So let’s say you are in a long-term relationship with the guy or girl of your dreams. Or, let’s say you are trying to rekindle an old relationship or you’re in a situation with someone whom you have a lot of history with, but you keep sensing some things just aren’t the same. In many ways it may seem that a lot of stuff from the past no longer exists in your relationship and you wonder if you can ever go back.

Yes, relationships change, shift, flip flop, tables turn, hearts get broken, trust gets lost, betrayal happens and we still find it in our hearts to stay true to our commitments. Or, we realize we love someone enough to overlook the past and to stay together.

But, sometimes when things don’t quite fall back into the way they were, we panic. We worry that maybe this is the end, or that this was really not meant to be, and that we should move on. We fear that the change means that something really great was lost.

Just because the present doesn’t mimic the past doesn’t mean all is lost.

See, we live in a world where we want certain things to last forever. We rekindle but something is amiss. We miss the way it used to be, the way it used to feel. One of the problems is that we are even sold this view of “happily ever after,” which if we think about it, we know is an unfortunate fallacy. The reason being is that change is the only constant, right? We’ve all heard that saying … change is the only thing we can count on.

Often times, things change for the better. Some things change for the better, some things change for the worse. Sometimes we like the new things happening in our relationship and/or in our partner. We like the newfound responsibility, or self care, but maybe we miss the old camaraderie, the way we used to run around like kids without a care in the world, the way he used to shower me with flowers or kisses or the way she used dress. We miss the past, and in doing so, we end up living in the past.

Relationships, just like the people involved, go through phases. In different phases of our lives we have different friends, different jobs, different feelings, etc. You know that experience of having a certain friend during a certain period of your life? Where did that friend go? Often times we fall out of friendships because of something circumstantial, we just drift apart or we move.

Sometimes it’s more; a falling out, a disagreement, a broken agreement, etc. We learn to get over the loss and to grieve the end of the friendship or relationship. In much the same way, we must learn to let go of what our relationship was and accept our relationship for where it is now.

Change is especially apparent after major life changes, such as marriage, the birth of a new baby, a job change/loss, infidelity, death in the family, etc. Part of being in a relationship is saying goodbye to the past phases of our relationships, letting go of the past and embracing what is now, the present. You may become overcome by this feeling of, “I feel like I don’t even know my partner anymore.”

The truth of the matter is that you are still getting to know your partner, at every phase of his/her life, just as he/she is getting to know parts of you. Also, the both of you are getting to know yourselves and each other in the relationship.

Accepting change, that things don’t stay the same forever, is par for the course. Sometimes you may not like the changes that happen, as they may confuse you and not seem to fit. How you learn to navigate the changes may determine the future of the relationship. Your relationship is built on the past, and where it grows from there into the future depends on your dedication to the present.

To get more satisfaction out of your relationships and sex life
visit Moushumi Ghose, Sex Therapist in Los Angeles.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. We will go to the doctor for a physical checkup, but how many of us engage in a mental health checkup? The goals of my process, InsideOut Empowerment, provide us with ten things we can do to improve our well-being and increase our happiness.

1. Assess the strength of your needs while learning to obtain the proper amounts for happiness. We all have five basic human needs — connection, freedom, significance, survival and enjoyment. While we share that in common, the strength of our needs vary. So for example, one person may be high in connection and enjoyment, while another person might be high in significance and freedom. The key to happiness is to engage in behavior that brings you the precise amount of each need you want. Having too little leaves you feeling deprived and having too much can leave you feeling over-saturated.

2. Understand and take responsibility for your choices. You have choices in every situation. You may not have any “good” choices or choices you like, but there are choices nonetheless. You are doing whatever you’re doing because you chose it, not because someone forced you. You may be doing it to keep your job, please a loved one or to save your life … but you are choosing it. When you let go of the victim mentality and embrace the choice aspect of all you do, you will feel empowered.

3. Make the connection between your behavior and your progress or lack thereof. We often look to outside “causes” for our success — or lack thereof — and forget to look at what we, ourselves, are doing or not doing to move us toward our goals. When you begin to take charge of your own outcomes instead of giving that power to others, you will feel much happier.

4. Understand the power of your perception and how to change it. We often make up stories about people and events in our lives that have nothing to do with the facts of the situation. They are simply our interpretation. Your interpretation can cause you great unnecessary turmoil. If your perception isn’t serving you, change it! Make up a better, happier, more generous story.

5. Find the balance in all things. Everything that happens to you has equal positive and negative qualities; a ying and a yang, pros and cons. The problem is our perception again. We tend to label things as good or bad, positive or negative, painful or pleasurable. The truth is, both sides are always present. It just depends on where you place your focus. Seeing both sides equally will improve your mental health.

6. Distinguish and choose between what feels good right now and what will feel even better later. We often engage in a battle of what we want right now versus what we really want. As a general rule, those who can delay gratification achieve greater satisfaction than those who always indulge themselves in the moment. But there is another option. See #7.

7. Expanding either/or thinking to a both/and approach. In our Western culture, we often tell ourselves that we must choose between two options. But I say, “Why not have both?” Now, I do realize sometimes there really is a dilemma and a person must choose, but those times occur less frequently than you think if you begin to ask yourself, “How can I have/do/be both?”

8. Uncover your self-sabotage, while learning to minimize its hold on you. We all have some negative thoughts about ourselves that were installed in our psyche before we were old enough to distinguish fact from fiction. The fact that these negative thoughts most often came from those you trusted made it even harder to dispute. However, if you want to succeed at your goals, then you must bring your self-sabotage out from the dark of the subconscious to the light of day where you can examine its veracity. If you determine it simply isn’t true (and it usually isn’t), then you can let it go. Don’t attempt to “do battle” with the ideas, as this gives them more importance than they deserve.

9. Accept others exactly as they are. They aren’t likely to change — or at least not because you want them to — so you are only frustrating yourself with the effort. Know that everyone has one life to live in this go around and gets the option to spend it however they choose. If you don’t like the way a particular person is choosing to live his or her life, then limit your involvement with that person. Stop trying to get people to change to fit who you want them to be.

10. Move toward your goals at a pace that is challenging, yet doable, for you. When you set goals that are too easy, you can become bored. But on the other hand, if you make it too difficult, you may give up. Finding the right pace for you is essential to your success.

Take these ten steps and get your mental health tune up today!

“Most people recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else before they recover from the fact that they were deceived,” says Vaughan. “An affair, in the final analysis, is more about ‘breaking trust’ than about ‘having sex.’”

A few years ago Vaughan took an online poll, asking readers: “If your partner had an affair, what would be more difficult to overcome: the deception, or that he/she had sex with someone else?” Almost three quarters of the men and women polled said deception.

Vaughan believes that secrecy is primarily what distinguishes a close friendship from an emotional affair.

For example, you’ve crossed the line if you are:

• Keeping the details of the relationship secret from your husband or wife

• Saying and doing things with your “friend” that you wouldn’t do if your partner were present
• Sharing things with the other person that you don’t share with your partner
• Making an effort to spend lots of time with your “friend”

“In most instances emotional affairs are just affairs that have not yet become sexual,” says Vaughan. “They either end or they escalate. So (as with any type of affair), it’s critical that all one-on-one contact with the third party be severed — before it escalates.”

Romantic friendships are especially dangerous for women because women typically invest much more of themselves into them than men. A woman may ache and suffer for years as she grapples with her relationship issues while her male counterpart considers the extra attention a mere bonus to his family life, says Vaughan. In other words, a female sees her soul mate; a man sees fun. And, according to Aaran Ben-Ze’ev, author of Love Online, it’s not uncommon for men to be conducting two or even four affairs at once.

Even innocent flirting with co-workers can hurt a marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy in life,” says M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist in Florida and author of Emotional Infidelity.

“By chatting and joking with your crush during the workday, that’s emotional energy you should be sharing with your partner, and it drains your marriage of the vitality it needs.”

Get psyched with Psych Central’s Zoë Kessler and author Melissa Orlov in a fun hour of sharing about the good stuff in an ADHD / Non-ADHD partnership!

We’ll talk about how we can bring out the best in you and your loved one.

During our webinar, we’ll:

• re-discover what each partner brings  to the relationship
• discover some new ways to bring out the best in you and your loved one!
• invite you to share your positive stories
• remind each other of opportunities and possibilities

…and more!

Please join us (and bring your special someone) for an uplifting hour that will leave you feeling re-energized, hopeful and ready to move forward!

The webinar is this Thursday, May 24 from 8:00 PM – 9:00 PM EDT.

Space is limited, so please sign-up today:  http://bit.ly/MkKMhk

Host Zoë Kessler writes the popular blog, ADHD from A to Zoë here at Psych Central.  Diagnosed with ADHD at 46, Zoë, an author, journalist, speaker and workshop facilitator, is a regular feature article contributor to ADDitude Magazine; writes radio and film documentaries about ADHD, and is featured in Her Fast Mind, a film about women and ADHD produced by The Bilkey ADHD Clinics and released in 2012.

Special Guest Melissa Orlov, is married to a man with ADHD. Melissa, a marriage consultant, is the award-winning author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. She also blogs at her website ADHD and Marriage (www.adhdmarriage.com), which she co-hosts with Dr. Ned Hallowell.

Your mindset is everything when it comes to helping you find love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love, overall. Love is a state of mind that either is or isn’t something you cultivate.

Wikipedia defines mindset as:

A set of assumptions, methods or notations held by one or more people, that creates a powerful incentive within these people or groups to continue to adopt or accept prior behaviors, choices, or tools.

Your mindset is how you approach the world. If you let it run wild, it will compel you to make the same choices over and over again. No one is exempt from having a mindset. We all have one. It’s like a filter through which you perceive your reality.

Your mindset, like a bad habit, has a shadow side. The shadow is devious and makes it tough for us to see that we have any particular mindset at all. It tricks us into believing that ”it’s just the way we think.” No big deal.

If you’re having trouble in your romantic life, it’s time to see if your mindset needs an adjustment. If you think your mindset might be causing problems, you have the power to change it. Like breaking any habit, it demands a great amount of effort and determination.

Answer the following three questions to see if your mindset is on the right track to finding love:

1. Have you created the right environment to attract love?

How you set up your life and personal space will tell you a lot. If you don’t pay attention to how you’re living and what you come home to at night, you aren’t “setting the stage” for the love you want.

Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Make it a priority to always be around things that you consider beautiful. Your bedroom should be restful and inviting. Your home space should be free of clutter. Changing your home environment will change your energy and create a new mindset towards love.

2. Are you surrounding yourself with people who support you?

If you’re not seeking out positive, supportive people in your life, you will feel overwhelmed. None of us can do it alone. Regardless of how strong you think you are, we all need outside input and camaraderie to remind us that we are valuable and special people.

If you spend time with friends who love to gossip and complain, this negativity will rub off on you. These kinds of interactions support a mindset of being a victim to outside circumstances. You must find people who have a positive outlook on life and love. Surround yourself with people who see you as the wonderful person you are.

3. Do you take courageous action on your own behalf?

As women, we were not really taught the value of courage. Courage was something reserved for boys. But, being fully committed to loving someone and being vulnerable (which true love requires) demands that you have courage.

It’s not easy to trust another human being with your deepest self. It can feel risky. A romantic relationship will require you to have the courage to face the ups and downs of life. Other courageous actions you will need to take include speaking up for yourself, honoring your boundaries and telling the truth.

Your mindset to find love will change as you take action. It will be your greatest ally to help you find your perfect partner.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Danielle Dowling. 

You went on a first date with an amazing man. You thought you looked great in that dress. You’re pretty sure that he found the stories about your dog hilarious. You’re certain that he didn’t notice you got a little tipsy on all those cocktails.

The problem is that he doesn’t call. Or text. Or email. So, you decide to call your girlfriends to dissect every single thing he said and every single thing you did. Why didn’t he ask you out again?

According to the men in my life, here are the top ten reasons why your first date with him ended up being your last…

1. It’s too easy to get into bed. Men love it when you’re crazy hot for them. The issue is that nobody wants to feel like they’re being used for sex or that anybody “with the right parts will do.” Some men separate women into camps of “one night stands” and “girlfriend material.” Though it’s not necessarily fair, those ladies who are quick to bed sometimes end up in the former.

2. You’re not sexually compatible. Maybe there’s a bit of canoodling on that first date. Or, at least enough to figure out where each of you fall on the continuum of sexuality. Maybe you kiss or move in a way that doesn’t quite work for him. Maybe you can’t relax or he can’t leave the lights on. Maybe you want it a little rough and he wants things soft and tender. Neither of you are “doing it wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.

   Some men like little skinny women. Some men like their curves. I highly recommend that you be with a man who likes your body the way it already is. Not if you lose a few or gain a few. Women need to feel desired. A part of us dies if we don’t feel sexually appealing. Your body type may not do it for him and he’s doing you a favor by not asking you again. Find the man who wants to wrap himself up in your deliciousness without you having to change a single thing.

3. He thinks you’re not into him. If you’re not particularly interested in a guy, there’s a pretty good chance he can tell. If you are interested in him, stop playing so “hard to get!” Shockingly enough, men have feelings too and he’s not going to ask you out again if he imagines he’s going to get rejected.
4. He doesn’t like the way you talk. Your friends think it’s hilarious when you pepper your speech with “omg!” and “sad face!” but this man might not be into it. It’s also possible that he’s not into baby voices, excessive swearing or the twenty minute rant about Ron Paul. If you think you’re alienating men with your conversational skills, ask a close guy friend for his honest opinion.
5. Your senses of humor and interests are incompatible.  He loves It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. You think it’s crass and mean-spirited. You love hiking through the great outdoors and he’s afraid of trees and fresh air. Again, neither of you are “wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.
6. You were critical of him. There’s a difference between playfully teasing a man and being mean. If you’re not sure where that line is, lean towards the side of sweet. If he teases you about your taste in light beers, you can hassle him about eating all the fries. A first date is not the time to make snide comments about his haircut, the neighborhood he lives in, his job or where he went to school.
7. You were bossy. Aren’t you cold? That’s not a very healthy thing to order. Will you hold my purse? Haven’t you had enough to drink? Do yourself a favor and keep the demanding remarks to yourself.
8. You have completely different ideas about manners and social discourse. You over-tip, hand write notes, remember everyone’s name and know which fork to use for each course. He thinks all of that is uptight rubbish. Again, both of your views are perfectly valid, but you’re probably better suited for someone else.
9. You made him share the bed with your three dogs.  The world is full of cat people. And dog people. And hamster people. If you love your dog and he doesn’t, find someone who does.
10. Your lifestyle doesn’t match his. You’re a powerhouse executive who only has Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings open for dating. Truth is some men want a more traditional, stay at home woman. The other half of them find your career prowess incredibly sexy. Look for that man. He will clear every Wednesday happy hour and Saturday morning brunch just for you.

I know it can be heart breaking when someone doesn’t ask you out again. You want a man who loves dogs, 47-minute political rants and the way you fill out your True Religion jeans.

Wait for the man that loves you just the way you are. Trust me. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Relationships are rarely smooth sailing. Like life itself, relationships provide us with a lot of shelter during the storm, but sometimes they are the storm.

My wife and I recently celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this, I decided to share my list of the top ten things I have learned in 36 years, in no particular order.

Click through to read these tips, and hopefully you’ll find some wisdom you can apply to your own relationship.

1. We’ve grown up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it’s these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, our relationship has grown.

2. We’ve changed with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty-nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.
3. Life comes in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy, you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.
4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.
5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage is our shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.
6. It isn’t always easy to tell the truth. Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same for me.

   What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is sensitive to. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.

8. Your presence is the best gift. The primary question in every intimate relationship is, “Are you really there for me?” Being present, paying attention, and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here.” One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.
9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.
10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.

Every relationship is unique of course, but I have noticed as a coach that these principles apply to all of us. Look in the mirror at yourself and your own marriage and see if some of these fit for you. Take the long view on your marriage and you will find your way!

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. When you find the man who’ll be beside you every day, it impacts every aspect of your life. So, when I see women who approach finding their “soulmate” with so little concern about it’s true importance, I feel overwhelming frustration.

They meet and date perfectly good men, men who want to be in a committed relationship; but then they treat these men as if they were nothing special, as if there were plenty more where they came from. They make the same mistakes with men over and over again, get the same results, and are in complete denial about their own behavior. This tells me they don’t take themselves or dating seriously enough.

I’ve also seen women transform into adolescent girls when they date; they have no regard for consequences. When they do this they diminish themselves and of course get less than spectacular results with men. How can you stop sabotaging your dates and give looking for love the importance it needs?

Here are the three most common mistakes you may be making…

1. You break your own rules.

How many times have you changed your mind on a date and let yourself be persuaded to break your own rules? The rule I see women break the most often is about when to have sex. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve determined that you won’t go to bed with a man until you both agree to be monogamous.

You’ve promised yourself not to sleep with a man who is also sleeping with other women. But, as soon as you begin to date a man you’re attracted too, you get caught up in the moment and like an impressionable young girl, you give in. You get intimate too soon with a man you could really care about. It changes everything and you’ve hardly gotten to know each other. Breaking this rule rarely works out in the long run.

Here are some other rules you might find yourself breaking:

• You pursue him instead of being patient
• You give more attention to him than he’s giving to you
• You lose yourself and make his needs more important than your own

2. You don’t fix what’s not working.

Human beings tend to like the familiar. We have a comfort zone we find hard to leave unless we’re really pushed. Life-changing experiences like illness or a car accident will propel you to make new and daring choices. But when life is just going along as usual, you can get lazy and avoid making the changes you need to be more successful with men.

One example is the fear of “making waves” in a relationship. Instead of speaking up for yourself, which can be a real challenge, you’ll go with the flow to keep the peace. Or if you’re used to having your guard up around men, you don’t risk being hurt by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You just stick to being the way you’ve always been because it’s easier than facing the fear of the change you need to make.

3. You haven’t handled your subconscious sabotage.

We all have subconscious sabotage; it keeps us eating too much, buying what we don’t need and pushing good men away. Yet, it’s something you can change once you become aware of it. The subconscious controls your habitual ways of being in relationships. For example, it will show up as a lack of self-worth or confidence, which makes it hard for you to set boundaries.

You have to recognize what the habitual thoughts are that aren’t working for you and change them. When a subconscious belief that is hurting you is made conscious (when you become aware of it) it will get “neutralized” and no longer “run you.” There are many ways to get at your subconscious beliefs, but three excellent ones are hypnotherapy, coaching, and guided imagery.

Looking for love is a serious business. If you’re really serious about looking for love, you have to take the bull by the horns and do these three things. They will require courage. You have to stop breaking your own rules, change the things you do that you know aren’t working, and finally, find out how you’ve been subconsciously sabotaging your relationships.

If you take your search for a good man seriously and do these 3 things — when you find him, you’ll know exactly what to do to keep him.

That’s because you and your partner think and feel very differently, she says. And that leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

In her book, Ariel provides wise advice and practical exercises to help you improve your relationship and overcome common obstacles. (She suggests keeping a journal to record your responses.) Here are five ideas you might find helpful.

1. Don’t put the blame solely on your partner.

Your partner isn’t solely to blame for your relationship problems. As Ariel writes, “The true problems lie in the blending of two different modes of being. It is not your partner’s fault that he doesn’t understand certain social expectations, just as it is not your fault that you don’t understand how the pipes in your house work.”

2. Learn as much as you can about AS.

If you don’t know much about AS, it’s easy to misinterpret your partner’s actions and think they don’t care about you. Educating yourself on how AS functions can be a huge help in better understanding your partner and feeling compassion toward them.

Individuals with AS don’t process information the same way everyone else does. According to Ariel, research using brain scans have shown differences between the brain structure and shape of people with AS vs. people without AS.

People with AS have a tough time picking up on nonverbal cues in interactions and understanding people’s emotions. They may misinterpret a loved one’s needs. They may fixate on their own interests and appear like they’re self-absorbed and just don’t care about others. Essentially, people with AS see and experience the world differently. But they absolutely do care and experience emotions — again, just differently.

Learn more in our article on myths and facts about Asperger Syndrome.

3. Reframe your partner’s behavior.

You might think that your partner knows precisely what you need but purposely ignores it or intentionally does something to hurt you. And when you think your partner is cold and mean, you not only get upset and angry, but you also might view all of their actions and intentions negatively, Ariel says.

Reframing your partner’s behaviors helps you refocus on your relationship and work to improve it (vs. stewing in the negativity). It also might help you come up with creative solutions.

You still might disagree with their actions and feel hurt. But you may better understand your partner and work to move forward.

To help you reframe your partner’s actions, Ariel recommends creating three columns in your journal: Behavior or Situation; How it Makes Me Feel; and Another Perspective.

In the first column, describe a behavior or situation that upsets you. In the second column, record your feelings and why you think your partner acts this way. In the third column, try to think of a different explanation for their behavior.

Say you were upset recently about how your spouse handled you being sick. According to Ariel, here’s how your columns might look:

1st column: “When I was sick in bed for three days, she came in only at dinnertime. She left food without asking how I felt.”

2nd column: “This proves how self-centered she is. She didn’t care that I felt lonely and sad because of our lack of connection.”

3rd column: “She likes to be alone when she feels sick. She thinks asking people how they feel when they’re sick is dumb.”

It helps if both of you do this exercise and can discuss it.

4. Be specific about your needs.

Many of us expect our partners to automatically know what we want. Or to know what we want after the many hints we drop.

In reality, that’s rarely the case. And it’s especially not the case with AS partners. Rather than expecting your partner to naturally know what you want or hinting at it, communicate your needs as specifically and directly as possible.

This can be tricky because you might think that you’re already being very obvious. Here’s a simple example: According to Ariel, you might say, “I’m going out for a few hours. Can you please do the yard work?” To you this obviously means bagging the leaves because it’s fall and they’re everywhere. To your partner, this might mean weeding.

Instead, it’s more helpful to say: “Can you please rake the leaves and put them in the leaf bags by the curb for Friday’s pickup?”

5. Talk about how you’d like to connect with each other.

Because you and your partner experience emotions differently, having an emotional connection also can be challenging. Remember that people with AS have a difficult time understanding and identifying emotions, and they may show very little emotion or express inappropriate emotions. You also might miss displays of deep connection from your partner because you express emotions so differently.

Ariel includes the below exercise to help you and your partner articulate how you can improve your emotional connection.

• Using index cards or slips of paper, write down what you do to help you feel more connected to your partner.
• Next write down at least five things you’d like your partner to do.
• Have your partner do the same and list what they do to help you feel connected and what they’d like you to do.
• Read each other’s cards and talk about how you’d like to connect in the future.
• Put the cards in boxes: one box for what you’d like your partner to do; another box for what they’d like you to do.
• Try to do a few of these behaviors each week, and regularly review your lists.

Even though being in a relationship with someone with AS may add additional challenges, together, you can absolutely learn to better understand each other and improve your relationship.

You can learn more about Cindy Ariel at her website.

Anger is one of those emotions we’re taught to suppress and many of us simply don’t know how to handle it. This webinar will help folks better understand the role of anger in a relationships, and ways with dealing with it.

Here are a few of the topics they’ll cover:

• Why effort and willpower are no match for ADHD treatment in curbing anger

• How anger erodes trust and creates anxiety
• The gender difference in coping with anger
• How untreated ADHD anger can lead to low self-esteem, dwindling self-confidence, and depression
• ADHD-specific anger-management techniques, tools, and treatment that work
• …and more!

A Q & A will also be included.

The webinar is this Thursday, May 10 from 8:00 PM – 9:00 PM EDT.

Host Zoë Kessler writes the popular blog, ADHD from A to Zoë here at Psych Central.  Diagnosed with ADHD at 46, Zoë, an author, journalist, speaker and workshop facilitator, is a regular feature article contributor to ADDitude Magazine; writes radio and film documentary about ADHD, and is featured in Her Fast Mind, a film about women and ADHD produced by The Bilkey ADHD Clinics and released in 2012.

Special Guest Melissa Orlov, is married to a man with ADHD. Melissa, a marriage consultant, is the award-winning author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. She also blogs at her website ADHD and Marriage (www.adhdmarriage.com), which she co-hosts with Dr. Ned Hallowell.

Space is limited, so sign up today!

Couples counseling can be an intense experience for both partners. Many people have seen their intimacy grow, their communication improve, and their relationship flourish during therapy. Joint counseling can help people see their strengths and weaknesses, both as individuals and partners.

Yet therapy, especially when it involves a couple, often is fraught with strong feelings and emotions. It also can be time-consuming, expensive, and, at times, painful.

Use the following four questions as a guide to determine if couples counseling is right for you. The answers might be yes, no, or sometimes, all of which are perfectly acceptable. Ideally, the time spent in counseling will challenge and inspire you and your partner to achieve a deeper, more fulfilling level of intimacy and joy.

1. Are you willing to take responsibility for your role in the conflict? Each person has a role to play when conflict arises in a relationship. The willingness to see how each individual contributes to the problem is crucial to being able to find a solution. When a couple comes in for therapy and each partner is able to state areas for improvement, or can admit fault for their mistakes or shortcomings, it’s a great sign that therapy could be beneficial. Even simply being able to wonder about one’s role in conflict is a great start. However, if one person is intent on blaming the other for all the problems, couples therapy will not be productive. Each partner needs to be able to understand his or her own role in the conflict.

   Keep in mind that issues of abuse are a different matter entirely.

2. Are you willing and able to commit to the time and financial and personal investment to see therapy through? Therapy is hard. It can bring up incredibly painful topics. Participants may feel embarrassed that another person is learning very personal details about themselves.

   Therapy also takes time. There is the 50-minute appointment, but also the drive to and from the therapist’s office to consider. Finding the time takes flexibility, and keeping the appointments is crucial. The therapy hour needs to be a priority for each individual, and may require special arrangements, including child care or leaving work early once a week.

   Therapy also is a financial expense, particularly if paid out of pocket. Many people are able to reduce superfluous spending and otherwise cut down on expenses to pay for counseling. If the funds are not available, it may make sense to delay treatment or find help at a low-cost clinic or other resource. Community mental health centers and churches often provide marriage counseling for a free or reduced rate.

3. Are you open to compromise? Just as each person shares responsibility for the problems in the relationship, they must share in the solutions. Compromise is the lifeblood of healthy relationships. If compromise can be achieved with a positive, willing attitude, it can make a huge difference, both in the relationship and in therapy. No one wants to live in a dictatorship.
4. Are you willing to do something different? This is the last and the most important idea to consider. By the time people come to therapy, they’ve tried many things, most of which aren’t working. Their fights consist of the same few arguments that never seem to be resolved.

   When disagreements are predictable to the point of sounding scripted, it’s time to do something different. This is where therapy comes in. A therapist will bring up new ideas, concepts, or suggestions. These suggestions may sound corny, frightening, or like a waste of time. This is where a willingness to try something different is critical. Learning a specific phrase to say when fighting, or using relaxation techniques, or making a point to physically step away from conflict may not sound like it will work, but being willing to try new ways of engaging with a partner is the only way things will change. And change is what therapy is all about.

People often come into therapy with exaggerated hopes of wanting their therapist to ‘fix’ their relationship, solve their problems, or even tell them if they should stay together. This is not the role of a therapist, or of the therapeutic process. Therapy is a process where each individual can learn new skills, gain understanding, and practice communication and conflict resolution in a supportive setting.

Couples often find that the things they have learned through therapy apply not only to their intimate relationships, but to their interactions with friends and relatives, coworkers or even their children. The same communication skills that help partners understand each other can also help when they have a disagreement with their boss or their 15-year-old.

Therapy is an investment in both the individual and the couple. Even if the relationship ends, the skills each person learns will continue to affect their lives. This is the true gift of therapy.

Texting has become an everyday facet of our lives. The feature serves as a platform that absolutely allows us to stay connected to others with instant communication. However, there is something to be said about the ways in which it has the potential to diminish our social skills, if we choose to allow it to do so.

Texting has the ability to reinforce ineffective communication. Individuals can ‘hide behind a screen’ to escape confrontation in friendships or romantic relationships.

A 2007 article in the Washington Post (“Hey, You’re Breaking Up on Me!”), discusses how “singles can avoid direct confrontation by crafting ‘Dear John/Jane’ letters using advanced technology.” Bernard Guerney Jr., founder of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement, says part of what’s occurring with texting is that people can use it when they lack the courage to face certain predicaments. This notion may be sending the wrong message, ‘no pun intended.’

“You grow some when you face things, and I think you lose something when you have to resort to tricky things and not confront people about things that are intimately important,” Guerney said. Texting could enhance avoidant tendencies and become an ‘easy way out’ for those who wish to ignore unpleasant or awkward situations, or ignore them altogether. But it’s left up to the individual to decide if they want to give into these more ‘cowardly’ methods.

“I just think people blame objects and things instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and behavior,” holistic health coach Kelly O’Leary said. “It’s not the cell phone’s fault that you chose to text in slang and whatnot instead of picking up the phone and calling someone or meeting them in person. That’s your decision to make. That says a lot about your character, not the technology.”

Texting also is impersonal. Emotional sentiments are expressed through typing, without clues such as tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. It’s probably more effective to have an intimate conversation in person if possible. However, texting provides an ‘out,’ even for the guys who’d rather not make that phone call to ask a girl on a date.

Psychologist and sociologist Sherry Turkle recently broadcast a talk entitled “Connected, but Alone?” She argues that our technological devices are redefining human connection. “We have conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourselves,” she said. Texting cannot serve as a substitute for a ‘meaningful connection,’ a connection that is much better formed when you spend the day with someone, where you can really get to know them on a deeper level.

Turkle also suggests that connection ironically yields isolation. Aside from taking yourself out of the present moment, “you can end up hiding from each other even as we all are constantly connected to each other.” In an age of advanced technology, many don’t wish to spend ‘alone time’ with themselves, but that solitude is needed in order to form attachments with others.

So does texting have the potential to hinder our social skills? Perhaps. The temptation is there, but it’s up to us to decide how to use it.

It comes as to no surprise to me that a recent major study confirms that education of couples about marital relationships and family life improves the chances of a happy and fulfilling marriage.

After grad school, I was the director of family life education for a large Philadelphia counseling agency. Through working there, I learned how much couples enjoy learning about relationship challenges both together and as individuals.

I learned that young couples who grow up in homes where they see, feel and experience their parents’ fulfilling lives together have a much better chance of creating their own happy marriages. Life is just easier for them from minute one of marital life.

I noticed that those couples who grew up with rage, distance or contempt between their parents had a far harder time living with depth, commitment and harmony. Plus, they did not have a clue about how to handle disagreements and how to express their anger. Often, minor difficulty resulted in out-of-hand arguments that doomed the life of a healthy marriage.

In the family life education courses and seminars, I have continued to teach topics such as control, communication, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. I have also focused on various challenges that couples go through together in different chapters of their lives. In addition, I made it a point to teach couples when to know that counseling is necessary. I also explained when to know that a relationship could benefit from what I call an “intermission,” and when an “intermission” should lead to a divorce.

Here’s my take on control, communication, intimacy and the stages of marriage in a nutshell:

Control: This is a killer of relationships. Controlling partners who dictate what their partner must and must not do at all times can cause unhappy marriages. These type of controlling partners withhold love and affection if they do not get what they expect and make a fulfilling life impossible.

Communication: To be successful, marriage must include some give, some take and some compromise. Sometimes things are one way and sometimes another. Sometimes, couples must find a whole new way to do something, one that they each and both can agree on.

Intimacy: In some homes, closeness and intimacy is frowned upon as unnecessary and “show offy.” It is only when couples learn that it is important to be tender and kind to each other that true, natural and easy intimacy can become part of an ongoing life.

Stages of Marriage: In each of these stages, when horrible fights cannot be avoided, counseling is truly necessary. Here is what should happen at each of the four stages of marriage:

1. In the first stage, the couple must shift their loyalties from their parents to their partners, who must become number one to each other. This does not mean that a couple no longer values or spends time with parents but that parents are no longer the most important family members to them. The parents cannot be the most important or necessary intimacy and devotion to a partner cannot develop.

2. In the second stage, if the couple has children, their loyalty and devotion is extended to them as the couple learns to balance these responsibilities with work responsibilities inside and outside of their homes. If they are successful, sadness and injustices are eased by the family love that is created and maintained.

3. This third stage involves the growing up of children and how this in dealt with. This stage also involves any difficulties with health in the immediate and extended family (which could have come earlier also, of course). In this period, parents work very hard so that communication and time for close sharing between the couple and the entire family can be maintained.

4. The fourth stage involves the challenges and adjustments when sons and daughters are at the age of leaving home. Of course, in this financial climate, many sons and daughters cannot leave. This is a challenge in its own right.

5. The fifth stage five involves the changes in life as a couple ages or deals with devastating illness or death.

Sometimes time apart, or what my clients and I call an “intermission,” as counseling continues can help a couple to become close once again. Couples usually know for themselves when divorce is necessary. If children are involved, continuing counseling can help a couple hold onto the determination that their children must suffer as little as possible for this decision.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Margaret Paul.

“Science has finally confirmed what anyone who’s ever been in love already knows: Heartbreak really does hurt.” —  CNN Health 

In a new study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers have found that the same brain networks that are activated when you’re burned by hot coffee also light up when you think about a lover who has spurned you.

In other words, the brain doesn’t appear to firmly distinguish between physical pain and intense emotional pain. Heartache and painful breakups are “more than just metaphors,” says Ethan Kross, Ph.D., the lead researcher and an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor.

Heartbreak might even hurt more than being burned by coffee. While no one wants to be physically burned, most people are far more focused on having  control over not experiencing the pain of heartbreak than the pain of a coffee burn.

The interesting thing to me is that most people have no problem treating themselves with  kindness and caring if they are physically hurt, but they have a hard time bringing that same level of compassion to themselves if they are emotionally hurt. Still, a broken heart needs even more gentleness and tenderness than a physical burn.

What Do You Do When Your Heart Is Broken?

Most people have learned many addictive ways of avoiding feeling the pain of their broken heart. As Alexander, a client of mine, told me in a phone session, “I hadn’t smoked for years, but I’ve been smoking since my wife left me for another man six years ago. I can’t seem to stop.”

Alexander will not be able to stop smoking until he is willing to feel the burning pain of his broken heart — with deep kindness and compassion toward himself. Smoking is not the only addiction Alexander turns to. Alexander is constantly judging himself for the choices he made during his marriage. As bad as his guilt and shame feel, he prefers these feelings to feeling the loneliness, heartbreak, and helplessness over his wife that lie under his smoking and self-judgments.

When You Feel Lonely And Heartbroken, Do You: 

• Overeat, eat junkfood, smoke, drink too much, or take drugs?

• Go on spending sprees?
• Guilt and shame yourself with self-judgments?
• Get angry and blame others, and persist in seeing yourself as a victim?
• Space out in front of the TV?
• Turn to Internet sex and pornography?
• Get overly busy with work and other activities?
• Turn to process addictions such as gambling or video games?

While Alexander’s addictions work for the moment to pacify his pain, what they really do is prolong his suffering, which is why he started to work with me. Alexander had never learned how to embrace his heartbreak — with the caring and kindness he needed — to allow the feelings to move through him.

Because Alexander had avoided opening up to and fully digesting his painful feelings, they were stuck in the muscles of his body, causing his back to go into spasms, which was causing a pinched nerve.

The truth is that painful feelings — even heartbreak — move through our bodies and are released far more quickly when we embrace them than when we avoid them with our various addictions. In order for our feelings to flow through us rather than get stuck in our muscles causing further pain, they need to be attended to with compassion for ourselves. This means we need to embrace them with gentleness, tenderness, caring, kindness and understanding. This is what allows our feelings to be fully felt, digested and released.

Psych Central.com’s Ask the Therapists Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D. & Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. talk about couples therapy — psychotherapy designed to help two people in a romantic relationship work through their problems in a supportive and safe environment.

Marie and Dr. Dan host many videos on relationship and mental health topics here on our blog and you can check them out on our YouTube channel. Want to learn more about Dr. Marie and Dr. Dan?

What do you think about couples therapy?
Have you ever tried it? Please leave your thoughts in our comments section.