In his book, The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, psychologist John Duffy, PsyD, talks about an adolescent client named John, who’s a star football player. He’s so good that the local paper predicts that he’ll play in Division I football, and college scouts have already started contacting him.
A teenager’s dream, right? Well, unfortunately, John isn’t too keen on football. He plays the sport solely because it’s the only time his father, a famous college football player, pays attention to him. And John pines for that attention and his dad’s approval. But he also wants to quit football and pursue other interests.
Maybe you’ve felt a similar trap with your own parents: not enjoying or downright hating something you’re doing but sticking with it because it’s the only way, in your eyes, that you can connect to them.
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Truly I wish we could all have “…a few open,loving, listening interactions” with thos we love, but we all know this is real life – and it doesn’t always happen that way. Ideal – yes! Real life – not so much! I wish I could have had that with my Dad – or really, just about any interactions would have been good – but going off and doing his own thing was way more important than listning to what his kids were thinking/doing. I would have given anything to have his attention – I would probably have even joined a school club or gone out for any sport if I thought that would have helped – but, I know it would not have made any difference. There are parents, who – no matter what, have their own agenda – period. I’m not really sure if anything can / would change the situation because THAT is also real life. It’s really too bad – because living “vicariously” which translates into “I don’t give a crap who you are OR what you want, I – as the parent, know best” really hurts the children. If you are not willing to let your children be who THEY are, if you are not willing to take an active roll in healthy communication – including litening with your kids and if you are not willing to put your children first before yourself – THEN DON”T HAVE CHILDREN! YEP – it’s that simple!!
Hi Jeanne,
Sounds like a very tough relationship you suffered with your father. My relationship with my dad was similar for many years, until we connected when I was a bit older. Yes, what i describe is an ideal, and my hope is that some of us can learn from the unnecessary and often painful distance our own parents infused into their relationships with us. Sounds like you would have accepted your father living vicariously through you, as long as you would have received something from him. This should never be the case. I don’t know whether you are a parent, but if you are, I would guess your children will be very lucky people as far as having an available mother. Thanks for the very thoughtful comment.
So what should a parent do if this exercise reveals they DO have ego-driven wishes but those wishes happen to MATCH their children’s goals? For example, if Robert also wanted to go to Harvard to continue the family tradition or John loved football as much as his father did?
Likewise, how can a parent tell if their child is only interested because the parent wants them to be? I love to write, as does my daughter. I’ve always wanted to be able to write with her and now we do. But how do I know if she writes because she wants to and enjoys it or because I like it?
I LOVE your question, Jennifer. I think it often happens that children have similar interests as we do. To my thinking, this is the greatest news, something built-in that parent and child share in common. A most excellent and fortuitous circumstance.
But you’re correct. Like John in the example, we cannot always tell the exact nature of our child’s interests. So, we need to check in with them, without ego, expectation or negative consequence (no easy task, I know). Full communication – we cannot learn unless we ask. If we can pull our own egos out of the equation, we can arrive at a solution we can all live with. Thank you so much for the thoughtful question.
Great article. BUT, I first must take a stand against the blatant and dysfunctional use of the term “Ego”. Now, after reading the most of Freud’s notable works, I feel compelled to stop this. In this context, one should be using the term “Id”. If you want to see if your “Id” is getting in the way. The “Ego” which would incorporate a perspective from outside of oneself, would be able to see the world from the child’s perspective. SO, If at least you all in the psychological profession would please at least lead the way in the correct use of the terms. Thanks,
Now that said, this article underlines a lager issue. It is especially true surrounding sports. Kids in the west will do ANYTHING to get their ‘(and especially their dad’s) attention. This not only includes directed instruction to do certain tasks, but also indirect. “Indirect” can be displayed in mimicking either the parent or the parents friends. We live in a culture where men believe they put 40,50, 60 hour weeks in, and they are “entitled” to sit on the couch on Sunday and watch other grown men play games. Meanwhile their kids that they haven’t seen all week cause they were “busy putting bread on the table” are doing whatever they can to just get attention. This tradition has been passed down for so many generations that these “grown men playing games” now earn multimillion of dollars every year and Western culture watches them do it with “fanatic” type dysfunction.
Being a parent never offers you a “break” if in fact spending time playing their games, talking on their level, experiencing their world through their eyes is “work”.
You would be correct about the psychoanalytic use of the word ego if that were the context the author had been using it in. However, it wasn’t. Their use of the word ego is appropriate in this case.
I feel like I went too far the other way. I felt so much pressure from my parents growing up – I got one A- and had to explain it – my overachieving resume was incredible and I had the ulcers to prove it. So I didn’t want to do that to my kids. I get after them for missing assignments and I help them with homework, etc. but in not wanting to stress them out, sometimes I don’t push enough. ? They get average grades and they’re wonderful kids, but they sometimes feel like they’re not good enough at anything…. I know there’s a balance somewhere.
I went through this too and I think you do need to talk with them about their career prospects etc and not push them, but just make sure they know you are interested and make sure that you point out to them all their options if they don’t get good marks.
I didn’t put pressure on my kids for exactly your reason and afterwards they did say they would have liked more advice, help and participation from me as far as education was concerned.
This is very interesting. My mother has a really bad case of this to the extent that she actually is very envious if a child does something that she wasn’t able to do. If a child does this and it doesn’t work out she is full of schadenfreud.
She also fixates on the kids who are living the life that she would have liked to live and completely ignores those who are living a life that she would not like. This goes to the extent that she actually “splits” the kids, that is one has to be good at sport, the other good at art etc and weirdly the kids act this out.
This goes down to the grandkids where she fixates on one grandkid out of many, who is most like what she would have liked when she was young, and absolutely idolizes this kid and everything she does. It is really, really weird.
Not only that but if you aren’t leading a life she would like, she makes really derogatory marks.
Is this projection or is it narcisissim? And any ideas on how to deal with it. I tend to just avoid.