I recently posted a list How to make friends — or at least think about it more clearly. That list sets forth the “essential friendship skills.”
But knowing the essential friendship skills isn’t the same thing as being able to make friends. And friends are very important to happiness. The more I’ve studied happiness, in fact, the more convinced I’ve become that loneliness is a very common and very serious challenge to happiness. I think it’s a subject that deserves more attention.
Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: strong social ties are a key — arguably the key — to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”
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This is a truly helpful post. New Yorkers in my therapy practice, especially those new to the city, often complain about difficulty making friends. I’ll pass on this link.
One thing I’ve found helpful personally – and also recommend to my clients – is to make mental notes of what’s going on in the lives of people you meet and ask about those things the next time you see them. Or make a call or send an email to follow up: “How’d the interview go?” “Are you over that cold?” And so on.
As Catherine said, making mental note of something to ask about later is a great idea. As a shy-ish introvert, Facebook has been really helpful for me in that it gives me a conversation opener when I next see someone, making it easier and faster to build and grow friendships.
I have friends. I just don’t spend a lot of time with them either because of geography, they live too far away to just drop by; they are married and spend more time with their husbands; or I have things that I want to do such as scrap layers of paint from trim to repaint, artistic endeavors, or working out that do not involve being with my friends. So how do I fit new friends in my life, or re-envigorate existing friendships, when I don’t have a lot of time for existing friendships and my friends don’t have a lot of time for me?
I appreciate the article. I’ve been married five years, have a 3 year old, have been studying online to get my degree, and working full time. My social life has died and I don’t feel like I have real friends anymore. It is a big issue for my wife who is European and comes from a different friend-oriented culture. We’ve extended so many invites to people but it feels like no one reciprocates or goes out of their way anymore. It is frustrating and starting to have a negative affect on me, although I have hope. I feel like our culture needs a friendly kick in the butt.