Mother-daughter relationships come in many different stripes. But all have one thing in common: They involve a complicated bond.
Nothing brings this to light more than the holidays — especially if your relationship has been strained and shaky.
On Mother’s Day, in particular, it can be “hard to figure out a way to honor a mom that has been difficult,” said Linda Mintle, Ph.D, marriage and family therapist and author of I Love My Mother, But…Practical Help to Get the Most Out of Your Relationship. I spoke with Mintle for my article on mother-daughter relationships. (Stay tuned!) And I wanted to share her straightforward and wise advice.
So how do you honor your mother when your relationship is thorny?
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I really needed to hear this
Thanks for this! I find myself every mother’s day (and her birthday) standing in front of the card display picking up every card and putting every card down because the cards are overflowing with mushy sentiments I cant relate to. It’s probably one of the most painful things I subject myself to every year…it’s more like torture.
This year I will simply get a blank card and fill it with my own sentiments.
Thanks, again!
I have a horrible mother. In our family’s dysfunction, I became her caregiver, talking her out of suicide roughly 4 times a year from the time I was seven until I “retired” at age 21. I truly hate her. I give her flowers and a visit from her grandsons. However, my own children are required to give me no presents–not for any occasion. I would never want them to feel compelled to give a gift to someone they hate.
You have to let go of your hate…for you to be a good mother to your children.. I have been there and I know..
I disagree with the comment that I have to let go of my hatred for my mother. My three children are all doing fine. One is a botanist; one is a high school senior who is achieving great things with music; and one is a high school junior who is outstanding in every way (from personality to grades to the way he treats others). I do not believe that you have to respect or forgive people who mistreat you. My children may disagree with some of my parenting, but they know that for me, they come first. I agree that disconnecting from a parent is best when you’ve been repeatedly abused by that parent.
Sometimes, all you can thank your parents for it the fact they didn’t let you starve…and leave out the part that the only reason they didn’t was, for the most part, so you’d be alive to do things for them.
I always swore I’d only have ONE child, so I would be sure I would never ever make the daylight/dark difference my parents did between me and my much younger sibling.
Unfortunately, I never got to have or adopt even one.
My only regret with both parents?? I waited too long/tried too long to win their respect and love.
My parents made ME wish I’d never been born!Sometimes you just have to cut the cords early, move on, and love only those who love and respect YOU.
Yes, love only those who respect and truly love you. Just because a person is your mother doesn’t mean you have to put up with her abuse year after year.
I don’t hate my mum anymore, but she still won’t accept I was abused, and she will never treat me with any respect. I do my best to ‘honour’ her as you say, but I think this article is a little tough on those of us who have suffered long-term abuse from our mums, especially the little story about the divorced parents, to many of us that would be a much happier childhood.
Sometimes it is safer for the victim to disconnect from their mums than try to fit in.
I agree, disconnect and move on, time to look after yourself. So what if she gave birth to you?! I would have rather not been born either!
Whatever happens in a “family” is for the best-in the long run.Unless you don’t “believe” in the laws of “Karma”-you accept what is coming down the pike -with detachment-Jennifer.
There isn’t a perfect mother and no such thing as a perfect relationship with your mother. It is imperative that all of us realize that mothering
wasn’t an easy task.I may be stating the obvious but abusive parents can’t expect much by way of respect in return. But how about trying
a little forgiving. We do that with our friends, why is it so difficult to do it with one’s own parent. Can’t one forgive the slights, insults and even the deeds and say “Thanks for being there” – with honesty and respect and keep both your
and your parent’s dignity intact just for one day in a year? If you see your mother as a monster even after you have moved on, what kind of a bitter mother are you going to be. Let’s all think about it, albeit for
one day.
I was a victim of vicious child abuse and neglect, so have often found the Holidays, especially Mother’s Day difficult. Still, I love my mother, but don’t respect her and don’t expect too much from her. This article was helpful.
My mom and my relationship has been extremely strained for the past year and for the last month we have not talked. I have been feeling really anxious about whether or not to send my mom a card.
Great idea to get a blank one write.. something.
I resent this holiday, with it’s commercialized, marketed sentiment that fits hardly anyone! If anything, it seems to cause more distress than joy.
I had a mom who worked very hard, but was not supportive emotionally – because of her own history. I have come to terms with it,which means that I feel bad for us,for what we didn’t have, but move on and am able to respect her for what she did provide. Feelings of grief may linger insome form, that’s normal in any grief. But they do not have to dominate your life as an adult. I do not believe that people who were seriously abused by parents owe the parents anything; perhaps they only owe themselves a kind of forgiveness so that they can move on. Understanding where that parent came from might be freeing. The demands of society for a show of emotion (on any major holiday) that doesn’t fit your inner reality is a burden! And the card business – as has been said, pick a blank one, and say what is comfortable. If Happy Mother’s Day is it, so be it.
My mother and I have a very strained relationship- very one sided. I got her a simple Happy Mothers Day card and thats that. She wants to spend the day together, but, she is such a nasty person, none of my family will spend Moms Day with me if I include her. Its a mess… she is evil and nasty to me every day… Its taken me 42 years to realize that I am worthy of respect and love and my life matters just as much as my mothers. I wont stand for her rudeness any longer and if that means she is alone on Mothers day – so be it. This is my adopted mom so I cant even say thanks for giving me life… all she has done is make my life miserable from the day she got me…. =-(
As far as being adopted and not having a real mom and being treated so bad by that mom, I’m not sure what to say. You’re 42. I’m 62 and still taking stuff from my mom including today. Today I did not let her get to me on the phone but after I hung up…oh boy,I called her a f’n b word then I’d ask God to forgive me, then I’d ask why doesn’t he take her. This verbal abuse has gone on all my life. She never wanted me. She was engaged to another man and pregnant but married a man who for so many years I thought was my real dad. Turns out my biological dad is the man who was register of deeds and his name is on both of my kids birth certificates. I think she never dealt with that fact that she didn’t want his child. I could write a book on all this including one mother’s day she said my boobs weren’t all mine and then turned around (after everyone was out the door) and felt them! I am constantly trying with her and was talking to a friend as to how to honor her. I finally decided to go on the internet and found this article. For the last 2 yrs. I have been distancing myself. It’s much better to be around her when I invite others over. May God help us all deal with these poor relationships and still protect ourselves.
and then there is the ragin alcoholic who mothered my step son. She walked out almost 4 years ago and now is contacting again and feeling sorry for herself….the last time she saw her son the cops were involved due to her drunk state…. he is 13 now and has horrible memories of her and refuses to send her a mother day card since she refuses to stop drinking…. its all very sad. He says she shouldnt be given anything from him that may make her feel good since she does nothing to make him feel good. =-(
I recommend looking at the lecture by Phillip Zimbardo on time perspective. He shows the effect of thinking of your past from a negative perspective on your current happiness. Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LDwdyIxRy0
There are some mothers who NEVER should have been parents. I never got hit but the emotional abuse was catastrophic. Leaving home was like escaping from a POW camp. We just got our father away from her (50 plus years of emotional and physical abuse) and he spent days curled up in a ball whimpering for my sibs to keep her away from him (she had caused an accident that broke his back). So on this mother’s day I will NOT be sending a card.
My mother has been dead for 7 yrs now. She was abusive to me (and only me – not my sibs) much of my childhood. As a result, I became anorexic in high school. It was a control thing. I sserted the only power I could think of – she could not make me eat. When I went away to college, it stopped, but I still had some weird behaviors that I didn’t understand. I have spent yrs. in therapy, and the mother thing was part of it. Then later in life she become alcoholic like her sister and her father. And she was in total denial til the day she died. I was angry at her and my Dad because he never did anything. Just ignored it, even letting her drive while under the influence. She was also selfish and always put her needs above ours. I sent her cards, but she never acknowledged that I too am a mother and deserved a little recognition. I stopped inviting her to spent Xmas with us because I couldn’t stand watching her drink, or the kids seeing it too. Have I forgiven her? Not sure.
somethings are just so hideous that the relationship is shattered forever. there is nothing left to forgive or talk about or fight for. You just rise up from the ashes and look after yourself