It’s hard enough knowing when you need to see a therapist and navigating the entire process from picking a professional to making the most of your time once you do. (Here are some tips, by the way.)
But doing this for your teen can seem outright overwhelming.
Educating yourself on the process, however, helps immensely. Below, clinical psychologist John Duffy, Psy.D, who works with teens and authored the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, discusses everything from telltale signs to see a therapist to talking to your child to making the most of therapy.
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Your call for affording “some confidentiality” might work with an eight year old. But with kids older than, say, 12? If the therapist doesn’t assure the kid that the therapist will not talk to the parents at all about the therapy, the kid will refuse to go.
I’m not sure that the “some confidentiality” thing will work, as a practical matter, in instances of elective therapy.
Of course, the therapist can set the ground rules as to how he or she works, and then the chips fall where they may. The kid may stay or the kid may leave, but at least the therapist is in charge of the therapy.
My teen’s therapist sets the rules. She provides complete confidentiality to my daughter, unless there are issues of self harm or harming others. There are times I have wanted to know more, but this is not available to me. It seems to be working well, though, and I am glad my daughter has this other adult in her life that she trusts.
Another important thing I think for parents to notice is if there is a slow decline in functioning. I think this is harder to see than a quick change. When I was a teen and asked to go to therapy my parents didn’t even realize there was a problem because the change had been so gradual. As a teen I thought I could take care of it by myself. So I didn’t tell my parents about any of the problems I was having until it got so bad that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to help myself out of my situation. However, at that point I had been suffering from depression for four years.
I took my daughter to see a psychologist and she never once opened up and was openly hostile and shut down at the same time. With the passage of time things improved and we now have a very loving, open relationship. She just didn’t want to talk to a stranger regardless of their qualifications.
I agree with Cynthia’s comment in regards to ‘some confidentiality’. Often times teens view therapist as someone seeking to ‘get info for parents’ and I have found that many teens actually bring up confidentiality. Legally they limits to confidentiality aren’t the same pre-14 years old, but the ability for sharing info with parents can still sabotage therapy. Additionally, this can be a deal breaker for future therapy as well.
As much as possible I try to provide the same level of confidentiality to a 13 year old as I would a 14 year old, and discuss with them specifically what the feel can be shared and what can’t. This is a very tricky area, particularly with so many self-harming teens, many whom don’t want parents to know. When does self-harm become too risky to not break confidentiality etc? Parents need to be told this info up front during the intake interview, if the parents are looking to use therapy for some secondary purpose, I challenge them on it then. They can always go to someone else, I want struggling kids to have a good therapy experience, and help them to become voluntary clients and have a good experience, rather than write off therapy altogether.
Elementary aged children rarely care or even even expect you to communicate with parents. Often working with parents is a key requisite for success with this age group, but often times a 12 year old can have the same issues as a 16year old, a safe environment is key for good therapy work with clients who never asked for help in the first place.
I consider teens a specialty group, given that rarely do they seek out therapy, and often times parents seem to use therapy as a pseudo-punishment, or at least its often viewed that way initially by many teens. Many teens seem to seek out ‘counsel’ via the many online sites, many which glorify things like self-harm, which I see more and more for somewhat minor mood disturbances.
I consider myself very lucky that my son asked to see a therapist at the age of seventeen. He had rightfully diagnosed himself with OCD. I would just like to add that not only it is important to find a therapist who specializes in working with teens, it is just as important to find a therapist who specializes in your child’s problem(s). My son saw a “teen” therapist for a few months, and because this therapist was not trained in the very specific therapy for OCD (ERP Therapy) my son’s condition only worsened. We really need to do our homework when looking for the right therapist!
I took my daughter to therapist hoping I would have 5 minutes alone with therapist to let them know stuff about my daughter. No alone time, so I called therapist to let her know about the throwing up food, cutting self mutilating and freaking out saying she cant look at herself breaking her mirror and more. She did not call back but she told my daughter I called. Does anyone know if this is normal and profesional? Are therapist that good that they can know this behavior is going on if teen is not telling? Does anyone know if therapy is even were she should be? I am afraid to call the therapist because my daughter freaked out on me.