Yet, isn’t there also something to be said for not wanting to know it all right away?

Is social media eliminating elements of intrigue and mystery? And what if we see particular photos, status updates, tweets, or blog posts that negatively affect our view of the individual? Are we judging their online activity too quickly?

“I’ve been surprised at what a real impact Facebook has on romantic relationships,” Galena Rhoades, clinical psychologist at the University of Denver, said in Allison McCann’s BuzzFeed article, How Facebook Ruined Dating (And Breaking Up Too). “And I do think Facebook is playing a bigger role in relationship formation and relationship disillusions.”

McCann’s post highlights the little phenomenon people like to call “Facebook stalking,” when it comes to possible dates. While earlier research pinpointed this behavior as obstructive or possibly problematic, studies have now illustrated that the ‘Facebook stalking’ approach is used “to reduce some of the uncertainty in relationships.”

However, don’t we also thrive on uncertainty as an enjoyable part of talking to someone new? The process of discovering more about the other person, as you continue to spend additional time with him or her, is what propels the relationship forward, right?

“One of the more interesting things that I find is how social media might help you to discover things about another person that perhaps you would have found out later in time if the interactions were purely in person,” Ashley Knox, MSW, said.

“Some people are more comfortable revealing things about themselves online, because it may be easier, and also, it has become the thing to do online these days. Online, you get frequent updates on what people are doing, thinking, and feeling, whereas in person people tend to divulge more about themselves once knowing a person better and after having built up trust.”

To embellish that thought, let’s even say that there are ‘red flags’ on social media networks, discouraging you from the desire to become involved. Those same signs that you’re wondering about will surface in person as he or she opens up, lets you in, and shares. Plus, you’ll be able to receive a much more accurate reading of the person, way beyond various postings on Twitter, Facebook or Tumblr.

This issue isn’t exactly black or white — it incorporates shades of grey. I may regard glimpses of online insight as beneficial, and I may be cautious if I see something posted that’s unsettling. Nevertheless, I’d hope that social media wouldn’t prevent me from exploring (in non-digital life) for further understanding.

I know technology is rapidly advancing, becoming a prominent tool in our day-to-day lives, but maybe these sites don’t have to have that power over us just yet.

“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

Should you go from boyfriend and girlfriend to roommates?

According to the CDC, more and more couples are cohabiting. About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together.

This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility. So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you?

Here are seven things to consider.

1. Young adults are taking longer to be financial independent. 

More and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer. 

The average lifespan for people live continues to increase. This means that to commit yourself to a person when you’re 25 years old mean you’re most likely committing yourself to at least a 50-year marriage if you stay together as a couple. Do you really want to be committed to one person for the next 50 or more years? Living together first can really give you a better perspective of what your significant other is really like.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life. 

The person that satisfies you when you’re in your 20s, may not be the same person who satisfies you in your 30s and beyond. You will likely find that your needs and preferences will change as you mature, and you may want someone different for your life partner as you continue your metamorphosis.

4. You will undergo many changes throughout your life. 

This is connected to the previous point, but speaks to the idea that both of you will change. The hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction, but you may mature in opposite directions. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

5. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

There used to be evidence that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more likely to divorce than couples who didn’t. New research shows that this is no longer true. While living together won’t hurt your chances of having a successful marriage, it doesn’t help them either. It seems living together has no predictive effect on whether or not your marriage will last.

This is because while living together does provide the experience of what it will be like to live day-to-day with a person, it won’t prepare you for the specific marriage-related expectations that most of us have. Living together allows you to access behavioral patterns, while being married elicits an often entirely different set of behaviors and expectations. So living together really can’t necessarily be considered a dress rehearsal for marriage.

6. The social stigma is disappearing. 

There was a time not too long ago when living together without the benefit of marriage was cause for scandal. You still likely have grandparents and possibly great-grandparents who will judge you for living together without being married. However, this is much more acceptable today than it used to be so you likely won’t have to cope with the shame and blame those who came before you did.

7. It will save money. 

One of the best reasons I know for cohabiting, particularly in our present financial environment, is that one household is less expensive to maintain than two. If you want to live independently from your parents and can’t afford it, get a roommate. Often this roommate turns out to be your romantic partner. Saving money on bills is one thing, but please consider your exit strategy so it doesn’t end up costing you more in the long run.

Without an exit strategy, you may find yourself homeless. You may find yourself in the difficult situation of asking your “roommate” to leave when things aren’t working out. You may find you are spending lots of money should you quickly have to find alternative living arrangements. Will you move back home with your parents, find your own apartment, try to afford the one you already have on your salary alone, find a new roommate?

These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

• The Moving-In-Together Survival Guide
• What They Don’t Tell You About Moving In Together
• Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? [VIDEO]

Some people are really excited by this new technology device. It is one step closer to interacting with a computer inside your brain rather than through our organic input devices (in this case, our eyeballs and voice).

But it begs the question — who is having difficulty using existing devices where wearing your computer on your head is less obtrusive (or obnoxious) than wearing it in your pocket or purse?

Robert Scoble, one technologist, listed three cool things about Google Glass from his personal experience after wearing it for 2 weeks:

1. They are much more social than looking at a cell phone. Why? I don’t need to look away from you to use Google, or get directions, or do other things.

2. The voice works and works with nearly every one and in every situation. It’s the first product that literally everyone could use it with voice. It’s actually quite amazing, even though I know that the magic is that it expects to hear only a small number of things. “OK Glass, Take a Picture” works. “OK Glass, Take a Photo” doesn’t. The Glass is forcing your voice commands to be a certain set of commands and no others will be considered. This makes accuracy crazy high, even if you have an accent.

[3.] I continue to be amazed with the camera. It totally changes photography and video. Why? I can capture moments.

Let’s go through these, shall we?

1. How is pretending to look and pay attention to someone — simply because the screen is in front of you as one eye is looking at them — any different than looking away to check a screen on a handheld device? At least with a handheld device, the other person knows when you are no longer paying attention to them. With Google Glass, you might seem to be looking at me, but you could just as well be buying a pair of shoes on Amazon.com.

From a human interaction perspective, this is maddening. Google Glass is going to once again blur the lines between real social interaction — being “in the moment” with another human being — and just being physically present. Being present is what a lot of people do at their full-time jobs (e.g., people who aren’t doing what they love for a living). You clock in, put together the widgets, then clock out.

When I’m engaged in a social interaction with another human being, I want them to be not just physically there with me — but also emotionally and intellectually engaged with me. If they are only “half there” while checking stock quotes and their Facebook page on Google Glass, honestly, that’s not a quality human interaction any longer (nor one worth my time).

Because we have a mountain of research that demonstrates — without a doubt — that people are generally poor multi-taskers. So while you think you won’t be noticed checking Facebook on Google Glass, guess what — you will be. And it’ll be a huge turn-off.

2. My five year old car has voice commands. I never use them because it takes more brain processing power to speak something than to push a button on the dash.

I think some technologists in our society became enamored of voice commands through science fiction like Star Trek, e.g., “Computer, tell me what’s our current speed.” Wow, that’s great, the computer responds with your current speed, “Warp 5.4.” Looking at an intelligently designed dashboard could’ve gotten you the same information with just a glance — and again, expending zero brain cycles in having to formulate a command — and in Google Glass’s apparent case, the correct command — and then speak it.

My iPhone also has extensive voice commands, and while I use them to compose text sometimes, I’m not really clear on how doing it through thin air (e.g., Google Glass) is somehow “better” than doing it to a handheld device I have to pull out of my pocket first. More convenient? Perhaps,¹ but it’s offset by the lesser convenience of having to wear (and constantly recharge) a somewhat heavy (as far as glasses go) and unconventional pair of glasses.

3. People seem obsessed with “capturing moments” in their lives. Each and every one of us already does this every day — they’re called memories. Memories are wonderfully artistic, colorful and vibrant things. But we actually have to fully experience the event we’re trying to capture in a memory in order to recall it later.

Today, we’re losing that ability to a pale imitation of memory — photographs and videos. A photograph or video can never replay the actual emotional and intellectual experience of being at an event or living in a moment of time in your life.

In the movie, Strange Days, people could experience other people’s recorded experiences through a neural interface — but it was the full experience: emotions, smells, sights, sounds, you name it. Short of that, even a video taken today is equivalent to a Civil War photograph in terms of being as immersive and fully-experienced compared to actual memory.

Now don’t get me wrong — it’s great to capture a moment in photographs or video from time to time in your life. But not every moment. And not to the point where capturing the moment is more important than living in the moment.

Someone wearing Google Glass might claim, “Well, that’s the beauty of Glass — I can capture it without interruption.” Umm, sure ya can. Until you hit that memory limit, or need to try and do a real-time upload of video on a sketchy wifi or 3G connection. Or find your battery is running low (again). Or any of a number of other technological things that can and do happen when you have an always-on connection to unlimited distractions.

Every time a Google Glass wearer starts talking to me, my first thought is always going to be, “Are they really listening to me or updating their Facebook status? Are they really here with me, or are they out there somewhere online?” When I see that person not really following what I’m saying, I’ll have my answer.

Google Glass could be a game changer for some. For instance, I think that for some people who have certain handicaps, it could really help improve their lives.

But for most of the rest of the world, Google Glass is going to be an interrupter — not disrupter — of social interactions.

It is one of those technologies answering a question — much like the Segway — that nobody asked.

For further reading: The one big factor Google Glass is missing

1. Really, is reaching into your pocket that big a deal??

But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.

The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”

If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:

• Why did you get divorced or breakup in the first place? Did you have a good reason? Will sex make that right?
• Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have fear of being alone?
• Are you or your partner using sex to try to keep the relationship going instead of facing the discomfort of ending?
• Will having sex muddy the waters? If you plan on moving on from your ex, being intimate with them means you’re not moving on.
• Is this an exclusive thing? Are you OK being a sex-buddy? Who else are they having sex with? Are you using protection?
• How will you feel if your partner tells you they’re seeing somebody else?

Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.

Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.

I have seen enough episodes to ask the question, “Why?”

What draws people to watch faithfully every week or watch every series every week? What satisfaction is had by watching women backstab each other, trash-talk each other behind each other’s backs, steal each other’s men, lie and manipulate others for attention, and flaunt their excessive lifestyles?

In short, what is to be gained by watching women treat each other so poorly?

This type of show seems only to feed the drama and stereotypes often associated with female friendships. Somehow it has become “entertaining” to watch women beat each other up mentally, emotionally, and in some cases physically each week in the “entertainment” boxing ring.

In an effort to learn more about the appeal of the “Real Housewives” antics, I started to wonder if those addicted to the show related in any way because of their own real-life friendships. Do the most loyal fans watch to find out why these women behave the way the do, or do they watch because they can resonate with them or find aspects about the “characters” they relate to or even secretly admire in some cases? Loyal fans have their favorites and in most cases fans seem to be drawn to the most outrageous, vindictive, and despicable woman among the group.

Some fans argue they watch the show because it is like a train wreck that they can’t help but watch. However, the difference between a train wreck and the “Real Housewives” is that unlike a train wreck, which is a horrible accident, the “Real Housewives” is a horribly staged event with the sole intent of setting women up to knock each other down.

So for all of you who Real Housewives fans, I challenge you to take this mini-quiz to see how your real-life friendships stack up to the ones on this widely popular show.

1. Do you spend most of your time with your friends gossiping and judging other friends or people in general? Or do you find the time you spend with your friends is often spent listening to them gossip about and judge other people?
2. Do you gossip about your friends behind their backs rather than talk to them directly about something that’s bothering you or about some ongoing conflict? Or do your friends gossip to you about friends they are having issues with versus talking to that person directly?
3. Do you get defensive if a friend tries to communicate to you their feelings or take it as an insult or criticism? Or do you find that when you try to talk to your friends about something they said or did that upset you, they react in ways that make you feel like you did something wrong and even some cases they stop talking to you?
4. Do your loyalties shift depending on which friend you happen to be with at the moment? Or do you find your friends’ loyalties seem to shift depending on who they are around?
5. Do you find you have very little to say to a friend if you aren’t gossiping about another friend or passing judgment on others in general? Or do you find your friend has very little to say to you other than sharing gossip or criticisms of others?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it may be time to take a closer look at the quality of your friendships, and even how your friends would rate you as a friend. Are these the type of friendships you want to put your energy into, and is this the type of friend you want to be considered as by others?

If you are guilty of any of these “Real Housewives” types of behaviors, it is pretty safe to assume that the ones you are exhibiting this behavior with are doing the exact same thing with the other “housewives” in your group when you are not around.

– Bosses who seem clueless to your job requirements; colleagues who can’t relate to you (or vice versa); the stress of deadlines and dissatisfaction of being in a job you are not even sure you belong in.

- Family members who throw plans into disarray, disregard you and have you questioning your commitment (as well as your sanity). Perhaps adult siblings who ask for money or come to you for advice, only for you to soon find yourself involved in maddening family triangles, or aunts and uncles who pull you into long-entrenched but silly feuds.

- Then of course there are friends who you would like to shake to knock some sense or self-reflection into.

Get the picture?

How do you cope with the trials and tribulations of being human and having to live and work among others? Laugh it off? (That’s a good element, actually.)

Acceptance, compromise, courage when really required — these are all noble and important and at the far other end of the spectrum from laughter.

But the balm that beats all, for the problems that really plague us interpersonally and professionally, is self-development. Nothing sends challenges packing quicker than a little introspection and self involvement. (No, not narcissistic self involvement.)

All the above-mentioned challenges and more can temporarily vanish, periodically dissipate and just plain lose their grip on what you see as as your life and identity with some sense of self worth. Simply finding ourselves behind the mess that often is the outer world — our chaotic office space, our cluttered family room, our ugly political arenas — can make all that other stuff take the side or back seat that it really should be occupying.

If your life really is a big mess due to situations beyond your control, then you can create an internal space that can stimulate you, be your harbor and even guide your larger path professionally.

What calms you? Woodworking, walks in the woods, gardening, hanging with your dog or cat, playing music, painting, delving into family history, learning another language, exploring new sites? Figure out what is your balm. You’ll probably find your self in the process, and be on the way toward alleviating the messes of life and much more.

What fascinates and passionately motivates you? Maybe it’s one of those items mentioned above as calming agents. Or maybe it’s tinkering with mechanical systems, live theater, jogging, studying the stars, writing poetry, working with youth, coming up with new theories for work challenges, organizing spaces, coordinating people and projects.

What makes you tick is what takes you away from troubles. Go toward it. You will be going toward a larger sense of your life and self.

You may already know what grounds you and what energizes you but apply them far too infrequently in your life. Increase it, if even in small increments.

Surprise may come. Did we forget about all that described dysfunction and trouble? No, it is still there, likely. But you have assigned its place in the larger sense of who you are. By going toward calm and captivating experiences, you’ll be shocked to discover previous personal pain alleviated in the moment, stings of rejection at work or indecision on home matters lessened, the itch quieted of desiring something more but not knowing what in your career. By this new “escape” from the mess, you just may find solutions to those larger matters at play in your life, as well — all by reflecting and acting on your self.

As a psychotherapist, I can’t count how many times I have seen individuals and couples struggle with building healthy connections in their relationships.

The most common complaint has been that they feel unfulfilled, devalued or unappreciated in relationships with others. It is my professional experience that when we get caught up in what others can do to make us feel good about ourselves, we are likely to become angry and resentful.

So how do you avoid the resentment trap in your relationship?

Four Tips to Avoid the Resentment Trap

1. Ask yourself: Am I being realistic with my expectations?

Perhaps due to unmet needs, you project your disappointments onto people who are incapable of meeting your standards. No one person can meet all of your needs. If this describes you in relationships, you will ultimately set yourself up for feeling unfulfilled and empty. Friendships, work relationships, family and partners all participate in your life in meaningful ways. But in the end, it is up to you to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

One common theme of having unrealistic expectations is getting caught up in the fantasy of what a relationship is supposed to look like — for example, having expectations that your “Prince Charming” will sweep you off your feet and all of your troubles will slip magically away. Now if this isn’t a resentment waiting to happen, I’m not sure what is!

How many women have dreamed of having their lives turn out like the fairy tale endings of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty? Realistically, how many women have had those fantasies fulfilled to their expectations?

2. Remind yourself: I am a valuable, lovable human being.

No one person can make you feel good all of the time. You can feel loved in another’s presence, but if you choose one person to define how you feel in a relationship, you will be setting yourself up for deep disappointment. If you don’t feel good about yourself, begin by acting as if you do by creating a loving mantra and reciting it each morning in front of the mirror before the day begins. Examples may include “I deserve love,” “I am lovable,” and “I am perfect just the way I am.” Recite a mantra often enough and you will begin to believe it!

3. Surround yourself with healthy people.

By healthy people, I mean people who accept you unconditionally. I am talking about people who don’t shame you or try to prevent you from making your own decisions. These are individuals who will support you with your day-to-day challenges, accept you for your “human-ness” and are okay with you making mistakes. Write a list of people you know who have these qualities and keep in contact with at least one of them on a daily basis. These are also individuals who you can give you a healthy reality check. If you struggle with an issue that keeps you feeling stuck, ask for their perspective.

4. Focus on self-care.

If you deplete yourself to the point of exhaustion, it is far more likely that you will be vulnerable to wanting your needs met by others. You may possibly go to a child-like place and demand that you get your needs met immediately. I see this sort of thing in my work with clients who are struggling in love-addicted or codependent relationships.

So what is the best remedy for healing the vulnerable child within? Replace your expectations with gentle guidance and nurture yourself through a walk, deep breathing, a yoga class, journaling or meditation. Get to know yourself better.

One exercise I recommend is making an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. Think deeply about your interests and passions. How can you begin focusing more on the things that bring you joy? You deserve loving care — and who better than yourself to give it to you?

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

According to LiveScience, the CDC reports that more and more couples are co-habiting.

About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together. This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility.

So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Here are a few things to consider.

1. It’s cheaper, and young adults are taking longer to obtain financial independence.

One of the best reasons I know for cohabiting, particularly in our present financial environment, is that one household is less expensive to maintain than two. If you want to live independently from your parents and can’t afford it, get a roommate. Often this roommate turns out to be your romantic partner. Saving money on bills is one thing, but please consider your exit strategy so it doesn’t end up costing you more in the long run.

Also, more and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer.

The average lifespan for people live continues to increase. This means that to commit yourself to a person when you’re 25 years old mean you’re most likely committing yourself to at least a 50-year marriage if you stay together as a couple. Do you really want to be committed to one person for the next 50 or more years? Living together first can really give you a better perspective of what your significant other is really like.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life.

The person that satisfies you when you’re in your 20s, may not be the same person who satisfies you in your 30s and beyond. You will likely find that your needs and preferences will change as you mature, and you may want someone different for your life partner as you continue your metamorphosis.

You both will undergo many changes throughout your life, but the hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction. However, you may mature in opposite directions, too. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

4. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

There used to be evidence that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more likely to divorce than couples who didn’t. New research shows that this is no longer true. While living together won’t hurt your chances of having a successful marriage, it doesn’t help them either. It seems living together has no predictive effect on whether or not your marriage will last.

This is because while living together does provide the experience of what it will be like to live day-to-day with a person, it won’t prepare you for the specific marriage-related expectations that most of us have. Living together allows you to access behavioral patterns, while being married elicits an often entirely different set of behaviors and expectations. So living together really can’t necessarily be considered a dress rehearsal for marriage.

5. The social stigma is disappearing.

There was a time not too long ago when living together without the benefit of marriage was cause for scandal. You still likely have grandparents and possibly great-grandparents who will judge you for living together without being married. However, this is much more acceptable today than it used to be so you likely won’t have to cope with the shame and blame those who came before you did.

Without an exit strategy, you may find yourself homeless. You may find yourself in the difficult situation of asking your “roommate” to leave when things aren’t working out. You may find you are spending lots of money should you quickly have to find alternative living arrangements. Will you move back home with your parents, find your own apartment, try to afford the one you already have on your salary alone, find a new roommate? These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

• The Moving-In-Together Survival Guide
• What They Don’t Tell You About Moving In Together
• Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? [VIDEO]

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you’re drawn to bad boys.

What is it with this attraction? You can’t explain it. You just know you find a certain kind of guy alluring — even when you know (from experience) that the relationship will end badly.

Friends tell you that your new “great guy” is cocky, brash, foolhardy. But you have a different take on it. You view him as sooo masculine, exciting, unconventional — in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. No comparison to other guys. Yes, those other guys are nice, but oh, so boring. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping?

So what is the draw of the bad boy?

What makes them so attractive to many women, even addictive to some?

1. The bad boy is exciting.

   Life is never dull when you’re with him. You’re not quite sure what he’ll do or say next. He makes you laugh. He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.

2. The bad boy is no run-of-the-mill guy.

   He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on. It feels masculine. It feels powerful. It feels like how guys should be. Not wimpy — like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!

3. The bad boy is an enticing mix.

   He’s confident (he knows what he wants). He’s independent (he doesn’t care what others think). He’s a sweet talker (he knows how to get what he wants). He’s mysterious (you still can’t figure him out).

To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring the bad boy seems.

Only one problem — well, more than one, actually:

1. What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?

   He’s still into risky stuff when you’re long past that stage. What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked or just plain out ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Indeed, they seem all too familiar and dim-witted.

2. What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?

   His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him.

3. What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?

   When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behavior that used to excite you becomes behavior that creates anxiety for you?

Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.

Spring is also synonymous for the proverbial “spring cleaning” that involves cleaning out the hall closet (also known as the abyss of unused, “not-quite-sure-what to do with” things), the bedroom closet spilling out with clothes you haven’t worn in a year and shoes that you forgot you owned, and in some cases, the entire house or apartment.

This time of year there are numerous articles in magazines and lifestyle segments on the morning talk show circuit featuring professional home organizers espousing spring-cleaning tips to purge the unnecessary things that clutter your physical space.

So this year, why not spring clean your life as well?

Use this time to take stock of your emotional, mental, and physical well-being in an effort to purge the unnecessary, while putting the emphasis on the positive and healthy areas in your life.

Here are some basis steps to start spring-cleaning your life:

• You give your closet or home a once-over to evaluate whether you want to keep, donate, or purge things. Take a look at your life’s emotional, mental, and physical aspects. Begin to write down or mentally list things and people you find to be positive and those you find contribute only negative energy.

  Once you start taking a closer look, you may be surprised to find out which things and people fall into which category. This process may feel both freeing and upsetting at the same time because you may discover things and people have shifted in your life for better or worse.

• Once you have a better overview of what’s in your emotional, mental, and physical “closet,” now it’s time to start figuring out what to do with the “keep, donate, purge” piles you have created. Obviously, you can cannot donate or purge people out of your live per se.

  However, you can start to redefine the role they will play in your life. You can decide how much and what type of energy you wish to expend on certain things and people.

• Redefining your relationships with things and people in your life often involves creating new boundaries with others, changing your habits or way of thinking and doing things, and learning to accept that as you change, your relationships with others and yourself change.

  Remember, any change is frequently bittersweet and the painful part of it often is the primary deterrent to change. However, if you mentally prepare yourself for this side of change you will likely be better equipped to muster your way through the tough stuff as you make your way to the other side.

As with “spring-cleaning” your closet and home, you have some difficult decisions to make about what to do in certain areas of your life. In the end, however, you ultimately feel happier, lighter, and more confident. There is now room in your life for new things, ideas, people, and adventures. Removing the clutter in your life will open the door for a simpler, more fulfilling experience with the world and others.

Proper treatment doesn’t suppress emotions or dull a person’s ability to feel things deeply. It builds a protective layer — an emotional resilience — to safeguard a depressive from becoming overwhelmed and disabled by the difficulties of daily life.

However, the tools found in happiness research are those I practice in my recovery from depression and anxiety, even though, theoretically, I can be happy and depressed at the same time. I came up with my own recovery program that coincides with the steps toward happiness published in positive psychology studies.

1. Sleep

Sleep is crucial to sanity because sleep disturbances can contribute to, aggravate, and even cause mood disorders and a host of other illnesses. The link between sleep deprivation and psychosis was documented in a 2007 study at Harvard Medical School and the University of California at Berkeley. Using MRI scans, they found that sleep deprivation causes a person to become irrational because the brain can’t put an emotional event in proper prospective and is incapable of making an appropriate response. Chronic sleep deprivation, especially, is bad news. It often affects memory and concentration. And, according to one recent study, it can cause a decline in cognitive performance similar to the intoxicated brain.

2. Diet

My mouth and brain are in constant negotiation with each other because while one loves white bread, pasta, and chocolate, the other throws a hissy fit whenever they enter my blood stream. My diet has always been an important part of my recovery from depression, but two years ago — after working with the naturopath and reading Kathleen DesMaison’s “Potatoes Not Prozac” — I could more competently trace the path from my stomach to my limbic system. Moreover, I recognized with new clarity how directly everything that I put in my mouth affects my mood.

Here are the bad boys: nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, white flour, and processed food — you know, what you live on. Here are the good guys: protein; complex starches (whole grains, beans, potatoes); vegetables; vitamins (vitamin B-complex, vitamins C, D, and E, and a multivitamin); minerals (magnesium, calcium, and zinc); and omega-3 fatty acids. I’m religious about stocking up on omega-3 capsules because leading physicians at Harvard Medical School confirmed the positive effects of this natural, anti-inflammatory molecule on emotional health.

3. Exercise

Dr. James A. Blumenthal, a professor of medical psychology at Duke University, led a recent study in which he and his team discovered that, among the 202 depressed people randomly assigned to various treatments, three sessions of vigorous aerobic exercise were approximately as effective at treating depression as daily doses of Zoloft, when the treatment effects were measured after four months. A separate study showed that the depressives who improved with exercise were less likely to relapse after 10 months than those treated successfully with antidepressants, and the participants who continued to exercise beyond four months were half as likely to relapse months later compared to those who did not exercise.

Even as little as 20 minutes a week of physical activity can boost mental health. In a new Scottish study, reported in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, 20,000 people were asked about their state of mind and how much physical activity they do in a week. The results showed that the more physical activity a person engaged in — including housework, gardening, walking, and sports — the lower their risk of distress and anxiety.

Exercise relieves depression in several ways. First, cardiovascular workouts stimulate brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells. Second, exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinephrine. Third, a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria, and helps control the brain’s response to stress and anxiety. Other added benefits include improved sleep patterns, exposure to natural daylight (if you’re exercising outside), weight loss or maintenance, and psychological aids.

4. Relationships and Community

We are social creatures and are happiest when we are in relationship. One of the clearest findings in happiness research is that we need each other in order to thrive and be happy, that loving relationships are crucial to our well-being. Relationships create a space of safety where we can learn and explore. Belonging to a group or a community gives people a sense of identity. Studies indicate that social involvement can promote health, contribute toward faster recovery from trauma and illness, and lower the risk of stress-related health problems and mental illness.

Plenty of evidence indicates that support groups aid the recovery of persons struggling with depression and decrease rates of relapse. The New England Journal of Medicine published a study in December 2001 in which 158 women with metastatic breast cancer were assigned to a supportive-expressive therapy. These women showed greater improvement in psychological symptoms and reported less pain than the women with breast cancer who were assigned to the control group with no supportive therapy.

Another study in 2002, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, followed a group of more than 100 persons with severe depression who joined online depression support groups. More than 95 percent of them said that their participation in the online support groups helped their symptoms. The online groups here on Psych Central are a great resource where you can find support from people going through similar struggles.

5. Purpose

The father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, explains in his book, “Authentic Happiness,” that a critical element to happiness exists in using your signature strengths in the service of something you believe is larger than you. After collecting exhaustive questionnaires he found that the most satisfied people were those that had found a way to use their unique combination of strengths and talents to make a difference. Dan Baker, Ph.D., director of the Life Enhancement Program at Canyon Ranch, believes that a sense of purpose — committing oneself to a noble mission — and acts of altruism are strong antidotes to depression. And then there’s Gandhi, who wrote: “the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

6. Gratitude

Gratitude doesn’t come easily to me. When my girlfriend sees a half-full glass of fresh milk, I see a half-empty glass of cholesterol-rising, cardiac-arresting agents. And when the kids’ school is called off because some road somewhere in our county apparently accumulated a half of an inch of snow, she thanks God for an opportunity to build snowmen with she kids. I have a conversation with God, too, but it’s much different.

However, I train myself to say thank you more often than is natural for me because I know that gratitude is like broccoli — good for your health in more than one way. According to psychologists like Sonja Lyubomirsky at the University of California Riverside, keeping a gratitude journal — where you record once a week all the things you have to be grateful for — and other gratitude exercises can increase your energy, and relieve pain and fatigue.

Shameless plug! Join me at one of three private screenings of “Happy,” a film that explores what makes us happy, followed by a discussion on depression and happiness and a book signing. Click the following links for more information:

When it comes to mental illness, people say the darnedest things. As illustrated above, even medical staff can make incredibly insensitive and downright despicable remarks.

Others think teasing is okay.

Fast, a coach who works with partners and families of people with bipolar disorder, has heard stories of people getting teased at work. One client’s son works at the vegetable department of a grocery store. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and poor social skills. When his symptoms flare up, his coworkers will ask questions like, “Why do the labels have to be so perfect? Why do they have to be in line like that?” They’ve also teased him about being in a psychiatric facility.

But most people — hopefully — know that being an outright jerk to someone about their mental illness isn’t just inappropriate and ignorant. It’s cruel.

Yet there are moments when even neutral words may be misconstrued, because the person is in a vulnerable place, according to F. Diane Barth, LCSW, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City. “The truth is that it can be complicated to find the right comment to make to someone who is struggling with emotional difficulties.”

This is why it’s so important to educate yourself about helpful things to say. In fact, Fast, author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, believes that we have to be taught what to say. “It’s not innate at all to help someone who has a mental illness.”

So what makes an insensitive remark? According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, “The problems happen when people make statements that imply that mental illness is a sign of emotional weakness, it’s something that can be quickly overcome with some trite homespun advice or they minimize it as a minor issue you can just get over.”

Below are additional examples of problematic statements, along with what makes a good response.

1. “Get busy, and distract yourself.”

“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away.”

2. “Do you want to get better?”

For mental health blogger Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose, and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”

3. “Change your attitude.”

While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia, said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental illness.”

4. “Stop focusing on the bad stuff, and just start living.”

According to Barth, “one of the most common mistakes is to tell a person to stop focusing on themselves, or on the bad things, or on the past, and just start living.” Why is this so problematic? It can make a person feel even worse about themselves. “[T]hey figure the fact that they can’t do it is, in their mind, just one more sign of their failure.”

5. “You have everything you need to get better.”

“This is well intentioned, but to me it sounded like an indictment against me for not trying hard enough,” said Borchard, also author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes. Plus, this might not even be accurate. Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve. “Sometimes you need a little assistance.”

6. “You can snap out of it. Everyone feels this way sometimes.”

Everyone experiences a range of emotions. For instance, everyone feels sad occasionally. But sadness on some days isn’t the same as “a hopeless pit of despair where it’s so dark I’ve forgotten what light looks like,” a description of depression that one client gave to Howes. Feeling anxious isn’t the same as having a panic attack, “a terrifying lightning storm of despair, self-hatred and the absolute certainty of my immediate death,” he said.

7. “Just pray about it.”

Prayer is powerful for many people. Centering yourself and feeling support from a higher power can be very helpful, Howes said. “[B]ut this advice alone can minimize the problem, ignore many proven medical and psychological treatments and can even make someone feel like they’re not being healed, because they lack sufficient faith, which adds insult to injury.”

8. “Why can’t you work?”

It’s no doubt hard to watch someone who’s smart and capable unable to work. But telling a person who’s already struggling that they’re lazy, just making excuses or aren’t trying hard enough can be incredibly hurtful, Fast said.

She’s personally heard the following before: “I don’t see why you have such a tough time with work. Everyone works. You need to just get over it and work.” Even just asking a question like “Why is this so hard for you?” can make a person wonder what’s wrong with them. They might say, “Why can’t I work? They are right and I am a failure!” Fast said. “And they will push themselves too far.”

9. “You have the same illness as my ______.”

Years ago, when Fast’s partner Ivan, who has bipolar disorder, was in the hospital, she didn’t know anything about the illness. She told her friend that Ivan had something called “manic depression.” Fast’s friend responded with: “Oh. I know what that is. My grandfather had it and he shot himself.” A person Fast barely knew told her: “My uncle has that, but we don’t know where he is!”

“I remember every minute of Ivan being ill, and I remember those two comments the most — 18 years ago!”

The Right Responses

While reading this piece, you might be wondering if you should say anything at all. “Silence is, in my experience, the worst response, because it’s generally interpreted in the negative,” Barth said.

According to Howes, these are helpful responses:

• “[S]incerely express your concern: ‘You’re having panic attacks? I’m so sorry to hear that. From what I’ve heard, that can be just awful.’

• Offer your support: ‘Please let me know if you need anything, or if you’d just like to talk.’
• Talk to them the same way you did before, which lets them know your feelings about them or respect for them hasn’t changed; your relationship is stable. They’re the same person, just dealing with an issue that is less visibly obvious than a broken arm or the flu.”

When it comes to mental illness, people make everything from insensitive to totally outrageous comments. When in doubt, Howes suggested offering “compassion, support and stability in your relationship and leav[ing] the advice to the psychological or medical experts… [A]ny advice beyond ‘I hope you’ve found good, caring treatment’ and ‘come talk to me anytime’ can be experienced as intrusive and can even cause more problems.”

For more on this topic, read Borchard’s pieces on what not to say to someone with depression and what to say.  

In relationships, we all have our fights; and having the occasional heated debate between you and your significant other is even healthy.

But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the argument can quickly get out of hand.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match. Follow these ten tips for effective anger management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.

1. Know when to make an exit. 

Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.

2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. 

Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to ten. By the time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and what you want totally insignificant.”)

3. Change your focus. 

Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.

4. Evoke peace and laughter. 

Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.

5. Breathe deeply. 

Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner fire.

6. Relax your muscles. 

Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.

7. Put on a smile.

Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match.

8. Test the waters. 

Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.

9. Make agreements.

Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”

10. Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view. 

Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.

The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship problems.

Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships.

More life coach advice from YourTango:

• Life Coaches: Who We Are & What We Do
• Why Do I Need A Life Coach?
• What Do Women Want?