In her book Crafting Calm: Projects and Practices for Creativity and Contemplation, Oman Shannon quotes the 20th-century Catholic priest Henri Nouwen, who said, “Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love.”

Oman Shannon believes the same can be said about the creative life. Through creating, she writes, “we can enter the stillness that characterizes prayer and the ‘house of love.’ We can open ourselves and experience spaciousness.”

In Crafting Calm, Oman Shannon shares a variety of creative activities, stories and resources that help readers relax, comfort ourselves, get clarity and connect with others. Ultimately, connecting to our creativity can help us connect to our spirituality. In other words, crafting can become a spiritual practice.

Here are three exercises from her book to bring you calm and comfort and help you connect to your spirituality.

Prayer Garden

“Gardening is a wonderful practice for bringing one back to the present moment,” Oman Shannon writes. She suggests creating a prayer garden with plants that are meaningful to you.

If you follow a specific religion, you might pick the plants that are mentioned in your favorite passages of your holy book. For instance, the Old and New Testaments include lilies, papyrus and olive. Once you choose your plants, you can create labels that include those passages.

When creating your garden, Oman Shannon suggests pondering these additional questions: “What do particular scents – lavender, rose, peppermint – remind me of? What fragrances, or scents, do I need to surround myself with right now? What would calm me and why? What in my life feels sweet right now? Spicy? Energizing? Calming?”

According to Oman Shannon, whatever approach or shape your garden takes, there are important lessons to be learned. “Whether we create a simple prayer garden, consciously choose outdoor plants that remind us of the ancient wisdom in the Scriptures, or work with herbs in a windowsill, we will be rewarded with nourishment from nature and the lessons nature can teach us.”

Portable Shrine

A portable shrine can serve as a comforting tool, which soothes your mind and heart, Oman Shannon writes. You might not know it but you’re probably carrying around a portable shrine right now. Oman Shannon notes that a shrine could be anything from “a sacred symbol on a keychain” to “a collection of photographs of your beloveds on an iPhone.”

Cultures all over the world use shrines, and they do so in unique ways. In Central and South American countries, people use tiny matchboxes. Oman Shannon bought one with a “worry doll,” a clay angel pendant and a red seed. On the matchbox, it says, “There are moments in which you need a peaceful vibe, a touch of good luck, and someone to tell your worries to. Use this emergency kit to balance those tough moments! An angel for peaceful thoughts, a Lucky Bean and a Worry Doll.”

When creating your own portable shrine, Oman Shannon suggests considering what brings you the most comfort and what would symbolize that best.

Affirmation Blanket

All of us, Oman Shannon writes, have some sort of “blankie” that brings us comfort, whether it’s a sweatshirt or specific throw. Years ago, she bought a blanket for her young daughter that includes phrases such as “I am filled with unlimited possibilities,” “I am a true miracle” and “I am a bright light in the world.”

Her daughter not only sees these words (which serve as an important reminder), but she also feels them, “as they are in every way wrapped around her.”

Oman Shannon believes that our need for these words and blankets doesn’t dissipate as we get older. “…[I]f anything, we perhaps need them more as we navigate a world that doesn’t stop to communicate what a bright light we are in it.”

Depending on your expertise, you can create an affirmation quilt or embroider your affirmations into a pillowcase or other lightweight fabric. Or you can use fabric paint or pens on a fleece blanket.

When considering what words to pick, Oman Shannon suggests asking these questions: “What words will serve as your strength, your shield, at this time in your life? What words comfort you; what words do you need to wrap yourself up in right now – literally?”

Creativity offers a bounty of benefits. By using our hands to craft meaningful objects and environments, we can soothe ourselves and cultivate a spiritual practice.

Suggestions abound about the necessity (not mere option) of striving toward certain pinnacles in life, be they health challenges to overcome or professional goals to better implement. The condition of being human in a complex world requires much life-energy spent on going after what’s really important and required of each of us, rather than in chasing distractions.

I like the addition to this philosophy, though, of an element I believe that’s equally required in the mix. It was well stated in a New York Times Career column editorial on Sept. 30, 2012, describing that mere work and dedication are not enough to reach one’s goals.

Real “audacity” must be paired with a balancing measure of “humility.”

Akin to gentle strength — a metaphorical pairing I really latched onto a decade ago (and symbolized for me by a picture of a Sioux woman carrying a heavy burden of wood through snow on her shoulders) — risk and humility go hand in hand. The latter does not temper the trajectory of the extension of the risk-taking — our liabilities do that. Humility simply properly balances the scale, accompanying our grand, significant striving motions that move us forward to what we deserve in our lives, our bodies, our work, our relationships.

You must believe in yourself, your ideas and needs, and go toward what is required and needed for wholeness with a measured sense of humble acknowledgement that our unique assets are indeed worth preserving, declaring, and cultivating.

Attaining something that changes the playing field might seem unreachable to an individual, group or company at any given time. With risk-taking, with the grit of unusual and unique dedication to topics normally resisted, they can be accomplished.

True change is risk paid off as ultimate reward for many — daring to utter the normally not-spoken, pursuing what needs to be addressed that everyone hides their head in the sand about, whether it be mental health or business or cultural issues, and going after the big players who do naught but ill in their work. But it also exposes and celebrates those who create good as individuals and for society.

Things that require over-the-top courage are the very things that will liberate and invigorate an individual as much as the larger whole.

Think in your life where bold steps paid off. Then reflect some more on future risk and reward and link your next steps, with the appropriate measure of humility in the mix — experiential learning, professional advancement, a focus on personal or organizational wellness. Whatever is required, take risks; strive for it. No greater reward will reveal itself than deep personal satisfaction with far-reaching impact.

Its narrow and inaccurate perception explains why many of us — women in particular — feel guilty about attending to our needs. It explains why many of us stumble around drained and depleted.

However, self-care offers a slew of benefits. And it feels good to nourish our needs.

Below, experts dispel seven of the most common myths surrounding self-care.

1. Myth: Self-care is all or nothing.

Fact: Many people believe that self-care means spending an entire day of pampering or “it’s not worth it,” said Anna Guest-Jelley, a body empowerment educator, yoga teacher and founder of Curvy Yoga. However, while pampering is a great way to nurture yourself, it doesn’t define self-care.

“I believe that self-care is really found in the small moments of life – when you choose to take a deep breath because you notice you’re feeling stressed, or when you give yourself three minutes before bed to sit quietly and reflect on your day.”

2. Myth: Self-care requires resources that you don’t have.

Fact: Self-care is often viewed as a luxury that many of us have neither the time nor the money to enjoy. “Self-care does not need to involve an expensive spa or tropical vacation, nor does it need to take hours of your day,” according to Joyce Marter, LCPC, a therapist and owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance.

For instance, self-care can be “10 minutes of mindfulness meditation a day or doing some stretching or taking an Epsom salt bath,” she said. These simple practices “can go a long way in rebooting your mind and body.”

3. Myth: Self-care is optional.

Fact: Running yourself ragged can lead to unhealthy habits, because our needs can’t go unmet for too long. “If you choose not to create room for self-nurture or rest, it will elbow its way in, often in forms that feel less than self-caring in the moment,” according to Ashley Eder, LPC, a psychotherapist in Boulder, Colo. These forms include compulsive behaviors such as overeating and even symptoms of depression, she said.

If you find yourself turning to these kinds of habits, explore the needs you’re meeting with them. And “offer yourself that choice directly instead of through these backdoor behaviors.”

4. Myth: Self-care is unfeminine.

Fact: The media perpetuates messages that femininity is “other-focused and self-denying,” Eder said. We typically see female protagonists focusing on everyone else’s needs, listening to others instead of speaking and playing a supporting role, she said. Care-taking is portrayed as a woman’s job.

“This only makes sense in real life if you want the star of the play to be a man. It does not work for a woman to play a supporting role in her own show.”

If you notice that your needs are going unmet, “try asking yourself who the main character in your life is right now, and whether you would like to stick with that or change it.”

5. Myth: Self-care is anything that soothes you.

Fact: Many people turn to alcohol, TV marathons, smart phone games and food to soothe their stress and unwind, Marter said. But these habits are the opposite of self-care. “Self-care practices need to support health and wellness and should not be addictive, compulsive or harmful to your mind, body or bank account,” she said.

6. Myth: We have to earn the right to practice self-care.

Fact: “Our lives are organized culturally with an emphasis in the first third of our lives on education, the second around career and family development, and the last third for leisure,” said Sarah McKelvey, MA, NCC, a psychotherapist with a private practice in Centennial, Colo.

This creates the notion that we can only take good care of ourselves after we’ve accomplished certain goals. Yet it is self-care that gives us the energy and nourishment we need to achieve great things.

7. Myth: Practicing self-care means making a choice between yourself and others.

Fact: “When we are not taking care of ourselves, we end up in a cycle of deprivation in which the activities of our day deplete our energetic and emotional reserves,” McKelvey said. We become frustrated, cranky and needy, she said. We look to others to nourish our needs and replenish those reserves.

“Ironically, all of our efforts of sacrifice make us vulnerable to actually ‘being selfish.’” Yet, when we’re meeting our needs, we have more energy to give to others. “There is nothing greater to offer the world than your inspired and well-nourished self.”

Self-care is an important part of our lives. It is the basis for our well-being.

Now, in addition to your original stressor, you’re under more pressure because you’re scrambling to find lost keys, dealing with hurt feelings or frantically reconstructing forgotten projects.

And on top of that, when stressed, our emotions are running rampant. That scramble for the keys is anything but calm and a remark from your mother about that missed phone call can send you deep into guilt.

It’s easy to attribute these lapses in memory and emotional intensity to simple overload. When we’re stressed it’s typically at least in part because we’ve got too much going on and we just don’t have the capacity to keep up with everything.

Scientists have known what common sense tells us — that stress has an impact on memory and emotion.  But it’s not just that we have a lot going on and aren’t paying attention. Stress actually has an impact on how the brain processes information and stores memories. And research over the last several decades has pinpointed changes in certain areas of the brain during times of stress.

Now new research, published in the Journal of Neuroscience builds on previous understanding of the brain. It suggests that dramatic changes that occur in the brain when under stress are linked to our emotions and scattered memory.

Chronic stress affects two important areas of the brain when it comes to memory: the hippocampus and the amygdala.

In this new research, electrical signals in the brain associated with the formation of factual memories weaken while areas in the brain associated with emotion strengthen.

So, according to these researchers, with increasing stress, our brains are wired to discount factual information and to rely heavily on emotional experiences.

“Our findings suggest that the growing dominance of amygdalar activity over the hippocampus during and even after chronic stress may contribute to the enhanced emotional symptoms, alongside impaired cognitive function, seen in stress-related psychiatric disorders,” the researchers suggest.

So when you’re under stress — like when you’ve forgotten that important work document and your boss makes a comment that causes you to turn to jelly inside — keep in mind that your brain is wired to highlight the emotional part of her message. The factual part of the message may be lost altogether, which can leave you both intensely emotional and failing to act on important facts.

Begin to think about some new channels of growth for yourself, as the time of year for sprouts and buds and new green shoots has begun here in the northern hemisphere.

Seedlings and fresh growth are just busting out now, reaching for the sun’s light and warmth. The approach we take to our challenges, to what has been negatively buried or merely incubating, should be the same. Especially in this time of tremendous new growth, it is good to reflect on our own striving for warmth, insight, nourishment and potential to expand.

So what kinds of questions could you ask yourself to help nurture this growth?

Some questions to think on as your fingers work in soil or you tread paths in spring woods:

• Anything keeping you down, not allowing you to grasp for new means of expanding your life professionally, personally, in relationship?
• Just what are you experiencing that is keeping you from peace and wholeness?
• How did you previously move beyond past limitations, and how have past problems been a force for change in your life?

Upon our reflection, while the earth is engaged in upheaval, the past insight we have gained over challenges and transitions will allow for our own enrichment. And some of the best revelations happen when we allow ourselves not to think directly on problems but instead immerse in other activity. New means of understanding ourselves, our lives, and our world surely will sprout as well. In fact, we as humans are called to grasp for more, reaching ever beyond our boundaries.

Explore a different path in the woods. Take one you are not accustomed to and which evokes a little anxiety, for whatever reason. Go to a new coffee shop and challenge yourself to talk to someone you do not know (at an appropriate time).

Take a course, perhaps one of the novel MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) really coming into fruition now. They are free and offered both by the most prestigious universities or more casual ones. You’d have no excuse of inconvenience or cost as these cater truly to the individual spirit clamoring for knowledge.

What you cultivate literally will lift you up and out into an evolving, perhaps entirely new, way of being.
Channels of growth occur after seeds are planted in anticipation. Not all seeds flower. Some become different looking (or tasting) than they were supposed to. Great surprises happen.

Spring is a great time to ready yourself for what is about to flower. We are not meant to stagnate (though so many of us do, continually or periodically). Think of your own growth and just what channels that might take.

What sort of flower might you grow into?

Readers made many thought-provoking comments. One reader pointed to research that suggests that talking about a goal can lead to the false feeling of already having achieved that goal. I’ve seen that research — and I’ve also seen research suggesting that talking about a goal can help you stick to that goal, by making you feel more committed, and also more accountable to the people you’ve told. So it seems to go both ways.

From my own experience — a statistically insignificant yet often helpful data point — this is a point on which people differ. Some do better if they don’t talk it up too much; some do better if they tell others what they want to do.

Exhibit A is my former roommate, who told people that she did yoga, and telling them seemed to convince her that she did, in fact, do yoga. Perhaps discussing it undermined her determination actually to do it.

Exhibit B is my friend who is trying to drink less, who says it’s very helpful to her to announce, “I’m cutting back on my drinking, so I’m only having one glass of wine tonight.” For her, telling people adds an important layer of external accountability.

So I’m curious: in your personal experience: Does announcing a resolution make you more likely to keep it, or less likely — or neither?

I don’t think it matters much to me whether I announce it or not.¹  How about you?

I had a great time doing this interview with Eric Barker, for his site Barking Up the Wrong Tree. We covered a lot of happiness territory.

1. I suspect that’s a result of my Upholder nature.

– Bosses who seem clueless to your job requirements; colleagues who can’t relate to you (or vice versa); the stress of deadlines and dissatisfaction of being in a job you are not even sure you belong in.

- Family members who throw plans into disarray, disregard you and have you questioning your commitment (as well as your sanity). Perhaps adult siblings who ask for money or come to you for advice, only for you to soon find yourself involved in maddening family triangles, or aunts and uncles who pull you into long-entrenched but silly feuds.

- Then of course there are friends who you would like to shake to knock some sense or self-reflection into.

Get the picture?

How do you cope with the trials and tribulations of being human and having to live and work among others? Laugh it off? (That’s a good element, actually.)

Acceptance, compromise, courage when really required — these are all noble and important and at the far other end of the spectrum from laughter.

But the balm that beats all, for the problems that really plague us interpersonally and professionally, is self-development. Nothing sends challenges packing quicker than a little introspection and self involvement. (No, not narcissistic self involvement.)

All the above-mentioned challenges and more can temporarily vanish, periodically dissipate and just plain lose their grip on what you see as as your life and identity with some sense of self worth. Simply finding ourselves behind the mess that often is the outer world — our chaotic office space, our cluttered family room, our ugly political arenas — can make all that other stuff take the side or back seat that it really should be occupying.

If your life really is a big mess due to situations beyond your control, then you can create an internal space that can stimulate you, be your harbor and even guide your larger path professionally.

What calms you? Woodworking, walks in the woods, gardening, hanging with your dog or cat, playing music, painting, delving into family history, learning another language, exploring new sites? Figure out what is your balm. You’ll probably find your self in the process, and be on the way toward alleviating the messes of life and much more.

What fascinates and passionately motivates you? Maybe it’s one of those items mentioned above as calming agents. Or maybe it’s tinkering with mechanical systems, live theater, jogging, studying the stars, writing poetry, working with youth, coming up with new theories for work challenges, organizing spaces, coordinating people and projects.

What makes you tick is what takes you away from troubles. Go toward it. You will be going toward a larger sense of your life and self.

You may already know what grounds you and what energizes you but apply them far too infrequently in your life. Increase it, if even in small increments.

Surprise may come. Did we forget about all that described dysfunction and trouble? No, it is still there, likely. But you have assigned its place in the larger sense of who you are. By going toward calm and captivating experiences, you’ll be shocked to discover previous personal pain alleviated in the moment, stings of rejection at work or indecision on home matters lessened, the itch quieted of desiring something more but not knowing what in your career. By this new “escape” from the mess, you just may find solutions to those larger matters at play in your life, as well — all by reflecting and acting on your self.

As a psychotherapist, I can’t count how many times I have seen individuals and couples struggle with building healthy connections in their relationships.

The most common complaint has been that they feel unfulfilled, devalued or unappreciated in relationships with others. It is my professional experience that when we get caught up in what others can do to make us feel good about ourselves, we are likely to become angry and resentful.

So how do you avoid the resentment trap in your relationship?

Four Tips to Avoid the Resentment Trap

1. Ask yourself: Am I being realistic with my expectations?

Perhaps due to unmet needs, you project your disappointments onto people who are incapable of meeting your standards. No one person can meet all of your needs. If this describes you in relationships, you will ultimately set yourself up for feeling unfulfilled and empty. Friendships, work relationships, family and partners all participate in your life in meaningful ways. But in the end, it is up to you to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

One common theme of having unrealistic expectations is getting caught up in the fantasy of what a relationship is supposed to look like — for example, having expectations that your “Prince Charming” will sweep you off your feet and all of your troubles will slip magically away. Now if this isn’t a resentment waiting to happen, I’m not sure what is!

How many women have dreamed of having their lives turn out like the fairy tale endings of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty? Realistically, how many women have had those fantasies fulfilled to their expectations?

2. Remind yourself: I am a valuable, lovable human being.

No one person can make you feel good all of the time. You can feel loved in another’s presence, but if you choose one person to define how you feel in a relationship, you will be setting yourself up for deep disappointment. If you don’t feel good about yourself, begin by acting as if you do by creating a loving mantra and reciting it each morning in front of the mirror before the day begins. Examples may include “I deserve love,” “I am lovable,” and “I am perfect just the way I am.” Recite a mantra often enough and you will begin to believe it!

3. Surround yourself with healthy people.

By healthy people, I mean people who accept you unconditionally. I am talking about people who don’t shame you or try to prevent you from making your own decisions. These are individuals who will support you with your day-to-day challenges, accept you for your “human-ness” and are okay with you making mistakes. Write a list of people you know who have these qualities and keep in contact with at least one of them on a daily basis. These are also individuals who you can give you a healthy reality check. If you struggle with an issue that keeps you feeling stuck, ask for their perspective.

4. Focus on self-care.

If you deplete yourself to the point of exhaustion, it is far more likely that you will be vulnerable to wanting your needs met by others. You may possibly go to a child-like place and demand that you get your needs met immediately. I see this sort of thing in my work with clients who are struggling in love-addicted or codependent relationships.

So what is the best remedy for healing the vulnerable child within? Replace your expectations with gentle guidance and nurture yourself through a walk, deep breathing, a yoga class, journaling or meditation. Get to know yourself better.

One exercise I recommend is making an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. Think deeply about your interests and passions. How can you begin focusing more on the things that bring you joy? You deserve loving care — and who better than yourself to give it to you?

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

Maybe they’re being secretive and have even stolen money from your wallet. Maybe their physical appearance has changed with rapid weight loss or red eyes. Maybe you’ve noticed a change in their sleep habits, energy level and mood. Maybe you’ve actually found marijuana or other drugs in their room.

Naturally, the thought and possible confirmation of your child using drugs trigger a rush and range of emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, fear.

If you think your child is using drugs, how do you approach them? Where do you start?

Two parenting experts shared their insight below.

1. Be direct and calm.

“This issue is too serious for subtlety,” said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. He suggested readers approach their kids “directly and immediately.”

Avoid letting your anger and frustration spill over into the conversation. According to Lisa Kaplin, Psy.D, a psychologist and life coach who teaches parenting classes, “The best way to approach your child is with delicacy, not drama. If you approach them with panic, anger, aggression or accusations, you can be sure your child will tell you absolutely nothing.”

Yelling, threatening and lecturing your child typically leads them to withdraw, sneak around and lie, she said.

Duffy also suggested approaching your child “from an emotional space of genuine concern for well-being.” He understands that being calm and centered is a lot to ask of parents. “But it is, without a doubt, the approach that works best in my experience.”

It’s common for kids to deny their drug use, or to respond casually (e.g.,” It’s just pot, and I don’t smoke it that often, anyway”). If this happens, “give a brief response in which you tell them that you do not want them to use drugs of any kind,” Kaplin said. Reiterate your house rules about drugs and alcohol use and “the consequences that come with that behavior.”

2. Talk when your child is lucid.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation when your child is drunk or high, Duffy said. “This might seem like common sense, but I have worked with many parents who have attempted to lecture an inebriated teenager.”

3. Ask open-ended questions.

It’s more likely that your child will be honest, and talk about their drug use if you ask open-ended questions. According to Kaplin, these are several examples: “Can you tell me more about that?  How did you feel in that situation? What will you do if that happens again? How can I help you with this?”

If your child admits to using drugs, again, “ask them with open-ended, non-judgmental questions about what drugs they have used, how often, and if they plan on using again.” You also can ask “for their input on how to proceed.”

4. Don’t punish your child.

Avoid punishing your kids, Duffy said. It rarely works. For instance, “Taking a cell phone away will never keep a drug user away from using.”

5. Show your support.

If your child reveals their drug use, “Thank [them] for being honest with you,” Kaplin said. Let them know that you’re “here to help them. Tell them you love them.”

6. Get your child treatment.

It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.

Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”

Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.

Even if your child is over 18 years old, Duffy suggested having a similar conversation. While you can’t force your older child to attend therapy, you can leverage other things, such as your financial position, he said.

It’s also important to get clear on your limits, communicate them to your adult child and follow through, Kaplin said. For instance, “can your child still live with you if they’re using drugs? If not, when must they leave and will you help them with treatment or other living arrangements?”

Knowing your child is possibly using drugs is stressful, scary and painful. And it can be incredibly hard to have a calm conversation. If you feel yourself losing control, take a break, and return when you’ve cooled off. Whether your child admits to using drugs or not, having them see a qualified therapist is critical.

Further Reading

Here’s more on symptoms of teen substance abuse, what parents can do, and reasons your child might use drugs and how to help them.

Spring is also synonymous for the proverbial “spring cleaning” that involves cleaning out the hall closet (also known as the abyss of unused, “not-quite-sure-what to do with” things), the bedroom closet spilling out with clothes you haven’t worn in a year and shoes that you forgot you owned, and in some cases, the entire house or apartment.

This time of year there are numerous articles in magazines and lifestyle segments on the morning talk show circuit featuring professional home organizers espousing spring-cleaning tips to purge the unnecessary things that clutter your physical space.

So this year, why not spring clean your life as well?

Use this time to take stock of your emotional, mental, and physical well-being in an effort to purge the unnecessary, while putting the emphasis on the positive and healthy areas in your life.

Here are some basis steps to start spring-cleaning your life:

• You give your closet or home a once-over to evaluate whether you want to keep, donate, or purge things. Take a look at your life’s emotional, mental, and physical aspects. Begin to write down or mentally list things and people you find to be positive and those you find contribute only negative energy.

  Once you start taking a closer look, you may be surprised to find out which things and people fall into which category. This process may feel both freeing and upsetting at the same time because you may discover things and people have shifted in your life for better or worse.

• Once you have a better overview of what’s in your emotional, mental, and physical “closet,” now it’s time to start figuring out what to do with the “keep, donate, purge” piles you have created. Obviously, you can cannot donate or purge people out of your live per se.

  However, you can start to redefine the role they will play in your life. You can decide how much and what type of energy you wish to expend on certain things and people.

• Redefining your relationships with things and people in your life often involves creating new boundaries with others, changing your habits or way of thinking and doing things, and learning to accept that as you change, your relationships with others and yourself change.

  Remember, any change is frequently bittersweet and the painful part of it often is the primary deterrent to change. However, if you mentally prepare yourself for this side of change you will likely be better equipped to muster your way through the tough stuff as you make your way to the other side.

As with “spring-cleaning” your closet and home, you have some difficult decisions to make about what to do in certain areas of your life. In the end, however, you ultimately feel happier, lighter, and more confident. There is now room in your life for new things, ideas, people, and adventures. Removing the clutter in your life will open the door for a simpler, more fulfilling experience with the world and others.

Proper treatment doesn’t suppress emotions or dull a person’s ability to feel things deeply. It builds a protective layer — an emotional resilience — to safeguard a depressive from becoming overwhelmed and disabled by the difficulties of daily life.

However, the tools found in happiness research are those I practice in my recovery from depression and anxiety, even though, theoretically, I can be happy and depressed at the same time. I came up with my own recovery program that coincides with the steps toward happiness published in positive psychology studies.

1. Sleep

Sleep is crucial to sanity because sleep disturbances can contribute to, aggravate, and even cause mood disorders and a host of other illnesses. The link between sleep deprivation and psychosis was documented in a 2007 study at Harvard Medical School and the University of California at Berkeley. Using MRI scans, they found that sleep deprivation causes a person to become irrational because the brain can’t put an emotional event in proper prospective and is incapable of making an appropriate response. Chronic sleep deprivation, especially, is bad news. It often affects memory and concentration. And, according to one recent study, it can cause a decline in cognitive performance similar to the intoxicated brain.

2. Diet

My mouth and brain are in constant negotiation with each other because while one loves white bread, pasta, and chocolate, the other throws a hissy fit whenever they enter my blood stream. My diet has always been an important part of my recovery from depression, but two years ago — after working with the naturopath and reading Kathleen DesMaison’s “Potatoes Not Prozac” — I could more competently trace the path from my stomach to my limbic system. Moreover, I recognized with new clarity how directly everything that I put in my mouth affects my mood.

Here are the bad boys: nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, white flour, and processed food — you know, what you live on. Here are the good guys: protein; complex starches (whole grains, beans, potatoes); vegetables; vitamins (vitamin B-complex, vitamins C, D, and E, and a multivitamin); minerals (magnesium, calcium, and zinc); and omega-3 fatty acids. I’m religious about stocking up on omega-3 capsules because leading physicians at Harvard Medical School confirmed the positive effects of this natural, anti-inflammatory molecule on emotional health.

3. Exercise

Dr. James A. Blumenthal, a professor of medical psychology at Duke University, led a recent study in which he and his team discovered that, among the 202 depressed people randomly assigned to various treatments, three sessions of vigorous aerobic exercise were approximately as effective at treating depression as daily doses of Zoloft, when the treatment effects were measured after four months. A separate study showed that the depressives who improved with exercise were less likely to relapse after 10 months than those treated successfully with antidepressants, and the participants who continued to exercise beyond four months were half as likely to relapse months later compared to those who did not exercise.

Even as little as 20 minutes a week of physical activity can boost mental health. In a new Scottish study, reported in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, 20,000 people were asked about their state of mind and how much physical activity they do in a week. The results showed that the more physical activity a person engaged in — including housework, gardening, walking, and sports — the lower their risk of distress and anxiety.

Exercise relieves depression in several ways. First, cardiovascular workouts stimulate brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells. Second, exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinephrine. Third, a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria, and helps control the brain’s response to stress and anxiety. Other added benefits include improved sleep patterns, exposure to natural daylight (if you’re exercising outside), weight loss or maintenance, and psychological aids.

4. Relationships and Community

We are social creatures and are happiest when we are in relationship. One of the clearest findings in happiness research is that we need each other in order to thrive and be happy, that loving relationships are crucial to our well-being. Relationships create a space of safety where we can learn and explore. Belonging to a group or a community gives people a sense of identity. Studies indicate that social involvement can promote health, contribute toward faster recovery from trauma and illness, and lower the risk of stress-related health problems and mental illness.

Plenty of evidence indicates that support groups aid the recovery of persons struggling with depression and decrease rates of relapse. The New England Journal of Medicine published a study in December 2001 in which 158 women with metastatic breast cancer were assigned to a supportive-expressive therapy. These women showed greater improvement in psychological symptoms and reported less pain than the women with breast cancer who were assigned to the control group with no supportive therapy.

Another study in 2002, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, followed a group of more than 100 persons with severe depression who joined online depression support groups. More than 95 percent of them said that their participation in the online support groups helped their symptoms. The online groups here on Psych Central are a great resource where you can find support from people going through similar struggles.

5. Purpose

The father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, explains in his book, “Authentic Happiness,” that a critical element to happiness exists in using your signature strengths in the service of something you believe is larger than you. After collecting exhaustive questionnaires he found that the most satisfied people were those that had found a way to use their unique combination of strengths and talents to make a difference. Dan Baker, Ph.D., director of the Life Enhancement Program at Canyon Ranch, believes that a sense of purpose — committing oneself to a noble mission — and acts of altruism are strong antidotes to depression. And then there’s Gandhi, who wrote: “the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

6. Gratitude

Gratitude doesn’t come easily to me. When my girlfriend sees a half-full glass of fresh milk, I see a half-empty glass of cholesterol-rising, cardiac-arresting agents. And when the kids’ school is called off because some road somewhere in our county apparently accumulated a half of an inch of snow, she thanks God for an opportunity to build snowmen with she kids. I have a conversation with God, too, but it’s much different.

However, I train myself to say thank you more often than is natural for me because I know that gratitude is like broccoli — good for your health in more than one way. According to psychologists like Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California Riverside, keeping a gratitude journal — where you record once a week all the things you have to be grateful for — and other gratitude exercises can increase your energy, and relieve pain and fatigue.

Shameless plug! Join me at one of three private screenings of “Happy,” a film that explores what makes us happy, followed by a discussion on depression and happiness and a book signing. Click the following links for more information:

But having less “discretionary time” as a parent can become just another excuse stopping you from creating, said Miranda Hersey, a creativity coach, host of the blog Studio Mothers and author of The Creative Mother’s Guide: Six Practices for the Early Years.

Hersey knows a lot about having little time. She has five kids, ages 5 to 22.

Yet, creativity has always been part of her life. For Hersey, “a creative life is full of passion, self-expression, intuition, observation, discovery, asking questions, learning, and making connections, with other people and the world around us.”

Writer and artist Suzi Banks Baum called creativity her “lifeline.” She’s been journaling daily since she was 14. “I wrote the day I gave birth and the day after.”

When she moved from New York City to a small community in upstate New York, she started knitting. “I felt really lonely and was verging on depression. I needed to do something with my hands.” She also joined a knitting circle and returned to Al-Anon meetings. “I began to see myself as an individual who had needs.”

When you nourish your needs, you also become a better parent. According to Hersey, “When you’re regularly creative … you’re happier, more centered, better able to deal with the inevitable stresses of life. When you follow your creative bliss, you’re also modeling something important for your children: doing what you love.”

Below, Hersey and Baum shared nine ideas for living a creative life when you have kids.

1. Do what you love.

Many people think they have to change their lifestyle to be creative, said Baum, also author of An Anthology of Babes: 36 Women Give Motherhood a Voice. But you can simply “remember or find something that you love and do it.” Hersey agreed. “We can be creative at any opportunity—not just when we’re writing or painting or dancing.” For her, “being creative is synonymous with being in love with life.”

2. Take small steps.

When your kids are younger, you may only have a few moments to yourself. During the first two years of motherhood, Baum carried a notebook in her diaper bag. She’d journal, doodle and sketch early in the morning or in the park while her kids were asleep in their strollers. She’d capture everything from scenes of her city to palm trees when she was on vacation.

She also carried a small book of poetry. “Those ‘reading snacks’ kept my mind fed with stimulating ideas and language, which are areas that in the early mothering years can feel very limited.”

Those few minutes with her books also helped Baum soothe her anxiety and worries. “It’d bring things down from a full boil to a simmer.”

Interestingly, during these first few months of infancy, many moms are flooded with ideas, Hersey said. She suggested capturing those ideas by scribbling on a piece of paper or an index card at night.

When your kids get older, there’s usually more time to create. But “you may find yourself stuck between having a tantalizing snippet of time to do your work [and] having to stop on a moment’s notice and not feeling like you can have the time that you really want, at least not on your terms,” Hersey said.

She suggested remembering that some time — like 15 minutes — is better than no time. “Drop by drop, you can still fill the bucket.”

3. Consider a class.

When Baum’s kids started school, she took a mixed media collage class. “That one class changed a lot for me.” She loved learning the material and being in a “community of other mothers doing a creative task.”

The class also helped Baum shift her self-image. “I joined a community of artists and that allowed me to see myself differently as an individual. I had never identified myself as an artist until I took that class and realized that I belonged there.” Today, she collaborates with her former instructor – now a close friend – on workshops and exhibits.

She experienced a similar shift when she took a monthly writing workshop. She started seeing herself as a writer and was inspired to help other mothers tell their stories.

4. Find a sitter.

Sometimes you might want to leave your house to focus on your creativity. If so, Hersey suggested hiring a babysitter or swapping child care with a friend.

5. Be creative with your kids.

“Let yourself do what you love while you’re with your family,” Baum said. For her, cooking, knitting, gardening and attending museums are all important creative acts. So when her kids played in the yard, she gardened. When they went to coffee shops, she took out her notebook and sketched. She also knitted her kids’ clothes and hats. When they travel, they go to museums. “My kids love this. It makes for some of the most interesting times with our family.”

This also models to your kids the importance of taking care of yourself and nourishing creativity, she added. This way practicing one’s creativity “is not seen as something you do at a certain time with a certain outfit on.”

6. Think of yourself as “in training.”

Fatigue is a big challenge for creativity, Hersey said. “Whether you’re at home full-time, navigating a part-time job, working full-time out of the house, or some unique combination, most of us are exhausted by the time the day’s work is done and the last dish is washed.”

That’s why Hersey recommended thinking of yourself as “in training for your life.” That training can include eating foods that boost your energy, exercising, sleeping well and engaging in other healthy practices, such as meditation, she said. “Taking care of your well-being will increase your energy level and with it, your creative bandwidth.”

7. Get up earlier.

Before your kids wake up is a great time to create. Even if you’re not a morning person, you can try getting up 30 minutes earlier, Hersey said. “What would it take for you to make that work? What are you willing to give up for a regular creative practice? Chances are, you can figure something out that doesn’t involve sacrifice for your kids.”

8. Find people on a similar path.

Baum has found a supportive community of creative mothers both in person and online. These women have helped her see her own creativity and work through various challenges.

9. Focus on solutions.

When it comes to creativity, it’s easy to get stuck in the “if-onlys.” If only my kids were in school. If only I had a full hour each day. If only I could get up earlier. You can always find reasons why you can’t create, Hersey said.

She suggested focusing less on what you can’t do, and more on what you can. “The truth is that life is hard – and it will only be harder, the more that we focus on how hard it is. Let’s stop saying ‘I can’t’ and ‘This won’t work’ and start figuring out how to do what it is that we say we want to do.”

Creative Inspiration

Hersey recommended the following books on creativity and writing: Writer Mama by Christina Katz; Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues; and Use Your Words by Kate Hopper.

These are her other favorites on creativity: The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp; The Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori; and The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander.

She also suggested everything written by these authors: Eric Maisel, Danny Gregory, Keri Smith, Patti Digh, Jennifer Louden, Steven Pressfield, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg.

When we function in a healthy manner, we don’t just experience joy and happiness, prancing around without a care in the world. We actually still experience a range of emotions, some of which can be very difficult to live with.

It’s absolutely healthy to feel anxiety, depression, anger, jealousy, envy, guilt, hurt or shame. But what makes experiencing these emotions healthy is that we don’t linger in them for longer than is good for us. We don’t demand that they ‘go away.’ We accept the appropriateness of how we feel, and do something about our situation.

Let me give you an example of how a person’s thinking can perpetuate depression.

Imagine that your favorite dog was very sick and you took her to the vet, who tells you she’s in a lot of pain and it’s best to euthanize her. How do you think you might feel? Very sad (most likely), guilty (perhaps), happy (to some degree if you know you can stop her suffering). So, do those emotions seem healthy and appropriate to you? Of course they do, and to experience them is human.

Given the choice, you may not have wanted to face that situation in the first place, but we can’t always pick and choose what happens to us in life. We can only choose how we deal with those situations when they arise.

So how could a person drive themselves into depression after such an event? It’s easy. When a person feels sad about a loss or death, if they start taking far too much responsibility for what happened and judging themselves negatively, then depression will be only a short taxi ride away. The kind of thinking that perpetuates depression will be thoughts such as “I’m such a bad person for killing her,” “I should have done more to make her life happy,” “I should have taken her to the vet sooner and I would have saved her.”

None of those statements is wholly true, yet when you repeat them, you start to believe it and you feel depressed. You’ll even start acting depressed. Instead of going out for a walk, which you used to enjoy, you might stay at home watching TV, because ‘there’s no point in going out without your dog.’ You might even stop socializing with other dog walkers and so you’ll become more isolated, which perpetuates the problem.

So from a healthy sadness about the loss of a loved pet, with unhealthy thinking and behavior, your mood sinks into depression. And once there, it is a lot harder to get out of than when you’re healthily sad.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is depression’s opposite. Rather than dwelling on the past, people with anxiety tend to focus on the possible threat in the future, and employ defensive mechanisms against that perceived threat or problem. Let me give you another example.

Frank gives a presentation at work that doesn’t go down well with his boss. Frank gets shouted at and bawled out for not doing a good enough job. His boss also tells him that he must improve before the next presentation or else! How do you think you might feel? Disappointed (sure). Frustrated (maybe). Concerned (oh yeah).

So how does Frank perpetuate his anxiety? The first thing he does is to fly into the future and use ‘what if’ and ‘if…then’ type thinking. “If I deliver another bad presentation, then my boss will fire me.” “What if I can’t do it the way he wants?” “What if I’m terrible?”

These ‘what if’ thoughts are the precursors to the unhealthy demands that lead to anxiety: “I must know that the presentation will go well.” “I must not screw up the presentation or my boss will fire me.” “I must be perfect.”

The trouble with these irrational demands is that they lead to anxious behaviors: spending hours on the presentation; not sleeping; seeking others’ opinions; asking for reassurance; feeling nauseous beforehand; sweating; feeling ill at ease.

Clearly, Frank is not in a good state to be giving a presentation. He’ll most likely deliver a sub-par presentation. What do you think will happen next time he needs to give a presentation? He’ll feel worse.

To end these destructive cycles, we need to understand that emotions — even the difficult ones — are healthy. Emotions should be used as a guide to let us know that something is off-balance and might need changing. When we demand unreasonable things from ourselves, we’re destined to feel strong, unhealthy emotions.

It’s a thin line between healthy and unhealthy emotions, but by understanding how our thinking perpetuates our emotional disturbance, we can become a healthier version of ourselves.

It also doesn’t help that credit cards are so easy to use. “Credit cards are rather intangible. They’re plastic, easy to store and don’t look like money. It’s much easier handing a card to a clerk than reaching for cash that generally has more meaning and is more concrete.”

Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, agreed. “Credit cards can give the illusion that one is not really spending ‘real’ money.”

Plus, you get instant gratification, and the negative consequences are delayed, since your bills don’t arrive for weeks, Matlen added.

But while using credit cards is more challenging when you have ADHD, you can learn to use them responsibly. Below, Matlen and Sarkis shared their practical and realistic suggestions.

1. Use cash.

“It’s much easier to hand over a little plastic card than a wad of bills that the person worked very hard to earn,” Matlen said. Cash is tangible. “[U]sing cash is a giant cue that there is only so much money available once some or much of it is spent.”

2. Use one credit card.

If you can’t use cash all the time, have one card for all your purchases, Matlen said. And make sure it has the lowest finance fees you can find, she said.

3. Get a credit card with full payment requirements.

Some people have a remaining balance on their credit cards each month, which leads to finance charges, said Sarkis, author of several books on adult ADHD, including 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD.

She compared having an unpaid balance to “taking out a high-interest loan. An item that seemed like a deal at 50 percent off may actually cost you 200 percent for the original cost if you don’t pay off your balance.” That’s why she suggested having a card like an American Express that requires paying off the full balance every month.

4. Set up automatic withdrawals.

It’s common for adults with ADHD to rack up late fees, because they forget to pay their bills. This is why having money automatically taken out of your account every month is helpful. But, as Sarkis said, you have to make sure there’s enough money in your account.

5. Set up online payments.

Another option is to pay your bill online, Matlen said. Set up reminders to help you pay on time, she said. For instance, you can create reminders in an online calendar and with alarms on your phone.

6. Create a system for bills.

If online payments aren’t possible, Matlen also suggested keeping a box or manila folder for your bills: When each bill arrives, open it, and look at the due date. Write that date on the envelope, and put the bill in your box or folder. Keep the bills in the order in which they’re due. Then, pick two days each month to pay your bills. Note those days in your calendar.

7. Have a pre-paid card.

Both experts suggested having a pre-paid card that fits your budget. “This helps to prevent over-spending on credit cards,” Matlen said.

8. Take drastic measures.

Some readers might need to take more drastic measures. For instance, for clients whose over-spending is particularly bad, Matlen suggests “they take their credit cards and put them in the freezer so that they aren’t so easily accessible.”

9. Give yourself a day to reconsider purchases.  

According to Matlen, when it seems like you’re making an impulsive buy, stop and take a picture of the item instead. (Most cell phones have cameras.) Then give yourself one day to decide if you really want it.

10. Shop with a person who can keep you accountable.

“Shop with someone who can help you curb your impulsive buying,” Matlen said.

It’s common for adults with ADHD to overspend and forget to pay their bills. But while these problems are prevalent, they’re also surmountable. The key is to find a system that works for you and stick with it.