So how do you resolve well? This is trickier than it sounds.

Samuel Johnson, a patron saint of my happiness projects, was a chronic resolution-maker and resolution-breaker. He alluded to the importance of making the right resolutions in a prayer he wrote in 1764, when he was fifty-five years old.

“I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions, for JESUS CHRIST’S sake.”

Sound familiar? How often have you thought something along these lines, yourself? The fact that a genius like Dr. Johnson wrote this is very comforting to me.

So, how do you resolve aright, and keep your resolutions? Ask yourself these questions…

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?”

It might mean more of something good — more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad — less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right — more time spent volunteering, a move. Or maybe you need to get an atmosphere of growth in your life by learning something new, helping someone, or fixing something that isn’t working properly.¹

2. Ask: “What concrete action would bring change?”

People often make abstract resolutions. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” “Enjoy now,” are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. “Distract myself with fun music when I feel gloomy,” “Watch at least one movie each week,” “Buy a plant for my desk” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?”

Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” (even from themselves) or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that dance class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Along those lines, my sister told me, “I don’t want a negative. I tell myself, ‘I’m freeing myself from French fries,’ not ‘I’m giving up French fries.’”

Or maybe you respond well to “no.” I actually do better with “no” resolutions; this may be related to the abstainer/moderator split. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something, or to do something I don’t really want to do — such as Don’t expect gold stars. There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature. ²

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough?”

Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don’t resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch. The humble resolution you actually follow is more helpful than the ambitious resolution you abandon. Lower the bar!

5. Ask: “How will I hold myself accountable?”

Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions — think AA and Weight Watchers. There are many ways to hold yourself accountable; for example, I keep my Resolutions Chart (if you’d like to see my chart, for inspiration, email me). Or you might want to join or launch a Happiness Project group, for people doing happiness projects together. Accountability is why #2 is so important. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

If you want to make 2013 a happier year, probably the best place to start is by working on your relationships; strong relationships are key to a happier life. If you’re intrigued, consider joining the 21 Day Relationship Challenge. Every day, for 21 days, I’ll suggest a resolution. (And don’t worry: nothing that takes a lot of time, energy, or money! Many are fun!)

Have you found any strategies or questions that have helped you successfully keep resolutions in the past? What resolutions did you make?

1. These questions relate to the First Splendid Truth.
2. That’s the Fifth Splendid Truth.

But what if you put away the resolutions and just consider different ideas to help you live a better life. Not just this year, but throughout the year, any time. Here are eight such ideas.

1. Get an annual mental checkup.

What? What’s that? You go for a physical checkup. You get your eyes checked. Your teeth cleaned. Your auto inspected. Well, then, why are you leaving out the most precious part of you: your mind?

No, you’re not crazy. But your mind may not be in tip-top shape. How about fine-tuning your emotional responses? Refining your decision-making skills? Upgrading your communication skills? Enriching your relationships? A checkup every January can jump-start your New Year so that you reap the benefits all the rest of the months.

2. “Get it!”

What’s “it?” What are you supposed to “get?” A better body? A hotshot car? A shopping spree at the mall? Yes, you can “get” all of those things. But if that’s all you “get” — a gnawing emptiness will haunt you at the most unexpected times.

So think about what it is you need to “get” this New Year that’s deeper and more meaningful. Then, take the action you need to take to make it happen.

3. Appreciate how good things really are.

Sure, you’ve had tough times this year. But unless this is the absolute worst possible year of your life, give yourself the gift of appreciation. Zooming in on all the things that didn’t work out well means you’ve skipped right past what did work out well. Too bad. Reverse that direction!

4. Change your mind.

About what? You decide. But make sure it’s something significant. Why should you change your mind? Because if you don’t, you stay stuck in your ways. What’s the matter with that? Aren’t there some things that should remain the same? Yes. But in most areas, social to scientific, people-oriented to tech-oriented, knowledge evolves. Don’t spin your resistance to change into a laudable trait. If there’s one thing you owe yourself, it’s honesty.

5. Fail.

Fail??? Isn’t that something we’re all trying to avoid? Isn’t success what we should all be aiming for? Nothing wrong with success, but unless you’ve had your fair share of failure, you haven’t stepped outside your comfort zone. So, step out! This year, get involved in something that you are absolutely no good at. See what it’s like to attempt that activity. Feel humbled. Then appreciate your decision to try something difficult. That’s the way people grow.

6. Know when enough is enough.

No matter what you’re doing, there’s a time to end it. Maybe you have trouble making an important decision. Mull it over. Obtain additional information. Consult people you respect. But don’t get stuck in the paralysis of analysis syndrome. Eventually, it’s time to make a decision. Maybe you’ve been arguing with a family member. After a certain point, does it matter who’s right, who’s wrong? Say what you have to say. Then, let go and agree to disagree. Enough is enough.

7. Be enthusiastic.

Young kids are enthusiastic about almost everything while adults tend to let their enthusiasm wane. After awhile, it just all seems to be hard work. Don’t let that happen to you. Get enthusiastic! About what? That’s your job to discover. Once you do, fun will re-enter your life. Imagine bubbling over with excitement about something you learned, something you did, something you read. Make it happen this New Year.

8. Fill in the blank.

I’ve provided you with seven exceptional ways to begin 2013. You create the eighth. I’d love to hear what it is!

Happy man photo available from Shutterstock

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key to happiness–probably the key to happiness–is strong relationships with other people, so while I didn’t set out to write a “relationship” book, I’m happy to hear that the book is helping people so much in that area.

We all want a loving, attentive, and engaged atmosphere in our home. And warm relationships will do more than anything to make our home a happy place.

For that reason, in honor of the New Year, I’ve organized a 21 Day Relationship Challenge.

Here’s how it will work. Every morning, for three weeks, you’ll get an  email with a resolution for you to try at home, as a way to strengthen your bonds with others. They’re some of my favorites from Happier at Home, plus a few longtime stalwarts.

In just twenty-one days, you really can take many small steps–without spending much time, energy, or money–to deepen your relationships.

In addition to the emails, each day I’ll post here so we’ll have the opportunity to exchange ideas and experiences with others doing the Challenge. We can all learn from each other, so I hope you join the discussion.

Join the Challenge here. Learn more about it here.

The Challenge officially starts on Monday, January 14 (part of the zest of New Year’s resolution, but with a slight delay so the dust can settle after the holidays). But you can join any time, even long after the start date has passed.

Here’s a short video

Relationships are just one aspect of Happier at Home; it also examines other aspects of “home” such as possessions, time, body, and neighborhood. And it goes deeper into the subject of relationships than we can do in the 21 Day Challenge. But I hope this exercise will be FUN as well as challenging, and helpful.

Join in! A great way to start 2013.

However, it is possible to rejoin joy, according to professor and psychologist Gerald Young, Ph.D. It is possible to keep returning to joy even after experiencing something difficult. It is possible, he said, to get on a path that leads to joy.

And creating that path is something all of us can work on. “In our efforts to rejoin joy, we can be the source of much of our change process,” Young said. And those changes can be anything from being a more sensitive partner to working harder to switching jobs to becoming more compassionate overall, he said.

Below, Young offered several suggestions on creating positive change in 2013.

Evaluate your current path.

When surveying your life and the direction you’re heading, Young suggested considering: What do I like? What don’t I like? Then consider “How can I work on what I don’t like?” he said. Then break your answers down into daily or weekly actions.

For instance, you might decide that you’d like to be more present in your life, so you start taking walks and focusing on the nature around you.

Look for behavioral cues and triggers.

If you’d like to change specific habits, analyze your actions, Young said. Pay attention to what precipitates your behavior. This can give you concrete clues into what you need to modify.

For instance, what places, people or thoughts seem to trigger your behavior? What solutions can you create to avoid or eliminate these triggers or minimize their influence?

Work on ways to reduce stress.

Young underscored the importance of reducing stress in helping you rejoin joy. Engaging in stress-soothing strategies, such as breathing exercises, helps you think more clearly, shift to a positive and more realistic perspective, and problem-solve, he said.

As he said, “Stress might bring you down, solutions bring you up.” (Here’s a variety of ways to reduce stress.)

Focus on positive habits.

According to Young, “It’s easier to develop a positive habit instead of stopping a negative habit.” So he encouraged readers to adopt positive habits instead of trying to eliminate negative ones. For instance, instead of saying that you won’t pick up another drink, find a healthy replacement habit, he said. Instead of rehashing an old argument with your partner, work on new ways to communicate, he said.

As Young writes in his book Rejoining Joy, “We need to remind ourselves that there are positive choices that we can make in most any situation, that we have made positive choices before in other situations, and that we can continue making positive choices no matter what happens along our path.”

Joyful woman photo available from Shutterstock

Many aim to follow through with resolutions, asserting certain goals that call for improvement in the months to come. While that approach certainly can be helpful, I prefer to reflect more on the big picture of the previous year, while looking to let go of past disappointments in order to move forward and into another chapter.

Laura Fenemore’s blog post on Tinybuddha, “Create Solutions, Not Resolutions,” advocates that instead of cultivating resolutions, it is solutions that are practical for inner peace.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, her philosophy suggests that in order to get where we want to go, we must let go of our longing for it to happen. “Achievement is still the goal, but ironically, you only get there by letting go of the need for it,” she said. Her solutions for letting go involve self-love affirmations and daily reminders of acceptance:

“Today, I accept myself just the way I am; today, I accept my body the way it is; today I accept my mind the way it is; today I accept my heart the way it is.”

Some people also like to write down their regrets of the past year and then tear them up or burn them to help symbolize letting go and moving forward.

In general, I’m usually eager to write about confronting the past. I strongly believe that staying present and resilient, while choosing not to run away from conflict, is essential for moving on.

Of course all this preachiness is easier said than done, but try to give yourself a break for the new year and come to terms with the difficulties you’ve faced these past 12 months. By acknowledging that you’ve had certain anxieties and stressors, forgiving yourself or others for mistakes, or even giving yourself closure or answers over a stifling relationship (that was a big lesson for me personally this year), you can release the weight and feel lighter for 2013.

Happy new year photo available from Shutterstock

I’m not a huge fan of the holiday season. When I was 19, I worked in a grocery store. I’m pretty sure my relative disdain for the season started while working a cash register between aisles of Santa-shaped chocolates and overpriced eggnog. I tolerated the crowds of people who purchased produce and cookies and I smiled, my irritation level peaking each time I was asked if the store sold organic carrots.

The customer, after all, is always right.

But the dreadful repetition of Christmas music drove me to surrender my apron midway through December.

My experience aside, many people look forward to the holiday season. We relish cherished time with family and with friends, fantastic food, time off from work and the giving and receiving of gifts. It’s a time when children smile and shake the gifts under the tree. Pretty great, right?

I hate be somber, but these things often lead to a holiday hangover. Unfortunately, twelve glasses of water, an aspirin and time in bed won’t cut it.

So here are some tips — sarcasm included! — to get back on track:

• Ban Christmas music. Hide Christmas CDs in a drawer and listen to something else. Frank Sinatra or Miles Davis, Metallica or Eminem, CNN or Howard Stern. Anything else.
• Do not look at your credit card bills for one week, or as long as possible. Buying gifts for those we care for is always fun (well, usually) but sometimes we get carried away. I’m not sure my mother needed two pairs of pajamas, matching slippers, a bathrobe and three types of exfoliating body wash.
• Take a couple of days to unwind. My family always has half the neighborhood over Christmas Eve. People play guitar, my lovely mother sings Neil Young and halfway through the night I hide in the spare room. Time with family and friends is great, it’s healthy, but once the holidays are over we need some time to unwind. Read a book while wearing your pajamas, drinking tea and finishing off the chocolate and turkey.
• Leave the Christmas tree up. That’s right, leave it up, at least until the New Year. Often, amid the chaos of Christmas, we don’t really get a chance to enjoy it. You can skip this step if you own pets that have holiday fun eating the tree and everything on it. My cat has a penchant for candy canes and my dog enjoys eating the artificial branches, lights and all.
• Pick a day to do some holiday cleaning. This is similar to spring cleaning but involves shiny paper, bits and pieces of tinsel, leftover food and sometimes relatives who are staying a bit longer than planned.
• Gear up to get back to work. Whether you are going back to work before the New Year or after, it’s important to get back into the swing of things. Holidays are a disruption to our schedule: our sleep pattern changes, as does our level of socialization and our eating habits. Ease yourself back into life.
• Exercise. Exercise not with the goal of losing the weight gained from boxes of chocolate and gravy (save that for New Year’s if you must) but because we often exercise less during the holiday season. Exercise helps to regulate our lives and schedule.
• Secretly organize and consider ‘re-gifting.’ This is optional (and perhaps in bad taste?). Gather the gifts that you may already own or just don’t like. Mentally thank the person — this eradicates possible guilt — that presented them to you. Place them in your closet and next year give them to someone else.
• After New Year’s take some time to reflect on your life. New Year’s Eve is sort of like the icing on an overly-decorated cake. Right when we start to get back into the swing of things, New Year’s kicks our lives back into high gear. Whether you celebrated it quietly, or celebrated it in large company, spend the time following reflecting on the year and the year ahead.

When all is said and done, the New Year having passed and the tree having been packed away, it’s time to get back to life. Like any bad hangover, give it some time: life moves on. Enjoy it. Relish in the ‘normal’ parts of life — before Halloween reminds you that the holiday season is right around the corner.

Sarcasm aside, try a few of these out and if all else fails, well, try a long nap and aspirin.

To all of our Psych Central readers, I wish you a very Happy New Year!

I hope 2013 is a good year for you, your family and your friends. I hope the universe makes some of your dreams come true this year, and that you’re successful in overcoming some of your own challenges.

And may your year be full of the things that bring you happiness in your life — whether it be family, success, a new job, relief from pain, or some combination of all of the above.

We here at Psych Central wish you a very prosperous one in whatever you do.

And if you need a little help with your resolutions or making the most of your New Year, please check out our annual New Year’s Guide. Here are a few of our latest blog entries from across the Psych Central Blog Network to help you with your resolutions this year…

Start the New Year with Possibility Thinking and a Mindset of Success
(Neuroscience and Relationships) – It’s that time of year again to start anew, to re-energize your life and to access your brain’s capacity for possibility thinking and energizing momentum for success and happiness in the coming year.

Gratitude Day 2012
(The Emotionally Sensitive Person) – Researchers in positive psychology tell us that we are more content when we savor the positive that happens in our lives. But focusing on the positive isn’t natural for many people.

How to Create Meaningful Resolutions as a Couple
(World of Psychology) – As a couple, you might be interested in creating New Year’s resolutions to improve your relationship. But you might be stumped about where to start – especially since resolutions tend to get a bad rap.

New Year’s Resolutions 101
(Therapy That Works) –   New Year’s resolutions: We have all set them and we have all broken them. Whether it is to lose weight, stop smoking, or spend more quality time with our loved ones, New Year’s resolutions involve behavior change. Achieving and maintaining change can be challenging.

5 Tips to Blow Up Your Old Expectations & Move Forward
(World of Psychology) – A client shared his frustration over not achieving more in his life, all those things he thought he would have done by now. I suggested that his struggle with low self-esteem would be helped if he stopped comparing himself to others.

Higher Powered Resolutions: promises we can keep!
(Couples in Recovery) – Everyone makes New Year’s resolutions: I’ll lose weight. I’ll stop smoking. I’ll spend more time with my partner or my children.

Equine Therapy: A New Years Challenge
(Equine Therapy) – For most people, New Years is about Resolutions. It is at this time that we take an inventory of the year past and begin to make determinations about where we would like to go and what we would like to accomplish in the next year.

7 New Strategies for Happiness in the New Year
(Character Strengths) – Just in time for 2013! Looking for a New Year’s resolution? Feeling a holiday lull? Wanting to increase your happiness? New research from the science of positive psychology has found a number of practical exercises you can do to boost your happiness and decrease your depression.

The reason? We usually don’t follow our hearts or our values.

We asked three relationship experts for their suggestions on setting meaningful resolutions for 2013. Below you’ll find specific steps for creating goals that truly help you cultivate your connection and boost your relationship.

Focusing on Your Identity as a Couple

Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a therapist, author and professor, suggested couples ask themselves these three questions when crafting their resolutions:

• “Who are we as a couple?”
• “What do we want to create in the next year in our relationship?”
• “What are we willing to contribute to the process moving forward?”

Growing Together

Clinical psychologist Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, suggested couples first discuss 2012, specifically focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Next, consider how you’d like to “grow” your relationship in the New Year, she said. “Pinpoint aspects of the relationship that you would both like to improve and jointly identify steps you can take to initiate that change,” she said.

For instance, according to Hansen, if your goal is to be more respectful to each other, one partner might say, “I will work to improve the words and tone of voice I use during our interactions.” The other partner might say, “I will work on stopping what I’m doing in order to make eye contact with you when you’re talking to me.”

Record your resolutions, and re-examine them every month, Hansen said. “Go on a date at the end of the month, take a walk, or find a quiet moment on a weekend to review your goals.”

Setting SMART Resolutions

Clinical psychologist Silvina Irwin, Ph.D, stressed the importance of setting SMART goals.

• Specific. Instead of saying that you’d like to spend more time together, designate one night a week as date night, she said. Then identify the details to make that happen, such as securing a babysitter, figuring out what you’ll do or buying theater tickets right now, Irwin said. Or instead of saying that you’ll save more money in 2013, set up automatic transfers for five percent of every paycheck to go into your savings account, she said.
• Meaningful. To pick resolutions that truly matter to you, have each partner figure out what they’d like to work on, said Irwin, who also leads workshops for couples. Jot down your priorities using positive terms, she said. In other words, instead of writing, “stop yelling at each other,” write, “touch each other at least once a day.” Next, rank your list from 1 to 5 based on importance. Then compare and compile your lists, she said. Finally, pick the top three goals you’d like to address in 2013, she said.
• Attainable. Make your goals as easy as possible to accomplish. That includes being explicit about how you’re going to attain your resolutions, Irwin said.
• Relevant. Review your list, and discuss why you’re choosing these goals, Irwin said. The best goals are connected to your values.
• Time-sensitive. “Open-ended goals quickly get back-burnered and overshadowed by the immediacy of here and now needs,” Irwin said. She suggested setting specific time frames. For instance, if you’d like to spend more time together, mark down date nights or weekend getaways on the calendar, right now, she said. “Otherwise other events and commitments will fill up that precious time, and before you know it, your potential getaway weekends have all been gobbled up.”

When mapping out your goals as a couple, avoid complaining, blaming or criticizing each other, Hansen said. “Instead, take a proactive approach and focus on what will make your relationship stronger, happier, healthier, and more satisfying in 2013.”

Couple making resolutions photo available from Shutterstock

This man, like many I know, deals heroically every day with the special needs challenges in his family. He and his wife step up in a non-traditional, focused, determined manner with love and spirit that is hard for outsiders to imagine. He is the frog in the pot, so it is nearly impossible for him to see how exceptional he is.

His reaction to me was: “Are you asking me to lower my expectations?”

No, I said, I’m asking you to blow them up, destroy them, obliterate them to dust. I hate that term: ‘lower expectations’, (can you tell?) as if by thinking differently we are less ourselves instead of more.

Here are some tips:

1. Start with a clean slate. Be honest with yourself. Are the expectations you are holding onto really your own? Or are they some one else’s? If they are someone else’s ditch them.

2. Brain storm. Write a stream of consciousness, without censor, without judgement. You can cull out the absurd (I expect to be America’s Next Top Model!) later.

3. Embrace where you are in life, because where ever you are, even if it’s really hard, it is Good.

4. Create goals, expectations, standards, whatever you want to call them, that work with you instead of against you. I may not ever be America’s Next Top Model, but maybe I could walk more.

5. Keep the expectations fluid. Your needs in life will change for good and all. Keep light on your feet.

At the end of Working Girl, (an ’80′s iconic movie that you have got to see just for the hair!), a titan of industry tells a story to his board of directors that goes something like this:

One day in the Lincoln Tunnel, traffic came to a stop. A huge 18-wheel truck exceeded the clearance of the tunnel and got stuck. It couldn’t move forward or backward. The emergency crew were at a loss, scratching their heads as tempers began to fray all around them. Finally a little boy from a car waiting patiently behind the rig piped up: “Why don’t you just let air out of the tires?” Which, of course, they promptly did, lowering the truck which allowed it to move forward.

Life generally requires at least a few of those deflating-the-tires moments. My life is actually full of them and they haven’t been easy to deal with. Here’s why.

Even though I know I have to deflate my tires I resist it. My heart tells me I am not living up to potential yet again! So many times I asked myself if it was time to lower my expectations. In a small but very significant way it was having a chronic illness that first taught me that the old expectations of myself were keeping me frustrated and depressed. As long as I held on to the notion that I had to have the same production levels as I did when I was healthy I was letting myself and in my eyes, everyone around me, down. It finally occurred to me that since my illness was not going away I had to face some choices.

Either I keep banging my head against the Old Expectations Wall or I blow the damn thing up and build a brand new wall, or dig a tunnel under it or an airplane to fly over it!

Picture this: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Harrison Ford plays Indiana Jones (“it’s not the years, it’s the mileage”) who has battled and out-raced countless henchmen bent on his destruction. He lands in a market square and out of nowhere comes a seven foot tall giant brandishing the mother of all swords! Indy sighs, takes out his gun and shoots him.

Wow! Legend has it that Harrison Ford improvised this scene because he really was sick and too tired to do the choreographed sword fight. His flash of creativity became one of the most popular and iconic scenes in filmdom.

During my twenties when I was first confronted by a sickness that wasn’t going away I had a therapist who helped me break through my old expectations. It took over six years for me to get my B.A but I managed it. Then when I was thirty, I bit the bullet and went to graduate school thinking I would be the old lady in the class. Guess what? There were many like me, some even older, who had postponed their post-grad education for whatever reasons.

Later, I struggled with the reality accepting a life without kids. I married late and I was sick a lot, but by some miracle they arrived. It wasn’t easy, but now I have kids the same age as my great nieces and nephews. It’s a hoot!

My career expectation was to climb the corporate ladder to a satisfying administrative position. After hitting the glass ceiling I quit and struck out on my own. That was over fifteen years ago. The road to fulfilling my dream of a private practice for the 21st century has been rocky but every time I hit a rut, I remember I can change course and still move forward.

Hanging on to expectations that work against us is like trying to pull our fingers out of a Chinese finger trap. The more you yank and pull the tighter the damn thing traps your fingers. The trick is to keep calm, relax and let your clever brain find another way. Then your fingers slip out easily!

Many of us set resolutions that we think we should. We should lose weight. We should diet. We should make more money. We should have a super clean, clutter-free home. We should strive for wanting less — or wanting more.

So it’s understandable why most resolutions stay unresolved. But by shifting how you view, and act, on resolutions and act on them, you can set goals that genuinely nourish you and contribute value to your life.

Below, two experts share eight suggestions for setting authentic and achievable resolutions.

1. Figure out if you even want to set resolutions.

We forget, but resolutions are optional. “It may feel most nourishing to let go of the pressure to make a promise to yourself that you might not be able to keep,” said Judith Matz, LCSW, Clinical Social Worker and co-author of The Diet Survivors Handbook: 60 Lessons in Eating, Acceptance and Self-Care and Beyond a Shadow of a Diet: The Therapist’s Guide to Treating Compulsive Eating.

2. Think of resolutions as “intentions.”

“That way, you can move in the direction of something that’s important to you, rather than having to change or overcome something all at once,” Matz said. It also allows you to savor what goes well and reflect when you get stuck, she said.

3. Focus on your values.

If you do want to pursue resolutions, recognize what’s important to you, said Ashley Solomon, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who blogs at Nourishing the Soul. Ask yourself “What value of mine is this resolution serving?” she said.

For instance, you might plan to walk 30 minutes a day. But how does [this goal] connect with living a valued, vibrant life?” she said.

“When people can identify how their goal will contribute to leading them in valued directions, they are more likely to be able to sustain it when it gets challenging,” she said.

“Reflect on what will truly nurture you body, mind, or spirit,” Matz said. “Don’t let shoulds rule your resolutions. And choose something that comes from a strong internal desire rather than external pressures.”

4. Consider who this intention involves.

Solomon also suggested asking yourself: “Who am I doing this for?” “It’s okay if it’s for more than just ourselves, but we need to be clear on how this change will impact others, so that we can be prepared,” she said.

5. Focus on the details.

When setting your goal, be very specific. Instead of striving to stay in touch with your brother, commit to calling him on Sunday afternoons, Solomon said.

Also, ask yourself where you need to start, she said. “Think through the goal as if [you’re] writing a movie script – detail by detail,” she said. Let’s say you’d like to cook dinner four nights a week. That’s a great goal, Solomon said, but “not if [you] don’t know the difference between a pot and a pan.” Instead, you might start with finding a cooking class, she said.

This also speaks to the importance of starting with a small goal, as Matz recommended. For instance, if you’d like to be more active, first take a walk, try a yoga class or see if you even have the right shoes, she said.

Along the way check in with yourself. “If you find that your first step is satisfying, build in another step as you continue your journey,” Matz said.

6. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking is the idea that you do things completely and perfectly or you don’t do them at all. But this kind of thinking only sabotages and paralyzes your progress and makes you feel like a failure, Matz said. For instance, you might not have enough time to organize your whole home, but you might have time for a few closets, she said. And this still moves you toward your intention.

7. Find support.

“We all need support and accountability when it comes to making a change,” Solomon said. She stressed the importance of gathering support before starting. “We need to put that support system in place prior to jumping into a resolution head-first,” she said.

8. Dig deeper.

Many of us automatically view ourselves as hopeless failures if we don’t accomplish a goal. Instead, be kind to yourself and try to better understand what’s stopping you from moving forward, Matz said.

Take the example of becoming more active, again. Consider if you’ve carved out enough time for physical activities or whether you’ve found activities you actually enjoy, Matz said. Or maybe there’s something deeper going on, she said. “Instead of waiting until next January 1 to try again, reflect on your progress and make an active decision about what to do next.”

If you’re making the same resolution every year, consider if it’s really what you want, Matz said. And if it is, again, dig deeper, and identify what’s obstructing your path, she said.

Sometimes, the wisest move is to walk away from a resolution. “Sometimes the best and healthiest thing we can do is to give up on certain goals, particularly if we’re finding that their pursuit is not leading us to be the person we want to be,” Solomon said.

Nourishing intentions “support you in your life’s journey,” Matz said. So when selecting your intention and acting on it, make sure it’s something that truly nurtures you and adds value to your life.

New Year’s resolution photo available from Shutterstock

1. Bribe yourself.

A so-called parenting expert that I read last week claimed that bribing your kid to get him to do something was an example of irresponsible and ineffective parenting. I suspect that the same man sits in his quiet and tidy little office cranking out advice like that while either his wife or nanny is home changing diapers and doling out time-outs. Let’s face it, bribing feels like one of the most effective tools to get anyone — your kid, your stubborn mother, your golden retriever, or yourself — to do something.

My running coach used this brilliant method to train me to run 18 miles. Before our run, he hid Jolly Ranchers along our route, every two miles, so he’d say to me when I wanted to stop, “In another half-mile, you get a treat! Come, you can do it!” And like a rat spotting a half-eaten hotdog, I’d run to the candy.

You want to make sure you stick to your resolution? Bribe yourself along the road there: at the one-forth mark, one-half mark, and three-quarters mark.

2. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from the scouts — teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you’d rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

3. Throw in a gimme.

This is to ensure on December 31 of next year, you will have succeeded at one goal. So make it an easy one: “Throw out my Christmas sweater with a sequenced reindeer,” “Pitch my golf-ball socks with two huge holes in the toes,” “Give away my Yanni CDs,” “Frame the family photo I had taken two summers ago.” You see where I’m going with this one? Heck, if you list a bunch of gimmes, then you’ll feel even better about yourself come next December.

4. Allow some backtracking.

I think most of us say “to hell with it,” around the third week in January because it takes that long for the brain to realize it is going to need a motherload of discipline to keep the resolution, and our goal isn’t so newish and cool anymore. Like last May, when I decided to eat according to the “Skinny Bitch” diet. I consumed hummus and celery for three weeks straight, feeling fantastic every time I fastened my loose jeans. Then I got really stick of hummus and celery… so sick of them that I still can’t eat them to this day.

We need to go in to our resolution knowing that we are very likely going to mess up in a few weeks, or maybe days, and that’s okay, because for every two steps backwards we make another half-step forward. Technically, then, we can categorize it as “progress.” Moreover, if we lose our black and white thinking, and adjust our vision to see more colors– situations and events in which we can’t just eat celery and hummus– then we’ll be able to hang onto to our resolutions until February, and maybe even June!

5. Wear some resolution bling.

Let me explain this one. It has something to do with my obsessive-compulsive self, and being raised by a lot of nuns who held a lot of rosaries and holy water and other faith objects. I need reminders — ideally 234 of them — to refresh me on goals, promises, and prayers I promised myself or recited in the morning with my coffee. And because tattoos are expensive and well, permanent, I go with jewelry, medals, and beads I can hang on to.

So, for example, my resolution this year is to worry less and trust God more, especially financially: to be a little more relaxed, in general, and to try to let the big guy upstairs deal with it before I take it from him, throwing a hissy fit. This is essentially the Serenity Prayer: to accept the things I can’t change, and to know the difference between the things that I can’t change and the things I can.

So I wear a serenity prayer bracelet, each bead symbolizing part of the prayer. My key chain holds a large cross with the serenity prayer engraved on it, and it makes a jingling sound as I drive, to remind me that the pea-brained fellow in front of me who won’t let me around him is one thing I can’t change.

That’s why so many people use this time to create resolutions. In our monthly series, “Therapists Spill,” we wanted to know what goals clinicians are setting for their fresh starts.

For instance, Serani is setting both personal and professional goals — with an emphasis on realistic resolutions.

I like to set realistic goals for myself each year. Some are personal, like exercising more and eating better. Others are professional, such as researching a new subject or presenting at a conference. Of course, I don’t always achieve all these goals. But for me, I know that thinking about change leads me toward change. And that’s a good way to start the year.

Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, has three resolutions for the new year, which focus on gratitude, mindfulness and self-care.

I very much believe in the power of gratitude as a way to encourage positive thinking and good energy that will attract blessings, such as positive people, experiences and opportunities in the New Year.

I love the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn and Eckhart Tolle and am committed to continue developing my practices of meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga and other mindfulness techniques to anchor myself in the present. Mindfulness practices keep me from obsessing from the past or worrying about the future and also help me be more aware of my emotional and physical state. I find that when I am rooted in the present, I am more conscious and better able to detach from my ego and live my life authentically.

As a mother in a care-taking profession, I have a bad habit of putting my needs last, to a fault.  Therefore, I am committed to a lifelong journey of practicing healthy self-love. To help myself with this goal in 2013, I put a small, framed picture of myself as a baby on my nightstand.  Each morning, I look at it and set intentions for self-care for the day (healthy diet, exercise, rest, fun, etc.).

Somehow, it is easier for me to validate my self-care if I take a moment to reflect that I am that precious child in the photo — and that as an adult, I have the responsibility to take the very best care of myself so that I can live a healthy life personally and professionally.

Gratitude also is a goal for John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.

In 2013, my plan is to be present, in each moment, and to be grateful. There are many, many things I intend to accomplish in the coming year, but if I can achieve presence and gratitude, I am confident that all else will fall into place beautifully.

Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to setting resolutions.

I hate to be contrarian, but resolutions sort of drive me crazy. Part of me loves to target areas to improve, while another part strives for self-acceptance. New Year’s resolutions force me to pit these competing drives against each other. For this reason, I usually avoid making resolutions, but this year I’ll make an exception:

1. Run a 40 minute 10K

2. Measure happiness qualitatively, not quantitatively

3. Get a book deal

4. Be less goal oriented; enjoy the journey

5. Increase Facebook fans

6. Increase humility

7. Change bad habits

8. Accept self as-is

Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher, resolves to focus on the people in his life for 2013.

Something I intend for the new year is to give more attention and care to my relationships rather than acquiring things, doing things or being someone I think I should be. I want to honor the people in my life and remember that they are the most important part of my life.

Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and postpartum mental health expert, doesn’t set goals. Instead, she sets a theme for each new year.

I do have a main “goal” for 2013 — to see the publishing of my book, This is How We Grow. But really, I don’t set “goals” or “resolutions” for the New Year. It’s actually something I share in my book — several years ago, in an attempt to get away from the too-easily forgotten New Year’s “resolutions,” I developed instead a yearly theme.

This theme would serve as my one “resolution” for the entire year and give me focused, extended practice in mastering it. A few of my past year’s themes include: humility, charity, patience, gratitude, love, and joy.

At the end of each year I spend time reading through my past year’s journal (I’m an avid journal-keeper), allowing myself to reflect on what I’ve learned, where I am, and where I need to be headed. This helps me determine what my theme for the next year will be. Sometimes I know my theme a couple months before; often, I don’t know it until January 1!

So, what will my theme be for 2013? Right now I’m leaning toward “Optimism,” but, since I haven’t done my “year in review,” if you really want to know my 2013 theme, you’ll have to tune in to my blog in January and find out!

These resolutions have one thing in common: They focus on each person’s values. Whether you’re setting resolutions this year or not, consider striving for a life that honors what’s important to you and isn’t shaped by shoulds. Consider creating a life that respects your needs and wishes.

2013 photo available from Shutterstock

Relationships rarely thrive without some effort from both partners. That’s why we asked three relationship experts to offer their tips on setting resolutions that truly boost our romantic bonds. Here are 12 resolutions to help your relationship flourish in 2013.

1. Put your relationship first.

Clinical psychologist Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, suggested partners “Make each other a priority.” For instance, check in with each other during the day, spend quality time together during the week or go on a date at least once a month, she said.

2. Set tech-free zones.

For instance, have tech-free evenings from 8 to 10 p.m. or tech-free days like Sunday, said Silvina Irwin, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who also leads workshops for couples. Or rather than checking email in the morning, connect over your cups of coffee, she said. This lets you give each other more attention and cultivates conversation, she said. “It also communicates to your partner ‘You are important to me and you are worthy of my undivided attention,’” she said.

3. Work on your communication.

“Communication is always the place I encourage folks to start out from as they set out to make new resolutions,” said Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a therapist, author and professor. For instance, strive to be kind and respectful, he said. Create a set of rules both of you will follow during difficult conversations, he said. And try to listen more than you talk, he added.

4. Be more affectionate.

Be affectionate with each other, even if it’s brief, Irwin said. Hold hands, hug, cuddle before bed, kiss hello and goodbye and sit close together, according to Irwin and Hansen. “Research shows that people reap enormous benefits from hugs lasting as little as 20 seconds, including decreased blood pressure, decreased heart rate, decreased levels of stress, and increased release of oxytocin,” Irwin said.

5. Play together.

“Instead of turning on the TV and vegging out, dust off that old game of Monopoly or pull your cards out and have game night together once a week or once a month,” Irwin said.

6. Praise each other.

Acknowledge both the big and little things your partner does. Hansen gave the following examples: “Thank you for making the bed, I appreciate how hard you work for our family, I love when you make time for me during the week, Thanks for remembering to pick up your socks.”

7. Be kind.

Treat your spouse as kindly as you do others, Hansen said. Practice being more patient and tolerant, she said. And “Remind yourself daily that your partner is the most important person in your life and thus should be treated that way,” she said.

8. Try to see your blind spots.

“We all operate in daily life with certain places of denial or emotional disconnection,” Sumber said. And this can hurt our relationships. Usually a blind spot is something your partner picks up on, but you don’t.

As Sumber said, it might concern something you keep arguing about over and over. Or your partner might complain about your callous or uncompassionate reaction or tone with a certain issue, he said.

To identify blind spots, Sumber suggested asking yourself: “What makes me most uncomfortable in my interactions with my partner?” Or, “When was the last time I (or my partner, for that matter) rolled my eyes about something they did or said?”

9. Be adventurous.

The start of a relationship is exciting because of all the firsts and new things you try together. Recapture that novelty by switching things up. For instance, instead of eating at the same restaurant, try a new place in your area or a nearby town, Irwin said. Hike or bike a new trail, she said. Or check out what interesting activities are being offered by your community college or community center, she added.

10. Laugh.

Not surprisingly, couples who laugh and have fun together tend to rate their relationships as more satisfying, Irwin said. And these couples tend to stay together longer, she said. Irwin suggested going to a comedy club and watching funny films. “Walk down memory lane together and retell funny stories and moments in the relationship that made you laugh,” she added.

11. Share your feelings – not your thoughts.

“Couples tend to get stuck in the ‘right/wrong’ dance and both want their partner to hear, understand, and validate their perspective during an argument,” Hansen said. Unfortunately, this just boosts your bickering, she said.

Instead of shouting, name-calling or blaming your partner, she said, share your feelings. For instance, instead of saying, “You never remember anything, you’re such a jerk,” you might say “I feel hurt and disappointed that you forgot our anniversary,” Hansen noted.

12. Have more sex.

Sexual intimacy brings couples closer. According to Irwin, “the release of oxytocin through physical contact and orgasm promotes a feeling of love [and] bonding, increasing our attachment to our partners.” It also soothes the pain from headaches and PMS and helps us sleep better, she said.

Relationships take work. That’s why it’s helpful to reflect on the past year and consider how you’d like to grow your relationship in 2013. The above resolutions highlight many of the meaningful ways to do just that: Spend genuine quality time together, honor your partner, strengthen your intimacy and have fun.

Happy couple photo available from Shutterstock