PBS/This Emotional Life is hosting a webinar in two weeks about the internet’s impact on relationships and marriage, in particular. As a panelist on the webinar, I wanted to explore this issue a bit with my readers so that I can offer your viewpoints in addition to my two cents.
Here’s my honest opinion, after reading hundreds of comments and emails from people who have been involved in online relationships or emotional affairs as well as the responses on the discussion boards of the Emotional Affairs support group on Beliefnet’s community site:
Although the internet and social media can foster intimacy in a marriage, it seems to do more harm than good. Of all the comments I’ve read, 90 percent of the opposite-sex relationships that were damaging to the marriage happened online.
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.
Post a Comment:
Copyright © 1995-2013 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Site last updated: 19 Jun 2013
|
I certainly believe it contributes to damaging relationships. I’ve seen it first hand. Spouse justifies why this female is his friend even though they have nothing in common and he has no interest in sharing any information about said female to his spouse. Or he emails other women online and then immediately delete the correspondence just in case the wife happens to log on to his account. Or he reconnects with ex’s and then justifies why it’s only a “friendship” and there is nothing romantic happening. The same can happen with a woman (not just a mans problem). But I believe people allow these vices to distract them from their real marriage, especially if they are going through a rough patch. It’s the easy way out.
This is a VERY true description of how things can “come about” in an internet relationship between two people of the opposite sex. It certainly happened that way with my husband and his ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. They have absolutely NOTHING in common, to include belief systems, religion, politics, or types of entertainment. She was even very overweight and unattractive, but it almost led to our divorce. They just started talking on facebook about a college reunion that was coming up, and then it progressed into flirting and finally a cyber/telephone affair. They both ended up telling each other they loved each other and had for all these years. They planned to meet up with each other twice. Once for dinner and the next was for sex. Thankfully, he stopped short of the sex and told her he just couldn’t. She became angry and contacted me and exposed everything between them. My husband cried and said he didn’t know how it ever happened. It went against everything he believed in. He says he knew her as a young adult in college, but realizes now, he doesn’t even know her, anymore. They are in the 50′s. He realizes that 30 years ago was a long time and life experiences have taken them both in different directions. They don’t agree or think like each other on deeper levels about moral behavior, etc. Something innocent got out of control VERY quickly and nearly destroyed our family. My husband’s self-confidence and self-esteem has hit rock bottom. He is now full of self-loathing for his mistake.
It’s a cultural issue.
As someone that doesn’t come from an Anglo culture, and married to a woman who isn’t either, our ideas of the level of a relationship a married person can have with someone of the same gender is far different than what I’ve seen in the US, which I’d consider draconian. In fact, most of the people I am good friends with are women, some of which I deal with mostly online, and some I deal mostly offline. I am pretty certain that without them, there were a few occasion where I would have divorced, because for one reason or another, my wife was emotionally unavailable for long periods of time. In my culture, being married doesn’t mean one has to have a single source of affection.
Now, that doesn’t mean one doesn’t have to be careful, and one has to be transparent in their dealings with others: The amount of communication, and the topics of communication with friends are disclosed. My female friends know I have no plans for romance, and that if at any time they get the wrong ideas, I have no problem if they walk away, as I’d not want them hurt.
The problems people have come from what I’d consider a ridiculous level of possessiveness, and the inability to be honest.
It’s neutral. It’s like anything else that can be used for good, or for evil. It all has to do with the hands and mindset of those who log on. For many marriages, the Internet has been a Godsend. Look at the soldiers posted overseas who can communicate with their families back home. For others, it’s a pipeline to emotional affairs and more.
Again: the Internet is neutral. People are not.
It is a good source for individuals who are separated from loved ones, for reasons beyond their control, such as the military or business trips, etc. However, an individual definitely needs to be mature enough and vigilant enough to be aware of the possibility of things getting out of control when talking to a person of the opposite sex.
I do not think this is a very serious problem. From the moment you trust your partner, you will have to rely both offline and online.
This is a very serious problem. Look at all the statistics of relationships torn apart. It may not be a problem for some people, but it is increasingly becoming a source for infidelity and the breakup of marriages and serious relationships. Later, many times, the individuals having the internet relationship realize they don’t even “like” each other….but it’s too late…their relationship with their significant other is ruined.
This is the BEST article I have read about these issues. You hit everything right on!
If it’s a problem, it may well be being driven by women more than by men. The latest information shows that women are by far the majority users of the Internet:
http://techcrunch.com/2011/03/20/why-women-rule-the-internet/
To wit, for example, on Facebook…
“Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, has talked about how women are not only the majority of its users, but drive 62% of activity in terms of messages, updates and comments, and 71% of the daily fan activity. Women have 8% more Facebook friends on average than men, and spend more time on the site.”
i dont think it does if u really love ur husband or wife then no other man or woman will get in the way
That still doesn’t address my main concern about marriage: http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/why-dont-you-get-married/
It’s absolutely true!
(But not a good enough reason for me… I did it despite that…
)
Thanks for the focus on Facebook’s impact on marriages. We noticed you used the “1 in 5 divorces involve Facebook” stat. The “stats” around this issue have gotten so loose and messy that we investigated the 14-month history of this stat and put the findings on our blog, Techlationships.com. We encourage you to read “Debunking the 1-in-5 Divorces Linked to Facebook Stat” at http://bit.ly/1in5FB and maybe do a story on it.
BTW, 2 days after our blog post, the Wall Street Journal did an article on it as well validating our findings.
Let us know if you have any questions! K Jason and Kelli Krafsky (The Social Media Couple/Co-Authors of “Facebook and Your Marriage”)
Thanks, K Jason and Kelli. I just checked out your post and the Wall Street Journal. Will follow up my article with another and mention your research. t
As far as I an see, the only problem is in not being clear on your commitment to your marriage.
I am a female mathematician. I spend my professional life surrounded by men. And I make friends with them. My 20 year marriage is doing just fine. The trick is being clear with yourself your friends, and your spouse about exactly where your boundaries are. I don’t delete emails from my male friends. I don’t say anything I would be embarrassed to be caught at.
Similarily, my husband works in a female-dominated environment. Thinking about it among his friends, females outnumber males 2 to 1. I know his female friends. I have coffee with them. A few of them visited the last time I was hospitalized. I don’t see a problem.
Net relationships open our eyes to the problems we have in our marriages. Sometimes this knowledge creates the framework for working on these problems and creating better relationships with our partners. More often insecurities and a lack of communication turn the net relationship into more than it is, and it causes problems.
At the end of the day, if you want to be with your spouse, no amount of internet intimacy is going to cause you to leave home. If you have doubts, however, or problems, net relationships can shake your marriage to it’s foundation.
I’m sort of split between thinking that net relationships are damaging in a good way and a bad way. Yes, they destroy marriages….but they destroy BAD marriages. Personally, I’d rather not see people live in bad marriages.
You said it yourself here: Disconnect and mental illness: The internet can definitely cause disconnect, but I believe it may speed up the breaking up of unhappy marriages and might cause some gullible people to be lured away by internet lovers. The majority are probably what you said: mentally ill/and/or those with personality disorder, such as narcissism. I knew that my husband was chatting online to strangers/women in other states but was shocked to finally catch him in some sort of romance with his ex wife online. We had been married 20 years and he had never communicated much with her by phone or in person. Their two sons were grown, so it was nothing concerning any kids. Neither one had enough respect to ever tell me just what was going on either. We stayed together and she was sort of stalking me for a few years afterwards, but it ruined my trust in him. Judging from both their behaviors over the years, I’d say they are both suffering from personality disorder. I wish I’d left him at that time, because I wasted the younger more productive years of my life. The internet can actually help and expose narcissists who might not have been caught otherwise, and kept on fooling their spouse. Normal well adjusted people either man up and end their unhappy marriage or don’t give in to temptation, but do the right thing.
There is no doubt that lookiing at porn has an impact on the marriage. It affects both parties, the man and the woman. It changes the way men look at women and the way that women view themselves. Porn is like any other drug and can become addictive.