“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

Maybe they’re being secretive and have even stolen money from your wallet. Maybe their physical appearance has changed with rapid weight loss or red eyes. Maybe you’ve noticed a change in their sleep habits, energy level and mood. Maybe you’ve actually found marijuana or other drugs in their room.

Naturally, the thought and possible confirmation of your child using drugs trigger a rush and range of emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, fear.

If you think your child is using drugs, how do you approach them? Where do you start?

Two parenting experts shared their insight below.

1. Be direct and calm.

“This issue is too serious for subtlety,” said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. He suggested readers approach their kids “directly and immediately.”

Avoid letting your anger and frustration spill over into the conversation. According to Lisa Kaplin, Psy.D, a psychologist and life coach who teaches parenting classes, “The best way to approach your child is with delicacy, not drama. If you approach them with panic, anger, aggression or accusations, you can be sure your child will tell you absolutely nothing.”

Yelling, threatening and lecturing your child typically leads them to withdraw, sneak around and lie, she said.

Duffy also suggested approaching your child “from an emotional space of genuine concern for well-being.” He understands that being calm and centered is a lot to ask of parents. “But it is, without a doubt, the approach that works best in my experience.”

It’s common for kids to deny their drug use, or to respond casually (e.g.,” It’s just pot, and I don’t smoke it that often, anyway”). If this happens, “give a brief response in which you tell them that you do not want them to use drugs of any kind,” Kaplin said. Reiterate your house rules about drugs and alcohol use and “the consequences that come with that behavior.”

2. Talk when your child is lucid.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation when your child is drunk or high, Duffy said. “This might seem like common sense, but I have worked with many parents who have attempted to lecture an inebriated teenager.”

3. Ask open-ended questions.

It’s more likely that your child will be honest, and talk about their drug use if you ask open-ended questions. According to Kaplin, these are several examples: “Can you tell me more about that?  How did you feel in that situation? What will you do if that happens again? How can I help you with this?”

If your child admits to using drugs, again, “ask them with open-ended, non-judgmental questions about what drugs they have used, how often, and if they plan on using again.” You also can ask “for their input on how to proceed.”

4. Don’t punish your child.

Avoid punishing your kids, Duffy said. It rarely works. For instance, “Taking a cell phone away will never keep a drug user away from using.”

5. Show your support.

If your child reveals their drug use, “Thank [them] for being honest with you,” Kaplin said. Let them know that you’re “here to help them. Tell them you love them.”

6. Get your child treatment.

It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.

Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”

Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.

Even if your child is over 18 years old, Duffy suggested having a similar conversation. While you can’t force your older child to attend therapy, you can leverage other things, such as your financial position, he said.

It’s also important to get clear on your limits, communicate them to your adult child and follow through, Kaplin said. For instance, “can your child still live with you if they’re using drugs? If not, when must they leave and will you help them with treatment or other living arrangements?”

Knowing your child is possibly using drugs is stressful, scary and painful. And it can be incredibly hard to have a calm conversation. If you feel yourself losing control, take a break, and return when you’ve cooled off. Whether your child admits to using drugs or not, having them see a qualified therapist is critical.

Further Reading

Here’s more on symptoms of teen substance abuse, what parents can do, and reasons your child might use drugs and how to help them.

With social media a major part of teens’ lives, it’s important they have a healthy relationship with the Internet. What does this look like?

According to Udall-Weiner, it resembles any healthy relationship: It has boundaries.

It also shouldn’t have to meet all their needs, including emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual, she said. For instance, sites like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest should never replace face-to-face interactions, she said. Instead, they should supplement them. That’s because online interactions lack the emotional depth and support of real-time relationships. “…[I]t’s hard to know whether someone is trustworthy, loyal, and invested in your well-being.”

The Internet also lets people keep a comfortable distance from others. Udall-Weiner cited MIT professor Sherry Turkle, who believes the Internet provides “the illusion of companionship, without the demands of friendship,” and “people are comforted by being in touch with a lot of people, whom they also keep at bay.”

Fortunately, parents can teach their kids to use the Internet in healthy ways. Below, Udall-Weiner shared five strategies.

What Parents Can Do

In Udall-Weiner’s experience, parents approach Internet use with extremes: “they either prohibit it, or they pretend it doesn’t exist, since they’re quite terrified to find out what their child is really doing online.” Instead, she suggested communicating with your kids and teaching them to be more aware of how they use the Internet.

1. Talk to your teen about their time online.

Talking to your kids about how they use social media and technology helps them break out of autopilot and become more mindful of their actions and reactions, Udall-Weiner said. “[This] is an important skill when it comes to developing emotional competence.” It’s important for teens to understand how being online affects them (such as their mood).

She suggested asking your kids these questions: “Which websites do you often visit?  How do you feel emotionally, both during and after using these sites? Have you ever had any uncomfortable experiences online, or seen anything upsetting? Do you believe that there are any downsides to viewing the sites you regularly visit, or to using the Internet in general?”

2. Teach your teen to be media literate.

A mistake parents often make, according to Udall-Weiner, is that they don’t teach their kids about media literacy. But it’s vital for kids to understand that what they see isn’t what they get online. For instance, “Parents need to actively remind their children that images are not reality—that no one is as thin, perfectly-muscled, unwrinkled, or flawless as that person in the ad.” She suggested visiting Media Smarts for more information.

3. Set time limits on Internet use.

Teens are still developing their executive functions, which include monitoring behavior, organizing information and setting goals, she said. Plus, spending too much time on sites like Facebook can make teens feel worse. “My clients regularly tell me that they become very upset after looking at Facebook, since everyone looks happier, thinner, or more popular than they feel.” So parents might need to set restrictions on Internet use.

4. Surrender all phones before bedtime.

“This is a way to ensure that kids aren’t up late texting or surfing the web, rather than getting precious sleep,” Udall-Weiner said. This rule also applies to parents’ phones, “since kids emulate what they see.”

5. Know the research about Internet use.

Research has suggested that looking at images of thin models — which are splashed all over the Internet — may be associated with various negative consequences. “After seeing these images, people report things like decreased self-esteem, poor body image, depression, guilt, shame, stress, and an urge to engage in eating-disordered behavior, such as restricting food intake,” said Udall-Weiner. She also specializes in body image and eating disorders and founded ED Educate, a website with resources for parents.

Research also has suggested that the Internet makes us feel more disconnected from others, she said. “It’s important for teens to know the research on Internet use.” Talk to your kids about these findings.

Udall-Weiner shares more information and tips on supervising your child’s Internet use in this video.

“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

Tomorrow, April 25th, is the 20th anniversary of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day that encourages parents to do exactly that. Started in 1993 as a “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” it was originally intended to show girls opportunities that had been closed off to women and to inspire young girls to see themselves as having the potential to reach whatever professional dreams they had. By 2003, it was expanded to include our sons as it was understood that the boys, too, needed to have the experience of seeing what their parents did for work.

Many companies now have incorporated this annual event into the company culture. Employers see involvement in the day as a way to support their workers in balancing work with family life and to invest in the workforce of the future.

One special day a year, parents are invited to bring their children to work to sit at desks, follow their parents around the office or plant or store, and maybe have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria. The kids get to see where their parents spend their day and to meet some of their colleagues. Most important, they get to see up close what their parents’ work involves.

It’s an opportunity for parents and others in the workplace to show kids that education pays off and to talk to them about what it takes for someone to reach their potential and to be successful. Further, it provides a way for parents and adult mentors to talk to children about how work supports the family and how it is an integral part of adult life.

Those of us who work in human services can’t let our kids shadow our day due to very real concerns about confidentiality and privacy for our clients. But we can still celebrate the day by engaging our children in conversation about our work and perhaps by describing in general terms what a typical day looks like. When clients aren’t scheduled, we can still bring our children to the office to see what it looks like, let them sit in our chairs and perhaps meet our support staff. My younger daughter told me recently that it made her feel very grown up the day she came to my office when she was 10 and talked to me seriously about my journey to become a therapist.

Whatever we do for a living, Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day provides a reason to sit down with our kids and demystify our work life.

My children are grown now. They too now go off to work, talk to people and do stuff and get tired. Like their dad and me, they also know the rewards of doing something they are passionate about that supports themselves and their families. I hope when their children are old enough to participate,Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day will continue to be celebrated to help them empower their children also to reach for their professional dreams.

But do you know what else kids need parents for? Want to guess? Whatever you’re thinking is probably true, but I doubt it’s the answer I’m thinking of.

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom.

What?! That sounds like heresy in a freedom-loving culture.

Shouldn’t we all have freedom to follow our desires? To do what we want? To venture down the road we find most appealing? Isn’t that what our social movements (civil rights, women’s movement, gay liberation) have been about? Remove the restrictions! We want the freedom to indulge in our inclinations!

So why not kids? Why shouldn’t kids participate fully in the freedom movement? And, especially during the teen years, why shouldn’t parents capitulate to their kids’ desires?

Here’s why: To live in a world with few external restrictions, you need to have the ability to say “no” to your momentary impulses and passions. And kids (except for the most conscientious kids) do not have that ability.

Left to their own devices, how many kids do you know who will choose to eat a healthy meal over devouring dessert for dinner? How many do you know who would choose to do homework rather than indulge in video games? How many do you know who would voluntarily say “it’s time for me to go to sleep”?

The dream of “freedom from” works only if you know how to handle the “freedom to” part. You may think you’re really lucky if you have total freedom. But if you’re unable to create a viable balance between freedom and restraint, you’re not lucky at all. Witness all the grossly obese people, the crazy-in-debt people, the chronically sleep-deprived people, the addicted people. And these are adults who should have more control over their impulses than kids.

So what happens when kids are free to do as they please? Do you think their nobler instincts typically triumph over their baser ones? If so, you are a dreamer. For most kids have no idea how to handle an excess of freedom, even though they’re demanding it.

It’s natural for kids to lobby for fewer restrictions. And it’s natural for parents to ease up on restraints as kids get older. But if parents make a wholesale capitulation to endless and insistent demands for more freedom, the results typically are appalling.

Here’s the end result when kids get to run the household: They eat only what they want to eat. They watch an inordinate amount of TV. They play an endless amount of video games. They go to sleep when they damn well please. They cuss out their parents. They don’t take care of their things. They demand that their parents buy them whatever they want. They have no frustration tolerance. Their wants become their needs. Their needs must be met. Their needs supersede everyone else’s.

And that’s just a description of pre-adolescent behavior. Once adolescence hits, teens without restraints command the household, defining their most outrageous activity as acceptable because it could always be worse:

“I can’t get up today; I’m too tired. I’m not going to school. Get out of my room and leave me alone!”

“I’m having a keg party this weekend. I don’t care if I’m underage. You know it’s better if I drink at home than to be out on the street drinking.”

“Yes, I’m hooking up with a lot of girls. That’s good. You always told me not to get serious with any one girl ’til I’m older.”

“It’s only pot. I could be using heroin or cocaine like lots of other kids.”

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom, to narrow their choices and to put pressure on them to meet their obligations. Kids may not appreciate all this restraint. But they need it. And parents need to step up to the plate and provide it, even when it’s so much easier to just give in to the incessant complaining and demanding.

But 11 years after the first insomniac was born, I’m still exhausted, as I am convinced he emerged from my womb with no need of sleep, and then his sister two years later with the same curse. I’m not sure how it happened, being that I’ve always needed eight hours of sleep to stay sane.

The last two months there has been a lot of cussing in our house after 8 p.m., when we begin the rituals. In desperation I headed to my shelf of expert advice to see if any nuggets in there would apply, or at least not nauseate me. I came away empty-handed. Great intentions. Perfect principles. Wise stuff. Just not going to work on my rebels, who defy traditional rules and procedures.

So I’m back to threatening. However, threatening, itself, can be complicated, and deserves its own guidelines.

Here are my two cents on how to threaten effectively. These are not principles that will foster healthy sleep habits. They will merely get you a few days of sleep if you are like me, in the state of emergency. Experts aren’t big on Band-aids. I am.

1. Prep the threat.

My fundamental mistake in releasing a threat is not being totally prepared. In an impatient huff, I might blurt out something stupid like, “If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to … going to … going to …,” brainstorming about which option is best, at which point my two devious offspring start laughing. The result is that they do not take future threats seriously, and I have lost all negotiating power (which effective parents don’t need because they don’t have to negotiate with their kids) because I didn’t think through the bribe before opening my trap in a premature fit.

2. Specify the threat.

Threats should be like legal documents. Hell, you could get out a piece of paper with all the specifications written down and, instead of them pinky-swearing, you could get a signature. The more detailed the better because kids who don’t sleep tend to be smart and manipulative. So when I take away the family iPad from my daughter, she finds a computer in the house and starts surfing YouTube or making videos of herself. When we take that away, she grabs one of our iPhones and downloads an app where she can try out new hairstyles on stick-skinny chicks. If she can’t find those, she’ll steal her brother’s iPod and start uploading photos to his Instagram. I should have stipulated that ALL electronics are banned, that she has to do something really radical like read a book or use pencil and paper and draw.

3. Time the threat.

Just as important as the content of the threat is the delivery: in particular, when you deliver the threat. I’ve found that when my insomniacs are overly tired and irrational they can’t hear a word I say, even if I’m yelling. Therefore, it’s best to wait until breakfast, when I will say very calmly that they have lost electronics for the day or until they learn how to calm themselves down and go to bed without making visits to our room or to a sibling’s room in the middle of the night, sleepwalking, singing Macklemore’s song lyrics, “I’m gonna pop some tags,” or perfecting Anna Kendrick’s cup act in “Pitch Perfect.”

Threatening is not easy. So hopefully these guidelines assist you in reaching for a wide Band-aid and a few nights’ sleep before you have to come up with an entirely different set of new threats. Good luck!

Some people believe that humiliation is a good teacher. You gotta learn. You must not forget. You will be punished if you don’t do it right. Humiliation will make a lesson stick.

These folks are right — humiliation is a good teacher.

But the lesson you learn is not what the teacher is intending. You don’t learn to do things better. You don’t learn to upgrade your skills. You don’t learn to trust your ability to learn.

What you do learn, instead, is to:

• Embrace rigidity. “I can’t do this. No way. No how.”

• Play it safe. “I’ll just make a fool of myself so I’m sticking to the tried and true.”
• Shirk responsibility. “It’s too hard for me; you have to do it for me.”
• Develop a fixed perspective. “I’ve never been any good at this and I never will be.”

Yes, humiliation throws cold water on the joy of learning and shuts down the joy of risk-taking. Indeed, a single dose of humiliation in a vulnerable child can lead to a belief that “I can’t do it,” while a regular dose of humiliation will profoundly cripple a child’s belief in himself and in his ability to learn. “I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m no good. And don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

If you’ve been exposed to the debilitating effects of humiliation, it’s time to rectify the damage that has been done. Here’s what you must do:

• Know that there’s nothing immutable about what you know and don’t know. All you can honestly say is that you don’t know how to do something yet. Put the time and effort into it, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.

• A mistake is not a felony. And it’s certainly not deserving of capital punishment. The most you can say is, it’s a misdemeanor or an oops! Just an error. Something that slipped your mind. Something you forgot because you were distracted. Next time you make a mistake, don’t agonize over it. Instead, acknowledge it. Fix it (if you can). Learn from it. Move on to your next challenge.
• Keep stretching. Keep reaching. Keep learning. Make new mistakes; it means your mind is active. You have not given up on yourself. You are not content to live within a comfort zone the size of a postage stamp. No, that’s not for you. It’s a big wide world out there, with lots of things to learn. You want to be a part of the world. Not apart from the world.
• No matter how much you learn, how much you know, there will be stuff you don’t know. This is not proof of your stupidity. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply life. We cannot know it all.
• When you don’t know what to do, improvise. That’s what everybody else is doing (whether they admit it or not). Make it up on the spot. Sometimes it will work out well. Sometimes it won’t. That’s the nature of life.
• When something intrigues you, go for it. Don’t tell yourself “I’m no good at this.” Take up the challenge. Put in the hard work. Ask for assistance. Tolerate the discomfort. And watch yourself bloom.

Whatever humiliating experiences you have had in the past, do not let them continue to define you today. Right now, this moment, this very moment, before you put this article down, say something that gives homage to who you are and what you’re about. If whatever you say brings a smile to your face or warmth to your inner being, you know you’ve chosen the right words.

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

Take this all-too-familiar scenario: Mary’s third marriage is coming to an end. She’s depressed and angry at herself for ‘ruining’ another marriage. She tells me that the same thing happened in the last two marriages, which proves that she’s a useless person and terrible wife.

For one, she’s incorrect because she’s globally rating herself as useless, and that’s irrational. Second, she’s taking all the blame, another thinking error. It doesn’t take much questioning to find out that her mother left her father when she was 3 years old, and her father told Mary that her mother left because of her. It was all her fault!

Really? It doesn’t take a genius to see how utterly crazy and untruthful that comment is. Yet, because Mary was told this by a significant authority figure, and was too young to cognitively question the irrationality of that statement, she internalized it. The lie became her truth. It was because of her that her mother left. End of story.

This type of internalized irrational belief can be devastating to a child’s life and growth. Just imagine: You’re 3 years old and you have the power to push a grown woman away from her husband and family. You somehow make it impossible for two adults to support each other. You make it impossible for them to manage a small child. You even have the power to prevent them from asking for help from others, if they so need it. Wow! That’s power.

Now imagine taking that belief into every relationship you go into. As soon as it looks like the other person might be moving away from you, that familiar, irrational belief kicks in. “They absolutely must not leave me. I can’t bear it if they leave me, because it means nobody will ever love me again.”

You’ll probably react one of three ways:

1. Desperately hold on. Beg and promise to do anything the other person wants as long as they stay.
2. Withdraw and let them leave because you know it’s inevitable
3. Go look for a carving knife, because you’re not letting them leave – ever.

None of those solutions will work in the long run. To move on, somebody like Mary needs to understand that her thinking is at error here. The irrational belief she’s cultivated since she was a child is what drives her in all her relationships. It’s unhealthy and destructive.

To change this behavior pattern, she’ll need to uncover that old belief, and figure out a new, healthy way to think. Once she’s done that, and practiced the new rational belief over and over, the next time she starts a relationship she’ll be on stronger footing. It probably will give her an opportunity to make better, informed decisions about her future relationships.

It’s all too easy for a lie to be taken as truth, but it still doesn’t mean it’s true.

There aren’t many jobs we sign up for in life where the stakes are as high as they are in parenting. We are suddenly required to be on call 24/7 without prior training, schooling, or mentoring. No matter how many books we have read, or how many children we have spent time with, we enter this job mostly ignorant of what it entails. Living outside of parenting and observing it is unfathomably different than living inside of it.

In our culture we like to “know” what we are doing. We read books, we do research, we seek control over our lives in myriad ways.

Good parenting, however, requires “don’t-know mind.” It is a letting go of preconceived ideas and a letting go of the notion that we have control over how things are.

While we might want to enter parenting with our answers in place, how can we know the answers before we have been “in” the experience? Parenting is a moment-to-moment dynamic relationship that involves environmental and situational variables as well as the child’s and parent’s ideas, thoughts, sensations and feelings.

As author Laura Davis put it:

As much as we might like to enter parenthood with all our answers, techniques, and strategies in place, doing so would mean building a system that fails to include the input of our children. Our ability to stay open, adaptable, and responsive necessitates that we don’t start with all the answers but that we dedicate ourselves to figuring them out along the way. (p. 27)

When we come from a place of certainty, we are not receptive to what stands outside of our preconceived ideas. If we enter parenting with a rigid stance about how things should be, we not only leave out the variable of who our children are and who they are becoming, but we cloud our ability to allow our children and our experience to be our teachers.

In human development, stasis means something has gone awry. It is an undesirable state. Growth and development can be derailed both by certainty and by the anxiety that can accompany doubt. Don’t be certain, don’t be in doubt? Then what guidelines should we follow? Here is where the teaching of “don’t-know mind” can be particularly useful. As the Buddhist teacher Suzuki Roshi said:

“Not-knowing does not mean you don’t know.” Not-knowing means not being limited by what we know, holding what we know lightly so that we are ready for it to be different. Maybe things are this way. But maybe they are not. (Quoted by Gil Fronsdale)

And as Fronsdale put it:

“The practice of not-knowing needs to be distinguished from confusion and debilitating doubt. Confusion is not a virtue: the confused person is somewhat lost and removed from life. With doubt, the mind is agitated or contracted with hesitation and indecision. These mind states tend to obscure rather than clarify.”

Fronsdale adds that while doubt and uncertainty are involuntary states, “don’t-know mind” is a conscious practice in which: “(We)…cultivate an ability to meet life without preconceived ideas, interpretations, or judgments.”

The wish to know is a natural human tendency. Having a path in mind is helpful since it highlights when we have veered away from the things that are most important to us. But holding our beliefs lightly, being willing to sit with the discomfort of not knowing may be equally important.

Babies seek to learn and grow even in the absence of our “stimulating” them. They learn from experience and are constantly experimenting with different ways of making sense of the world. Perhaps our challenge is to be more childlike ourselves, letting each new moment be different from the last, full of surprise, wonder, and sometimes fogginess.

Try these exercises to help you with don’t-know mind:

1. Notice thoughts of certainty as they arise and see if you can soften the edges. Try to remain open to the possibility of things being different and allowing your beliefs to shift.
2. Spend a few minutes observing a baby, witnessing their receptivity and openness to learning and growth.

References

Davis, L. (1997). Becoming the Parent You Want To Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years.

Fronsdal, G. Not-Knowing – Adapted from a public talk February 2004

It’s especially helpful if you’re raising a child who’s under 5. As Neff writes, “Raising infants and toddlers, with their constant need for supervision, picky food habits, tantrums, not to mention dirty diapers, has to be one of the most challenging jobs around.”

In Self-Compassion, Neff shares the work of Australian psychologist Rebecca Coleman, Ph.D. Coleman has developed a parenting program called Mindful Awareness Parenting (MAP). It teaches parents mindfulness and self-compassion skills and helps them make good decisions in tough situations.

Neff explains that MAP also teaches parents to empathize with their kids, and help them nurture their kids’ needs.

Specifically, in order to respond to your child’s needs, it’s important to be fully present — body and mind. This helps you build a secure attachment, the best kind of connection you can have with your child. According to Coleman on her website:

“Children learn about themselves by the way we communicate with them. For children between birth and five years this is mostly non-verbal, so they need to see our eyes & face which mirror that they are worthy of our kind attention, love & delight. Our loving presence enables our children to experience being protected and understood which builds their confidence and trust in life. Fifty years of research supports the long-term benefits of having a secure attachment relationship with Parents and Caregivers. Secure attachment is formed when we sensitively and consistently respond to our child’s relationship needs with strength and kindness (‘tuned in’ or ‘attuned’). When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future (in ‘automatic pilot’), we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children do not need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. This includes needing to be welcomed by us when frightened or supported to explore their environment when curious (attachment & exploration needs).”

Mindfulness and self-compassion also help to repair your relationship when you inevitably make mistakes. Coleman writes:

“Being a Mindful Parent means having intention in our actions so we can purposefully choose our behaviour with our child’s emotional & social well-being in mind. Parental self-compassion helps our children to learn that perfection is not the goal and rewards are not just for perfect jobs. Repairing relationship disconnections is the key to being a ‘Good Enough’ Parent, which basically means making mistakes with our children and knowing how to fix them. With mindfulness & self-compassion we can repair relationship disconnections with our children, which is a crucial aspect of developing secure attachment relationships with our children.
”

Helping Your Child Express His or Her Feelings

When their kids have an outburst, many parents give them a “time-out.” Neff, however, suggests giving your kids a “time-in.” In her book she includes a helpful exercise based on Coleman’s MAP protocol. It aims to help your child process “big feelings,” such as a tantrum or crying.

When kids misbehave, sometimes it’s because they’re seeking support and connection, Neff explains. This exercise helps you connect to your child and teaches them to express their emotions healthfully.

According to Neff, this exercise “allows your child’s feelings to ‘be felt’ and accepted. It shows your child that you are willing to help him and that your love means you will be welcoming and accepting of his emotions – even difficult ones.”

Neff gives the following suggestions for creating a “time-in”:

• First, make sure you’re calm yourself. This way, you can truly tend to your child’s needs. If you’re not, tell your child that you’ll need 10 seconds to calm down.
• Have a specific spot for “time-in,” like a chair or cushion you can move throughout the house. Both you and your child will sit there.
• Invite your child to come to this spot. “If he is emotionally out of control and presents a danger to others, he may need help getting there.”
• Keep your tone “firm, reassuring and kind.” Be sensitive and sympathetic. Try to be present, in the moment.
• Observe your child closely and try to figure out the feelings and meaning beneath their behavior.
• Help your child describe their feelings when they’re finally relatively calm. Neff suggests saying something like: “You look like you’re struggling with this …” or “This looks hard for you; are you angry/afraid/sad?”
• Wait for your answer, and listen intently. “Acknowledge and accept the answer (or lack thereof).”
• Share your own feelings, using sentences such as “When you did _______, I felt _______ (emotion) arising in me.” Try to convey your feelings in a straightforward but non-blaming way.
• When your child is calm, help them find another activity to do, or continue with your plans, such as eating dinner or going to bed.

Learn more about Kristin Neff and her work here. Also, for information on parenting and mindfulness, check out our popular Psych Central blog Mindful Parenting.

It may seem like there’s no problem if your parents have become better people. Just count your blessings and get on with life! But it’s not always that simple.

Mike grumbles, “I can’t believe my father wants to be so involved with my kids. When I was growing up, he barely gave me the time of day. “Shut up! Do your homework! Listen to your mother!” That was pretty much the extent of our relationship. And now, he wants to take my son to school, coach his games, take him on a trip. Who is this new person? And how come I got the short end of the stick?”

Kim gripes, “My mother was always on my case. I had to dress right, speak right, eat right and live right. Otherwise, what would people think? Now, when I berate my daughter for not acting properly, my mother comes to her defense, telling me that I’m too hard on her. It makes me furious. She was 10 times harder on me than I am on my daughter. What’s going on here?”

People change and forget to tell each other. And when those people are your parents, it can be totally disorienting.

When those rigid, hard-nosed parents who raised you now exist only in your memory, it may make you wonder about your sanity. Did you misconstrue your whole childhood experience? Are you distorting the facts? What happened?

Though some people’s negative traits harden with age, others, like fine wine, mellow. Your parents may have become wiser and kinder over time. At this point in their lives, they may feel less stressed, less nervous about careers, less fired up about what’s “right” and more focused on enjoying life.

It’s not that simple, however, for you.

When your son thinks your dad is the greatest guy, do you tell him what a lousy father he was to you? And if you do, would he even believe you?

If your daughter and mother gang up against you, claiming that you’re the one who’s too uptight, do you keep your mouth shut or spit out what you’re really thinking?

It’s easy to stew with resentment. However, a better choice is to take the opportunity to open up a dialogue with your parents.

Tell them how pleased you are that they are enjoying their grandchildren. Then, share with them the differences you notice in how they parented then and what they do now.

Seek to create understanding, not blame. Cry with them about the hurts you experienced. Laugh with them about the joyous memories. And know that it’s not only younger people who change as they mature. It’s older people as well.

There are two kinds of overreactions: external and internal. External overreactions are visible responses that others can see (for example, lashing out in anger, throwing your hands up and walking away from a situation).  Internal overreactions are emotional responses that remain inside of you that others may or may not be aware of.  Examples of internal overreactions are replaying a situation over and over in your head, wondering if you said the right thing, or overanalyzing a comment made by a friend or loved one.

In her book Stop Overreacting: Effective Strategies for Calming Your Emotions, author Dr. Judith P. Siegel suggests asking yourself the following questions to assess whether you have a problem with overreacting.

Do you often:

• Regret things you say in the heat of emotion?
• Lash out at loved ones?
• Have to apologize to others for your actions or words?
• Feel surprised at your seemingly uncontrollable reactions?
• Assume the worst about people and situations?
• Withdraw when things get emotionally overwhelming?

If you answered “yes” to the questions above you may may struggle with overreaction.

Here are 5 suggestions to help you stop overreacting:

1. Don’t neglect the basics. Lack of sleep, going too long without food or water, lack of recreation and play can leave your mind and body vulnerable to exaggerated responses.  For many of us (myself included), it’s easy to let our own basic self-care take a back seat to the noble cause of taking care of others. Ironically, it is your loved ones who are most likely to end up on the receiving end of your emotional overreactions. Prioritizing your own self-care will help minimize overreactions.

2. Tune in and name it. A stiff neck, pit in stomach, pounding heart, tense muscles can all be signs that you’re in danger of overreacting, of being hijacked by intense emotions. Becoming more aware of physical cues actually helps you to stay ahead of, and in control of your response. Naming your feeling activates both sides of your brain allowing you to reflect on your situation instead of just reacting to it.

   Recently, my teen daughter was expressing some intense hurt feelings about our relationship. While she was talking, I noticed a hot feeling rising in my stomach, and defensive thoughts. Tuning in to my own body allowed me to slow down my own response so I could hear what she was saying and to respond calmly.

3. Put a positive spin on it. Once you’ve identified and named the sensations in your body, you can intervene in your thoughts. When we have intense emotions it’s easy to go to a worst-case scenario as an explanation for whatever you’re reacting to (e.g., “they’ve never liked me” or “she always criticizes me.”)  Watch for all-or-nothing words like “always” and “never” as clues that you’re heading toward a worst-case scenario.

   If someone offends you, consider the possibility that the insult is not about you. Maybe the neighbor who snapped at you was just given a pay cut at work and is feeling discouraged, or the person who cut you off in traffic is rushing to the hospital to see the birth of his first child. Make up a backstory that makes sense and puts a positive spin on whatever is triggering your emotional response.

4. Breathe before responding. When you feel like flying off the handle, take a deep breath. Deep breathing slows down your fight or flight response and allows you to calm your nervous system and choose a more thoughtful and productive response. Try taking a deep breath next time someone cuts you off in traffic. In my recent Facebook poll, overreacting while driving was the most commonly cited scenario for overreacting. Just imagine if all drivers took a breath before responding, making hand gestures, or yelling obscenities. The world would be a kinder place.
5. Identify and resolve emotional “leftovers.” Notice patterns in your overreactions. If you find yourself repeatedly revisiting an intense emotional or behavior response, there is likely a historical component that needs to be addressed.  In my therapy practice, I worked with a beautiful, smart woman who often became tearful and depressed when she heard about friends getting together without her. She felt extremely insecure and rejected.  Her heightened sensitivity to being excluded by other women in her neighborhood, even though she had many friends and was usually included in social gatherings, was fueled by emotional leftovers in her past. She felt emotionally abandoned by her parents and ostracized by peers when she was young, which heightened her sensitivity to rejection as an adult. Through therapy she was able to heal the earlier relationship wounds, allowing her to respond in a more balanced way to present social situations.

Remember, not all intense responses are overreactions. In some instances, a quick and extreme response is necessary to protect ourselves or our loved ones. I recall a time years ago when my oldest child was a toddler riding his trike down the street. He was riding ahead of me because I was pregnant and a lot slower than usual. I noticed a car slowly backing out of a driveway as my son was riding toward the driveway. I found myself sprinting toward the car, screaming at the top of my lungs with arms flailing frantically, trying to get the driver’s attention and avoid a horrible tragedy. Luckily, the driver noticed me and stopped her car just short of my son and his bike. My exaggerated response was necessary to save his life and was not an overreaction.

(c) Can Stock Photo

When you ask your child to forgive — to say “okay” when someone has said they are “sorry” — does your child really understand what that means? Did they let go of the issue or are they repeating what you are telling them to say?

It is important for children to understand compassion, loving-kindness, and forgiveness. Teaching your child to forgive is an essential life tool that will make navigating childhood and adolescence easier. Holding on to anger and resentment is a recipe for anxiety and depression for children and adults. The earlier forgiveness is taught, the earlier you can prevent children from taking on the victim role. That in turn helps prevent anxiety and depression.

So how do you teach forgiveness?

7 Ideas on Teaching Children Forgiveness

While there’s no sure-fire way to teach your child forgiveness, some of these ideas may help get you started.

1. Forgiving is not forgetting.

   Children — and many adults hesitate to forgive because they believe it means condoning the other person’s behaviors. There is also a misperception that forgiving means forgetting, which might bring on fear it will happen again.In reality, to forgive is to say,” I did not like or appreciate your words or actions, but I am willing to let it go because it does not help me to hold onto these feelings.”

2. In order to forgive sometimes we need to look beyond the action and explore the person.

   For example, if your child is upset Susie called him or her a name during recess, help your child explore what was happening. Maybe Susie was on the outskirts of the hop-scotch game and wanted to play. Maybe she felt bad she was not invited to play or was jealous of those who were. Helping your child understand a possible trigger for the person’s actions encourages compassion and forgiveness.

3. Before asking your child to let go, forgive, or excuse a behavior, it is first important to identify the feeling your child is experiencing.

   Is he or she angry, embarrassed, or disappointed? He or she needs to understand how the incident made him or her feel before he or she can forgive.

4. State the feeling before offering forgiveness.

   Instead of asking your child to immediately accept their sibling’s “I’m sorry,” have them state how they feel. For example, “Jenny, I am angry you borrowed my shirt without asking. Please ask me before taking my things next time. I forgive you.”

5. Once the feelings are understood, visualization can help your child let go of any harbored feelings.

   Hand your child a pretend balloon. Ask him or her to think about the feelings he or she stated — anger, sadness, embarrassment. Then ask him or her to blow all of those feelings into the pretend balloon. Tell him or her that the balloon is tied to him or her by an imaginary string. When he or she is ready to let go of the feelings, hand over pretend scissors to cut the string and release the feelings. Help your child imagine the balloon sailing high into the sky. When ready, imagine that the balloon gently pops, spreading a dusting of love and compassion to both parties. Remind your child it might take more than once and they can practice the visualization as much as they would like.

6. Write a letter.

   This is a helpful exercise, particularly for teens. Practice writing a letter stating what caused the upset and how he or she feels about it. Then have your child write a compassion statement or one of forgiveness to the offender and to him- or herself. End the exercise by having him or her rip the letter up into the garbage, signifying the release of forgiveness.

7. Be the example.

   Show your child how you forgive others.

It is important for children to understand that learning to let go may take time. The important lesson is to keep trying, making efforts, understanding forgiveness and loving kindness. Anger plus anger only equals more anger. Compassion and love are what heals.

These are the messages we get about masculinity in our society. We get these messages from a variety of sources, including TV, film and computer and video games. And they come from a variety of people in our lives, including peers, parents and coaches, according to Ted Zeff, Ph.D, a psychologist and author of Raise An Emotionally Healthy Boy: Save Your Son From The Violent Boy Culture and The Strong Sensitive Boy: Help Your Son Become a Happy, Confident Man.

But these are false messages. And they can be detrimental, he said. Men are less likely to seek medical help. Repressing emotions can lead to health problems such as ulcers, high blood pressure and heart attacks, Zeff said.

It also sabotages relationships. As he said, “How can you have a good relationship if you’re emotionally repressed?  How can you have a good relationship with your children if you can’t be open, compassionate, loving and express yourself?”

Zeff encourages parents, caregivers, coaches, relatives and mentors to stop perpetuating myths about manhood and start raising emotionally healthy, compassionate boys.

An emotionally healthy person is “someone who’s in touch with their inner self and expresses their full range of emotions, including sadness, fear and love,” he said. They have empathy toward others.

Emotionally healthy isn’t synonymous with powerless or pushover. It means being assertive, instead of aggressive, and setting limits.

Zeff provided 10 pointers for raising an emotionally healthy, compassionate and confident boy.

1. Explore your own beliefs and upbringing. Many men were raised on the old-fashioned belief that strength lies in stoicism. Consider if you’re perpetuating this myth, and what you can do to change it, Zeff said. To learn more, he suggested reading books such as William Pollack’s Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood.

2. Make your home a safe space to express emotions. Give your son unconditional love and support, and never shame him for expressing his feelings, Zeff said. “When you blow it, tell him.” When you’ve made a parenting mistake, be honest with your child.

Because school can pressure boys into repressing their emotions, knowing they can safely express their feelings at home is even more important, he said.

3. Monitor your son’s exposure to violence. It’s hard raising a compassionate boy amid a cruel and violent culture. Monitor the media your child is consuming, including TV and the Internet. Let him play positive, nonviolent games, such as Guitar Hero, Zeff said.

4. Maintain a dialogue. “As boys get older, it’s harder to monitor their exposure [to the media], but we can always talk about it,” Zeff said. Talk to them about the images they see and the lyrics they hear. For instance, he said, you might ask, “What do these lyrics mean?” and “How will that affect you?”

5. Expose your son to positive things and real heroes. Expose him to other cultures and faiths, which fosters connection and avoids the us versus them mentality, Zeff said. “Watch movies and read books that show great spiritual male heroes, everyone from Christ to Moses to the Buddha.” Help them cultivate an appreciation for classical and other positive types of music.

If your son loves sports, tell him about real heroes. In Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy, Zeff features examples like tennis pro Arthur Ashe, who worked against apartheid in South Africa; football player Pat Tillman, who left his sports career to enlist in the U.S. Army; and baseball player Lyman Bostock, who donated his one-month salary to charity after only hitting .150.

6. Involve your son in compassionate acts. Take your son to volunteer, Zeff said. Work on helpful projects together. For instance, fathers and sons can work on a carpentry project to fix up a neighbor’s house, he said.

7. Avoid interrogating your son. “It takes boys a little longer sometimes to respond to questions,” Zeff said. So avoid putting your son on the spot. Instead, “be open and available. When they do want to come to you, listen to them, rather than lecture.”

8. Encourage your son’s input. “If you’re making rules, encourage your son to come up with input about family rules,” Zeff said. For instance, you can have family meetings. This shows your kids that you’re listening to them and taking their thoughts into consideration, he said. It also makes them “more willing to come to you when something difficult is happening in their life.”

9. Avoid criticizing your spouse in front of your son. If you’re divorced, it’s crucial for mom to avoid belittling dad in front of their son, Zeff said.  Instead, “point out his good qualities.” Sons typically view their fathers as role models. Your son might develop a negative self-image and start emulating the part of dad you’re criticizing, he said.

10. Teach your son to set limits. Again, being emotionally healthy doesn’t mean letting others walk all over you. Teach your son to be assertive, stand up for righteous behavior, and not tolerate disrespectful behavior from others, Zeff said.

He includes this example in Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy: “That guy in your class has no right to laugh at you for being short. He just said that because he’s insecure and tried to put you down to make himself feel important. Let’s figure out some ways to deal with that type of behavior.” Parents can role-play with their kids and have them take a self-defense course.

It’s tough raising an emotionally healthy, respectful and compassionate son in a cruel culture that glorifies violence. But by listening to your son, showing him unconditional love and support and giving him permission to express all his feelings, you can help him transcend the distorted and damaging view of manhood.