In her book Crafting Calm: Projects and Practices for Creativity and Contemplation, Oman Shannon quotes the 20th-century Catholic priest Henri Nouwen, who said, “Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love.”

Oman Shannon believes the same can be said about the creative life. Through creating, she writes, “we can enter the stillness that characterizes prayer and the ‘house of love.’ We can open ourselves and experience spaciousness.”

In Crafting Calm, Oman Shannon shares a variety of creative activities, stories and resources that help readers relax, comfort ourselves, get clarity and connect with others. Ultimately, connecting to our creativity can help us connect to our spirituality. In other words, crafting can become a spiritual practice.

Here are three exercises from her book to bring you calm and comfort and help you connect to your spirituality.

Prayer Garden

“Gardening is a wonderful practice for bringing one back to the present moment,” Oman Shannon writes. She suggests creating a prayer garden with plants that are meaningful to you.

If you follow a specific religion, you might pick the plants that are mentioned in your favorite passages of your holy book. For instance, the Old and New Testaments include lilies, papyrus and olive. Once you choose your plants, you can create labels that include those passages.

When creating your garden, Oman Shannon suggests pondering these additional questions: “What do particular scents – lavender, rose, peppermint – remind me of? What fragrances, or scents, do I need to surround myself with right now? What would calm me and why? What in my life feels sweet right now? Spicy? Energizing? Calming?”

According to Oman Shannon, whatever approach or shape your garden takes, there are important lessons to be learned. “Whether we create a simple prayer garden, consciously choose outdoor plants that remind us of the ancient wisdom in the Scriptures, or work with herbs in a windowsill, we will be rewarded with nourishment from nature and the lessons nature can teach us.”

Portable Shrine

A portable shrine can serve as a comforting tool, which soothes your mind and heart, Oman Shannon writes. You might not know it but you’re probably carrying around a portable shrine right now. Oman Shannon notes that a shrine could be anything from “a sacred symbol on a keychain” to “a collection of photographs of your beloveds on an iPhone.”

Cultures all over the world use shrines, and they do so in unique ways. In Central and South American countries, people use tiny matchboxes. Oman Shannon bought one with a “worry doll,” a clay angel pendant and a red seed. On the matchbox, it says, “There are moments in which you need a peaceful vibe, a touch of good luck, and someone to tell your worries to. Use this emergency kit to balance those tough moments! An angel for peaceful thoughts, a Lucky Bean and a Worry Doll.”

When creating your own portable shrine, Oman Shannon suggests considering what brings you the most comfort and what would symbolize that best.

Affirmation Blanket

All of us, Oman Shannon writes, have some sort of “blankie” that brings us comfort, whether it’s a sweatshirt or specific throw. Years ago, she bought a blanket for her young daughter that includes phrases such as “I am filled with unlimited possibilities,” “I am a true miracle” and “I am a bright light in the world.”

Her daughter not only sees these words (which serve as an important reminder), but she also feels them, “as they are in every way wrapped around her.”

Oman Shannon believes that our need for these words and blankets doesn’t dissipate as we get older. “…[I]f anything, we perhaps need them more as we navigate a world that doesn’t stop to communicate what a bright light we are in it.”

Depending on your expertise, you can create an affirmation quilt or embroider your affirmations into a pillowcase or other lightweight fabric. Or you can use fabric paint or pens on a fleece blanket.

When considering what words to pick, Oman Shannon suggests asking these questions: “What words will serve as your strength, your shield, at this time in your life? What words comfort you; what words do you need to wrap yourself up in right now – literally?”

Creativity offers a bounty of benefits. By using our hands to craft meaningful objects and environments, we can soothe ourselves and cultivate a spiritual practice.

What if you could tap into your intuition more easily?

That’s why I’m pleased to welcome Lynn A. Robinson, M.Ed. and her blog, Divine Intuition to Psych Central.

“In all my writings, consultations and speeches, I emphasize combining the spiritual with the practical,” says Lynn. “I believe there’s a Universal wisdom — intuition — that resides in all of us, and I love writing about how to access it and use it in a practical way in order to live a happy, meaningful and abundant life.”

I agree that intuition is an important — and often overlooked — component of our humanity. Too often, we don’t trust our intuition as readily as we should. I’m looking forward to learning more about how to use my own intuition in my daily life.

Please give Lynn a warm Psych Central welcome over on her blog, Divine Intuition now!

And everyone can develop their intuition and use it to navigate their daily lives, make fulfilling decisions and discover and realize their dreams.

That’s because “when we pay attention to our intuition, it points us in the right direction.” Intuition “provides an additional level of information that does not come from the analytical, logical, and rational side of the brain,” Robinson writes in Divine Intuition. She describes intuition as “a way of knowing, of sensing the truth without explanations.”

Intuition can take many forms. According to Robinson, it might be an image, feeling or physical sensation, like goose bumps. Or it might arrive in a dream. Also, “Some people say they just know the answer.”

Looking at your own past can help you pinpoint how you’ve used your intuition and how it appears. Think back to a significant choice you made in your life, Robinson suggested. “How did you know it was a good or bad decision?”

Robinson views listening to our intuition as a skill we can cultivate to enhance our lives. Below, she shared seven strategies readers can use to connect to their intuition and lead a meaningful life.

1. Take small steps.

You might worry that listening to your intuition means making immense, intense and, most of all, risky changes in your life. But it doesn’t. “We think big leaps when small steps would suffice,” Robinson said. For instance, when your intuition speaks, whether through an image, feeling, sensation or dream, ask yourself: “What is the right next step?”

Let’s say your intuition whispers that it’s time to leave your job. Instead of making the decision to quit right away, take small steps to gather information about your options, Robinson said. For instance, “You might rewrite your resume and talk to someone with a job you might like.” This helps you honor your intuition, while taking concrete, sensible steps toward the life you want.

2. Follow your enthusiasm.

“When you’re trying to make a new decision, pay attention to what feels exciting and energizing and what you’re curious about,” Robinson said. Enthusiasm is one way intuition guides us toward our personal path to success. If something is boring or draining, try to move away from it, she said.

3. Create a different kind of to-do list.

When Robinson gets up in the morning, she meditates and visualizes what she wants. For instance, that might be anything from growing her business to maintaining a happy relationship. Then she asks herself a key question, which serves as a kind of unique to-do list: “What three things can I do [today] to move in that direction?”

4. Seek answers in your sleep.

Before bed Robinson journals about the very topics she needs guidance on. She asks a specific question as she drifts off to sleep. Sometimes her dreams reveal her next steps. Other times she “wakes up with a knowing” about the answer or her direction.

5. Take an intuitive walk.

“People have a hard time stilling their minds,” Robinson said. So if you need to make a decision, taking a walk can help. While on your walk, Robinson suggested keeping an open mind. Your answer may come as an a-ha moment when you least expect it.

6. Journal for clarity.

It’s important to get clear on what you do want versus what you don’t, Robinson said. She suggested journaling about what you’d like your life to look like. This can be general, and you can journal for a few minutes a day. Having a clear vision gives “your inner compass the right coordinates,” so you move in the right direction for you.

7. Watch the words you say to yourself.

“I’ve made it a practice when I start to feel negative, anxious or discouraged [to consider], what am I telling myself right now?” Robinson said. That’s because when our minds become a muck of negativity, we can’t hear our intuition, she said. It gets blocked by bogus stories and what-ifs. In her work Robinson noticed that it’s common for people to “talk themselves out of what they want.” Put another way, “We talk ourselves out of joy.”

Our intuition is a wise compass that points us in the right direction toward a meaningful, fulfilling life. Robinson views intuition as a gift that’s available to all of us. Consider giving yourself the gift of listening to your inner insight.

That’s why I’m proud to welcome Julie Fidler and her blog, Amazed by Grace, which will be a blog about faith and mental illness, including concerns such as bipolar disorder and depression.

Julie’s writing a new book about this very issue: “The idea for the new book was inspired by the many negative and judgmental reactions I got from my fellow church members and other Christians. Many believers mean well, but [...] they too often believe that mental illness is little more than a personality flaw or spiritual weakness.”

“Through this blog and my book, I’m working to help people of faith to understand that the brain is an organ just like the heart, the lung, the kidneys, etc., and sometimes organs fail and get sick. My goal is to do this with solid facts, my own story and the stories of others who have been pushed away by the church, and with a sense of humor because, let’s be honest, such a serious topic deserves a little irreverence once in a while to make it easier to deal with.

“Too many God-fearing people are suffering in silence because they are afraid of being rejected and judged. They need to know they are in good company.”

Please give Julie a warm Psych Central welcome over on her blog, Amazed by Grace, today.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Heather King’s new book, Shirt of Flame: A Year With Saint Therese of Lisieux. I’m fascinated with anything about St. Therese; she’s my spiritual master and I’m always trying to find new material to read, so Heather King’s book was just my kind of thing.

I was also very interested to hear what Heather King had to say specifically on the subject of happiness.

What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Prayer. “Simple,” yet it requires my whole mind, strength, body, heart, soul. For me, prayer is not so much an activity as a way of being; a stance toward life — and death.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That happiness, such as it is, consists in self-forgetting. In having an all-consuming goal that you are never, in this life, going to fully attain. For me, that’s getting close to Christ. Writing is my vocation, so it’s being an excellent writer. And to be an excellent writer requires all of myself. It requires living my entire life, physically, emotionally, spiritually, out of love. I’m fairly disciplined, but the discipline comes not because I think the discipline is going to make me happy, but from love.

I’m an addict to the core. So if I’m trying to figure out what will make me feel better, what will make me happy, I’m going to be perpetually flitting from thing to thing. Booze makes me happy — for ten minutes. Candy makes me happy — for ten minutes. Sex makes me happy — for ten minutes. So I have to find something way way deeper to sustain me — no matter how I “feel.”

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

Making happiness a goal.  Comparing my “happiness” to the perceived happiness of others.

Happiness to me is a mood, and a mood that is largely dependent on outside circumstances: whether I have money in the bank, whether the sun is shining, whether I’m healthy. Any way of life where I’m dependent on what happens outside of me, I’m sunk.

What I’m after is joy, and joy has pain — our pain and the sorrow of the whole world — in the middle of it. Joy, unlike happiness, becomes a state that you may experience only in fleeting stabs, but nonetheless abides.

Mother Teresa experienced a fifty-year dark night of the soul, and yet all who met her were struck by her quiet, light-filled joy. So you can be in complete spiritual aridity and darkness, yet still have joy. You can “feel” no happiness at all, but you can still abide in joy.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).

For me, feeling blue isn’t always susceptible to being fixed by a happiness boost or in fact to being fixed at all. Why wouldn’t we feel blue? We’re fragile, broken human beings who know we are going to die. That’s not to be melancholic or to live in willed depression, it’s to be in contact with reality.

On the other hand, if my feeling blue is based on self-pity, which it often is, one antidote is to call or arrange to see a fellow human being, which is to say fellow sufferer. There’s nothing like being reminded that we’re all in pain to help me bear my own a little more uncomplainingly…

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness? 

My friend Fr. Terry Richey, 40-plus-years sober alcoholic, says, “If you’re really lucky, you’ll eventually give up all hope of being happy in the way you thought you were going to be.” I mean you have to maintain a sense of humor about all of this. And I do think age is a help here. You almost have to spend decades thinking, This is going to make me happy, and going after those things, and either not getting them, which is one kind of blow; or getting them, and finding they don’t make you happy after all, or they make you happy only temporarily, or they bring a whole slew of problems that you’re not emotionally or spiritually equipped to deal with, and that’s another kind of blow.

What happens is that you spiritually mature and you stop having expectations. You stop having expectations and that doesn’t make for bland mediocrity, as you’d feared: it opens the window to a richer, fuller, more joy-filled life than you ever would have thought possible. Again, you’re in contact with reality. You’re better able to accept life the way it is, not the way you wish it would be.

Instead of feeling that nothing is ever enough, you’re grateful for the tiniest thing: a leaf, a basket of figs, a handshake.

Is there some aspect of your home that makes you particularly happy?

I love my little living space. It’s airy and light with green curtains and a fountain outside the window and the Southern California sun streaming through and all kinds of books, cozy rugs, icons, candles, pottery bowls, paintings. But I don’t love it because it would qualify for the cover of Dwell. I love it because it’s grown up around me as a place to worship, to write, to praise God.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t — or vice versa?

Joy comes as a stab; an unexpected moment of connection; a nanosecond when we would lay down our lives just because the other person exists. This is the highest level of being human and we’ve all felt it: about our parent, the man or woman we love, our kid. Happiness — as a state of being, a stance toward life — is connection. It’s the embrace of mystery. For me, it’s to stay sober and help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety. People are the problem and people are the solution. I can get very attached to my “introspective way,” but in the end, you have to get out and mingle.

A quote from William Blake says it all: “We can’t bind ourselves to joy — we have to kiss it as it flies.”

I’m a sleep nut, and am convinced that getting enough sleep is very important. Here’s another reason to get enough sleep: research suggests that adequate sleep helps people lose weight. (If you have trouble sleeping, here are 16 tips for getting good sleep.)

Do you love great quotes? Sign up here for the “Moment of Happiness,” and you’ll get a happiness quote by email every morning.

If the answer is not often, I bet it’s because you don’t have the time.

One of the biggest reasons people don’t practice self-care is time. In fact, it might even be the most common excuse we give. That, and the false belief that self-care is a selfish luxury.

But “relaxation is not a treat, it is necessary for your physical and emotional health,” writes Jennifer Louden in her wise and practical book The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life. She features clever ideas for creating more time for yourself – and dealing with the tasks you’d rather knock off your to-do list.

Below, you’ll find her valuable suggestions from The Woman’s Comfort Book.

Taking Inventory of Your Life

Take out a piece of paper, and create three columns with these categories: like, dislike and ambivalent about. Then thinking of a typical week, list all the activities under one of the categories.

For activities under the “dislike” column, ask yourself these two questions, Louden says: “Must I do this? And if I must, how can I change this to make it more satisfying or agreeable?”

Be creative, she writes. Even if an idea seems silly, list it anyway. (Good ideas often come from the silliest of suggestions.) Set your timer for 10 minutes, and don’t stop writing.

Let’s say you dislike paying the mortgage. Louden gives the following options: having someone else write the check; moving; writing the check “while enjoying a massage or eating lobster in the nude”; writing a year’s worth of checks, addressing them and having someone you trust mail them each month. (Again, silly ideas totally permitted!)

Making Time for Self-Care

These are some of Louden’s suggestions for making time for self-care.

• Practice concluding conversations with people who keep talking…and talking. Say something like “I’m really glad you called but I can’t talk.” And avoid making excuses.

• Let calls go to voicemail.

• Don’t do housework or any other tedious tasks when you’re most energized and creative. Instead, use that time for self-care.

• Consolidate errands.

• Ask for help. If you have a spouse (or roommate), divide up the housework.

• Be selective with TV viewing. Right after your show is over, turn off the TV.

• Get rid of your TV.

• Rather than driving to work, consider taking a train or taxi or carpooling. Louden tells the story of a woman who spent her 45-minute commute wearing a sleeping mask, listening to music and meditating (when it wasn’t her turn to drive, of course).

• Ask yourself regularly “Is this how I choose to spend my time?”

Finding What Nurtures You

As Louden says, it’s one thing to make time for self-care; it’s another to actually engage in self-nurturing activities. She suggests brainstorming a list of activities you love to do. (You’ll replace your ambivalent activities with these.) Think of activities in each area of your life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. List activities that vary in time, everything from a few minutes to a few days. List at least 20 activities.

Doing What Nurtures You

With your list next to you, open your calendar, and start scheduling. Starting with tomorrow, schedule at least two pleasurable activities every day. Louden gives these examples:

• Monday: Talk to my best friend; go for a walk
• Tuesday: Meditate for 15 minutes; watch a movie with girlfriends
• Wednesday: Attend new dance class; go to library and find books on butterflies
• Thursday: Draw; get a massage
• Friday: Go to the museum during my lunch hour; put on music and do spontaneous exercise for 20 minutes; have a nice dinner with my lover.

While it might not always seem like it, you’re the boss of your life, Louden says. Make your self-care a priority, because it’ll “enrich your life immeasurably,” she concludes.

Learn more about Jennifer Louden and her work at her website.

While survival rates for many cancers have improved, there are quality of life issues following the diagnosis, including the emotional difficulty of coping with the anniversary date.  Survival rates are measured in 1-, 5- and 10-year markers.  This often creates an emotional conflict as the diagnosis date approaches.  Each year provides a measure both of success and trepidation.  Diagnosis day is when the war on cancer begins in your body.  It is sometimes shortened to military lingo for the day an attack or operation is launched: D-Day.

As with most traumas, people can tell you the vivid details of their diagnosis. They remember the time, what was said, what they did, and what they felt.  D-day is etched in their psyche, and as the anniversary date approaches, so does the anxiety.

But one woman, Jen Cunningham Butler, has done something different. In honor of breast cancer awareness month I wanted to tell you her story.

“I called home to see if the biopsy results are in,” she says. “The doctor tells me to page him.  I do.  He tells me: You have breast cancer.”

“I was in my office about to walk out into the adolescent hum of opening night of the eighth-grade play,” she continues. “The seventh-grade ushers were waiting for me and their final instructions before parents and friends arrived. They needed me to help them, and I needed to drive home and tell my husband I had cancer. Dr Meyer had given me the number for Larry Shulman, head of breast oncology at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “In the event of an emergency please page me at…”

I hung up. Was this an emergency?

When I reached Larry he pulled up the pathology on his computer: “It’s invasive,” he told me. We agreed to speak the next morning to form a plan. I got ready to go out into the hall, trying to figure out what to do next.

It was Tuesday, March 8, 2005. 5:30 pm.

Over the next several days, weeks and months Jen lived in two different worlds of coping with work and home and the agony of additional biopsies, MRIs, CT scans then the surgery, the radiation, and the recovery.

“I could tell you of moments of jagged fear, the comfort of “to do” lists, the beauty of the people who steadied me,” she told me. “I could tell you how simply breathing became a gift of release and how the things I could do physically, like riding my bike (even though I was slow) with my cycling friends, calmed and settled me.”

But as D-day approached, Jen knew there was a predictability of anxiety based on what others had told her. But she was determined: “I needed to find a way to turn the day around.”

She did just that.

“Coming into that first-year anniversary, I thought about how much being strong, healthy and well meant to me. I thought about the doctors, nurses, radiation therapists and others who took part in my treatment. I thought about Ellen Moore, who listened to a healthy-looking young woman’s assertion that a very small lump was of concern and took it seriously. I thought about Dr. Meyer (if someone has to tell you that you have cancer, it should be him – professional, knowledgeable, kind, gentle, matter-of-fact).

“Ultimately, I decided that Diagnosis Day was a day to give back to the people who helped me through that time. They gave me my life, and I was grateful,” she said.  “As a teacher, every once in a while you get a letter or email saying, “You made a difference in my life.” The idea for Diagnosis Day undoubtedly came from that – from how we feel when a former student lets us know that the work we do is worthwhile. I knew I didn’t choose cancer, but I knew I could choose some parts of the journey.”

But Jen did much more than this.  She acted on her thoughts of gratitude for the team that worked with her, and became an ambassador of hope.  On March 8, 2006 she baked heart-shaped, individual chocolate cakes for the women in the radiation waiting room and wrote a note saying she was healthy and well a year out and hoped the same for them.

“I also bought presents for Dr. Meyer, Ellen Moore, Dr. Shulman, nurse Anne Kelly, and my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Beth-Ann Lesnikoski (with whom discussing options like “lumpectomy or mastectomy?” could feel like a conversation over coffee with an old friend). With the presents went notes that thanked each for their contributions to my care.”

Each year since 2005, March 8 has been a day of gratitude and service. She says there is still an undertone of shakiness as the day approaches, but the day itself has transformed.

“I go to Dana-Farber with presents for my doctors, radiation therapists and nurses and bring a tray of goodies and a note to the women currently in radiation. On year five, I wrote notes to the people who helped me in myriad ways, for the colleague who saw me emerge from my office that night in 2005 and took over the play ushers for me, to the school nurse who kept my confidences and helped me manage day-to-day life at work, to the friends who rode with me even though my pace didn’t match their training plans, to my husband who stayed true and kind and loving throughout. Each year is a little different. Each year I think of who or what continues to resonate. One year it was the Dana-Farber parking attendants who got a big bag of organic lollipops; their smiles and help during treatment meant more than they’ll ever know.”

But what struck me about Jen’s inspirational story was the fact that much of the good feeling she generated in herself and others was actually part of well-documented research on gratitude.  Jen had attended one of my Power of Positive Being workshops where I discussed the research on the gratitude visit.  Jen’s intuition about how to turn D-day around mirrored what we know about outcome studies in gratitude.  She came up to me after the workshop at Kripalu, a spiritual retreat in Western Massachusetts and the largest residential facility for holistic education and well-being in North America, and related her story.

In part two, I’ll discuss the research on gratitude and how Jen intuitively followed all of the principles scientists have determined help improve our well-being.  But for now I just want to celebrate a woman with courage: The courage to heal, the courage to change, and the courage to be grateful.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, empirical research confirms the proverb’s message. “Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic,” Lyubomirsky says.

“They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene. They are better able to empathize with others and to be spiritual or religious. People who forgive hurts in relationships are more capable of reestablishing closeness. Finally, the inability to forgive is associated with persistent rumination or dwelling on revenge, while forgiving allows a person to move on.”

Lyubomirsky notes that when we feel wronged, our first inclination is to respond negatively. I tend to believe the notion that people are inherently good, and while some may make poor choices or behave inappropriately, they do not hurt others intentionally.

While forgiveness releases inner animosity, it does not imply that you must reconcile a relationship with the person who caused pain. Of course boundaries may be needed for your own emotional threshold; forgiving someone is absolving feelings of contempt and allowing yourself to attain peace of mind.

So how can we practice forgiveness?

The How of Happiness suggests that garnering empathy allows a new perspective to unfold and forgiveness comes more easily. When we try to understand the other person’s emotions, thoughts and feelings, while also realizing that they too have a story of their own, forgiving their actions suddenly becomes more plausible.

Lyubomirsky advises us to practice empathy in our daily routines every time a person does something that’s not easy to comprehend. Why do you think he or she behaved that way? What elements could be contributing to this situation? Is he or she going through something that’s stressful? Did he or she grow up in an abusive household? We’re not making excuses for others or justifying their actions, but we are learning to figure out the place that they’re coming from.

Now let’s look at the other end of the equation, the uglier side. Sometimes the anger, the regrets, the angst over a situation-gone-wrong, leads us to look in the mirror; sometimes, we need to forgive ourselves.

I’ll never forget an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love that hit the nail on the head in terms of this infamous internal struggle. During Elizabeth’s stay at an ashram in India, she meets Richard, her personal mentor with a tough-love mentality, who helps her on her quest for happiness.

During one of their many heart-to-heart conversations, she conveys the guilt she’s been harboring from the dissolution of her marriage and ultimately leaving her husband. “I’m waiting for him to forgive me, to release me,” she says. Richard looks at her, before assertively stating “waiting for him to forgive you is a damn waste of time: forgive yourself.”

Practicing forgiveness, with ourselves or with others involved, may be challenging, but will surely be beneficial in terms of our mental well-being. Alden Tan contributed a blog post to Tinybuddha.com about letting go of his anger, which can certainly foster a forgiving nature as well.

“Let it go, not just for a better future, but also because you’re a good person,” he writes. “And a good person isn’t angry most of the time. Instead, he sees beauty in the world and strives for a positive life, in which others around him can be inspired too. Choose to let go of your anger so you can be that person.”

It could be anything — a relationship, a substance, or even a really bad habit. You probably feel frustrated with yourself and confused as to why you keep doing what you know isn’t good for you. And you probably want to start being free, but you may not be sure how to do it.

Below is an overview of helpful ideas that can help you in the process of letting go.

1. Pay attention and admit it.

It can be easy to ignore whatever it is you’d rather get rid of. Then again, it may be so much in your face that you can’t ignore it. But if you haven’t already, you must start by admitting to yourself that you have a problem.

In order to do this, you also must understand that you are not bad for having this problem, and many others have dealt with the same sort of thing. If you see that this issue says nothing at all about who you are, and that attachment to negative things is part of being human, then you can admit the issue to yourself without being overwhelmed by self-blame.

2. Understand why you do it.

We all have a reason for doing what we do. Even the things we hate to do, even the things we try to let go of — they remain in our lives because something in us believes we want it.Yes, we always do what we want to do.

If you have not yet let go of your attachment, it is because part of you believes, for some reason, that you are better off with it. In other words, by holding on to your bad habits, you are trying to accomplish something, to get desires met, to get feelings of safety and control satisfied, or to remain comfortable.

3. See that your desires are not being met.

Of course you want to consider why you are doing things in order to give yourself insight and understanding. But it also serves another purpose. By seeing why you do what you do, you can ask if it is working. Are you getting what you’re looking for? If you see that your desires are not being met there, and completely, rather than partially, absorb that truth, then you can see you don’t really want it. And it’s only then that you will be ready to start letting it go.You can’t let go of something if you are not really sure you want to. You may be able to do a little letting go here and there, but to really move past this, you must be sure you want to completely.

Ask yourself: What is this negative attachment really doing for me? Chances are that rather than making you feel safe and joyful, you are feeling tired, anxious, unhappy about yourself and unable really to live a full life. While you may want control, this habit is making you totally out of control and making you live in hardship rather than peace. You may want love, but this relationship is making you feel unloved and if you are honest with yourself, you know it won’t change.

This thing may give you a sort of temporary relief. It is very temporary, however, and the effects are very unpleasant and much longer-lasting. Surface relief is not enough; the temporary comforting feeling is never totally comforting. It is usually only partly so (if at all), mixed with discouragement, shame, anxiety or emptiness.

So does this thing satisfy your desires for care, safety and joy? As you can see, they are not met here. Believe that and accept it. There is no changing the truth of how this attachment affects you. Accept that this is the way it is. No more excusing things, rationalizing or bargaining — this is just not the place to find answers.

4. Shift the focus to caring for yourself.

As much as you tend to focus on the problem, the addiction itself, it is really not about that. It is about you. It is about your well-being. Take this as an opportunity to ask yourself how you are doing and what you can do to feel better.Sometimes what you need to do first is start accepting yourself just as you are. Once you do that, and know that you are worth a healthy life, too, you can move into it, step by step.

Make yourself the priority. Even if this is a new thing for you, you can start investigating what it means to be kind to yourself, to look for ways to tend to your well-being. And you can show yourself the love that maybe you have been wanting to find.

When you change a bad habit, you must fully understand and remember that you are truly valuable and worth the effort. If the habit has been hurting you, you are in every way worth letting go of it. If it has been difficult for you to love yourself enough to treat yourself well, then it is time to be free of the lie that you are not good enough. You are.

5. Embrace hopeful thoughts.

Here are some examples:

• There is great joy in becoming free. You can focus on what you would lose or how hard it would be, but you forget that the reason you let go is to be opened to more joy. You feel more confident, more peaceful, more joyful. You can take in a big breath, smile, and simply feel good. Sometimes it is not until we taste freedom that you understand how wonderful it really is. Meditate on the fact that it is far better than the captivity you have been in.
• There is a healing that can happen in you, if you so need. If you carry around past wounds, you can be understanding with yourself. Embrace yourself and tell yourself that from now on you will take care of that person in you that was injured. This can be your opportunity to address stuff that has needed attention for some time, and it doesn’t have to be seen as scary. It can be seen as a wonderful thing that will lead you into a better time in your life.
• There is a real and good plan for your life. God has a particular plan for your life. He wants to bless you and to make things new. There can be much more joy and peace and love than what you have experienced so far. Consider that you have a certain purpose for being here and that it is good. Ask God to guide you into it.

Negative, critical thoughts do not make us better at life. They make us feel stuck, weak and unmotivated to move forward. It is choosing to look at things positively that will empower us to do the right things. Find the hope that new beginnings are always possible, no matter what.

Thank goodness you’re in general good health, and at least you have work to do (however frustrating it can be).

Fighting also never is enjoyable, but you know that the connection between the two of you certainly can override the rocky grounds.

When realizing that there can always be gratefulness for what you do have, you will be one step closer to peace.

In Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, she refers to gratitude as “a kind of meta-strategy for achieving happiness.”

“Gratitude is many things to many people,” she says. “It is wonder; it is appreciation; it is looking on the bright side of a setback; it is fathoming abundance; it is thanking someone in your life; it is thanking God; it is ‘counting blessings.’ It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is coping; it is present-oriented.”

Lyubomirsky’s research demonstrates that expressing gratitude has several benefits. People who are grateful are likely to be happier, hopeful and energetic, and they possess positive emotions more frequently. Individuals also tend to be more spiritual or religious, forgiving, empathetic and helpful, while being less depressed, envious or neurotic.

In one particular study, a group of participants was asked to write down five things that generated gratefulness once a week for ten weeks. In the other control groups, participants were asked to list five hassles or major events that occurred that past week. The results illustrated that those who expressed gratitude tended to feel more satisfied and optimistic with their lives. Their health received a boost as well; fewer physical symptoms (such as headaches, acne, coughing or nausea) were reported, and they spent more time exercising. It’s therefore been noted that gratitude investigations depict a correlation between mental and physical health.

In addition, gratitude fosters happiness, making it easier to cope with stress and trauma. A positive perspective allows you to obtain a better grasp on suffering. “Expressing gratefulness during personal adversity like loss or chronic illness, as hard as that might be, can help you adjust, move on, and perhaps begin anew,” Lyubomirsky says. In the days following September 11, 2001, gratitude was found to be the second most commonly held emotion (sympathy was the first).

Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem, discusses gratitude in his book as the secret to being happy. However, he believes expectations undermine gratitude and therefore undermine happiness. “The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. If you get what you expect, you will not be grateful for getting it.” He suggests lowering expectations, particularly pertaining to circumstances beyond your control, in order to bring gratitude to fruition.

Finally, Lyubomirsky talks about ways to express gratitude, one of which is to compose a letter to someone who has had a great impact on your life. You can read it to the person face-to-face or over the phone, but a study has shown that writing a letter without sending it automatically leads to happiness as well. Lyubomirsky had her class of undergraduate students write a gratitude letter, which she describes as a poignant and moving exercise. One of her students spoke of the process.

“I felt overwhelmed with a sense of happiness. I noticed I was typing very quickly, probably because it was very easy for me to express gratitude that was long overdue. As I was typing, I could feel my heart beating faster and faster…towards the end of the letter, as I reread what I had already written, I began to get teary-eyed and even a little bit choked up. I think my expressing gratitude to my mom overwhelmed me to such a point that tears streamed down my face.”

Of course, not everyone may feel comfortable constructing a structured letter to express gratitude — it’s best to find paths to honor your appreciation in ways that feel right for you.

As I was working on this post about gratitude, a friend (who previously wasn’t feeling well) updated his Facebook status to read: “I can breathe. This is awesome.” I smiled. He just feels grateful to breathe easily.

An important part of coping effectively as an HSP is knowing how to soothe your senses. HSPs aren’t just sensitive to loud sounds; we also might be sensitive to bright lights, TV and computer screens, strong odors and certain foods (and their temperature).

For the article I spoke to Ted Zeff, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide. Zeff includes a helpful chapter in his book on what you can do to calm each of your five senses.

Here are some of those valuable tips.

Hearing

• To tone down jarring sounds, play soft music at your work or home.
• Pick tunes that calm you, such as classical music.
• Buy a white noise machine.
• Listen to relaxation CDs or visualization guides.
• Wear earplugs.
• If you live in a noisy neighborhood or city, try to have your office face the backyard.

Seeing

• Whether you’re at work or at home, take a few minutes to close your eyes and focus on your breath.
• Look out the window to enjoy nature, which is especially relaxing for HSPs.
• Buy large pictures or posters of natural landscapes.
• Buy nature-inspired wallpaper for your home.
• Have plants and flowers in your home and office.
• Spend time in nature, whether you’re walking or sitting silently on a bench.
• Surround yourself with calming colors, such as white, green or blue.
• Adjust the lighting.
• Put up heavy drapes to block out harsh light.
• Wear sunglasses.
• Wear an eye mask.

Smelling

• Buy an air purifier (also good for masking noise).
• Wear a mask.
• Buy essential oils, such as lavender or rose.
• Burn incense such as sandalwood or rose.
• Buy a pillow packed with calming herbs. (Zeff suggested this website in the book.)

Touching

• Get gentle massages from a masseuse or loved one, depending on your preference and comfort zone.
• Give yourself a massage.
• Take a warm bath, and add lavender essential oil, which is calming.
• Have a comfortable chair to sit in at home and work.
  

Tasting

• Pay attention to how the temperature of different foods and beverages affects you. For instance, one HSP felt calmer having hot cereal in the wintertime vs. cold fruit.
• Drink calming herb teas, such as chamomile tea, and warm milk.
• Curb your caffeine intake.
• Be aware of your body’s reaction to alcohol.

Check out more tips at Ted Zeff’s website.

If you’re highly sensitive, how do you cope?
What are your most effective strategies? Please share in the comments.

Just kidding.

But did you stop for a second to look at the calendar? You know, just to make sure that May through September didn’t blindly pass you by?

You can’t find seasons at the Lost and Found

It’s true: you can miss an entire season if you’re not paying attention. Have you ever taken a shower (yes, I hope, but let me continue…) in which you’re completely blind to the fact that you’re even taking a shower until the second you shut off the tap?

This is what happens when we let our minds hang in the past or scurry to the future. We forget where we are, what we’re doing, and what the present moment holds for us.

I like showers. They’re warm and refreshing. But, sometimes, I miss them. And by “miss”, I mean this: an entire ten minutes of showertime passes until I realize that I’ve just completed a shower. I missed all the warmth. I missed all the refreshment.

You know what else I really like?

Summer. (That’d be summertime, thank you. See my name at the top of this post? Yeah. Just wanted to clear that up. My own self-esteem is nauseatingly mediocre, but that’s another day and another blog post.)

I love the warm weather. I love the flowers and the trees. I love the vacations and the camping and even the sticky air (sometimes).

I don’t want it to fly by without realizing it! Do you feel the same way? If so, this week’s video is for you:

This video is based on Christy Matta’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? A Seasonal Mindfulness” post from her PsychCentral blog, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Exposed. Her latest book, The Stress Response, is available on Amazon.

photo credit: tommaync

And that’s exactly what you’ll find in Russ Harris’s book The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts. Harris is a psychotherapist and renowned expert in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). The book is based on ACT’s principles.

The reality slap is a term that Harris uses to refer to life’s various lows, which include everything from losing a loved one to experiencing failure or envy.

According to Harris, after a reality slap strikes, we face another problem: “the reality gap.” The reality gap consists of two sides. One side is the reality we have; the other side is the reality we want.

The bigger the gap between these realities, the more painful our emotions.

This gap can last anywhere from days to even decades. And, unfortunately, he says that our society doesn’t prepare us to deal effectively with a big reality gap.

What can prepare us is finding inner fulfillment — a fulfillment that doesn’t break or bend based on external factors.

Harris defines inner fulfillment as “a deep sense of peacefulness, well-being, and vitality, which you can experience even in the face of a large reality gap — even when your dreams don’t come true, your goals aren’t achieved, and your life is harsh, cruel or unfair.”

In other words, when we experience loss or pain, we can still find peace within. According to Harris, there are three ingredients for inner fulfillment: presence, purpose and privilege.

Presence

Finding fulfillment lies in living fully in the present moment. Unfortunately, our minds make that tricky. Harris says that when we face a particularly big reality gap, our minds produce a slew of painful thoughts, which prevents us from enjoying life and effectively mastering activities.

We get lost in these negative thoughts and spend our days on autopilot, missing the true richness of life, he says. But we can learn to open our eyes and pay full attention.

Harris features an excellent exercise in the book to help readers feel more present with the people in their lives.

Each day, pick one person, and notice that person’s face as if you’ve never seen it before: the color of his eyes, teeth and hair; the pattern of the wrinkles in his skin; and the manner in which he moves, walks and talks. Notice his facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. See if you can read his emotions and tune in to what he is feeling. When he talks to you, pay attention as if he is the most fascinating speaker you’ve ever heard and you’ve paid a million dollars for the privilege of listening. (Tip: Choose the person the night before, and then remind yourself who it is first thing in the morning. This way, you’re more likely to remember to do the exercise.) And, most important, notice what happens as a result of this more mindful interaction.

Harris includes another valuable exercise to be present while engaging in pleasurable activities.

Every day, pick a simple, pleasurable activity — ideally one that you tend to take for granted or do on autopilot — and see if you can extract every last sensation of pleasure out of it. This might include hugging a loved one, stroking your cat, walking your dog, playing with your kids, drinking a cool glass of water or a warm cup of tea, eating your lunch or dinner, listening to your favorite music, having a hot bath or shower, walking in the park — you name it. (Note: Don’t try this with activities that require you to get lost in your thoughts, such as reading, Sudoku, chess or crossword puzzles.) As you do this activity, use your fives senses to be fully present: notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell and savor every aspect of it.

Purpose

According to Harris, “The more we can connect with a purpose that guides our actions now and in the future, the more we will experience a sense of fulfillment; we will feel that we are making the most of our time on this earth.”

While he admits that this is easier said than done, with some thoughtful reflection, you can identify your purpose. Harris has clients consider the below questions, which is part of a process in ACT called clarifying your values. This is key, because “it’s our values that infuse our life with purpose.”

• What truly matters to me, deep in my heart?
• What do I want to stand for as I use my time on this planet?
• What sort of human being do I want to be?
• How do I want to behave toward myself, others and the world around me?
• What personal qualities do I want to cultivate?

Privilege

This refers to experiencing life as a privilege. According to Harris, simply being alive “gives you a valuable opportunity to connect, care and contribute; to love and learn and grow. To treat life as a privilege means to seize that opportunity — to appreciate it, embrace it and savor it.”

Harris says that the reality gap is only one part of an entire stage show. Appreciating life doesn’t mean pretending that this part isn’t present. Rather, it means not only seeing the gap clearly but also seeing the other parts of the stage and finding something in the show that you can treasure.

The below exercise helps to cultivate appreciation, and incorporates being present — paying attention with openness and curiosity — and having purpose — connecting with our eyes and realizing the impact they have on our lives.

As you read this sentence, notice how your eyes are scanning the page; notice how they move from word to word without any conscious effort on your part, how they go at just the right speed for you to take in the information.

Now imagine how difficult life would be if you lost your eyesight. How much would you miss out on? Imagine if you could no longer read books, watch movies, discern the facial expressions of your loved ones, check out your reflection in a mirror, watch a sunset or drive a car.

When you reach the end of the paragraph, stop reading for a few seconds, look around and notice — and I mean really notice — five things you can see. Linger on each item for several seconds, noticing its shape, color and texture, as if you are a curious child who has never seen anything like it. Notice any patterns or markings on the surface of these objects. Notice how the light reflects off them, or the shadows they cast. Notice their contours, their outlines, and whether they are moving or still. Be open to the experience of discovering something new, even if your mind insists it will be boring.

Then, once you have finished, take a moment to consider just how much your eyes add to your life; consider what the gift of vision affords you.

You can take the time to notice and appreciate your life every day. As Harris clarifies, doing so isn’t a panacea for your problems or a way to pretend that life is perfect. Rather, instead of focusing on what you lack, this kind of mindset helps you feel more fulfilled.

Instead, we have intricate connections — with our family, friends, and our faith. These are rarely simple connections, but are instead informed and influenced by years of experience, learning, understanding, and interactions.

Nowhere is that connection more complex than our relationship with our faith and beliefs. Whether you were raised in a Catholic household (as I was), a Muslim household, or a Jewish one, our relationship with our faith is often complicated and unclear.

That’s why I’m honored to have Dr. Greg Popcak blogging for us here at our newest blog, Faith on the Couch. The new blog will be exploring these relationships with our faith and beliefs, and helping us to better understand them. Religion is something that is so important to so many people’s lives, and perhaps not surprising, important in their recovery. When grappling with a mental health issue, relying on our faith is one of the rocks that can provide us with support when nothing else seems solid.

You can learn more by visiting the blog today. Please give him a warm Psych Central welcome over on the blog now, Faith on the Couch!

That’s how I think of the relationship between religion and depression: like the chicken and the egg debacle.

I can’t say which came first in my life, because they were both there from the start. And you need only read through a few of the lives of the saints or walk the exhibition aisles at the Religious Booksellers Trade Exhibit to see that holy people aren’t all that happy much of the time.

How is it that we depressives tend to be more spiritual? Or is it that the more religion you get in your life, the more depressed?

Beliefnet approached me to write Beyond Blue more than five years ago because they learned that so many of their readers suffer from depression. Articles about depression and anxiety were among their most popular.

I believe people with depression are more spiritual because we are more aware of that human restlessness or inner void than our happy counterparts, or maybe we are more restless AND more aware of our unease. And we want to fill that void and settle the restlessness ASAP because it feels about as good as cow droppings on our heads.

So we pray. And we inhale frozen Kit Kat bars. Because both are like sucking on a pacifier to satiate the inner longing temporarily (prayer the preferred method, of course). Until our Prozac poops out (and our brain’s wiring and chemistry changes), and we need another kind of cocktail. At which time some of us head to daily Mass or join religious congregations, and others go to the hospital, and some (like me) do everything and anything as long as it’s not Vinyasa yoga (it hurts).

According to St. John of the Cross–the Spanish mystic who experienced something far worse than cow pies when he was harshly imprisoned in Toledo–the purpose of the dark night is all for love: to become better lovers of God and one another. Furthermore, the dark night takes us from isolation to creativity, from withdrawal to contribution.

“Obscurity and attachment, followed by God-given clarity, liberation of love, and deepening of faith, are consistent hallmarks of the dark night of the soul,” writes Gerald May in his fascinating book The Dark Night of the Soul. “Often this liberation results in a remarkable release of creative activity in the world.”

Consider for a moment the three Teresas (not including me) who experienced dark nights of the soul: Teresa of Avila emerged from hers and became the founder of the Discalced Carmelites, a prolific author, and the first woman Doctor of the Church; St. Therese of Lisieux is so popular, dubbed the “greatest saint of modern times” by Pope Pius X, largely due to her articulation of her crisis of faith in the pages of her autobiography, “The Story of a Soul.” And now, with the publication of some of Mother Teresa’s personal writings, we are learning about the modern saint’s personal agony that fueled her mission and incredible contribution to goodness, hope, and love on earth.

I keep pondering Archbishop Perier of Calcutta’s response to Mother Teresa concerning her darkness:

This is willed by God in order to attach us to Him alone, an antidote to our external activities, and also, like any temptation, a way of keeping us humble . . . to feel that we are nothing, that we can do nothing. . . . My only wish and desire, the one thing I humbly crave to have is the grace to love God, to love Him alone. Beyond that I ask for nothing more.

I’m not sure I agree with him. Because if I did, I wouldn’t have sought treatment in the 58,094 ways I did. I believe God wants me to be as healthy, happy, and productive as possible, and that he’s on the side of recovery, not illness. However, I can’t deny that my depression has been a refiner’s fire, impassioning my faith one profanity at a time. I can’t help compare it to the way a writer-mom, Linda Eyre from Salt Lake City, described motherhood:

We start our mothering careers as rather ordinary-looking clay pots with varied shapes and curves—and march directly into the refiner’s fire. The fire, however, is not a onetime process but an ongoing one. Every experience that helps us to be a little more compassionate, a little more patient, a little more understanding, is a burst of fire that refines us and leaves us a little more purified. The more we filter, strain, and purge through the experience of our lives, the more refined we become.

If I weren’t always so restless, I might be tempted to sleep in on Sundays more often, to listen to music during my run instead of pray a novena. I wouldn’t think to thank the big guy for a day without tears, to bless him for 24 consecutive PMS-free (hormonally balanced) hours. I’d be less aware of the rose gardens I walk by to get to the kids’ school (but also less hyper about the bees on the buds). I’m pretty sure that I’d be less spiritual and less inclined to gorge on dessert.

Photo courtesy of The Guardian.