Ruminating is like a record that’s stuck and keeps repeating the same lyrics. It’s replaying an argument with a friend in your mind. It’s retracing past mistakes.
When people ruminate, they over-think or obsess about situations or life events, such as work or relationships.
Research has shown that rumination is associated with a variety of negative consequences, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, binge-drinking and binge-eating.
Why does rumination lead to such harmful results?
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I don’t think ruminating is solely good or bad, it really depends on how we react to our thoughts.
I do this with my gf. I always worry that we are going to break up and that our relationship is falling apart. There’s really no reason for it other than she’s not super affectionate and a lot of the time won’t kiss me or do some of the thing I ask. There not sexual BTW there just like a kiss or whatever and that fine she should be able to have her own will and I respect her but it bothers me so barn also I worry that we are going to break up because of my worrying. Please help!
Dominik,
I had a boyfriend just like this; everything you described. I was always worried he ‘wasn’t that into me’. He is no longer my boyfriend, he is my fiance! I couldn’t believe it when he proposed. I have started looking at things in a different way now. I can see the love in the things that he does, even if he isn’t always as affectionate as I’d like.
Everyone is different, and imagine if both people in the couple were super affectionate? You’d never get anything done!
Dominik,
You don’t say how long you’ve been together, but if affection is important to you and not her, I’d consider ending the relationship. Chances are she won’t change, and if you don’t either, there’s no sense in staying in a situation that brings worry and doesn’t fulfill your needs. Of course, only you can decide if other things are good enough for you to stay and/or seek some help for your problem.
thank you so much for this— I have been very challenged with this lately– getting literally stuck on obsessive negative thoughts and unable to stop ruminating on them. All of it self-defeating. It is a great reminder to know that what needs to happen is to simply break the chain in my brain so that the thoughts die down and I can think more clearly, but wow is that easier said than done at 4am in the morning! Appreciate the post on this and the simple acknowledgement of all this.
I do the same thing and it is draining the life out of me. Sometimes the television can take my thoughts off of it but not always. I am a registered nurse with a bachelors degree in psychology go figure
“Women Who Think Too Much” is a very solid read. It is both informative and practical. I do think women are somewhat more prone, but I know of plenty of men who brood and stew quite a bit, as well. I’m certainly guilty of my share of it, but I try and practice what I preach to clients about journaling to get the thoughts out of your head without exhausting your support system, engaging in distraction activities, and of course, problem solving.
Counselor Carmella
Author of Carmella’s Quest: Taking On College Sight Unseen (Red Letter Press 2009)
http://CarmellasQuest.LiveJournal.com
For me, it helps to tell myself that the things I am ruminating about are not happening today. Just for today this is not happening. When I put it appropriately in the past, I don’t linger on it and pull it into today. My life used to be like a filing cabinet filled with everything good and bad. When I was depressed, my mind would say “when have I felt this bad before?” There was always something to pull out of the cabinet. Now I tell myself that this bad thing is not happening today. I can move on at that point.
I like that…thanks for posting!
SPOT-ON, Billy.
I ruminate because I am in a bad relationship…a man who romanced me and 2nd week of dating told me I was going to be the last woman in his life….then 3 month later a red flag when I had fever and flu I got the Tina Turner treatment. No respect for me needing to be in bed so long and blamed me for fever?
I walk on eggshells and buy many $1 garage sale items to keep the house quiet from his screaming about dust in the house,kitchen sink tea stained,food not OK etc.his mother phones him from France every 3 days and even told him not to yell at me so she knows.
I know I am leaving but it has to be an unexpected move. it is my apartment but for my health I have to go.
I hear you…once upon a time, I rented a truck and grabbed a few friends and moved while he was at work. It was my apt too! I left him the junk in the fridge…thank goodness for friends & family. He beat the snot out of me…but I was free! Good Luck!
You might be dealing with a narcissist. Check out Narcissistic Personality Disorder.(NPD) Then if you think he is a narcissist google narcissistic men. He may not be a narcissist but if he is you really need to read the information.
There are techniques I use: exaggerating the thought until it becomes ridiculous or intolerable, writing the thoughts down and saving it so I won’t forget, making a list of alternatives to remorses past and current, resting or taking a nap, making a list of things I like to do, making a list of things I succeeded in or long-term friends.
It also helps me to read books or see movies about rascals and characters.
It is such a waste of time I feel. I hope people find their own way out.
Thank you for this post. It is so crucial to focus on the SOLUTION in every situation.
That is what really helped me to beat my eating disorder – to keep taking action and focusing on the solution on my ultimate goal of recovery
Sometimes, I tell myself to hold the thought I am ruminating on- do not think of anything else. That sometimes works. Another thing I do are math problems. It re-focuses my mind and calms me down. There are times when I just laugh at myself and think of what the Bible says. There is a passage that says (not exact words), “Can worrying add one hour to your life?” Rather than beat myself up over it, I think “God must have known people were going to worry if there is a passage about it. So, I am still somewhat normal.
A couple of things that have helped me with my tendency to ruminate:
1) the “3 C’s” of 12-step recovery programs: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. Amazing how many things fall into that category!
2) why should I let someone else’s behavior determine whether or not I’m happy? I need to look to my own behavior for that.
Great post! One approach that works well for me is from the book, “Taming Your Gremlin”.
When I notice I’m caught up in ruminations, I
1. Focus on my breathing in and out.
2. Notice all the sensations I can feel all over my skin. E.g. air on my face, chair against my back…
3. Notice all sounds I can hear around me.
That’s enough to break the cycle and bring me to the present. And then I tell myself it’s ok to feel a little sad or regretful about a past event, but I need to keep moving forward.
These are very good suggestions. When I was sick with a very deep depressive episode, my mind was trapped in a whirlpool of rumination. Ultimately, I lacked the inner resources as my mental/emotional equanimity was too depleted, to pull myself out of it. In crisis, I sought medical attention. Changing my medication and regular sessions with a skilled psychiatrist were how I got back up on my feet again. Once there, I was able to learn and put into practice techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help myself strategize for tough, trigger moments.
I’ve never heard this term used before but I’m glad I’ve finally have. Now I have a fighting chance at conquering what I preceived as simply me being insane. Thank you.
My son has schizophrenia and has been in a psych hospital for 3 yrs….just when i think he is getting better , he gets out of touch with reality, very paranoid, and thinks his father and i are in a conspiracy to have him killed….does anyone have any ideas on how to talk to him and help him with this psychotic thought…..i try to reassure him but it happens again and again….we have just started being allowed to take him out of the hospital for day visits, but i am nervous about his thoughts and he is frightened that he cant control them….he is on tons of medication, which doesnt seem to help
@ mikes mom, thank you for asking your question. I’d definitely recommend that you speak with a therapist or psychologist at the hospital about this. It’s such an important question, but I think that only someone who specializes in working with individuals with schizophrenia is best qualified to answer this. You might also consider seeing a psychologist yourself (again, someone who works with people with schizophrenia) to see the best way to help your son in general. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful but I really think consulting a professional is key.
I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s illness. My mother had schizo affective disorder & life was hell growing up. My father was an alcoholic. I was dxed w/bipolar 1 after many years of being misdiagnosed w/unipolar depression.
But for me I had delusional thinking where I thought my loving husband of 36 years (been together since I was 15 & he was 16) WANTED me to kill myself. Then I thought he was going to poison me.
But after getting on atypical anti-psychotic medical as well as others I was able to get free of those delusional thoughts.
But I had to try many meds that had side effects like knocking me out so much I fell asleep while driving or kidney malfunction on Lithium.
Meds helped so much but I am now in the process of getting off them w/Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I’m now 56 so these meds haven’t been tested on the “elderly.”
I lost my mother, and my life partner as well as my best friend because I cannot drop the past. I feel like it’s never been dealt with properly and I’m to blame cause I subject myself to the same situations that fail and then my life reel starts to play again and everyone is so tired of me. I’m heavily medicated and I meditate and do yoga… Nothing helps. I am broken hearted and cannot stop bringing up every mistake past and present as well as half-ass explaining what lead to such emotional overload in detail…. Over and over again. I’ve wondered for years what’s so wrong with me and now that I put a title on it…. I need help, I’m 20 and stressed and I need the people I love back. What do I do?
I spent thirty years unable to accept the past, I tore myself apart and although I still have my moments we have to let it go. We have to accept people make their own choices. As for head tapes and life reels do yourself a favour stop for a moment. Realise that what you want you can not have. That while your head is full of emotional chaos there will be no clarity, and while you allow your emotions to rule they will.
Try to stay in the present moment work on giving yourself a break from your intrusive thouhts.
There are no reels or tapes only responses or reactions
What helped me with the problems you are describing is a great talk therapist (who helped challenge my way of thinking and offered possible alternatives) and an SSRI that stopped the obsessive sad thoughts. Those people who didn’t care enough about me to understand why things bothered me are now out of my life. I hope you find help and peace.
I’m presently suffering from depressin/anxiety and cannot get rid of constantly ruminating. I’m also seeing a therapist who says change your thought patterns ~ not easy when one is down! I’m also on an ssri(celexa)for a couple weeks to date it hasn’t helped. Whatt ssri are you on?
My stepson went to Las Vegas after college. He did not get a job but applied for restaurant manager jobs only. He did not try everyday and he would not ask for help. He was costing me a fortune. I stopped paying and his mother took over. I get him a job through a friend as a host. Soon he was working one day a week. Next, he stopped taking his gout medicine and had to call in sick that one day. That was his revenge on me for not being able to work at a manager’s job.
After 14 months and $20,000, he came home with the urging of his aunt and uncle.
Now home, I was determined to get him working, even if it was around the house. I told him we would pay his bills for 2 more months but no more. He was supposed to do chores. He agreed, took the money and then promptly quit doing anything after securing financing from his aunt and uncle. I was furious.
A few months later, he left a loaded gun on the kitchen counter. My wife saw it but kept quiet. I found it and told him I wasn’t comfortable with him keeping a loaded gun in the house. He told his mother he would keep it locked (he had asked her earlier if he could buy it and she said no).
Neither of us believed he was locking or unloading the gun. I said I was leaving.
Three years later I bought a house of my own (we were living in her house). While gathering my stuff and taking it to my new house, I found another loaded gun. Newer, bigger, more expensive. This kid is nearly thirty, had a restaurant job that did not pay enough to support himself, yet he was buying more expensive guns and ammunition. I left as soon as the rehab on my house was complete.
I still ruminate about the situation. I don’t think of him as much as I do my wife and his family members who did nothing in my regard. They have been building cases against me…the one who pays for everything and takes care of all the problems. His brother is a doctor now and I contributed to his schooling. There is no one I haven’t helped in that family yet I can not get any support on any issue, let alone the stepson.
Rumination steals more than have my waking hours.
That is so sad makes my rumination look silly. I was just rude at someone at work and freak out every time I see him. I’m sure he thinks I’m crazy. But I don’t think I could ever let the crazy family situation go – sounds like you were robbed of a common sense answer. Kid should have been kicked to the curb. Just enabling behavior. My friend from 20 years ago comes to me for help, and I will talk to him and give him some resumes but he chooses to live on the street . He finally quit drugs after being on the streets or months. No one to pull him out and support the BS.
ahh….rumination. In it kinda bad for the last couple of weeks. Over focused on whatever I read on line/news. Politics, baseball, work, kids….round and round. Still awake at 4 or 5 a.m. eventually conk out and sleep til noon. get up….it starts again. I’m a teacher and so soon, 2 weeks, I will need to, ah, get up and be present and awake. I got some sleeping pills so I can conk out in 5 minutes and sleep, but am groggy and a bit agitated during the day. I have been here before, about 4 years ago. It sort of abruptly went away. I think I mainly get overly focused on things I cannot control (politics, baseball, and my adult kids, who really are pretty swell). Work, well, I can only control my part of the equation. Admin. and students, not so much. Really hard when I’m in this rumination/worry cycle. I suspect that I have other deeper issues that need to surface. For example: getting older, retirement (not that far away), being not important in a youth oriented society. just thinking. Oh, that’s right–I do a lot of this.
I have been a ruminator for many, many years. When I first figured it out, I wanted to understand how I got this way. Maybe my insight could be helpful to others.
I traced mine back to not feeling safe or secure as a child (don’t a lot of our problems start here) and having to found ways to keep myself protected or out of harms way.
If I could think of as many possible scenarios to common or upcoming situations, forsee them, and come up with possible solutions ahead of time – then if it did happen I would be more prepared. So, I guess I was more of a future ruminator that a past one.
I actually PROGRAMMED my mind (like a computer) to react to negative stimuli or to look for the problems in every environment or situation based on this program (of looking for problems or faults). Based on this program, when something DID actually happen (because I was subconciously making sure it would – to fit the program I gave it) I would be able to say – you see, I was right.
It is hard to unprogram your brain – but remember – you originally put the program there – YOU CAN reprogram over it.
In conclusion, I would like to say that being a ruminator does have some upside. If you think out possible future events ahead of time you ARE more prepared than those who don’t.
As for ruminating over the past – that is ancient history. History can’t be changed. You made the decisions you did based on what was going on and what you were able to handle THEN. You probably did do your best with what you had available to you at the time, both mentally and physically.
Be forgiving of yourself.
I just learned today about the term “ruminations.” And I can report that I am a ruminator. Your thoughtful insight strike a chord with me and I thank you for sharing it. I grew up in an unsafe childhood setting and thought I had overcome it. But, my base line anxiety, depression and rumnations are all rooted there, I am afraid. But as you wrote, I can re-program and will seek to do so. Thanks, again.
Debi_in_DC, I really enjoyed reading your post. My story seems a bit similar to yours. I feel to as if I am trying to understand what is going on with me, so I can have better insight and prevent this from happening to someone else. That is an instinct I have attained through life. I as well programmed my brain like yours, to point out faults in life, and feel some sort of comfort when I was right. Now, I am in the process of de-programming my brain. It is very frightening though. Sometimes, I just fill my head with doubt. I would like to know how you succeeded. I would like to know how you coped. I would like to know your story. I am in the process of really trying to forgive myself. I think the worst part of my ruminating thoughts is that I don’t feel worthy of anything. That is a thought that I am de-programming from my brain. I think the hardest part for me is that I could possibly live my life without this if I could just commit to the lifestyle and not try to figure out everything. Of course I don’t want to be naieve about these types of things. Anyway, things would be better if we lived in a perfect world, right?
there is, you know, another type of rumination altogether
My reply turned into a blog post:
If we don’t recollect constructively, we may be ruminating. If that is the case, I would advice letting go of it for a logical reason: it is impossible to independently confirm what we are so entangled with. And for the construction to hold, and be functional, it needs independent confirmation.
We then must believe and trust that letting go and independence, will bring those elements we tried to recollect all the time in an unexpected yet recognizable way, like in a dream, with more meaning and more powerful than we would have believed possible, especially during ruminating.
What we know or sense during independent recollection, may fall into place in one of their possible combinations. Suddenly the structure functions again and we feel the flow. That is when to plant the white flag of emotional liberty. Those elements of sensing or knowing must be kept.
Keeping is a matter of understanding. Narratives or theories can keep the elements we treasure for us, even when they change or are lived, like in dreams. Therefore theories or narratives themselves in their turn, may become as important as the elements of recollection they carry for us.
There is a small but essential difference in how men and women do this, men before the fact and women after the fact. Before the fact, narrative, theory or vision may seem all that is possible, however the aim is to try and to realize that intuion. After the fact, only what is valued to be good, is kept.
Anyway, the point is not to ruminate but be constructive in recollection, that is to try until the network is meaningful or the structure is functional. He tries to make his intuition true not false, while she values his tries to be good not bad. And of course, what he tries must be what she values.
http://crpa-application.blogspot.com/2011/10/repair-or-ruminate.html
I have done this for years, but it’s not me, it’s my child who had a horrific experience and I was unable to give him good advice that might have avoided it. I have been over it probably thousands of times, and as it continues to affect his life, it could go on until I die. This will sound crazy, but I’m almost 70 and my short-term memory is fading. I hate to lose it but now if something reminds me of the past I just wait a minute and it’s gone. We are told to do exercises to keep our memories when we age but to me it’s been a blessing to be able to forget.
I’m not sure if it’s rumination what I’m going through but I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We are very serious and faithtful to one another. I get so focuseds on not looking at other guys to the point where I’m like stressing out my head when there is a male around i try so hard not to even acknowledge they are there. But at the end i find myslef noticing every songle guy that passes by.. I get so frustrated and I start feeling guilty because I’m noticing every male.. I really don’t understand why this started happening to me when out of the whoel time I’ve been with my boyfreind i never went through this..
somewhere around the age of 7 i became acutely aware of my death. Initially the fear was on my own mortality but then developed into the realization that my grandparents then parents would go before me leaving me alone in what i saw as a frightening world. It all spiraled into a blur of loss,fear and isolation. How can a child interpret this madness and convey it to those that love him and can help.
I’m now nearly 60 and the rumination still goes on every minute. Like others on this blog i realize how iv’e lived in a bubble to keep the world at bay. I live alone and run my own business alone though i do have friends of 40 years standing i keep all relationships at arms length. Trouble is it’s all unresolved and i’m next and the real world is breaking into mine so the rumination intensifies in the hope of an answer. Well my parents are still alive with dad at 89 and mum 86 and still very alive so recently i took the chance to tell them the whole story as to why i became shit at school,hated everyone, and stole money. A family outsider.
It’s when you do this that you gradually discover that your whole family is like it. Suddenly so many screens came down between us as the common fear was shared. Suddenly iv’e been given the chance to save my family. Somehow we must all get our fears to the outside but make your family your church if like me you are lucky enough to still have them or people around you that you see as family. Living without fear is a tough cooky to break and it’s an effort we must make to the end.
Chris.
Chris
Chris when I read your story about becoming acute aware of your death at 7 I realized I am not alone. Always felt ashamed and alone about this and like you my parents are still alive. I don’t know how to stop this ruminating that is useless and has marred my life. I feel I have lost precious time and have become old (I am now 49)worrying about death. I have worried about it since age 7 and worse, I have thought I was old and dying since then. An embarrasing painful struggle I have not overcome yet. Something I can only share in the anonimity of the internet.
i need help i dont know if im ruminating or what im 14 and a kid in my math class you know every once and a while says something to me that can be a little offensive but idk why lately ive been aking everythin offensive i know he is kidding but ill go 60 secs and than in my mind his name or the thought comes back up i tell my self “he was just joking” and ill go a couple more seconds without thinking of it or sometimes ill go a hour or 15 mins without thinking of it and ill think i havent thought of that in so and so time and than ill remind my self sometimes i cant even get it off my mine what should i do??
I thought that Ruminate just meant think deeply.
I recently messed up my semester in college. Failed a relationship in which I invested soo much emotion and time into and let down someone i really care about and love. slowly started getting further and further away from my family and friends. i transfered to a different college. my ex is giving me another chance to redeem myself. im trying to make the people in my life to be closer. and yet, every minute of the day i am miserbale, lost in a sea of negative thoughts and the past, unable to muster up the energy to even concentrate on my work and classes. in a matter of a year, the bricks of my very foundation chipped apart piece by piece leaving me crippled and emotionally stunned. depressed? no. nor am i happy or content.
i scour the internet, blogs, videos, and just go through every seconds of the last year or so in my head over and over again for some peace. for some source of optimism. for something to make me feel better about myself and everything around me.
the problem is i cant stop ruminating. i cant seem to get ahead or do anything. maybe i just need to calm my mind first.
I so understand what you are saying. My life is almost exactly the same as yours. In less than a year, ruminating has stolen my entire life. I just want it to stop!
SOLUTION
-Stop ruminating
*calm mind
*distract
*problem solve
-Be positive
*analyze thoughts
*filter emotions
*reach positive thoughts
-Take actions
*look for solutions
*make goal
*work towards goal
Thanks for all your posts , I am going to make a point of reading them , especially at times when my rumination is active , because the first thing that I read was that one way of getting out of rumination is to focus on something else.
So what better than to read about others experiences that I will identify with as a way to get out of ruminating.
There are a few things we have control over. Let me say, that I have control over.
What I say
What I do
What I think
And ultimately how I feel.
Anything that is not one of these, cannot be a goal. A goal can only be something I have control over or I am out of control.
I ruminate to attempt to regain control over things that are often outside of my control. I also ruminate to prevent feeling negative emotions. If I turn my feelings into thoughts, I falsely believe, I can have control or distraction from the painful feelings. I have also read that anything outside of our control is not a problem, but a reality to accept. I often do not want to accept things I feel uncomfortable about. When I do, like my history, someone’s rejection of me, or fill in the rest. Sometimes, no, more times it isn’t even what others think about me, it is what I think they think about me. That isn’t real, it is my thoughts. So I stop.
So what I resist, persists. If I surrender to the pain, I suffer less. Pain is not permanent. I read once, feeling the feeling disappears it. So, I must respect boundaries. When I catch myself going for distraction or emotional replacement, I stop and surrender.
Lose my mind and come to my senses. This has helped me to get out of my thinking and into my senses–what I can actually touch, smell, see, hear and perceive. Recently I have been reading about the enneagram. It has helped me to see my motivations behind unproductive thinking and behavior. Simply noticing what I am doing has brought me to the present to be aware of myself in a better way. As a Peacemaker, my ego defense is to ruminate to avoid negative emotions. I cannot disallow that, because then my ego fights to keep it. But if I simply notice it, I become more free.
So, acceptance of myself, acceptance of my current circumstances, and then getting up and doing something have been very helpful to me. If I am seeking peace, then I quiet my mind. Sometimes I quiet my mind by writing, like this…Peace to you, Mike
I ruminate when I am finding things difficult and when I am alone. There is also anger over being let down and the other person being not good enough. So when I find something difficult or am feeling that my life is difficult , I get thoughts that are angry /rageing to someone who I have percieved to have let me down and is not there to support me in my (chosen) task/activity that I find difficult/challenging.
I have just had a rumination attack , triggered by a phone conversation and now , after a shower and writing this feel calm.
Ideally when I have some awarness of finding some situation difficult , I need to feel what that feels like. I understand this would be less painful than the ruminating thoughts, but can’t seem to do it, yet.
IS it possible that ruminating will go away eventually if you get away form the problem causing you to ruminate
Hi,
Does anyone have any practical advice on how to stop ruminating? I’m finding it so hard and it is affecting every aspect of my life including my work and concentration. To cut a long story short, I have had a string of bad luck in my last 3 short relationships, all of which I have felt the need to end as I know deep down I was being used. However, even though I know it was the correct decision to make, 6 months later I am still ruminating and doubting my decision. I replay the last conversation out in my head time and time again until it drives me mad. The fact is I know that the person involved has since moved on and that no amount of ruminating now is going to make a damn bit of difference. I often go to bed at night replaying things in my head and wake up first thing in the morning with negative and depressive thoughts filling my head. I have been on anti-depressants when something similar happened in the past and they did help but I don’t really want to be dependant on them forever. I have a hard time letting go of past events and find it hard to watch television or read a book anymore without my mind drifting off. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Loretta, I’m very curious to know if you have been able to overcome your past relationship ruminating issue. It has been more than six months since you posted, and I feel I’m at the same point now as you were back then(my story is quite similar to yours, mine involves an abusive passive-aggressive ex). To answer your question, I’m sure healthy diet & a lot of exercise are keys to improving- it’s easier doing than saying though. Also, I’m pretty sure falling in love with someone new could make one forget about old abusive partners, but love is so hard to find. In my case one thing is certain, next time a man starts romancing me, I’ll make sure to wait for at least a year before commiting to him- it has been my experience that for the first semester or so even psychos act like Romeos; it’s so creepy isn’t it?
Loretta, I,ve discovered that when I ruminate about relationships in which I felt I was being used it was really I loved who I thought the person was but he wasn’t and/or I thought he could “see” me but he really couldn’t. So I wasn’t loved for me but for what I could offer him. Unfortunately, that knowledge didnt help me stop ruminating. I know as I move to the next part of my life it dissipates but I have to reaffirm over and over that he (or she in other cases like this in my life) didnt know or care about me and I can’t change who he/she is. Also, that I have a right to choose who I spend my time with whether it’s mental or physical time. And that its ok to make some phoney excuse to avoid what I can’t change and don’t want to endure.
Loretta,
I cannot think of myself as so ego centric as to have advice for you. If it helps, I can relate. Although I have not recited last conversations, I have tried to replay what “I woulda/shoulda/need-to-have said” in response to the other person. I do this less. I do it less now because I see my temptation to do that as an attempt to regain something I feel I have lost. I have given over some power over myself to the person, situation, or experience.
If you have secretly accepted you were being taken advantage of by others-what in you seeks to be used? Low esteem of yourself? Or An old pattern, or what? My guess is there is some attempt to undo something. These attempts miss the boat and keep us suffering because they are replicas of some more historical hurt/pain/loss/fill in the blank.
I’m reading a book that is helping. It is, ‘When Things Fall Apart’ by Pema Chodron. I’m only in chapter 2, but I am enjoying it. I just bought it from amazon last night and downloaded it. I’m actually reading it aloud to myself. It’s an I retesting way to read and I thought I’d try it for the first time.
Here is a core issue for me. I either indulge my thoughts and feelings, or I repress my thoughts and feelings. Which are you doing? Pema Chodron points to allowing.
Beware of someone who has the answer for you. Your pain is yours like your joy is yours. Never submit to anyone who promises you one without the other. Quieting my mind takes practice and mistakes.
I also wonder what keeps you from using assets that worked in the past. Antidepressants are not addictive nor are they crutches. They can be aids that allow you to be successful in your goals. You clearly are skilled at removing what isn’t working–like being used. Are you as skilled in nurturing what is working?
I have some really good friends. Most are either psychologists, therapists or social workers, even business owners and professors and educators. A few particularly close friends are doing Buddhist practices, and some are Christian. Many are wounded healers. I would not be as able to cope with my current crisis without their support and love. Do you have trusted, reliable, accepting and intelligent in life friends?
My goal is to be present to myself and others. That is my wish for you– to be present with you and able to regain your power. It is too valuable to give away. I hope you have felt some compassion from me.
Presently, Mike
I don’t think rumination is a bad thing as I’ve been using it for many years to solve problems. I use to be a computer scientist and one of my jobs was to trouble shoot problems with complex systems. On any given day, I would have to read technical manuals to get up to speed in a given area. Then at night I’d ruminate and wake up in the morning with a solution to the problem.
Twelve years ago, I had a stroke. I still ruminate, but in a different way. Rather than read large amounts of material (which I can no longer remember) I go over stuff I don’t want to forget. This disrupts my sleep cycle. So I came here to try and gain some insight.
I don’t look on rumination is being a negative thing and I reject the idea that it is a depression thing. Many Brain Injury people suffer depression, so why do I need to accept this brain washing idea!?
rumination can be a useful tool, if you’re not a negative-nelly about it! Thanks for your opinion.
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a.b.i. (Acquired Brain Injury)
abidan
Rumination is also good in a way it gives us a realization on what we have done and how we would be able to solve it, what makes it bad is a negative response to it.
My rumination, also diagnosed as OCD, has turned from repetative thoughts to wierd paranoid thoughts that scare the shit outta me and cause stress/panic attacks that I can no longer control. I will be seeing a therapist as a last resort before meds. Has anyone tried hypnosis therapy ?
I wish that someone could have diagnosed me with rumination years ago! I have tried coping/dealing with SEVERE bad thoughts by binge drinking, self-injuries, and sexual misconduct. I was mentally and physically exhausted. In 2001, I had a 6 month period where I slept about 2 hours a night. My brain just would not shut off!! After 20+ years, I sought help when I felt that the only way to stop the thoughts was suicide. I was diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, suicidal fantasy, and moderate depression. Yes, I felt all of those things, but I didn’t really “feel” that the doctors were correct. I received counseling and accepted medication. I was told that I would most probably need to spend the rest of my life on meds. My 5th marriage was dissolved in 2007 (I was only 42). I was a total failure. Why couldn’t I stay married? What can’t I find someone to love? Why does everyone hate me? I was the common denominator in FIVE failed marriages and countless other relationships.
After researching about ruminations, I know that they were “close but no cigar”. I am med-free now for almost 9 months. Yes, I still ruminate, but I now know that I’m okay, that the thoughts can be put out of my head, that I am a good woman and a WORTHY person. I have recently met a good man and we are working on these things together. I will most probably never marry again, but if I do, I want him to be just like William.
I don’t think ruminations are wrong. I think ruminations begin because people are seeking an answer out of something that doesn’t make sense to them. I think ruminations continue because you don’t ask the right questions so you don’t get the right answer. If you don’t get the right answer, your life will continue giving you the same situations over and over until you do get the answer. If you want to stop ruminating, don’t start by looking for the answer. Start by looking for the question.
Rumination has manifested itself in a very specific way for me. My 5 year relationship ended about a year ago. While I cannot say I regret the relationship being over, I can say that rumination changed my personality in a way that negatively affected the relationship. We had a great sex life for the first 2 years of our relationship. We also fought intensely a lot. It was emotionally overwhelming, and after a particularly bad fight on her birthday, I could not perform in bed. I freaked out, she didn’t feel loved or wanted, and the thoughts spiraled out of control. I obsessed over my inability to perform, and as these things go, my thoughts become self fulling prophecy, and I ended up getting panic attacks any time she initiated sex. We still had sex about once a week, but ONLY when I initiated it – I felt in control in this way. However, I would ruminate over birthdays, holidays, trips, etc – any time there was an expectation of romance. I kept a mental log over how long it had been seen we last had sex, and if it had been more than 5 days, I started obsessing – the pressure was on. Things went on like this for 3 years. In this time, we got engaged, moved cross-country, and started medical school together. In the end, she left me 3 months before the wedding, and I can’t help but think that my inability to be romantic or be seduced by her was part of the reason, conscious or not.
Over the next six months, I mourned my loss, plunging myself in my studies and generally just trying to hold it together. I decided it was time to start dating again, six months after the breakup (5 months ago), I met a girl. Things were very casual and fun, with no intrusive or obsessive thoughts of past failures at all; my confidence was high. Two weeks aqo, we were at her house. I had been sick over the week before and was taking Sudafed decongestants. We started fooling around, and I would not respond. I now realize that pseudophedrine is the first-line treatment for priapism, so it is no wonder I didn’t respond! However, I was embarrassed and left feeling ashamed. My confidence in myself has plunged, and I am back to my old ruminating and obsessive self. Over the next week, I did nothing but ruminate about sex, and ruminate about how I need to stop ruminating. I self-medicated with alcohol to feel less anxious.
Last night, we went to a concert and ended up back at my house. I was drunk to numb myself. I couldn’t perform, and I told her something wasn’t right and we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I only said this because I felt backed into a corner and had no other excuses or explanations. I didn’t want to tell her the truth – I’m afraid of getting her too involved. She left in tears and I immediately realized the pathetic and inauthentic nature of my words. I called her this morning and s told her I didn’t mean what I said – I was really sad and just wanted to go back to where we were. We agreed to talk next week sometime.
I’m afraid the damage has been done. I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid of this self-destructive part of my mind. Here we go again.
I have seen some people asking for help with insomnia. I have been plagued with insomnia and rumination for about 10 years now. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for insomnia. You have to keep doing it over and over again. But here are some things my therapist told me to do, and they really help.
First of all, come up with a bedtime routine. It can be anything: brush your teeth, take your meds, put on your pajamas. Just come up with 4 or 5 things you are willing to do before bed. You have to do this for about a week before it becomes habit. Next, turn off the TV for an hour before bed. Go do something else! And lastly, if you go to bed and you’re still ruminating, Then go turn on a low light (such as a lamp) and read for about half an hour (or however long it takes) until you become tired, then try to sleep for half an hour. If you still aren’t sleeping, try it all over again.
As far as the rumination goes, I have found that keeping myself busy for several days is the only “cure” for me. I have to do it for the longest time, but it works. Good luck!