Some narcissists are obviously obnoxious, offensive and obdurate. Others, however, present as attractive, appealing, even amazing individuals. It’s not until you get to spend a lot of time with them that you suddenly realize your moment of truth: “It’s always about them.”

Summon up the courage to tell him (or her) that he’s being self-centered and here’s what to expect. He’ll either continue doing whatever he has been doing (as if you hadn’t said anything at all) or he’ll become irate: “Me? Self-centered? You must be nuts!”

Though all narcissists are not cut from the same cloth, they do have many traits in common. Here are the most prevalent ones.

“I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things.”

Those words were not written by Adam Lanza, but another school shooter, Eric Harris, whose life was also wrought with themes of alienation and social awkwardness. Eric Harris, a Columbine shooter, compiled journal entries that pulsate with narcissistic rage and reveal a tendency to rely upon the psychological strategy of splitting: separating the world into black or white, weak or strong, good or bad, me or them.

Splitting can be seen in certain personality disorders and might also be used by some to justify bullying someone, starting a militia or cult, deciding to home-school a child, maintaining a survivalist mentality or even getting a divorce. Extreme cases of splitting can even contribute to rationalizing suicide or murder.

“To think about the definition of ‘Catfish,’ it’s really anybody that is willing to take a risk, push the envelope, leave their comfort zone.”
~ Nev Shulman

Nev Shulman, a 20-something photographer from New York City, was heartbroken to discover that the girl he was falling for online was actually a disturbed, middle-aged mother who took on the role of several false personas. Catfish, the 2010 documentary that featured Nev’s journey, encouraged others to share stories of their own. “Catfish,” the television show, debuted this past November on MTV; Nev and his filmmaker friend, Max Joseph, travel around the country to help those involved in online relationships meet face-to face.

The catch? They all hope that the person they’ve emotionally invested in is who they say they are.

Spoilers below, so stop reading if you don’t want to know what the series is about.

Courage has very little to do with fearlessness. In fact, courage is all about fear. Courage is acting in the company of fear. It’s feeling fear, and doing it anyway.

Courage “is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk, danger, uncertainty or intimidation,” write authors Nina Lesowitz and Mary Beth Sammons in their book The Courage Companion: How to Live Life with True Power.

Courage isn’t just heroic acts. Courage is many things. And often courage is quiet, spoken in hushed tones, like the well-known and beautiful quote from Mary Anne Rademacher: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

Optimism isn’t rose-colored glasses, unicorns or eyes-and-ears-closed denial. It isn’t merriment every minute of the day, or utter delight on most days. And it isn’t a trait only some of us are blessed with while others are doomed to a deep, undying pessimism.

Optimism actually can be learned. And it actually helps us be more resilient. Optimism helps us bounce back when we’re facing trials and tribulations and stress strikes, writes author Polly Campbell in her book Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People.

Optimism keeps us well. “Doctors, like positive psychology guru Martin Seligman, rank optimism right up in line next to exercise and good nutrition when it comes to good health-building behaviors,” she writes.

Both men and women cheat — regardless of race, age or stature, according to Terri Orbuch, author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. In fact, about 32 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women report being unfaithful, she said.

But when powerful men — most recently CIA Director General David Petraeus — admit to infidelity, we’re often taken aback. (Or maybe some of us aren’t that shocked, after all.)

Petraeus joins a long line of philanderers in prominent positions: Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton and John Edwards, just to name a few.

But regardless of whether you’re surprised to hear these men strayed, the question is the same: Why?

Do you tend to be touchy-feely?  Are you comfortable with a pat on the back, a gentle hold on an elbow or a high-five?

When we touch, how often we touch and how we respond to touch is influenced by a wide variety of factors.  Each culture has varying norms about what is acceptable social touch. Families and social groups within a culture have their own norms. A 2012 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, for example, found that men are more likely to touch women than vice versa.

And each individual has a personality style that may influence their comfort level with touch in social situations.

Social touching (for example, a pat on the shoulder)  is an important part of our interactions with others.  It can be calming, create bonds, express concern and solidarity, reduce anxiety and provide reassurance.

After something stressful has occurred it would be nice if we could leave it behind and move on with our lives.  Sometimes we can.  For example, you might narrowly miss getting sideswiped by another car, feel stressed in the moment, and then shake it off and move on with your day.

But often after we’ve encountered a stressful event, say, an argument with a spouse or an important presentation at work, we continue to ruminate (have repetitive, often negative, thoughts).  These thoughts are not about active problem-solving; they are repeatedly chewing on and worrying over past events.

Why is it that sometimes we can let go of the things that stress us out and at other times, even after the event has passed and we know can’t change it or our response, we continue to be stuck thinking about it?

Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac
Yeah, the boy’s a time bomb.
~ Rancid

Who is James Holmes and why should you care? He’s the 24-year-old guy in Colorado who allegedly shot and killed 12 people in a movie theater more than a month ago, and left 58 wounded.

News media have been desperately trying to piece together information about Mr. Holmes’ life, because he had so little of a digital footprint. And because the neuroscience graduate program he attended at the University of Colorado, Denver has been tight-lipped about his short time there.

So the New York Times did some good old-fashioned reporting, digging into his friends, social life, and even talking to a few of his professors to cobble together a glimpse of the life and personality of James Holmes.

What emerges is a list of traits that — while they could be associated with a mass-murderer — could just as easily be associated with any introspective, quiet person in America. And that’s what makes such arm-chair psychologist profiling especially dangerous.

Background and credentials aren’t the only things to consider when hiring a therapist. There are other key factors to take into account. These factors center on an important piece of the therapeutic puzzle: having a good fit between client and therapist.

“A therapist who is effective and compatible with one person may not be with another person,” according to authors Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D, Lisa Firestone, Ph.D, and Joyce Catlett, MA, in their book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice.

The authors suggest asking yourself these questions during and after your first session:

• Did you feel heard by the therapist?
• Did you feel like the therapist respected you?
• Was the therapist condescending?
• Did the therapist seem like a real person or were they playing a role?
• Was the therapist passive or active in the session? What do you like better?
• Does it seem like the therapist will be open to hearing about all your feelings, including frustrated feelings relating to them?
• Did the therapist have a positive outlook on life?
• Did you feel better or worse after the session?
• Did you feel comfortable with the therapist?
• Does this seem like a safe place to express your thoughts, concerns and feelings?

On the first page of the book “Cutting Loose: An Adult’s Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents,” by Howard Halpern (same guy who wrote “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person”) a good friend wrote: “This was a key book for me in therapy. I really learned how to relate to my family and let go of many unhealthy expectations.”

That was before I told her I was disturbed by a family situation that was triggering some of the anxiety I felt in my childhood.

Halpern writes:

We’re adults. We’ve got all the credentials and scars to show for it. … But a grown-up is supposed to possess himself, to be his own person, to make decisions according to his wishes and his best judgment.

Too often we find that this is not the case with us. Frequently we are so limited by habitual ways of acting and thinking, so needful of the approval of others, and so afraid of their disapproval that we don’t own ourselves at all. We are like a corporation that has gone public, and other people own controlling shares. And for many of us in that position, the biggest shareholders are our parents. [...]

The parent-child relationship is a primary source of who we are, and the mutual emotional attachments are derived from countless interactions, conscious and hidden memories, and profound feelings that go back to our days of oneness with them.

Last week in therapy I began to understand that — the parent corporation thing, and how it plays out in your adult years — with an unexpected clarity. I even named my issue.

I’m passing along the following announcement from a colleague who’s teaching what looks to be an interesting online course about personality factors starting in a week. Even if you’re not a coach (perhaps you’re a therapist, or just a really-interested psychology student of life), you might want to consider it.

Understanding how one stands out with her/his own individual differences is a key ingredient in the coaching process. A detailed personality analysis can be extremely insightful to both client and coach, guiding much of the coaching process. Personality data can help derive personalized coaching goals and identify energy drainers resulting from mismatches with the client’s personality in their life.

This online course is the first to review the free, evidence-based assessments that can be used with coaching clients, measuring a rich set of unique personality traits.