“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

Begin to think about some new channels of growth for yourself, as the time of year for sprouts and buds and new green shoots has begun here in the northern hemisphere.

Seedlings and fresh growth are just busting out now, reaching for the sun’s light and warmth. The approach we take to our challenges, to what has been negatively buried or merely incubating, should be the same. Especially in this time of tremendous new growth, it is good to reflect on our own striving for warmth, insight, nourishment and potential to expand.

So what kinds of questions could you ask yourself to help nurture this growth?

Some questions to think on as your fingers work in soil or you tread paths in spring woods:

• Anything keeping you down, not allowing you to grasp for new means of expanding your life professionally, personally, in relationship?
• Just what are you experiencing that is keeping you from peace and wholeness?
• How did you previously move beyond past limitations, and how have past problems been a force for change in your life?

Upon our reflection, while the earth is engaged in upheaval, the past insight we have gained over challenges and transitions will allow for our own enrichment. And some of the best revelations happen when we allow ourselves not to think directly on problems but instead immerse in other activity. New means of understanding ourselves, our lives, and our world surely will sprout as well. In fact, we as humans are called to grasp for more, reaching ever beyond our boundaries.

Explore a different path in the woods. Take one you are not accustomed to and which evokes a little anxiety, for whatever reason. Go to a new coffee shop and challenge yourself to talk to someone you do not know (at an appropriate time).

Take a course, perhaps one of the novel MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) really coming into fruition now. They are free and offered both by the most prestigious universities or more casual ones. You’d have no excuse of inconvenience or cost as these cater truly to the individual spirit clamoring for knowledge.

What you cultivate literally will lift you up and out into an evolving, perhaps entirely new, way of being.
Channels of growth occur after seeds are planted in anticipation. Not all seeds flower. Some become different looking (or tasting) than they were supposed to. Great surprises happen.

Spring is a great time to ready yourself for what is about to flower. We are not meant to stagnate (though so many of us do, continually or periodically). Think of your own growth and just what channels that might take.

What sort of flower might you grow into?

I have seen enough episodes to ask the question, “Why?”

What draws people to watch faithfully every week or watch every series every week? What satisfaction is had by watching women backstab each other, trash-talk each other behind each other’s backs, steal each other’s men, lie and manipulate others for attention, and flaunt their excessive lifestyles?

In short, what is to be gained by watching women treat each other so poorly?

This type of show seems only to feed the drama and stereotypes often associated with female friendships. Somehow it has become “entertaining” to watch women beat each other up mentally, emotionally, and in some cases physically each week in the “entertainment” boxing ring.

In an effort to learn more about the appeal of the “Real Housewives” antics, I started to wonder if those addicted to the show related in any way because of their own real-life friendships. Do the most loyal fans watch to find out why these women behave the way the do, or do they watch because they can resonate with them or find aspects about the “characters” they relate to or even secretly admire in some cases? Loyal fans have their favorites and in most cases fans seem to be drawn to the most outrageous, vindictive, and despicable woman among the group.

Some fans argue they watch the show because it is like a train wreck that they can’t help but watch. However, the difference between a train wreck and the “Real Housewives” is that unlike a train wreck, which is a horrible accident, the “Real Housewives” is a horribly staged event with the sole intent of setting women up to knock each other down.

So for all of you who Real Housewives fans, I challenge you to take this mini-quiz to see how your real-life friendships stack up to the ones on this widely popular show.

1. Do you spend most of your time with your friends gossiping and judging other friends or people in general? Or do you find the time you spend with your friends is often spent listening to them gossip about and judge other people?
2. Do you gossip about your friends behind their backs rather than talk to them directly about something that’s bothering you or about some ongoing conflict? Or do your friends gossip to you about friends they are having issues with versus talking to that person directly?
3. Do you get defensive if a friend tries to communicate to you their feelings or take it as an insult or criticism? Or do you find that when you try to talk to your friends about something they said or did that upset you, they react in ways that make you feel like you did something wrong and even some cases they stop talking to you?
4. Do your loyalties shift depending on which friend you happen to be with at the moment? Or do you find your friends’ loyalties seem to shift depending on who they are around?
5. Do you find you have very little to say to a friend if you aren’t gossiping about another friend or passing judgment on others in general? Or do you find your friend has very little to say to you other than sharing gossip or criticisms of others?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it may be time to take a closer look at the quality of your friendships, and even how your friends would rate you as a friend. Are these the type of friendships you want to put your energy into, and is this the type of friend you want to be considered as by others?

If you are guilty of any of these “Real Housewives” types of behaviors, it is pretty safe to assume that the ones you are exhibiting this behavior with are doing the exact same thing with the other “housewives” in your group when you are not around.

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you’re drawn to bad boys.

What is it with this attraction? You can’t explain it. You just know you find a certain kind of guy alluring — even when you know (from experience) that the relationship will end badly.

Friends tell you that your new “great guy” is cocky, brash, foolhardy. But you have a different take on it. You view him as sooo masculine, exciting, unconventional — in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. No comparison to other guys. Yes, those other guys are nice, but oh, so boring. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping?

So what is the draw of the bad boy?

What makes them so attractive to many women, even addictive to some?

1. The bad boy is exciting.

   Life is never dull when you’re with him. You’re not quite sure what he’ll do or say next. He makes you laugh. He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.

2. The bad boy is no run-of-the-mill guy.

   He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on. It feels masculine. It feels powerful. It feels like how guys should be. Not wimpy — like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!

3. The bad boy is an enticing mix.

   He’s confident (he knows what he wants). He’s independent (he doesn’t care what others think). He’s a sweet talker (he knows how to get what he wants). He’s mysterious (you still can’t figure him out).

To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring the bad boy seems.

Only one problem — well, more than one, actually:

1. What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?

   He’s still into risky stuff when you’re long past that stage. What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked or just plain out ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Indeed, they seem all too familiar and dim-witted.

2. What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?

   His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him.

3. What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?

   When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behavior that used to excite you becomes behavior that creates anxiety for you?

Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.

You are wonderful, fantastic, downright spectacular. No? You don’t think so?

Every day I hear people put themselves down. They curse themselves for being stupid, a failure, or weak. My answer to them is always the same — sure. But let’s be clear what we’re talking about. You, the totality of you, is not stupid. The whole of you is not a failure. Your entire being is not weak.

Oh, it’s true that you may fail at certain tasks. You may act stupidly, and do dumb things. You may also show weakness in the face of difficulties. But these are things that you do, not who you are.

And by making this simple but important distinction — the things that you do versus who you are — you are taking a big step toward being a happier, healthier you.

The problem of rating the totality of yourself as good or bad, rather than rating your actions, or behaviors, is that you are setting yourself up to be an emotional mess.

When we make the mistake of rating ourselves as good or bad, we feel miserable for not thinking we’re good enough. Or, when we rate ourselves as good, we run the risk of setting ourselves up to feel bad when we fail at something. Either way, we’re in trouble.

Humans cannot be all good or all bad. So rating yourself this way is totally irrational. Learn to let go of this old rating system and you will feel better about yourself.

Today you may screw up that report for your boss. You may forget to wish your wife a happy anniversary, and you may act selfishly and somebody else might feel hurt. But that makes you human, as human as anyone else. For all those things that you do that may not be so great, there will be a million things that you do that are stunning. Yet most of those actions you won’t even recognize, or remember, as they’re automatic.

Yes, you are a flawed human being — but you are also amazing for it, not despite it.

Although I can’t stand spicy food, I dribbled Tabasco sauce over my fajitas and took a bite, eyes immediately watering, mouth burning. I have good reasons to be uptight, I thought, shoveling the spicy food into my mouth.

The past few weeks, life had seemed to be a constant stream of stresses, and I hadn’t handled them well. A new job was giving me a steep learning curve. Rush hour had been brutal. I wasn’t sleeping well. Freelance projects on the side took up all my spare time.

All this had contributed to irritation in my interactions with family and friends, frustration at things I couldn’t change, and super-sensitivity to any perceived failures at work or at home.

Suddenly, the awareness of my super-stress hit me like a mouthful of hot jalapeños. I realized how ridiculous I must sound to my mom. Twenty-two should be a fiesta, a time of exploration and growth. But the stressors I was encountering — typical stressors for adults of any age — were sabotaging my youth, health, and everyday happiness.

April is National Stress Awareness Month. Considering that it’s tax season, we’re a ways off from another calendar holiday, and winter storms where I live have kept our spring season gloomy, it seems fitting.

It’s no news that unceasing high stress has a negative effect upon health. According to WebMD, 40 percent of all adults suffer adverse health effects from stress. As health care professionals promote public awareness about the common causes and symptoms of stress this month, we’d do well to consider the long-term medical effects, too.

Two recent studies agree that negative responses to everyday stress can have a negative effect on your long-term health.

A longitudinal study conducted by researchers at the University of California, Irvine found that reacting negatively to stress from even small events increased the risk of psychological distress and mood disorders among the 700 adults they studied.

Penn State’s study of the effects of stress was even more fascinating. Researchers spoke on the phone with over 2,000 adults for eight nights in a row, asking simple questions about the events of their day and their mood. In both projects, researchers found that people who handled stress badly on a day-to-day basis were more susceptible to ill mental health and chronic diseases later in life.

It seems that the research supports the age-old quip “attitude is everything.” The idea that our long-term health because of our present choices is not new, but it should be a wake-up call to those of us who do not pay attention to how we are reacting to our stress.

Beyond being aware of our stress this month, let’s take one step further and make a plan to react better to it.

Some Tips for De-Stressing Your Life

In honor of National Stress Awareness Month, I’m focusing on changing the things I can and reacting more positively to the things I can’t. Here’s what this will look like in my daily life:

• Stop fueling frustration. When I feel a burst of work-related or personal frustration, I’m not going to waste emotional energy fuming about it. My goal is to think of one thing I can do right now to make the situation better, and do it. Fueling the fire of my irritation will only tie my hands to solve whatever problem I’m facing. This positive, action-oriented reaction will help me keep stress at bay.
• Keep things in perspective by writing them down. Lots of our problems aren’t even worth our stress and can seem especially silly when you actually articulate them. This month I will name my stressors on paper and gauge how worthy they are of distress. I’m willing to bet most of them aren’t worth worrying over.
• Spend time with positive people. I heard on the radio recently that if you are easily prone to stress and discouragement, you should intentionally surround yourself with people who are opposite. I’m going to make time in my busy schedule for quality time with the sunny souls in my life and soak in their positive reactions.

Writer and theologian Charles Swindoll has said “Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.” With recent psychological studies showing the importance of how we react, it’s extremely important to be aware of our reactions and work on reacting more positively.

Some people spend too much time comparing their success to others. They see only the wealth, friends, cars, houses or fame others have. They take those differences and conclude that they are somehow deficient, or a failure for not having the same life as these ‘obviously brilliant’ people.

On one level, observing what other people have gained and wanting to aspire to their success is a very human thing. It can be great motivation — if it’s taken as such. If you see other people doing well, reaching their goals and being rewarded for it, then you might want to ask yourself (or ask them) “What is it I need to do in order to follow a similar path to success?”

Gaining insight and knowledge into how other people chase their goals can be very revealing and helpful. At least it gives you an idea of what you might need to do to follow their lead.

On another level, unrealistically wanting what others have can lead to depression. I often see people fall into depression when they rate everything they do against others. They are destined to observe others doing better, because they are looking for confirmation that they are somehow not good enough.

Realistically, some people will be better at various things than we are. There is always somebody smarter, faster, taller, richer and prettier than we are. But to beat ourselves up for not being the same as them, or achieving the same, is totally irrational. Instead of watching what others are doing and concluding they are doing it better, stop and ask yourself what you are demanding of yourself. Often you’ll be holding an irrational belief such as “I must be as successful as X or I’m a total failure.”

But does that make sense? Why ‘must’ you be as successful? You would be better served by thinking rationally about this, and holding a preference such as, “I would really like to be as successful as X, but it’s not always possible. It also doesn’t mean I’m a failure if I’m not as successful as he is, it just means that I’m human and there are things I can work on to gain success.”

This type of thinking will help you look at your goals and understand how you can work toward achieving them, rather than wasting time wishing that things were different.

You may never be as successful as other people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be as successful as you can be. There will be many things that you do very well, but because they are not massive successes, they’re often discounted. Celebrate all successes, even the smallest ones.

So if you want your grass to be greener, go mow the lawn. Weed it. Feed it. Don’t just watch it grow out of control and wish it was better. There’s no garden fairy that’ll do the work for you — it’s all down to you. Go change. Go do it.

They may be careless and capricious or outright reckless. They “forget” about appointments. They’re chronically late. They neglect to plan ahead. They’re financially irresponsible. They don’t take care of their stuff. They make rash decisions that get them into trouble. They ignore deadlines. They act as though others should bail them out of whatever trouble they get into.

We all know people like this. And they’re not all adolescents. It could be a friend, a family member or a colleague. We may love them yet we experience them as terribly frustrating. We want to shake them. Yell at them. Knock some sense into their brains. But none of this seems to make a difference to them. They shrug it all off.

Why? Because they have Responsibility Deficit Disorder (RDD), a much-needed diagnostic category that I have just created.

RDD is prevalent in our society and is a growing problem. Those who have it do not “suffer” from it. Quite the contrary. The people who “suffer” are those loved ones who must deal with the rat’s nest that is so often dropped in their laps.

If all this sounds familiar to you, here’s what you must do to save your own sanity.

• Be direct with them.

  Don’t mince words. Not all irresponsible people realize the chaos that they are causing. Be specific about how their actions (or lack of actions) create havoc for you. They may blow you off, or accuse you of nitpicking, or of being judgmental. Think about their responses. They may have a point. But if you know, with your head and your heart, that their irresponsible behavior is what’s causing the difficulty, trust your own judgment.

• Know what you will do the next time you feel dumped on.

  Irresponsible people tend to be irresponsible. Duh! That’s obvious. But sometimes you forget, especially if you’re an incurable optimist. So, make sure that you know what you will do and what you won’t do the next time an RDD person leaves his mess (literally or metaphorically) for you to deal with. Though it may be tough for you, stick to your guns — even if you are called all kinds of reprehensible names.

• Know where your power lies.

  Reflect on where your power lies with this particular person. If you’ve been cleaning up his mess, don’t. Let him suffer the consequences. If you’ve been enabling her behavior by bailing her out – once again, don’t. Sure, you may feel guilty that you are no longer doing what you used to do. But that’s how you change the game. It’s much harder for people to be irresponsible when nobody steps in to make it all OK.

• Make them an offer they can’t refuse.

  Hey, it works for the Mafia. Why not for you? If the person really wants what is in your power to give, use it. I don’t mean that you continue to enable his irresponsible behavior. I mean you offer him a bribe (or reward) if and when he changes his behavior.

• Sidestep the problem by being less involved with your RDD person.

  It may make you feel bad if you are an inclusive person and you begin to exclude. You don’t ask her to go on vacation with you because you don’t trust that she won’t bail out at the last minute. You don’t go out to dinner with him if he will expect you to pick up the bill once again. Excluding is a preemptive survival mechanism. Use it when it feels appropriate.

• Unfortunately, change begins with you.

  Why should you have to change? It’s the RDD person who should change. You don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing. You simply want the other person to be more responsible. Great fantasy! Terrible reality! Dream on that the other person will change. He’s got it good – especially if you’re enabling his dysfunction. Why should he change if you’re always there to rescue him? So, as much as you dislike it, know that the change process begins with you.

In a nutshell, under this scheme, people fall into one of four categories: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, or Obliger, depending on how they respond to external rules and internal rules.

Upholders respond to both inner and outer rules; Questioners question all rules, but can follow rules they endorse (effectively making all rules into inner rules); Rebels resist all rules; Obligers respond to outer rules but not to inner rules. To read more, go here.

I’m still refining this idea, and I’d be very interested to hear people’s thoughts on my further analysis.

One important question is: what is the main desire or motivation driving the people in the four categories? Here’s what I currently believe. Does it ring true to you?

Upholders wake up and think, “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?” They’re very motivated by execution, getting things accomplished. They really don’t like making mistakes, getting blamed,  or failing to follow through (including doing so to themselves).

Questioners wake up and think, “What needs to get done today?” They’re very motivated by seeing good reasons for a particular course of action. They really don’t like spending time and effort on activities they don’t agree with.

Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They’re very motivated by a sense of freedom, of self-determination. (I used to think that Rebels were energizing by flouting rules, but I now I suspect that that’s a by-product of their desire to determine their own course of action. Though they do seem to enjoy flouting rules.) They really don’t like being told what to do.

Obligers wake up and think, “What must I do today?” They’re very motivated by accountability. They really don’t like being reprimanded or letting others down.

Understanding this is important, because if you want to motivate yourself (or someone else) to do something, it’s key to know how a person will consider and act upon that request or order.

What do you think? Also, what should I call this category of personality typing? I haven’t been able to think of a good name. “The Four Categories of Rules Acceptance” isn’t very catchy.

Do you have a life list or bucket list? Check out Go Mighty to make it happen. One of my favorite goals: “Have a beehive.”

What does this have to do with mental health?

Well, it’s interesting listening to sports analysts talking about this as a ‘dirty play’ and debating whether Jones is a ‘dirty player.’ Similarly, people often begin to depress themselves by rating their whole self negatively for making mistakes in their lives.

This self-rating doesn’t make any sense, and is totally illogical. What these TV reports do, though, is reinforce the idea that if we do something wrong, our whole being is now judged as wrong. And because this type of reporting is on so many TV channels, repeated over and over again, it is easy to understand why we, as people, have bought into this illogical nonsense of self-rating.

It’s easy to depress ourselves if we keep telling ourselves over and over, day after day, that we are ‘not good enough’ or ‘a failure.’ These statements about ourselves usually come from an irrational belief that our behavior was bad and therefore, we are bad. We fall into the totality-rating trap with our irrational thinking — usually something like “I must not make a mistake, or I’m a worthless failure.”

Once we create such a belief, it becomes a part of our blueprint for living, and it’s from then on accessed automatically when we do anything we deem as a mistake. But what makes this irrational belief so destructive is that it sits quietly in the background, waiting to pounce when we make the slightest of mistakes.

So think about that. Every time you make a mistake, this hidden belief comes flying out of nowhere and smashes you in the face. You then just follow your automatic thinking and beat yourself up for not being good enough, or a failure.

How many things can one person conclude they get wrong in a day? One? Two? With that kind of belief it’s more like hundreds, even thousands! Soon enough, you’re destined to make a mistake, and down, down, down your mood will go, as you constantly activate this irrational belief.

To beat depression, we need to understand that one mistake doesn’t define us. We need to change our irrational belief and become more realistic and rational. We need to learn to accept ourselves and our humanity and be robust enough to know that we cannot be perfect and please everybody.

We also need to learn to be responsible for our mistakes, and to stand up and admit when we do something wrong, while being strong enough to accept we may be criticized for those mistakes.

I’m sure Dahntay Jones knew what he was doing, and maybe he did make a mistake (intentional or not), but the fact still remains: the whole of him cannot be a ‘dirty player.’ It means he’s a player that can make plays that are good, bad, dirty, fantastic, and everything that falls in between.

That’s one of the questions Randy Pausch, famous deceased Carnegie Mellon professor, asked in his presentation “The Last Lecture.” It went viral, landing him on Oprah and a host of other afternoon and late-night shows.

I loved every other part of his lecture but that.

Because I think the world needs its share of Eeyores: solemn, stoic, realistic, pensive creatures. And I don’t think I’m saying that because I unapologetically claim to be an Eeyore.

I mean, imagine a world of hyperactive, happy Tiggers. How long can you stay with that image before you want to throw something at the striped orange guy?

I, for one, wouldn’t want to share a cube with perky Tigger always asking you what your plans are for lunch, and if you’ve scheduled anything fun for the weekend. I prefer the Eeyore who sips her coffee quietly, taking the morning in before sending any thoughts out into the universe.

The Eeyores of the world are realistic, sensible, and sweet. They tether the dreams of Tiggers to realistic standards so that they can be achieved and sustained. These guys are usually the sensitive folks who, having picked up on nuances in their environments, can usually intuit opportunity or danger. They can offer guidance and insights that come with being the kind of reflective persons they are. Their rich inner life pays off.

Other reasons we need Eeyores:

1. They are less judgmental.

Anyone who has been through the hell of an Eeyore knows to leave all judgment aside. The Eeyore has been told everything from “get your butt off the couch and stop crying” to “if you eat organic grains and go to yoga you wouldn’t feel anxious” and knows how insensitive words can hinder any movement toward recovery. The Eeyore, then, is extremely careful with what he says to folks, healthy and sick, and because of that, he earns the trust of his family, friends, and co-workers.

2. They are more compassionate.

Depression does more than shrink and destroy nerve cells in a brain. It also expands a heart. So the Eeyore catches the woman tearing up in the back corner of a conference room. She can’t help but tune into her intuition, reading a heavy sadness in the room. The Eeyore will go over to her and hug her or take her hand. She is no longer bashful of doing this, because she has been that lady, sitting there crying in a public room on countless occasions.

3. They are emotionally aware.

Eeyores are more aware of their inner emotional states, which can translate into technical or business innovation or can lead to profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists. Eeyores are usually highly sensitive, which means they process layers and layers of meanings, which can complement the risk takers in an organization.

So, now that we’ve identified an undeniable need for Eeyores in the world, what about the others?

Christopher Robin (the boy): Schizophrenia
Piglet: General Anxiety
Pooh: Eating Disorder/Low Self-Esteem
Rabbit: OCD
Owl: Dyslexia (my favorite)

Do they really represent mental disorders?

Illustration by http://rufiojones.files.wordpress.com

While researchers and psychologists have found many answers — to socialize with others (e.g., form relationships, provide and receive social support, and build collaborations), to gain a sense of achievement (e.g., acquire status, power, or domination over others), or to immerse themselves into a world outside the ordinary — there’s not a lot of consistency in how motives are measured in gaming research.

This means it’s really hard for researchers to compare their data with other scientists’ data in the same field, making broad generalizations about video games and gaming difficult to come by.

Enter a new exploratory study by Graham & Gosling (2013) to help shed some light on the problem.

Given researchers’ past inconsistency, this new study “sought to build on previous research by examining the degree to which game-playing motivations (e.g., socialization, achievement, and immersion) are associated with personality traits in the most popular MMORPG, [World of Warcraft, also known as WoW].”

Not surprising, the study’s subjects were mostly young adult men. About 1,413 (166 women) WoW players participated in this study (mean age=26.04, SD=7.50). On average, participants played WoW nearly 24 hours per week and had played for nearly 20 months at the time of sampling.

Subjects in the study completed two psychological measures — a personality assessment, the 44-item Big Five Inventory, and a 20-item Motivations for Play in Online Games scale developed by previous researcher Yee.

So what did they find?

People high in different personality traits tended to play for different reasons.

As expected, individuals motivated to play WoW for the purpose of socialization tended to be high on extraversion. Additionally, individual’s playing WoW to socialize were relatively high on agreeableness, neuroticism, and openness, but low in conscientiousness. Approximately 10% of the variance in social motivations was accounted for by the Big Five.

Contrary to our hypothesis, achievement motivation was negatively related to conscientiousness. Achievement motivation of WoW players was also negatively related to agreeableness and openness, but positively to extraversion and neuroticism. Approximately 5% of the variance in achievement motivation was accounted for by the Big Five traits.

As expected, individuals playing WoW for immersive motives were relatively high in openness. Those motivated to immerse themselves in the game were also relatively high on neuroticism and agreeableness, but lower on extraversion and conscientiousness. Approximately 10% of the variance in immersion motives was accounted for by Big Five traits.

WoW gamers motivated to play for leadership purposes tended to be extraverted, conscientious, and open, and lower in agreeableness and neuroticism. Approximately 15% of the variance in leadership motivation was accounted for by the Big Five.

Individuals with motives of independence tended to be low in extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism, but high in openness. Approximately 3% of the variance in independence motivation was accounted for by the Big Five.

What’s this mean? The researchers explain:

As increasing numbers of people engage in virtual environments on a daily basis, it becomes more important to understand who is spending time in these spaces and why. Individuals select and manipulate their daily environments in the offline world to suit their needs, so it is reasonable to assume that they also do so in the online world.

There are numerous kinds of virtual environments (e.g., social networking sites, blogs, and games) in which individuals spend large amounts of time, each with its own set of goals, possibilities, and norms. Therefore, it is important to examine patterns of findings at a domain-specific level. We focused on WoW because of the high number of individuals interacting in the game.

The present findings demonstrate that individuals not only have different motivations for interacting in WoW, but that their personality traits are associated with those motivations.

Surprised? I’m not really… it seems logical that we’re motivated to engage in the online world in different environments — and use different forms of entertainment, even — based upon our personality, our social skills, and our interpersonal needs. But this research demonstrates this relationship, and that the relationship is based at least in part on our personality.

Reference

Graham, L.T. & Gosling, S.D. (2013). Personality Profiles Associated with Different Motivations for Playing World of Warcraft. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 16, 189-193. doi:10.1089/cyber.2012.0090.

It may seem like there’s no problem if your parents have become better people. Just count your blessings and get on with life! But it’s not always that simple.

Mike grumbles, “I can’t believe my father wants to be so involved with my kids. When I was growing up, he barely gave me the time of day. “Shut up! Do your homework! Listen to your mother!” That was pretty much the extent of our relationship. And now, he wants to take my son to school, coach his games, take him on a trip. Who is this new person? And how come I got the short end of the stick?”

Kim gripes, “My mother was always on my case. I had to dress right, speak right, eat right and live right. Otherwise, what would people think? Now, when I berate my daughter for not acting properly, my mother comes to her defense, telling me that I’m too hard on her. It makes me furious. She was 10 times harder on me than I am on my daughter. What’s going on here?”

People change and forget to tell each other. And when those people are your parents, it can be totally disorienting.

When those rigid, hard-nosed parents who raised you now exist only in your memory, it may make you wonder about your sanity. Did you misconstrue your whole childhood experience? Are you distorting the facts? What happened?

Though some people’s negative traits harden with age, others, like fine wine, mellow. Your parents may have become wiser and kinder over time. At this point in their lives, they may feel less stressed, less nervous about careers, less fired up about what’s “right” and more focused on enjoying life.

It’s not that simple, however, for you.

When your son thinks your dad is the greatest guy, do you tell him what a lousy father he was to you? And if you do, would he even believe you?

If your daughter and mother gang up against you, claiming that you’re the one who’s too uptight, do you keep your mouth shut or spit out what you’re really thinking?

It’s easy to stew with resentment. However, a better choice is to take the opportunity to open up a dialogue with your parents.

Tell them how pleased you are that they are enjoying their grandchildren. Then, share with them the differences you notice in how they parented then and what they do now.

Seek to create understanding, not blame. Cry with them about the hurts you experienced. Laugh with them about the joyous memories. And know that it’s not only younger people who change as they mature. It’s older people as well.

Being an HSP in a big, boisterous city can feel utterly unbearable. That’s because HSPs have a hard time screening out stimuli. Specifically, the problem lies in artificial stimulation, according to Ted Zeff, Ph.D, a psychologist and author of three books on HSPs, including The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide and his newest book Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy.

All sights, sounds and smells aren’t created equal. Compare a big city’s bright lights, big crowds, honking horns, pollution and bumper-to-bumper traffic with a smaller town’s hiking trails, chirping birds, ocean waves and scents of freshly cut grass.

It’s very hard to function when grating stimuli assault your senses, and you’re in a constant state of overwhelm. One of Zeff’s students told him that at times she felt like she was “walking around with no skin, like a sponge absorbing everything that comes her way.” Over time, this can affect your emotional and physical health, such as spiking your blood pressure, Zeff said.

Below are Zeff’s suggestions for leading a more satisfying life when you’re surrounded by a cacophony of sounds and other big-city stress.

1. Evaluate your reasons for staying in the city. If you really can’t tolerate where you’re living, consider “What am I doing here?” Zeff said. And consider places where you might feel more peace, he said.

At first it might seem like you don’t have a choice over leaving the city. For instance, you might be in a rent-controlled building – every renter’s dream. But you also might have horrible neighbors and live on an extremely noisy street.

Sometimes we’re so used to living in a bad situation, we can’t even conceive of something better, he said. If so, dig deeper, and ask yourself, “Why am I abusing myself this way?”

2. Use devices that help you tune out noise. Try earplugs and white noise machines, Zeff said. “HSPs in big cities are exposed to all sorts of people’s energy when they are outside, so it’s important to listen to an iPod when walking in crowds or when commuting in a bus or subway.” You can even purchase a construction worker’s headset to drown out the clamor. (Zeff wears one on flights.)

3. Create a sanctuary in your home. Create a space where you can withdraw from the hustle and bustle. For instance, buy heavy curtains to block out the light, and play calming music, Zeff said.

4. Retreat regularly. It’s essential to have retreats during the week to shut out the artificial stimulation and find inner peace, Zeff said. Try a yoga studio, take a nap, read a book or enjoy a bath with soothing scents like lavender, he said. “Go away for the weekend to somewhere calming.”

5. Unplug. “Disconnect for at least one hour a day from everything electronic, especially before bed,” Zeff said. This includes the TV, computer and phone.

6. Avoid peak times. “Plan ahead so you minimize the most intense parts of city life,” Zeff said. Go out when the city is less crowded or noisy. For instance, avoid seeing films on opening night, visit museums on weekdays or early mornings and eat at popular restaurants earlier or later in the day. Zeff, who lives in California, rarely travels during rush hour.

7. Bring calm to your workspace. Listen to calming music while you work, Zeff said. Bring nature inside by keeping plants on your desk and pictures of soothing surroundings like the ocean, he said. Ask your boss if you can work from home a few days a week. If your job is especially stressful, evaluate if that’s really healthy for you, and consider your options, he said.

8. Try meditations and visualization. Zeff suggested the below grounding meditations when you’re in a large crowd. Record these meditations, and listen to them until you can recite them from memory, he said.

Centering Meditation

Once you have completed a few minutes of slow, deep breathing, imagine a green cord that is attached to the base of your spine…clearly observe the green cord…the cord is slowly moving from your spine toward the floor… imagine two more green cords that are attached to the soles of your feet…now visualize all three green cords meeting at the Earth’s surface and forming one large green cord…

Observe the large green cord as gravity pulls the thick rope deeper toward the center of the Earth…the cable is now traveling through layers and layers of solid rock… deeper and deeper…you can clearly see the cord traveling as it plummets toward the center of the Earth… 

Finally, the green cord arrives at the very center of the Earth…the rope anchors itself to the Earth’s center and you begin to slowly inhale calm, centered and stable energy from the Earth’s core. …visualize the energy slowly rising toward the Earth’s surface with each inhalation…

The energy easily ascends towards the ground level…observe the grounding energy arrive at the Earth’s surface… the powerful energy ascends through the floor and into the soles of your feet. …you feel the energy rising up your legs…you feel solid and centered like a rock…

Now feel the Earth’s energy enter the base of your spine… the serene, grounded energy feels so soothing…feel the Earth energy slowly travel up your spine through your lower back…mid back….upper back….neck….all the way to the top of your head…

You feel centered, calm and strong as this core energy circulates throughout your entire being… filling every cell of your body…breathe in the Earth’s energy for a few moments. ..you are calm, centered and happy …you are calm, centered and happy… you are calm centered and happy.

White Light Meditation

 Once you have completed a few minutes of slow deep breathing…visualize a crystal-clear white light encircling your body …notice how the shimmering light encompasses every inch of your skin…observe clearly how strong the shield is… imagine negative energy bouncing off the impenetrable armor and ricocheting back to its source… you are safe and protected…you are safe and protected…you are safe and protected…

Living in a big city as an HSP can be especially overwhelming. Some HSPs might realize they’re better off living on the outskirts of a city, while others might find that the above modifications do the trick.

Big city photo available from Shutterstock.

While those areas certainly require attention, if we want to have lasting change, it’s our emotional health which needs to be explored. The challenge is that sometimes we become stuck emotionally — we seem to be treading water with our emotions instead of feeling them fully.

What can you do? Here are 8 ideas for how to become more emotionally unstuck in your life that I hope may help.

1. Sit down with yourself in a quiet place, without distractions.

Schedule the time on your calendar if you have to and keep it sacred. You want to start developing your inner voice. Then you have to listen to it, so that it will be directive and get you “unstuck” as you begin to identify what is going on inside yourself. You will find what is needed for healing and recovery. If you use these tools, you will learn to self-regulate and stay healthy on this journey of life.

2. Ask yourself what emotions possibly are under the surface.

You may not be conscious of them, but they should be uncovered after you have identified the primary emotions. For example, anger tends to mask the deeper emotions of fear or pain. Get as deep as possible. If you can’t come up with too many, observe yourself that week and then sit down again at the end of the week for another exploration session.<

3. Once you have identified the emotion, ask yourself again if you have really identified the root or are still on the surface.

If you feel depressed, see if there is also frustration or sadness to go with it. Be diligent in uncovering as many emotions as possible, as aerating a large field. You want all the emotions to be churned out of the earth so that fresh air can get to them.

4. You should have many emotions named at this point.

They are just sitting there on top of that open field. If you have the feeling of nakedness or exposure at this stage, that is normal. You have just dug up your dirt! Good for you — now you are on your way to planting seeds of change.

5. Take one emotion at a time and ponder it alone.

See if you can identify what is causing you to feel this way. This is not a time to settle on a quick answer; the earth has opened up and you need to look at the root of the plants that have surfaced. Sit there with the pain that some of the emotions will conjure up. Understand that you will be OK even though you feel pain. You are doing this in order to get free. The process is anything but easy.

6. If you need a break, save the other emotions for another quiet session.

Only take on what you can handle at a time. Identifying root causes will usually bring up new emotions, so understand this is also normal and that you are actually getting closer to healing once this happens.At this point, do not share any of your journey with anyone who is “unsafe,” only someone who can be trusted not to judge you. What you don’t want is someone to put a guilt trip on you while you are processing your feelings. You need to be very protective of yourself and possibly choose to isolate during this time until there is some marked healing.

7.Whether it’s taken two sessions or two months, you are seeing the root causes now.

You have identified that possibly there are changes that need to be made in some life area so that you don’t experience pain, sadness, frustration or whatever else was uncovered. This is the time to be brave! You want to use affirmations and make bold decisions. If you are allowing yourself to be in an abusive relationship, which can be emotional or physical, this is the time to break out. It will seem selfish at first but it is the ultimate unselfish act toward yourself.

8. Start to see yourself as one who can overcome obstacles and make changes to nourish your well-being.

If there is resistance in the other person with whom you’ve set a boundary, just explain that you are doing something necessary to your health and you are no longer defined by expectation.

Live the victorious life! Do not make excuses for taking time out for yourself or not wanting to do what others desire of you in only meeting their needs. You will be able to meet others’ needs once you’ve taken ample time to nourish yourself. Feel freedom and healing from having broken out from under the patterns that were so destructive and become the most beautiful self which you can attain!