Whenever we begin a new relationship, there appears to be certain games that many people play, consciously or unconsciously. It can be maddening.

Let’s pretend a friend of mine emailed the other week excited about a new relationship that had been going on for two months. …

6 Comments to
The Games People Play in New Relationships

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  1. I am going to add another dimension to this complex issue. These unconscious reactions are sometimes only realized after causing the hurt they tried to avoid in the first place. The key here is conscious intend and direction.

    http://www.counsellingsolution.com

  2. I have found talking about how you feel usually scared them off. There is a guy I’m nuts about. We are best friends and have slept together a few time recently. But I never talk about feelings of love, only because I know he’s not ready yet. He has a few things he would have to get past before then. And he would have to be the one to open up first. I would never put myself out there like that. Done that before and just got my feelings hurt. I’d rather just enjoy the friendship rather than say something too soon and screw all of it up.

  3. For the first time in my life, I have “fallen” in love. Through my gestures I expressed my feelings for him and then finally I decided to express in words what I feel for him. Express I did and as John M. Grohol has discussed, he got terrified. He chose to avoid me and when I asked him what his thoughts are he said he didn’t have the same feelings. I know for a fact that he was lying but I could not say that to him. He is protecting himself and has probably thought about a thousand “what if” situation. Fear cripples us all and stops us from doing what our heart says. The heart is wiser than the intellect because bravery lies in the heart whereas cowardice is in the mind. Wishing all of you a fearless life.

  4. THE MAIN Reason why people are afraid of relationships is they do not have a healthy relationship within themselves. In order to be involved with someone you have to be involved with your SELF. You have to be intimate, close to who you are. You will enter fearfully into a relationship with another if you have a fear of entering a realationship with THE SELF. You have to admit your feelings, thoughts and emotions. You have to be willing and dedicated to shape your self as a positive and spirtual being. If you don’t take up these particualar steps to become intimate with THE SELF, you will always have failed relationships. It isn’t your mate’s feeling or actions,it isn’t your fellings and actions either, it’s you not being self intimate. Learning spiritual values especially meditaion will provide. Stop being afraid of your thoughts and feelings. Everyone has good in them but, we are not trained to bring it out, we are trained to deny and repress it. IF YOU AREN’T SPIRITUAL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL SUFFER WITH YOUR SELF AND OTHERS. ALSO, you increase your risk of dying young when your are not spiritual.

  5. we choose to enter or not into games,consciously or unconsciously!we invite those games into our lives every day in order to feed our child like insecurities and egos.these games we attract have different meanings for each of us and we custom design them unconsciously to form what ultimately will be the lessons thatthey will present us.once we are ready to tackle the lessons they will bring, those games in our unconscious will slap us in the face and be very present in our conscious mind. once there we can act upon them and learn from the lessons WE created them to provide us in order to grow should we be brave enough to confront them. and what tough lessons they are!happy learning.

  6. I feel games can serve a good function so long as done appropriately. For instance, if people are DEVELOPING feelings for one another, would it not be a justifiable reason to withhold expressing the feelings, in order to reduce the risk that they will not develop?

    Relationships seem to be all about giving, if you ask me… why else be in one? Both parties give consciously or sub-consciously in a relationship. When one party gets hurt, that may withdrawal the giving they have been providing because they either 1) see too much risk associated with it or 2) simply don’t care.

    During the courting process, it seems logical that (at least) one side will represent to the other side how the relationship may be. For instance, a man lavishing gifts upon a woman, whether knowingly doing it or not, is indicating that the relationship will be one where those gifts are bestowed. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that there has been an inconsistency with my own courting and the resulting relationship. The trick it seems would be to find the balance between what the relationship will most likely be, and also romantically “woo” another individual through means of personality, gifts, or gestures. Therefore, the person can be wooed, and at the same time, the sanctity of the resulting relationship will be at less risk because there wouldn’t be as much artificial effort at the beginning.

    Games are also played with one another for trust reasons. We want to know how our mate will likely interact with others in the world. We may hold back feelings for the other individual, because we realize that if we blurt them out too soon, the other person may see us as too risky, as if we wouldn’t go a day without telling someone those feelingings, when in reality it may be very rarely. The fact is, game playing can be productive, unequivocally so, because both sides get to sharpen the logic behind their social skills, and also lightly test the other individual which, which results in an increased probability of social success outside the relationship, indicating the relationship will have greater merit to the symbiotic party. At least that is how I see one aspect of game playing, I’m sure there are many reasons behind this ancient and probably productive mating ritual.

  7. It’s funny that none of the men in these scenerios have “fear” when it comes to bedding any of you. Wake up people! It’s a classic example of men wanting their cake and eating it too. Why buy the cow when he can milk it for FREE.

    If a man is too “terrified” to be in a relationship with you then he shouldn’t be having sex with you either. That tells you right there that the sex acts between you and him are just that… SEX ACTS and not ACTS OF LOVE OR AFFECTION. Sex and relationships go hand in hand unless he just sees you as a “RELEASE” or casual lay and that is not a flattering thing to be seen as.

    I was once in a brief make shift relationship where by the man pursued me for several months. We ended up sleeping together and when I asked him where we were going from here he responded with “we have to take it slow”. I equate that with, “keep sleeping with me and I’ll let you know in my own time”. That wasn’t acceptable to me so I broke it off with him and my explaination to him was “the time to take it slow is before you sleep with me, not after”. In other words, to some of you women, he will never make that decision to be with you because he already got what he was after and you gave it to him freely without any type of relationship or suggestion of it before hand.

    I’ve learned from my mistake and now I put it out there upfront and in their face and I tell any man that approaches me that I AM LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP NOT JUST A CASUAL LAY. I CAN FIND A CASUAL LAY ANYWHERE. And it’s true, I can and so can any of YOU. A woman is always in control. We control how the relationship goes. We control how much we are going to give of ourselves and of our bodies. Once we say “NO!” the game is OVER.

    If the man continues to pursue me without any intent of being serious with me, I dismiss him immediately letting him know that I am SERIOUS and not just PLAYING HARD TO GET OR HEAD GAMES.

    So far, I have been courted by suiters that are looking for more than just a casual lay and are open to being in a committed relationship with me and now it is up to ME to choose which one I CHOOSE TO BE WITH.

    Set the right expectation from the very beginning. You will get what you ask for.

  8. Just ask- straigh up: Can I fall in love with you?…Is it ok for me to love you?..Is it safe for me to… Are you ready for some one sweet in your life? or Should we keep it semi sour for a while?…do you think you can handle this____woman?…do you see yourself jumping from a_____posibly with me? fill in the blank. Just do it! be creative, most important ask the question- the question that is going to help you take it to the next level. Playing games is exshosting.

  9. In the absence of honesty, you create a tsunami of finger pointing and a mis-guided reality that can only corrode your future. Trust begins from day 1 and you see it in all aspects of the other person’s life. Do not assume they are honest with you while placating and disseminating lies to others. We are the sum of our parts – the sum of our words and actions. How can you put the full weight of your love behind one who,is honest and authentic only “part-time” . What needs a partner with.a “play book”?

  10. I read this article because I started dating a guy I’d known for a long time, and when (in the most unconditional moment of my life) I told him I loved him, he was so shook up about it that I’m still unraveling the idea that it’s not okay for me to love someone, even if they don’t love me back. I still haven’t unhooked from that experience. I understand it, somewhat. But can’t unhook from the idea that even unconditional love from me is not acceptable. After that point, every expression of myself as a happy creative person got put down in some way. It was a bad choice of a person to relate to, and I hope some day I do better. And I accept what I did or didn’t bring to the table. I guess my point is that the “games” really do preserve personal integrity. To this day I wish I hadn’t said it.

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