Say you or I were having problems with our relationship and we headed off, with our respective partners, to a relationship counselor. How would they advise us to improve our marital satisfaction?
Research suggests that people who are satisfied with their relationships tend to behave more positively towards each other. They expect good things from their partner, avoid blaming each other for mistakes, approach problem-solving positively and forgive each other for those little slip-ups.
Quite naturally, then, a counselor would encourage us to try and cultivate these same positive processes in our relationships.
But what if, for some couples, these positive processes actually make the situation worse, not better, leading to lower marital satisfaction?
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I do not like this article, against my spiritual practices and beliefs. Blame and do not forgive keeps one stuck. I say, look into yourself, relationships mirror our issues. The biggest growth is in relationships. If you are loving, kind and respectful and it dosn’t work, it is not meant to be. Blame is such a cop out.
Very interesting, I’ve known this for years. Now if only my x-wife would have bought onto it. My last x-wife that is!
Leila, I think what you are saying is that your beliefs reflect the highest aspirations for goodness in humans, and that’s admirable. I disagree with your logic about relationships. Everyone comes to adulthood with some kind of maladaptive behavior(s) and, when push comes to shove and they don’t get their way, they pull out the bad behaviors. A spouse who calls names or pouts or stonewalls NEEDS to have the dysfunction of that pointed out and be expected to GROW. Growth is uncomfortable, and it will be messy and often not pretty when two people are involved. Relationships require each person to grow “larger than one’s self,” and when one/two is stuck in “self-centered” behavior that gets in the way of mutual happiness, then the other person has to have the courage to drop the platitudes and care enough about the other person to actually PUSH them out of their comfort zone and be clear about how the bad habits hurt the relationship for both. That doesn’t require giving up the spiritual practices you quote; they are not mutually exclusive. Relationships are hard work.
Marie – I agree. I’ve struggled for awhile with this belief to always forgive and never to blame. Sometimes (I believe often times) there is blame. Period. For example, if a spouse cheats or acts irresponsibly with money, that person is to blame for their actions. Granted, there is probably more to it than the action, but the “blame” lies squarily at the feet of the one who CHOSE to act out. I have an ex-husband that took forgivness as a way of not dealing with the consequences of his behavior. Forgiveness and a positive approach to a problem signeled , to him, that all was good and he could keep doing the same thing over and over because he would always be forgiven and never have to suffer the consequences . . . he’s still doing it!
Gutsy piece, Mr. Dean. Good for you.
I say that this will need balance like everything else. I have a difficult situation which I know needs a bit of both. Know that being positive is a reward as well as a motivator for some just as anger is a strong motivator for others in different situations(when used appropriately). Think good and thoughts and forgive internally knowing that everyone will mess up. Externally, we need to remember so as not to continue the circle of negativity. ** Those who feel like victims don’t get the fact they are perpetrators so being tough with them will always set them off but if you aren’t you might just walk away. **Mentor ship versus You against Me.**
I totally agree. I had grown tired of the constant battles and just ignored bad behavior. My other half then started telling people he never did anything wrong. He is very abusive. And I finally got angry. You wouldn’t advise a parent to just forgive a child for negative behavior and not tell them they did something wrong. To think that age reflects maturity is wrong.
I like this article! To me, the article is stating that the bottom line to a healthy relationship is honest communication. If your significant other hurts you in some way, they need to know that they hurt you. If you know that problems will indeed arise sometime down the line, you will be more open to solving the problem thoroughly than you would be if you had your head in the clouds the entire time thinking no arguments would ever take place. After all, all couples have disagreements, misunderstandings, and arguments; what’s most important is how you go about solving them.
I think the deeper information here is something that has been astonishing to many, which is that the field of “positive psychology” isn’t turning out to be robust at all. Every week, it seems, more data come in about the usefulness and function of emotions — all emotions, not just the simple and easy ones.
Thanks for posting this!
This research is looking at relatively young relationships. I would sugget reviewing the Gottman research on Mastery Relationships, that is 40 years together AND happy with each other. The summation of that research indicates the need for the following 3 prongs to work on:
Lasting effects in relationship therapy are most likely when interventions are designed with three prongs:
1. To increase everyday positive affect (Not just in the resolution of conflict)
2. To reduce negative affect during conflict resolution
3. To increase positive affect during conflict resolution
That is based on 25 years of research on hundreds of couples. This is an orientation, a path to a mastery of relationship, and does not rule out the reality of learning through failure. The blame game never works … just muddies communication with defensiveness … I have found Gottman’s training to be much more useful for couples than what I read in the article.
I would be interested in learning what the author of this piece of writing would say the goal of marriage is. Then with that foundation understood, the thoughts coming from what we are to do with conflict may shift a bit.
I agree with this article. So often, we’ve been taught to tip-toe around the little issues and brush things under the rug, just so that we can remain positive to our partners. Enter the new millenium and it’s time for people to get real and honest about their needs, being respected and frankly, if YOU broke the pickle jar, for g-d’s sake, you are to blame and you do need to take responsibility for it!!
Certainly a modern approach to relationships and rather refreshing
I agree with the point about high expectations leading to disapointment.
I have generally had low expectations of peoples behavior at jobs that don’t mean that much to me, that I’m only doing for the money. I’m never surprised or disappointed by peoples behavior in these jobs and stay a long time.
On the other hand I am quite idealistic and have had expectations of near perfection in organic gardening and far-left political groups: I’ve always been bitterly disappointed by these groups and only lasted a short time with great difficulty.
I am normally pretty good at solving/smoothing problems out diplomatically, but in these situation I was so disillusioned (by probably quite minor offences) all my normal problem resolution skills were unavailable, all I could do was get out.
(These are not examples from marital relationships but I expect it is the same phenomenon).
The line Forgiving someone often leads them to feel less guilty about their behavior and, consequently, provides fewer disincentives for them to behave the same way in the future… seems to agree with what I think about forgiveness. I know from experience that other people, once they know you forgive them, they think they have a license to keep hurting you, but when I say that I have a couple of religious nuts and Pollyanna people tell me that it’s not true. In this world, someone will always backstab and hurt you; the problem is that you don’t know who.
Its funny that some researcher can survey less than 300 couples over a set period of years and then assume this type of unforgiving and blaming game is the way to go for every couple in the entire world. You dont need to be a scientist or preacher to understand that not looking at yourself and owning your own actions is a set up for no personal growth. I dont personally place any stock in this type of psychology.
Being a positive person and keeping in mind common wisdom can be helpful, is helpful, but being intelligent, studying up on relationships and then being a realist to what your seeing, experiencing from someone is more important. Sometimes what you see is what you get and no delusional positive spin will change that. Doing so is akin to walking on thin ice or into a house on fire.
Too many people misunderstand and incorrectly define forgiveness and blame. Forgiveness is not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. Anymore than blame should be a broken record of daily accusations and remember-when’s but these are usually the traps people fall into when using them.
Blame and forgiveness can pack a lot of power and transform a marriage, but only if used correctly.
Frankly, no marriage, just as any individual, can be cookie-cuttered with there being some sort of ‘ideal’ and/or guarantee. I read these results with interest but at the same time hold them out between two pinched fingers like a foul smelling pair of socks. Too many will take these to heart and assume they will work for them, to disastrous results.