Rob, 35, from California asks:

Last year my wife flipped out when I bought her lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The truth is, I still don’t know why. She just got angry and said, “Isn’t it obvious?” and that was it. Any advice on what I get her this year that won’t set her off (and that we both can enjoy), which is what I thought the point of Valentine’s Day was?

Maryanne’s answer:

Rob, that’s a great question. Some guys might have just blown it off and thought, “Hmmm, maybe this year I’ll get her some lingerie in a different color.” Sounds like you’re guessing that is not the answer, unless you like being told off and sexually frustrated.

In terms of what you can get, you need to get clear on what both your expectations are about Valentine’s Day… and the more explicit the better! Because likely, her reaction last year is not only a symptom of what’s really going on, but has now had a chance to fester and become a resentment for you both. That is like poison in a relationship. So, getting clarity is what should be first on your list!

You can start by saying a simple “I love you (fill in her pet name; babe, honey, sweetie) and I know last year’s Valentine’s was a little rough, so I was wondering what we could do to make this one special.” Things could go either way: on one hand, your inquiry might elicit a simple and straightforward answer like “Awww, thanks for asking honey, I don’t know…what were you thinking?” Maybe she too realizes how Valentine’s Day conjures old memories or expectations, and all she wanted was to be asked. Or you might have created an opportunity to listen to what really upset her last year, a great segue to discussing what Valentine’s Day means, and have a mature and loving talk about how you both would like this one to play out.

If it’s the latter and you’d like this to stay on course, to be effective, constructive, mature and responsible (as opposed to her unloading, reacting or blaming, or whatever your concern), here are some guidelines that will help set you up to succeed in engaging in responsible, effective communication:

1. State your objective clearly: I want to talk about how we can have a great Valentine’s Day together this year.

2. Timing: Make sure you don’t approach her while she’s on her way out the door, brushing her teeth or obviously frantic about anything. Most women, when you say “I want to talk,” will likely want to talk now. If not, ask her when a good time is.

3. Agree on some ground rules, such as the following: We each get 3-5 minutes to talk without interruption, without using I-messages and without blame. If neither one of you knows what an I-message is, go online and find out, it could save your relationship. An example is, “I felt disappointed when you gave me lingerie when I really wanted to go out to a romantic dinner.” or, “I feel resentful that you don’t spend more time being romantic like we used to be.” Then you say: “I feel angry about how contrived this holiday is sometimes and then I feel pressure on me to do it perfect and if I don’t do it right I’ll get cut off and I don’t like guessing at what you want or trying to read your mind.”

4. Repeat what you heard: This is critical; take turns and repeat back what you heard each other say. Doing this carefully and sincerely allows you to unlock your compassionate heart and start moving the energy from feeling separate towards being more connected.

5. Be honest about how you would like it to be: Spend 3-5 minutes telling each other what you want this Valentine’s Day or Valentine’s in general to be like ideally. “I would like to go out to a nice dinner, surprise me on where, and then let’s maybe come home and fool around, I love the buildup…” And you might say: “I would really like to stay in, order takeout and then have you give me a sexy massage and skip your friend’s party.”

6. Negotiate on each other’s behalf: This is the fun part; now you get to switch roles and be each other’s advocate, keeping in mind the ultimate goal, which is to create more intimacy and connection! That might look like, she says on his behalf: “How about I make you dinner, give you a massage, we stop by the party if you still want to for an hour?” And then he says on her behalf: “How about I take you out for champagne and appetizers, we stop by your friend’s for a half hour and then come home and give each other massages?”

Typically, after you have taken care to connect and hear each other, you realize that you both want the same thing: to be together, to understand what each other wants and to please one another. You just might let it all go, pop a bottle of bubbly, Skype your friends at the party while she’s wearing your lingerie and then take a taxi to an all-night diner after you’ve made love!

The thing is, relationships aren’t tidy and our wants and needs change from moment to moment, year-in and year-out. So while you may not be willing to give or get what you want this time, keep in mind that Valentine’s Day or not, true love is kind, patient and always respectful. We don’t need a holiday to remember that! And responsible communication is the way we can show it 365 days a year!

But no matter how much chocolate we eat, how bright our flowers, how much we say that it’s a silly holiday, or how happy or unhappy we are about the state of our relationships, this love celebration often comes with some serious pangs of loneliness.

While we might fantasize that love is a cure for loneliness, and imagine that someday we’ll stop feeling lonely, or that other people don’t feel lonely, the reality is that love and loneliness go hand in hand; when we open our hearts to feel love, we also open our hearts to feel loneliness.

Loneliness does not mean that we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us. Loneliness is not a contagious disease that we can ward off by never being alone or manically pursuing relationships. Loneliness is not a sin. Loneliness does not mean we are ungrateful.

Loneliness is not reserved for single people, depressed people and introverts. Loneliness is a part of every human’s experience, whether we are looking for a partner, married, the life of the party, or a certifiable hermit.

There is the loneliness of having a secret we are afraid to tell, the loneliness of illness, and the loneliness of being misunderstood. There is the loneliness of having a face, body, or brain that looks or behaves differently from the people around us. There is the loneliness of looking around at our family and wondering ‘who are these people? Was I switched at birth?’

There is the loneliness of feeling disconnected from our spouse, invisible to our partner, ignored by our lover. There is the loneliness of being the one who is financially responsible for our family and the loneliness of being financially dependent on a spouse. There is the loneliness of feeling imprisoned in a box of other people’s expectations and the loneliness of yet another ‘eat your carrots’ negotiation with our 3-year-old.

There is the loneliness of having to keep on living without that someone who is suddenly, or not so suddenly, just not there anymore. There is the loneliness of caring for someone who used to care for us, or for someone who no longer even recognizes us.

There is the loneliness of not having our perspectives on politics, religion, or life in general shared by other people. There is the loneliness of trying so hard to have our gifts and work valued by others, and still feeling unrecognized, unappreciated, and unseen. There is the loneliness of being alone on our path of life, with no one showing us the way forward, or telling us it’s going to be okay.

There is the loneliness of bad things happening and wondering why we seem to have been forgotten by God or the universe, or wondering why we are being singled out and punished. There is the loneliness of coming home to no one and the loneliness of feeling like we are trapped behind glass while the world goes on around us.

There is the loneliness of feeling disconnected from our own thoughts, feelings, and sense of self — a loneliness that comes in the shape of confusion, scattered energy, and a sense of being lost.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, as we open our hearts, let us also open our eyes to see that life is an endless arc between loneliness and love. We are capable of love because we know loneliness, and we know loneliness because we are capable of love.

It takes courage and strength to keep swinging on the pendulum. We may wish that we could stop time and hold on to that moment of love, and when we can’t hold on, we may be tempted to throw our hands up and simply define ourselves as all alone. But time marches on, and swing we do, in a journey through loneliness and love that is fluid and complex. We are alone and we are fully connected. And we are, all of us, in it together, everywhere in between.

1. Know how your partner likes to be loved.

Partners have different needs and find different things appealing. For one partner, a bouquet of flowers is a special gift. For another, flowers are meaningless but a book makes their heart skip a beat. (Honey, if you’re reading this, you know I appreciate both!)

This is where your partner’s “love frame” comes in. This term originated from psychologist George Bach, according to Bill Cloke, Ph.D, a psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles for over 20 years and author of Happy Together: Creating A Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy. It simply refers to how you show love to your partner along with how you feel most loved.

“Knowing what your partner likes to receive when they want to feel loved can create a very special feeling because they sense that you know who they really are and love them for it,” Cloke said.

2. Make your gift personal.

“A simple handwritten note telling your partner why you’d still choose him or her if you had to do it all over again says ‘I love you’ much better than a box of candy,” said Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychotherapist, researcher and author of the forthcoming book Finding Love Again: Six Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.

3. Give the gift of giggling.

As long as it isn’t at your partner’s expense, a silly gift — along with a more serious one — can be a fun way to express your love, Cloke said. “I remember when a girlfriend of mine gave me a birthday gift of a small leaded glass case with marbles inside and the word replacements lettered on the top,” he said.

4. Give the gift of touch.

Touching, such as kissing, hugging and cuddling, is another great way to express your love, Orbuch said.  “Even if you’re not romantic, everyone needs and responds to the loving touch of a partner,” she said.

5. Remember that money isn’t meaningful.

With all the ads and commercials about presents, there’s a lot of pressure to spend and spend big on Valentine’s Day. This might lead you to spend money you don’t have or turn you off from the holiday altogether. But remember that romance doesn’t have a price tag, Cloke said.

Instead of viewing Valentine’s Day as a wily marketing ploy, Orbuch suggested seeing it as an opportunity for quality time. And this means different things to different couples. For instance, you might want to dine out at a nice restaurant or stay in and cuddle on the couch, she said.

6. Fill a need for your partner.

“If mushy romanticism isn’t for you, think of something your partner really needs,” Orbuch said. This might be anything from getting his car detailed to replacing her tattered briefcase, she said.

7. Muse over your magical moments.

As Cloke said, “All relationships have unforgettable moments or you wouldn’t be in it.” Take the time to talk about those special moments when you were first falling in love. You can even write them down, and exchange your lists, Cloke said.

In fact, just talking with your partner for 10 minutes about any topic — aside from kids, work, finances or household chores — can boost your relationship, Orbuch said. Her long-term marriage study found that talking to your partner every day for just 10 minutes increased intimacy, bonding and happiness.

You got together with your life partner for many reasons: shared perspectives and outlooks, physical attraction, shared spirituality, shared professional lives, etc. But you also enjoyed one another’s company because it’s fun! In the beginning, you did not have much but each other, but it was enough. There were sweet words, long phone talks, walks and candlelit dinners. You had meaningful conversations, shared your dreams and goals, planned your future together.

What is your relationship like today? Does it still include fun times and romance? Or have you resorted to talking about and handling chores and responsibilities related to children, career and other duties of adult life?

When fun leaves a relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is heading toward the rocks. Fun is a part of life and it’s definitely a part of any healthy relationship. It’s something that brought you together, made you want to stay with each other. It is something that helps you stay together, survive life’s hardships and forgive each other in bitter moments.

When life gets difficult, it puts a heavy weight on your scale of marital balance, dragging it down. Good times together is the weight that you put on the other side of the scale, to give you a much-needed internal lift. It helps you put things in perspective, balance it out and feel good about yourself, your partner, and your life together.

The way you and your significant other define fun is up to you, but it’s important to keep doing it even as your relationship matures. Love to dance but haven’t been in years? It’s time to make a new dance date. Liked watching movies together, but haven’t made time to do it in months (or years)? Pick a night and head to a theater or rent a movie. Have dinner in a restaurant or cook a meal together at home.

Remember that in our most bitter moments, what we crave is some sweetness. In the midst of busyness and stress, we desperately desire lighthearted fun and relaxing moments. You don’t have to wait till things get tough to consider bringing fun back into your life.

Nor do you have to wait for a special day, like a birthday or Valentine’s Day, to become romantic and create special memories for the two of you. Do these things for you, for your spouse, for both of you as a family every day, starting now. If you’ve noticed that your family bank of fun is depleted, begin depositing happy tokens today.

So how does a relationship recover from cheating? How do you make amends with it personally?

I’m pleased to introduce the second in a series of interviews and conversations with two of our resident therapists about a wealth of mental health topics. In this installment, Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA answer the question of how to recover from cheating in this latest video from Psych Central.

Can your relationship survive cheating? What about the forbidden fruit in relationships? When does flirting turn into cheating?

Dr. Marie and Dr. Dan will be hosting many future videos on relationship and mental health topics in the weeks to come. We will post them here as we publish them, or you can check them out on our new YouTube channel. Want to learn more about Dr. Marie and Dr. Dan?

What do you think about their advice? Please leave your thoughts in our comments section.

I did ultimately give her a little bit of money, but what I was really struck by was her overall concern that I would laugh or make fun of her current anxious state. “I’m sure you must think I’m crazy approaching strangers, but I’m just so nervous,” she said. Although she was in a rather desperate situation, which can surely call for communicating with strangers, she was focused on how others would perceive her outreach.

This woman at the train station is certainly not different from you and me. To an extent, we all care what other people think of us. In fact, it permeates every facet of our being, and we typically are not even aware of it. Caring about what others think infiltrates ordinary, everyday aspects of our lives, whether it may be tending to our physical appearance, making certain life choices, or selectively choosing the words we say to those around us.

Social networking sites probably only enhance the need for approval, and Facebook is a prime example.

While some individuals create a Facebook page purely to keep tabs on friends and family, it predominantly serves as a platform — a platform in which we play a ‘role’ that entertains an audience willing to listen. We know what we’re doing when we upload certain photos, post expressive statuses, and write specific sentiments on various walls; not only do we crave attention from others, but we want others to see us in a particular light.

According to an article by Tom Perry, CEO of YourCoach, the need for approval has been conditioned within us since birth.

“Approval from others gives us a higher sense of self-esteem. We’re convinced that their recognition matters to our self-worth and how deeply we value ourselves.”

While seeking approval from others may be inevitable, problems may arise depending on how far one goes down that road. When caring how other people perceive us interferes with our own intuition, that’s when you may need to simply follow your heart and do what you feel is right. If you find yourself biting your lip from saying a quirky comment out of fear that others will raise their eyebrows in judgment, maybe that’s a time to try to bury that mindset and just be yourself.

By the same token, caring how others perceive us isn’t necessarily all negative. It does make sense to censor what we say to spare hurt feelings, to act appropriately at a religious affair, or to dress a certain way to fit into a designated environment. (Wearing a low-cut top on a job interview at a corporate office may not be the best way to impress the company’s president.) In other words, there are lots of gray areas and it’s up to you to decide if you care too much what others think.

As the woman at the train station walked away to share her story with someone else, I smiled to myself, knowing that I did not roll my eyes at her account. Evidently, those actions would have indeed affected her, and I did not wish to be a source of her angst. See how it comes full circle?

My only regret is not recommending the pina colada smoothie for her next Penn Station venture.

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.

Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe and “calm down.”

Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings.

What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.

Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

4. Develop and cultivate compassion.

Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”.

The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

6. Partner, heal thyself.

Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.

All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

8. Make time for your relationship.

No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

9. Say the “hard things” from love.

Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.

There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts.

Do you have a great relationship tip of your own?
If so, share it in the comments below.

First, let me congratulate you for having your priorities in order with your concern about the kids. You are facing one of the greatest parent challenges. Realize this is a big moment. Take a deep breathe. Another. Now do what you always do when you tackle anything important: have an action plan and rehearse it. If you do this well, there are a lot of positive benefits for all.

Kids are smart, and chances are yours won’t be surprised. They have been living with the tension of your relationship, whether it felt hot (anger) or cold (ice). It hasn’t felt good. Kids hear and notice everything you do, all of the time.

All kids today know other kids whose parents have been divorced. Most kids have known kids and their parents pre-split. News travels about what it looked like before their decision to separate was announced.

Giving your children an age appropriate and respectful explanation of your decision to split can even be a relief from the constant feeling of tension not knowing what could happen. The costs of living in an environment that always feels tense and strained is toxic for overall health and well-being.

Research shows the damaging effects the stress hormone Cortisol has when it is constantly being dumped into your nervous system. Regardless of whether you decide to get back together or divorce, if there is fighting going on, the kids suffer. Making the commitment to remove toxic energy from your interactions moving forward is going to have significant benefits for everyone.

Recognize you both have the opportunity to model for your kids by healthy termination. Let them see how two adults can respectfully make a conscious choice to end a relationship when best efforts have not been able to turn it around. It is a great example you can give to your children for handling future conflict in their lives.

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Breaking Up

Telling your kids you’re breaking up isn’t easy to do in the best of circumstances, but these six tips may help.

1. Tell your kids together.

No matter your differences, you both are their parents and that job comes first. You both need to plan and have this conversation. Start the conversation by letting your kids know first and foremost, you will always love them and that will never change.

2. Take the shame, blame, and criticism out of the decision to split.

Take responsibility for your behavior and show up with the best of yourself for this process. This conversation is the first of many to show how you can work respectfully together and are developing a new relationship as co-parents.

For the first time, in perhaps a very long time, give your kids the experience that you are both on the same page. That’s not to say you agree on all parenting issues, but you both agree your kids come first — before your own interests. From that shared vision, negotiate your differences.

3. Let your kids know what the decision to split will look like.

Who will be leaving the home? When will they stay/live with that parent and where? How their schedules and activities will change and stay the same.

4. Rehearse what you’ll say before you say it.

Anything you want to do well, needs practice. I expect a lot of emotion will likely come up in this conversation. By having dry-runs with your partner, you can work through some of those moments and learn to anticipate and rehearse what things you could say if unconstructive, attack, shame or blame comments get throw in.

Anticipating rough spots, if any come up, gives you the opportunity to plan for modeling the ability to own your own emotion, and that it got in the way of what you really want them to get, namely, you are committed from this moment on to communicate more effectively to be heard.

5. Remind them at the end, where you started.

The two most important things you both want them to take away from this conversation is this decision is not because of anything they have done or failed to do. This is not their fault, #1 … and, that you both love them and will love them, forever and always. Tell your kids that no matter who they are spending physical time with, you always hold them in your own heart and mind.

6. Give your children time to adjust. 

Make room to notice how they are doing, encourage questions, and keep familiar routines.

Your kids will experience comfort and hope for the future, however it looks in the end, seeing the two of you coming together, connecting, and working together for their well-being.

In the land of the strange but true, as a former Tibetan Buddhist nun I fell in love with and married a man who counsels sex addicts and who is a recovering sex addict himself. Joining him in his counseling practice has allowed me a look into the lives of many people who have struggled with sex and relationship addictions.

These relationships have also impelled me to contemplate how the grace and teaching that I received from my Tibetan teachers can supply guidance in how to work with the compulsions or addictions that manifest in our world today. A young woman called tonight, crying.

Her husband had promised he would stop accessing Internet porn. She had recently given birth to their first child, and on their home computer she discovered that in the previous few days her husband had visited dozens of porn sites.

What should she do?

Earlier today we received a call from a very successful local businessman whose wife had once again discovered a number of sexually explicit text messages and emails on his cell phone. These messages had been sent to and received from friends of the couple, acquaintances, business associates, and prostitutes. His wife was prepared to leave the marriage because she had discovered this sort of evidence previously and he had promised “never to do it again.” Could he be helped?

A woman, a successful attorney, has been working with us because she realized that for the last ten years she has remained in an abusive marriage due to her fear of being alone.

What is it that creates a compulsion to have sex as often as possible? Or to fantasize about sex with an individual of an inappropriate age? Or to compulsively fear being alone, to feel compelled to “be in a relationship?” Why have otherwise reasonable and educated people continued to make choices that lead to greater suffering for themselves and for the people closest to them?

For many, the lure of porn and/or affairs is that the anonymity of connecting with a stranger is less frightening than the intimacy required when connecting with a true partner. For others, the safety of masturbating to pornographic images is instantly satisfying and less frightening than weathering the complexities of human relationship.

The Internet has provided the opportunity to connect more anonymously, and materials that in the past would have required a trip to a porn shop are now available twenty-four hours a day without leaving home. Sexually stimulating material can be viewed with just a few clicks in the relative privacy of one’s home or office.

Internet porn has been labeled “crack cocaine” for the sexually compulsive individual. On television talk shows and in the news, we seem to hear more and more about this compulsion labeled “sex addiction” or “relationship addiction.”

In the counseling program my husband and I offer, many individuals have reported difficult events during childhood. These events seem to have led to a kind of “freezing” of the state of fascination with sex typical of the pubescent child moving into young adulthood. This can manifest as turning to the safety of the non-threatening porn image, as being sexually attracted to children who are the same age as when one’s trauma occurred, or as a need to experience sexual release in unsuitable or dangerous situations.

While masturbation and viewing porn movies may at times be part of a healthy sex life, habits rooted in childhood abuse and/or trauma can become compulsive and limiting, cutting one off from healthy ways of relating to sexuality and to others.

Buddhism to the Rescue

So how can meditative practices and insights help us work with such compulsive and limiting sexuality? Through the years of my practice and work, my thinking on these themes has evolved, informed by wedding the wisdom of traditional Buddhist teachings with the wisdom of Western psychological models.

Western science teaches that our desire to survive, to protect ourselves, to avoid pain, to feel good, or to just be happy is wired into the core of our biology. The urge to connect with another being is also natural; we are social animals and quite naturally require human connection at a biological level. This urge for connection seems to me to mirror our urge to reconnect with the truth of who we are.

At the heart of Tibetan Buddhism is the instruction to look to the core — to the who that is observing. The truth of who we are is the peace we recognize in a moment of meditation when we disconnect from our usual awareness of thoughts, in a moment of undefended love, in a transcendent moment in nature, in a newborn’s eyes, in the moment before we drift off to sleep.

Buddhist teachings point to how each of us can learn to work with urges that have become compulsions or addictions that don’t serve ourselves or others. By bringing such urges into the light of awareness, we can watch them arise as signals of something seeking our attention. At that point we can determine how to respond — or not.

First, we can notice that when uncomfortable, painful feelings arise, our animal instinct may interpret them as threatening and our biochemical imperative may try to take over. We may have a tendency to strike out in anger, to run away or numb out in fear, or to seduce the perceived dangerous entity to protect ourselves from peril.

Secondly, we can realize that suffering is a natural part of human existence. This is a basic tenet of Buddhist teachings. Every one of us will experience loss, disappointment and betrayal. We cannot avoid suffering, so how can we learn to navigate the waves of discomfort when the urge to engage in compulsive or addictive behavior arises? How can compulsion serve as an ally?

Sometimes we use activities like impersonal sex or being in unhealthy relationship as an avoidance of painful experience. The obsessive need for sexual release or the fear of being alone is simply a mistaken expression of the very natural urge we all share to find peace, to return “home.” Instead, we can become more and more willing to fully experience our urges as energy, and we can stand right in the middle of the discomfort.

In 1988, when I was visiting Kalu Rinpoche in India, he said:

“When an enemy arises in your life, even though you may kill it, another will simply arise, because all arisings are simply a manifestation of your own state of consciousness.”

I still remind myself that it won’t do any good to banish the feelings inside of me that I don’t like and don’t want to have anymore.

All we can ultimately do is turn and face the perceived enemy. For example, the mother of one of our clients was inappropriate with him sexually when he was in his early teens. As an older man, he watched porn movies each weekend alone in his small condo. The transient solace of release at the moment of orgasm became his primary source of comfort. Having sex with a real live woman caused him to relive the discomfort he felt from the earlier inappropriate sexual innuendo by his mother.

Instead, he only felt comfortable expressing his sexuality with pictures and videos. As this man began to meet the emotions and feelings that arose with his urge to watch a porn movie — to experience directly the aversion and shame beneath the urge — his compulsive use of porn simply did not seem necessary. He began to date a lovely woman, whom he has now married. Although he still has fears about sex with his wife, and his awareness of his desire for human connection, he is taking steps toward experiencing intimate, connected human sexuality.

In working with uncomfortable feelings, the only antidote is turning, facing, and fully experiencing. When dealing with those places that feel deeply wounded, fully engaging with such feelings can take some time. But eventually, we gain enough perspective and increase our capacity to feel the feelings we’ve previously worked so hard to avoid. We learn that the energy of these feelings will not destroy us.

On the contrary, they allow us to experience the truth of ourselves in a more profound way. A moment during which it seems we cannot bear the discomfort is precisely the moment of opportunity, the doorway to experience a feeling simply as energy, as a force that has arisen. This is how the seeming enemy becomes an ally.

Those who experience sexual or relationship compulsions (whatever form they may take) may also suffer from shame due to our society’s stigmatization around such tactics of alleviating or avoiding suffering. Instead of shame, what’s required is compassion — not as license, but as kindness and empathy born from the understanding that each and every one of us, including you, has our own particular strategies of protection and avoidance. We can finally come to see that our most “shameful” challenges can be held in tender compassion. From this compassion, our hearts can hold all suffering.

Originally published in Inquiring Mind magazine, a semiannual journal dedicated to the creative transmission of Buddhadharma to the West.

But what do you do when you face cheating in your relationship?

I’m pleased to introduce the first of a series of interviews and conversations with two of our resident therapists about a wealth of mental health topics. In this installment, Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA answer the question about cheating and explore the various aspects of cheating — including how different people define cheating differently — in this latest video from Psych Central.

It may help to read this article about cheating from Dr. Marie as well.

Can your relationship survive cheating? What about the forbidden fruit in relationships? When does flirting turn into cheating?

Dr. Marie and Dr. Dan will be hosting many future videos on relationship and mental health topics in the weeks to come. We will post them here as we publish them, or you can check them out on our new YouTube channel. Want to learn more about Dr. Marie and Dr. Dan?

What do you think about their advice? Please leave your thoughts in our comments section.

In the beginning of a new relationship, the time I think of as the Golden Days, your partner can do no wrong. Snoring is cute. Picking up the socks that end up all over the house is an act of love. The thought of a serious fight seems impossible — until it happens.

The person you love the most, to whom you are closest, becomes irritating, stupid, or irrational. Suddenly the Golden Days are replaced with reality. You and your partner are shedding your pretenses. Neither you nor your loved one feels the need to impress the other. You are committed to each other. You’re comfortable together.

But the snoring starts to drive you crazy, and you resent the socks you have to pick up. Conflict arrives.

All couples experience conflict, but there are ways to minimize its pain and maximize its growth. Instead of drawing you and your partner apart, conflict can bring your relationship to a new level of intimacy. This happens not by chance, but through learning new ways of relating to your partner and new relationship skills.

1. Decide on a topic and a time.

If there is an issue you want to resolve with your partner, decide together on a time and day to discuss it. Don’t plan it for when you’re tired, or likely to be stressed. If you can, make it for when you’ll have the privacy and time you need. For some, this means talking after the kids are in bed, or when you can hire a babysitter. It may mean planning time on the weekend, when your stress level is lower. Make it an appointment that you have thought about and agreed upon with your partner, and stick to it.

2. Keep on topic.

I can’t stress this one enough. If you’ve set aside time to talk about needed home repairs, don’t start discussing how your partner didn’t take down the Christmas lights until August. It can be very easy to try to get all of your complaints in at once, but resist that temptation. This time is for the agreed-upon topic only. Otherwise you will both become overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated.

3. Learn how to actively listen.

Active listening is more than simply hearing. It is listening with all your attention on what your partner is saying. It means not thinking of what you want to say next, but focusing your entire self on your partner.

As you actively listen, you want to make sure what you’re hearing is what your partner is saying. Saying something like “so, it sounds like you’re really angry that I didn’t go with you to your work party” gives your partner space to clarify — “no, it wasn’t that. It was that you didn’t even ask me how it went when I came home.” Then you try again with a statement such as “you wanted me to show interest in it.”

Ask and clarify until your partner feels like you get it. It might feel strange at first, but once you get a handle on active listening, you will find it is an incredible tool to have for all sorts of conflict in your life, not just in your relationship.

4. Compromise.

A relationship is a partnership that entails give and take. If there is something that you and your partner cannot agree on, then you need to figure out some sort of compromise.You don’t need to be completely enthusiastic about it, but you do have to feel comfortable with it.

5. Be kind.

Some people call this “fighting fair,” but you don’t need to be fighting to use this skill. Don’t call your partner names. This is never helpful, and it only increases tension. Don’t use the word “always” (because it’s often untrue). Try to use “I” statements: “I feel….I think…I need.” Don’t try and read your partner’s mind. “You feel…you think….you need” are phrases to stay away from. Only you partner knows these things — you can only assume or guess.

Learning and using these five skills will improve how you and your partner interact, and your relationship will grow. Couples who have good communication skills are able to work through problems in a healthy way. Conflict will never be fun, but it is expected and normal. Being able to work through problems can lead to growth and deeper levels of intimacy, and in the end makes a relationship stronger.

In addition to sharing what leads to a successful marriage, Gottman also debunks common myths about relationships. Here are three that I found especially interesting and surprising — and I think you will, too!

By the way, you can learn more about John Gottman and his research here.

1. Myth: Better communication will save your marriage.

Fact: We often hear that successful conflict resolution, which includes active listening, makes for healthy and happy marriages. But according to Gottman, most of the roughly 650 couples they sampled “rarely do anything that even partly resembles active listening when they’re upset.”

Also, a study by researcher Kurt Hahlweg and colleagues found that couples were still distressed after trying active listening techniques. Couples that were helped relapsed within a year.

Plus, conflict-resolution-based marital therapies have a high relapse rate. He cites research that reveals a success rate of 35 percent for the best conflict resolution therapy, a rate that diminished a year later. (Only 18 percent of the couples maintained improvements at followup.)

One of the problems is that most couples aren’t able to listen actively. And it’s hard to be empathetic and objective when your partner is talking about you. According to Gottman, “Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics when their relationship can barely walk.”

He doesn’t discourage people from using the technique. He says that if you think it’ll help, give it a try. But “Even if it does make your fights ‘better’ or less frequent, it alone cannot save your marriage,” he writes.

2. Myth: Avoiding conflict will kill your marriage.

Fact: We also often hear that fighting is a good thing. You get out your grievance instead of letting it fester and balloon until you erupt. We’ve come to believe that staying silent will sabotage and subvert relationships.

But according to Gottman, “Plenty of lifelong relationships happily survive even though the couple tend to shove things under the rug.” He gives the example of Allan and Betty:

When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing happened. Never in forty years of marriage have they sat down to have a “dialogue” about their relationship. Neither of them could tell you what a “validating” statement is. Yet they will tell you honestly that they are both satisfied with their marriage and that they love each other deeply, hold the same values, love to fish and travel together, and wish for their children as happy a married life as they have shared.

Gottman says that couples just have different conflict styles. Some avoid fights like the plague. Others fight often. And still others are able to talk issues through calmly and reach a compromise.

Surprisingly, neither style is superior. The key is that partners aren’t a mismatch in their argument style. So if one partner wants to discuss a conflict, but the other flees the house or turns on the TV, that’s a problem.

3. Myth: Reciprocity underlies happy marriages.

Fact: Some people and even professionals believe that happy partners have an implied agreement to compensate each other for their good deeds. For instance, you cook dinner and your partner responds in kind by washing the dishes.

Alternately, in bad marriages, it’s believed that couples have broken that contract, and built-up resentment results. In theory, by informing couples about this unwritten contract, their relationship will improve.

“But it’s really the unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each feels the need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom,” Gottman writes. Happy couples, however, just do nice things because they want to. They feel good about their partner and their relationship.

Gottman says that if you’re keeping score over an issue, it’s probably a source of tension in your relationship.

What do you think about these myths?
Do you think they’re still facts?

Can you really ever trust someone again after they’ve cheated on you?

Marilyn said, “He says he doesn’t talk to her anymore. I want to believe him. 

“But I am so suspicious all the time. I hate that about myself. Maybe I should just end it. It hurts to not trust him and he is sick of me asking him all the time if he’s seen her.”

Trusting someone isn’t easy after they’ve betrayed you. You want to believe what they say, but can you really ever know if they are telling the truth, once they have lied to you? The answer may be “Probably not.”

But the good news is: there is a way you can learn to trust again. Just not in the way you think.

Trust is not about wishing and hoping that your partner wont cheat or wont talk to their ex. Trust is about learning to once again trust your own intuition. You probably started to doubt your inner voice once you found out that they lied to you or hid their affair. Now, you are wondering if you can really ever trust your gut instinct about anything again.

Trust is about learning to listen to your own intuition once again. Trust is not about learning to trust your partner. The truth is that they are human and another human can always let you down. Let’s face it, you never really know if anyone is telling you the truth, unless you feel it in your gut.

Only your own intuition tells you the truth. Learning to trust your own instincts is the only and most important way to know if your partner is cheating or being honest about their outside relationships. In order to be in a relationship and always feel safe, you have to learn to trust your inner voice. Your intuition will never lie to you. Once you learn to listen to it, you can always trust your inner voice.

The challenge is learning the difference between your intuitive voice and the sometimes louder voice of fear. Fear and intuition are two different things. Fear tells you what you don’t want to know. Intuition tells you the truth. Intuition is real and always authentic. Your fear can be real sometimes but often, it can be a fantasy or an illusion.

Trust your inner voice and you can learn to get past the affair, and always know if your partner is telling you the truth. Marilyn can trust her intuition about one thing for sure, ”I know that my boyfriend is telling me the truth when he looks me in the eye and tells me he only wants to be with me. I trust my feelings are telling me the truth about that!”

Have confidence in that inner voice. Trust is an inside job.

If you are married, you may have experienced a significant letdown after the wedding festivities were over. In my practice, couples often report that the day after the wedding they get into a big fight, and the honeymoon is suddenly ruined. Some say they never really recover from the blow out. In the rush of getting married, many of us forget to reflect on our internalized messages about marriage. These messages are unseen ‘ghosts’ who say, “I do” along with you.

These ghosts are born from our upbringing. They include family, cultural, and personal experiences that subconsciously tell us what marriage “is” or “isn’t” and what it “can” or “can’t be.” As a therapist, I know these ghosts can cause significant rifts between couples.

There are a broad range of reasons that justify fighting after a wedding. Fighting may be caused by sudden commitment stress  after months of intense planning, money and intimacy fears or even hangovers. I believe there is a hidden reason some of these fights happen that is rarely discussed. This hidden reason comes from the male half of the partnership.

The majority of married men in my practice tell me that marriage is emasculating. That’s right: marriage equals castration.  Instead of actually using the term ”emasculation”, they say things like ”Who am I?” or “Why does she need me?”  .

Without sounding cliché, men want to feel like “Men.” While we do not believe that there is a conspiracy afoot to kill off manhood, there is definitely a deep cultural anxiety that we are not allowed to be Men once married. No, we are not referring to  the stereotypical Cro-Magnon Man. We are talking about the New Millennial Man, but with the ages of old hunter instincts shamefully hidden away.

Emasculation begins with expectations. These are common (and often legitimate) expectations:

• Men are co-providers for the family, and are expected to never complain about it. (Let’s keep this one!)
• Men are a significant part of child rearing duties. (Let’s keep this one!)
• Men listen to what is said. (We are all for it, as long as we get to talk, too!)
• We are your best friend, partner, lover and shrink. (Let’s be realistic, we can’t be EVERYTHING!)
• We are emotionally stunted. (Maybe! Please give us a chance!)

Society and requirements impose many expectations on us. The moment we are married, our ghosts decide to visit and say things like, “Well, you’re married now, you need to bring home the bacon.” The answer we hear is, “She can take care of herself.” “I want to relax!” She will say, “Honey, I’ve had a horrible day at work.” All of a sudden, we force ourselves to transform into problem solvers and jump into action, only to find out she just wants us to listen.

Men no longer have clearly defined roles in marriage. Our testosterone laden brains function differently than estrogen created brains, and we actually crave clarity of roles to help us flourish. Women thrive on collaboration. Men thrive on solving.

I am not preaching that we go back to the stone age. I am suggesting that happier marriages begin with a discussion about what your women’s expectations are from us, and setting up clear, but flexible roles within your little slice of heaven. Make sure to revisit the agreement regularly since our thoughts about marriage change as we grow and age.

Finally, we know women are super competent, and don’t ‘need’ us in the traditional sense but feeling wanted is pretty darn awesome for us, too. Not that we were taught to tell you that. The men in my caseload over the past six years have consistently echoed the desire to feel needed and important. We want to believe that our opinions are relevant and meaningful.

Yes, we still have to work at it, ghosts and all, but it’s a good starting point.

Jon Pease consults with men and couples in the Los Angeles area to help them attain more fulfillment in their relationships. To find out more about his services, click here.

Here are four examples that sprang to mind.

1. My very favorite parenting book (its principles that apply equally to adults) is Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and I also love their book, Siblings Without Rivalry. It has a terrific section about dealing with a child who says, “You love Joe more than me!”

The authors point out that the answer “I love you both equally” isn’t satisfying, because we all crave to be loved uniquely. They tell a story to give an example from the adult context. When a wife turned to her husband and said, “Whom do you love more? Your mother or me?” she didn’t want to hear him say, “I love you both the same.” Instead he said, “My mother is my mother. You’re the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Good answer!

2. A few days before my wedding, I was in high-anxiety mode about all the details and all the opportunities for disaster. (Among other things, I was very preoccupied with the fear that my veil would come off my head during the ceremony. Have you ever heard of this happening?). My mother listened patiently for a while, then observed, “The things that go wrong often make the best memories.” This instantly comforted me.

3. In Piers Anthony’s fantasy novel, A Spell for Chameleon, Bink despairs because he doesn’t know what kind of magic he possesses. To learn the answer, he goes to the Good Magician Humpfrey, who will answer a question in exchange for a year’s servitude. While there, Bink meets a manticora who is almost at the end of its service.

“What question did you bring?” Brink asks.

“I asked whether I have a soul,” the monster said seriously.

…”What did he tell you?”

“That only those who possess souls are concerned about them.”

“But—but then you never needed to ask. You paid a year for nothing.”

“No. I paid a year for everything…A simple yes or no answer would not have satisfied me; it could be a blind guess, or merely the Magician’s off-hand opinion. A detailed technical treatise would merely have obfuscated the matter. Humfrey phrased it in such a way that its truth was self-evident. Now I need never doubt again.”

4. My husband and I were working on a project with several other people. After we all received a certain email, one person meant to forward the group message just to my husband and me, with a critical comment about it. Alas, he made the classic mistake and hit “reply all.” He sent a nice note to the people who might’ve been annoyed, and then sent another note to us to lament what had happened. My husband sent back what seemed to me to be a simple and perfect response: “We’ve all done it.”

When I thought about why I found these answers so deeply satisfying, I realized they shared certain qualities.

First, they acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings. “Don’t be silly” or “It’s all going to be fine” denies that a person is feeling worried. Whether or not they should be worried, they are.

Along the same line, they don’t argue that a person’s concern is unfounded. Hearing “Oh, it doesn’t matter” isn’t very comforting when you’re feeling anxious. These responses put the issue in a helpful perspective.

Importantly, the answers also have the ring of deep truth. A comforting truth is truly comforting, while a flip “Why are you worried about it?” often just makes a person feel worse.

Have you ever heard someone make just the right response? Even better, have you ever felt that you had exactly the right words to offer?

If you haven’t visited Neil Pasricha’s 1000 Awesome Things, check it out. An instant happiness booster.

My next book, Happier at Home, is at the copy-editing stage now—which is both exciting and terrifying. If you’d like to be notified when the book becomes available, sign up here. It’s thrilling to have a new book coming out.