I have been in the single arena, and it is an arena, for nearly a year. In this time frame I have learned, lost, cried and felt elation, all at varying levels. How does a woman know when the guy actually likes her? How does a woman know what to say or do and not seem crazy? The answers are there are no answers.
Sometimes one person may feel a connection when the other does not. Sometimes we come across potential partners who are super-sexy, successful and have that “catch me if you can” attitude. They’re not worth running after if they won’t run right after you too.
Dating is hard. But I think the key to positive dating is to attempt to remain objective as possible. I know this is nearly impossible for some and I am guilty of it. Many of us have hopes and ideas of that perfect person crossing our path and leading us into at least a long, comfortable relationship, if not marriage.
With that said, I have decided to write about some ways to save your self-esteem while dating.
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what a great list. Have photocopied and stuck on the wall as I begin the dubious and risky business of attempting to meet someone on line
Hi elixabelle, I wish you all the best and good luck!
For online dating, I’ve found weopia helps with finding better matches for real dates.
I can’t stand it when self-proclaimed “experts” give that God-awful advice– to “Be yourself”.
Duh, just about everyone know how to do that. If being oneself worked, the advice would not be necessary in the first place. It is proof positive that the person giving the advice shouldn’t be giving it, as this sort of trite simplistic bromide demonstrates that the giver doesn’t have a clue as to how to help the recipient.
You’re assuming that the other person doesn’t have specific criteria as to what they are looking for. Sorry to burst your Pollyanna bubble, but people want what they want when they want it. And if you aren’t it, they move on.
You have to be your best self, and if your best self isn’t good enough, be better. Be the person that other people want to be around.
I would suggest the best way to date is not to date at all – and I’m being serious. I’m 49 and have been celibate for 16 years after a 13 year marriage ended. I learned to be happy as a singleton first before I started dating again and now I can’t be anyone but myself even if I try.
Once you’ve learned to stop sitting in negative judgement on yourself you can then learn to clearly observe what really goes on in the dating world when you enter it again. It isn’t a pretty sight.
First thing I did was take up a Dating for Men course (well, I’d made some big mistakes during my early years and wanted to see if it could improve my judgement). The basic ‘advanced’ outcomes were ‘be true to yourself and act like a real man’ and ‘the difference is indifference’ – in other words act like you don’t really care. The third tip was use ‘cocky and funny’ communication methods.
It dawned on me this was how I behaved anyway I just needed to see that.
I entered the dating world and got lots of dates and then found I didn’t like the behaviour of the women I was dating. They were rude; they chose men on the basis of what their pals thought not on how they interacted with you and quite a lot of them had become ‘professional daters’ – one lady told me she had dated a new guy every day for the past 10 years.
I realised it wasn’t that I didn’t get dating – it was that I didn’t want what I was getting.
In 9 months of dating I met fewer potential mates than I did in my day to day life by doing absolutely nothing.
The rule of thumb I use now is would they make good friends? Do they act like friends do? Are they trustworthy; do we make each other feel happier? Do we admire each other’s personality?
I think if you want to actually meet a lifelong partner you have to take a long-term approach. Dating might get you mating with a stranger – it rarely finds true love.
In my view all this harsh ‘self-esteem’ bashing we have to go through in dating means you end up with something you don’t really want. It’s full of lies. Why bother?
elixabelle- I wish you luck. I have found that being on a more casual website, such as one that doesn’t focus on just daying, works more. There’s less pressure to find someone that you like.