Comments on
How to Spot a Narcissist

By Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.

How to Spot a Narcissist

At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but this type …

660 Comments to
How to Spot a Narcissist

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.

  1. Nina,
    I sympathise so much with you. My ex was the same. The wanting to marry you? Can you see it was a hook? The promise was empty – as soon as you stop towing the line or stand up for yourself, he vanished right? Or worse still, he would tell you how flawed you were and how could anyone want to be with you.

    The vanishing is just another way of controlling. If he isn’t talking, he doesn’t have to address his behaviour. Not that he will ever think it’s unreasonable.

    Been there totally. In the end, I woke up, walked away and shut the door – more for out unborn baby than me but it worked none the same.

    I am still angry for falling for this bullshit in the first place!

    Narcissists are insecure and they create insecurity to stop you seeing it. You were fine before he came along and screwed with your head, you can sort your life out and get it on a much brighter track. You don’t need him.

    Hang on in there – it gets better

  2. Laura said:

    “Narcissists are insecure and they create insecurity to stop you seeing it.”

    Hooray! That is great insight. I am happy you found your way out of the clutches of an extreme narcissist!

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv

  3. After extensive study of NPD and having first hand experience and knowledge of numerous NPD’s for over 60 years of my life I realize that they are masters of deception MOD’s as I refer to them. The sum total of all my experience with them has left me with this one simple piece of wisdom “What wasn’t a lie, wasn’t the truth.”

  4. Lihn,

    Thank you so much for your kind words towards my daughter. She is strong and brilliant -but I am so afraid of the emotional wounds he has created. And my son still cries for him at night – he is going to be 10 on New Years Eve and he wants to know why daddy left such a great family and a good wife. I pray my son grows up to be an honorable man. I also fear what I read about genetics in regards to NPD. I do question God often – of why we had to go through this. I loved this man deeply but within the last 5 years my life has been hell. I honestly thought his first affair 15 years ago was a mistake. But now I know better – he has been living a separate life for a very long time. I don’t deserve this – even his family agrees – but they aren’t exactly giving him a heart to heart sit down either. This is so bizarre- all the debt, he took over the new house that was for the kids and left us here next to the neighbor-his first affair and now he is with her again.
    Right in front of the kids!!!! And I have to face him next week on custody mediation – please pray for us. He looks like the great guy who put a house around the corner to be close to his kids – how sick!!!! I am so afraid. Please pray that God opens his eyes ……..and heart..

  5. Sandra said, “After extensive study of NPD and having first hand experience and knowledge of numerous NPD’s for over 60 years of my life I realize that they are masters of deception MOD’s as I refer to them. The sum total of all my experience with them has left me with this one simple piece of wisdom “What wasn’t a lie, wasn’t the truth.””

    I find your comment funny but true and somewhat sad. It is interesting how narcissists get away with these things in society. You see it in politics and all kinds of relationships. Society is sick… isn’t it?

    Thanks,

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv

  6. Tess,

    You are right for wanting God to open his eyes. I’m sure He has been trying to. All I can say is that when you and your children heal and maybe even get far away from him, which you may not be ready to do but should really consider, you will look back down the road and find an extremely good reason why it had to be this way.

    It doesn’t feel good now, but trouble doesn’t last always. It will one day pass and the peace you exchanged for this misery of being around him will be blissfull.

    He’s already left so hoping for a change of heart means what? He’s not safe and according to new testament scripture has unclean practices. This puts everyone at risk and isn’t worth the trouble.
    Your love for him could be love but possibly co-dependent.

    Make your self well and stay in prayer before God. It’s hard and seems stupid. The bible says IN EVERYTHING GIVE THANKS FOR THIS IS THE WILL OF GOD CONCERNING YOU (AND)ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THEM WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE THE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE.

    Remember we live according to His purpose, stay strong and this will get better for you and your children.

  7. Lihn,

    Thank you for your kind words. I cannot get away because we have children .And now he wants joint custody a week at a time. He has so far managed to make me look like the crazy one -as warned by everyone. I am scared and afraid for the kids. I fear the courts will not see him for who he is -so far the custody mediator did not want to hear of his history .

    Not a good sign….

  8. My husband is an extreme narcissist and I don’t know what to do anymore. He is unique in that so far as I know he never ever steps over the line of legality or abuse. Yet he will string me along, convincing me that he’s really repentant, in all ways acts and looks repentant only to turn around and completely disconnect. He was raised in a crazy family. They are all passive aggressive narcissists. There was rampant incest among siblings and cousins. My husband was among the youngest. Yet he says very little happened to him. He is very angry at his father who yelled, screamed, and swore at him but even more angry at his mother who stands by and does nothing no matter what his father did. He treats me like I am like them. He doesn’t think there are people who are actually decent and nice and thinks that his family is normal. He gives up with any little difficulty and expects me to run everything, be responsible for everything. For the first 8 years of marriage I did that. I took care of every thing from initiated sex (I was supposed to figure out when he wanted it), to doing the bills, to taking care of the kids & homeschool, the business bills and invoices, etc. About 4 years ago I reached a point in my life where I had been educated enough to know that this was not right and that there was nothing wrong with me to be so tired from all this. I slowly dumped things on him and he was angry at me for doing it but he now does some of them. But when it comes to a relationship he simply will not stay in a close relationship for longer than a month. And that only happened once. That also did not include sex. As soon as the subject of sex came into it he freaked out. I’m just tired of this. I feel like I’ve wasted 12 years of my life first catering to him and now combating him. It’s like raising a fourth kid and he’s by far the worst behaved of the lot. He is exhausting me. He won’t get help. The one time he did go to a pastor counselor to get help he managed to convince the pastor that everything was my fault and that he was a poor helpless little boy who needed a dad. This in turn destroyed the friendship I had with the pastor’s wife as she then also believed I was being bad even though she had been in a friendship with me for 4 years. He is good, really good at looking like the nicest possible man in the world. His anger is never overt, always covert so there is never anything I can really put a finger on. He never does anything so that I could actually be justified in throwing him out but I’m getting to the point where I want to anyway, even though it is completely contrary to my beliefs. I would like to believe he can change, or will change but I’m just tired of this.

  9. Jennie,

    I could have written this myself as you can see from my posts above. You don’t mention infidelity or affairs -always a possibility.
    I am 52, with him 22 years -18 married. He has now filed for divorce – I never thought it would come to this. I think we could be married to the same man except mine is very sexual -too much so…You are right about the house, I work full time and make a good salary, taking care of the kids, cook full meal EVERY night, clean the kitchen , dishes, laundry , bills , and YES – even his business bills while he would lay on the bed. He has gone from loving me (IDEALISING) to never having loved me (DEVALUING) me many times over the years. And it has gotten worse with age and the affairs never stopped. Our children are not enough motivation for him to leave the neighbor alone right now- he’s recycling her. Anyway, I pray you research and although I DO NOT believe in divorce, I can only tell you from my heart where I am now. Two kids 10 & 15, 52 yrs old, he is $1,000,000.00 in debt and my state is 50/50, 3 affairs -one of the women twice now – or maybe more, women calling my house, he used other people’s money for years like it is his, 4 motorcycles, built a new house for 6 years and he is in it now – so much for the kids, EVERYONE loves him, only a few have caught on, his family has basically deserted me because I told them the diagnosis, my son cries for his family, my daughter doesn’t barely talk to him because of the affair being right in her face, right now he gives me weekly money HE thinks is enough, re-mortgaged our house which would have been paid off MAy 2008-now we owe 2X what we paid for it-and guess who is paying it?? He took the money for his business but I have to pay it cause he left us here in the house, and to top it off i have been diagnosed with HPV virus. Think long and hard, PREPARE before you do anything-particularly financially, be prepared for the covert angry to become overt – it is amazing how cruel he is to me now – as long as no one is listening – and be prepared for him to become father of the year if you leave. I could go on but we are limited here…I just found out why my marriage didn’t work no matter what I did 7 months ago and I still have to remind myself.
    Any if you love who you thought he was it is even more difficult – as for me. I wanted my family to survive – still do….but it would take a miracle from God to fix him now. It has definitely worsened with age – he is 50.
    God Bless you and your kids- you are in for a rough ride….hope this helped as others have helped me….research and get into counseling , please and of course -pray.

  10. My mother has NPD. A good therapist taught me how to handle her and how to be an adult. Nonetheless, I still am the sole support for my elderly mother and have worked hard to fight any guilt when I have to tell her ‘No!” Many times I would love to walk away from her, but she is my mother. I do take breaks as needed when she crosses the boundaries I have set. She doesn’t like it when I am away from her. She also uses her health to get me. I stopped accompanying her to the ER. They just call when she needs a ride home. It is hard work, but I have learned to cope. I often think she would be such a wonderful case for someone who wanted to study NPD. She is a classic. For years I thought it was just because she was Sicilian! So good to read others on this site. thanks Dr.


  11. Tina,

    In my own opinion, societies that have a strong matriarchal control element tends to grow narcissists and co-dependents faster than, lets say, Germanic/Nordic societies. This is totally anecdotal. I did my doctoral dissertation on the subject of how Hispanic/Latin men many times tend to become infantile or mama’s boys. I noticed that when a man fails as a husband/father he creates a masculine woman out of his wife/daughters who in turn eventually emasculate their husbands/sons/brothers. This masculizing of women can create narcissists, especially when the society at large applauds the mother as a deity. Such power and control is intoxicating. The mother becomes a Godfather/mother or a Godmama.

    Just some thoughts.

    Thanks,

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv

  12. Thank you for your article, Dr. Sam. I am extremely confused and heartbroken after recently ending my relationship with my boyfriend of 17 months. I left because I felt like I didn’t matter to him. I hope I did the right thing. Our first 10 months together were wonderful with him talking about marriage and pushing for moving in together. He was kind, generous, attentive, available, fun, ambitious, optimistic, hardworking, and we had a great sex life. Everything changed dramatically when we moved in together.

    Below is a list of some of some of the incidents, comments, and interactions that went on. Was I dealing with a narcissist? I feel like I am going crazy! I want so badly to understand what was going on.

    After dating for six months or so, I noticed a collection of three large collage style frames lying against the side of his dresser (not displayed). I asked him if I could see them and he said I could. They included many pictures of himself and his ex-wife (who he divorced in 2003 and has no children with). I asked him if he would please take those pictures out of the frames and put them in the box with the others in the closet. He gave me a dirty look and said, “You need to be more secure with yourself!” I told him that this was not about me being more secure with myself, but about me feeling that keeping these pictures around was disrespectful to me and to our relationship. I told him that I am sensitive to this sort of thing. He told me again that I needed to be more secure with myself and then said, “We are done having this conversation!” He never did take the pictures out of the frames. As a matter of fact, after 10 months of dating, when I was helping him move into my house, he handed the pictures to me to load into the car to move into my house. I once again told him that this was hurtful to me and that even more hurtful to me was the fact that I told him that something was upsetting to me and he did not seem to care. You see, this is not so much about the pictures as it is about a complete lack of regard for my feelings.

    From the moment he moved into my house, he became moody, withdrawn, inattentive, neglectful, uncommunicative, and had very little interest in sex. I asked him many times if something was wrong. He told me everything was fine, but he did not act like things were fine. He would spend much of his time “working” (reading political news online, playing Solitaire, and watching movies). He would almost never come to bed with me.

    At one point, I tried to discuss our sex life with him. We suddenly went from having sex at least several times per week to having sex 2-3 times per month to 0-1 times per month over the last seven months of the relationship. I told him that I loved him and loved having sex with him and that I really missed it. I told him that I really cared about our relationship. I told him that I wasn’t sure what was going on between us, but that I wanted to talk about it and figure it out and get back on track. His response was, “I don’t think this is a problem.” I told him that I did and that I was part of the relationship, too. He then said, “If you think this is a problem, then you fix it. We don’t need to talk about our problems. This is not something you fix by talking about it. I am done having this conversation.”

    Throughout the next seven months our sex life only got worse. I tried to discuss it with him a few more times and these are the types of responses I got:

    “This isn’t a problem.”
    “I don’t want to talk about this.”
    “You reject me.” (Note: I did not reject him.)
    “The problem is that you go to bed too early.” (Note: I changed my work hours and started going to bed later, but it didn’t matter.)
    “If you want to get my attention, order some lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, and come out into the living room wearing it if I’m watching TV. That will get my attention.”

    We got into a fight which resulted in him moving out after two months of living together (and one year of dating), telling me that he was miserable living in my house (even though he previously told me everything was fine) because it was too far from the city. Mind you, he knew where my house was before he moved in and he was the one who INSISTED on living together before marriage. My house is 18 miles from the center of downtown. He works from home, so he does not have to commute, but he said that he doesn’t want to drive so far to go see his friends for lunch or to go out downtown. He leased an apartment on his own downtown and then asked me to move into it. I did and my house sat vacant while I paid the mortgage.

    Also, he began a new job at the beginning of the year (he’s an attorney). For the first 3 months he did almost no work, despite the fact that he had plenty to do. He continued
    to fall behind on his work thoughout the year and had to give some of it away to another attorney. When I broke up with him, he was four months behind on a project. He just wouldn’t do his work. I don’t know why. Depression?

    He was very overweight at 5’11″ and 250 – 260 lbs. I suspect this was a cause of a lot of his unhappiness. He worked out, but he overate. He is a compulsive eater.

    He refused to brush his teeth before going to bed (he is 32 years old). When I brought this up he told me that he brushed his teeth once a day and that was it! I told him that this bothered me and he didn’t not care or change it.

    He had a bad habit of not listening when someone else was talking, and of cutting people off when they were talking.

    He liked to talk about himself a lot.

    He took very little interest in me, my feelings, wants, needs, and goals.

    A couple of times when I didn’t feel well, he said, “Sucks for you.”

    When I would pay him compliments, he would say, “I know.”

    He had lots of friends because everyone was his friend from the moment he met them.

    He constantly has to invite others to join us on dates. He seems to prefer that over being alone with me.

    When he was out with friends he acted like he was the most happy, confident guy in the world, yet at home he acted like he was miserable.

    He ignored me frequently when I would talk to him and then when I would repeat myself he would say either, “I didn’t hear you” or “I was thinking about a response.”

    He frequently ignored me when I would get home from work. He would tune me out spending hours and hours most evenings on the sofa or in his home office watching TV, playing Solitaire, and reading political news (often doing all 3 simultaneously).
    He would set aside two “date nights” per week and then ignore me the rest of the time even though we lived together.

    He would make vacation plans without concern for where I might like to go.

    He would drive very aggressively and constantly make negative remarks about other drivers. When I would tell him his driving scared me, he didn’t care. He has almost caused a few accidents and he got us followed home one night.
    W
    hen I would tell him that something he said was hurtful to me (such as negative comments about my house or car), he would become very hostile and say, “I have opinions and I will express them! I am who I am and I’m not going to change! Too bad for you if you can’t accept me how I am! You need to not be so sensitive!”

    When I got a new job or passed an exam, he gave me very little recognition.

    He was never supportive of my educational or career goals, but very supportive of those of his friends and overly eager to help in any way.

    He almost never apologized; instead he defended his position and accuses me of being too sensitive.

    He almost never admits to being wrong.

    He would say negative things to me such as:

    “You’re thin, but you’re not very strong.”

    “I’m not impressed with this car.” (Referring to my car)

    “I would never live in a neighborhood like this.” (Referring to my house.)

    “Those pants would go better with a red top.” (First thing said when I walked in the house.)

    “Your ALMOST the most beautiful girl in the world.” (Is this a compliment?)

    “I can’t commit to working on this relationship because I don’t know if it will work because I don’t know if YOU can change.”

    “Our biggest problem is 100% your fault. You are 100% to blame for our biggest problem.”

    “I’ll only go to couple’s counseling if you continue to see your therapist.” (I went to see a therapist as a result of the distress caused by this relationship.”

    “Our problem is that YOU (fill in the blank).” The particular problem changes, but I’m always blamed. ALWAYS.

    Anyway, I know I haven’t mentioned the good stuff about him, but does it matter if the bad is this bad? Did I do the right thing? The biggest reason I left is that I felt that he did not care about my feelings and needs whatsoever.

  13. Dawn, I don’t know where to start. I have been married to a malignant narcissist for 24 years. I am now getting divorced. I know you say that there are good things about him well of course there are but the truth is he is a monstor and hides it behind his angel face mask for all to see. But you see the devil underneath. He really is no good. He absolutely will not change. There is not one good reason for him to. He has someone he can abuse and he likes doing it. He does purposefully. There is little if any hope for him. DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MISERABLE PERSON WHO WILL ONLY TREAT YOU WORSE AS THE YEARS GO BY! He will never give you what you need because he has chosen to be incabible of doing so. YOu need to go to the website http://www.melanietoniaevans.com. This will tell you everything you need to know. He is a evil person and will destroy you! Take care and stop trying to figure out what you already know. Being with someone who demeans you and doesn’t love you back is far worse than being along. Because you are not the probleme he is. YOU CAN’T HELP HIM SO DON’T EVEN TRY ANOTHER DAY IT IS FUTILE.

  14. Dawn, I have to add this to what I wrote above. Part of the entrapment they set for you is to slowly destroy your self asteem as he has been doing. Before you know it you will no longer realize what is going on and will feel like you can’t possibly live without him. You will desperately try to win back the approval he once gave you. But he will never allow that to happen. The psychological damage that the lack of acknowledgement, approval from some one who claims to love you is quite significant. First off he ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT LOVE YOU but don’t take that personally he loves no one including himself. Please, please, please go to the website above. Print out the pages and read them over and over again till you understand what is happening.
    Take care!
    Catherine

  15. Hi, Catherine,

    Thank you so much for your advice. Being married for 24 years to a malignant narcissist must have been pure hell. I’m so sorry that you had to experience that. I’m glad you are getting yourself out of that situation. I hope you find much love and happiness in your life going forward. I spent much time on the website you recommended, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com, and I read everything I could find on it about narcissism. It was very enlightening and therapeutic. Thank you for the recommendation. Also, I just finished reading “The Verbally Abusive Man” by Patricia Evans. It too was very enlightening. My ex certainly fits the profile of the covert verbal abuser. I often wonder whether there is more to it though. Narcissism? Commitmentphobia? Basic selfishness? It’s all so confusing. His behavior was just so odd sometimes, even though much of the time he was kind and loving. It was like dating two different people. I finally had to leave because I felt like I just didn’t matter to him. That was not a good feeling to have. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the answers I want as far as what was going on. The hardest part for me has been dealing with all of the self-doubt and self-blame that I feel. I’m working with a therapist to get through it all.
    Dawn

  16. Dr. Sam,
    Thank you for your response. I was especially interested in your anecdotal notion about matriarchal societies as Sicilian households are. Here it is the end Christmas Day and again, we had mama over and she so needed to be the center of attention. She even whined as a two year old when she didn’t get her way. I agree that part of her make up is cultural and can see very much how her NPD grew partly from that and from childhood trauma. I joke with friends-Thank goodness my mom married a white boy and thinned the blood out! Maybe that is part of the reason i could cope! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays to all!

  17. Dawn,

    After reading all of your story, I must say that I recommend you leave this guy pronto! Get healthy and then attract a guy that will die for you. This guy is not worth it. He is a boy and not a man. He acts sooooo childish and is full of himself. To stay in the relationship is simply to stay in sickness and live his insanity. He is sick and that means you have not been well either to attract such a guy. Dump him and get healthy with strong boundaries that let in only those who will honor and respect you. You will then attract good guys. This one is rotten to the core!

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv


  18. Tina,

    You are hilarious!

    It is sad to see whole societies succumbing to the emasculation of men. It shows up by the feminization of men. In the USA it shows in the sitcom shows such a “Everybody Loves Raymond” and many other shows like that where the guys are boys, jerks, weak, risk averse, etc. The women can be seen as tough and manlike. I know some may trash me for this but I think that our society has gone too far in its reaction to patriarchy. Now you have Amazon women that are scary. Watch these women then reach their midlife after being successful in corporate America and then they get the vibes to have a family, nest, and procreate but then it is too late because their biological clock has started to shut down. They go into depression and realize that they traded their femininity for a lie that promised them fulfillment. Now they are alone and old.

    I am for strong women but without sacrificing their beauty, nurturing abilities, connection, etc. When women are forced to become like tough men they kill their femininity and turn into hard persons. Well, this is the topic of my doctoral dissertation in relationship to infantilized men.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv

  19. Dr. Samuel and Tina,

    This is or was, my mail. My mother onced ridiculed my 10 year old daughter in front of all of us b/c she wanted to call her by her middle name instead of using her first name and said that her name sounded like syrup.

    When me and my husband finally told her about it, before we were on my way back home, five hours away, she began to pretend that everything she was doing was in love. Then she said “I’m hard”. I said “stop being hard” she said, I’m hard to hate, pointing at my husband.

    It’s my father’s fault, his overbearing years finally brought him low, now she wears the pants.

    It’s truly sad to watch…..

  20. Dr. Sam,

    Thank you so very much for your response. I have been out of that toxic relationship for over a month now and I am working with a therapist to make sure that I never tolerate such terrible treatment again!

    I still am not clear on whether I dealing with a narcissist, an abuser, or just a toddler.

    I would like to share something that may help someone avoid making one of the many mistakes I made in that toxic relationship. I wasted much time reading relationship books about how to improve my relationship and I followed much of the advice. It didn’t work and here’s why: The types of books I was reading were written with the underlying assumption that the person you are in a relationship with actually seeks a mutually satisfying relationship; narcissists and other abusers want no such thing. Eventually, I came across the right type of books for my situation. Here are 3 that really helped to shed some light on my situation:

    The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? by Patricia Evans
    Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler
    The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel

    Dawn

  21. Hi Dawn,
    You dont have the extensive experience and have done 100′s of hours of research as I have but let me say in response to your letter to Dr Sam.
    You don’t know if he is a narcissist, abuser of toddler. First of all, he is all of the above He is a “malignant” narcissist, which in turn means he is an abuser and is a child emotionally. The rest is from the core of malignant narcissism which Dr Sam calls “extreme” narcissism. But I don’t think that nearly describes how dangerous these people are. Nicole Brown Simpson is a prime example of a victim of one. Put her name into google and you will be able to find a letter she wrote to OJ. It pretty much runs like your letter except he was physically abusive. He was just on the extreme end of the malignancy road but all are dangerous!

  22. Dr. Sam,
    I believe that all of us have both codependent and narcissistic tendencies. I feel guilty when I discuss my wife vilifying me to others; because in doing so I think I am doing the same.

    I am separated from wife and feel that I am now experiencing severe manipulative parent alienation. We have three children.

    I now reside with my mother who I’d label a narcissist hence me marrying one. During the entire marriage they would either team up against me or make covert nasty remarks about each other in each ear.

    I must own to physical abusive episodes on my part. I’m passive aggressive, impulsive and sensitive. My wife has hit me in the beginning but later found pushing my buttons was a more effective tool. My mother’s beatings though not often were severe.

    I love my children dearly and I really think I am the more honest, fair, loving intelligent parent. However the transient period before I am even able to consider joint custody feels like damnation at times.

    Feels a bit better to vent……..

  23. I came across your site and am responding. After going through psychological abuse for several years by 2 family members, caused by 1 of then lying to the other about fiances, etc. and blameing me, I left the house, but too late. I doubt I’ll ever recover. Their must be NO contact, sad because I am not able to see my elderly mom. They know your weaknesses and will charm others to prey upon them also. 1 family member died, but not before asking me back for family holidays (refused-still too frightnend and in too much pain), then we made up and got things sorted out, but it was too late to change the paperwork that takes care of mom. My now ex friend is also a sociopath who very much knows better, and hides behind God words, continuing to do her worst. She knowingly continued to split the family, to take my place in it. It is amazeing to me that this town can be so charmed by such thieves and lyers. That family member and friend were made for each other, and both are dangerous as will do anything to cover what was done, and to this day continues with the abuse towards me. Another problem axcerbating my getting well is that the harrassment is extreme in this small southern town as am highly functioning with multiple degrees, which most decidely does not fit in with the stigma associated from what they learned in the 50′s, and they DO try hard to make me conform to their lesser expectations of the mentally ill. Do NOT move to this small southern town as you will NOT be welcomed in spite of the chamber of commerce. I am moving out of the state as soon as possible, to continue on the road to better health.

  24. Dr. Sam:

    I believe my ex-husband has this NPD. He talked me into dropping out of my PhD program and even had me throw away my framed Master’s Degree because it had my first husband’s last name on it. We have a 5 year old son who I believe is his supply. Also, my ex-husband’s mother appears to have this NPD and is now fighting for more visitation to get her “fix” from our son. After 3 years, my lawyer bills are at 15k and counting. My ex (and son’s father) continues to litigate for more visitation and variation of the custody terminology, so that he and his mother can manipulate the visitation to get their supply needs met. He already has 50% visitation and now wants to include his mother in it so if he is with new girlfriend (another of his supply sources), his mother can get her supply needs met with our son. I want to stop spending money on lawyers and start saving for our son’s college, not to mention my retirement and I am close to 40! I need prayers please. I just try to not make him angry and play the role of a highly respectable wife that is worthy of being one of his ex’es. That is my story. And our son’s story. Wish him luck. I hope he does not inherit this NPD like his Father who got it from his Mother….

  25. Dear Dr Sam
    I just want to say thank you! I wrote to you on the 6th of August 2008 about my narcissistic boyfriend and of course the answer was I should leave him. Well, thanks to your advice I did move out October last year. It was absolutley hell as I missed him so very much, but kept contact. This made it worse and I then tried the NO CONTACT rule. It worked. I am well on my way to emotional healing. Yes, it’s difficult financially on my own but the peace of mind makes it all worthwhile.
    I would like to encourage others caught in such a relationship. It is the most difficult thing to get out of such a relationship, but once you are free, it’s WONDERFUL. Yes I still miss him some days and still feel sorry for him. But it is not my problem anymore. It is now in God’s hands.
    Lots of love
    Annie

  26. I wrote a lengthy post but it did not appear on this page. Writing this test note to see if it appears. Thanks.

  27. Hi,

    Reading this page was amazing to me. I have been divorced for two years from someone I think is a Narcissist. We have two adopted children together and I really want their parents to be together. One of them has a significant attachment disorder and idolizes his dad. He started going to counseling with me a year before we divorced. The counselor at first told me to “emotionally detach” from him as cruel to myself and my boys from a former marriage. He spoils the little ones that are adopted from our marriage. It seems to be very important to them that the little ones love him over me. It caused such strife that the RAD son saw really no need to listen, interact, nor respect me in any way. He triangulated the situation and it always ended up with me being shamed and blamed by his dad in front of him. My ex spouse did this continually. I finally after 10 years of marriage and pleads from my teenagers gave him an ultimatum. I told him that 1) he could no longer yell at me in front of the kids, and 2) had to treat the older boys with the same respect as the younger children and I would stay with him. He laughed told me I was too “thin skinned” and step all over those boundaries the next four days. I made him move out the next week.

    We were divorced a few months later. Abut 6 months later I started dating someone (another unhealthy choice)and during this time my ex husband acted like he hated me. At every interaction (no exaggeration) he cut me down in front of the little kids and electronically spied on me by looking up my on line bank accounts and breaking into email, and taking pictures of my house when I was gone. He is the type of person that is always the life of the party and he painted me to be a horrible person (though many of those same people saw him yell at me in public places). About 5 months ago I started seeing him. He started going to church, continued counseling, and I had seen some change in him. he will not tell anyone we are seeing each other, he blames me for his life being chaos when he was with me and tells me he doesn’t want the “hell” back, He throws the relationship I had in my face like it was adultery against him, and as I wanted to make the relationship work, he is considering going back to his friends he “trashed” me to to tell them he is considering giving me “a 2nd chance”. He is like a saint to his friends and he is personally mean to me and considers me my life to be a disaster so he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me. He actually admits that he cannot trust anyone. He says he is praying about it and if I have any feelings (like crying) when he says something not very nice and sometimes downright me, he tells me I am creating “drama” and he can’t take it anymore. I have always treated him respectfully and friends he disliked during marriage he is best friends with now and they do not talk to me anymore.

    He makes accusations like I am controlling and cannot come up with an example. He says the boundries I set in the marriage at the end were just my justification to “give him the shaft”. He says he was only demeaning to the boys because I put our life in chaos and pushed his buttons all the time.

    Being divorced is bad to him because he cuts me down in front of the kids which is so detrimental to them with their issues. Being with him is hard because he cuts me down to me and foicuses on every little thing I say as a way to punish me, but strangely, he does cut me down in front of the kids since we have been seeing each other. The kids have flourished with this as they cannot triangulate us anymore and they seem more secure. He admits that if we get back together, he will never cherish me because of the things I did like love another man and “create choas” in the relationship. he can’t think of any specific examples of that except “you know you never listened to me”.

    I so want my children to flourish like they are and have a good relationship with me, but I am having a hard time with his treatment of me personally. He is also better now with the older boys, but they are 18 and 20 now.

    He refuses to got o counseling as he believes I will use it against him.I am tied into knots over this whole situation.

  28. Continued…

    I wanted to add, that while I was in the other relationship he also had a relationship. His was “fine and he didn’t have any issues over it” but mine was bad and I have had to apologize over and over for it. Mine was not a good choice, but his was not either (she was a party girl that did some drugs). She actually did a lot of unhealthy things and they were going to move in together and she changed her mind a few days beforehand. She then didnt want to see him for 3 weeks and then “he” broke up with her. The issue is he has no problem with this woman like he does with me. I assume he was controlling to her and that was her withdrawal, but he just believes she was depressed over money issues and didn’t want to see him. She had an ex husband move in a month later, but he doesn’t see that as “against him”.

    Why would he just pick on me as the villian? Why would this disorder only be against me or the children of my former marriage?

    It feels like it is me.

  29. The article is truly insightful. I’m glad to see an optimistic perspective on healing narcissism. I like to believe it can be cured.

    All my life I’ve tried to understand myself, more specifically what is this persona I’ve designed and who’s the real me. I’ve just recently had a revelation while reading online descriptions of this disorder.

    I’m a cerebral, moderate narcissist and I would need some advice.

    What I perceive as problems are: the false self, the schizoid isolation, the difficulties in interpersonal relationships, the low self-esteem and virulent attacks of envy, the depression I tend to feel many times (and a few more, but I’m trying to avoid writing a novel).

    Though I have a lot of the narcissistic traits, I’m far less monstrous than you’d expect. I have strong emotions, I deeply care about some persons and causes, I am quite moral, and I’m very self-aware. Sometimes I feel normal, vulnerable, sensitive, humble, real.. but a lot of the time I’m that other person: the bold, cold, indifferent persona that I created to protect myself from abuse.

    This is why I hope I could heal myself. I’m still in my late teens. The cause of my disorder is the verbal and emotional abuse of my severely OCPD mother.

    I know I must delete the fake self and invest in growing my true self, but I’m not sure where to begin.

    How do I reach towards this true self? I feel her under my false self, but I don’t know how to bring her out, how to make her live, how to BE HER and stop being the other self. I am in touch with her and I know some things about her, but I find it hard to awaken her.

    I truly want to be healed. I trust in the real me and I know that she’s better than any fake persona. I want her back, I want to be myself. I just don’t know how.

  30. Thank you, Elsa. I responded to you via private email because I was having problems posting on this forum due to technical difficulties.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://www.DrSam.tv

  31. Great article!

  32. Dr. Sam,

    I believe I am/was married to a woman with Narcissistic personality disorder. Actually we are just now going through a separation/divorce. We have been married 15 years and I have seen symptoms from the very beginning. The most damaging were her fantasies of importance and relationships. She created a new persona and attempted to make friends and relationships based on this fantasy life. She did most of this by email with people living overseas who could not verify her stories. I found out about it by luck when she left her email logged in on my computer. It was totally bizarre. She made up stuff that was just total fabrication but was able to keep it up for months and months. I confronted her and she fessed up and said she would seek professional help. The therapist never diagnosed her with Narcissistic personality disorder but said it was most likely caused by effects of severe premenopause. I went along with that but I was skeptical. I gave her 1 year but I discovered she was still doing it. I think there is no cure for this problem.

    I also found it interesting that some traumatic episode could trigger this problem. I think I know what that might have been in my wife’s case.

    I feel sorry for her and still care about her but being married to her is/was killing me emotionally and physically. I could not sleep or eat well due to stress and depression. Now that we are about to separate, I am saddened but also relieved. I can now eat and sleep much better.

    Anyway thanks for writing this article. It is very helpful and right on target in my opinion.

    Regards,
    Bill

  33. Bill,

    Your story sounds and feels painful. This whole experience appears to be traumatic. If you obtain counseling I would recommend going to the original place you have experienced betrayal/lies from people you cared about. This may have an inception point with your wife/ex-wife or with an earlier betrayal/disappointment/being lied to experience with another family person, friend, ex-girl friend, etc. Reframing that place will neutralize your seeming cause of depression or let down and you might avoid experiencing it again in the future. Another reason to take care of such is that in your next relationship you will want to avoid being overprotective due to hurts. You may not be able to experience intimacy especially if you shut down your feelings due to that hurt.

    I would also recommend checking to see if your boundaries are healthy. The two books by Townsend and Cloud that I recommend for this are mentioned in an earlier post.

    Wish you a great and whole life,

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  34. Dr. Sam, I don’t think I need counseling. I don’t much trust therapists although I am sure they can be helpful to some people. I am doing fine now that I have decided to end this nightmare of a marriage. My problem was her. I am looking forward to my new life with new opportunities. I am considering all options like moving to a new area, new job, new friends, etc. Thanks for your advice but I believe best advice to someone linked to an extreme Narcissist is to simply break the link.

    Regards,
    Bill

  35. Bill,

    No problem. I wish you great success in your new life.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  36. Dear Yana, I am the guy who posted a couple days ago. I read your story all the way through. You sound like another sad victim of NPD. I have no idea if you husband is genuine or even if he was could he actually fix the problem. From my experience it seems incurable. My wife, I thought was sincere in attempting to change but simply, over time, could not. However, if I were you I would give him the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes. Miracles do happen. You can always leave him later if things go back to before. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

    Regards,
    Bill

  37. Hi Dr. Sam!

    I think my ex is an ‘N’, and as many have said here, I just noticed… when it all finally ended.

    For what I know, due to a very serious economic situation, he was raised by his grandparents [dad’s side] for a few years during his childhood (from 2 to 5 years of age, so he was just a toddler when this happened). Later, he was taken back and returned to his parents, who after that, spoiled him rotten, even today at 33.

    He has an older brother, who was raised by the parents, but I could always sense rivalry and resentment between them. He once said to me he didn’t deserve to be the one taken away. He also felt his brother was his mother’s favorite. I also suspect there is much more to this story…

    Today, at 33, he is still supported by his parents. He blames the economic situation for not having a job. He lives in an apartment they (his parents) have at the beach, goes to the gym daily and refuses to get a job or have any responsibilities. He constantly lies about his achievements, in order to hide the fact he doesn’t have a job, but at the same time criticizes everyone and everything everybody else is doing. He also drinks and gambles and says he is his own HERO, because he is fooling everyone by living this “ideal” way of life! It is incredible… he is a textbook narcissist! He manipulates his parents, and they enable him.

    He neglected me in many ways, and although he denied any infidelities, I now have serious doubts about that too. Too bad I invested so much energy and time with this major jerk! He took, and takes, everything he can get. Now I know he never loved me, he just loved the ‘energy’ I gave him.

    We broke up about a year ago, but he kept me in his ‘radar’. I was the one who made the decision to end it, and of course, he also blamed me for leaving him. He even used facebook to keep track of me and my moves. I finally stopped talking to him about a month ago, and literally, deleted him from my life. I couldn’t take it any longer! He was so controlling, and a major manipulator.

    After reading about N’s, now I know I made the right decision, but I also blame myself for being so naïve, and in some ways, emotionally dependent, cause I always came back to him. What else can I do to move on? What can I do to delete him from my head?

    Seriously Dr. Sam, thank you very much for the information you posted here. At least this makes me realize I’m not crazy, and apparently, I’m not alone either.

    Please receive warm greetings from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

    Regards,

    Celene

  38. Dr. Sam, there is no doubt I have traits of narcissism and this has manifested in self destructive behavior. In a recent test I took my narcissim was not funnelled via vanity or but more in power, control and superiority….hiding my real feelings of inferiority. I think many of us NPD types would give their left arm to correct this personality flaw. Are there any basic guidelines / steps one can take to improve?

    Thank you,

  39. Tim,

    My personal belief is that Extreme Narcissism can be cured but it can only come when the person:

    1. Realizes he/she is an extreme narcissist.

    2. Realizes that he/she is hiding inside as a protective measure.

    3. Realizes that hiding produces the creation of one or more outward distractive personas used as a shield to cover the wounded person/child inside.

    4. Realizes that he/she must find the root trauma(s)that created the original wound(s) that caused him/her to go inside and hide.

    5. Realizes that he/she must then reframe/process and heal that wound at that place so that the person can again move forward in his/her emotional development as they develop healthy adaptive boundaries.

    6. Realizes that he/she must then learn how to connect with others in a healthy way. Healthy intimacy will need to be a thing that is gradually learned.

    Hope this helps.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  40. WOW! That describes my husband exactly. I have struggled every day, trying to understand. God is good, I got to your site trying to get help for my children. I have been married for almost 8 years and I have been to several counselors and ministers. All to tell us that my husband needed alot of work. The minister told me that my husband needed me to fulfill his goals, and it feels just like that. He did tell me, matter of factly, that he did what ever he had to to get me and could keep it up for as long as it took; however, once we got married that was not who he really was. I have decided to finally seperate, because it is more thatn I can handle. I have to be a PH. D. to deal with this. My concern is that we have very young children and this is greatly effecting them. I am not comfortable leaving my children with him because of his lack of emotional support for them and he does not protect them when his needs come first. Could you please advise.


  41. Nancy,

    Your situation is not an easy one. If you feel that your husband is an extreme narcissist and that you cannot stay married to him then I would try to get most of the custody time awarded by a judge. I would also get help for your own life to correct what caused you, in the first place, to attract an extreme narcissist. This way, hopefully, it does not happen again with your next mate. Your kids deserve the healthiest mom. If in the court process you both have to undergo psychological evaluations, demand that he get tested on narcissism. The test is called the NPI (Narcissism Personality Instrument).

    I hope this helps a little.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  42. Thank you! How do I find people who are trained to deal with this type of stuff. What do I look for and what questions should I ask?


  43. Nancy,

    That’s a tough question. If you are asking about you getting help either with marriage counseling or individual counseling, then I would look for those with an ample track record. I would also encourage you to use professionals that have a trauma model similar to that used in NLP, EMDR, EFT modalities. I personally believe that the trauma model used for healing is probably the best one for fast and effective resolution of issues.

    If you are asking for purposes of divorce issues, then I would find a psychologist that is amply experienced dealing with narcissistic populations and can even administer the test if needed.

    In any of the above scenarios, you have the right to interview the therapist to chose the best one. I would do that. If they don’t have the time of day for you then move on. I once tried to get a psychologist for a family member in another state and I was surprised at how horrible some psychologists were in getting back to me. I struck those off the list since that shows how responsible and caring they truly are.

    Just my two cents!

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  44. I have been married to a narcissist for almost 23 years now and I HATE IT!

    Although he is not the type that dresses all fancy and wants me to make him look good, he is very emotionally immature, refuses to wear dentures (he yanked his own teeth out as they systematically rotted), dresses like a slob most of the time, doesn’t care what people think of how he looks (that’s THEIR problem, including MINE)…his entire family is screwed up and now it’s being linked to a possible chromosome lack at birth.
    This man’s father was an abuser and an incestuous child molester of both husband’s sisters. Of course, husband thinks the man was WONDERFUL in how he raised them…beating them for their own good and “look at how good it made ME turn out!”
    Husband is quick to call me a hippocrite because I make choices and set boundaries about who I want in my house, etc…but he doesn’t practice any faith whatsoever, except to “use” God as a genie in a bottle to “pray” for whatever he wants…and then, blame God when he doesn’t deliver!
    If I could, I’d get out of this relationship or lack thereof, but it’s complicated. If I found a friend who would walk with me through a separation, I’d have left long ago, but nobody would seem to want to be involved, but instead would wish me well and say they would pray for me. Those words are so EMPTY to someone who has spent years in emotional/psychological torment!
    I’m currently working toward my degree in Psych…Bachelors. Go figure…I feel like an expert on personality disorders by now.
    Living with this man has been miserable most of the time, a “fantasy” of his own making the rest of the time. I still wish someone would just come here and kick him out and rescue me. I know that’s not reality and that it will have to be ME who finally gets out, but like I said…complicated.


  45. Laura,

    Your story is very typical of women married to extreme narcissists. You can see the traits in your descriptions. He loves to turn the tables on you, etc.

    Here are my recommendations:

    1. Maintain and improve your personal boundaries in such a way that your relational processing grid filters out abusers, manipulators, controllers, extreme narcissists, etc.

    2. Make sure your boundary grid criteria only attracts persons that will return and reciprocate your kindnesses and that it grows with time. Make sure others value you and appreciate you in every way.

    3. Get yourself a good woman lawyer who understands you and start putting your affairs in order so that you are protected and provided for. Get her advice or from a good accountant friend, about how to manage your financial resources or how to obtain them via your husband’s income production. You are entitled to it. Then, without warning, separate.

    4. Once separated you can decide if you want to give your husband a test (go get counseling, get new teeth, get a makeover, court you and win you back, and forsake the dysfunctions of his family side, etc.).

    5. If he does not want this or does not pass this elaborate process, then move towards a permanent separation.

    6. Continue your journey to being the healthiest, beautify yourself, pamper yourself, have firm and healthy boundaries that will not be compromised. Then watch how you start to attract very healthy people to your life, including a better man.

    My two cents.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

  46. Hello Dr. Sam

    I am fairly confident that my ex-fiance was, too, an N. He was educated, and presented himself well (of course) and we got along exceedingly well. Early in our relationship he mentioned his irrational dislike of disagreement, but we nearly never disagreed so I unknowingly was staying on his good side. I did notice small things he did that exemplified his control issues: he has a mild OCD when it comes to grooming for the day, and he once got very upset when I danced with another guy. Prior to meeting in person, we spoke online and had an uncanny chemistry. Despite this, he told me later that he almost managed to talk himself out of calling me. From then, I knew he could potentially be a self-sabotager. He made a huge ordeal about planning his proposal to me, choosing the ring on his own, introduced me to all of his friends, took me to his college reunion, etc. but now I realize that I was only a trophy to him. He loved surprises, but I think that was also more because it made him feel good to give the gifts than anything else. I honestly think he is a good and sincere person. He is the type of guy who always gives to the homeless, and volunteers his time in the community. He was always very, very thoughtful and kind (until he proposed, of course). We rarely argued, but whenever we did it was always the same pattern:
    him: “(something that hurts my feelings)”
    me: “babe that really hurt my feelings”
    him: “why are you always criticizing me?” OR “why do you have such negative perceptions of me?”

    None of that ever made any sense to me, and I quickly grew tired of apologizing to him for inflicting pain on ME. Whenever I would tell him that he was “cold” or “distant” he would become very angry. At one point, early on, when I expressed how I felt he asked if I felt he would ever abuse me physically, and I said no. Sexually, and I said no. Emotionally, and I said I don’t know. He didn’t have any comforting words to offer. He never offered up bits of info about himself or his past and became irritated when I asked. It was like he took me places and bought me things to compensate for his inability to give of himself.

    After our engagement, the communication all but ceased. He began picking arguments and at one point told me he didn’t want to be “dominated by my perceptions” (i.e expected to change anything at all!) when the only thing I ever wanted this man to change about himself was the way he spoke to me. He was mildly pretentious, but nothing more than the average male ego (so it seemed). He insisted I was trying to control him when really I was generally very happy with him and had no complaints. He can be very outgoing, and has many friends- but he looks down on all but one of them. He idolizes his best friend, who appears to be very well adjusted emotionally. The best friend is about 6 yrs older, met his fiance around the same time that we met, and seems to be a genuinely good guy. We did not have intercourse as I don’t believe in sex before marriage, but I was a bit put off by how he seemed to lack consideration of the fact that I was a virgin when we were intimate. He didn’t respond well to even the mildest of suggestions, much less true criticism and became very defensive. I was often put off by his disgust when married guys would jokingly tell him that he needs to “learn to say yes, dear” or things like that. He loathed hearing such things and expressed a sense of pity for them…and this was AFTER we were engaged!

    Our relationship ended when after nearly 2 months of his refusing to speak with me more than once a week (for 5 mins), to see me, to tell me he loved me, or even come to my graduation (when I was there for his and got him a $1,000 watch); I finally gave him his ring back unable to take his emotional abuse any more. When I tried one last time to talk it out two days later, he said that he felt it was all my fault (again) that things were as they were. His face had a staid, stoic look that was unfamiliar to me, and even when I playfully flicked a piece of paper at him (because I wanted so badly to touch him)- he was quick to say it was an act of aggression against him. He looked me in my face, and told me how he had lied to me about silly things (which was no secret to me), and other hurtful things while I struggled to contain the tears. He had no real explanation, nor did he act like he cared much- he even said he was “happier w/out the stress of our relationship”. One strange thing that he said was “I wish I could say something that would make you really angry at me, throw that water in my face and leave”. WHAT???

    After that, he simply vanished. He temporarily succeeded in making me feel it was all my fault, and I went on a campaign to let him know how sorry I was. He told me to not ever contact him again. I know that I deserve far better than that, but I loved him and what we had so deeply. I would love to think I could email him something to suggest he get help, but in addition to being a narcissist, he is also a therapist (so there’s no telling him anything!) I feel like my story is so textbook, but is not the same as most of the posts here. Or perhaps I broke it off before it got to that point? Does this sound like cold feet or do you suspect its narcissism too? My mom is a therapist as well, and although I’ve not spoken to her about him possibly being a narcissist, the only negative thing she had to say when she first met him was that he was “extremely cold and emotionally detached”. Also, is it possible to develop this disorder from an unhealthy relationship with the father (who’s not the primary caregiver)? Is it delusional to think that if he were only able to address this that we could have worked out?

  47. I am attracted to N men. In reading articles like Dr. Sam’s and posts here the majority of my relationships with men have seem to be with Ns. I am attracted to their seemingly confident personas and then gradually the emotional abuse starts, control issues and finally ending when I leave. I don’t seem to be able to trust my judgment any more when it comes to men.

  48. I just stumbled on to this board and all of this
    is really hitting home. I’ve been in a nine-year relationship with a very well-liked, respected, church going man in my community who has emotionally about done me in. I had been married to a man for 25 years and the whole time was totally told what to do, even down to how I should wear my hair. I finally couldn’t handle it any more and divorced him. I stayed in the marriage as long as I did for the children (2) and because I’m a Christian and felt we were suppose to stay together.
    Along came another charming man who made me feel wonderful in no ways my husband had ever had.
    Here comes the problem: I knew he had been separated from his wife for years and years. I never would have gotten involved with him, but he kept telling me he was going to get it done and even now the proceedings have been filed for a year but have not been finaled. All through the years I’ve tried to break up and he literally comes to me on hands and knees begging me to take him back. I’ve tried to go out with other people and he hears of it and the pressure is back on. We’re split up at the moment because of my concern that he has other “friends” and of course, I’m told that I’m being unreasonable and that’s my problem. I’ve even been told that he doesn’t think
    if he got a divorce that that would even make me happy. My plan now is to just try to cut off all contact, but I know he will try to worm his way back because that is the nature of the disorder and he has done this to mean too many times to count.
    Do you have any insight or suggestions and I’m sorry this got so long.

  49. I have been married 34 yrs. to a man i believe is a narcissist.We are both educators,I just retired after 32 years. Soon after marrying him,two years, he became physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He would accuse me of having affairs with different men. Everythin he accused me of were things he was doing, many affairs. When he’d get angry, he would take the car keys, and I would have to rent cars many times. I also would have to hide at friends’ homes to get away from his abuse. I did file for divorce from him twice, but rescinded because he promised to do better. If something goes wrong, I am always to blame. He nags and fusses so that it was very hard to do my job. We moved to his home state 28 yrs. ago when he again said he’d do better. He also continued to have affairs. I was also being accused of having affairs with his brother, my brother-in-law, and whoever else. I came home from work one day and he almost jumped all over me saying I was out driving a man around and paying for hotel rooms. He also argues that he paid for everything we have, and told me to stay out of the car. He also took the key to the car that I’ve been driving for years. Our house is beautiful, and we also own real estate. He worships material things too much and likes to gamble. He also writes me notes and leaves them on the counter: Remember to clean all the grease off the counter, etc. He has also called me very hurtful things such as mf, bi, wh,which is very hurtful. Our daughters have completed college and Masters Degrees abd are very successful. My daughters and I are christians
    and attend church every Sunday and believe the Lord will sustain us. He puts on a different front around his friends. I pray daily that God will deliver him from his evil and hate ways. It’s scary to think that someone like him can function daily, Knowing how he’s mistreated me through the years.”You reap what you sow.” After this last incident, I lived with my daughters for 3 months.
    Thank God he’s always been loving and kind toward our daughters. If the laws weren’t changed, he would still be hitting, kicking, and biting. He never attended or congratulated me on my retirement. When he retired, I gave him a surprise retirement party. I am sad because I have never been unfaithful to him, and have always tried to be a good wife,friend, and partner. By the way, our oldest daughter is the one who suggested that he be narcissistic.
    Thanks for listening.

  50. Patti,

    Just because folks go to church and call themselves Christians does not mean they can back it up. Some of the sickest people hide in churches. I know because I was a member of the clergy for 25 years. That does not mean that there aren’t good people there.

    My advice to you, if your husband does not get help and show change for at least 6 months to a year I would move on with my life. Apparently you must have some reason to think he has been unfaithful. If so, more the reason to move on. You even have Christian permission to do this in the case of adultery/fornication.

    You need to get help yourself so that you are strong enough to say “no.”

    Hope this helps.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
    http://WWW.DrSam.tv

Join the Conversation!

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.

Post a Comment:


(Required, will be published)

(Required, but will not be published)

(Optional)

Recent Comments
  • JessNT: I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to you. It seems so unfair that for years I struggled with...
  • Elizabeth: I have just read the article and feel amazingly uplifted that the struggles my husband & I have been...
  • Edward: This is an interesting issue, but does the activity have to be theistic or religious in any way? Many people...
  • Nikki: this has to be the BEST idea I have ever seen! And such a worthy cause!
  • cutpartner: I’m sorry but all the bpd sufferers are doing on here exactly what my partner does in real life,...
Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter


Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code