694 Comments to
How to Spot a Narcissist

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  1. Um great info, very fascinating and all… It is all so darned logically correct, I guess, until you see the picture that was selected to represent the ‘group’ of people who have all the problems. How can anyone figure all the isms out, and then suggest that someone feeling and living through it would be accurately portrayed in the ‘giddy’ image that was chosen? Maybe look at your viewing lens, and remember that stigmas are very easy to create, with logical words like the ones you wrote.

    • I agree Michelle. I am not the picture of mental health and don’t expect others to be. Does this mean I am
      Being mean when I say that I’m not happy all of the time but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love someone?? You know even if they say something awful etc?? I mean what about time invested loyalties practicalities and facility. I feel like “choosing your friends” is kind of a kidnergarten mentality.

    • This very good information. As i read this i was tripping out because this is how my mother acts all the time. And im just sayng to myself, this her 100%. She a freaking narcissistic

      • You know a narcissistic parent most likely has a narcissistic child…

      • Total description of my mother!

    • This article is so stupid… I think it’s also mean as well… You must have been either bullied or are fat or ugly (OMG I’m a narcissists right!!).. Ok if someone isn’t hurting you or harming you emotionally kinda like you are(omg maybe I am too are we all nacissists!!!), then what’s the problem? You have an issue and you seem to need to address it? Are you getting paranoid and thinking I’m one? Come look me in the eye and tell me “game over”. I’m not one, I’m actually a great person who doesn’t like to look at negative in society. Don’t take things personally. That seems like something you should take in if you’re taking it right this second. I’m sick of hearing about “narcissistic personality disorder”. Seems like you’re just bringing people down. Bring people up then down. P.S don’t ever tell someone who is just such an awful human being as a narcissists it’s game over.. Maybe they don’t like confrontation naturally? Don’t be an ass and enjoy life instead of writing mean things.

      • totally agree. The authors own insecurities is a clear undertone of the article.

      • Maybe you would take a different look at this article at a different time. If we kept everything that was true to ourselves we would get things accomplished but at a much slower rate. Good for this person to help us all recognize our own faults. First step in achieving goal of personality change for the better.

      • I agree in fact I started to think the writer was inviting us to notice how a narcissist works as illustrated by his own article. Maybe he is

    • I agree with Michelle and take it a step farther…I saw narcissism in those comments. To assume that you understand what other’s weakness are, to assume to know why people cut you out of their life(receiving a degree) is to assume you are without fault. There are a plethora of possible reasons. The beginning of the article was very poignant, once it became personal the superiority of the writer became distracting and ironically narcisstic.

  2. Impressive… I found all my personas listed in full detail. All 4 of them in a row.

  3. Michelle,

    No one can totally figure out “all the isms” unless you are some deity! (LOL). I would agree with you. You do have to be careful. There are so many authorities, experts, gurus, etc. and they all have their labels and jargon. This can be misleading unless you are careful and a student of TRUTH.

    What I am trying to say is that most of us have wounds from our childhood. Often, we go through life managing our lives and relationships in light of how we deal with those unhealed wounds. Some folks will hide their shame by being false… someone they are not in order to be feared, accepted, admired, loved, etc. Such is the case with most narcissists. I think you would agree with the essence of this.

    Thank you for your insightful comments!

    Dr. Sam

    • Dr. Sam, student of truth???? Are you serious??? Maybe you are the narcissist! When people get this insane with ideologies judgements and expectations that’s when IM out.

      • I thought the same thing about the author being the narcissist

      • I think you hit the nail on the head.

    • Dr. Sam, aren’t pretenses and masks just a common part of society? You don’t believe in the TRUE SELF do you??? I mean that’s crazy.

      • not to be totally stating what I feel is the obvious but since life isn’t perfect and the average human lifespan is only 70 years is it ralsotic to expect a person should anew their life fulfilling your concept of life being about “healing from wounds and wing a better person?” Don’t people have better things to do with their time? Like design dresses personality flaws and all???? We can’t all posses the psychology of a psychotherapist. Strangely enough I always find psychotherapists to be some of the MOST narcisstic and dogmatic people on the planet.

    • Ok here’s the thing. what if some people are
      More highly narcissitic??? Isn’t vanity an aspect? If you don’t want to date a me is sits maybe you shouldn’t. You know, like that??? How is being with someone that you aren’t happy with and then complaining about it any LESS narcissitic??? I don’t get it at ALL.

      • Does anyone understand what I’m getting at?? Like how is it that the USA would even exist in theory if not for the vast conglomerate of narcissists it contains. It’s not a socialist country. Most functioning democracies value narcissism to a high degree.

    • My dad is a extreme narcissist how can i help him???

  4. Can you gently point out to a narcissist that he is, indeed, a narcissist? After a very stormy online relationship with one, I told him that I forgive him for his abuse, took responsibility for my contributions to the issues and gently pointed out that he is quite narcissistic. I told him I accept him with no expectations just the way he is and that I care greatly for the “real” person I caught glimpses of during our friendship. My offer to have an honest friendship in which he is free to actually be his real self has been met with silence. We were very close and I feel for the pain filled little boy I saw from time to time. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again. He knows I will pray for the Lord to bless and heal his heart no matter what the outcome.

    • Sorry Donna, i dont believe that its possible. i tried explaining that to a friend, she however automaticly took it offensively and put me in her “unsafe zone”

    • Reading your comments bought tears to my eye’s really. The man I have loved for many years is a narcissist. I wish that he could heal from the past of terrible things that have happened to him but he just doesn’t want to help himself. Because I have tried to help him he has slowly ran away from me. Very sad.

      • I’ve tried to write this several times, so I think I’ll just say this….I was a child to this kind of behavior and it lasted long after I moved away, got married and had a child. I could not understand the craziness of my father’s behavior. I had often tried to pin-point what his issues were and why he acted the way he did, but it was strange and foreign to me, so I had to let it go. It wasn’t until I found a website that explained the behavior and I realized that the trauma he suffered growing up had created a father who was emotionally detached from his feelings and incapable of showing empathy towards anyone other than himself. He was demanding, wanting to be treated like a king. He blamed others and when he didn’t get what he wanted, he would throw a temper-tantrum. He called people names and belittled their opinions and thoughts. It was incredibly embarrassing having to be on the end of his insults and even harder to watch someone else have to be torn a part. Even as I write this, I have a difficult time remembering back to those poor people who did not deserve to be treated with such disdain.
        Now, while he could be horrible in front of those he didn’t deem worthy, he would be the social butterfly around his own peers. They “got” him and the family didn’t. It’s been a very difficult road dealing with this and having to watch the people who should be in his life, running from it. I have tried to make peace with the way he was and is, but I can tell you, it’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

    • WOW. Are you sure you aren’t me??! I’ve been playing the emotional roller coaster game for 25 years now. It had finally gotten to the point where I can no longer just brush it off and only see the “good” . Now the damage far outweighs the good. You are correct; I’ve tried to point it out the past 10 years in hope he would seek help; but in his eyes there is nothing wrong with him; he’s just been going through a rough patch of life. He is once again begging me to stay and i have hung in there for 10 days now. I have to take my heart out of it and realize that if he sucks me back in with guilt about money, the kids, etc. it may be ok for a little bit; but he will still have the same embarrassing traits, patterns, etc and I will once again be caught up in the circle. I was hoping he would see that a separation is for a time for him to find himself; resolve some long needed issues, “get the picture” etc. but he keeps trying to push me back into something I don’t want to be a part of anymore. It’s hard to ward off with the sad looks, desperation, etc. But I am holding strong for the 1st time ever. I was enabling his behaviors by staying all those other times he would apologize. I have to change MY behavior in order for him to see that he needs to change his.

      • Omg your story could be my own. Almost 25 yrs. I have had enough and am making plans to get out. Never had a name for what I was dealing with with my husband. Now I do thanks to a counselor. Textbook in many ways. I wish you luck. Myself also.

      • I was married and had a child with this kind of man and divorced still played along with his issues or he would retaliate and still come back for more money and to abuse me again. I have told him no he went onto other(s) come back get more money because of constant dramas in his life such as homeless, can’t find a job,got fired for strange reasons etc etc etc it never ends

    • Afraid not, Donna. Lying is major with these people. You seldom if ever will hear them tell the truth about themselves. Now, about others, sure, especially if it makes them look bad. And, they know they’re narcissists andjust chuckle proudly to themselves, like they pulled one over on you until you pull off their mask. Then, you’re dead!

    • Having a friendship with a narcissist is difficult, indeed. Especially when you feel like God has crossed your paths.

  5. Dr. Lopez…great article! I have yet to see any like it.

    Donna, please allow me to impart what I think. From experience, when you talk to a narcissist it will be difficult to convey your feelings about them because they can be so very defensive. Their “defense mechanism” is their persona or false facade. Once this has been threatened it may be difficult to bring them to see what you see or at least accept part of what you say. Two individuals who married into my family exhibited narcissistic characteristics and from what I saw, they were always threatened when someone would point out something they did wrong, or the way they did something. In other words, some if not most narcissists are defensive and could care less about your feelings. Some are even abusive.

    My grandfather is a Pastor and has worked with many “narcissistic-like” personalities and despite his spirituality and kindliness, there appears to be a wall that prevents them from receiving his help.

    I must admit, even as a student of psychology, I’m not all too sure of a special way to deal with these types of people. Maybe there just isn’t one.

    • Narcissists can go for help, if they want. I’ve read they seldom do. M. Scott Peck M.D. held out hope they could be dealt with through years of support. Maybe these are the ones who stay in therapy forever. They are trying. Just not able to relax with the man on the street enough to pull off their mask. I do know one man who openly admits to being a narcissist. He seems both proud and amused by it, like it’s a badge of honor.

  6. Tamra,

    Thank you for your kind words.

    If a narcissist will not willingly look for healing of their wounds, you can rest assured that they will eventually encounter some major devastating event in their lives that will shake them to the core and rip off their cover. If this still does not convince the extreme narcissist to get help then he may die alone, sad, and miserable. That has been my experience in dealing with and observing this kind.

    Dr. Sam

    • A friend of mine was the victim of Domestic Violence at the hands of a narcissist. It seems that it is common that co-dependent… pleaser’s are attracted to narcissistic personalities. This seems to typically lead to a less than pleasant outcome. I am an engineer. In my quest to really understand the magnitude and potential of this person I read all I could about this disorder. There has been work done that says the disorder is a wiring problem in the brain. It prevents the person from being able to experience compassion. The are only fulfilled through manipulation and control. This can be extremely detrimental to their victims. A slow demeaning brain washing… to believe that therapy can correct this disorder is to give false hope to those addicted to this life of abuse. The best or most difficult thing is no contact….. it doesn’t get better… the N is always looking to manipulate another chance… meanwhile the damage from the abuse and behavior is adversely affecting everyone in your family. The longer you stay the more they will be damaged. Do it for your children. Find a way to get out and stay out. You can and will get through this. Join one of the many support groups or forums. You will see the stories are the same over and over again. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

      • In my quest to really understand the magnitude and potential of this person I read all I could about this disorder. There has been work done that says the disorder is a wiring problem in the brain. It prevents the person from being able to experience compassion. The are only fulfilled through manipulation and control. This can be extremely detrimental to their victims. A slow demeaning brain washing… to believe that therapy can correct this disorder is to give false hope to those addicted to this life of abuse. The best or most difficult thing is no contact….. it doesn’t get better…Richard.
        I agree with you Richard, it is about the wiring in the brain maybe a low/no functioning Amygdala.
        The old theory that’s it is all about trauma in childhood is wrong. Though abuse will I guess make a narcissist more extreme.
        My mother is NPD, She was not abused as a child, but her father was almost certainly a narc. Mother inherited her PD.
        My mother has three children, only one is a narc like her, and she was different from the beginning. Loud, confident, demanding, entitled, jealous, bossy, grandiose even as a young child.
        So if narcissism is all about abuse, why am I and my other sister not narcissists? We all suffered badly from having a mother with NPD, she was as cold as ice with a streak of sadism.
        Which means there must be a difference, a fundamental difference, between my narcissistic sister and her siblings. I think the (old) notion of ALL narcissists being ‘Made’ by abuse & trauma is wrong.
        I also think in the future brain scans will show this difference up, like it has for psychopaths.
        I agree with you, to tell people therapy will help cure a narc is not fair, narcs don’t change, the NPD is an integral part of them. Born like it.
        Therapist are reluctant to admit this, with all respect to them they need to make money!

    • Ok dr. Sam
      The problem
      Is what do you do about entire groups of people where the CULTURE. Is narcissitic and resisting that actually means YOU are being the narcissist. where image is important a very common question to ask your friends or lovers would be how do you feel this relationship affects your image and are you comfortable with that?? Is this a good image for you? How do you like how I look etc? Does it go with how you look?? Do our identities and goals match? Etc. actors and musicians are narcissistic by trade. so are many athletes models and entertainers. It’s actually a CULTURE and so participating it in is what is considered “loving”. Sitting there and saying loudly “i
      Don’t care about how it looks!” In front of a group of people whose emphasis is on this is a bit pretentious also wouldn’t you say?? How do you solve that? What if a group is based on a standard of some kind? Wouldn’t you say that refusing to participate in the standard but still expecting to belong would be highly narcissistic? What about musicians who get high TOGETHER. isn’t
      Being a part of the group consistent with conformity??? Aren’t Americans
      Very narcissistic? Isn’t that one of the hallmarks of the American identity ? Hasn’t it produced many great things that we know and love like fine wines great tv and film amazing music fine dining fashion etcetc? Why about religion? Isn’t it highly narcissistic to assume that god judges or condones anyone or
      Anything??? I mean how do you know that mobsters who follow a code aren’t just being ethical within the context of mob culture?? that’s what I don’t get. I have dealt a lot with people from very different communities and am driven insane because what the one group abhors the other reveres and just trying to befriend people in seperate groups has made me appear to be a narcissist because who do I think I am
      To related to different groups without choosing one??? This gets exhausting. Also, isn’t it the truth that unhappiness is part of life? Would you suggest I judge someone because they fell short of a dream and so are unhappy? Especially if that person has contributed a lot to my own life? Don’t narcissists often achieve things others dont because they are focused on their own accomplishments? What about the obvious narcissists such as yves St.Laurent. What is wrong with him believing god speaks to him personally through fashion??? His clothing speaks to humanity and provides employment Entertainment and much else. How is this wrong?? I mean if every one were always kind then life would kind of be like a utopia. Personally I despise all religion but I would never advocate for religious people to be persecuted. that makes me moderate. In a world of extremes being a moderate is often viewed as being narcissistic. I feel confused about these lines of thought. Didn’t you care more about your narcissitic friends’ feelings than whether or not he behaved in the way you’d like? I mean isn’t there some room just to accept a person without asking them to change?

      • All very well and good you fighting for the cause of the narcissist but do you know any??? Are you one??? I have been in a relationship with one for 18 years and am only now realising what the problem was. It was always me my childhood my negativity……. bullshit i complied i am sick of complying. any holiday he picked if i disagreed it was my problem all these things that were out of my control i complied and i payed the price never close always manipulated. I was alot younger and i dont know if that aided the manipulation but he fucked me over good and proper well rid dont defend them they are selfish bastards….ps 18 yrs and i come away with nothing i signed a disclaimer on the house when we moved in(its not mine)he saved for his pension ( i dont have one) i was a housewife and royally shit on by a narcissist. At least now if i buy something its mine and not on loan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Nisha you are completely correct. I will back you up with this one, dr. Sam it seems you are still locked on the idea that one can truly do something “for”(for the benefit of, in service for,etc.) the benefit of someone other then themselves. Basically I think the establishment that has given you your title, apparently, has built up an awful lot of “science” of psychology that recognizes an agreed upon divine or supreme law of life, like right or wrong, and it’s clear the world is far from finding there to be one at all on account that every individual you find will have different morals. All of
        This published science is somewhat based on old ways of thinking and is yes, Nisha, like you said focused around a culture that is purposes for narcissistic behaviors. Narcissism is a modieval illusion because altruism is 100 percent undetectable, therefore its opposer, narcissism, is undetectable as well. No one does anything for others they decide to say it that way when communicating. Like wouldn’t the worst narcissist in all of minds be someone who fakes service to
        Look good? It’s clear a person desires the outlook of doing something for others and being “altruistic” from their peers because whatever point in the process of the thought of doing such service they analyzed the future outcome of the event, like the pros and cons. If they made any kind of decision about the thought, which an individual inevitably does because it’s a subjective force… Always… Humans don’t become objects ever…. Then it is always concluded that they felt swayed to that decision, aka they wanted it for them selves! We all know that living involves
        Other things than just the physical individual, you gotten interact wth yor emvironment to live so love comes differently when you experience it from different places, like different people. Some reject others love or describe it In a way that one doesn’t like. But when the hell did someone decide people aren’t in title to there opinions? No matter what you don’t like that another person does, the idea is kind of to respect all. If you disagree and you think there is something specific in material world that doesn’t deserve respect, like an evil deed or there being one sin worse than another for you christians, than you are claiming a purpose of exclusion! This will result on the death of humanity and is already causing all wars and conflict. Abandon these Old superstitions. All of the ” personality disorders” are just character traits we all have. We sit in a room and play the name game because were scared of the way we handled some person . Wouldn’t any person who has already been in an argument with someone definitely say things about the other person like ” they only think they’re right, they won’t give in, I think he misperceived the situation, he’s confused” narcissism is what society invented to attack the prideful side of their fears. Most people who’ve been responded here are playing this game, if you claim another person is messed up in an illusory way that can’t ever truly been proven or been understood as concrete, then you’re just doing the same thing by sitting their acting like a god claiming your individual perspective is right as opposed
        Someone else. Like you thinking you’re different or…. wired wrong…Don’t listen to psychiatrists. Trust only yourselves but never claim you know,
        For good.

    • Dr. Lopez,
      Having no idea as to where you received your Ph.D. nor in what field your degree is in, I must say you are a danger in the field of therapy and advise to have a disclaimer in the realm as such ” This information should not be relied upon as a consultation, and should been seen as an opinion( as I see it a very personal opinion) and entertainment” .How would anyone and much less someone whom is claiming to have a Ph.D. would use such words or claim analysis as you do.
      With all due respect your opinions( as to theory you can not claim such) are erroneous and can be damaging to a lay persons mental health. Dr. you need a real doctors help I say that with all respect, I know it may sound harsh, but you need to stop this rodeo, until you receive real help.

  7. Tamra & Dr. Sam-

    Thank you both for your imput. How very sad and what a waste. He was always defensive-even to a degree that was comical. It got to be exhausting placating his temper tantrums. He will always be in my heart and it is comforting to know that God is bigger and stronger than G is, even though I would imagine he would disagree. Thank you again. Time to mourn now…

    • I am in the exact same situation. Its been 3 1/2 years & im very near the end of my rope. Its amazing how you can love someone with your whole being but in the end it didnt matter. Always extreme highs & lows in the relationship to the point where its simply exhausting. Walking on egg shells is a perfect description of loving a N. ;(

  8. Extreme narcissists are truly lonely people. They are hurting and they cannot let themselves experience intimacy. That is very scary for them. A person I know was dating one of these and when she was physically intimate with him he opened up his “insides” only to quickly freak out. Discovering that he opened up a crack showing who he truly was caused him great consternation. Like a turtle, he pull back into his shell and once again disconnected totally from anyone who cared and/or who could help him. Sad.

    Dr. Sam

    • I mean it gets tricky! People like Oprah and Mariah Carey are narcissitic because it’s PART OF THEIR JOB AND IDENTITY. Do you honesty believe that people who have earned their status aren’t
      Going to be status obsessed? I mean isn’t that a PART OF SEEKING STATUS is judging others by their status??? I don’t know this is strong to sound like a very unrealistic way of determining a persons worth or value, by whether or not they are narcissistic.

      • Omygosh Nisha, please get some help … seriously. Find someone whom you respect enough to listen to … regardless of whatever tough things they might tell you about yourself … for your own sake. Take Care. Life can be much easier than this.

      • Nisha,

        It sounds as if these descriptions are hitting too close to home for you. Perhaps you should step back and as why you are reacting like this.

        Hearing truth can be very hard. I hope you find a calm place.

      • Saying that narcissism is “just a part of the culture” or “a job requirement” is just a way to shift blame for one’s own behavior onto something outside the self…another way to decide “I don’t have to try to change, because it’s not my fault I’m like this! It’s what I HAVE to be!” That’s just a way we fool ourselves into blaming others for our own actions and choices.

        And no, you don’t have to be status obsessed to be high status – it happens, sure, but it’s not required. Just like fame, it happens for many reasons…some people are “famous for being famous,” but most of them are famous for something else, some skill or talent they have.

        And judging others by their status…how does that work, exactly? I mean, you can judge someone’s specific knowledge based on their status in their field of expertise – like Yves Saint Laurent’s opinions on fashion and design being more valuable than Joe Blow’s – but that doesn’t mean Yves Saint Laurent was a better person (and even Joe Blow might have an insightful opinion or two about fashion in him). Some very high-status people have been wretched human beings, and some people with no status to speak of have been highly talented (but unrecognized in their lifetime, like Van Gogh), or honorable and compassionate souls who left the world a better place in a small way.

  9. You belief that narcissists are curable is highly optimistic.

  10. My mother is a narcissist and it would take a stick of dynamite to change her.

    Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression,Conquered My Fears and Found Happines

  11. Derek, Wendy,

    I have seen narcissists cured… but like you (Wendy) said, it usually takes “dynamite” events in their lives to get their attention and consider getting help. Once they become humble enough to admit they need help then they can get their wounds healed and start trusting safe people and being vulnerable. It is then when they can be Okay with their own warts. That’ healthy!

    Dr. Sam

    • Narcissists will NEVER change until they are either DYING or all alone.

      And even then , I would not bet on it.
      In such situations, nutjobs always DOUBLE-DOWN.

      Absolutely no use in talking to them.

      The author and website do a GREAT service by pointing out these parasites (whether through no fault of their own or their own) to all of us.

      Thank you author.
      Once something is recognized and named, it is FAR easier to CONTROL.

      And make no mistake, we must CONTROL these parasites or they will KILL US ALL.
      No doubt about that.

  12. Dr. Sam, Could you please comment on the association between sociopaths and narcissists? Seems like the few (thankfully) sociopaths I have known are, by necesssity, narcissists as well, but not all narcissists seem to be sociopaths. Thanks!

  13. Laura,

    I am no authority on sociopathy. Looking over the general characteristics of such type of individual it appears to me that the major difference compared to an extreme narcissist is that the sociopath is evil in his motivation. He deliberately will hurt others with premeditation. Both are extremely egotistical but the sociopath’s ego is on steroids and very dark. I found this web site with some information on sociopaths and others: http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

    Dr. Sam

  14. Reading this made me feel awful… I am much of what you described, even at my advancing age… although I’ve had a stable, loving marriage for over 40 years, with mostly happy, well adjusted children, who appear ok., emotionally. I’ve never stopped trying to understand my childhood and traumas, that left such scars…in my mind, anyway. Is that ‘narcissistic’ ? I’ve just always wanted to understand why I felt as I did.. and reacted as I did…so defensively… I guess this explains it. It sounds so awful, though, when seen in print.. or probably if heard, out-loud. :( Is there hope, even at my age, to ‘get over myself’ ?
    I think I would crumble under psychiatric counselling, now……. wouldn’t want to dig it all up, now, that I’ve come so far, by myself and with loving family & friends. I’ve always just had serious talks with myself and have been able to get past my own little pity parties…. will I be ok .. or am I just fooling myself and being over confident ?

    Thanks for listening…

    • Lee I don’t know. Like I said before we all cause each other pain. If you can’t learn to love a person even though they cause you pain then maybe what you are is a whiny little baby who expect people to come wrapped in chocolate. I try my best to accommodate. Like I said there are industries in which narcissism
      Is very common. there’s no way to just “avoid” these people. Period.
      they are your colleagues and friends. This is just the basic reality.
      narcissism and creative genius are also correlated. Look, life isn’t ideal. That’s not why it is. So how can any one person
      Expect that others become their ideal? why not just live with life as it is with the complex feelings that exist etcetc.

      • As a mother of adult son with NPD, I appreciate this comment. I have to find a way to accept my son for who he is if I want to have a relationship with him, his wife, and our first grandchild.

    • Lee why can’t you feel sorry for yourself? I try to look at people as
      Artworks. Their emotions as part of the spectrum of human experience. I don’t like it when I see that people’s emotions are expected to accommodate a status quo. Why can’t you be lee, guy who feels sorry for himself sometimes???

  15. Lee,

    Yes, there is hope for you!!! Lots!

    I appreciate your humility in admitting that you have your own “stuff.” I have had to process and deal with my own.

    Feel free to contact me via my web site. I can give you specific direction on how you can deal with your “stuff” in a gentle way that minimizes the pain. There are ways.

    Dr. Sam

  16. I’m a bit suspicious that you seem to have known so many narcissists amongst friends and colleagues! Maybe you try to get more intimae with these people than they desire, trying to get them to reveal their weaknesses, so that they then avoid you because you’re infringing their personal boundaries. If I had a friend or colleague who was a psychotherapist and he started probing me about my weaknesses, I’d pretty quickly go off him.

  17. Rachel,

    In my past when I had poor personal boundaries I tended to attract quite a few of narcissists. I have no extreme narcissists as my closest friends any longer. Why? I’ve healed and grown to have healthier boundaries and in my ability to say “No” and mean it no matter what devices any extreme narcissist might employ to guilt-trip.

    In my private practice I do come across many narcissists, in the form of a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend being drug into a therapy session as part of marital/relationship counseling. In psychotherapy I do have to be honest and help the person see what I see in them. Sometimes they don’t like it and don’t like me. They usually don’t come back or drop out eventually. Some do see the light and change. These are very “cool” people.

    I also sometimes see addicts of sorts who typify extreme narcissism. That is common among the addict population.

    Most of my very close friends want to improve and so we have a commitment to helping one another through honesty and openness in our relationship. Those are the only kind of persons I would let be my closest friends.

    Dr. Sam

  18. a really insightful article and gives me answers to the behavoir of person i love very much but who i might have to give up because the closer we get the more he seems to get scared though he presents to me a picture of complete control and coolness. Though recently there was a bit of a breakthrough when he opened up but it was to ‘correct’ his image rather than to confide in someone who cares. I wonder though how can one help such a person open up without them feeling that their ‘dignity’ is at stake?

  19. Twara,

    It appears that for an extreme narcissist to open up he/she has to feel safe. He/she has to feel that there is no danger and has protection. There might have to be some sort of confrontation of the fact he/she is hiding and that’s Okay due to wounds. In addition, he/she has to see that there will be no healing and progress forward in a healthy life and relationships until he/she can trust someone that will not hurt him/her to receive the help to heal.

    That is the beginning step.

    The following step is:

    If he/she goes there and starts to heal then the next step is to acquire effective decision processes to determine who is healthy for them in relationships and therefore have good boundaries. Otherwise, he/she will get severely wounded again and go back into the shell of narcissism.

    Dr. Sam

  20. Dr Sam

    This article ahs made me realise that my ex husband, sister and a close friend are narcissists! My sister in law, was always so jealous of my acheivements, friends and ability to be liked by so many that she made my life a complete misery. I do hope that you are right in saying that something devastating that happens to them will make them realise the pain I went through. I had to leave the marriage as my ex husband always took her side. Now he is an ill man, and is trying hard to accept a unfulfilling relationship. Always trying to please his brother and wife. LOL

  21. This is a very informative article. I have an ex-stepson who fits the category. He continually brags on himself, shows no responsibility, job-hops, and is manipulative. The world revolves around him, alone. All of the above behaviors are evident in his personality. He continues to display the behavior of a 9 year old, although he’s 34. He has been known to mock and tease my 2 1/2 yr old grandson just to see him cry. Actually, it’s a little sociopathic. (My grandson is being removed from the situation and has minimal contact with him).
    As a crisis assessor, I come in contact with many substance abusers with this type personality. It’s sad but true…until they realize they have a problem and want help, there is not much we can do.

  22. I’m starting to see, and also from personal experience with friends and others, that there is a very significant and subliminal piece of wisdom to understanding narcissists. Perhaps having pity on them will keep us from being hurt by them and also angered. I know its difficult, but I think this is wise. As Dr. Sam has stated, they are hurting and may very well be the victim of a deficient childhood. Most also really need to feel “good” about themselves,even if it is false, because of a deep void. Although it might be difficult to “feel sorry” or even have some sort of sympathy for these types of people, I think we should at least express empathy and then…walk away, especially if they are a hindrance to your life and the healthy state of your emotions/mind.

    I’m sure we can all agree with Dr. Sam that relationships that embrace honesty and truth are the relationships most beneficial! In order for us to move past a narcissist, forgiving them (so that they won’t be bothersome to your conscience) and expressing understanding (i.e., empathy) of their “problem”, will certainly help us to eventually get over them!!!

    What a stirring discussion!

  23. I am so grateful for the article and the comments. My heart feels as if it’s breaking in million little pieces. I’ve been in a relationship (and living with)with a narcissist for almost two years. I’m an emotional and neurotic wreck now. I know I should get out but I love him. I’m a trained counsellor and always see the hurt and insecurity in him. For that reason I keep believing and hoping he’ll change. He can be soooo nice sometimes. I don’t think he’ll get help. He is 46 and God knows, difficult. I canonly but pray for him and me.

  24. Annie,

    There are multiple levels here in what you are experiencing. Besides all the standard “enabler” and “co-dependent” things that you know are going on there is yet another level. I noticed that you are a spiritual person. So am I. With all due respect, I personally believe that when a woman and a man have unprotected sexual intimacy then a connection happens that goes beyond just body fluids co-mingling (please excuse my attempt to avoid being explicit). When “the two become one” then there is an obsession state that becomes initiated, almost like an addiction but at a psyche level. I tell my patients that it is like having cable TV plugged into your head.

    Since your man is not willing to get healthy, for you to get healthy, you must leave him. The problem is that you have this psychical (sp?) dependence on him. In other words, you have an addiction to this person. To break it you must break that union but you must go to the inception memory and surrender it to your Higher Power, thus releasing him at that level, at the moment it was connected. With permission of the patient, I have done this so many times with similar types of situations and in every single case they have felt alleviation and release of the person they were addicted to. Healing immediately follows unless there is a relapse into another unprotected sexual union again.

    I hope this helps.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

    • Thank you for sharing this information. I have struggled with a situation for 2 years now. When I met him he “took my breath away”. That in itself was a warning sign so I’ve always had my guard up trying to pay attention to my intuition. Despite that, I repeatedly allowed myself to get sucked into his web. Your article put all of my feelings into words. I am thankful that I never got fully involved with him. I can see his pain. My heart goes out to him but I didn’t cause that pain and it is not my responsibility to fix it. I have learned so much about myself through this process. Thanks again for the words.

  25. This article so clearly describes my son whom I have known is a narcissist. He has been diagnosed with it. I feel such deep guilt because I know it is my fault. I was a single parent raising him and did not always provide the best environment for him. He also is bi-polar and suffers from borderline personality disorder. Also, I am so sad and constantly worrying about his future and his being alone all the time. At least it brings some hope that you have seen other narcissists cured. Thanks for your great article.

  26. This article was informative and helpful but did not specifically and authentically describe the emptiness that the narcissists have inside…that would account for the inability to share (what they don’t have), and the fact that they use and use up everyone and everything that comes in contact with them. These people are often in relationships (CO-dependent) with those who had narcissists as parents, siblings, or other important people in their developing years that caused them to be unable to control the situation and leave (due to age, money, etc.) or were as you said “obsessed” with the relationship. There is always a hope that the narcissist will change or that there is a wonderful person inside that the co dependent can see as having so much potential, but the development of that never comes to fruition. So the co-de is left with continuing to hope, realizing the limitations of the relationship and how it relates to their own deep wounds, and being able to decide to stay with boundaries/limitations or finally get out and get healthy. This has been a personal journey for me as I have been raised in an extremely narcissistic family, with both parents and both siblings, as well as aunts/uncles/cousins/friends, and even my husband of 14 years showing up in my life as narcissistic “TAKERS”. I thank God every day for the blessing of a Christian counselor in my life who specializes in working with patients who are traumatized by this type of persona, and has set me on a path of perception, recognition, and elimination of accepting this type of behavior from anyone because I certainly, as a Child of God, deserve to be respected, treated with dignity, and am entitled to a sense of peace and being unconditionally loved for who I am, not for what these people can gain from me. It has been a very long and hurtful journey but well worth the freedom found at the end when you finally find your own worth in yourself!

  27. Bella,

    That was a wonderful contribution. I can see that you have very good insight into the dynamics of co-dependency and how narcissists are part of that equation. Narcissistic parents create severe damage in their children. I have consistently seen the results in many students and patients of mine. Many of these damaged persons go into various addictive behaviors in order to self-medicate.

    I am very glad that you are well on your path to wholeness. You may have read these resources but let me pass on to you and the readers two great little books that were instrumental in my path to wholeness:


    null null

    Both are by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

    You can obtain them at the following Amazon Links:


    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  28. I have been living with one for years. Not necessarily an extreme. but a man who runs his life based on values, and principles of his grandparents. Everyone is measured by his yardstick. Needless to say, no one ever measures up. will never address these issues as distrusting of all psychologists.

  29. I have been living with one for years. Not necessarily an extreme. but a man who runs his life based on values, and principles of his grandparents. Everyone is measured by his yardstick. Needless to say, no one ever measures up. will never address these issues as distrusting of all psychologists.

  30. Eileen,

    Your significant other sounds like many that I encounter in similar situations. They tend to demonize the psychotherapist/psychologist. They shift personal need and responsibility by blaming others. That is a form of self-destruction… a subtle and quiet one. He can’t possibly be a happy person. You can tell him I said so… LOL!

    Just my opinion.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  31. Hello to everyone,

    I have been researching this disorder on and off for about 4 months now. I believe that my husband is one. We are now separated. He actually thinks that the world revolve around him. At first I thought that he was just a selfish lazy inconsiderate person not seeing the signs but that was not all. He loves when attention is on him and he definitely hates the fact that I am on to him on everything that he does. He often fake sick, lie about simple things, paranoid, thinks that just because he is struggling “everyone has to help him” he gets mad when family and friends put their family before him or “no one understands his situation” or he thinks that I “always” say negative things to him. He always twist what I tell him to his advantage and I cant even call my husband my best friend because majority of the things that I tell him in secret he reminds me of it when we argue. He also thinks that every argument is the “end of the world”. He is very emotionally and verbally abusive. If I never had thought that he was a narcissist I probably would have divorced him a long time ago. How do I get my husband to understand that he needs help, we went to counseling and he often shuts down thinking that the counselor is taking my side. This is the first time that I responded to the different sites I came across and please forgive my typos and grammar! I am desperate for help!

  32. Sharonda,

    Your husband is probably one of the world’s most amazing “actors.” He knows his craft well. He has honed this skill for a long time. He exhibits the classic traits of a magnanimous ego! The ego takes one of two extremes at different times. These are:

    1) Aggrandizement: Grandiosity or to think of yourself as the center of the Universe. “I am better than you!”

    2) Victimization: “I suffer more than you do, therefore I am better than you! I deserve special treatment.”

    Your husband graduated with honors on No. 2 (victimization). He knows just how to turn the tables on you to make you feel like a creep and guilty. That’s called shaming. What he does with the therapist in counseling is typical of spouses that try to discredit the authority that is saying they are sick and need help.

    What do you do?

    Give him an ultimatum with a very clear list of requirements that show accountability to a third party person, get a job, have reasonable goals with dates to be designed by a highly competent psychotherapist/psychologist who has a long track record of helping many people effectively.

    Give him a specific amount of time to do all of this (3 months to one year maybe).

    The thing I would do that is very easy for him to do is to get a job even if it is flipping hamburgers. He must hold on to the job and not get fired from it or walk off. If he does not do this you are done with him. To stay with him you must see progress in all the areas. You must see a brokenness in his attitude, he must ask for your forgiveness and that of the children if they know what is going on. He must be humble, and stop blaming others but take responsibility for himself.

    I hope this helps you some.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  33. In my personal experience with my narcissist ex-husband, they appear to be “rational” and may even be in professions like computer programming. But they are NOT “logical” or “rational” in their behavior, choices or thinking. Anything BUT!!! My mistake, in fact, was trying to reason with him, which failed spectacularlly and made him WORSE in his tactics. I think they like logic and reason as a hobby – outside of themselves; they gravitate to it because it is predictable and safe and has rules, but the law unto themselves is different.

  34. Amwh,

    I’m always amazed at the tricks ego plays. It is logical when it needs to and then religiously pompous by making its own rules, no matter if they are irrational. Godlike, isn’t it? The ego creates its own universe with its own rules. Damn anyone who tries to upset that world. Interesting.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  35. Thanks Dr. Sam,
    Thank you for responding. Yes, he is a character; he does play the victim role better than anything. This last ultimatum was very clear; I gave him until August 8 to achieve 2/3 of these goals, so that he can come home. 1.) Get a second job [the job that he has now 75% of it goes to child support and from previous relationship it also goes on insurance for everyone, so I figured he needs to help and not depend on my child support and my income from working, to survive. He has two habits smoking and he likes to spend money always putting himself first! 2.) Go to counseling by himself as I said before we tried to go together but he always think that I disagree with everything that he says and that our counselors look down on him. And 3.) Anger Management to help teach him coping ways so that he knows that everyone gets angry its how you control it is the problem.
    He finally supposingly goes to counseling (to make a long story short) I asked what the counselor name was and he “Blows up!” never answering my question saying “ you don’t trust me, I thought that we was trying to build our relationship back by trusting” Now I responded saying All I did was ask a question he says he forgot “the mans name”. To this day he still has not given me a name. On all receipts of Counselors and psychiatrists there is always a name on the receipt! If he did go which of course I don’t believe he only accomplished 1/3.
    I’m still confused is he a narcissist or just a lazy selfish person that doesn’t “really” care about anyone but his self? I have no problem about being alone and I know that I can do it I am just tired of going on this emotional roller coaster and I had my anxiety level under control until I started catching him in lies so all the hard work that I have accomplished is starting to whither away because of this roller coaster ride he is taking me on! Thanks for your response again. I’m desperate I just need to know.


  36. Sharonda,

    You asked, “I’m still confused is he a narcissist or just a lazy selfish person that doesn’t “really” care about anyone but his self?

    I would say he is both.

    If I were in your shoes, assuming I am understanding you, I would probably separate from him and have him prove himself over time to you. This way you have insulation to avoid continuing getting hurt by him. Give yourself a time limit, at which point you move on with your life.

    As for his answers on you asking for who is his therapist… I believe he is not seeing any or stopped. What is so hard about giving you his/her name? I probably would have set it up for him to give his therapist permission/release so that you can find out if he is going to therapy directly from the therapist.

    Hope this is helpful.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  37. Thanks Doc,
    I just wanted some reassurance to make sure that I wasn’t crazy. We are already seperated and have been this “last go round” since May due to the problems with lying, not learning that he has to be the one to rise up and take control of his life and not society being responsible of his.Basically be a MAN and stop depending on others. I did it by myself for 10 yrs with 5 kids I can do it again with 5+1 that we share together.
    Thanks again,

  38. WOW! It is so very very comforting to find a forum where I can talk about what’s going on with my life … I have somehow managed to end up in love with a narcissist .. one thing that my narcissist does, constantly, is say he is going to do something and then doesnt do it .. and he is always late … at least 2 hours without fail…he also seems to be a bit of a hypo chondriac … takes comfort in going to the doctor, chiro, laser eye stuff, sleep clinic, back problems, ear nose throat … I wish I would somehow bring up to him the impact he is having on my life and situation, but I feel guilty because I’m still choosing to stay involved with him. He is very proper and actually doesn’t know how to relax and have fun…he is a self made millionaire and I think he is addicted to money .. weve been dating a year and I know he gets upset when I put my own needs before his .. several times I have broken up with him or threatened to, and each time, once his back is to teh wall, he apologizes over and over and over again .. pages and pages of emails and promises … is it true that the only way I will ever get him to do what he promises is to threaten him? How does that make him feel? I’m smart enough to not tell him that I’m on to him.. am truly compassionate and more long suffering than any one should be … we do not live together because I have children and DO NOT want them exposed to him day after day … he’s not a good example of a fine human being and yet I continue to stay with him, because i do pity him … many times I have felt trapped .. perhaps you could give me some hints on how to either decide to get out or to somehow tell him what I see in him and give him the ultimatum…I live near Toronto Ontario and could use the name of a good therapist who is used to handling this type of thing for me..

  39. Brittany,

    1. I see that this guy has a spell on you. I don’t know what it is but it could be his money, his little love for you, the emotional addiction created by being physically involved (if any), your deficits from your father, etc.

    2. He is not at all healthy. He basically is full of himself and only himself. In his world, he is God. There is no place for him loving you because he occupies that place. Admit it to yourself once for all.

    3. You are a caring person and there are good guys out there that will reciprocate care back to you. This guy will not. Leave the dream. Find yourself a man that will die for you because you are worth it to him. A man that will climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea, and kill the hordes of hell for you. That’s the kind of guy you need to be on the look out for.

    4. Get to the bottom of the possible dysfunction that you give and give and give of yourself until you are wasted and trashed only to get a few drops of love back. You are crying, “Someone, please love me!” Realize that a man abusing you like this guy is not loving you and you must run like the plague from this guy. Get the two books I mentioned to an earlier poster by Townsend and Cloud. These will do wonders for you if you apply the insight.

    Brittany… there are better guys out there.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  40. all i can say, is that i can feel for all of you above. i came across your site here. i’ve recently experienced some of the most bizarre experiences with a woman that i work with. when we first met at work, the conversation, etc., took off so fast. i would say, that i guess we got to know each other really well. i can honestly say, that within a span of 4-5 months, i felt as if i was in love with her. i really liked her – we could talk about anything, she would tell me her problems (about work, and also personal problems). she revealed to me, i would say, some of her most personal thoughts and feelings about everything and everyone. she would tell me about what kind of man she would like to go out with, she would tell me about a man that she said she was in love with, she would tell me about men that she slept with, and many other things, i think you all can get the idea. so i figured that we were close, right? she liked me, right? we were good friends, right? she could tell me anything, right? we spoke a few times on the phone, she gave me her number, and told me ‘now we can always be connected.’ she seemed so excited w/ my friendship, that after a month of working together, she told me, ‘hey, let’s go to dinner.’ sort of caught me off guard, but i said ‘heck ya’. she is so beautiful. so i was all excited. so the dinner is coming up the next week, and she cancels, using what seemed to be i guess a ligitmate excuse. so we go to lunch, and have a really bad time that day. i apologize, and she says ‘it doesn’t matter.’ while we were eating, she said ‘i see a lot of pain in your eyes.’ so to make a longer story long, we had a dispute about 7 months into our ‘interactions.’ i hinted and told her that i really liked her. i was so hooked. she is so beautiful. she indicated that she liked the other guy, and had no interest in me, only as friends, but yet, she told me everything about who she wanted to marry, go out with, how she wanted a man to understand her, how nobody can understand her because she is ‘special,’ and all she wants to be is understood, etc. at this point, i would just like to make it known, that i work with this woman. so i back off. then i get a phone call. she pours her heart out to me, how i am so great, how she admires me, how she wants to come over to my apartment, how we should do this, we should do that, how i’ve got my degree, how she is just this, or she is just that, how the guy she likes is really not that good looking. she said she loves me like a brother (i should have known). so, for the next 4 months we are getting along great. we talked to each other about who we should be going out with, how she should go out with this guy, how i should go out with this girl, etc. so i kept asking her to perhaps, go to lunch w/ me or hang out, we were getting along so good. we would make plans, and then she would cancel. sometimes, she would just forget we made plans. or sometimes we would make plans, and then she would cancel them, 5-10 minutes later, saying she had to go home. then, in May, i told her, that it seems like she wants to ‘hang out with me’ but then at times, i got confused, because she would then indicate that ‘she didn’t want to hang out w/ me.’ now comes the 1st blow-up. she now told me, that ‘if you understood me just as friendship, then you wouldn’t be so upset. i will not let you in, and that frustrates and bothers you.’ so, now she is not talking to me. i try to mend things; i send her emails, i call her… no response. so i get all depresed, crying and everything, because we were good friends i thought. so a month and a half has passed w/o conversation, and now she breaks out. no apologies from her, she just starts talking to me again. i am still walking on eggshells, trying to mend what i thought was a friendship? so for the next months, until December, supposedly we are friends again. Then she asked me for a favor, i remember…
    i sort of refused, then, the 2nd blow-up. she got really angry (i guess) at me in December, and did not talk to me until May of the next year. No contact w/ me at all, she would ignore me, etc. i cried and cried and tried to figure out what was going on, trying to mend everything w/ her, but she would not budge and ignore me. so comes May – she had a problem on her computer. i helped her with it. then we started talking again, and worked our way up to January. no apologies again, just started talking, i must say all of the effort was on my behalf that we spoke again. wow i am losing track… so she got a promotion. so again, she seemed like she was just ticked off at me for soemthing. so i ask her, ‘are you upset w/ me?’ wrong thing to ask, i could have done better at the time, but who knows. she says ‘no,’ but now, she also told me that ‘i think that you and i should just keep our distance, and be professional…’ so i cry again and again and again. i try to mend fences, eggshells for about a month or two. she would not talk to me. she ignored me. so finally, on her birthday, i give her a card. no apologies are exchanged, now everything is back to normal. she told me that on Valentine’s Day, we could not talk ‘because we were mad at each other.’ but, i was never mad at her, she was just so unapproachable that i was kind of scared. but whatever. So this is February this happened. so the next 9 months, we talk, then she recently gets a promotion. true i have not gone out of my way to speak to her as much as i did, for my own sanity, but i still tried to keep contact w/ her at work, going to her office and talking, writing emails, etc. we even sent emails at home too. now i get the cold shoulder, and she has basically stopped talking to me again. she ignores me. she acts like she is not giving the ‘silent treatment,’ but she really is. you know how you can tell that… we used to talk about everything, i considered her my best friend, she said we were good friends, she cancelled so many plans we had, i was frustrated, etc. so, what does anyone think? i guess i am just crazy. i see her in the hallway, she walks right by me sometimes w/o even saying ‘hello,’ sometimes she says ‘hi’ and ‘bye.’ this is so complicated. i don’t know how another human being can treat another person like this, i am confused. she even always told me that she was frustrated w/ her relationship with her troubled boyfriend, because he didn’t tell her what was really bothering him – he gave her the silent treatment, so why is she doing that to me? this hurts my feelings, but i am dealing with it, reading spiritual books and self-esteem books, keeping everything to myself for now, so i don’t drive everyone else crazy. i feel drained around her, i feel as if she used me and just left me like you would leave an old computer, that she cares, but doesn’t care at the same time. so what is going on? so i guess it is over. i guess i am just crazy. but anyways, just thought i’d let everyone know, that i can really feel for them on this blog. so i am getting better believe it or not through my own therapies, and one day my goal is just to use this as a learning experience and do the ‘moving forward’ thing. i’ve realized through this experience, that i’ve got some issues (such as ‘love addiction’ and ‘co-dependency’ and ‘self-esteem’ issues.) thanks everyone, and stay positive and if anyone else has had a run-in with someone of this nature, things will get better for you after it is over. lastly, i look forward to the day that i won’t give this a second thought – all i can say, is that maybe we should all think that way.

  41. Hi,

    Great article. Unfortunately I found my name written all over that article. How does one cure themselves? I find it very difficult…

  42. Andy,

    Wow! That was a novel length response! :)

    Basically what I see is that you are addicted to this abusive, selfish, manipulative, extremely narcissistic beautiful woman.

    You first have to admit to yourself that you are addicted. This could be that you have a love-vacuum that is very deep and therefore you are begging through your actions and saying, “Please love me.”

    You are groveling for her love. She treats you like ????

    You need to get to the bottom of your love hunger and see if it is related to a lack of attachment/love from your mother who typically fills this in a boy and should be filled by his puberty years.

    You also can look at whether your father affirmed you and ever said, “I’m proud of you.” and “I respect you as a man” and in so doing he gave you your anchor for life. You might feel like you need this woman to tell you that you are a man. I’m not as strong on this one as the mother connection previously mentioned.

    You need to look at why you are becoming a doormat to this abusive woman. I think it is because you’ll take whatever crumb of “love” you’ll get from her. That, to me, shows a deficit of your inner love tank that should have been filled up by parents. You are still seeking their love and approval in this relationship. Just my opinion.

    Keep in mind also that if you were intimate physically with this woman then that will also accelerate the addiction because it superimposes not only your inner need for love but it anchors your body feelings to her in the most intensive way possible.

    I recommend that you get yourself the two books I mentioned earlier in the comments. I get no commission for this.

    Just my two cents.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  43. Oliver,

    You said, “Great article. Unfortunately I found my name written all over that article. How does one cure themselves? I find it very difficult…”

    Oliver, I would recommend you take a close look at my prior advice to other here.

    The one thing that I would recommend to an extreme narcissist who wants healing is to find the wound or wounds that caused him to create the insulating “costume/shield/suit/persona” in order to survive and move in life with minimal pain. This is the core of narcissism. Find that wounded kid inside you and start the healing. Be courageous and strong… but find that kid inside and rescue him! Then you will heal.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  44. hello. this is Andy. wow i agree with everything you said. well, it might sound really odd, but the only form of body contact that she ever let me do was one time, she asked me to touch/press on her stomach, so i did. she said that she was bloated, and she wanted me to see how hard her stomach was. i thought at the time it was weird/odd request, but i did it anyways, because i was so into her and infatuated. is that normal for a woman you work with to ask her to touch her stomach? who knows, i’m not blaming just stating a fact… so thankfully, that is the only time i really have ever touched her in the last 3 years (thank god) (besides hugging her once, i did manage to hug her, but when i did, it seemed kind of ‘cold’ or whatever you would like to call it, like emotionally meaningless… not sure, not like a real hug, like a zombie, if you know what i mean?) i have to admit that i do think of that once in a while, hope that small incident didn’t do that accelerating the addiction. you are right, i am so addicted, and trying to break it every day. i am going to buy those books you recommended too. it is weird because i know that she has been mean to me, did the abusing thing, has given me only small amounts of emotional satisfaction in return (just to keep me hooked i suppose). she sort of teased me. but yet i kept running back to her, so that is my fault i must admit, but i couldn’t stop, i thought i was ‘in love’, if that makes any sense, and looking for any amount of love, like you were telling me above. i was the perfect prey for such an incident, but i am going to change after this. but whatever, i do know what went on and could still go on if i let it… so i have done some research, and bought a lot of self-esteem books, spiritual books, and also personal awareness books, addiction books, and i think they have really helped. some of the books i’ve bought are ‘self-esteem by Matthew McKay PHD and Patrick Fanning,’ ‘Addiction and Recovery for Dummies,’ A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle, ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, ‘Celebrate Yourself’ esteem book by Dorothy Briggs, ‘How to Break Your Addiction to a Person’ by Howard Halpern, ‘I Need Your Love – Is That True’ by Byron Katie, ‘Loving What Is’ by Byron Katie, and also ‘Addiction to Love’ by Susan Peabody (which really really helped) and some other books of the same nature. i even went as far to buy a Bi-Polar workbook, cz i thought i was going bi-polar. and the coolest thing i’ve done, is i bought this book for an addiction to smoking, called ‘teach yourself stop smoking’. what i have done, is take every word in the book, and reversing them towards this incident, sort of using her name or using the word ‘addiction’, and it is helping… i’m trying to create an image of her as a big lethal cigarette, and smoking her is bad. if that makes any sense. it’s a longshot, but i think that anything helps. i just can’t believe all this ‘self therapy’ i have been reading to help me get over this, wow… i feel as if i’m about 50 – 60% better nowadays, (with a long ways to go). i do really have to get this fixed, because i hear her voice and see her at work. it seems as though everywhere i look, (and not to get too psychological) there are those psychological ‘anchors’ everywhere in the whole building, but i am working on erasing those from my memory, and creating new ‘anchors’ where those once were, with any image there but her, and it is sloooowly helping, but this whole process takes time i realize. when i wrote last night i was really bothered. but i do know that i allowed myself to be pulled into this, so it is not all her fault, but i just couldn’t stop the spiral, for whatever reason. but i would like to say that after reading some about narcassistic behavior, this whole situation kind of fits the mold for that, unfortunately. that is why i said that i feel for everyone on this blog/website, because i know how confusing it can be on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, it hurts to the core and right through the heart (of the chosen victim), and all we can do is just try to recover emotionally as best we can, put ourselves back together again after such an experience, and whatever situation we happen to be in, move forward, because there is hope. i figure after i can get out of this situation, i can survive through anything, and i give encouragement to the other readers not to give up, no matter how much your mind can feel twisted and warped after such an encounter. thanks for your input too, it really helped to re-enforce what i have been trying to reverse, or get better from, from my past – i know that some of it too came from my parents, but unfortunately not too loving at times, and also 2 sisters, and i do not speak to them anymore. and I agree, my Dad basically gave me a bunch of ‘bad’ anchors to sit within my psyche, and i am working on erasing those too. what u said about my Mom makes sense too. i mean, i’ve seen other children raised in high ‘self-esteem’ environments, and i can see the difference in their behavior, how they react differently in certain situations. but i do know that i do not ever want this woman to continue to keep me in her psychological web, and i am going to get out out it, and i hope that others that read this can learn from my mistakes with these individuals, and do not get involved with them or get seduced by their charm (they are good, the best actually). others can get out too it just takes a lot of determination so don’t give up. i recommend to help anyone get over this, to buy those two books that Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. recommended, and any or a lot of self-esteem books to help build your self-esteem to the max, it will help you can fight off the ‘guilty’ feelings that you may encounter, and also any other spiritual books, addiction books, etc., just to help calm your nerves throughout the withdrawal process. i would try those kind of books to help you get over the situation, or even therapy w/ a good therapist who can get to the core problem and really help. so i recommend all of those books i mentioned above too, they have helped, along with the books that Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. has recommeded. everything helps. i just want everyone to know, that i do not hate her for whatever actions, i do really believe that these are survival insticts for these types of people (but they sure take it to the extreme), and like i said i allowed myself to fall into it, but at the same time, and in time, i will forgive but not forget. one of life’s lessons i guess. hope this helps anyone.

  45. Dr. Sam:

    I am very intrigued about what you said about the spiritual connection. My N was a 16 month marriage right out of college. He dumped me flat for a teen-ager. That was 30 years ago. He would contact me from time to time over the years, and it always left me a wreck. He had three other wives, all dumped him, and truly died alone and broke.
    But since he died almost two years ago, I have had dreams and contact from him. Things like the radio turning on by itself. Lights dimming when I asked him to prove he was there. There’s a radio game where he tells me to go to a station, and the song is something about apologizing, realizing what you had once it was gone, waiting for me.
    Um, sooooo — I do believe in life after death. I’ve never had anything like this happen before. Gads, do you suppose an N is still an N after death? Even now, can you wonder if he’s being honest? I began praying for him when I found out he had died, knowing his after-life path would be problematic, he was so heartless to so many. So I don’t know whether, now, to cut off this contact or to think my prayers are working.

    Your thoughts?

  46. Diagnostic manuals for mental disorders acknowledge that there is significant overlap between the narcissistic personality type and other personality disorders, especially with the borderline type. I would question whether you, Dr. Sam, got the diagnosis right in every case you mention or comment upon. Like another respondant, I am concerned about the number of people whom you appear to have attracted with this type of disorder. It has been said that if you only have a hammer you see everything as a nail. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, even for psychologists.

    There is increasing evidence that personality disorders have a genetic basis which is merely “triggered” by environmental events. Unless you are aware of the physiological components of the condition you will spend a lot of time “treating” the wrong things. A Google search will turn up relevant up-to-date information in this area. I would recommend doing this.

  47. Coleen,

    I appreciate you asking me about your particular situation. I feel that your questions relate mostly to situations involving an apparent series of paranormal experiences. Even though I have worked with clients/patients who have had their own paranormal experiences, I feel that I would have to deal with a topic that would open up a potential can of worms and cause us to leave our discussion topic. Sorry.

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  48. Rosemary,

    Thanks for your input. I saw that you are a Neuropsychologist from Australia living in the USA! That’s great!

    I’m sure none of us see things clearly 100% of the time. I would say that the folks on these comments who mention their dysfunctional mates would probably be the best at diagnosing in a general way since they are right in the middle of the fire. They would know if the definitions resonate deeply in their inner core.

    As far as the genetic approach, I have talked to a good buddy and Neuropsychologist (25 years in practice) and he would concur that we cannot pin down what causes what in terms of genes and behaviors. It is still too theoretical. If there were an obesity gene the person with that gene would still have a choice to put food in his mouth. He would not be a victim. He has the wonderful power of choice.

    Thanks for contributing!

    Gave a Good Day!!!

    Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.

  49. Dr. Sam:

    Thank you so much for your respectful answer. I quite understand — and I’m so relieved you didn’t advise me that I’m a nutcase.

  50. http://amazingforums.com/forum2/LIBRAN0/170.html

    So I got triggeres this past two days and weny back to reading blogs to keep my head above water . I realozed you were giving feedback and thought -I would see what you thought of this person. R*ther than rewriting I posted the link above. (D)

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