According to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of Defying Aging and many other relationship experts, playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage is harmless if proper boundaries remain intact. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a violation in one marriage might be perfectly acceptable for another couple. Difference of opinions even occur within a marriage.
For example, I know a woman who recently asked her husband to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was perfectly appropriate.
Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, “You don’t actually recognize that you’re growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you’re having a conversation, and that’s why I think it could be really seductive in some ways.”
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I travel a lot. If a man or a woman does not mention the spouse or his family in an hour of conversation, but he is married…well, there you go.
Barbara DeShong
Mysteryshrink
i would say the first 10 minutes!
I was unsettled to find that “sexting” and all other forms of cyber-sexual activity are more common than not. Not surprisingly, those involved in such activities see no problem with their behavior much like Rep. Weiner.
Additionally, I read that 80 % of men and 65 % of women happily admit they would cheat (in 3 dimensional space) if they were guaranteed not to get caught. That I was a bit unsettled by this finding makes me hopelessly old-fashioned and worse.
That said, I am prepared to “debate” any supporters of what is being hailed as an enlightened perspective on human sexuality. Remember, we were not made to be monogamous and ought just get about the business of making up for lost pleasure time.
Somehow I don’t think the previous generation would have much in common with the “80 %-65 %” enlightened generation.
It is worth noting that the NYT has been engaged in a campaign to help people recognize that monogamy has got to go; a review of Sunday’s editorial will make that clear; those involved are quite open and enthusiastic about their campaign.
Needless to say the NYT would not publish this piece because it would be considered too “quaint”.
Hooray for “quaint” articles !
My post “You Sidewinding Cheating Snake!” is dedicated to this post T…
Whoa! Did this need to be written or what? Bravo, Therese.
most men are oblivious to their wife’s feelings, they do what they want, when they want because it feels good. they will lie to cover this up. once you’re married, you come second to every other feelgood thing. you become the harpie who asks too much of them, and their gf becomes a sainty angel in times of need.
well said, sadly
Great article!
I wish there was some way to get my wife to read this. She meets all the red flags.
I am a romantic and sincere husband- we’ve been married 6 years now and I have NEVER cheated on her. I tell her everyday how important she is to me and how much I love her- anything she asks of me I’ll do…
Enter a work colleague who doesn’t know his place. She acts weird whenever she receives a text or call from him- and as far as possible- deletes the texts or hides it away. She texts him at odd hours of the night- and when we’re not together, calls him as well (I know this cos the cellular contract is in my name and I receive the itemised bill).
And when confronted- “oh its some random SMS from a business” or “its my mum”..
I love her- but this is really getting to me.
So as you can see, husbands can be the innocent ones as well who get hurt. We live in an age where Marriage vows are just words and as a no one remains faithful. The media perpetuates the “normalness” of a spouse cheating- as an accepted norm… These are sad times.
I only wish I could have read this article before it happened to me and by me…
I made a “friend” online and truely it was just someone to talk to, my husband had better things to do…(watch TV and surfing the ADULT FRIEND FINDER Site) so at night I would have a great time playing a online game…then, before I even realized it, I was looking forward to playing that stupid game and having someone to talk to…When I put 2+2 together my first thoughts was…why not my husband keeps surfing the net for women, creating accounts and emailing them like he’s the greatest lover they could want….even after he promised me he would never do it again….Promise number ummm, lets just say many…. I decided what the heck, if he can do this, then so can I…after about 6 weeks I felt so bad, I put a stop talking to him….to find that the nights are now so long, what to do with myself? after a few weeks…(7-8) I opened my account and their was a email from the said friend asking me to just be his friend….and I broke down…wish I never did, but I did….at first (2 weeks) we just talked about normal everyday stuff…then again the flirting started…and a few more weeks went by, then endded…and to be honest He really was just a time taker…someone who cared about what I had to say….and asked me everyday “how was your day…” this was what I was missing from my relationship, and I did try to tell my dear husband what it was I was missing and why I felt so a lone, he just never got it…told me I was crazy and everything was fine…But it wasn’t fine…it was so far from fine, and I couldn’t lie to myself any more. After a Emotional Affair….well you all should know what comes next…. My life didn’t change, my husband did not understand how lonely I was and how much I wanted to be paid attention to….that 1 year later a man at work, tried very hard to get me to n otice him…and I did….and he was very nice to me, understanding, and listen to me…he even repeated things back to me, that I had no idea he even pay attention to what I said….I was in wow….Now the reason this man started talking to me was he seen a pic on a local list that stated couple willing to swap… I had NO Idea this was even posted, so I keep it to myself and did alittle spy ware on the Hubby’s computer, to find out he was still searching for women to talk to or whatever on line….he said no one responded back, I guess that makes it ok? NOT! I made him that night remove my photo from the said list, and I left it alone at that point….but the Male co-worker made a point to remind me every chance he got, and to reasure me that ‘HE” would never treat me like that…. I fell hook line and sinker….and I regreat the day I ever ment this man. I never had a relationship with him, but I did cross the line. THis was the turning point for me and my husband, he broke down and in the first time in 23 years, he told me just how much I mean to him, how much he loved me and how he would do anything in life to keep me as his wife, lover and friend. He worked very hard on our relationship and kept his word to me that I would be more of a part of his world…as I opened up and gave him my heart…(at least 50% of it) well lets just say my fears of him hurting me came true again….this time it was in a email from a co-worker…he had been acting different, but I thought it was just the preasure of work, and living with me…I am demanding…I require alot of attention…so I didn’t say anything, cause I just didn’t see a reason to, I just tried to give him a little more space…to go to bed early, or to do yard work with out me being outside with him….just to let him have a little breathing space with himself…work is stressful and sometimes we all just need a long bubble bath…. this has been 5 years since the internet friend….and we had talked and we now share all internet password, facebook, everything….
well the week end of Valentines, we had phone problems at work, so he asked if I wanted to come in while they worked on the phones…it was a all weekend issue….I said “Maybe” but I did…I decided I didn’t want to just sit at home…so I came into office….well after about 7 hours I was so bord…lol and the phone guy was in my office at this point, so I sat down at hubbys computer and surfed the net….ebay, facebook, nothing going on, so I closed out and seen his opened email…and took a fast look…not looking for anything just looking….when I notice a ton of emails that was RE: to him and from him on the same line….(the same email went back and forth 16 times…that I noticed he was talking to someone online, everyday, about work and alot more….He realized that I was into his email, and asked me to get his something from store…I said sure, I was just a small step ahead of him….I forward a copy of about 12 email to my account…when I returned all the emails with her name was gone….not just gone but really gone, with no way to retreive….That night I printed a few of them and we went out for dinner, he asked me many times “whats wrong?” so I pulled out the emails and showed him…he said it was just for work that she was very diffecult to work with…and I know that is true, but NEVER NEVER put that a head of your Husband or Wife….at first he was mean to me… we had fights over stupid stuff that he would somehow blame me for…after 2 weeks of being yelled out by the man that just broke my heart again…I had enuff, I broke down and cried…he looked at me and said I wont do it again…don’t cry….and as of today I love this man more then he will ever know, I’m afraid of loving him, but I will NEVER not love him. I just hope that what he tells me is true, and that he didn’t mean anything from what he said in the letters…I can tell you that she was the chaser and she was always fishing for him to pay extra attention to her…but some of the tings that he said…well broke my heart, and I’m working on that….
So as two broken promised people….we are working harder to show each other just what we mean to each other everyday….We hug more, we kiss alot more, we appreciate each other and we have rededicated out life to each other….knowing that the internet is a deadly place for a realtionship, even a strong one…..
I hope that what I shared can help anyone who might just be in the same pickle…
Look inside your true feelings, let the mistakes go…we are human and do your best to make the right choices…ALWAYS ask yourself HOW WOULD I FEEL, IT THAT WAS ME….I’m sure you will know the correct answer…and dear dear husband if you come across this some day, I love you more then anything in mylife including myself…I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how great you are…because you really are a one in a milion….
Just as a note to everyone…
I’m not stupid, and I know you must be thinking that…heck I would if I was on the outside looking in….I have things in place that allow me to see just what I didn’t before… and I will with out one doubt send copies of the emails to her husband if I even for one second, think that they are talking, emailing, txting….or if she just simply don’t let things alone….I’m a general nice person, but give me a reason to get out my claws…and I WILL…
I love my husband, but I’m not a rug…and I will not go thru anything like this again…Like I said TO MANY TIMES…..
My husband will not share his email or Facebook password with me. I became aware of a old friend that he was calling everyday in the tune of approx 8oo minutes a month on average some more some less. This does not include whatever time he spent on email or Facebook with her. When I confronted him it was she is just a friend, well what woman wants to be friend’s with a married man and not be friend’s with his wife. A woman who is looking for her next mark. My husband to this day does not seem to understand that this was wrong. Noever once did he mention this woman to me and he totally hide the times that he called her or would tell me that he was talking to someone else. I still have a hard time trusting him with this woman. I never asked for him to stop talking to her just to use reason. I explained to him that he was spending more time with her than the family which was wrong on all levels. Things are better now though I think he still talks with her on email and Facebook just not as much. I would like for him to share his password to show that he did not talk about sex with her but I know my husband he did. Each day is a step to a better relationship. Trust I was not completely wrong I just was not paying attention to him on what he needed from me. That is my story. Thanks for reading
Blonde with Blinders, your right to ask him for his password, after everthing me and my husband have been through with the internet, and emails….I think it’s important to have each others passwords, what do you have to hide? Souldn’t be anything, right? You know anyone can make up email address and keep in touch that way also, and no one would even never even know about the accounts. Years ago, my husband put spy ware (Webwatcher) on my computers, so fair enough, I did the same to him. I will keep this on my computers for ever….It’s like the camera in the corner…keeps you honest! When you have a bad day and that little flirt chat is in the back of your mind, well so is the idea that your spouse will see it also….
The internet is a large web, that can and has ripped family’s apart… I wish you the best of luck, and I REALY hope that this women is out of your life…She’s a real piece of work….
Wow my husband does all those things your in the article, but he happen to get caught one day when i walked in the computer. He has denied everything, and has refused to talk about it. Only once has he admitted to flirting, following a female stranger at the grocery store and admitting to he did it. Also to admitting he did for companion when he would stay many late hours in the computer, getting personal female strangers. And has lied so much that i dont trust him. Even afterwards he still continued with his social sites. He now wants to brush it under the carpet like nothing happen or did nothing wrong and says he doesnt know why he did it. He even went on a site called secondlife.com and went on a sex fantasy with a female. And he was dressed as a girl too. He still continues to lie and flirt and cheat, and in denial. His done lots other stuff that he believes he did nothing wrong. He also would not gave me his passwords and is very protective of his cell and kindle book that have emails and sites. You name it even goimh through third party sites. Lots of other stuff.
I have been with my husband for 13 years. when I was in the hospital having our 2nd kid he stayed on the laptop every night we were in the hospital all night and slept all day long. Every night I asked him what he was doing on the computer and he said “Oh nothing”. when we got home from the hospital I logged onto his Facebook acct. and found over 200 messages between him and his blonde bimbo coworker. there was nothing sexual about the messages but they were definitely flirty and I could tell by the messages they had been talking a lot at work. I went on to look at the coworkers Facebook page and noticed my husband “liked” every picture of her she posted. I saw she had a boyfriend and I sent her my own message threatening to let her boyfriend know all about what I had found and threatening to kick her a** too. I confronted my husband and he admitted that he liked this girl, had been flirting with her and thought she was cute. He said that he would never cheat with her because he would have to much to lose with me and that he was just flattered that she made the first move by flirting with him and sending him the messages first. He has never done this kind of thing, infact he’s very shy. I am very sickened and heartbroken over the whole thing. I have lost all trust in him. It’s been a few months since this happened and he deleted and blocked her from Facebook. I also have someone watching them at work who tells me they barely speak to each other. But I don’t think I’ll ever get over this! It’s made me feel like I’m nothing.
Seems to happen all the time these days, I was very happy until I stumbled across some emails and texts from my partner to lets just say a few other women. I thought we shared everything and loved each other more than any other couple but he keeps repeatedly getting caught out. When he gets caught he cries/makes himself sick, its all rather guilt trippy stuff to get me to leave it and move on. I told him I would leave him if it happened again, not that I want to but I thought that would be enough of a threat to make him stop. But that threat hasn’t worked, yesterday I had to use his phone to check online how to factory reset mine as it had crashed on loading up, the Google history showed up when I started typing and there was a site for finding Russian women and it includes his email address so it was a log in screen. He said he was receiving emails from them and had to create an account so he could stop them. Said it was all innocent but I know how to stop spam mail and setting up an account with the said company isn’t one of them. I give up, I don’t like arguements, I just don’t want to be in this position I feel its still cheating and its making me a paranoid freak. Just wish it would stop.
I know I’m with a trusting man because he has allowed me access to his Facebook and email. But unfortunately he had female friends and one of which used to be his closest friend. I found a conversation that was quite disturbing and upsetting to read. I pulled him up on it but he didn’t realise he was in the wrong until the next day when I came home from work and he had set up a candle lit dinner, apologised and reassured me that he is no longer friends with her.
It happens unfortunately to the best of us and I think the most part is how he reacts when he finds out that you have found out about it. In the act, no one feels guilty but afterwards when you have thought about your actions, guilt plays a major role.
Its happening to me right now. My wife talks everyday to an outside co-worker. They usually talk between the hours of 8pm and 10pm. She does tell me they talk because he sees her as his sister! She talks about him all the time, his dreams and goals within the company. She seems to happy to be on the phone with him. He supposedly is married with kids but that never stops affairs from happening, that I can tell. Ive had thoughts of finding him or confronting her but I have also heard that could drive them closer together. Not sure what to do. I just feel lonely and stuck.
Set your boundary with what you are comfortable with and enforce it…even if it means driving them closer…odds are they are already close…again…honorable men leave married women alone and if your wife respects you, she will seek to make you feel secure…in marriage two become one…one half-completes the other…people make the mistake of thinking that security in a relationship is independent of the partner…thats bogus…and false. If you dont take action you will regret it…the first sign of cheating is usually not a sign at all…its a gut feeling that your partner has changed…dont out your hands on her or be physically threatening….but demand that it stops and have her change jobs too.
Women are more prone to have inappropriate relationships with male ‘friends.’ Early on I gave my wife an ultimatum regarding male friends. Honorable men wouldn’t pursue any kind of relationship with a married woman other than an innocent work-based association type.
I don’t believe anyone who is married, or in a long standing relationship that says they have never been attracted to someone else. At the end of the day, whether we like it or not we are mammals. I think temptation comes into relationships a lot more than people let on, but it’s what a person decides to do about it that counts. I’ve just found a rather flirtatious conversation with my husband and a co-worker on Facebook. I’m not going to say anything for now but will keep an eye on it. I am 40 and recently found out I have issues with my chromosomes which effects foetal development. We’ve been through IVF twice and lost both the babies. I have also lost both of my parents. This all happened to me in the space of 2 and half years. I’m still healing and recovering emotionally and haven’t been myself for a long time. I’m not saying that my husband’s flirtation is my fault, I’m just saying that sometimes it’s worth looking within yourself and what is going on your life outside of your relationship. We are all human at the end of the day, and no one is perfect. My husband and I always said that if two people really love each other, then they will always want to try and work things out. It’s when you stop trying that indicates that it’s just not working.