“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.

The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”

If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:

• Why did you get divorced or breakup in the first place? Did you have a good reason? Will sex make that right?
• Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have fear of being alone?
• Are you or your partner using sex to try to keep the relationship going instead of facing the discomfort of ending?
• Will having sex muddy the waters? If you plan on moving on from your ex, being intimate with them means you’re not moving on.
• Is this an exclusive thing? Are you OK being a sex-buddy? Who else are they having sex with? Are you using protection?
• How will you feel if your partner tells you they’re seeing somebody else?

Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.

Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.

I have seen enough episodes to ask the question, “Why?”

What draws people to watch faithfully every week or watch every series every week? What satisfaction is had by watching women backstab each other, trash-talk each other behind each other’s backs, steal each other’s men, lie and manipulate others for attention, and flaunt their excessive lifestyles?

In short, what is to be gained by watching women treat each other so poorly?

This type of show seems only to feed the drama and stereotypes often associated with female friendships. Somehow it has become “entertaining” to watch women beat each other up mentally, emotionally, and in some cases physically each week in the “entertainment” boxing ring.

In an effort to learn more about the appeal of the “Real Housewives” antics, I started to wonder if those addicted to the show related in any way because of their own real-life friendships. Do the most loyal fans watch to find out why these women behave the way the do, or do they watch because they can resonate with them or find aspects about the “characters” they relate to or even secretly admire in some cases? Loyal fans have their favorites and in most cases fans seem to be drawn to the most outrageous, vindictive, and despicable woman among the group.

Some fans argue they watch the show because it is like a train wreck that they can’t help but watch. However, the difference between a train wreck and the “Real Housewives” is that unlike a train wreck, which is a horrible accident, the “Real Housewives” is a horribly staged event with the sole intent of setting women up to knock each other down.

So for all of you who Real Housewives fans, I challenge you to take this mini-quiz to see how your real-life friendships stack up to the ones on this widely popular show.

1. Do you spend most of your time with your friends gossiping and judging other friends or people in general? Or do you find the time you spend with your friends is often spent listening to them gossip about and judge other people?
2. Do you gossip about your friends behind their backs rather than talk to them directly about something that’s bothering you or about some ongoing conflict? Or do your friends gossip to you about friends they are having issues with versus talking to that person directly?
3. Do you get defensive if a friend tries to communicate to you their feelings or take it as an insult or criticism? Or do you find that when you try to talk to your friends about something they said or did that upset you, they react in ways that make you feel like you did something wrong and even some cases they stop talking to you?
4. Do your loyalties shift depending on which friend you happen to be with at the moment? Or do you find your friends’ loyalties seem to shift depending on who they are around?
5. Do you find you have very little to say to a friend if you aren’t gossiping about another friend or passing judgment on others in general? Or do you find your friend has very little to say to you other than sharing gossip or criticisms of others?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it may be time to take a closer look at the quality of your friendships, and even how your friends would rate you as a friend. Are these the type of friendships you want to put your energy into, and is this the type of friend you want to be considered as by others?

If you are guilty of any of these “Real Housewives” types of behaviors, it is pretty safe to assume that the ones you are exhibiting this behavior with are doing the exact same thing with the other “housewives” in your group when you are not around.

As a psychotherapist, I can’t count how many times I have seen individuals and couples struggle with building healthy connections in their relationships.

The most common complaint has been that they feel unfulfilled, devalued or unappreciated in relationships with others. It is my professional experience that when we get caught up in what others can do to make us feel good about ourselves, we are likely to become angry and resentful.

So how do you avoid the resentment trap in your relationship?

Four Tips to Avoid the Resentment Trap

1. Ask yourself: Am I being realistic with my expectations?

Perhaps due to unmet needs, you project your disappointments onto people who are incapable of meeting your standards. No one person can meet all of your needs. If this describes you in relationships, you will ultimately set yourself up for feeling unfulfilled and empty. Friendships, work relationships, family and partners all participate in your life in meaningful ways. But in the end, it is up to you to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

One common theme of having unrealistic expectations is getting caught up in the fantasy of what a relationship is supposed to look like — for example, having expectations that your “Prince Charming” will sweep you off your feet and all of your troubles will slip magically away. Now if this isn’t a resentment waiting to happen, I’m not sure what is!

How many women have dreamed of having their lives turn out like the fairy tale endings of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty? Realistically, how many women have had those fantasies fulfilled to their expectations?

2. Remind yourself: I am a valuable, lovable human being.

No one person can make you feel good all of the time. You can feel loved in another’s presence, but if you choose one person to define how you feel in a relationship, you will be setting yourself up for deep disappointment. If you don’t feel good about yourself, begin by acting as if you do by creating a loving mantra and reciting it each morning in front of the mirror before the day begins. Examples may include “I deserve love,” “I am lovable,” and “I am perfect just the way I am.” Recite a mantra often enough and you will begin to believe it!

3. Surround yourself with healthy people.

By healthy people, I mean people who accept you unconditionally. I am talking about people who don’t shame you or try to prevent you from making your own decisions. These are individuals who will support you with your day-to-day challenges, accept you for your “human-ness” and are okay with you making mistakes. Write a list of people you know who have these qualities and keep in contact with at least one of them on a daily basis. These are also individuals who you can give you a healthy reality check. If you struggle with an issue that keeps you feeling stuck, ask for their perspective.

4. Focus on self-care.

If you deplete yourself to the point of exhaustion, it is far more likely that you will be vulnerable to wanting your needs met by others. You may possibly go to a child-like place and demand that you get your needs met immediately. I see this sort of thing in my work with clients who are struggling in love-addicted or codependent relationships.

So what is the best remedy for healing the vulnerable child within? Replace your expectations with gentle guidance and nurture yourself through a walk, deep breathing, a yoga class, journaling or meditation. Get to know yourself better.

One exercise I recommend is making an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. Think deeply about your interests and passions. How can you begin focusing more on the things that bring you joy? You deserve loving care — and who better than yourself to give it to you?

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you’re drawn to bad boys.

What is it with this attraction? You can’t explain it. You just know you find a certain kind of guy alluring — even when you know (from experience) that the relationship will end badly.

Friends tell you that your new “great guy” is cocky, brash, foolhardy. But you have a different take on it. You view him as sooo masculine, exciting, unconventional — in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. No comparison to other guys. Yes, those other guys are nice, but oh, so boring. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping?

So what is the draw of the bad boy?

What makes them so attractive to many women, even addictive to some?

1. The bad boy is exciting.

   Life is never dull when you’re with him. You’re not quite sure what he’ll do or say next. He makes you laugh. He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.

2. The bad boy is no run-of-the-mill guy.

   He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on. It feels masculine. It feels powerful. It feels like how guys should be. Not wimpy — like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!

3. The bad boy is an enticing mix.

   He’s confident (he knows what he wants). He’s independent (he doesn’t care what others think). He’s a sweet talker (he knows how to get what he wants). He’s mysterious (you still can’t figure him out).

To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring the bad boy seems.

Only one problem — well, more than one, actually:

1. What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?

   He’s still into risky stuff when you’re long past that stage. What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked or just plain out ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Indeed, they seem all too familiar and dim-witted.

2. What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?

   His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him.

3. What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?

   When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behavior that used to excite you becomes behavior that creates anxiety for you?

Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.

People who are all about thinspiration engage in disordered eating in order to be as thin as possible — a common symptom of anorexia. But they don’t see it as a disorder or a problem, making this an insidious problem.

Nonetheless, such eating and self-image problems can result in health problems, even putting the individual’s life at risk.

Some people have sought to get common words or terms that people engaged in thinspiration use banned from social networking websites. One such woman is Torri Singer, a broadcast journalism major who has recently begun a petition to get such terms banned from Twitter.

Many social networks have already climbed aboard the bandwagon, including Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest. And while such policies have been implemented, thinspiration content is still easily found on many of these networks. I suspect that’s one of the challenges of implementing a policy like this — it’s extremely difficult to police, especially if people can just slightly alter the terms they use to talk about these issues.

But that hasn’t stopped Torri from putting Twitter on notice.

“[I want] to raise awareness about the harm of destructive thinspiration messages, and to prompt Twitter to make real change in order to stop the spread of this preventable growing trend,” Singer recently told me. Her inspiration for this campaign came from family:

My sister suffered on and off with eating disorders in her early adult life, so preventing other intelligent, strong, and beautiful girls from forming or elongating their disorders has always held a place of importance in my life. I know how difficult it is to be a girl and have constant exposure to beauty ideals, I don’t think we need any more pressure from self-generated pro-eating disordered “lifestyle” hashtags.

But when a website or social network changes its Terms of Use to remove such discussion from their networks, can it be an effective deterrent? “There is no doubt that other media sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Tumblr have a long way to go before they are really safe and free of thinspiration triggers,” replied Singer.

“But they have made the first steps toward taking action and being responsible for the safety of their users.”

She also addressed people trying to change the spelling of terms they were using to get around the service’s policing efforts: “Instagram’s initial attempt to limit thinspiration led users to create new spellings (such as thynspo). Instead of giving up on the effort, Instagram revised the policy, stating it will disable “any account or hashtag found to be encouraging eating disorders.”

“The first step is ensuring that these messages are not readily available, and that is where policy change comes into play and really matters.”

Of course, trying to stamp out discussion of a topic on the Internet is impossible, given the hundreds of millions of websites, social networks, forums, and online communities. “By reducing the number of mainstream venues where these pro eating disorder messages are displayed,” Singer says, “we are reducing the exposure, and therefore the dangerous behavior that results (or continues) because of these online interactions.”

I agree — efforts such as Singer’s can make a perceivable impact on the popular, mainstream sites, reducing the likelihood of exposing this ideology to a new, naive audience. Especially when that site is a social network as large as Twitter.

“Banning thinspiration terminology means less accessibility to damaging phrases, encouragement, and images that propel disorders,” notes Singer. “It will prevent susceptible people from forming eating disorders, and people recovering/struggling with eating disorders from exposure to triggers.”

“In my mind, just getting people to have this conversation means that it has been some degree of successful. It is really amazing to see people who sign generating comments about their personal stories and their struggles. Many have said that thinspiration has been a big trigger in their lives and that they support any effort to ban it from impacting others like them.”

Efforts such as Singer’s are a good attempt at bringing attention to the problem and helping people understand that use of these kinds of keywords and hashtags only reinforce the disordered behavior — on a scale that wasn’t readily possible just five years ago. We applaud and support Singer’s petition and efforts to help reduce thinspiration messaging on mainstream social networks.

We encourage you to sign the petition:
Twitter: Restrict use of thinspiration language and hashtags

In relationships, we all have our fights; and having the occasional heated debate between you and your significant other is even healthy.

But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the argument can quickly get out of hand.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match. Follow these ten tips for effective anger management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.

1. Know when to make an exit. 

Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.

2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. 

Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to ten. By the time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and what you want totally insignificant.”)

3. Change your focus. 

Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.

4. Evoke peace and laughter. 

Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.

5. Breathe deeply. 

Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner fire.

6. Relax your muscles. 

Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.

7. Put on a smile.

Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match.

8. Test the waters. 

Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.

9. Make agreements.

Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”

10. Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view. 

Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.

The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship problems.

Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships.

More life coach advice from YourTango:

• Life Coaches: Who We Are & What We Do
• Why Do I Need A Life Coach?
• What Do Women Want?

But having less “discretionary time” as a parent can become just another excuse stopping you from creating, said Miranda Hersey, a creativity coach, host of the blog Studio Mothers and author of The Creative Mother’s Guide: Six Practices for the Early Years.

Hersey knows a lot about having little time. She has five kids, ages 5 to 22.

Yet, creativity has always been part of her life. For Hersey, “a creative life is full of passion, self-expression, intuition, observation, discovery, asking questions, learning, and making connections, with other people and the world around us.”

Writer and artist Suzi Banks Baum called creativity her “lifeline.” She’s been journaling daily since she was 14. “I wrote the day I gave birth and the day after.”

When she moved from New York City to a small community in upstate New York, she started knitting. “I felt really lonely and was verging on depression. I needed to do something with my hands.” She also joined a knitting circle and returned to Al-Anon meetings. “I began to see myself as an individual who had needs.”

When you nourish your needs, you also become a better parent. According to Hersey, “When you’re regularly creative … you’re happier, more centered, better able to deal with the inevitable stresses of life. When you follow your creative bliss, you’re also modeling something important for your children: doing what you love.”

Below, Hersey and Baum shared nine ideas for living a creative life when you have kids.

1. Do what you love.

Many people think they have to change their lifestyle to be creative, said Baum, also author of An Anthology of Babes: 36 Women Give Motherhood a Voice. But you can simply “remember or find something that you love and do it.” Hersey agreed. “We can be creative at any opportunity—not just when we’re writing or painting or dancing.” For her, “being creative is synonymous with being in love with life.”

2. Take small steps.

When your kids are younger, you may only have a few moments to yourself. During the first two years of motherhood, Baum carried a notebook in her diaper bag. She’d journal, doodle and sketch early in the morning or in the park while her kids were asleep in their strollers. She’d capture everything from scenes of her city to palm trees when she was on vacation.

She also carried a small book of poetry. “Those ‘reading snacks’ kept my mind fed with stimulating ideas and language, which are areas that in the early mothering years can feel very limited.”

Those few minutes with her books also helped Baum soothe her anxiety and worries. “It’d bring things down from a full boil to a simmer.”

Interestingly, during these first few months of infancy, many moms are flooded with ideas, Hersey said. She suggested capturing those ideas by scribbling on a piece of paper or an index card at night.

When your kids get older, there’s usually more time to create. But “you may find yourself stuck between having a tantalizing snippet of time to do your work [and] having to stop on a moment’s notice and not feeling like you can have the time that you really want, at least not on your terms,” Hersey said.

She suggested remembering that some time — like 15 minutes — is better than no time. “Drop by drop, you can still fill the bucket.”

3. Consider a class.

When Baum’s kids started school, she took a mixed media collage class. “That one class changed a lot for me.” She loved learning the material and being in a “community of other mothers doing a creative task.”

The class also helped Baum shift her self-image. “I joined a community of artists and that allowed me to see myself differently as an individual. I had never identified myself as an artist until I took that class and realized that I belonged there.” Today, she collaborates with her former instructor – now a close friend – on workshops and exhibits.

She experienced a similar shift when she took a monthly writing workshop. She started seeing herself as a writer and was inspired to help other mothers tell their stories.

4. Find a sitter.

Sometimes you might want to leave your house to focus on your creativity. If so, Hersey suggested hiring a babysitter or swapping child care with a friend.

5. Be creative with your kids.

“Let yourself do what you love while you’re with your family,” Baum said. For her, cooking, knitting, gardening and attending museums are all important creative acts. So when her kids played in the yard, she gardened. When they went to coffee shops, she took out her notebook and sketched. She also knitted her kids’ clothes and hats. When they travel, they go to museums. “My kids love this. It makes for some of the most interesting times with our family.”

This also models to your kids the importance of taking care of yourself and nourishing creativity, she added. This way practicing one’s creativity “is not seen as something you do at a certain time with a certain outfit on.”

6. Think of yourself as “in training.”

Fatigue is a big challenge for creativity, Hersey said. “Whether you’re at home full-time, navigating a part-time job, working full-time out of the house, or some unique combination, most of us are exhausted by the time the day’s work is done and the last dish is washed.”

That’s why Hersey recommended thinking of yourself as “in training for your life.” That training can include eating foods that boost your energy, exercising, sleeping well and engaging in other healthy practices, such as meditation, she said. “Taking care of your well-being will increase your energy level and with it, your creative bandwidth.”

7. Get up earlier.

Before your kids wake up is a great time to create. Even if you’re not a morning person, you can try getting up 30 minutes earlier, Hersey said. “What would it take for you to make that work? What are you willing to give up for a regular creative practice? Chances are, you can figure something out that doesn’t involve sacrifice for your kids.”

8. Find people on a similar path.

Baum has found a supportive community of creative mothers both in person and online. These women have helped her see her own creativity and work through various challenges.

9. Focus on solutions.

When it comes to creativity, it’s easy to get stuck in the “if-onlys.” If only my kids were in school. If only I had a full hour each day. If only I could get up earlier. You can always find reasons why you can’t create, Hersey said.

She suggested focusing less on what you can’t do, and more on what you can. “The truth is that life is hard – and it will only be harder, the more that we focus on how hard it is. Let’s stop saying ‘I can’t’ and ‘This won’t work’ and start figuring out how to do what it is that we say we want to do.”

Creative Inspiration

Hersey recommended the following books on creativity and writing: Writer Mama by Christina Katz; Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues; and Use Your Words by Kate Hopper.

These are her other favorites on creativity: The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp; The Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori; and The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander.

She also suggested everything written by these authors: Eric Maisel, Danny Gregory, Keri Smith, Patti Digh, Jennifer Louden, Steven Pressfield, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg.

It seems that there are many conflicting opinions on the roles of sex and intimacy within a relationship (and out of one, too).

It is difficult to really get to the bottom of this problem because no two people have exactly the same ideas on sex. In a traditional framework, sex would come with long-term commitment, or marriage, which would be associated with the couple having an intimate connection with each other (and usually wishing to procreate).

However, in an increasingly promiscuous society, the connection between sex and intimacy can be a tenuous one.

Sex without Love

Intimacy is at the heart of a strong relationship. Intimacy is about knowing someone deeply and being able to be completely free in that person’s presence. It is an emotional state that is often reserved for just one person. Ideally, sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy. It should come from a place of love and connection. Within a relationship the two are inextricably linked: intimacy builds sex and sex builds intimacy.¹

However, sex also is just a physical act. Within a relationship, sex is the most intimate act, but it can also be an act without consent, an act which is paid for, or a mere physical exchange. A one-night stand is a perfect example of sex without an intimate relationship. Both men and women can enjoy the sex of a one-night stand, but it is a physical act rather than a loving act.² On the other hand, it can be argued that there is nothing more intimate than vulnerably offering yourself to someone in the physical act of sex, therefore connecting the two terms again, even in the case of a one-night stand.

Sex or Making Love?

This is where people often separate the terms ‘sex’ and ‘making love.’ Sex is without doubt a basic physical act, and therefore it could be argued that it is without intimacy. However, making love infers that there is intimacy and a degree of connection associated with the physical act.

But there are plenty of situations in which couples are intimate with each other without having sex. For some, medical problems can prevent sexual intercourse, and although this does take away an important part of the relationship, it does not prevent the couple from having a loving, satisfying and intimate connection. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways, such as spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other. Sex is only one way in which people give and receive love, so although it is very important, it is not the only way to develop or express intimacy.

Being intimate with your partner requires you to be open and honest with him or her, and it is from this state of intimacy that great sex grows. This can sometimes be a hurdle in a relationship. Past relationships, childhood hurts and other emotional conflicts can get in the way of these connections. In these situations, either individual or marital counselling can be of benefit. Not only will resolving your issues lead to a deeper and more intimate relationship, it will lead to amazing sex, too!

1. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201302/7-predictors-long-term-relationship-success
2. http://www.chron.com/life/books/article/Therapist-There-s-a-difference-between-sex-1774907.php

One of those things was eat ice cream. A lot. So I gained a few pounds. It was time to buy new pants anyway. The only important thing was that my medicine was working and I was feeling good. I felt like participating in my life again. Feeling good and eating ice cream were natural.

But then I broke the couch.

Maybe it was a coincidence that I was the one whose bottom touched the couch and made it go POP and collapse. But it had occurred to me, in that moment I felt the couch break underneath me, that I had gained a lot of weight. And that was enough to tell me that all this weight gain was starting to bother me.

I finally realized that as my mood had gone up, so had my weight; maybe my medicine came with a trade-off. I’d never had a medicine that made me gain weight before or gave me cravings that led to weight gain. But here I was.

I’d always told people in the same situation that it didn’t matter if they gained weight. Obviously mental health is more important than gaining a few pounds.

But is there a line that can get crossed, where weight gain can make the scales tip in favor of switching meds? What’s the number? 15 pounds? 25 pounds? 30 pounds? 50 pounds? In what span of time? One month, three months, a year? What is OK and not OK?

Mental health is most important, but at what point does weight gain also affect health? It affects physical health, like blood pressure and risk factors that come with obesity (I am now technically obese), but I’m not even talking about the physical drawbacks of weight gain. What I’m irrationally worried about is the emotional toll that weight gain can cause.

I’m not satisfied with what the medicine is doing with my body. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like myself when I was pregnant, only without a baby, meaning I feel too big and tired and slow. That is affecting my mental health. Not in a serious, clinical way. But in a way that is still real.

Still, I would never stop a drug that’s working in favor of nothing, or one that didn’t work, to be able to lose weight. I’ve been in the dark hole that depression is, and there’s no way I would jeopardize my own quality of life or my family’s with my vanity. But it’s a little tempting, when I’m still on my meds and they’re working well, but there’s just this one side effect…. And I think, maybe I could stop. But I wouldn’t just stop; I would switch to something else, after talking with my doctor like I should. I’m more vain than I realized, but I’m also even more terrified of falling into depression again.

One of the most disconcerting things is the feeling that I don’t have power over my body. Even when I eat well, and exercise, and sweat off what feels like pounds of water, it turns out I have actually gained weight. I haven’t lost a single pound since I started my medicine several months ago. That unsettles me and makes me feel a tiny bit like I do in a depressed state: I am not in control of my body.

This doesn’t cause me to lose hope in general, to think that there won’t be a better time. But it does cause me to lose confidence in myself. I’m already on shaky ground, living with mental illness. Will I feel good today or bad? How am I feeling? But now, I add, How do I look? How much have I gained? to the daily evaluations. I can’t always depend on my mind; now I can’t depend on my body.

Having a mental illness throws new challenges at me at every turn. Even when I feel well, it still reminds me of its presence, in this case, through these extra pounds clinging to me. I believe that there might be side effects and trade-offs to medication, but I also believe they saved my life, or at least saved the quality of my life, and that it’s worth it. And I believe the perfect medication might be out there, waiting to still be discovered for me.

Maybe I’ll always have to make the decision between effective medicine and side effects like weight gain. But I have hope that someday I won’t have to.

One of the most interesting aspects of my work as a therapist is how much I learn from my clients. Years ago, I worked with a young woman who was struggling to find a happy, healthy relationship. She easily, breezily summarized her challenge:

“My sorority sisters say my problem is that I keep dating candy bars when what I really need is an apple. Their advice makes perfect sense.  A candy bar looks so good when you first see it, and I crave it with passion, but whenever I have it, I end up feeling sick. I know that apples are much healthier, but I don’t crave them with the same sense of longing.”

This succinct summary of her dating pattern is one I observe time and time again among both men and women who claim all they want is a happy relationship, and they lament that this wish is never fulfilled. And yet, when exploring their dating history in more detail, they will frequently admit to a pattern of actively choosing unavailable or otherwise unsuitable partners.

The psychological theories related to this phenomenon are quite interesting. One theory says that a happy, reliable relationship is not something that is familiar and so it makes someone uncomfortable. Freud, on the other hand, might wonder if the client is unconsciously repeating a painful pattern from the past with a fantasy that he or she might fix it and therefore heal old wounds.

According to this theory, such fantasies are rarely successful and usually involve compulsively repeating something painful from the past and opening and re-living old wounds. Behavioral theory talks about learned behavior. Cognitive theory explores how one’s thoughts about one’s self and others play into the relationship experience. Regardless of the theoretical approach a therapist uses to explore why the pattern occurs and how to change it, the language of candy bars and apples is a compelling way to begin the conversation.

Many times, the stated problem in therapy is, in fact, the opposite of what a client claims. In other words, if someone says they are in pain as they long for an intimate relationship, they may actually mean they are terrified to be in a close and committed relationship. Fortunately, my client gave me permission to share the metaphor of candy bars and apples with others. When I presented this concept to another client she shook her head and replied:

“That’s me, an over-eating candy bar addict! If I date a functional man I can literally feel the walls closing in around me … I secretly love unavailable men. I love to look like the good one dating the mess. That way when things fall apart no one blames me. Also, you can’t fear having the rug pulled out from you when there is no rug.”

What are signs you are dating a candy bar? While inconsistency, cruelty or unavailability are obvious signs, the best way to determine for sure is to write down the five qualities that are most important to you in a partner. Then think about the last five people you dated. Highlight the qualities you claim to be important that are not present in those you dated. The greater number of these qualities that are lacking, the greater likelihood that you are dating candy bars.

If you discover you tend to choose candy bars over apples, keep in mind you are therefore playing an active role in your unsatisfactory relationships. Choosing an unsuitable partner can be just as destructive as being an unsuitable partner. If you own your part in the problematic pattern, you can begin to practice dating apples and slowly train yourself to adjust to a new and healthier dating diet.

I say “train” intentionally as making any significant change — diet or otherwise — involves hard work, commitment, discomfort and persistence that is similar to training for a marathon. Apples might taste strange at first, but if you stick with it and push through the discomfort, you will notice, with time and hard work, that you will begin to crave them. Before you know it, you will want to delete candy bars from you diet. Good riddance!

Want to read more about candy bars and apples? There’s a full chapter devoted to this concept in my book, “Overcoming Your Parents’ Divorce.” Visit www.elisabethlamotte.com to learn more or follow @elisjoy.

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The bystander effect is a psychological phenomenon whereas the more people that are present when a person is in distress, the less likely anyone intervenes to help that person. Both cases involved a young girl being sexually assaulted and raped while at a house party with other teenagers.

Add alcohol to the mix — and the emotionally-based (often poor) judgment associated with the teenage years — and yes, it appears to be the perfect recipe for disaster.

The bystander effect first became popularized in the media in the case of Catherine “Kitty” Genovese. On March 13, 1964, New York City resident 28-year-old Genovese was returning to her home in Queens from work that day. As she approached her apartment entrance in the Kew Gardens neighborhood, she was attacked and stabbed by a man.

About a dozen people in the apartment building had heard the attack (as they later told police) and also heard Genovese’s calls for help. But rather than responding immediately — either by actively helping the victim directly, or by calling the police — nobody did so. It took about a half hour before someone finally picked up the phone and called the police. By the time the police arrived, Genovese was dead.

Dozens of more modern psychology experiments have been conducted to confirm the existence of the bystander effect since then. Modern research finds that, in general, the bystander effect disappears when the situation is perceived as being a dangerous emergency (because others are seen more as potential helpers, not as people who will socially judge or otherwise intervene instead).

But some things make the bystander effect even stronger — making people less likely to intervene when another is in distress — according to researchers Fischer et al. (2011):

• More people present (it’s a linear, direct relationship)

• If most of the people are strangers to one another (as opposed to friends)
• More females present (males appear to be less affected)

We don’t know the makeup of the parties that these two young girls participated in, but if it’s like most teenage parties, it’s safe to guess there was a mix of friends and strangers who didn’t know one another.

While we don’t know if the sexual assaults took place in a bedroom — largely shielded from most party-goers’ view — we do know that in Audrie Pott’s case, one of the photos taken of the assault apparently made the rounds at the party itself. And still nobody apparently did anything to stop it or to help Audrie.

We hope a clear response to these incidents is justice — significant jail time for everyone who participated in the sexual assault and rape. And despite these teens being “just children” (in Audrie Pott’s case, the perpetrators were 16 year olds), their names should also be released to the public.

There is no better justice than ensuring that the public never forgets the identify of these criminals, and what they did to helpless girls — both of whom ended up taking their own lives.

And listen up if you’re a teen — do not let this happen again. If you see something that you know is wrong — stop it. Get others to help you stop it. Call the police if you need to. Do not be a victim of the bystander effect — take charge, take action, and let’s prevent these horrible incidents from ever occurring again in the future.

Reference

Fischer, Peter Krueger, Joachim I. Greitemeyer, Tobias Vogrincic, Claudia Kastenmüller, Andreas Frey, Dieter Heene, Moritz Wicher, Magdalena Kainbacher, Martina. (2011). The bystander-effect: A meta-analytic review on bystander intervention in dangerous and non-dangerous emergencies. Psychological Bulletin, 137, 517-537.

Read more: How Bad Is ‘Viral’ Rape Shame? It Pushes Teenage Girls into Killing Themselves

Amy told me about a recent conversation with the man she thought she wanted to marry:

“Am I the crazy one here? Why do I feel needy and desperate when I talk to him all of a sudden? I thought he loved me! I don’t get it. He practically lives with me and I’ve never even seen his place! I’ve never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to win me over. He took me on some amazing dates and made love to me in ways I never even thought possible! I fell in love with him! I love him!

But when I suggested we have dinner with my parents, I didn’t hear from him for a week! He disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the heck? I don’t even know where he was for the last week. He travels a lot for work… But before this, he’d call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he called me Sunday night to say he’s “not ready” to meet my parents. He says, ‘Can’t we just keep things like they were? I love you, baby, but I really like things the way they are now. Why do you have to screw it up?’”

Sound familiar? Amy is dealing with a man who suffers from commitment-phobia and a deep fear of intimacy.

His own negative self-beliefs about commitment, love and relationships will guarantee that this relationship won’t last. He has no intention of making a commitment to her, and now that she is asking for a little more, he’s finding reasons to back away. My best bet is that he will sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.

So, what are the signs of a commitment-phobe? See if any of these ring a bell for you:

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time.  Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

2. You haven’t met each other’s friends, family and/or co-workers.Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won’t know what their work life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends.

3. You haven’t seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room. Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a way-station to shower, change clothes and sleep on those rare occasions they can’t stay with you.

4. He’s attentive and charming when you’re together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

5. He’s a last-minute planner. Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of his normal mode of operation he’s going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he’ll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

6. You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. In Amy’s situation he blamed her for “screwing it up” just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won’t want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you’ve never seen before in him.

7. He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship? If so, share your experience in the comments below. I’ll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

Larry Cappel is a trained relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He can be reached through his website if you’d like to talk about any aspect of your relationship.

I’m here to help. Call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. You can also sign up for my monthly health and wellness bulletin. My passion is to helping people to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

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This month I’m pleased to present my interview with Mara Glatzel, MSW, a life coach and the creator of the powerful Body Loving Homework E-Course. I’ve been a huge fan of Glatzel’s work for several years now. (We’ve even collaborated on this project.)

She has an empowering message and a beautiful way with words. (Just check out her blog.) Glatzel works with women to help them cultivate healthy, respectful relationships with themselves and lead meaningful, more fulfilling lives.

Coaching, writing and developing e-courses require a person to connect to their creativity on a daily basis. It requires expanding your imagination, solving problems, discovering and distilling your own philosophies and finding interesting, valuable ways to help others. Below Glatzel shares how she does it, along with her tips on accessing our own creativity.

1. Do you incorporate creativity-boosting activities into your daily routine? If so, what activities do you do?

Being able to incorporate creativity into everyday life has been fairly recent for me. I’ve always been a writer and occasionally dabbler in multi-media art, but for much of my life it’s been sort of all or nothing.

Lately, I’ve been working on making time (and mental space) for including small and frequent acts of creativity – taking beautiful photos, making small sculptures in nature, or writing lines of poetry in my head while I wash the dishes.

I’ve been practicing giving myself permission to notice the beauty throughout my day, and allowing that beauty to inspire me to create something of my own.

2. What are your inspirations for your work?

I am inspired by what makes people do the things that they do. I like to create between the lines of human emotion, examining the undercurrent that inspires daily action. I am inspired by my clients, my sisters, and people that I overhear in public.

I like art that makes me feel the full breadth of my emotional range – laughing and crying and then laughing through my tears. Generally speaking, I am a sucker for bright colors, short sentences, and a complicated story line.

3. There are many culprits that can crush creativity, such as distractions, self-doubt and fear of failure. What tends to stand in the way of your creativity?  

There is a voice I hear often telling me: no one is going to care what you have to say. That voice used to pull me to a full stop in the middle of feeling inspired. It was a voice that kept me small for many years.

In a world where we are able to instantaneously share the things that we create, we open ourselves up to the splendor of immediate feedback. I’ve found that there are times when this community ramps up my creativity, fostering it, and there are times when I have become singularly obsessed with the feedback. Wondering what other people are going to think or who will “like” it on Facebook absolutely stands in the way of my creativity.

4. How do you overcome these obstacles?

I have worked hard to counter these thoughts over the years by learning to do things simply because they light me up. I work daily to give myself full and frequent permission to keep my creations all to myself if I want to. I give myself permission to make things that feel good to make. Often, just giving myself that permission frees up a lot of the stuckage, and reminds me that we can make things simply for our own pleasure or use. I love creating from that perspective – making things that are secretly beautiful or fueled by my own intrigue or adoration.

5. What are some of your favorite resources on creativity?

I love books and programs that foster everyday creativity, the kind of creativity that is regular and found in ordinary moments. Books that I’ve reread often are: The Artist’s Way, Bird by Bird, and Writing Down the Bones. Right now, I’m totally drawn to the self-loving self-portraiture classes that Vivienne McMaster is running. I’ve recently fallen in love with Instagram, even though I know I’m late to the party.

6. What is your favorite way to get your creative juices flowing?

I am completely lit up by blank spaces in my calendar, days wide open with possibility. I found that one of the things that inhibited me before was that I forced myself to create on a timeline. Now, as often as possible, I clear out space so that I can create often and have plenty of time to get it wrong. When I don’t know where to begin, I pick a word out of a book, or go outside and do something fun.

If all else fails, I dance around in my house, which seems to help me get outside of myself and primed to do something unexpected.

7. What’s your advice for readers on cultivating creativity?  

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Don’t write your last line first. You might not know how your creative endeavor will turn out, but that’s part of the beauty of it, isn’t it? I found that when I was firmly holding onto how I wanted my stories or art to end, I neither enjoyed the process nor created something that felt really good. Begin with what inspires you, but then let your inspiration be the guide. You do not have to know where you are going, just go with yourself.

8. Anything else you’d like readers to know about creativity?

Creativity will save your life. For many, it is the way that our inner wisdom, our inner spark expresses itself. It is an excellent teacher. For those of us who struggle to stay in the present moment or who lose ourselves easily and often, creativity can be the path back to ourselves. Finding moments of beauty throughout our day has the power to completely alter the trajectory of our lives, ushering in new energy and a profound gratitude for the world around us.

Mara Glatzel works with brave women looking to chase what lights them up, and cultivate deeply satisfying lives. In creating this sacred space for women to thrive, she’s bringing a masters in clinical social work, her spot-on intuition, and the lessons picked up along the way as she built a relationship with herself grounded in self-trust. Catch up with her on facebook, twitter, or join her body-loving mailing list for secret swapping and insider news.