I’m annoyed by infidelity.
What’s gotten me so annoyed to write about it are radio advertisements I hear for a website that encourages people to cheat on their spouse or significant other, acting as though it were a common or even normal experience.
Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal. If you’ve come to the fork in the road where you’ve cheated or are considering cheating on your partner, it’s time to acknowledge another reality — your primary romantic relationship is in trouble. Serious trouble.
You can go down the easy road and cheat — because, after all, somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of people in relationships do. Or you can acknowledge something is going on with your relationship and work to fix it. Cheating is never a sign of a healthy relationship after all.
And if you can’t fix it, you’ll do the honorable thing — leave the relationship first. Before cheating.
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I absolutely agree with your stance that cheating is not ok and definitely a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. What I don’t understand is where you’ve been hearing people say otherwise – that cheating is normal or ok?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. As a woman who faced the nightmare of infidelity in the past, and whose friends all thought I made too big a deal of him sleeping with a teen…
I now have a wonderful relationship with a good man that shares the same view you do about infidelity. You don’t have to be religious to share this view.
Religion has nothing to do with infedelity… My ex is more religious than I often talking about how unforgivable cheating is. Guess who cheated, and then wants to be absolved and continue in a relationship. She is a work of art.
As much as I fear being alone, and as much as I want to have an intimate relationship cheating is a deal breaker. I hope to never live through that nightmare again.
@Amazonmom- I am glad that you found a wonderful relationship with a good Man. I hope to find a good woman to have a wonderful relationship with.
I too experienced a partner who cheated. It was devestating. I agree there is no excuse and it is not normal. This has happened to me twice. It has made me really question if try to meet anyone else.I want to even
One bad apple doesn’t ruin the whole bunch. I married, divorced and got back together with my cheater. He cheated on me from the beginning and although I just learned about the extent and depth of his deception and it is quite painful, I want to heal and be open to receiving and giving love in a new relationship. One door must close for a new one to open. Finally, I am there. You are better off even though it isn’t easy. Hang in there.
I agree with the article whole heartedly but would add an additional reason for cheating. There is a culture among some careers where over the top behavior is considered “normal” and sadly respected. I struggled with my decision to stay and work on the marriage. Do I tell my children that life is hard and you can’t just quit when it gets hard? Do I demonstrate to my children that we shouldn’t let anyone disrespect us and leave? I don’t think I would have made the same decision now that my children are grown. I used EMDR with a certified therapist and it helped tremendously to alleviate the excruciating pain that was festering. It didn’t make me forget it happened and I can still feel flashes of anger when triggered but it doesn’t last and at least the pain is gone. I survived.
This is the rantings of someone who has been on the sore end of infidelity. You failed to list the primary reason that people may cheat…and that is to feel alive through the adventure of knowing another intimately. It usually has very little to do with sex itself. Yes, infidelity is painful for everyone involved, but this article feels like it was written by a child with little understanding of life and it’s complexities. Talk to me in 20 years.
There’s plenty in this article that one could use to point the finger at one’s spouse as the problem (or the excuse for infidelity)… But what does your infidelity say about YOU?
I believe that cheating on your spouse is cowardly and selfish. It’s all about the cheater and very little concern for the damage the affair will cause for years to come. It has nothing to do with being alive or finding true happiness. If that were the case cheaters should end their current relation and then be free to have as many intimate encounters as their little heart desires (hopefully not with another married individual).
It might be common for folks to have an affair but that doesn’t make it right.
Thanks for hitting a home run with this posting.
“Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal.”
Pretty much any study on the subject in the United States would refute this assertion.
Yes, just read articles on cheaters at AskMen.com. According to those articles, men are incapable of thought higher than their penises and everyone is doing it. But that it doesn’t make it right for me and the reason that it appears that there are so many who are unfaithful is that those individuals are the ones responding to the survey, non-cheaters don’t have to gloat about their disgusting behavior.
Well, here’s a few studies that refute your assertion (and it would be great if you could include some citations next time) –
Whisman (2007) – 6.13% prevalence rate in a survey of 4,884 married women
Whisman, Gordon & Chatav (2007) – 2.3% prevalence rate in a survey of 2,291 married people (both men and women)
Blow & Hartnett (2005) –
The upshot? A minority of married people are having affairs. If we categorize any behavior as more people than not are doing it — making it common — then this would not fulfill such a definition. What “normal” is is of course up for debate, but in my sphere, infidelity is not “normal.” It is a clear sign and symptom of a problematic relationship.
Couple of points here – why do you trust the statistics these studies are based on?
2nd, what sort of science makes value judgments? It does seem to me that you are talking like a preacher presenting himself as a scientist.
Personally, I suspect that there is no formula that applies generally. If you were to run down to the nearest family court and listen for a while, you might agree.
What do you mean, why do I trust the statistics the studies are based upon? Because I reviewed them, they looked sound, and they were published in peer-reviewed journals (not by some random website as a “survey”).
If you don’t think scientists have biases — biases that creep into their research, hypotheses and data — you probably haven’t spent a lot of time with scientists. Because, after all, they’re human. They have opinions. I blog about my opinions. If you confused my blog with the journal, “Science,” I apologize.
There is a formula that applies generally — consider self-respect for yourself and respect and general decency for your partner. (Because if a relationship isn’t minimally about mutual respect and enjoyment with one another, I don’t know why you’re in it.) While certainly some relationships can thrive in an alternative manner, that wouldn’t be the norm.
According to statistics compiled by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago for the General Social Survey, a slight decrease in infidelity was reported as of September 2010.
“For those who are married currently in the 2000s, 16% of men and 10% of women said they had an affair while married. In the previous decade, 16% of men and 11% of women said they’d cheated. The number of women who said that infidelity was “always wrong” increased to 84% in the 2000s, up from 73% in the 1970s. Some 78% of men in the 2000s said infidelity was wrong, compared with 63% in the 1970s.”
I cheated with an unmarried man who claimed to be in a “committed” long-distance relationship. Indeed he is; they talk 3-4 times/day and take vacations together. But dispite us sleeping together for nearly 2 years, she never knew. My thought is that she suspected but just chose to look the other way. Many women will do this because they don’t want to be alone. Sad state of affairs for middle-aged women. There are so few guys to date that we basically have to share.
@Jean, you’ve clearly looked at your inexcusable behavior through rose colored glasses. If you are interested in merely dating why not join a group or site for singles rather than “date” a dishonest, disrespectful person? What does that say about your self respect? It tells those on the outside of your situation that you sorely lack any. Do women or men truly believe another person when they are told things such as, “We still live together because I’m worried for their mental or physical well-being” or “We are together for our kids” or even “I’m moving out as soon as my family recovers from the death of a family member”? If you are willing to believe bs like that I have some things I’d love the opportunity to sell to you!
I have even less compassion for men or women that look to a married person for an actual relationship! If the single person is a parent it makes it even worse! Protect your chidren from anyone that is willing to harm those they claim to love. I recently heard of a close family friend dealing with a cheating spouse that used some of the excuses I listed above. The woman he had an affair with has a four year old she brought the man around. The man had been living in the home of his father in law with his wife & their children for a couple of years. This woman believed he was still married because of his kids & that he wasn’t having sex with his wife for at least 6 months. He said the wife asked for a divorce but wanted him to wait to move out until the kids recoovered from losing their grandparent. According to the wife they still maintained an active, experimental sex life when it began. They were making plans for the future and looking for a house. Now that it is no longer a secret my friend wants a divorce he wants to work on the marriage and stay together. Those that cheat rarely leave their spouses & the children will always end up the victims in this type of situation!
Parents need to wake up! If a man or woman will treat their own children this poorly, how much worse will they treat your children?
Hello There Mr. Grohol:
I have a question for you: In the ‘peer reviewed’ articles that you cite above to reinforce your silly world-view; Were the respondents truly representative of the human race, that is to say that the survey results reflect all of the peoples and cultures of this world we live in, or was the survey only given to WASPs who were raised with our narrow western mind-set? Why don’t you go up north & give these surveys to the tribal people you find there? I bet you’d find your statistics reversed with 75% of people ‘cheating’ – so in those cultures & various others throughout the world having multiple partners is normal. I thought a scientific study was supposed reveal some truth about all human beings, not just about our fellow westerners.
People feel hurt when they’ve been ‘cheated on’ because they’ve been taught to feel that way. Your talk about ‘honor’ proves my point. And by the way, where is the honor in ditching your children simply to pursue the lie of serial monogamy?
The thing I love most about you and people of your ilk, Mr. Grohol, is that your solution for the rest of us is that we should hire you people to council us in improving our forced and unnatural relations. In effect, you & your type are charging us (a little less than a divorce, according to your own words) to try to teach us how to force a square peg into a round hole. I love the way you dispense advice that leads people to waste their money on counseling in an endless money-making cycle for you & your creepy cohorts. You’re like a bad dentist who makes his fortune by repairing and damaging his patients’ teeth at the same time, thereby insuring a steady income for himself forever.
Anyone who cares to read beyond the narrow realm of psychology and counseling journals and into anthropology and primatology knows that the idea that human beings are monogamous is a lie. The real ‘cheaters’ are people like Mr. Grohol, who make their living by counseling and trying to convince people otherwise, and even worse, callously try to convince us to hurt other people by making the honorable (false) choice our kids & those we love for some ‘new flame’. That’s truly disgusting, Mr. Grohol!
P.S. John, you conceded earlier in your blog that some people my ‘cheat’ due to an evolutionary bent to behave in this manner. It looks to me as though you’re conceding to a crack in your philosophy about relationships. Why bother trying to debunk something unless you feel in your heart that there’s truth in that opposing point of view? The reality of our world is that that short paragraph contains the entire truth about human relations and the rest of your article is the lie that should be debunked!
a_million_bc… There’s a simple solution to your concerns — don’t get married. Monogamy, I admit, is not for everyone, so why force it on yourself if it’s not a good fit?
I have no problem with people who have alternative relationships, open relationships, even an open marriage. As long as it’s a mutual agreement between you and your partner, I’m all for it.
But if you’ve voluntarily entered into a monogamous relationship and can’t keep up your end of the bargain, you should consider the health of the relationship and whether it’s something you truly want to continue. Cheating is just such a sign that perhaps the relationship isn’t as healthy as it could or should be.
As for the comment about peer-reviewed research, most such research is not meant to be a commentary or conclusion for all humankind (with all of its wonderful and beautiful diversity). It is indeed biased toward Western culture and civilization and anytime you read ANYTHING on virtually any psychology blog online today, you should understand the results are meant to apply to such Western cultures only.
I’ve been thinking about infidelity. I read this and realized it is just short term satisfaction or avoidance of the real problem. Thank you for causing me to think twice and to tackle the real issues I am having.
What advice can you give for those who were the ones cheated on? My now, ex-partner of 3 years whom I lived with was the one who broke up with me 4 weeks ago because he admitted that he had feelings for his Manager, whose is 28. He’s 30. She was married at 18, currently going through divorce proceedings and having an intimate relationship with someone else in the office already. Now my ex-fiancé, despite him knowing her situation and as he told me is drawn to her sexiness, intelligence and everything that he dislikes about me, she does not harbour on top of the fact that she could support and understand his career progression better than I could support him. It hurts immensely, as he’d slept with her 2 days before he did the deed and broke up with me, citing that he now had a reason to end our relationship. Later, he said to me that for 6 months at his new contract role he started in December last year, (which ends late September 2011) he had ‘admired’ and looked up to her… Isn’t that being emotionally unfaithful, and is considered cheating albeit not physical yet? This has all come in a time when he bought me an engagement ring in March this year, constantly affirmed to our friends and his parents that I was his lifelong partner he wanted to marry, shared his commitment with me, asked me to take time off this October so he could propose to me on our trip away, organised for a mortgage broker to talk with us on buying a home and raised the issue of us merging our finances. Has he been living a lie all this time or was he confused himself? I have given him constantly support, encouragement, understanding and true love over the years we’ve lived together and shared our lives and I feel so gutted that he could treat me so roughly and be so brusque with his words and actions to me. I know my happiness is my own responsibility, but I can’t help but feel so deeply saddened, crushed and gutted at this whole situation I find myself unwittingly and un-precedently dragged into. When the truth came out, all my dreams was ultimately crushed… I feel I cannot trust men, as I had committed myself so deeply to him through my heart and soul, in words and concrete action; to a man who I believed at that time truly loved me. I’m 27 years old and I can’t see myself with anyone else at the moment as the thought of another relationship is just too painful for me. Do men that cheat ever find happiness in a relationship or is that a subsistent cycle that continues right throughout their lives?
What is your opinion on a person who is with a healthy partner after having ended a relationship with a cheating spouse…but after some time this person then goes back to their ex-spouse, cheating with them on their current partner. Claims that ex-spouse has changed, etc are made; partner is devastated and makes attempts to sever ties. BUT, the cheater then begins making extreme statements as a way to manipulate and attempt at keeping partner in their life…yet goes on to remarry ex-spouse. Manipulation goes so far as to accept financial help from former partner while now married, all of which is unknown to spouse. In a nutshell, they are wanting their cake and eating it, too. And to note, the cheater is a female, had been in a serious 2-year relationship with another woman, but went back to ex-husband while keeping other woman close. Ex-husband had also been a cheater, emotionally abusive, etc.
Keeping an affair free marriage requires a strong character. I think its best if the people who enters marriage to respect their vows and their relationship. They should focus on loving each other and resist temptation that would break your relationship. I also think that we should tell our partner about the temptation if it arises(though it requires lots of courage) and deal about it. The other partner should also cooperate in finding a solution, after all we are only human. Two heads are better than one. Left to deal temptation alone, a single partner might not have strength, but temptation can’t sway him/her if they had the lend strength of its partner.