Comments on
10 Tips to Mend a Broken Heart

By Therese J. Borchard
Associate Editor

10 Tips to Mend a Broken HeartBess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.” Especially if you are the one who wanted the relationship to last.

Mending a broken heart is never easy. There is no quick way to stop your heart from hurting so much.

To stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.”

But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 10 tips I’ve gathered from experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up their heart and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.

1. Go through it, not around it.

I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.

224 Comments to
10 Tips to Mend a Broken Heart

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  1. My boyfriend of 1 year dumped me just a week ago. After a day I figured we could be friends. We argued a lot the past few months but I always apologized even when I shouldn’t have. It was strange how not just a few people but every one I went to advice for told me he was no good for me. But I couldn’t help myself, I needed him. Two days ago he told me (and I quote) “I don’t care about you. I don’t care to be close to you or talk to you.” It hurt like hell, but we talked it out and decided to be friends, this morning I found out he had a new girlfriend (we have only been broken up for a week) and I cried. But now, going through these tips, they’ve really helped, I’ve already been doing some of them like surrounding yoself with friends daily, laughing, and crying when I’m alone. It’s all helped. These are a great help and, hopefully, ill feel like I can love again. :)

  2. If I was asked a couple years ago what unconditional love meant I’m sure I would have come up with some feeble answer, in paying a lip service to it, but not understanding. I had finally found what we all ultimately seek, happiness and unconditional love; but the unconditional was only on my part. I had been working on myself for last couple years and had made great strides to finding my true self but what I had learned in the last 11 months was remarkable. Before the time I met her I had resided myself to being alone and it was ok and voila! she came into my life. I was completely honest with her, vulnerable and always treated her with honor. We had the foundations of what I thought was the beginnings and pillars of a fantastic relationship trust, communication, respect and love. Being able to express feelings, I had commented periodically that I didn’t feel as though I was important to her as she claimed; some inconsideration had come into play. I suppose I wasn’t feeling as honored; even on some scale. Now I had completely accepted her for who she was, never experienced that before, and accepted her for even of her own perceived imperfections and that made her perfect to me. I always told her what I learned just being with her whether or not anything was intentional. I learned the importance of sharing, especially the little things, what unconditional love meant, that I could see future possibilities and that she made me feel to always be a better man. When we were together it was nothing but living, laughing, sharing and crying, just plain simple synergy! Our pasts finally collided and I found the truth of why it could not go further. For me, the divine force of the universe is balance and there’s this circular flow that gives and takes to achieve this. Whether the cosmos or the mind we are limited in our understanding of our own desires and fears. My limited conscious mind, ego, thought I could help her through her own turmoil, all the while accepting her for who she is, and we could learn and grow together even with my own stuff. There was the problem. Although I consider myself worthy and a great guy some things in my past made her fearful; as it had connections with her past. Here is what I truly believe I now understand. My intuition was telling me things but I put on filters to dismiss it; the importance thing! as I took what she was saying at face value; I had discovered her true fears. Here for me now is a dilemma as to whether I protect myself and not try this again, as losing this unicorn is so painful and not wanting to put myself in this position again, or keep going fearlessly, as I thought my motto, to make the choice to open the door as the universe presents it. I understand the mind is so limited in understanding in balancing the conscious and subconscious that it seems the odds are stacked against me. To find someone who can understand what acceptance is and balance their fears and not be caught in fortune-telling of pasts or futures. I’d comment on a rebuttal about loving and losing. When you have experienced unconditional love there is something tremendously spiritual about it.

    • I like your post. I am in a lot of pain right now. I will go through the pain in order for me to be able to fall in love again. Unconditional love is very beautiful and rare.You are one special human kind.

  3. I would just like to say that i didn’t like tip number 7 as my ex’s name is Adam and hearing it was just gahh!

  4. I hope to be divorced by the end of the year. The relationship was not a healthy one; however, everyone has faults and I figured my patience, love and understanding would help get pass mostly everything. It did not, not even after the birth of our son. The marriage became worse (soon to be ex is not husband or father material); now I am under the same roof but utterly alone spiritually, emotionally and physically. In my state, I confessed my whole hearted love to a friend. A family friend whom has been incredibly supportive. I did it because I could no longer keep those feelings locked away. I wanted not for them to say to me, I needed to say it to them. I never not hoped to hear them say it back to me. After I professed my love, two weeks later I encouraged him to go out with a lovely person whom they are now in love with. My heart is broken. I deliberately set my friend up with happiness and in the process broke my own heart. I am so alone and unloved. I am so alone and now jealous of other people’s happy relationships. I have been married twice to men that love the idea of me but not willing to make “us” happy. I am so alone, my son is the only person that showers me with unconditional love, kisses and hugs. Yet I feel so completely alone, heart broken and a fraud. I’m so sad for everything I did and yet happy that my friend has found someone special. I can’t stand myself. Someone please help.

  5. It’s been a year since she went away, but the pain I’m feeling is still the same. My life’s been changed since the day she bid goodbye. I really find it hard to laugh and smile. I’m no longer interested in mingling to anybody else. I rather lock myself in my room. I’m now also afraid to trust anyone for I’m afraid that they will just leave anytime. She’s not my first love but she’s my greatest. I do always hope that one day I’ll be fine and I hope it will be soonest.

  6. The love of my life appeared 5 years ago. We shared many interests but had differences as well. I am not someone who opens up easily but she accepted me for what i have been. Met her parents and her friends, we were the definition of a happy relationship according to others. We were living together and got a baby 2 years ago. I started learning her native language so i could communicate with her parents. I did everything for her and for us, never taking care of myself. Time passed. She started to act distant, going out with her friends more often. One night she just did not come home. When she appeared the next say i said we needed to talk. The day after she dumped me. She said her feelings towards me changed and that she isnt atrracted to me anymore in a romantic way. I was and am devistated. I asked why she did not bring this up. “i thought i could keep on living like this and i was afraid to talk about it”. She said she felt this way for the last couple of months. I do not know how to feel about this. I never noticed anything different:( i feel so stupid!! But neither did our friends notice. I really feel like an idiot for not noticing anything but am mad as well because she have not brought this up. I feel like she did not give us a second chance. I really really love her with all my heart and wished to her that she can find the luck she deserves. My love was and still is unconditional. No more than a couple of days later she slept with a guy from her work and started dating him. I feel like trash right now. I cant be mad at her for wanting to be happy but i cant accept the way she decided on her own to break up and that she is already seeing someone else.

  7. Thank you very much for this post. I lost a man that I love because my own stupidity and fear and realizing that makes it very hard to forget. I don’t blame him for leaving, I made him leave. Now I’m just trying to forgive myself.

  8. Yeah Lenka, forgiving one’s self is also a big help in moving on.

  9. I’m from usa, My life is full of gladness because Dr Ogunjimi has asked me to be happy. What happened to me, was not what i can keep only to myself ,but to also tell the world so that those that were once like me will get their love ones back and be happy once again. I and my lover had some issues which led to our break up, since after then my life has never been the same,I’ve been confused all my life, i tried all methods to get him back. but he just won’t come back to me. But one day during my research on the internet, i came across someone’s testimony about Dr. Ogunjimi that was able to bring her ex lover back within few days. Though at first i taught she wasn’t real about it. I never believed the testimony, but the other mind of mine said why not give a try to this spell caster and. See if its going to work for me,then I decided to tell my problems to him,by sending him emails,(Ogunjimispellcaster@gmail.com) and he asked me to buy some materials that would be needed for the spell casting,then I paid for the materials, immediately (24 hours) later, my ex came back begging me that he wants me back that he’s very sorry for everything he has done wrong to me, that he’s planning to come and marry me if I don’t mind, that’s how I got back my ex boy friend, and I’m also using this medium to tell the whole world about this great man called Dr Ogunjimi .And For those in need of anything he told me that in his temple there is no impossibility now i believe him so much my dear friends, if you need help to bring back your ex lover kindly contact him via email: (Ogunjimispellcaster@gmail.com). And i promise you that your lover will definitely come back to you. He could help you on the following listed below.
    (1) Bring back your lover.
    (2) Job promotion.
    (3) Job opportunity etc. Contact him today on (Ogunjimispellcaster@gmail.com) he will help you out…….Try him.

  10. how someone break my heart and my soul i have.my bf 3
    5 yr but now he have have no time for me hehas busy in his studies and family

  11. I just separated from my fiancee” of 6 years. It was very hard to do. I will go through the pain and not around it. The post was very helpful, though I’m seeing a life coach once a month. I couldn’t figure it out what I did wrong. Was I not good enough for him? Wrong! He was badly abused by his parents since he was a kid that he doesn’t know what love is.I have so much compassion about him that I couldn’t get mad at him. Now I need to move on. Time will heal.Thanks alot for the post.
    PS: my writing is awfull as I’m in tears like crazy .

  12. I gotta broken heart and the feeling of losing someone i lovedand also my kids i am mmissing my kids i never felt like this before i know you’re supposed to get over it but it’s hard to when you was in love with that person i don’t want anyone to feel like this

  13. We’ve been together nine years and for her to just leave for someone with more money and better stuff i know we weren’t rich but i always had her back and we didn’t want for nothing but she wanted a better car all the material stuff i just wanted to be loved was that to much to ask for where’s god when i need him most not saying he doesn’t exist but i need him now more than ever before

  14. Maby love isnt for everyone, not for me.
    Totaly heartbrooken, struggeling to get som air, bloggning to get some feelings out,
    I’am looking the battel, what did i do wrong, why all this others bihind my back, i gave 10 yers and all my heart.
    I cant do this , cant find the light.

    Love From me to all of you

  15. thank you for saving me fron the pain of the heart…….GOD BLESS YOU ALL……

  16. So broken hearted that I can barely breathe. I was in love with someone who was dating another woman casually when we met. He now lives with her and they are a family. I’m broken hearted because I truly loved him from the first time I met him. I had known him 3 years before approaching him to see if he had interest (I always knew he did) Newley divorced I thought it was time to find out if he had the same interest. He was completely thrilled and couldn’t believe I would be interested in him. The physical chemistry was unexplainable for both of us. I have never felt anything so passionate in my life. This is part of the reason it hurts so much. The physical aspect we shared made me feel close to him. I have to see this guy once it twice a week, unavoidably!
    We have tried on and off to not speak for the last 2 years but we always end up missing and talking to eachother. This past week (day 3 ugh…) he realized how much he was hurting me as I was in tears over the phone. He is going to stop contact with me. I won’t contact him either.

  17. I want to thank you for the advice! I look for help everywhere and it all helps. I choose to leave my relationship after 10 almost 11 years because I wasn’t safe with him. I have always loved so deeply and honestly that it is hard to change the way I feel. I know it was the best thing that I could have done for myself but going through the whole grief process is so hard! And time seems to go so slow. But what I have noticed from reading all the other posts is that I’m not alone in my pain and on some strange level it’s nice.

  18. Thanks for ur advice and for all the ppl sharing there story . I fell in love with my second cousin and its been Hard. Like, no one can help me and no one understands how trapped I’ve become I know what I’ve been thru I know I’m strong. I know my love was always true I feel like she tricked me its hard to digest the reality of it all I know ill never stop loving her. But I don’t want to see her anymore not Facebook not anywhere I’ve taken steps to break away my family is fucking fake to begin with. Only my mother truly cares about me. And when she wish me a merry Christmas yesterday it made my whole day bcz there horrible day.

  19. 20 yrs of marriage n 4 lovely children..my wife dump me for a younger men…i m 61 now…she is 45 ….i m devastated…the pain is unberable…i m feeling lost n angry…l m living alone now n i m feeling like a sad old Hulk…alone but alive…

  20. I think I just want to get this of my mind. I have the most beautiful and warmest girl in the world. What I do I took it for granted. I never love someone like her before. The reason is I insulted her and her family and after that she cancel the wedding. I’m so sad its just too hard for me I made that smile of her cry. I wish God can take me away because I can’t understand why I did it. My heart is gone now I am so sad I can’t stop crying. I know there is some else out there but es is my someone else. I just wish that I could take it back but I cant

  21. 22 years of marriage, plus 4 dating with many of ups & downs, we have 2 great children that are loved by all that are in their lives, including, friends, teachers & family. me & my wife are currently separated. My wife just could not deal with my chronic depression anymore & decided she had to throw in the towel and call it quits. Kind of don’t blame her, but it’s still ripping me apart. I started a new job recently which needs all my mind & is very physical, it’s extremely hard to get through the days that are long 12 to 14 hours, and sometimes i wonder how i’m even doing it, knowing i don’t have anyone there waiting for me anymore. I’m trying the best i can to keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head, so reading this gave me a little inspiration. I know this is going to be a long depressing haul as i was very close to her family as well. So i just have to keep thinking about my 2 great kids and keep pressing on. I am on medication & seeking counseling. It’s gonna be a long road ahead.

  22. Hello, my name is Alex. And I’ve been heart broken for the last two years.
    I had a beatified relationship with this girl which I planned on marrying her..I made her
    A mother, and we had a beautiful boy together..
    We broke up two years ago..
    I miss her so much,,

    I need help..
    I don’t want to feel like I want to die any more..
    I can see why she doesn’t think of me when she has my son..
    He brings joy and happiness,

    I would do anything to make her fall in love with me..

    I just want the pain to stop..

  23. Honestly it feels like the end of the world and I hate feeling so hopeless. I cry and hate him for ripping my heart apart. I can’t believe it. He said he loved. He abandoned me without any answers or reasons. The fucker is a coward and won’t tell me why he decided to cut me out his life. It just hurt everyday but your advice helps me a little bit.

  24. I hope all here will read this…..the 1st thing u have to do is understand why u r in this situation, then ask yourself can u deal with it again.
    Why u may ask, because no matter what the situation u have if u think u can do it again…..guess what…..u r past what u r going through now.

    How’s that.

  25. Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for year and half and he has just left me a couple of days ago. i’m in bits i can’t cope. it’s tearing me apart. i feel like endding it all.

  26. I love somebody deeply – but he’s deeply committed (married) to somebody else. We have a long-distance, emotional relationship.

    Once we met and he kissed me (we had been platonic pen friends for 10 years) and from then on, we fell in love,spent several weekends together (he was not married then). I decided to pull out altogether because being with him was pure heaven, being away from him was pure hell.

    He was with somebody at the time. He says he loves me. He still says he loves.

    I broke off and did not contact him for 18 months. Kept on dreaming about him and thinking about him. At the end of the 18 months, I was at my wits’ end and resumed the “relationship”.

    Now, 4 years after that kiss – we decided not to see each other again (he does not want to betray his wife and I don’t want to be the one with whom he cheats) We have not seen each other at all for past two years but we chat every single day.

    I myself am very unhappily married. I know he loves his wife but he also says (and acts like) he loves me.

    So, I cannot put an end to it. Staying away did not help. Staying close does not help. What can I do? I feel torn apart by continuous pain. I cannot say I’ve been fully rejected – we are in constant contact.

    What can I do? How can I tackle this?

  27. I’ve been sort of seeing this woman for a couple of months. She said she couldn’t commit to me because it scared her and she would run away but last week was great, we went out, had laughs and she said that she really liked me, even from the first moment we met. She did say on Friday that commitment still scares her etc.. She just texted me last night to say she’s met someone else and I’m devastated. All i ever asked for was honesty and i just feel so worthless and alone now as it just seems everything she said was bullshit.
    It’s nice too know I’m not alone (although my story seems kinda pathetic compared to others on here) but i am hurting so much and trying not to show my hurt to anyone.

  28. Thank you for this advice. It would appear that what I’m doing and intending to do, is exactly as I should be. I can’t begin to explain how much heartache I am presently feeling after being completely committed to my partner, who just broke it off without any opportunity to turn things around, without warning, without any effort to minimise the pain I now feel, but after reading this I realise it’s just time hey. I forgive him already, probably because I still love him immensely, so I guess it’s just one foot in front of the other until the heart starts beating again right ;-)

    • Hi Hurt, I admire your courage. I’m in a similar situation right now. She just came back from a one month holiday and she said she’s tired of us and she wants space. It’s a complete shock, I thought we were happy, we’ve been together 7 years. Yes, there are the usual arguments and I always make up with her. I’m still trying to win her back though. I’ve been down and low for this past week but after reading your story it gave me a bit of a lift. Thanks.

  29. Thank you for this wonderful article… I have just ended a relationship that I was in for 10 years. When I was in it, I was miserable, now that I am no longer in it, I am more miserable than ever. I cannot understand it. I still love him deeply, but he no longer wants the relationship after being the one to always hold on when we’ve broken up in the past. I feel like Karma came back with a vengeance. I just want to move on and start my life over without the pain or the memories. This article has given me hope that with time and focus this will happen.

  30. “If equal love can not be, let the more loving one be me.” I read this (In Lucia’s Eyes) on the beginning of our relationship. I told her that because I am really in love with her. I try to be in love with her everyday but she’s no longer there. She says she’s suffocated, can’t breathe anymore and wants space. I didn’t know love can do that. I’m not even a controlling person. I dote on her, I still do. Her family loves me a lot as her 17 year old daughter does too. She’s 45 and I’m 37 this year. We’ve been together for 7 years now. It’s so sad that she’s throwing it all away because she’s not financially secure in our future. I’m still trying to win her back but every time she rejects me my heart hurts. I’ll still try until I can’t bear the pain anymore. Until I finally accept that she’s done and over with me. God knows how I love her so much. Please pray for us. Thanks.

    • I admire your will. Just remember while trying to win her back that you don’t forget to make sure you are also considered a prize. I hope it works out for you.

  31. This post is very helpful. Im currently in pain because of a 4 year relationship that ended in separation. I’m only 23yrs.old and already a single mom of a 2yr. old baby girl.. We just got separated though were not married, about 3 weeks now.. It’s very hard for me because we separated because of his wrong suspision.. He’s very possessive to the point where It seems that he’s the one running my life. At the 1st year of our relationship and living in together, everything was HEAVEN.We are very happy with each other. Until I got pregnant and He started to changed and become very hot tempered. He wants me to do all the household chores and he rarely help me on that. I tried to explain to him that I cant always do all the chores, since I’m the only ONE taking care of our daughter. when my daughter is just 6 months old, he HAD AN AFFAIR with a girl who works just a couple of blocks from our house. He asked for forgiveness and promised me that he’ll be loyal from that day. And since i really loved him, I forgive him. Now he asked me to loo for a job. And I am not able to stay on my work for a long time because whenever I have a job, he always think that I have another man. though the truth is I dont have any.

  32. I can only guess that he doesn’t love me anymore. He left a week and 2 days ago and hasn’t tired to contact me (not even for our 2 kids) but once. He left because I “bitched” too much. I put up with him lying, leaving for days on end, leaving me in the hospital while I was pregnant with our 2nd child, even then he didn’t bother to contact me to learn the where about of our son. He has been violent in the past, I am in debt because even though he works he’s really irresponsible with his money. And yet I’m the one that hurts because we’re not together. He is out with his friends having fun. I’m so torn between being relieved he’s gone and crying endlessly that he hasn’t walked through the door yet. I need help

  33. I have come out of long term painful relationship and it’s still hurting me after 2 years are gone by. I was married for 24 years when discovered that my x wife was involved with my own employee. I had three children with her. I worked hard a raised a very decent family. One son 25 completed his masters in mechanical engineering and the other on Bsc in bio medical science. And a 10 years old wonderful intelligent daughter. The feeling of betrayal are awful added with loss of family’s happiness. We Asians are happy to selflessly divot our lives to our children and see our dreams in their happiness.
    In shot a wonderful family have been broken in low level cheap cheats and ignorance.
    Not only that she took over our jointly own business and I have to start all over again at the age of 56.
    The more grief is coming from the children who are unable the see the truth and ignoring the reality.
    Though I am an educated and optimistic person but collecting myself together is proving difficult.
    I’m at the stage of finalise the financial matters through the court because she never come to any mutual agreement or discussion.
    The person she is fallen for is no way near what she had in my life. I been taking pity on him as he belonged to a very poor family.
    The loss of family’s pride is any challenge to face in coming times and the consequences on my children’s lives.
    If she wasn’t happy with me she could have asked for divorce as her right but she chose to use ever abuse and cheap ways to end the marriage.
    its not as simple to overcome such situations and I know other people have gone into long term depression.
    I’m trying my best to pull myself together and move on with my life.
    Thanks for reading and any suggestions are welcome.
    Rana

  34. Thank you for your tips, after reading them I feel somehow healing though its a process. The problem is that my ex is person I fellowship with same branch, the person she dumped me for who is now her boyfriend is in the same church and to make matters worse he is my distant friend. Again I always see my ex passing by my workplace every time she is gone gone. Also most of the times when I drive around I meet her with the guy discussing their issues on the road. Help me I am burning.

  35. I just got out of an 8 year relationship. I woke up top find a note that she left in the middle of the night. She messages me that she wants to be friends. It is hard to not respond, because of hope she will come back home. I know it is over, I just needed to say this to someone. It is hard to love and not be loved back.

  36. I feel empty, broken, lost. I cannot let people in and all I want is him. I miss him. I ache for him. We are meant to be together and I know that; I think thats why it hurts so bad. I am so very thankful to have found these tips because I have never felt so low. Never felt like this before and I hate it. I just want to go back to us. It will take me a very long time to put these tips into good use but I’m so thankful that I found them.

  37. i will try. hope it can help

  38. Therese, thank you so much for writing this. It’s brilliant. And, despite the creepiness of Facebook making it pop up on my feed at a time when it is very relevant (even though the article is a few years old??), it is so good to see the lessons I have been learning, all set out so clearly!
    Thank you for all the amazing work you do. The world is lucky to have you in it as you are.

  39. This made me cry, but I find it to be very true. The question I just can’t seem to stop asking though I find you have already answered it; how do you let yourself love again, especially after it took your last lover 2 years to take down your walls.

  40. At 40 years old, after years of searching i found the woman of my dreams…..she was everything i’d ever dreamed of, we were together for 2 years, the only problem being that she was from a different country, a different continent, a different culture….but we were crazy about each other, we planned to make a family. Then she got doubts. Maybe she always had doubts but doubts are normal to have no? I told her i would do anything to make it work and to make her happy but her mind was made up…I had to leave and now find myself alone, full of self doubt and fear, miserable and depressed….i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i’m useless right now, driving myself crazy with all of the “ifs”…..

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