707 Comments to
How to Spot a Narcissist

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Comments: 1 2 3 11
  1. I think parts of this article are narcissistic in itself. Perhaps the person quit talking to you after you received your PHD fell madly in love with someone else and you were just clueless. Or, Perhaps they had a realization that your lives were clearly going in other directions. Maybe they couldn’t stand your morning breath anymore.. who knows. Point is this post has a ton of very interesting information but could have done without the real life explanations of why you think people did what they did to you. A PHD is not going to stop true love, give me a break.

  2. There seems to be too much worry in the comments here. What is so bad about loving and dreaming that your are important or special in some way. Nothing is bad about that even if you don’t care about others at times because you have goals to achieve or simply don’t want to deal with people. This is a fine characteristic to have because it betters oneself. The only real issue with narcissism which is better explained through example would be people who can’t understand others emotion. This is that guy who worked all day and comes home and blames everyone else for his misfortune and that he has no respect around here. Every problem is because of others and never of himself. This is the true narcissist that people have problems with. Hope this can help people have a better understanding of what narcissism really is. The last thing we need is people not bettering themselves because of such a label. Thank you.

  3. I guess everyone has to choose a career. Psychology being one of the easiest to pass and usually the lesser paid. And I guess people choose that career doing what they do best, and psychologists/psychiatrists enjoy putting people in a box and enjoy name calling. And I would guess that started at an early age, probably brought on as to how their parents and siblings treated them, and to lash out they created names to make people feel small. Every once in a while a new list of names is published of what people ARE (some new names by the psychologist and psychiatrist community). Why can’t people just be people? And why do people have to change to suit the psychologist/psychiatrist? When words are given out to dub a person it makes other people (who are outside of the psychology/psychiatry field) dub them as well and causes pain and havoc. So another question I’d have is “why can’t the know it alls” just keep their information to themselves and not bother the community with it?

  4. Richard, Cara and anyone who commented along those lines are correct in their observations. It’s obvious that “Dr. Sam” is clueless of what being a victim of narcissistic abuse is like or rather he may be a narcissist or sociopath himself as it is not unlike narcissist/sociopaths to become mental health professionals as they immensely enjoy psychologically manipulating/abusing people. They love control.

  5. WoW this sounds just like Jennifer Stano. She even made an instagram for her unborn baby, desperate to stay in the spotlight, to get attention from people because she was getting fat (knocked up and all). How pathetic. GIRl get help ..

  6. I’m sorry. A lot that was mentioned does make sense but not completely in every aspect.. Taking this survey.. I realised there should be 2 results reflecting on a true narcisit. The one the narcisist answered them selve and maybe one who answers it for the narcisit. That person obviously very close, is or was maybe part of the narcisit live for a long time, spend a lot of time with her/him and most likely been hurt emotionaly by a narcisit. Thats my opinion. As far as I understand. True narcisist would most likely not even have read this article nor take this survey if to find answers or self help to fix a problem they think they might have, because in their mind theres nothing wrong with them .The narcisit that did read it most likely did it to point out to someone else. Because the narcisit would not think for one moment it can be them that has a problem or some personality disorder. Anyway thats my opnion.. Cheers!!

  7. This is another example of the screwed up world of psychology. When I read the article – I interpreted it as written by a narcissist. I can see the traits very clearly. The problem with psychology is it is open to ‘human’ interpretation. And that alone is VERY scary!

  8. The most detrimental thing about a narcissist, psychopath, they are enablers, who like to transfer blame. Unfortunately, weak, desperate fathers/mothers transfer their nonsense, which enables and encourages child abuse. When challenged, they always come out with the same sentence ‘Why do you always talk about the Past’, they have no comprehension of time or consequence, to do so inflicts on their domain and incites dismissal. When rebuffed they will draw in those closest to justify their behaviour, namely grandchildren, family members. Actually, by dismissing them, makes you powerful.

    • This statement was such a trigger for me: “Why do you always talk about the Past.” It is so often the place where dialogue breaks down — when I’m trying to describe patterns in his behavior that over time (15+ years) leaves me feeling weary, alone, abandoned. When I describe what I need from this marriage — I get back defensiveness and anger. It’s baffling! For years I just felt like I’m a terrible communicator — in the back of my mind I’ve been trying to figure out…”how can i say this better?” There is no saying better — he shows no interest in his children, me, or others at all. We serve a function in his life — define him and provide structure and public persona — father, husband and all around nice guy. But despite his charm and appeal, he doesn’t have a friend to call on and can’t sustain relationships in his own family (his parents and brother are the ones who reach out to him by phone) He can’t remember a holiday, birthday, or special occassion, He doesn’t bring a new idea, enthusiasm for anything, or express a desire or wish to be around us or spend time with us — yet in his words “we give his life meaning” — yeah, as long as we don’t bother him. He does only what he enjoys (thank goodness he enjoys his work IT) and to cook — but don’t make requests he doesn’t know how to make that — and don’t forget to complement the cook. I’m so ready for a change, I have no idea how to even comtemplate it! This must sound trite —

  9. After, No during, the reading of this article I was struck by the thought. “Who is writing this article and what issues are they suffering from?”

    Seriously, some of this is self glorifying bullshit.

    And that is not something I would normally say.

  10. I am baffled by this text. Over, and over, and over you are presenting yourself as a very rude, invasive, nosy person; you are asking intrusive, invasive questions about personal feelings and flaws that sound astoundingly inappropriate! And THEN you are branding people who are dismayed by your rudeness and intrusiveness as narcissist! You should never invade other people’s privacy like that, never ever.

  11. My wife of 9 years is a light narcissist.

    We have been together for 21 years… and it was hard to detect any ‘symptom’ the first 7-8 years..

    After a long period of unemployment, her mood had changed… sort of logically…. she isolates me more… I was trying to be closer to her… she was not making that much effort…

    After 10 years together I decided to break up our Relationship… to find out straight away I did not want to do that….
    very bad idea to hurt, break the heart and the trust of a narcissist…

    Well during 2 years she was more spontaneous and full of joy….
    we got married… for a couple reason, life got tough… and she closed herself again… isolated herself from me…

    I am still wondering after 9 years of mariage if she does not open up anymore to me because I hurt her badly 11 years ago, and she asnwered with her narcissist patern ?

    Any opinion or life experience to share ?

  12. Just because some people refuse to open up,mean they are narcisissts. Some get traumatized and avoid people who potentially would burn them but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them. Honestly, i think the author is narcisisst and quite vain. Is it that easy to observe from a bird’s view then conclude who those people are? Tsk tsk tsk… This is just wrong. How unfortunate that the author is surrounded with narscissists, maybe you need one to attract one.

  13. My Lord, it has taken me YEARS to finally figure out who I am married to–an extreme narcissist. My husband is the comedian–has been I guess since whatever childhood trauma sent him down the rabbit hole.
    Married 40+ years and never gave a thought to why he ALWAYS in social situations cracked jokes all the time. Yup, folks were just crazy about him, requested him to be on programs, waited with smiles on their faces whenever he was in the limelight because they knew he would deliver.
    But they didn’t know about how as an adult ed teacher, how he manipulated ,seduced and slept with some of the students that he determined to be most vulnerable to the blandishments of a “highly regarded teacher.” They didn’t know how he used his position as an administrator to demoralize and demean certain faculty while blatantly showing favoritism to ones who would show their gratitude and become lackeys. The didn’t know how he courted a divorced co-worker with love poems,letters, flowers, gifts, time as if he were an unmarried bachelor. They didn’t know how he made his wife feel like she was so insignificant that he made her feel responsible for his infidelities, but continued to see the last affair partner even after his wife discovered the cheating.
    Of course, in public, among the clueless who only saw him as that guy with the dry wit and belly-busting jokes, who seemed at times to be a person who was willing to help others, he was close to perfect.
    And I, clueless of his real nature until almost ten years ago, have now found myself still married to and living in a self-imposed purgatory until one of us leaves this world.

  14. Ha… haha… hahaha! Haha… ha. Truly awful. Education? Certainly. Experience? Zero. Its such a shame that educated minds feel the need to strongly reiterate disproven views from past – and outdated – psychologists.
    If you truly have spent several thousands learning from your supposed peers about the mind and its interactions, please – for the love of humanity – put it to use. Do not – i implore you – do not waste it on trying to make a name for yourself by dressing outdated views in modern prose.

    Its disgusting. Its insulting. And quite frankly, i imagine it is greatly beneath you.

  15. This was an incredibly good read. Hats off to the Dr. who wrote this.

    I am working toward getting phD in Psychology and found this article flawless.

  16. Certainly many women are like that nowadays.

  17. The comment that the author
    no longer structure’s his
    life around wether he is liked
    or not,was wonderful to read
    as I do not do this either,
    but this is first time I’ve
    seen it formulated into words.
    I am more healthy than I knew.
    Thank You,
    BLUEDOVE

  18. This describes my boyfriend to a “T” and puts to rest the mind games hes been laying on me. Now I have a label to put on his strange and selfish behavior. He never lets me into his thoughts but briefly explained why he can’t commit by saying he was traumatized by a young love and later traumatized by another woman and he cannot trust anyone. He has put up such a barrier that he will not allow himself to have sex with anyone but his hand. His explanation for that is that he “knocks the edge off” that way he doesn’t have to put up with the bullshit. he has questioned many times why he’s so selfish and wants to break it off with me because he says I deserve so much more saying I’m pretty I’m smart I’m talented, I’m a great person I’m a great cook I’m great this and I’m great that, but he will not be with anyone. I sent him your article not to be mean but to help him see what he is.

  19. I’m still not clear where your doctorate is from, or in what field?
    Most of your descriptions of npd are not accurate, including your assertions that it is a curable disorder. It is not, and to claim it is simply isn’t correct.
    I noticed your FL. Licensure is as a lmhc (licensed mental health counselor,) nd that you also sometimes bill yourself as a ‘psychotherapist’. Lmhc is a protected term that requires far less education and experience than a doctorate in a behavioral health field, (PhD clinical psych or PsyD.) Psychotherapist is not a protected by licensure term at all.
    To the lay person, you are doing a huge disservice by dispensing advice on a dx as severe as npd if your doctorate is in a field other than a clinical behavioral health field.Also, I see you’ve found some employment teaching at two community colleges, but that’s not where someone with a doctorate in a behavioral science field would be teaching.

  20. Thank you so much for this post.
    This has helped me realize the problems with my mother, that she is very self centered, and is a success oriented narcissist. (as all her close family had committed suicide when she was a young age. So i have a hard time blaming her.) But she has cut me out of her life totally because she fears i know what type of person she really is. Im willing to help but i have gotten no where but a big F U from her. It is obviously important to me to keep a relationship with my mother, but all the emotional abuse is taking its toll and i’m tired of it. At this point, do you believe that I should live my life without her? Do you have any recommendations?
    Thanks you again for posting this.

  21. I find that narcissism comes out in email. The entire email will be all about them. They always focus on shallow points such as ” my boyfriend gave me this and that”, and describe every bit of the item in detail.

    After sending the email, I have felt completely drained, because everything in the email is about her, and she expected me to go along with her self praising and obsessions. I don’t like to end friendships, but I’m so exhausted, that at some point I have to call the friendship quits.

    And if you don’t go along with praising them, they will give you the cold shoulder. If you ever don’t agree with them about everything, they are likely to leave you cold.

    Life can’t be spent in someome’s shadow, where you are expected to praise them 24/7 , no one can do this and stay sane.

    It comes down to having the leave the person, jyst to let all the stress go.

    They will put a knife in you ,and twist it.

  22. It sounds like quite a few people have decided to not longer befriend the author for one reason or another, and the author has chosen to label them as narcissists instead of looking at THEMSELVES as to why no one wants to be bothered with them.

  23. One of my Best friends of the past 6 or so years is a very famous celebrity. We often go through spending loads of time together to long gaps between spending those times together.
    A few things lately have pulled me to google a keyword that lead me to this page. I no longer think I can consider him one of my closest friends. Maybe a better way to sum our relationship up is by using a sentance that has the keyword “UNSAFE” in it. As I now believe this person has done the impossible, or maybe i let him achieve the impossible, which would be, he determined I was ‘unsafe’ and we went 1.5 years without seeing each other and I was actually doing a pretty good job at letting this bloke start to think maybe I am not an ‘Unsafe’ person afterall. I doubt extreme Narsass….. people would give a person two chances, especially when they are best friends with the top 5 hollywood all time earners. I achieved it though. After a few months of us constantly catching up in different cities and different countries for his work or mine, He has again given me the ‘unsafe’ label. Fair enough too because i finally realised this guy is a co*k!

    My question though is, can a extreme narsa…..ist actually have a true freindhip with someone who tells them what time of day it is?

    You know, i started to notice this personality trait of his when after a couple of years i realised he only ever replies to texts or calls if they are about him, or if they are about his reviews. If they were about me asking something, or me needing something, I did not hear squat. But when I say great review in the paper i get a quick fire text back saying “?” and then a second later one sayiung “hey man, good to hear from you……blah blah blah”.
    But hey if i have spent 5 days helping you move and supply the truck driuvers, labourers and storage and then one of my things fall through, all the sudden he thinks he can start getting stroppy with me and saying things to me like i destroyed his world.
    The other day I stopped him taking some cash and all the sudden it turned into I have ruine3d his career? WTF?? Of course this is after i provided him with attorneys for a drug charge and help getting normal again.

    Anyway, great article. You summed this up really well and answered all umy thoughts i was having. Yes a narc..a..ist expects you to do things even better than you plan on them being done and they will change your very own words to suit their arguments when they want to blow up on you.

    Eh…, Fuk em!

  24. I got a classmate who stole a genuine Microsoft operating system from ssi. everytime I tried to do something, this guy made me feel as if i’m the dumbest person in the world. he copied a code from google and shut down computers. he thought he could get away with it but because he did not understand the program,he got caught.funny thing is he had been twisting my words and accused me of things I never know.our teacher believed him and insulted me in from of all 4rth year students. after that occasion,almost all of our teachers insulted me unrighteously. I really hated that fact but then I am very fixed in my decision not to trust those teachers anymore. since i’d been with narcissistic parents,i’m used to gossips and can handle things pretty well. I don’t care what other people say anymore. my life is so colorful.karma, I believe will catch that guy in the future-sooner I know

  25. Admit your sins hypocrites

  26. As a narcissist who people are constantly trying to fix, I can only invite you do things that are unmentionable on a polite forum. It’s neither wanted, nor appreciated. Weve made it this far without you, and will continue to do so.

  27. When reading the first paragraphs of this paper, I thought it was great insight of different types of narcissism, but after reading the part when the author is pushing his friends, and in a way demand them to behave in a certain manner, this whole paper started to become like a work of horror. Especially when these friends did not comply with the requested behavior of the author, he shuts them right out and label them as text book example of narcissists – this is some scary behavior.
    So I think back on the title of this paper “How to spot a narcisst”, and I start to get the same chilly feelings I got when I watched the movie “The Sixth sense” and the boy says: “I see dead people…”
    Think I’ve spot the narcissist alright…

  28. I have been involved with a NPD boyfriend.I have read these posts and can see truth in all. One aspect that I have encountered in NPDS is that they wait.They will wait till you calm down.They will wish to be forgiven over and over and they do not accept or take responsibility.My boyfriend for over five years would blame all on me,he lied,cheated,went away with his ex but called me insecure and suspicious.They are experts at making out that you provoke them to act in the manner that they do.Unless you are very emotionally patient and have steel in your spine,I suggest freeing yourself and finding a sincere,truthful,faithful and loving partner.You know you have an extreme narcissistic partner when you are all decked out and looking elegant and a person compliments you,when the narcissistic partner stands in front of you and yells out what about me,i look good.They will exhaust you to your soul.I wish all the victims of encountering this total love and healing and hope they all get a beautiful caring new partner and wonderful role model for their children.Lots of love and blessings to all xxxx

  29. Well i suppose its ok if all these people who know a narcissist are all perfect…all l can say stop upsetting them in the first place
    Maybe a narcissist is just allergic to bullshit

  30. the narcissist is never suitable as a partner. Ive been in a relationship with a man diagnosed NPD & BP. The key issue is the rage, disassociation, blaming and constant lies.
    The lying is the worst thing to reconcile once you come to terms with how easily they lie to everybody on a daily basis. Mine has his secret online dating & pornography addiction. To the world he appears to be a clever executive with integrity & morals.
    It was a waste of my time challenging his lies, he simply raged. Nothing is his fault. He has a new partner two weeks after I’d left, he still claims to be madly in love with me, he is also grooming women online.
    They cannot develop beyond six emotionally, they refuse observations, repeat this behaviour with each new partner, even when they are aware they have NPD they do not believe they cause their own problems.
    Very dangerous people who are seeking power over you, will steal your phrases and joked, adopt your quirks to be cuter to the next victim.m

  31. there is proof in brain scan research.
    Cluster B personalities make up 15% of the population.
    Educate on them to avoid serious problems.
    They do exist Read the book evil genes, Jim Fallon is one who wrote about his life.

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