Should you go from boyfriend and girlfriend to roommates?

According to the CDC, more and more couples are cohabiting. About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together.

This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility. So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you?

Here are seven things to consider.

1. Young adults are taking longer to be financial independent. 

More and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer. 

The average lifespan for people live continues to increase. This means that to commit yourself to a person when you’re 25 years old mean you’re most likely committing yourself to at least a 50-year marriage if you stay together as a couple. Do you really want to be committed to one person for the next 50 or more years? Living together first can really give you a better perspective of what your significant other is really like.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life. 

The person that satisfies you when you’re in your 20s, may not be the same person who satisfies you in your 30s and beyond. You will likely find that your needs and preferences will change as you mature, and you may want someone different for your life partner as you continue your metamorphosis.

4. You will undergo many changes throughout your life. 

This is connected to the previous point, but speaks to the idea that both of you will change. The hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction, but you may mature in opposite directions. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

5. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

There used to be evidence that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more likely to divorce than couples who didn’t. New research shows that this is no longer true. While living together won’t hurt your chances of having a successful marriage, it doesn’t help them either. It seems living together has no predictive effect on whether or not your marriage will last.

This is because while living together does provide the experience of what it will be like to live day-to-day with a person, it won’t prepare you for the specific marriage-related expectations that most of us have. Living together allows you to access behavioral patterns, while being married elicits an often entirely different set of behaviors and expectations. So living together really can’t necessarily be considered a dress rehearsal for marriage.

6. The social stigma is disappearing. 

There was a time not too long ago when living together without the benefit of marriage was cause for scandal. You still likely have grandparents and possibly great-grandparents who will judge you for living together without being married. However, this is much more acceptable today than it used to be so you likely won’t have to cope with the shame and blame those who came before you did.

7. It will save money. 

One of the best reasons I know for cohabiting, particularly in our present financial environment, is that one household is less expensive to maintain than two. If you want to live independently from your parents and can’t afford it, get a roommate. Often this roommate turns out to be your romantic partner. Saving money on bills is one thing, but please consider your exit strategy so it doesn’t end up costing you more in the long run.

Without an exit strategy, you may find yourself homeless. You may find yourself in the difficult situation of asking your “roommate” to leave when things aren’t working out. You may find you are spending lots of money should you quickly have to find alternative living arrangements. Will you move back home with your parents, find your own apartment, try to afford the one you already have on your salary alone, find a new roommate?

These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

• The Moving-In-Together Survival Guide
• What They Don’t Tell You About Moving In Together
• Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? [VIDEO]

According to LiveScience, the CDC reports that more and more couples are co-habiting.

About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together. This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility.

So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Here are a few things to consider.

1. It’s cheaper, and young adults are taking longer to obtain financial independence.

One of the best reasons I know for cohabiting, particularly in our present financial environment, is that one household is less expensive to maintain than two. If you want to live independently from your parents and can’t afford it, get a roommate. Often this roommate turns out to be your romantic partner. Saving money on bills is one thing, but please consider your exit strategy so it doesn’t end up costing you more in the long run.

Also, more and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer.

The average lifespan for people live continues to increase. This means that to commit yourself to a person when you’re 25 years old mean you’re most likely committing yourself to at least a 50-year marriage if you stay together as a couple. Do you really want to be committed to one person for the next 50 or more years? Living together first can really give you a better perspective of what your significant other is really like.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life.

The person that satisfies you when you’re in your 20s, may not be the same person who satisfies you in your 30s and beyond. You will likely find that your needs and preferences will change as you mature, and you may want someone different for your life partner as you continue your metamorphosis.

You both will undergo many changes throughout your life, but the hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction. However, you may mature in opposite directions, too. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

4. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

There used to be evidence that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more likely to divorce than couples who didn’t. New research shows that this is no longer true. While living together won’t hurt your chances of having a successful marriage, it doesn’t help them either. It seems living together has no predictive effect on whether or not your marriage will last.

This is because while living together does provide the experience of what it will be like to live day-to-day with a person, it won’t prepare you for the specific marriage-related expectations that most of us have. Living together allows you to access behavioral patterns, while being married elicits an often entirely different set of behaviors and expectations. So living together really can’t necessarily be considered a dress rehearsal for marriage.

5. The social stigma is disappearing.

There was a time not too long ago when living together without the benefit of marriage was cause for scandal. You still likely have grandparents and possibly great-grandparents who will judge you for living together without being married. However, this is much more acceptable today than it used to be so you likely won’t have to cope with the shame and blame those who came before you did.

Without an exit strategy, you may find yourself homeless. You may find yourself in the difficult situation of asking your “roommate” to leave when things aren’t working out. You may find you are spending lots of money should you quickly have to find alternative living arrangements. Will you move back home with your parents, find your own apartment, try to afford the one you already have on your salary alone, find a new roommate? These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

• The Moving-In-Together Survival Guide
• What They Don’t Tell You About Moving In Together
• Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? [VIDEO]

One of the most interesting aspects of my work as a therapist is how much I learn from my clients. Years ago, I worked with a young woman who was struggling to find a happy, healthy relationship. She easily, breezily summarized her challenge:

“My sorority sisters say my problem is that I keep dating candy bars when what I really need is an apple. Their advice makes perfect sense.  A candy bar looks so good when you first see it, and I crave it with passion, but whenever I have it, I end up feeling sick. I know that apples are much healthier, but I don’t crave them with the same sense of longing.”

This succinct summary of her dating pattern is one I observe time and time again among both men and women who claim all they want is a happy relationship, and they lament that this wish is never fulfilled. And yet, when exploring their dating history in more detail, they will frequently admit to a pattern of actively choosing unavailable or otherwise unsuitable partners.

The psychological theories related to this phenomenon are quite interesting. One theory says that a happy, reliable relationship is not something that is familiar and so it makes someone uncomfortable. Freud, on the other hand, might wonder if the client is unconsciously repeating a painful pattern from the past with a fantasy that he or she might fix it and therefore heal old wounds.

According to this theory, such fantasies are rarely successful and usually involve compulsively repeating something painful from the past and opening and re-living old wounds. Behavioral theory talks about learned behavior. Cognitive theory explores how one’s thoughts about one’s self and others play into the relationship experience. Regardless of the theoretical approach a therapist uses to explore why the pattern occurs and how to change it, the language of candy bars and apples is a compelling way to begin the conversation.

Many times, the stated problem in therapy is, in fact, the opposite of what a client claims. In other words, if someone says they are in pain as they long for an intimate relationship, they may actually mean they are terrified to be in a close and committed relationship. Fortunately, my client gave me permission to share the metaphor of candy bars and apples with others. When I presented this concept to another client she shook her head and replied:

“That’s me, an over-eating candy bar addict! If I date a functional man I can literally feel the walls closing in around me … I secretly love unavailable men. I love to look like the good one dating the mess. That way when things fall apart no one blames me. Also, you can’t fear having the rug pulled out from you when there is no rug.”

What are signs you are dating a candy bar? While inconsistency, cruelty or unavailability are obvious signs, the best way to determine for sure is to write down the five qualities that are most important to you in a partner. Then think about the last five people you dated. Highlight the qualities you claim to be important that are not present in those you dated. The greater number of these qualities that are lacking, the greater likelihood that you are dating candy bars.

If you discover you tend to choose candy bars over apples, keep in mind you are therefore playing an active role in your unsatisfactory relationships. Choosing an unsuitable partner can be just as destructive as being an unsuitable partner. If you own your part in the problematic pattern, you can begin to practice dating apples and slowly train yourself to adjust to a new and healthier dating diet.

I say “train” intentionally as making any significant change — diet or otherwise — involves hard work, commitment, discomfort and persistence that is similar to training for a marathon. Apples might taste strange at first, but if you stick with it and push through the discomfort, you will notice, with time and hard work, that you will begin to crave them. Before you know it, you will want to delete candy bars from you diet. Good riddance!

Want to read more about candy bars and apples? There’s a full chapter devoted to this concept in my book, “Overcoming Your Parents’ Divorce.” Visit www.elisabethlamotte.com to learn more or follow @elisjoy.

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Amy told me about a recent conversation with the man she thought she wanted to marry:

“Am I the crazy one here? Why do I feel needy and desperate when I talk to him all of a sudden? I thought he loved me! I don’t get it. He practically lives with me and I’ve never even seen his place! I’ve never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to win me over. He took me on some amazing dates and made love to me in ways I never even thought possible! I fell in love with him! I love him!

But when I suggested we have dinner with my parents, I didn’t hear from him for a week! He disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the heck? I don’t even know where he was for the last week. He travels a lot for work… But before this, he’d call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he called me Sunday night to say he’s “not ready” to meet my parents. He says, ‘Can’t we just keep things like they were? I love you, baby, but I really like things the way they are now. Why do you have to screw it up?’”

Sound familiar? Amy is dealing with a man who suffers from commitment-phobia and a deep fear of intimacy.

His own negative self-beliefs about commitment, love and relationships will guarantee that this relationship won’t last. He has no intention of making a commitment to her, and now that she is asking for a little more, he’s finding reasons to back away. My best bet is that he will sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.

So, what are the signs of a commitment-phobe? See if any of these ring a bell for you:

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time.  Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

2. You haven’t met each other’s friends, family and/or co-workers.Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won’t know what their work life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends.

3. You haven’t seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room. Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a way-station to shower, change clothes and sleep on those rare occasions they can’t stay with you.

4. He’s attentive and charming when you’re together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

5. He’s a last-minute planner. Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of his normal mode of operation he’s going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he’ll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

6. You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. In Amy’s situation he blamed her for “screwing it up” just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won’t want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you’ve never seen before in him.

7. He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship? If so, share your experience in the comments below. I’ll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

Larry Cappel is a trained relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He can be reached through his website if you’d like to talk about any aspect of your relationship.

I’m here to help. Call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. You can also sign up for my monthly health and wellness bulletin. My passion is to helping people to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

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You’ve seen the pictures of men and women of the military rushing off planes and buses to greet their spouses and children. The smiles, the tears, the hugs and the fanfare warm the heart and cause tears to flood the eyes.

But what happens after the cameras are put away? What happens after the homecoming festivities are over? Do things go back to pre-deployment state or are they forever changed?

As a clinical psychologist who served in the United States Air Force, and as the spouse of an active duty Marine, I can personally and professionally report that for many, the homecoming is harder than the goodbye.

Military families are strong and resilient. They are masters at organization and pulling oneself up by the proverbial bootstraps. The spouse left behind when the active duty member deploys becomes “the one.” The one who grocery shops, the one who mows the lawn, the one who gets the children ready for their day and the one who puts them to bed, the one who handles calling the plumber and the cable person, who takes care of the laundry, who fixes the flat tire, who kisses the kids’ boo-boos.

The family remaining at home anxiously awaits a 30-second phone call or two minute Facetime session. They obsessively check their email.  They count down the days until they get to once again meet and greet their military loved one, get to witness the fanfare and get to settle back into old routines.

What many do not expect upon homecoming is that old routines are now obsolete. Everyone has fundamentally changed. The military member has been exposed to many life-and-death situations. They have faced a myriad of stressful circumstances. They have closed off part of their emotional abilities in order to get through the deployment.

Meanwhile, the ones who stayed at home have become the one who handles it all. They too have closed off part of their emotional capacity in order to get through the deployment. They have pondered life if their loved ones do not come home. They have experienced a myriad of emotions and stressful situations. They have most likely mastered the most complex of school, work and home schedules.

Pre- and post-deployment briefings discuss the likelihood that becoming reacquainted with loved ones takes time (I distinctly remember one briefing saying 2-3 weeks). They explain the one returning may have trouble sleeping, may appear hypervigilant and may drink to excess to calm down. These briefings (many of which I gave) did not include the fact that when your loved one returns your grocery bill will triple. They did not account for laundry quadrupling. They did not address the process of going from “being the one” to again “being two.” They do not prepare military families for the difficulties in reestablishing bonds and trying to be patient in re-learning one another’s strengths and weaknesses.

They did not account for the mixed feelings of relief your loved one is home, resentment they have a hard time acclimating to being home, and jumping right back into familyhood would be a process … a very long process. Right when you get it to where you want it to be, another deployment happens.

Military families are in a constant state of adjustment. If you, a loved one or friend, find the welcome home is not all it’s cracked up to be, help is available. Military One Source is an excellent resource. Tricare allows for up to eight sessions for military dependents to see a mental health professional without needing a referral.

Many MTFs (military treatment facilities) will authorize the active duty member to be seen off base due to limited availability of service and many prior military providers are now civilians, ready and willing to help. Chaplains and Military Family Life Consultants are available on base. Setting realistic expectations for homecomings will help as well.

More life advice from YourTango:

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This guest article from YourTango was written by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Falling in love can be amazing! The excitement of meeting someone new brings out the best in all of us; the journey ahead feels like an open road full of possibility.

But then something happens: Either the relationship starts to feel stale, or perhaps money issues, kids, or trying to figure out a comfortable work-life balance comes into play. Whatever the cause, the initial spark dims or goes out altogether, and the future of your relationship becomes a long and winding road, full of pit stops and flat tires.

Well, don’t worry because this happens to everyone. All it means is that it’s time for a tune-up.

You see, we spend a lot of time and energy finding our perfect mates. By the time we say “I do,” we assume (and fervently hope) that the work is over. The idea of having to spend time working on your marriage may seem strange or even depressing, but it’s worth it! Even if it feels like your whole marriage needs an overhaul, deepening your relationship doesn’t have to be a grueling process. With the right tools, the suffering can end.

One of the best ways to help your marriage is to ensure you’re thinking about it the right way. After working with thousands of couples — and on our own marriage — we’ve distilled some essential truths that help couples keep their relationships fresh as they navigate the life-long experience of growing real love:

1. Conflict is growth trying to happen.

Most people believe that if you’re having problems in your marriage, you’re with the wrong person. So, when conflict gets heated and gnarly, they wonder if it’s time to bail … and it’s not! Rather, if you’re willing to work with the conflict, there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for you right around the corner. The key is learning how to work with conflict creatively – in ways that help both you and your partner grow. Plus, just changing your perspective so that you view conflict as an opportunity, an indicator that it’s time to grow, can help ease the troubles you ‘re having.

2. It’s not him; it’s you.

Ninety percent of the upset you feel with your partner comes from your past. It’s true! So, stop blaming your partner. We know that it’s hard to do — especially when you feel miserable and it seems as though the source of your misery is, well, that annoying person you’re married to. But here’s the thing: We fall head over heels in love with someone who is similar to our parents, which is a mysterious design that holds the potential for deep, abiding connection – once you get past all the squabbling. So, the next time you feel your blood boiling, remind yourself: This feeling has more to do with my past than my partner!

3. A laugh a day keeps the divorce lawyer away.

Sometimes we’re so busy working on our relationships that we actually forget to enjoy them. And what’s the point of doing all of that work if you’re not having fun with your partner? Using humor and joy is critical to a couple’s happiness together. Now, this doesn’t mean you get to dust off your passive-aggressive tendencies and use “humor” to zing your partner with little digs or critiques. What it means is that you have our permission to go out and have fun. So, create fun times together by mixing things up a little. Try dance lessons, improv, a cooking class.

When we decided to bring the fun back into our relationship, we cooked a whole meal together wearing Groucho Marx glasses. Of course we felt silly — and that was the whole point!

4. Want to spice up your relationship? Ditch all negativity!

Why are we so inclined to focus on what’s bad instead of what’s good? Every relationship (including ours, once upon a time) contains at least some negativity, and the amount of negativity in a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of trouble it’s in. Negativity includes any/all words, tone of voice, facial expressions and/or behavior your partner says feels negative to him/her. And yes, rolling your eyes counts.

You see, negativity is like rat poison; nothing can grow in it! So, if you want your relationship to grow, you’ve got to get rid of all negativity. Yes, all of it. We finally did, and in fact, our zero tolerance policy is the single most effective strategy we’ve used to create real love.

These truths can help you become better partners for each other, and to create a marriage full of real, lasting love and a blissful connection.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. are bestselling authors and creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, which is practiced by over 2,000 therapists around the world. Partners in life and work, their newest book Making Marriage Simple distills what they have learned into ten essential and provocative truths about marriage.

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Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.

It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.

3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.

First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across.  If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.

4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.

Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.

5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.

Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.

A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.

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New life sign photo available from Shutterstock

Melissa and Tom (whose names have been changed to protect their privacy) argued as they drove to meet their vocal coach.

“Why do you want to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings?” she asked. “It’s such a cliché, and I’ll never hear the end of it from my Dad.”

“You’re not doing much better with that Shania Twain song,” Tom rebutted, “Everyone’s going to hear it and remember that Shania Twain’s husband left her for the assistant. Doesn’t bode well, does it?”

Melissa and Tom were determined to make their June wedding an entertaining event, complete with readings by Melissa’s sisters, both of whom are actresses, and additional music by Tom’s brother, who is a singer/songwriter. Melissa wanted to wear a green dress to symbolize her commitment to environmental issues, but Tom worried that people would think it was strange.

So many details! Should they select chairs by price or comfort? Should they go with freesia or flowers that are more showy? Which kind of champagne should they choose for the toast? Chocolate fountain or Viennese table? And then there are the seating charts.

Tom and Melissa spend their non-working hours fighting about, well, everything wedding-related. Tom is beginning to question whether he really wants to marry Melissa, and Melissa wonders why she never noticed how conventional Tom is. Does he really value his uptight relatives’ opinions about the color of her dress more than he cares about her only opportunity to don her dream dress?

Does their situation sound familiar to you? We’ve all known a Bridezilla or two — women who are so over-the-top about the wedding that they forget about the groom. But what happens to couples that get so lost in wedding planning that they forget to focus on the bigger issue — namely, the marriage that lies ahead?

With that question in mind, here are my “lucky seven” suggestions for getting the focus where it belongs, so that you and your fiancé can get your marriage off to a good start:

1. Relax about the appearances, starting with yourself and your fiance.

This is not the time to drop twenty pounds, become a marathon runner or turn him into a gym rat. My client Emma got engaged to Kurt (both names have been changed), booked a personal trainer for three sessions a week, and began a crash diet. Eight months after the wedding, she came to see me because she wasn’t enjoying her life — just as she hadn’t enjoyed her engagement or her wedding.

Thinking back about her wedding, she said, “I have beautiful wedding pictures, but I wish I’d bagged the trainer and the diet and had fun instead! I was a size zero on my wedding day, and Kurt jokingly referred to me as his incredible shrinking bride. He likes curves, but I was stuck on this idea that if I was the thinnest, blondest bride, I’d be the happiest bride.” She laughs ruefully. “So there I was: the most uptight bride. And poor Kurt! I had him biking thirty miles five days a week to get in shape. Not fun!”

2. The devil is in the details.

Usually that phrase means to pay attention to the details, but if you get stuck in all the wedding details, you’re missing the fun. Is anyone really going to remember whether you had the lavender napkins or the deep purple ones? If they do, that’s their problem! I assure you that beveled edges on the cakestand can’t guarantee a good marriage.

3. Stick to your budget.

Your relationship isn’t going to fail if you get married in a garden or a church instead of a Spanish castle, but regardless of the venue, there are choices all along the way that can either break your budget or respect it. Why start your marriage with the stress of unnecessary debt? The wedding is about your commitment to each other; it’s not proof of your magnificence.

4. Don’t stress over the wedding vows.

Approach your wedding vows as something you want to say to your partner, rather than a proclamation to the world of your love or proof of your brilliance. Steve and Betsy (names changed) spent several weekends camped out at opposite ends of their apartment with writer’s block, trying to compose the perfect wedding vows. Would people think the vows were silly? Were they too emotional? Too unconventional? Too sexist?

I suggested that they talk to each other about what they especially love about each other, something they struggle to accept about each other, and take their vows from that. After all, It’s not for Bartlett’s Quotations; it’s for you and your partner. And since you and your partner are not Tom Hanks winning an Academy Award and using the acceptance speech as a love letter to your partner, take the pressure off and remember that the traditional vows are there for a reason. Alternatively, you can look online for some that fit your style.

5. Think of the reception as a fun party for you to enjoy with your friends and family.

One bride’s father had the idea that the reception should be a cabaret show, and it was his responsibility to keep all the guests entertained. The bride and groom wanted something fun and low-key, not a spectacle that demanded everyone’s attention. They put together a playlist of songs that had meaning for them, ones they knew their older relatives enjoyed, and ones they knew would get people out on the dance floor. They looked at the reception as a fun party, not a place to prove their talent, hipness or anything else.

6. If possible, outsource the planning.

Jane’s mother loves planning parties and was thrilled that Jane and Philip (names changed) gave her the basic idea of what they wanted before turning her loose to be creative. Meanwhile, Eliza and Mark (names changed) couldn’t afford a wedding planner and didn’t have relatives who could pitch in, but they had a group of very talented friends who volunteered to manage the various parts. They gave each friend a budget and free rein.

One friend was a sous chef at a fancy restaurant who volunteered to prepare the food, another one did the flowers, Eliza’s brother sang at the ceremony and had musician friends join him to provide music for the party, and Mark’s sister shot video. If you don’t have a close relative with those talents who’s enthusiastic about taking on the plans, hire a wedding planner.

7. Remember that you and your partner are on the same side!

Your partner may not be as interested in all of the “stuff” as you are, whether it’s registry “stuff” or what type of wedding you have. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong or doesn’t care about you. It just means that he’s not you.

Not everyone has an opinion about everything connected with the wedding. He may be more focused on planning a fun trip and enjoying being together when the whole thing’s done. He may be more interested in marrying you than in being your groom. When you have a difference of opinion or approach, stop and say — aloud, or to yourself — “I think we’ve forgotten we’re on the same team, which is the whole point! Let me do something warm to connect with you.”

These “lucky seven” tips are variations on a theme: It’s the marriage that’s important. If you and your partner can stay on the same side, relax about appearances, compromise and have fun with each other along the way, you’ve learned some of the basics of a satisfying married life!

More marriage advice from YourTango:

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married?

Someone recently asked me about the following:

“My husband has been depressed for months. Now I’m getting depressed, too! Did I catch it from him?”

My answer? Probably. Depression is most certainly contagious.

With that in mind, here are five prominent attributes of depression that make downer moods so easy to catch…

1. The “negative cognitive triad.”

Psychologist Aaron Beck coined the term “negative cognitive triad” to describe three arenas in which depressive thinking is negative. Depressed folks see themselves, others and their futures through dark-colored glasses. For example, Owen was depressed for several months after losing his job. Julie, his wife, felt dragged down by Owen’s constant, negative comments. Owen tried to be more upbeat, but his dialogue was always peppered with self-reproach.

Owen had also become uncharacteristically critical of his wife. As she headed to work feeling good about the way she looked, Owen ended his goodbyes with, “Do you really have to wear so much makeup?” As to his future, Owen would say, “I’m sure I’ll never get another job I love as much as the one I lost.” Eventually, Julie began to agree with him. His bad mood brought her down to his emotional level.

2. Negative energy. 

Just walking into a room where Owen was sitting was enough for Julie to feel her energy level sink. Sometimes she avoided talking to him. Even being in the same room with him seemed to let the air out of her proverbial balloon.

3.  Social isolation.

Owen seldom left the house. When the family was home, he’d stay in his room, alone with the TV.

Soon, Julie followed suit and became a virtual shut-in. Bringing Owen with her to social gatherings was too painful. She could see that their friends, who used to love Owen, now avoided him. His dark cloud must have appeared contagious to them as well.

For years, Julie and Owen exercised together. When it became too difficult for Julie to convince Owen to run with her anymore, Julie also stopped running. Running was once a way for Julie and Owen to stay in touch with their neighbors, who also were runners.Increasingly, Julie felt cut off, depressed at the loss of her old, fun, casual friendships.

3. Learned helplessness. 

Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the depressive phenomenon he labeled “learned helplessness.” When people are seriously depressed, trying to do anything feels overwhelming.

For example, for years, Julie and Owen shared household responsibilities. Eventually, however, Owen seemed to have lost his ability to see what needed to be done and take care of it.  He seldom swept the floor no matter how much food the baby had scattered on it. He’d get up from the dinner table and walk into the TV room as if there were no dishes to be cleared from the table.

With all the work of childcare and keeping up a household falling into her lap, Julie felt overwhelmed and helpless.

4. Dominant-submissive interactions.

An episode of depression is usually triggered by a dominant-submissive interaction, like being criticized or told what to do, or by a decision in which someone submissively gives up on what they wanted.  Owen had known for a while that the hostile relationship he had with his boss was likely to get him fired. One final flare-up did the tric, and Owen was the clear loser.

As Owen’s depression continued, his wife became wary of doing anything that might make it worse. This concern led her to say “Yes” far too often when she really wanted to say “No” — “Yes, I can clean up the kitchen;” “Yes, I’ll cancel our plans to go out with friends.”

Each time Owen and Julie made a decision together where one had to concede something of importance to him/her, more depression was the by-product.

5. It’s treatable. 

The good news is that depression is highly treatable. Psychotherapy, medications or both can make a significant difference. My experience as a therapist has clarified that couples therapy and/or a marriage education program is particularly high-impact for depressed people who are in ongoing relationships. Recovery brings light back into your life. The main goal of all therapy for depression is for internal feelings of empowerment, optimism and positive energy to return, lifting depression’s dark cloud for everyone.

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, an interactive website that teaches the skills for marriage success.

More from YourTango:

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married?
• Way Too Many Married Couples Kiss Less Than Once A Week

This guest article from YourTango was written by Moushumi Ghose.

I have a good friend who hasn’t had a girlfriend in the ten years that I’ve known him.

He and I talk a lot about sex and relationships, and half of the time, he cannot keep a straight face, almost like a teenager, embarrassed by our honest, mature conversations. Other times, we have these very insightful conversations about love, life and relationships. We talk about the breakdown of monogamy in modern society and the fallacy of marriage — things I love to discuss.

Recently he admitted that he’s afraid of letting his guard down, afraid of rejection, afraid of getting his heart broken into pieces, of liking someone more than she likes him. We always talk about the downsides of relationships, but the bottom line is that while I have been in relationships for the last 20 years, he has been single for at least 12.

He is afraid of relationships for very different reasons than I’ve ever been. Historically, I’ve been afraid of losing my independence or yielding to someone who takes the relationship and me for granted too soon. He is afraid of rejection. I guess it’s the same difference, though. I guess we have all been reluctant to trust others at some time in our lives.

But then, more was revealed. I surmised that he went for the less attractive girls to boost his self esteem so he wouldn’t get rejected. He agreed. He admitted he would give girls his number despite having no intention of ever following up, except perhaps for sex. His fear of commitment is actually a fear of rejection. Deep down he would love to be loved, appreciated and understood, but he fears rejection from the girls he is most attracted to.

So instead, he throws little bits out there to the ones he is really attracted to but then runs away, thereby avoiding rejection. He flirts and gives his phone numbers to girls he has no intention of calling, unless its just for sex. He says he is happy being single, and for the most part he really truly is. Because single is safe. Single is free. Single is fun. And, in his case, single has the upper hand.

He has also said that when he falls for someone, he falls really hard, and he doesn’t want to be the one who falls harder than the other. He’s afraid of losing himself, afraid of losing control, afraid of losing the upper hand, afraid of rejection and, in return, he gets his needs met by having one-night stands and “f*ck buddies,” no-strings-attached and “friends with benefits” scenarios.

I call this a fear of commitment — and he is not alone. Fear of commitment is just a self-protective mechanism, a tough exterior, a mask made for the manliest of men (and lotsa ladies too) to hide from and — in some case  — bury the sensitive, vulnerable side which ultimately must reveal itself in order to fully give and receive love in a way that truly matters.

Fear of commitment also happens within relationships where one or both partners hold back, refuse to give themselves fully, always wearing their protective shields. What an uncomfortable place to be, I think. What a lonely, empty space. Sure, being vulnerable is scary but there is relief in finally letting your guard down.

Dealing With Your Fear of Commitment

How do I deal with my fear of commitment? It’s not an easy journey; it’s not something that changes overnight, but with conscious efforts , we can get closer to letting go, closer to surrender. After all, a fear of commitment is nothing more than a fear of letting oneself go.

This list is not exhaustive and is not just for him; it’s for me and everyone else who has held back whether in a relationship or outside of one. This is for everyone who wants a real, supportive, loving relationship that fosters growth and independence, which fosters staying in the present, kindness, safety and peace and ultimately a relationship which really and truly works for you.

1. Stop asking for phone numbers from girls you don’t intend to call.

This is so dishonest. Your self-protective, scared-to-death ego with all its games and masks have got the real you buried so deep under all that muck that if the real thing came and knocked on your door, you’d be too messed up to see it or know it. For everyone else, this means recognizing all the behaviors you do to make yourself feel good in the moment, which really don’t serve you any real purpose in the end, than perhaps breaking a bunch of hearts or making yourself unhappy.

2. Stop lying to yourself. 

What are you telling yourself versus what is going on in a deeper level? Do you constantly compare yourself to your friends in relationships and size them up and compare your single life to theirs? What purpose does this serve? Are you building a case? Are you doing this solely to make yourself feel better? What do their relationships mean to you? Everyone’s idea of relationships may be different.

I recognize many people follow the crowd when it comes to monogamous relationships. I tend to feel suffocated by the expectations based on societal assumptions. And while this may work for many other people, it doesn’t work for me, and that is okay. This doesn’t mean you have to disregard relationships all together. Yes, this may mean finding a partner for you is more of a challenge but that is quite a different thing than just saying, “I love being single,” if it’s only half true. Finding the relationships that work for you may just mean recognizing that you can work towards creating what works for you. It doesn’t just happen.

3. Get your self-esteem boost in ways that don’t involve other people’s feelings.

Go to the gym, write a book, join an art class, what are you good at? What do you love to do? Get out there and do it. Whether people accept you or reject you doesn’t change who you are. If what people think about you is something you struggle with, then you a lot less likely to let go. The irony of this is that you are the most critical judge. So judge yourself on the things you do have control of.

4. Take care of yourself.

This means eating healthy, possibly avoiding alcohol, drugs, caffeine or sugar, getting exercise, getting fresh air, spending time with caring, kind individuals and, most of all, relaxing.

When you meet someone interesting and you are not catering to your ego, your lies, your self protective mechanisms and games of shunning all relationships, when you are working on yourself to get what you need, you will naturally be more relaxed, more creative, more of a problem-solver, more at ease and less worried about clinging to your walls. You’re more likely to smile and be yourself.

Moushumi Ghose is a Los Angeles based Sex Therapist. Please visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com. She is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon. Moushumi is the co-host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to sex, dating, and relationships.

More commitment phobia advice from YourTango:

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• 5 Facts That Prove Men Aren’t All Commitment-Phobes

Relationship addiction might be called “the hidden epidemic.” You could be a love or relationship addict without even knowing it because your symptoms are only triggered by a certain type of person. You might be a sucker for the mysterious, silent, withholding type or the demanding, controlling type or the impulse-driven, pleasure seeker. If you have ever thought, ‘this relationship is not good for me but I can’t keep myself from going back,’ it might be time to recognize you’re addicted to love.

I was inspired to write this article after reading about the highly publicized romance between superstars Chris Brown and Rihanna.

As I read about their on-again-off-again relationship and their public feuds, including his beating and bruising her several years ago, I can’t help but think about so many other young romantics who, in seeking true love, find only a dramatization of their inner conflicts.

If I were to counsel these young lovers, I would start by asking them to look honestly at the value and purpose of relationships in their lives: What need or value does this relationship serve for you? Are you in it because of the amazing chemistry? Are you in this relationship to avoid being alone? Or would you like a relationship that inspires you to be the best person you can be … or one where you feel safe enough to be vulnerable so you can heal and grow?

Many of us, when seeking a meaningful relationship, forget to ask these basic questions. We think it should all come naturally if we’re really in love. Well, if this is your belief, I have bad news — not everyone who feels like your soulmate is right for you. Maybe they lack the basic communication skills needed to negotiate differing needs and expectations. If you are with someone who gets so threatened by the fact you sometimes want one thing while he wants a different thing — so threatened he will harass you or even threaten you until you agree, this relationship is not going to be good for you.

Take the following Love Addict Quiz. It will help you start paying more attention to any tendency you might have for getting into unhealthy relationships.

1. Are you in a break up and then make up cycle with a romantic partner?

2. Do you often think to yourself that this person is not good for you?
3. Do any of your close friends tell you that this person is not good for you?
4. After you two have been apart for a few days, do you get to a point where you feel empty or lost without this person?
5. During the days immediately following a breakup with this person, do you experience difficulty sleeping, eating, or carrying out other self-care activities?
6. Do you need emotional intensity in order to feel alive?
7. Do you feel “high” when the two of you re-connect after a fight or a falling out?

If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, I suggest you take a serious look at yourself and your current relationship. If you need emotional intensity, for example, I ask you to look at what you might be avoiding with this pattern: Are you avoiding feeling ordinary? Do you have a need to feel special as a compensation for deeper feelings of insecurity?

Can you locate the source of your insecurity? What do you fear, specifically? Do you fear being alone, being rejected, being insignificant? If you can feel even a bit of this fear here and now, do any memories come up — possibly of a time someone important to you rejected you? If you can actually feel a bit of this fear intentionally and with compassionate awareness, this is a first step to healing this fear. Learning to feel painful feelings with compassion toward yourself allows you to dip into these feelings while you are in control — as opposed to needing these feelings to get triggered unconsciously by a lover.

If you tend to feel empty or lost without your lover or if you are obsessed with worries about the relationship, you probably have a deep-seated fear of abandonment or of being alone. If this is your issue, I recommend allowing yourself to experience the “alone” feelings triggered by the relationship but in very small doses.

And do this with intention, with the conscious aim of touching into your pain from a wiser, more loving place in yourself — a place that knows it’s okay to experience emotional pain, a place that realizes a certain amount of “fear of loss” is normal when you love someone.

Most dysfunctional relationship patterns arise out of the need to stay unconscious about our normal fears and about the normal emotional discomfort we feel when differences arise. When we just can’t stand any emotional discomfort, like when we have to have our own way in a relationship, that’s when we get into inappropriate relationships that force us to feel our hidden fears and insecurities — even to the point of dramatizing these.

You can have it all in love: both hot sex and healthy love. You do not have to choose between being passionately in love and being a cooperative team. But to achieve this, you need to realize that if your current relationship is unhealthy, you need to take an honest look at how you tend to avoid what I call, “the normal discomforts of relationship.” Dealing with differences is uncomfortable, yes. But to avoid dealing with your differences in a relationship can only create needless suffering or what we might call, “the unnecessary dramas of relationship.”

More on abusive relationships from YourTango:

• 3 Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship
• 6 Warning Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship
• 5 Steps To Escaping An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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The challenges facing a person who is married or in a relationship with someone who has untreated Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD or ADHD) can be difficult to navigate.

These challenges may be completely hidden to the rest of the world. No one seems to understand what you struggle with. Your spouse is such a “great guy” and may appear “together” to everyone else.

This article attempts to address some of the predictable patterns that one may experience being married to someone with ADD or ADHD and why it creates such difficulty. 

Being married to someone with untreated ADD is often fraught with a predictable progressive pattern that goes from happy to confused to angry, and finally, to hopeless. How does this happen and why is this so predictable in couples whose spouses have untreated ADD or ADHD?

In an attempt to answer that question let’s look at some of the patterns that typically come up in these kinds of relationships.  It is important to recognize the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, especially if you suspect your relationship might struggle due to this disorder.

In the beginning phase of the courtship between you and your ADD spouse, you may have been completely swept off your feet or ravished with both attention and affection, while being the primary focus of your partner’s life. His “hyperfocus” on the relationship probably felt intoxicating and romantic. But, this feeling faded over time.

When someone with ADD enters into a new romantic relationship, the initial excitement feels so stimulating to the ADD brain (which is being flooded with adrenaline and endorphins) that it causes the person to completely turn their attention to you. However, this kind of excitement diminishes over time, along with the adrenaline rush as the ADD spouse looks elsewhere for stimulation.

Of course, this is not conscious on his part, and he may not even be aware that this has happened. However, as time goes on, the non-ADD partner may experience the following seven feelings associated with his/her spouse’s need to find stimulation in places outside of the marital relationship:

1. A sense of rejection. Individuals with ADD may often be distracted and find it difficult to pay attention to their partner. This may lead you to feel neglected or it may be interpreted as disinterest on the part of your spouse.

2. Loneliness. If your partner seems disinterested in what you are saying or appears to ignore you, it would be easy to understand that one might feel lonely.

3. Feeling ignored. Partners of individuals with ADD often get the feeling that all their good advice and suggestions are not taken to heart. This may cause the non – ADD partner to feel ignored, disrespected or offended.

4. Frustration or anger. The same kinds of problems keep presenting themselves over and over again. It is difficult to understand how you can have discussions around a problem, think that you are being understood and still the same problem persists.

Resentment and anger become pervasive when one feels disregarded, disrespected, ignored and often alone in the relationship. Some spouses will become irate and scream at their partner, while others will shut down and block all emotions. This will leave a partner in the cold. Either way, one can see how this pattern becomes increasingly destructive.

5. Exhaustion. As the non-ADD spouse tries to compensate for the lack of equal sharing or follow through in responsibilities, you can often feel depleted. As if no amount of effort seems to resolve these same issues that continue to plague your marriage.

Due to the inconsistency in your spouse’s ability to follow through and remember to do things, the feelings of being burdened with more of your fair share of responsibilities can create more feelings of stress.

6. A sense of hopelessness. When one’s best effort to resolve these problems go nowhere, the sense of sadness and lack of hope may pervade the relationship and lead to a separation or divorce. 

There is hope. With understanding and knowledge, one can transcend these feelings and find a new way of being in the relationship. Learning all you can about ADD and how it affects your partner is vital. It is important to remember that even though your partner may no longer be hyper-focused on you and your relationship, that does not mean he does not still love you.

Since he probably isn’t even aware that your relationship has changed, he might not understand why you are always so angry and demanding. Your increasing frustration, anger and demands only further damage any chances of communication or intimacy, as your partner feels that he can never please you and that he is not enough.

He might feel unloved. Patterns of frustration and anger can be avoided when both partners understand the way the ADD symptoms are affecting your marriage. You must learn different behaviors to heal these kinds of wounds through education, communication and counseling.

More marriage advice from YourTango Experts: 

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married? [VIDEO]

For more articles and help with these kinds of issues, please visit my blog at addadults.net/blog.

Tragedy strikes and we wonder what happened. How can a talented country singer with two small children take her own life?

In the aftermath of Mindy McCready’s apparent suicide, many close friends, family members and fans are all asking the same question, “Why?” We can never know for sure why she did it. A better question may be, “How can we help those who are in despair?” How can we prevent others from committing suicide?

First let’s try to understand what may be happening for people who attempt or commit suicide, and then we’ll explore some ways you can help.

The problem: Feeling isolated and alone.

The solution: Spending time with loved ones.

Mindy’s boyfriend died by apparent suicide in the same home in which she lived. Her children had been taken into foster care for their safety. She was home alone where a horrendous trauma had occurred one month prior the night of her death.

Anytime someone is isolated, their thinking can become irrational which may lead to acting on the irrational thinking. People need one another for support. If you are considering suicide, tell someone. If you are a friend of someone considering suicide, stay with him/her, take him/her to a therapist or an emergency room for evaluation. Arrange for someone to stay with the suicidal person so he/she is not alone. Let the suicidal person talk to you, and just listen. Try to understand how much pain he/she in and offer hope after he/she has told his/her story.

The problem: Feeling emotional and/or physical pain.

The solution: Using healthy coping tools. 

Sometimes the feeling of pain is so great people just want to stop feeling. In the moment, they believe ending their life will stop the deep pain. They are not aware of the pain they will leave behind for their friends and family. Feelings are real and they do pass. I don’t know anyone who died by feeling an emotion. People die from taking action in the midst of emotional pain.

Healthy coping tools include deep breathing, meditation, art, exercise, tell your story to someone, journal about the pain, do yoga, go for a walk and get professional help. Friends and family can learn these coping tools too. Use the tools together when you are with your loved one in pain.

The problem: Addiction and mental health problems.

The solution: Seeking professional help.

Alcohol and drug addiction are coping mechanisms to deal with pain of any kind. People learn to cope with the pain by using an addiction. Addicts don’t have healthy tools to deal with emotional pain or they would use them. They rely on a neurochemical called dopamine that activates the brains reward center. The reward center produces chemicals that make us feel better. Instead of using drugs and alcohol, a healthy coping mechanism may be to use a healthy coping tool (see above) to activate the reward center.

Sometimes people have underlying mental health issues like depression, anxiety or a mood disorder that is untreated. Getting treatment can help by identifying these disorders of the brain and stabilizing a person’s mood with medications or intentional coping strategies.

Mindy appeared on the Dr. Drew show Celebrity Rehab in 2009. She had both mental health and addiction issues. Previously, Mindy attempted to take her life in 2005 and in 2008. Multiple attempts at suicide make a person even higher risk for completing a suicide. After the trauma of her boyfriend’s death in January, Mindy had a perfect storm for relapse into addiction. Her children being placed in foster care would also indicate that she had relapsed.

How to Help Someone with Depression Who is Suicidal

Help them get into treatment, arrange for round the clock supervision of the person. Remove all weapons including guns, knives and other sharp objects out of the home. Support for a suicidal person includes listening to their pain story. They don’t need you to fix them. Take an interest in them as a person and remind the suicidal person of their importance as a friend, parent, sister, brother, etc. Let them know their life matters to you. Here are some more tips on how to help someone who is suicidal.

Sometimes a suicide attempt is a cry for help. The person doesn’t really want to die but doesn’t know how to ask for help or is unwilling to receive help. Mindy had many indicators that she was in distress and at risk for suicide. It is clearly a tragedy when anyone takes their own life. Let us all be conscious when those around us are in distress. Sometimes we do the best we can and the person takes their life anyways. It is not your fault, you can’t prevent someone who is intent on harming themselves.

I send blessings of peace and love to those who are survivors of a suicide. Give yourself the gift of community and share your story with others so they can help share the burden you are carrying.

If you would like more information to make your Couple-ship Thrive please sign up for my newsletter. You may also connect with me on my website Teresa Maples LMHC, CSAT and on twitter.

More life coach advice from YourTango:

• Life Coaches: Who We Are & What We Do
• What Do Women Want?
• Why Do I Need A Life Coach?

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We’ve all heard the same stories about divorce: the parent who does his best to badmouth his ex, the parent who tries to keep the kids away from the ex as some sort of punishment, the parent who manipulates child support payments. These things do happen and plenty of children are harmed because of these and other divorce-related mistakes.

On the other hand, many parents do divorce right. Lots of parents understand that divorce is terribly hard on their children. These parents try to minimize the trauma every step of the way.

Here are five divorce techniques parents get right…

Doing Right By Your Children When You Get a Divorce

1. Focus on your children.

Your main focus should be on the kids instead of the “stuff,” i.e. the money or your own feelings of anger, sadness or fear.

As much as divorce can be devastating for parents, it is often more so for kids. They may not show signs of trauma in ways the parents would expect, but it doesn’t mean they’re not being traumatized by the people in their lives.

For kids, everything they know and have come to rely on has now been called into question. And sometimes they don’t know which way is up. Parents who focus on the needs of their kids help them work through the confusion and fear that typically come with divorce.

2. Recognize the signs of emotional distress.

Most kids have difficulty discussing their feelings. So, when they are feeling upset, they often act out. This acting out can come in many forms from temper tantrums, to falling grades, to shutting down and isolating, to experimenting with alcohol, drugs and/or sexual promiscuity.

Parents often view divorce as a temporary upheaval or crisis that can be resolved once the divorce is complete and the logistical details have been settled. And for parents, this is often true. But kids view things differently.

There’s nothing temporary about divorce for kids and acting out can take place during, shortly after or long after the divorce has been finalized. Parents who recognize the signs of emotional distress and allow their children the freedom to express their frustration and work through it teach them how to cope with difficult circumstances.

3. Give the kids some control over their own lives.

Let’s face it, everybody wants more control over their own lives and kids are no exception.

While it is not a good idea for parents to allow their children to have 100% control over their lives, it is imperative — especially during or after a divorce — that kids have some control so that they don’t feel as if they are being tossed around in the vast storm of emotion and frustration of it all. Living arrangements are a key area of control for kids and, ironically, for their parents.

Parents often look at a joint custody arrangement as providing the children with two loving homes instead of one. Unfortunately, the children don’t often see it that way.

Rather than having two homes, children often perceive that they now have no home or at least no real home where they can feel totally comfortable. As a parent, imagine for a moment that you were the one who had to go back and forth between homes. How comfortable you would be?

Many parents nowadays try to resolve this difficult issue in more creative ways that may be better for their kids. They allow the kids to have more choices about where they’ll stay or spend the night and when. This seemingly small shift can make a significant positive difference in the way children perceive their environment during and after divorce.

4. Maintain a friendly (or at least civil) relationship with the ex.

As difficult as it may be in many situations for the parents to hide their hurt or hostility toward one another, the children are healthier when they do.

Many parents today understand this and do not badmouth the other parent in any way in front of the children. This teaches the children that even though people don’t always get along, they can still function and move through life in a healthy way. Divorce may be unavoidable, but teaching children how to navigate the aftermath is as important as teaching them to walk and talk.

5. Allow the kids to continue being kids.

In so many families of divorce, children ultimately take on more responsibility or roles that previously were handled by the parents or other adults. Whether it was becoming responsible for younger siblings because the parents now work more or even having to contribute to the family budget for older children, many parents now recognize that kids — even teenagers — are not adults and should not be taking on these kinds of adult responsibilities.

These families are finding other ways to allow their kids’ lives to remain as constant as possible. This is often accomplished through the support of other family members, friends or even local community or faith-based organizations. Regardless of where the additional help comes from, these parents understand that it was not the children who made the decision to divorce and it should not be the children who are further penalized for their parents’ decision.

We probably still have a long way to go when it comes to helping our kids get through divorce. But more and more parents these days “get it” and are doing the things necessary to ensure their children can work through the difficulty in healthy ways. This often requires creative thinking on the parents’ part and perhaps even some input from outside parties. But the payoff of healthier, more well–adjusted kids is huge.

For more information about how parents can help their children get through divorce, check out Divorce from the Kids’ Perspective. Kelly P. Crossing, LPC, MEd, MS is a counselor and owner of Link Learning Center, an online education provider to counselors, individuals, couples and families.

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In an article published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification.

This probably doesn’t surprise anyone — but it’s great to have the research to back it up. So why do you think a friendship with your significant other will actually increase the odds you will have long-lasting love?

When I surveyed 100 happy couples for my book, Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life, friendship and quality time together are in the top 20 factors the couples themselves said are important to their relationship success. Adding those two responses together, 70 percent of respondents found those to be important factors.

When I think of reasons people cheat, I often hear things like, “She never supports me.” “He didn’t want to spend time with me.” “She doesn’t understand me.” “He never really listens when I talk to him.” “I don’t even think s/he likes me.” “S/he is always complaining.”

Aren’t all these statements really the opposite of the core of friendship?

Think about how you are with your friends. You tell each other everything (are there things you keep secret from your partner?). You look forward to being together (are there times you dread spending time with your partner?). You freely give your time, energy and attention to your friends (do you do the same with your partner?).

It’s rare that we criticize our friends. In fact, we often do the opposite. We really listen to them, attempting as best we can to understand their position. Even when we think our friend might be wrong, we defend him or her, nonetheless. We would never publicly put down our friends. We support them through dark times and encourage them to always be the person they are meant to be.¹

Too often in our romantic relationships, we play a different role. Not in the beginning of the relationship, though. In the beginning, we treat our partner like the best friend we ever had. If you still have a solid friendship with your long-term partner, congratulate yourselves and celebrate your friendship this week. You will likely be together for a very long time.

If, however, your relationship has gotten off track and you realize you aren’t being the best friend you could be to your partner, why not change that now?

You don’t even need their commitment to do the same for you. Ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be in my relationship with my most significant relationship of choice?” Take a long look in the mirror and ask, “Is that the person I am being right now?”

If the answer to those questions is no, then think about performing a random act of kindness in your relationship. One of the best gifts we can give our partners is the gift of total acceptance of who they are without expecting anything in return.

Don’t think, Why should I do this if s/he isn’t going to do it too? Is that how you treat your friends?

You have recognized you are not being the person you want to be in your relationship. You are the only one who can change that. Your partner may notice and respond accordingly or she or he may continue being exactly the same. It doesn’t really matter. What’s most important is that you take control of the one thing you can control in your relationship — what you do!

Start today and you will feel better and there’s a great chance your relationship will improve dramatically as a result. Put the friendship back in your relationship now!

To stay in touch with Kim, go to The Relationship Center, sign up for her email list, and receive her free report on Relationships from the InsideOut.

Couple having fun photo available from Shutterstock

1. In order to get a blueprint for being the person you want to be in relationships, my eBook on Relationships from the InsideOut is on sale this month at The Relationship Center. Check it out.