It’s been awhile since I covered the topic of compulsive hoarding, because the last time I did I posted photos of my nut collection and book pile, and the next thing I know I was contacted by Discovery Disney to be fixed on some hoarding special show. Seems like that’s kind of a pattern, now that I think about it. I go public with my stuff … I get invited onto shows!
Well, anyway, I was reading an article in the Fall 2007 issue of The Johns Hopkins Depression & Anxiety Bulletin — an interview with Gerald Nestadt, M.D., M.P.H, Director of the Johns Hopkins Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Clinic and Jack Samuels, Ph.D., an assistant professor with a joint appointment in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and the Department of Mental Health at the Bloomberg School of Public Health at Johns Hopkins. Wow. That’s a lot of school.
I found out that, even though most folks lump compulsive hoarding into the same illness umbrella as obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarders actually have different brains. The brain-imaging research shows that people with compulsive hoarding have distinct abnormalities in brain function compared to people with non-hoarding OCD and those with no psychiatric problem.
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These tips are terrific for most people and even for people who THINK they are hoarders. But people who are truly hoarders will not be able to follow these “tips” without intensive therapies, be they medicinal or psychological or both or whatever. They will take each of these rules and twist them to their way of thinking in a way that will make your mind reel. They wear you down completely. But as you point out, it is so true that the hoarding is entwined with other serious psychological issues as well. And believe me, the hoarders’ behavior leads to psychological issues for their loved ones too. Trust me.
I do trust you, Maria. Your story is all too familiar because you could be describing a friend of mine. I told her once that she could get Dr. Phil(McGraw)to drink on national TV because she would be such a challenge to work with. We both laughed, but I am serious. – Any thoughts as to how I can get her into therapy would be appreciated. I refuse to help clean up her place unless she takes steps on her own to address the underlying roots of her problem.
Maria, you are entirely correct!
Maria…you are bang on! I live with a hoarder and my life has become a whirlwind of deceit. There’s always an excuse and a reason for the “stuff”. I offer to help, to no avail. Should I touch a piece of paper (from 1812) and offer to throw it out she responds with anger and frustration, than her STRESS sets in and I have to walk out or shut down.
There are clothes from 1980 in closets, newer clothes piled in rooms or hanging on racks. She has occupied three rooms in our house with magazines, clothes, books, newspaper clippings…not to mention duplicate household items and unopened packages stored in our finished basement. She keeps buying because she can’t remember what she already has…sometimes she won’t even go look (I think she’s embarrassed by having to search for it -just in case she can’t find it in the mess).
Our garage has become a dumping ground for other “things” that she will “deal with later”. We also rent a storage locker for more stuff…stuff that she hasn’t looked at in forever. I have put up with years of empty promises. Every date that she has promised, “I will get it done by…”, I threaten to leave if it’s not. I don’t know why I bother, it’s now become a pattern. She promises, I threaten, and nothing changes. Love is blind and I’m still here.
I pleaded for several years for respect of my space and our shared space i.e. kitchen, family room, dining room and our bedroom. When I notice stuff piling up in these rooms I have no choice but to react with anger, yelling, and most often tears. (We had two guest bedrooms, they have now become dumping rooms for her stuff.) She reluctantly moves the “stuff” to one of her three dumping rooms. Honestly, I never thought I would have to respond in this manner. I believe it hurts her to see me this way but the “hoarding disorder” is bigger than the both of us.
I do know that she’s aware of what’s happening. A good thing, I think. On several occasions she’ll say things like, “I can’t stand it anymore – I can’t find anything” or “I have to get rid of all that stuff, it’s starting to drive me crazy”. Perhaps she says those things to appease me. Saddens me to think if that’s true.
My heart is broken and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that her hoarding will eventually lead to our separation.
I experience a similar situation. I spend hours every week de-cluttering my husband’s stuff…just enough so I can relax in some areas of our home. I have given up on the garage, the entire downstairs, which includes the laundry room, I concede to the expense of off site storage units, I have unearthed mushrooms growing under his piles, I endure the daily stress of him frantically looking for things, then going out to buy a new one (or 3) because he could not find the one(s) he already has…etc etc. It is a sad, and ultimately unsustainable situation. I manage to cope, live my own good life, more out of the home than in…I keep a separate bedroom, and well…life goes on for now…but just like addiction, the hoarding will drive me away eventually.
Some of these tips are good. But honestly, I don’t know that others even work for “normal” people. Seriously, who discards something every time they by a new something? Hey, I got a new game, now go throw away a game? I got the hiking shoes I’ve always wanted because I am hiking a lot now….hmmm, what can I throw away now since I didn’t have hiking shoes to begin with?
Who discards stuff they have not used for more than a year (especially when it comes to holiday things that only get used once a year anyway…and might not be put out one year for various reasons). I have a propane heater that I use rarely, but when I do use it I am so glad I have it (as are the other folks who share the heat, since I normally use this heater for group events).
That said, I have to totally agree that any real hoarder is not going to benefit from pop-psychology tips like this. But at the same time, I disagree that intensive professional therapy is required in every case. I am a hoarder, but I do not need to see a doctor. I deal with it my making up my mind and going through the difficult process of throwing stuff out.
There are GREAT suggestions, processes, tips, and resources that can help a hoarder who has determined to change. All without shelling out big bucks for psychology (now, some people do need to go that route).
I wish the good stuff was easier to find. I sometimes think doctors throw out this pop-psychology junk as a way of pulling people in to their money machines. Tips that cannot possibly be of any real help, but that always end with “go see a professional therapist”.
Great article highlighting the differences between hoarding for a large portion of those affected and hoarding behaviors within OCD. My mother is a recovering hoarder, and the biggest part of staying in a good place for her is moment-by-moment decision making AND asking for and receiving help.
I no longer expect her place to be perfect; I don’t even expect it to be what I would want in my home. I do expect her to ask for help when she needs it. I expect myself to be open and to have a soft heart when I work with her!
Very excited to have learned that non-professionals may be able to lead treatment assistance successfully!
I am a compulsive hoarder, and I find your tips helpful. I do have trouble with carrying them out though. Some days I feel ruthless and I can do it. but other days I don;t want to part with anything.
Your tip regarding one small area at a time is a good one, and this is the key. When I think about it all it is overwhelming – especially with my anxiety disorder…. but if I take each small area at a time I feel like I am getting somewhere.
My home if full now. I have nowhere to sort all the “excess” stuff to. I go through old boxes of stuff & chuck stuff out, and then put all the leftover stuff into a smaller box (and them even combine some of the sorted boxes to a larger box) – I get rid of 50% of my crap. However, I still have that leftover 50% of stuff that I cannot part with as it is usually linked to finance or memories.
And the cycle goes on.
I empathise with other Hoarders, and I hope that ne day we can work through it all & live like “normal” people…
I was so struck with your reply. It sounds so overwhelming AND lonely. Perhaps if you were able to get a friend or family member to help, it wouldn’t be so painful. Also, there are professional “organizers” who specialize in helping to make the “go – no go” decisions through conversations. Sounds like you need to have a friendly conversation with yourself . ..
I am a friend of a hoarder. Its been 10 months of baby steps. Any family or friend willing to take this task on is one heck of a strong person. Not me, I fight with him. I don’t truely understand the finance or memory when it clutters the home and makes it gross. We are in the process of tag sale to help him financially. And its true, go through a little at a time. Going back over it a few times until they are ready to say garbage
My daughter is autistic, is 35 years old and is a hoarder. She was a neat freak as a child, then had a nervous breakdown in her 20′s and now her bedroom is full of way too much stuff. Shopping became her favorite pastime because it gave her such a lift. But she acquired way too many things and it’s out of control. She also hoards junk food. Her room smells and she has bags of half eaten food in there. I have gone in and decluttered but she gets really mad and it starts all over again. I have cut the shopping trips down and this is now under control except for the purchasing of junk food. She is doing great in all other areas of her life and I want to help her. How should I approach this problem?
I operate a junk removal service and have helped many customers with hoarding issues. I have had experiences where the person will let me take select items during each visit and over a period of a month or so it will have made a really big impact. One gentleman had me visit every day for about a month and when it was all said and done his garage was almost empty. I treated the items I removed with care regardless of the condition just like he did and it really took the edge off his anxiety.
Fred,
How do I find someone like you in the area my friend lives in? It seems such a great idea to have someone with a truck there to help out!
Okay I am a hoarder. I have a brother and his wife that are wanting to help me. They wont me gone all day while they get rid of everything. That made my walls go up instantly. Both of them ganged upon me and I went into fight or flight mode. Now they are really made at me. I can’t just let them do whatever they want to in my house. But they do not want me there at all. They said this will solve my problems. But it will make it worse for me. What to do? How to cope?
I would tell them that you have a clinical problem that their solution will only worsen, then give them this article and any others you find helpful. Then get into counseling, for your own good! You rock and you can do this!!!
I am a house cleaner by profession and one of my clients is a hoarder.
The tips would not work for her. She gets really defensive when I offer her any tips.
I suggested that she get rid of items when she brings new items in. That didn’t go over well at all!
I have tried appealing to her that if she donated things that she is not using that someone would be really blessed.
Tough luck!
I have been working with her for nearly two years and recently some of her family members have moved in with her along with all of their stuff.
It makes my job very difficult.
Thanks for your article though because it helps me to understand.
The show “Hoarders” was a huge help to me. It helped me to see that she actually has a mental illness.
I sympathize with you. My friend who is a hoarder has a housekeeper who has to try to clean around all her junk and follow all her insane rules about her how to handle her stuff. It really is an illness, and the best you can do is be supportive. You probably can’t change her.
I am on my way to being a licensed therapist. That’s not to say I do not still struggle with wanting those who cannot or will not help themselves. Thus the situation with my roommate. She is getting to be a hoarder and I just don’t know how to help. Fortunately for me it is confined to her room as I am borderline OCD when it comes to keeping the common areas clean. She set out last to clean her room last weekend, got so far as taking clothes out, trash bags, and doing laundry. By Sunday she had given up and piled everything back in her room. I have noticed signs and symptoms of depression, but will admit I’m not very good at confrontation to get to the point of discussing the issues. I need help on how to best do this.
My father is a chronic hoarder, as was his mother. To offer some examples, on four separate occasions in my lifetime there have been rusted shells of cars in the garden with plants growing in them, and there is even a main bedroom in the house that is wall-to-wall with furniture and junk, which we refer to as “the back room.” Slowly all the rooms in the house are starting to take on this quality. He “retired” in his 40′s after what appeared to be some kind of nervous breakdown, but remains undiagnosed as do all of his psychological issues. My mother worked hard to support our family of four and 20 years later she is still the sole bread-winner and the situation has only deteriorated. I moved out several years ago and successfully got on with my life after spending my teens having screaming matches. My brother is younger and still lives at home, but he’s almost become indifferent, just biding his time until he is financially independent (can’t blame him.) The problem is my parents are getting older, the house is literally falling apart around them and I fear for their health and security, never mind my mother’s state of mind once we have both left the nest, as she is the victim in all of this. She spent years engaging in conflict too, when trying to offer help didn’t work, and she now lives in quiet acceptance and denial, as the stress of it took too much of a toll on her. My dad spends his days pottering around, and each day the smallest task becomes a higher mountain for him to climb. If anyone can offer some advice on how to cope and deal with this situation I am all ears! Please help!!
Help, my hands are tied. The hoarder is my 80 yr old grandmother. My father is the only one that she will allow in the house and he is doing the best he can to make her house livable but he does not understand that it is not going to help if she doesn’t get mental help. All he is doing is giving her the attention that she craves. It is causing huge problems between my parents and now even between my husband and myself.
I don’t know where to start or what to do.
It was that easy to get on the show? dang well those hoarding shows really do bring out the “true” hoarder. I wonder if the people pay to be on the show or if the person has to pay for the removal
I realised that I was a hoarder, when I ended up with a whole load of ‘stuff’ that I had bought and brought into the house that I never used,wore or even got out of the box. I hadn’t thrown anything away for ages – even old household equipement that had been replaced – I had 4 vacuum cleaners in the loft, 6 irons and lots of broken kettles. Clothes, shoes and all sorts of nick nacks, bought at craft fairs and junk shops. I had a room full of books, stacked all over the place. I knew that it was getting out of hand, and having seen a fly on the wall programme on UK TV about people who are hoarders scared the life out of me – I knew where I was heading! The actual process of ‘getting rid of stuff’ was not as hard as I thought it would be – I truly believed that my hoarding habit was a fear of ‘losing things and people’. My husband died a few years ago, the kids are all grown up and moved away, one lives abroad and the others have very busy lives – so whatever I bought or held onto would stay! I had an absolute field day sorting stuff out! bags and bags of stuff went to OXFAM, some of it never even worn! The books all went to charity shops – not all of them but I had so many! Sorting out the kitchen cupboards was amazing! I found tins with 2003 on the top!!! I had so much cleaning stuff, I could have started my own cleaning company!
It was hard at times – but now I feel so much better! I still have to stop myself – so it is not all that simple – I will never be perfect – and I don’t want to live in a stark ‘unlived’ in house – but now that the house is clear and ‘interesting’ I can have friends over – I have a much better life – and I no longer have to apologise for the ‘mess’. It is really hard to take those first steps – but much better if you can start to do it by yourself. You can get others to help later, when you feel more in charge of what goes and what stays . Try piling up the ‘to go’ things yourself. I even ended up with friends wanting me to keep stuff I had put on the ‘to go’ pile!!
Over the Pond, thank you for sharing something so positive and encouraging–I wish your story were my story, or would become my story. Some days I feel I can overcome, and on SOME days I actually DO make visible, tangible progress and feel a real sense of hope that I can actually get free (those days are wonderful). But in all honesty, I can see that my hoarding problem is progressively getting worse, along with my physical and emotional ability to conquer the mess. I WANT to be free–desperately. But the evidence says otherwise. I guess that’s why there’s so much emphasis on hoarders needing SERIOUS help. Maybe this analogy would apply: you were a problem drinker and made a serious decision to rise above, and did. I’m an alcoholic who also seriously wants to rise above, and there’s no AA in sight.
i have met a new friend few monthes ago .. shes just told me shes a hoarder , she actually asked me to help . which i will dobut iam very wary of doing it wrong ,, but to me shes got through the first stage by asking .. i have been watching the programs .. but iam no professional .
I was recently told to watch a TV programme about hoarders…and instantly recognised myself as one even though I had never considered it as a problem before now! I can easily help other people to declutter and have done so on many occassions but now I realise that I just end up hanging onto alot of their stuff too!
I had a traumatic childhood which continued through into my 40′s. I have moved house over 50 times and have managed to move alot of my ‘stuff’ each time and accumulate more as I go.
I recently met a fantastic man and am hoping to settle down and ‘unpack my bags’. It is happening slowly but I find that when I am under pressure I fall back into clutter mode again. I seem to be either extreemly organised with everything colour coded and neat…or totally opposite and the rooms look like a bomb has exploded!
Glad to know that there are deeper reasons for this but need to find out where I can get help.
50 yr old male & a hoarder. It seems I sometimes enjoy a “mess” but most of the time I feel guily & ashamed even though no one knows how filthy my home is. When I visit other people’s houses reality sets in and I almost have an anxiety attack. My clothes and body are perfectly clean as is my vehicle. I guess my home is my “dirty little secret”. You would never have a clue about my home if you met me in public. This lifestyle is about to get the best of me since it feels ovwerwhelming. I have no clue where to start…..
Psychiatrist or psycologist?
From personal experience in working with true hoarders, none of the above tips are doable without professional help. It is best the hoarder is not there when the cleanup happens. And then continued professional help upon return to a cleaned out space is absolutely necessary. A fresh, clean start is terribly stressful and difficult for a hoarder, but it is the only way there can ever be hope for a better life.
I am currently dealing with a hoarder, and I found that there is absolutely no way to get her to downsize her pile of “treasures”. This person is actually living in filth, I mean downright health hazard biological suicide in a house. Yet every item is either labeled “precious”, “Semi-precious”, “heirloom”, or “antique”. And any attempt to try to obtain an item is a foolish move, because if you ask for it, it somehow makes it valuable, and if you offer to buy it, look out….even though it belongs in the trash can she will now guard it with her life.
I have finally learned, after being driven to the point of madness! As a professional organizer, I have a friend who I have finally discovered is at level 5, the worst, as being a professional hoarder. She refers to herself as a slob, but over many years of trying to help, and seeing a number of her friends throw up their hands and literally walk out of her life, never to be seen again, I too have done the same thing. I am very compassionate and caring, however, she is getting worse, is living with dead animals in baggies, and animal feces and urine saturating every room in her home. The smell is too much for me and toxic at best. When I have tried to help, I have been yelled out, scolded, told don’t touch that!!! at the top of lungs, and with no success, except for getting my blood pressure through the roof and being abuse, I have finally learned! For my own sanity, I have left. She still calls and asks me to “help her”, which translates into my being in her presence only to be reprimanded, abused and told we can’t get rid of that because…he entire!!! life is total chaos!!! Her beautiful home, or it used to be, her computer has major issues, her nice vehicle smells and looks like a dumpster, garbage filling it, yard is ready to be dealt with by neighborhood association, phone has issues, e mail is full, voice mail is full. It is sad, however, the icing on the cake is she was a psych nurse. She calls me to seek how my job is going only to ask every detail, from what did you do, how many customers did you wait on today, what did they say, what did you say, and the other day, the final straw, was “can I come to your work and watch you work”, this I consider stalking, I made an excuse, she finished our conversation in a huff. She truly has issues, too big for me and she does not see anything wrong with any of this behavior. She saw someone in public smoking the other day and was yelling that SHE should!!! go talk to them and tell them exactly why they should not be smoking, etc. etc. etc. I had to almost physically hold her back. At a public store recently, she was yelling she could do a better job, obviously the workers had no idea how to do their job and she was going to tell them exactly that. This person has truly gone over the edge, but it all ties to her life of constant chaos, from her “hoarding” way of life, a busy body personality to the point of getting her arrested (almost), to everyone in her life, not walking out of it but running! I will pray for her, but trust me folks, I have done a lot of research into “hoarding” and it’s not just a room or a home, but the yard, the vehicles, the people surrounding these people and total strangers. And then they, get upset and VERY!!!!! frighteningly angry when people like me start saying no!!! So sad, brain problems or not, this is really scary! And yes, they can be abusive. I will pray!!
First of all, I am very indecisive and to tell me to make decisions about the mail immediately when I get home is very stressful for me. I need to look at it, think about where to put it, ask myself: is it of value to me now, will it be of value to me later, and where can I put my bills so that i can find them later on when I have money in my account. Out of sight is out of mind for me…
What if I decide to throw something away and I need it later on? I will be so upset with myself! See I told you I couldn’t do it!
Well, I don’t have time to think about all this mail right now so I will put it in a pile on the table. We will need to use the table later on so certainly I will clean it up later today. There is never time later today…
I also would like to avoid doing something so very painful, by leaving my home to help other people! I also have a lot of work that I do at home every day. And I relax by playing a few games on my iphone…
I also have no idea how to organize things so that I can find them again…
And don’t tell me to throw things out if I haven’t used them in a year! I have had things that I have saved for 10 years, that I finally have been able to put to use!
Besides when you tell me to get rid of things, you are telling me that the things I so carefully have collected are of no value and therefore the way I think and the way that I live and the things that are important to me are of no value. Therefore, I am not of any value to you either!
I have way to much stuff and don’t know how to make the decisions of what to give away. My sister-in-law refuses to help me any more. She asks: Why is this time going to be any different? I have no answer for her…
Indeed, it might be valuable to distinguish between a compulsive, out-of-control hoarder (such as those seen on some reality TV shows), and a less extreme version. Many of us either are or know someone who hoards “a little bit,” and for those who just can’t seem to throw anything away, these tips may be helpful.
Hoarders always have excuses and will nearly always have excuses to defend keeping something. That’s a part of the problem, is that in their mind, keeping a newspaper from 5 years ago of no particular personal value to them is reasonable. You can’t argue with someone being irrational about a topic from a rational perspective (it nearly never works). That kind of person often could benefit from professional intervention.
I am not a hoarder, but one of my close friends as, and a couple family members are. The tips are good for those with ordinarly clutter, and with mild hoarding symptoms. (And personally, I don’t think the “get rid of it if you haven’t used it in a year” tip is not very useful. I have art projects that I had not touched in 3-4 years, which I had time to finish this year.) The amount of time you have owned something is not necessarily an indicator of its usefulness.
I watch my friend compulsively shop, save useless things (she recently had a panic attack because her spouse threw away some old newspapers), and all that she brings into the house gets dumped somewhere so the house is not very livable.
She has difficulty putting things away because of severe OCD – it has to be put away “perfectly” or she won’t do it. The tips here work for someone who has insight into their hoarding, and who does not have a severe emotional response to parting with useless things, etc. For many it is a true disorder, not a set of habits to be remedied by following some de-cluttering and organizing tips.
I have a co-worker who has admitted she is a hoarder. She asked her fellow workers to come and help her clean out her house because she was facing eviction. When we went to her home, we were astonished at what we saw. She had one path through her living room, and nowhere to sit, etc. The garbage was at least 4 feet high and we found newspapers all the way back to the 1990′s. Her bedrooms were so full we could not open the doors and had to take them off the hinges. After spending close to 30 hours (collectively) cleaning out her small living room, we discovered a great deal of mold and other issues. We removed ourselves and her from the home. She was evicted by her landlord is basically homeless now. No one will rent to her because of her history. We have tried to get her professional help and the mental health center set up sessions twice per month with her. She is homeless and losing her job for other reasons. She has many health issues besides hoarding. We are scared for her and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
My problem is not entirely of my own making but my ability to cope with the hoard is getting me down. My parents come from a time when nothing was thrown away because there was no money to replace things and a stash of bits and pieces was handy for repairing things, etc.
My Mum passed away and she and I were very close so I can’t help viewing her things as almost an extension of her; if I keep her things around me, it’s almost like keeping her close. She was the same about her own Mother and so I have my Mum’s things and I have her Mum’s things as well! I have managed to donate some clothes to a local charity shop but in all honesty, what I donated was mostly my clothes rather than hers. I guess in my case, it’s emotional attachment to my Mum’s treasured possessions rather than out and out hoarding, but while it’s five years since she died, I’m not making good progress in dealing with the grief.
I also live with and care for my elderly father who has always saved things in case they’re needed! We’re at the stage now that some rooms in the house are OK but spare bedrooms tend to be used for storage of things to be sorted and then when visitors want to come and stay, I’m in a panic situation……I need the room but I have nowhere to put the stuff. Other members of the family are efficient “if in doubt, throw it out” people who look on me as some kind of loser, they come across as impatient, unsympathetic and critical. Sometimes I feel like packing my bags and telling them to take over, EVERYTHING, but they don’t want that, naturally. They want me to keep on doing the caring but they also want me to grow myself a magic wand and fix everything. If only I could, I might fix more than they’re bargaining on! I wish there was a solution.
Hi, I’m 26. Due to unforeseen circumstances I had to leave my 3bedroomed home and move back into my parents home. The room I am in now is tiny, dark with no windows. I feel trapped. From downsizing my personal space from a 3bedroomed home to a tiny room I feel depressed, cluttered and dirty! I’m just trapped. I don’t have space for my clothes, my study books or my personal items! I have to climb over things to get to my bed, I have so many things on my bed that I only have a small space to sleep on!
Please help!
I’m not a hoarder. I’ve just outgrown my storage space.