But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.

The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”

If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:

• Why did you get divorced or breakup in the first place? Did you have a good reason? Will sex make that right?
• Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have fear of being alone?
• Are you or your partner using sex to try to keep the relationship going instead of facing the discomfort of ending?
• Will having sex muddy the waters? If you plan on moving on from your ex, being intimate with them means you’re not moving on.
• Is this an exclusive thing? Are you OK being a sex-buddy? Who else are they having sex with? Are you using protection?
• How will you feel if your partner tells you they’re seeing somebody else?

Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.

Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.

It seems that there are many conflicting opinions on the roles of sex and intimacy within a relationship (and out of one, too).

It is difficult to really get to the bottom of this problem because no two people have exactly the same ideas on sex. In a traditional framework, sex would come with long-term commitment, or marriage, which would be associated with the couple having an intimate connection with each other (and usually wishing to procreate).

However, in an increasingly promiscuous society, the connection between sex and intimacy can be a tenuous one.

Sex without Love

Intimacy is at the heart of a strong relationship. Intimacy is about knowing someone deeply and being able to be completely free in that person’s presence. It is an emotional state that is often reserved for just one person. Ideally, sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy. It should come from a place of love and connection. Within a relationship the two are inextricably linked: intimacy builds sex and sex builds intimacy.¹

However, sex also is just a physical act. Within a relationship, sex is the most intimate act, but it can also be an act without consent, an act which is paid for, or a mere physical exchange. A one-night stand is a perfect example of sex without an intimate relationship. Both men and women can enjoy the sex of a one-night stand, but it is a physical act rather than a loving act.² On the other hand, it can be argued that there is nothing more intimate than vulnerably offering yourself to someone in the physical act of sex, therefore connecting the two terms again, even in the case of a one-night stand.

Sex or Making Love?

This is where people often separate the terms ‘sex’ and ‘making love.’ Sex is without doubt a basic physical act, and therefore it could be argued that it is without intimacy. However, making love infers that there is intimacy and a degree of connection associated with the physical act.

But there are plenty of situations in which couples are intimate with each other without having sex. For some, medical problems can prevent sexual intercourse, and although this does take away an important part of the relationship, it does not prevent the couple from having a loving, satisfying and intimate connection. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways, such as spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other. Sex is only one way in which people give and receive love, so although it is very important, it is not the only way to develop or express intimacy.

Being intimate with your partner requires you to be open and honest with him or her, and it is from this state of intimacy that great sex grows. This can sometimes be a hurdle in a relationship. Past relationships, childhood hurts and other emotional conflicts can get in the way of these connections. In these situations, either individual or marital counselling can be of benefit. Not only will resolving your issues lead to a deeper and more intimate relationship, it will lead to amazing sex, too!

1. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201302/7-predictors-long-term-relationship-success
2. http://www.chron.com/life/books/article/Therapist-There-s-a-difference-between-sex-1774907.php

The bystander effect is a psychological phenomenon whereas the more people that are present when a person is in distress, the less likely anyone intervenes to help that person. Both cases involved a young girl being sexually assaulted and raped while at a house party with other teenagers.

Add alcohol to the mix — and the emotionally-based (often poor) judgment associated with the teenage years — and yes, it appears to be the perfect recipe for disaster.

The bystander effect first became popularized in the media in the case of Catherine “Kitty” Genovese. On March 13, 1964, New York City resident 28-year-old Genovese was returning to her home in Queens from work that day. As she approached her apartment entrance in the Kew Gardens neighborhood, she was attacked and stabbed by a man.

About a dozen people in the apartment building had heard the attack (as they later told police) and also heard Genovese’s calls for help. But rather than responding immediately — either by actively helping the victim directly, or by calling the police — nobody did so. It took about a half hour before someone finally picked up the phone and called the police. By the time the police arrived, Genovese was dead.

Dozens of more modern psychology experiments have been conducted to confirm the existence of the bystander effect since then. Modern research finds that, in general, the bystander effect disappears when the situation is perceived as being a dangerous emergency (because others are seen more as potential helpers, not as people who will socially judge or otherwise intervene instead).

But some things make the bystander effect even stronger — making people less likely to intervene when another is in distress — according to researchers Fischer et al. (2011):

• More people present (it’s a linear, direct relationship)

• If most of the people are strangers to one another (as opposed to friends)
• More females present (males appear to be less affected)

We don’t know the makeup of the parties that these two young girls participated in, but if it’s like most teenage parties, it’s safe to guess there was a mix of friends and strangers who didn’t know one another.

While we don’t know if the sexual assaults took place in a bedroom — largely shielded from most party-goers’ view — we do know that in Audrie Pott’s case, one of the photos taken of the assault apparently made the rounds at the party itself. And still nobody apparently did anything to stop it or to help Audrie.

We hope a clear response to these incidents is justice — significant jail time for everyone who participated in the sexual assault and rape. And despite these teens being “just children” (in Audrie Pott’s case, the perpetrators were 16 year olds), their names should also be released to the public.

There is no better justice than ensuring that the public never forgets the identify of these criminals, and what they did to helpless girls — both of whom ended up taking their own lives.

And listen up if you’re a teen — do not let this happen again. If you see something that you know is wrong — stop it. Get others to help you stop it. Call the police if you need to. Do not be a victim of the bystander effect — take charge, take action, and let’s prevent these horrible incidents from ever occurring again in the future.

Reference

Fischer, Peter Krueger, Joachim I. Greitemeyer, Tobias Vogrincic, Claudia Kastenmüller, Andreas Frey, Dieter Heene, Moritz Wicher, Magdalena Kainbacher, Martina. (2011). The bystander-effect: A meta-analytic review on bystander intervention in dangerous and non-dangerous emergencies. Psychological Bulletin, 137, 517-537.

Read more: How Bad Is ‘Viral’ Rape Shame? It Pushes Teenage Girls into Killing Themselves

The article, published in Psychology Today, is titled “Ahead of the Curves” and the brilliant tagline? “Men know something vital about women’s body shapes that women don’t. Plus: How big hips make wise women.”

It is six pages long and features illustrations of women who look more like playmates than the women who have the aforementioned “big hips” and are “wise” because of it. One of the illustrations boasts a sexy blonde wearing a pastel-pretty bra and tight briefs. She is pursing her red lips — ready to kiss! She is rather revolting and her hips, well, they certainly are not wise.

That alone is irritating but this is the part that really makes me question my taste in literature: This lengthy article is written by two men.

Their respective names and impressive education are listed in very small font. I wondered: How can these two men possibly educate and enlighten women on their sex appeal and bodies? Well, they certainly gave it a good shot. But not good enough.

The first paragraph states that “American males, it has been calculated, spend some $3 billion a year to gaze at women with hourglass figures, those whose small waists blossom into sinuously curvy hips.”

My first thought? Where does this “calculation” come from? Furthermore, how does gazing at women connect to “$3 billion a year?” They don’t explain this. Maybe men take time off work to gawk at women? Unlikely.

I have to give credit where credit is due: They do include research done by the late Deborah Sing — 20 years ago. This is the only mention of a female contribution to the piece and does not extend past one measly paragraph which tells the eager reader: “. . .Men all around the world. . .Prefer a similar shape.”

We are then told that when men view a curvy woman their brains respond in a similar fashion to cocaine and heroin. Hmm. That’s a strange statement with no research provided to the reader.

Even so, the following paragraph takes the cake:

Even a thin woman carries an astonishing amount of fat in her legs and hips–about a third of her body weight. Men everywhere admire the fat located here. . .Only bears ready to hibernate, penguins facing a sunless winter without food, or whales swimming in the arctic waters have fat percentages that approach those in normal, healthy, trim young women.

Well, that’s lovely! Female readers have now been compared to bears, penguins and whales. Furthermore, the word “astonishing” used in relation to our apparent “fat” probably does not make us smile. I am currently grimacing.

For diversity’s sake (or perhaps the editor was concerned about backlash from readers) a few paragraphs are devoted to explaining that American women are in dire need of more omega-3s.

Unfortunately, I believe more women have read this article than men. The pages are laced with bright pink script. I kid you not. Literature like this confuses both genders and, in my humble and currently sarcastic opinion, the size of my hips does not make me “wise.” And neither did reading this article.

Reference

Lassek, W. & Gaulin, S. (2012, August). Ahead of the curves. Psychology Today, 45(4), 74-77.

It’s become so bad that some people are even making up statistics to either sell their infidelity-helping or infidelity-fighting services. For instance, one common statistic I hear thrown out there is that 50 percent of relationships involve infidelity.

Sadly, that statistic is not based upon any scientific research. It’s something marketing companies just made up and use to scare (or motivate) people into buying into their service.

So how common is cheating, really?

The short answer is, “Not nearly as common as you would be led to believe.”

I last talked about infidelity a few years ago, and why people cheat. But what I didn’t cover is exactly how common — or, to put it more accurately, uncommon — cheating actually is.

The Prevalence of Infidelity

Researchers Blow & Hartnett (2005)¹ took a comprehensive look at this issue and reviewed all the research on infidelity a few years ago. Here is what they have to say about how common cheating really is:

Many research studies attempt to estimate exactly how many people engage in infidelity, and the statistics appear reliable when studies focus on sexual intercourse, deal with heterosexual couples, and draw from large, representative, national samples. From the 1994 General Social Survey of 884 men and 1288 women, 78% of men and 88% of women denied ever having extramarital (EM) sex (Wiederman, 1997). The 1991-1996 General Social Surveys report similar data; in those years 13% of respondents admitted to having had EM sex (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001).

In the 1981 National Survey of Women, 10% of the overall sample had a secondary sex partner. Married women were the least likely (4%), dating women more likely (18%), and cohabiting women most likely (20%) to have had a secondary sex partner (Forste & Tanfer, 1996). [...]

Compared with Laumann et al. (1994), other authors report significantly lower prevalence statistics. General Social Surveys conducted in 1988 and 1989 showed that a mere 1.5% of married people reported having had a sexual partner other than their spouse in the year before the survey (Smith, 1991), and less than 3% of Choi, Catania, and Dolcini’s (1994) sample had engaged in EM sex in the previous 12 months.

In a 1993 probability sample that included 1194 married adults, 1.2% had EM sex in the last 30 days, 3.6% had EM sex in the last year, and 6.4% had EM sex in the last 5 years (Leigh, Temple, & Trocki, 1993). These results possibly indicate that the number of EM sexual involvements in any given year is quite low, but that over the lifetime of a relationship this number is notably higher.

In general, based on the above data, we can conclude that over the course of married, heterosexual relationships in the United States, EM sex occurs in less than 25% of committed relationships, and more men than women appear to be engaging in infidelity (Laumann et al., 1994; Wiederman, 1997). Further, these rates are significantly lower in any given year. [...] (Blow & Hartnett, 2005)

Another study conducted on a population-based sample of married women (N = 4,884) found that the annual prevalence of infidelity was much smaller on the basis of the face-to-face interview (1.08%) than on the computer-assisted self-interview (6.13%) (Whisman & Snyder, 2007).²

Taken together, in any given year, it looks like the actual likelihood of your relationship suffering from cheating is low — probably less than a 6 percent chance.

But over the course of your entire relationship, the chances of infidelity may rise to as much as 25 percent. Twenty-five percent — over the course of an entire relationship — is a far cry from the 50 percent number we hear from many so-called professionals and services trying to sell you something.

And to put cheating into perspective too, the relationship (or one of the people in the relationship) needs to be lacking in something. As my previous article on the topic noted, these risk factors typically include: significant, ongoing, unresolved problems in the primary, long-term relationship or marriage; a significant difference in sex drive between the two partners; the older the primary relationship; a greater difference in personality than perhaps the partners realize; and having been sexually abused as a child.

Whisman & Snyder (2007) also found support that the likelihood of infidelity decreases the more religious you are, as you age, or if you’re better educated. They also found that the risk for cheating was greater for women who were remarried (compared to those who were on their first marriage), or for either gender with the greater number of sexual partners you have.

Types of Infidelity

Cheating comes in many different forms — it’s not limited to simply having sex with someone who isn’t your long-term partner.

Both the clinical and self-help literature reference general types of infidelity, including one-night stands, emotional connections, long-term relationships, and philandering (Brown, 2001; Pittman, 1989). However, most of the empirical literature does not delineate these types of infidelity, nor does it offer ideas on how prevalent different types of infidelity are or in what kinds of relationships they exist. [...]

There is evidence that there are emotional-only, sexual-only, and combined sexual and emotional types of infidelity (Glass & Wright, 1985; Thompson, 1984). These categories are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and Glass and Wright (1985) explore infidelity on a continuum of sexual involvement and emotional involvement.

Further, within each general category there are different types. For example, emotional infidelity could consist of an internet relationship, a work relationship, or a long-distance phone relationship. Sexual infidelity could consist of visits with sex workers, same-sex encounters, and different types of sexual activities. (Blow & Hartnett, 2005)

Cheating is something to be aware of in any relationship. However, in most relationships, it is not something to be overly concerned about unless you have one of the above risk factors. Even then, the rate is half as what many marketers would have you believe — and that’s some good news for a change.

References

Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31, 217-233.

Whisman, M.A. & Snyder, D.K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21, 147-154.

1. Sorry, I am not making their names up.
2. This intriguingly suggests people are more comfortable telling the truth to a faceless computer survey than to a human interviewer.

The security conference, BSides SF, made the decision after a complaint was lodged against the talk by the Ada Initiative’s Valeria Aurora. The Ada Initiative is a group that works “to increase the participation of women in open technology and culture by educating both women and people of all genders who want to support women in open tech/culture” and was co-founded by Mary Gardiner and Valerie.

Valeria Aurora’s complaint was lodged against Violet Blue’s talk entitled, “sex +/- drugs: known vulns and exploits.” But rather than talking directly to the presenter to learn more about what the talk was going to be about, they brought their complaint to BSides SF’s organizer, Ian Fung.

In seeking to censor Violet Blue’s talk and add to the stigma of having open and frank discussions of sexuality, all that happened is that it amplified the controversy — and left a lot of unanswered questions.

First, let’s clear up the premise that talk about sex and technology are two topics that can never occur together. Technology is shaping sexuality and changing the way people interact — yes, even sexually — with one another. With the advent of new generations of sex toys, virtual reality environments and worlds, and more, technology is impacting sexuality in ways we couldn’t imagine even just 20 years ago. The Internet has been used since its inception to exchange sexual imagery, open and frank discussion of sexuality and gender identity issues, and erotic stories (all the way back into the 1980s).

One component of sexuality in society — pornography — has driven some of the innovation in technology as well. Whether you agree with it or not, the porn industry has arguably been pushing the envelope of technology for secure and private payment systems, minor identification online (to prevent access), streaming video (long before YouTube), and more. To suggest that sexuality or discussion of sexual topics at a technology conference is inappropriate is equivalent to putting one’s head in the sand and ignoring the history of how these two subjects have long been intertwined.

The challenge becomes when a complaint about a conference topic turns into a specific action — censorship — based upon seemingly incomplete and/or faulty information, or one organization’s own agenda.

And after reading through the accounts of what happened (linked below), I’m amazed at the sheer lack of communication among a group of people who (at least partially) communicate for a living. Apparently Valeria Aurora never thought to speak directly to Violet Blue about her concerns. Ian Fung apparently never thought to have the two people who’s lives he was impacting sit across a table and simply talk to one another, like two human beings. At one point before the decision was made, they were all in the same room together, and could have simply talked it out like three reasonable adults.

Perhaps it was because the Ada Initiative didn’t appear to be interested in a compromise or an actual give-and-take discussion about the topic, as this email from Valerie appears to make clear:

This is total bullshit even if it somehow ends up giving an anti-rape, pro-consent message. Framing a talk about sex in the vocabulary of computer security does not magically make it on-topic, and it definitely doesn’t stop it from being a giant ‘You are not welcome or even safe’ sign for women.

In other words, even if Violet Blue’s topic was about harm reduction, the Ada Initiative seemed to believe that it was off-topic and inappropriate for the BSides conference (even though they had nothing to do with organizing the conference).

Now, most organizers would take such an opinion into consideration. But unless they had third-party data or some sort of consensus from attendees,¹ I suspect most organizers wouldn’t simply cancel an invited speaker because of one person’s (or one organization’s) opinion.

Here’s the proposed talk that was censored from the BSides SF conference:

sex +/- drugs: known vulns and exploits

What drugs do to sexual performance, physiological reaction and pleasure is rarely discussed in – or out of – clinical or academic settings. Yet most people have sex under the influence of something (or many somethings) at some point in their lives.

In this underground talk, Violet Blue shares what sex-positive doctors, nurses, MFT’s, clinic workers and crisis counselors have learned and compiled about the interactions of drugs and sex from over three decades of unofficial curriculum for use in peer-to-peer (and emergency) counseling. Whether you’re curious about the effects of caffeine or street drugs on sex, or are the kind of person that keeps your fuzzy handcuffs next to a copy of The Pocket Pharmacopeia, this overview will help you engineer your sex life in our chemical soaked world. Or, it’ll at least give you great party conversation fodder.

I can understand why some people may read that description and be scratching their heads, “What does this have to do with a security conference?” That’s something only the conference organizers can answer. But here are Violet Blue’s thoughts:

I have presented talks about sexuality at tech conferences all over the world, and I make it clear each time that my talks are not technical and that they are about issues that affect the culture to which I am presenting.

Indeed, it’s sort of a meta-discussion aimed at the people who are in the room. These kinds of meta-discussions about culture and people are not uncommon at technology conference. SXSWi is littered with them; other technology conferences are the same.

There’s a Time and Place to Talk About Sex… And This Isn’t It?

From reading the Ada Initiative’s perspective, it appears their argument is simple — presentations like this can have an unintended chilling effect on women wanting to attend technology conferences such as BSides SF. Women who have experienced sexual trauma or rape can be triggered by such discussions. All of which may be true (at least from their perspective), to an extent.

The challenge, though, is that we don’t really know how much of an issue this really is for women attendees. We have heard anecdotal reports over the years of X, Y and Z, but no systematic research has been conducted. You can’t argue that something is harmful without having actual data to show it is true (well, you can, but it’s a pretty empty argument if you ask me).

Conferences should not be planned around sensitivities to legitimate topics of discussion. We cannot create a trigger-free world or environment for people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or others who are sensitive to topics that they find difficult. It’s silly to try and do so. It stigmatizes the very topics that need to be discussed openly and without reserve.

I perk up my ears anytime someone or some organization claims that censorship is the answer to a self-proclaimed problem. Censoring talks like this one drives sexuality — and inappropriate sexual behavior — back into the dark. We have to talk openly about sexual issues — even about sensitive topics like rape or sexual assault — because it keeps these topics in the light.

Education is the key to understanding and change — not censorship.²

For Further Reading

Read Violet Blue’s account: What happened with my Security BSides talk

Read the Ada Initiative’s account: Clarification on the Ada Initiative’s role in the cancellation of Violet Blue’s BSides SF talk and their original description and explanation of what happened

Read BSides SF’s account: Clearing up a few points from Valerie and Violet’s account of the situation

1. Maybe in the form of a survey?
2. Oh, and a note to organizers of conferences — if you don’t want controversy, don’t invite controversial speakers. Uh-duh.

Susan J. Elliot, author, relationship coach, counselor and speaker/ presenter, wrote an article on the subject that was featured last year on the Huffington Post. Elliot stresses that even after an amicable breakup, it’s extremely difficult to be friends, at least initially. The bond of the couple needs to break and sifting through the emotional aftermath takes time in order to efficiently heal.

“Each needs to deal with the breakup in their own way, apart from the scrutiny of the person they just broke up with,” she said.

“Most people cannot remain friends after a breakup, but if it will ever be, it will be later — much later. The atmosphere immediately following a breakup is too emotionally charged for it to happen right away, if at all.”

Elliot references a couple who had dinner together every now and then after they ended their relationship; two months into this new “friendship” routine, one of their meals turned into a heated fight. Both were moving on, which brought certain feelings to the surface.

If you’re the one pushing to be friends, Elliot suggests examining your motives. Perhaps you’re trying to avoid your grief or you want the benefits without the responsibility. If you’re on the receiving end of a “let’s be friends” agenda, she says to just be honest; there’s no long-winded explanations needed if you don’t want to venture into that realm.

“I think that maintaining a friendship with an ex or someone you previously dated is dependent on a few things,” Ashley Knox, who has her masters in social work, said.

“One, how the relationship ended, two, whether both parties have been able to move on successfully enough so that they can begin purely a friendship and three, whether any new boyfriends or girlfriends in the picture are accepting of you maintaining contact with your ex.”

Alex Karpovsky plays Ray, a witty, cynical 20-something on the award-winning HBO series, “Girls” (a show that’s entwined with relationship dilemmas). Karpovsky fielded questions on Rookie, a Web site for teenage girls. The second question that was asked in this quirky video-chat inquired about staying friends with an ex.

“I’m personally of the opinion that it’s hard,” he said. Karpovsky mused that the only way it’s likely is when you’re both completely over each other and have moved on.

Yet if someone still harbors a glimmer of hope, being platonic friends may prove to be difficult.

“Being friends with your ex can be a minefield,” Elliot noted. “Don’t try to cross it in the early stages of a breakup. The early stage is about taking care of you.”

This may happen because girls are frequently told early in childhood that if a guy teases or berates, it’s because he actually feels quite the opposite — he’s acting mean because he’s interested. And with that, a spark is ignited.

Girls misread certain unfriendly vibes as interest, and therefore yearn to track down their attention.

A 2008 article, “Why Nice Guys Finish Last,” discusses the positive side of negative traits such as callousness, narcissism, impulsivity and other antisocial traits) and how it can affect a girl’s desire to flock to the guy who embodies this persona.

“We would traditionally consider these dark triad traits to be adverse personality traits, and we think that women would avoid these kinds of men,” Peter Jonason, researcher/study investigator, said in the article.

“But what we show is counterintuitive — that women are attracted to these bad boys and they do pretty well in terms of sheer numbers of sexual partners.”

Jonason categorizes the modern-day ‘bad boy’ as a male with little empathy, and one who’s a seeker of mainly short-term goals (goals that are usually achieved). Jonason believes that perhaps these traits have been evolutionary successes since they have persevered in so many individuals.

The three traits that may signify a ‘bad boy’ — what Jonason refers to as the “dark triad bad boy” traits — include:

• A man with little empathy for others
• A penchant for fast cars and even faster women
• A seeker of short-term rather than long-term goals — especially concerning the opposite sex

Some experts think that these narcissistic males may be embellishing stories of their sexual conquests, but regardless of the success they do have, there is a silver lining for the nice guys who don’t follow a similar agenda.

Everett Worthington, professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, claims in the same article that while males with dark triad traits may be more advantageous in short-term sexual relationships, their fortune in long-term relationships is compromised.

“A strategy of building trust and intimacy and commitment is, by nature, going to take longer. Thus, the payoffs are likely to be greater in the short term.

“However, long-term relationship survival is likely to be strongly disadvantaged in people with dark triad traits,” Worthington said.

And ultimately, it’s really the long-term that matters, right?

As result, while many of us have developed into healthy adults in our careers and in our roles as parents or friends, we are stuck when it comes to sex.

Contemplating the idea of entering into our own sexual minds can cause fear and anxiety. There is religious, cultural, and familial judgment and persecution for being direct and honest about sex. There can be fear of facing parts of ourselves that we don’t understand and fear of exposing things about ourselves that feel wrong or shameful. There is understandable reluctance about going back into painful or upsetting sexual experiences from our past.

There is also a natural aversion to looking directly at our own sex lives.

So how can you be more grownup when thinking about your sexuality?

Sex may be a realm where we want to stay somewhat unconscious. We might not want to give up the escape and release from our adult responsibilities. We might believe in the idea that sex should just flow, be natural, and not require thought or work. We might think that there is nothing less sexy than talking honestly about sex.

But if you are interested in a lifetime of healthy sexual energy, thinking and talking about your relationship with sex is enormously fruitful. Like any other aspect of our healthy human development, from physical to intellectual to emotional to spiritual, sexual growth requires attention and work. And, as with the other areas of our development, moving forward sexually means becoming more conscious.

We become more sexually conscious by taking an honest and compassionate look at the full range of our sexual thoughts, feelings, fantasies, and fears. This process often goes slowly as we work to move beyond walls of shame or judgment. We might need professional support to face traumatic past experiences, or to support us to make changes that reflect our increased sexual honesty.

There is a price for becoming sexually conscious, just as there is moving from childhood to adulthood: It can involve a sense of a loss of freedom. As we progress into greater honesty and awareness, we lose the freedom to use sex as a way to escape from ourselves and act out our unconscious issues.

What we get in return is another kind of freedom. We get the freedom from being controlled by psychological patterns that operate largely under the radar of our consciousness and lead us into sexual experiences that don’t fit with the rest of our adult selves. Instead of repeating the same old behaviors, we gain the power to make conscious choices about how to fulfill our needs and desires and the capacity to find satisfaction in sexual experiences that feel whole and right.

So, whether you are in your 20’s or 80’s, single or married, consider the path of sexual growth. Get the support you need to safely look back into your sexual history and to look deeply into your current sexual self. Explore who you are as a sexual being. Try to be objective about the role of alcohol or drugs in your sex life. Be honest with yourself about your relationship with your body.

If you are in a relationship, reflect on what you communicate to your partner through sex, and what you communicate through NOT having sex. Look at how issues around control, self-esteem, and fears of inadequacy play out in your sex life. Begin to talk directly to your partner about your own sexual self, and gently ask questions about your partner’s thoughts and feelings about sex.

These difficult and often awkward steps toward sexual consciousness take great courage, but the payoff can be profound. By freeing ourselves from the prison of our old patterns, we liberate the creativity and intensity of our sexual energy and harness our adult sexual power.

Most men do not cheat because they don’t love you anymore. Men cheat because they want more variety in their sex lives. Some complain of being bored. They want to feel adored by their partners; they want to asert their freedom; they are tired of disappointing you; they want a partner who places them at the center of their life, and they no longer feel like the priority in yours.

Sometimes it’s because you are speaking different love languages, and some men say it is a biological directive to procreate with as many women as possible for survival of the species. Whatever the reason, men have an innate need to feel respected and appreciated by their partners. It is most disconcerting for a man to realize he has disappointed his partner in some way. He wants to be her hero.

So, here are 10 ways to prevent your man from cheating.

1. Be willing to initiate sex. Men equate sex with desirability. Help your man to feel desired by expressing your love in a physical way.

2. Be open to experimentation. It can be easy to get comfortable and fear of the unknown can stop you from being open to different sexual experiences. Allow your man to try new things with you. If you won’t, there will be someone else who will. I’m not saying to engage in sexual activity you find repulsive but allow yourself to experience new things with the man you love.

3. Don’t over-accommodate. Sometimes in a relationship, a woman can become too accommodating. Men get into relationshipswith a very clear picture of what a lifetime partner looks like and this is often in stark contrast to whom he may have dated casually. Women work to become the person their partner wants them to be and in doing so, they lose themselves. One day, their man realizes this is what he asked for but he isn’t sure it’s what he really wants. Maintain a healthy sense of self in your relationship.

4. Don’t become too controlling. Often without realizing it, when we get into relationships we attempt to control the other person to do what works best for us. We engage in destructive relationship habits such as complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing or rewarding to control.

5. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. Sometimes when women “get” the guy and get married, they begin to get a false sense of security. Remember, all relationships are voluntary. A person can leave at any time. With an over 50% divorce rate in this country, we need to remember how important it is to maintain a positive relationship, not simply to acquire one.

6. Let him have time to himself. Some men cheat because they begin to feel hemmed in by the relationship. Engaging in an affair can provide them the sense of freedom they lose in a relationship. Allow your man time for himself without you. Don’t try to monopolize all your guy’s time. Be open to time apart for him to spend with friends, pursue hobbies, etc. so he does not feel he has no freedom.

7. Be aware of your emotions. Whether or not we are aware of it, women are masters at using their emotions to communicate volumes without speaking any words. We communicate anger, rage, sadness and disappointment that is received by our partners.

Instead of taking that as a cue to do something different, some men begin to look for another partner who idolizes them the way you used to. Don’t forget, your man wants to know he lights you up not that he is constantly disappointing you.

8. Prioritize your relationship. Often, when a man cheats, you will find the woman is also having an “affair” that’s not sexual. It’s more socially appropriate. This “affair” takes the form of prioritizing something, anything, over the relationship. This could be a job, children, a sick relative, a charity or anything that puts her man lower on her totem pole than the first position.

Prioritize your relationship over everything else. This is the relationship you want to last for all your life. Other things will fade away and the relationship will still be there if you tend to it carefully.

9. Learn his love language. If you are not familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, please read it. It has the potential to save more marriages than marriage counseling has. Learn your man’s  love language and speak it to him regularly. He will know he is loved and remain true to you.

10. Find his relationship pattern. I do not know how to combat the biology argument. Some men simply believe it is hard wired into their genes to have sexual relations with as many women as they can. If this is your man, it probably won’t matter what you do. Try to recognize these men early on by asking about their dating history.

If this is a pattern with your man, he probably isn’t likely to change just because you love him best. Your best defense against this problem is to be discriminating at the onset.

If you have read this article and wonder, what about him? What does he need to do? I wanted to write an article for women. I encounter more women in pain over their mate’s infidelity than I do men. This is for you.

And I want to conclude by saying, if you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t point your finger at your partner. Look into the mirror and decide what it is that’s causing the unhappiness. If you want something different from your man, ask for it. If he gives you what you want, then great! If he doesn’t then look inside yourself for the solution. Accept your man as he is and adjust yourself to better be able to manage your relationship. And if he is violating one of your non-negotiables, leaving might be your best option.

Happy couple photo available from Shutterstock

But when powerful men — most recently CIA Director General David Petraeus — admit to infidelity, we’re often taken aback. (Or maybe some of us aren’t that shocked, after all.)

Petraeus joins a long line of philanderers in prominent positions: Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton and John Edwards, just to name a few.

But regardless of whether you’re surprised to hear these men strayed, the question is the same: Why?

Why do powerful men with such pivotal professions and important responsibilities commit adultery? Why do men with so much to lose — great positions, families and reputations — risk it all for a fling?

Power certainly may play a role. For instance, in a survey of 1,561 professionals, Joris Lammers, an assistant professor at Tilburg University, and colleagues found that the more power people had, the more likely they were to cheat. Plus, the more power people had, the more confident they were.

(They also found no gender differences in past cheating or the desire to cheat. Women were just as likely to cheat or want to cheat as men were.)

Initial research also points to fascinating brain findings when people are given just a fleeting sense of power. Lammers told NPR, “You can see the brain structure associated with positive things, with rewards, is just much more activated than the part that is steered toward preventing the bad things from happening.”

The piece also talks about interesting research in college students, which found that when both male and female students were given a temporary sense of power, they tended to flirt more with a stranger of the opposite sex who sat next to them.

According to Orbuch, the sheer presence of temptation may explain why powerful men cheat. Power – and all that comes with it, such as wealth and fame – is attractive to many women, she said. And, sometimes, these women can become aggressive with their advances, she said.

Loneliness might be another reason. Men in power, including General Petraeus, are often away from their families for days, even weeks, Orbuch said. As a result, they end up yearning for female companionship, she said.

Some powerful men might crave the adrenaline rush. “They perform well under high stress and continually need and enjoy excitement or challenges to drive them forward. An affair gives them that same type of exhilaration in their private life,” Orbuch said.

These individuals also are surrounded by yes-men who placate them – and, often, their bad decisions. “Powerful men tend to be surrounded by people who protect them, idolize them, and even ‘enable’ their vices in order to remain inside their influential orbit.”

Having people in your inner circle who constantly approve of your actions can swell your ego. And it can make you feel like the limits you once put on yourself are loosening – and loosening, she said.

Powerful men might believe they’re impervious to getting caught or can conceal their transgressions because of the resources at their disposal, Orbuch said.

She also noted that powerful men – and people in general – cheat when they want change. “Something in the man’s life or his relationship isn’t OK, and the affair creates the trigger for change,” she said. That something might be boredom after many years together, she said.

Powerful men may cheat for a variety of reasons. But the result is usually the same: Positions, reputations and families are irrevocably broken.

Why do you think
powerful men cheat?

Beautiful images of fashion, art, vacation destinations, and food: what’s not to love about Pinterest?

Well, after seeing several pins labeled “thinspiration,” displaying overly thin women and quotes like, “All I want is to be happy, confident, and skinny as hell,” I decided it was time to speak up.

The image in this post is of me, back in my modeling days. This photo was very popular with friends and family on Facebook and with my followers on a modeling website I was a member of at the time.

If Pinterest had been around back then, I definitely would have pinned it for all to see.

Some may look at this image and see a woman that offers “thinspiration,” but the truth is actually much darker.

See, for over a decade, I was obsessed with diet and exercise and was constantly skating on the edge of being diagnosed with an eating disorder.

For many years, the side effects of my lifestyle were of little concern. There was plenty of outside validation and even envy toward my dedication and discipline to diet and exercise. I even landed a modeling contract, receiving more encouragement to maintain my slender frame.

But after a decade of living this harsh and rigid lifestyle, I received a wake-up call that changed the way I viewed my body forever.

At the ripe old age of 26, I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis.

Often referred to as a “silent killer,” this bone-thinning disease had been developing for close to a decade without any pain or discomfort.

And that was only the beginning.

Amenorrhea, digestive issues and painful intercourse were just a few of the other not-so-glamorous truths hidden in the above photo. Eventually, depression, chronic illness and overuse injuries would also be added to this list.

Think this can’t happen to you? Think again.

35 percent of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20 to 25 percent progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.¹

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.² About half of young female patients with anorexia nervosa have osteoporosis.³ And some of the other side effects of eating disorders are just as common. For example, up to 50 percent of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression.⁴

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.⁵

Pinterest makes it clear they do not promote eating disorders right on their site, but images promoting “thinspiration” are still getting pinned.

And Pinterest is just one of several sites facing this “thinspiration” battle. Youtube and Livejournal are also on the list, as are many other sites, some dedicated completely to the “Thinspo” ideology.⁶

All of this indicates that more awareness needs to be raised about the negative side effects of overexercising and undereating.

So let’s start a Pinterest revolution.

Let’s see how many times we can get this image re-pinned, and let’s make it known that “thinspiration” is not as sexy as everybody thinks it is.

The last thing we need is more content promoting an unhealthy, unrealistic body image. What we do need, however, is a bit more inspiration to look within and develop a healthy, loving and understanding relationship with our own bodies.

1. Shisslak, C.M., Crago, M., & Estes, L.S. (1995). The Spectrum of Eating Disturbances. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 18(3):209-219.
2. The Renfrew Center Foundation for Eating Disorders, “Eating Disorders 101 Guide: A Summary of Issues, Statistics and Resources,” 2003.
3. Osteoporosis and Eating Disorders. Eating Disorders Review, 11 (5). Retrieved from http://www.eatingdisordersreview.com/nl/nl_edr_11_5_11.html on 12 November 2012.
4. Mortality in Anorexia Nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1995; 152 (7): 1073-74.
5. Mortality in Anorexia Nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1995; 152 (7): 1073-74.
6. Stonebridge, V. L. (2011). Thinspiration: New Media’s Influence on Girls with Eating Disorders. Thesis, Department of Public Relations College of Communication, Rowan University. Retrieved from http://dspace.rowan.edu/bitstream/handle/10927/188/stonebridgev-t.pdf?sequence=1 on 12 November 2012.

I met Jay when he was four years old. He came into my office because he said, “She’s a bitch and I would like to fuck her” to a preschool girl.

He was four.

I truly believe that he had no idea what he was saying and what the actual words meant. However, he had been exposed to these words and had even witnessed many things that he never should have. Jay had been recently removed from his parents custody and sent to live with his grandfather.

Why am I telling you this? Your kids are going to school with other Jays now. He’s the little boy with behavioral problems. He’s the grade-school kiddo who french kisses girls on the bus. He’s the sexually promiscuous teenager.

It is not Jay’s fault that he was exposed to such vile things at a young age. It will take a lifetime to rewire and “fix” his brain connections around the concept sex and what it means. And unfortunately, Jay is not alone.

There are hundreds of kids walking through my office door … and most of them are aware of sex or at least know “what boys and girls do.” So, it is crucial that parents start getting comfy with the notion of talking about sex with their kids. A recent article in USA Today says “teens are even less comfortable talking about sex with their parents than parents are.”

Kids are going to learn about sex whether parents talk to them about it or not. As a professional, I believe in having kids learn about sex from their parents instead of their friends and sex education courses. With that in mind, here are some simple tips for talking to your kids about sex:

1. Establish trust. You need a relationship with the children before discussing sex. So begin building one if it hasn’t already been established.

Kids do not want to talk to people who are just going to lecture them or tell them what not to do. Spend time listening to your kids’ life and what’s happening in it before you have “the talk.”

2. Gauge maturity. The talk you have with them depends on their emotional age. You definitely are not going to go into a detailed discussion about sexual intercourse with a kindergartner. However, you can have a chat about boundaries and private parts.

This is a necessary conversation for kids that are going out into the big world by themselves. As for teens, be prepared to talk about everything from blow jobs to anal sex because most of them are discussing these topics at school.

3. Open the door. Give them permission to come to you with any questions, comments, or thoughts. Open the door for communication.

If your kids know that they are not going to get in trouble if they come to talk with you about a tough topic, they will be more willing to come to you with their problems. Freak out after they leave the room.

4. Make the first move. Do not expect them to make the first move. Kids do not wake up thinking, “How can I connect to my parents today?” That’s your job.

Go to them and open the discussion with, “Hey, I want to have the talk with you about sex. Let’s chat tonight after dinner.”

When you start the chat, ask if they have questions. Answer those questions. Then, give them facts.

Before you finish the discussion, leave the door open, “I want you to know, you can come to me anytime with any question. I want you to have accurate information and to be safe.

5. Laugh. Expect humor to happen. Sex is a funny topic. I still don’t understand why we’re all so weird about it. Even as adults, we make sexual comments and innuendos.

Your kids are doing this at school too. There will be joking and laughing. That’s okay! Laughter actually releases stress and will help you get through this discussion comfortably.

6. Teach limits. Teach them about self-respect and respecting others. In a world where kids are connected to technology as infants, many mixed messages are thrown at their impressionable brains.

Discuss what is and isn’t acceptable in relationships. For example, “It’s okay for a guy who likes you to flirt with you. It’s not okay for a guy to call you a slut or comment about your breasts.” “The talk” is just as much about the relationship with ourselves as it is about having a sexual relationship with someone else.

You can handle this! You made it through and your kids need your support to make it through too.

More love advice from YourTango:

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However, they show that some abusers slipped through the cracks, others were given a second chance and include evidence of some failures to take proper steps to report suspected abuse to authorities.

The Boy Scouts have issued an acknowledgement that in some incidents their response was “insufficient, inappropriate and wrong” and have apologized for their mishandling of certain situations.

And let’s not forget that generations of boys have had healthy, positive, life-affirming experiences with the Boy Scouts.  This current report, which involves a small fraction of the millions of volunteers over the years, should not discount the positive aspects of the organization, the skills it has taught and positive values it has instilled in many boys

At the same time, are there lessons to be learned from the report?

It’s not possible to compare incidence and handling of sex abuse in the Boy Scouts to other, similar, organizations, because so few keep detailed records.  But these records give us an opportunity to review and, hopefully, apply lessons learned.

According to Jason Felch, an investigative reporter for the Los Angeles Times, in an interview by Neil Cohen on NPR, the files include handwritten notes from young men. The notes discuss abuse by troop leaders, provide detailed, although sometimes incomplete, accounts of allegations that have emerged over time, and contain some police reports about the allegations as well as discussions among Scouts officials regarding how best to handle allegations.

Awareness of  “acquaintance molestation,” which is what most frequently occurred in the Boy Scouts, crystallized with experts and the general population in the 1980s.  This data, dating from well before that, might help to better understand how these predators operate and is vital to preventing this type of abuse, which may account for as much as two-thirds of sexual abuse.

One aspect of sexual abuse revealed in these files is grooming behavior.  That is, innocent-appearing behaviors often set the stage for abuse.  Felch describes grooming behaviors as often involving predators allowing boys to break rules, then progressing to driving cars, drinking alcohol and watching pornography together.  They escalate to skinny dipping and sharing tents and then culminate in abuse.

Grooming behaviors make it less likely that a victim will report the abuse, because they feel culpable.

Although it’s unlikely that the Boy Scouts will be held criminally responsible for their handling (and in some cases, mishandling) of allegations of abuse, it is likely that many young men who experienced abuse will be triggered by the release of these documents.  It is common, in cases of sexual abuse, that victims face the abuse only years after it has occurred.

This type of abuse often has a lifelong impact on the victims, particularly if victims don’t receive support.  It can alter the course of a young person’s life, lead to other life problems such as various types of addiction, and can cause victims to participate in abuse themselves when they reach adulthood.

What can we learn from the Boy Scouts about stopping this sort of abuse? Kelly Clark, a lawyer who sought for these files to be open, says that child abuse thrives in secrecy.  Opening the files brings the abuse to light and hopefully allows other organizations to learn from it.  For example, in the files, Clark points out cases that were insufficiently investigated or those in which one boy came forward and a leader was removed, but no one questioned whether the abuse went further than that one boy.

The following is a link to the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, a confidential hotline offering counseling and information on rape and sexual abuse.

Although there is no sure fire way to prevent sexual assault, the hotline offers tips to help protect your children here.

A recent study published by Christine Milrod and co-author Ronald Weitzer analyzes 2,442 postings written by people who pay for sex on an online discussion board that reviews sex providers and their services. Approximately one-third of the posts discussed emotional intimacy between sex workers and their clients.

Many of the people who paid for sex expressed a desire to grow their relationships beyond the sex act and develop feelings and mutual love with the person. So what kinds of things do people who pay for sex tell themselves?

5 Ways People Who Pay For Sex Lie To Themselves

1. “I’m not doing anything wrong.” 

The responders make excuses and do not obey the law. These comments were posted by people who are paying for sex. These people are a sub group of the population who are engaging in illegal activity. From a societal view, those who act outside the norms and rules of the society are not the norm for the culture.

Those who engage in paying for sex are breaking the law. Many of the people who engage in prostitution are also involved in a primary relationship like marriage or are living together. Usually, there is a social contract between the two people to be there for each other. In paying for sex, they are breaking this contract as well. In many ways, they are committing relational violence in their primary relationship. 22 Ways Couples Can Overcome Infidelity

2. “This could turn into a real relationship.” 

The responders think they are getting a real relationship, but they are really seeking instant gratification. In one survey, 32% of customers arrested for soliciting a prostitute said they bought sex because they “didn’t have time” for a conventional relationship. 28% did not want “the responsibilities” of a relationship, and 18% said they would “rather have sex with a prostitute than have a conventional relationship with a woman.”

In other words, 78% of the people paying for sex did not want to bother with a “real” relationship and would rather pay for sex.  An unspoken message here is that the transaction between the sex worker and the client is about money and control. The client is paying to have sex acts done to him, which help feed his fantasies. He gets to call the shots. The sex worker is providing a service to get paid.

3. “I just do it for the thrill.” 

The responders say they are seeking the thrill, but they may be setting themselves up for a full blown sexual addiction. Biologically, people who seek intensity and thrill by engaging in a sex acts are programming their brains to seek greater and greater thrills to get the same effect. The engagement of risky behavior leads to more risky behavior. Many of the responders might experience anxiety and withdrawal symptoms if they chose to stop paying for sex. 7 Signs Your Partner Is A Sex Addict

4. “I think I might love them.” 

But really, the responders could be acting out their fantasies. They could be imagining they have a “feelings of love” for the sex worker. Even in “real” relationships there is an aspect of projecting what you want onto the other person. It makes sense that someone who pays a “repeat” sex worker could imagine he has a “real relationship” with her. I wonder what would happen if he stopped paying?

5. “I derserve it.” 

The responders have a sense of entitlement. In other words they are saying, “I want sex a certain way and I deserve to get it.” While we are pre-programmed by design as humans to propagate the earth, similar to animals. We also have the ability to think and feel. Yes someone can pay for sex and feel momentarily satisfied; however, in my opinion they are depriving themselves the joy of true authentic emotional connection with a real person based on mutuality for the long term.

If you have paid sex workers and have tried to stop and keep going back to it, seek professional help. You can overcome this behavior. There is a way out. You can click on any of the links to contact Sex Addicts Anonymous(SAA), Sexaholics Anonymous(SA), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous(SLAA), Prodigals, Inc., PureDesire, SexHelp.com or myself for help.

How do you get love and emotional intimacy?

It all begins with a commitment to being the healthiest you can be, from the inside out. Learn to love all the parts of yourself even the places that hurt or feel shameful. Healthy sexuality between two people, involves vulnerability and safety in the relationship. Both partners are attached to one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This model of relationship mutually benefits each partner. It takes work and time to develop emotional intimacy, and it also requires delayed gratification. By learning how to be a safe person emotionally with a chosen safe person, you can develop a more complex positive response system that is stable and sustainable over time. Choose wisely. Why Do Married Men Pay For Sex?

Teresa Maples MS is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Washington State. Connect with me for more information about healing from those things that get in the way of living life to its fullest.  

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