When I was in grad school, I was a fake, a phony, a fraud.
Or at least I felt that way — very much.
I felt like the program made some exception to accept me, that I really didn’t deserve to be there, that I wore my stupidity on my sleeve and that soon the professors and powers-that-be would find out and kick me out.
That never happened. (I actually left after receiving my Master’s to pursue writing.) But it didn’t quell my fears.
Even when I received high grades and positive feedback and praise, I still felt a gnawing discomfort that I just didn’t belong in such a smart place.
I also wasn’t the only one. My cohort and I talked regularly about feeling like our department had a made a mistake in admitting us. We worried about keeping up, regularly questioned our intelligence and abilities and felt insecure all-around.
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Wow…I got my MA 19 years ago…and to this day, I think that they admitted me so that they fulfilled the “single parent” status for their records.
At age 58, I still don’t feel smart. I seem to focus on what I don’t know instead of how much I do know. It makes sense on one hand; I was told how stupid I was, as a child. BUT, I’m smart enough to know that, that was my mother’s issue, not mine. Does it ever end? Thank you for the blog, Margarita.
Totally identified with the description. Actually I was diagnosed with this by a therapist. Nothing really helps me overcome the feeling of being “way out of my league”, which is most intense at work meetings (I hold a directive job) and often I’ll develop a fight or flight response, which impairs my social skills in those situations. I am not aware that I set low expectations for myself, which is not to say that I don’t. I am usually told by friends that my expectations are way too high and that I am a perfectionist. Interesting article.
Feeling like a fake? What’s new for mental health professionals, especially those professionals in the early years of practice after grad school? Look…So many folks in society at large still think that psychotherapy in general is “fake” and let’s face it, there was no way that any scientist could agree with say, Freud or his successors. How could their theory be tested? It just wasn’t “scientific.” Perhaps the sense of being phony/fake is simply a part of choosing to enter this field and needs to be accepted as a natural consequence. I wonder how many carpenters or engineers for example would describe the same feelings regarding their professional expertise/value? And, too, from my perspective (I’m retired)so frequently I really didn’t see that anything I offered was helpful for many, many clients. No tangible product, nothing to point to and say, “I accomplished that” can easily produce such feelings. I was always more worried when students didn’t question their value.
What a shame that professionals in our field pathologize this, but teaches us to normalize such stuff for our clients!
-mm-
I think perfectionism is often a part of the Imposter Complex, and addressing that is usually very helpful to my clients.
Also, the concepts of Fixed and Growth mindsets can be very useful in moving forward from feeling like a fake.
This article truly did hit home. I’ve never heard of it but I’ve experienced it for several years. I have ADHD so I didn’t do well in school prior to college as it’s hard for me to focus or recall vital information. I’m in a counseling graduate program and I’m due to begin my practicum in a few short months. I fear that I will be “found out” then, that I am not efficient enough to be a good counselor and help others. It’s actually beneficial to me to read this and know I don’t suffer alone and that this is something that is well known.
I experience this, but it has gotten better since I had children (it is now obvious to me that my parents didn’t know what they were doing either and I didn’t catch on), and by reminding myself that even the most competent and capable person in the room often feels like an imposter when taking on new responsibilities.