For the first few months after my dad’s passing, it was really hard to talk about him and even harder to recall memories, vivid, detailed descriptions of my father and poignant times past. Because with the memories came the obvious grasp that my dad is gone. It was the very definition of bittersweet. Sure, there might be laughter and the subtle shape of a smile, but inevitably there’d also be tears and the realization that this is where the memories ended.
But as the months passed, remembering and recounting tidbits from my childhood, my dad’s sayings and jokes and other memories started doing the opposite: they started bringing me a sense of peace. Not an overwhelming wave of calm, but a small token of serenity. I also knew very well that talking about my dad meant honoring his memory and his presence in the world.
In her beautiful memoir Tolstoy and the Purple Chair: My Year of Magical Reading (stay tuned for my review!), Nina Sankovitch writes about the importance of words, stories and memories…
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I was saying. I went through something similar with my mother who passed last year. My dad passed 14 yers ago. With him it was easier to go to the happiness of memories. with my mother even though I did everything right (letting her live and die as she wanted to). Her passing weighs heavily on me. I too wrote a book. I’d be happy to send you a copy. No, this is not a marketing robot. Rather someone who understands the many gifts that come our way from such pain. If you haven’t already, I recommend you see Tree of Life. One great thing about film is that it opens you up in so many ways. I saw the movie on the 4th of July and I am still thinking on it.
I lost my mother when I was 13, over 30 years ago. Now, I volunteer at the Children’s Grief Center, which is super rewarding. Part of what we do there, part of the bereavement process, is telling the stories, creating a space for the kids to share their stories with each other and learning how to share, how to honor the memory and the life of the person who has died.
Great article… thank you for sharing. And I now have Sankovitch’s book on my wish list.