I once had an abscessed tooth, and in the absence of a dentist, I considered pulling it myself to end the intense pain. Secrets are like abscesses. They hurt when we touch them but we can’t stop touching them. When a secret is at the center of our integrity it produces excruciating pain. We long for the momentary intense pain that comes with releasing the pressure.
Each of us seeks to maintain a sense of internal integrity, while still making a positive impression on others. We are driven by a fear of being discredited. Sometimes that means keeping secrets, especially when the concealed information is sensitive. Concealment of sexual orientation requires considerable effort, constant vigilance, and behavioral self-editing. Although there is a wish to disclose the secret, the need to make a favorable impression on others often overpowers the need to disclose.
Coming out is a process of initiating forgiveness for what we or others may see as a serious mistake. Initiating forgiveness is associated with higher stress at all ages, but it is particularly complex for the mature man who has been living a heterosexual life. In the research for my book Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I found that for mature men who have sex with men (MSM), initiating forgiveness creates one of the biggest barriers to their coming out. MSM have intense stress that may worsen their physical health and lead to depression, substance abuse and suicide. MSM may or may not feel guilty about their sexual behaviors, but most are tormented by the potential consequences of revealing their lies and deception.
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Thanks so much for this article. As a gay man who spent far too many years in the closet, living the double life, the life of self-hatred and guilt and self-doubt, you are spot-on! And though I wasn’t perhaps as mature (emotionally or biologically!) as those whom you are referring to, I fear I went through similar intellectual and emotional turmoil. Alas, there is no easy rout for coming out once you’ve passed a certain point. Which is why it is so heartening to see many coming out at far more “tender” ages.
Dan, Thanks for your comment. I hear from so many men like you, and like I was before I came out, who just can’t seem to lance the abscess. Each of us who faces this difficult decision is confronted by tremendous loss, but often the losses seem larger than they are.
Living with a sense of authenticity, however, is a great reward.
Loren Olson
– Living with a sense of authenticity –
What a marvelous phrase!
And so true. Lovely way to put it. Just lovely.
And, yes, the losses, once we’ve faced them, are not nearly as all-draining as we’d first imagined.
Some of your points may be valid, but I think it’s important to note here that many of us “came out” and entered the so-called “gay community” only to find rejection, harsh judgments and shunning. Gay men only want to spend time with young, thin, attractive men, so anyone who does not fit that mold can just go away. I am an authentic man. I am a great teacher. I have no desire to identify myself as gay, since being gay has led to nothing but pain and abuse from other gay men.
That makes me very sad. But I don’t think that applies to all gay men. Because just like any other orientation, there are jerks. I hope you can find someone who loves you for more than what you appear to be.
I find your statements above interesting, and basically true. I’m 74yrs old now, have been homosexual since I was 7. I have basically lived the straight life style, except for my oral sex with a few intimate friends along the way. I was married to a woman for 35-1/2 years, she passed away in 2005. I totally was straight for the entire marriage. I have 2 daughters, they know about my homosexuality. But for the most part no one else knows. I have been tormented for most of my life feeling I am doing something very bad, and against God. I do have a Gay friend, and he did say he would normally have nothing to do with me because I was not a gay. He has nothing to do with bisexuals normally. He dearly loves older gays, and I’m 15 years older than him, and I’m his 1st sexual experience with a man. That’s why he accepts me. But like DonLakeside essentially says above, the gay community mostly wants young cute guys, there is no place for older guys like me. I might be good for a quickie, but not for anything else. So I stay pretty much in the closet. I see my gay darling friend about 2 times a year, and that’s about it. I still worry about the homosexual life being the path to Hell. My gay friend says absolutely no! He says God would never put that feeling in you as a punishment, because he is a loving God. So anyway, here I am typing this out and wondering why. Maybe it’s because I have no one to talk to about it. Anyway, I just wanted to put in my feelings about the subject. Take care you all.
John
I have been reading these comments. As I contemplate at age 43 “coming out”. My immediate family all no few close friends. But being married for 13 years being “trained” to act straight” now im divorced very attractive and have not dated a women since my divorce.Most of my family dont believe me or say im confused but do fully support and love me whatever I decide. I have known since age 8 with out a doubt. Question is how to be with someone and let work and other people not no. It would make me look like such a lier. ???? I am really sad and just refuse to date anyone.Women that like me ,just think im to “good for them” Real pretty ones to, if they only new, maybe thats what attract’s them . I ignore the most pretty women you have ever seen. Im real friendly to them but they no as we no, just bye my eye contact im not interested. If I don’t find a solution soon, I dont want to do anything stupid and am contemplatinmg just that. HELP
My partner committed suicide last August. He was 61. It was totally unexpected and devastating to me. He had been in two long-term straight marriages before we met. We were together for 3 1/2 years. They were the best years of my life. He had health problems (stroke, then congestive heart failure) but we were both making an effort to be more healthy. I think the big trigger was an ugly family battle to determine the living arrangement status of my Mom after she broke her hip last May. I still can’t believe what happened. I would think that since he finally was living the life he wanted to he would have found more reasons for living. We were going to get married in New YOrk this fall.