For many, the security of having a job is essential for their well-being. If you know anything about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety and employment are in the second level, just above breathing — so it’s pretty important.

If you are facing the threat of redundancy then I imagine you’re going through many different emotions right now, but there are some things you can do to help you deal with these rumors more easily.

Take my friends, for instance. A few welcome the idea of redundancy and are actively seeking to be made redundant. Others are struggling with the idea, mainly because of their unhealthy thinking about redundancy and how it will ultimately affect them.

It’s important to learn to deal with unknown threats well, otherwise anxiety can become overwhelming. Once that happens, it’s very easy to cause ourselves even more emotional, cognitive, and behavioral problems.

So what can those facing redundancy do?

First, understand that this is a rumor and may not be true. Worrying about something that doesn’t exist or over which you have no control is a waste of time and effort.

Second, check that you are not causing yourself anxiety by creating unhealthy thoughts and putting yourself in a “loss-condition.” That’s when you focus so much on the potential loss that you magnify it and take it to a catastrophic conclusion. For example, a person in a loss-condition might start thinking, “What if I lose my job? I can’t lose my job, that would be awful. What if I don’t find another one and can’t afford to pay my rent? My children won’t be able to go to school and my wife will leave me. I’ll then be alone and homeless on the streets. Oh God, I can’t stand it. This must not happen!”

The problem with creating this loss scenario is that once you think it, your mind will create a visual story of that thought and react accordingly. Your brain will begin to believe that thought is true. The more you think that irrational belief, the quicker your brain will recall that devastating visual and it’ll react to the threat by creating even more anxiety symptoms. Before you know it, you won’t be able to think clearly and cope with the threat or the reality of redundancy.

Essentially, you’ve created a fictitious scenario that your brain believes to be true. You’ll be convinced that this will be your ultimate outcome. This thinking is very dangerous to your health.

Third, while you are focusing on the loss scenario, you are not focused on what you might be able to do to help yourself if the redundancy does become real and does affects you. While you’re becoming more anxious and spending more time thinking about how awful life will be, you could have gotten your resume updated, gotten an idea about the state of your finances, checked out insurance policies to see if you have unemployment payment protection, and so on. (There are many good sites that offer practical advice.)

It’s perfectly healthy to have concerns over being made redundant, because it’s not a small thing. It’s also healthy to be cautious and prepared for the possibility that you may be made redundant. But it’s too easy to let our healthy concerns turn into unhealthy anxiety.

With just a small change in thinking, while rationally assessing the situation, you will be putting yourself in a healthier position to react, and manage any potential loss situation in healthier, more productive ways.

“Between a shaky world economy, increasing unemployment, and related issues, many today are being forced to come to the edge of uncertainty. Just like the baby sparrows, they find themselves leaning into the mystery that change brings, because they have no choice: It’s fly or die.”

For persons struggling with depression and anxiety — and for those of us who are highly sensitive — uncertainty is especially difficult. Forget about learning to fly. The uncertainty itself feels like death and can cripple our efforts to do anything during a time of transition.

I have been living in uncertainty, like many people, ever since December of 2008 when the economy plummeted and the creative fields — like architecture and publishing — took a hard blow, making it extremely difficult to feed a family. In that time, I think I have worked a total of 10 jobs — becoming everything from a defense contractor to a depression “expert.” I even thought about teaching high school morality. Now that’s desperate.

I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with uncertainty, but having lived in that terrain for almost five years now, I’m qualified to offer a few tips of how not to lose it when things are constantly changing.

1. Pay attention to your intention

I’m not a new-age guru. I don’t believe that you can visualize a check for $20,000 and find one in your mailbox the next day. Nor can you get on Oprah by believing you’ll be her next guest. (I tried both of those.) But I do recognize the wisdom in tuning into your intention because therein exists powerful energy that you can tap.

Awhile back I did Deepak Choprah’s exercise of recording my intentions and seeing how many of them actualized. I was surprised at the synchronicity between intention and events. Psychologist Elisha Goldstein writes in his book, The Now Effect: “Our intention is at the root of why we do anything and plays a fundamental role in helping us cultivate a life of happiness or unhappiness. If we set an intention for well-being and place it at the center of our life, we are more likely to be guided toward it.”

2. Tune into the body.

Psychologist Tamar Chansky, Ph.D. reminds us to listen to the body when we get anxious. If you understand why certain symptoms occur in the body – racing heart, dizziness, sweating, stomachaches – and repeat to yourself, “This is a false alarm,” you are less afraid, less panicked by the situation. Knowing that these symptoms are part of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) trying to protect you from danger – part of the primitive regions of the brain mobilizing the “flight-or-fight” response –the reaction becomes less about the situation and more about talking to your body about why it’s freaking out so that you can use the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to restore the body to normalcy, which, in my case, is still pretty panicky.

3. Imagine the worst.

I’m not sure you will find a psychologist to agree with me on this exercise, but it has always worked for me every time I do it. I simply envision what it would look like if my worst nightmare happened. What if my husband and I could not get any architecture gigs or writing assignments? What if we can’t pay for health care insurance and my heart malfunctions (I have a heart disorder)? What if we both come to a bone fide professional dead end? Then I move to my actions. I think about selling our house, moving into a small apartment, and working as a waitress somewhere or maybe as a barista at Starbucks. (If you work more than 20 hours, you get health care insurance.) I research health care insurance options for persons who make minimum wage. Under ObamaCare, my kids, at least, would be covered. I invariably come to the conclusion that we will be okay. All is okay. A huge adjustment. Yes. But we are getting to be pros at that. This exercise makes me fret less about the things that I think I must have and get back to the essentials—literally a warm meal on the table, even if it’s one a day.

I am comforted by the words of Charles Caleb Colton: “Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest fire.”

4. Describe, don’t judge.

In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Steven Hayes, Ph.D. dedicates a few chapters to learning the language of your thoughts and feelings. Especially helpful to me is learning how to distinguish descriptions from evaluations.

Descriptions are “verbalizations linked to the directly observable aspects or features of objects or events.” Example: “I am feeling anxiety, and my heart is beating fast.” Descriptions are the primary attributes of an object or event. They don’t depend on a unique history. In other words, as Hayes, explain, they remain aspects of the event or object regardless of our interaction with them. Evaluations, on the other hand are secondary attributes that revolve around our interactions with objects, events, thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. They are our reactions to events or their aspects. Example: “This anxiety is unbearable.”

If we are feeling anxious about the uncertainty of our job, for example, we can tease apart the language of our thoughts and try to transform an evaluation, “I will be destroyed if I am fired,” to a description, “I am feeling anxious and my job is unstable.” By naming the emotion and the situation, we don’t necessarily have to assign an opinion. Without the opinion, we can process the object, event, etc. without hyperventilation.

5. Learn from fear.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face … You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” My body usually protests against that statement, but theoretically I concur with Eleanor. I sincerely believe the good stuff happens when we are afraid. If we go a lifetime without being scared, as Julia Sorel said, it means we aren’t taking enough chances.

Fear is rather benign in itself. It’s the emotions we attach to it that disable us. If we can confront our fear, or rather approach it as an important messenger, then we can benefit from its presence in our life. What is the fear saying to us? Why is it here? Did it bring roses or chocolate? According to Jones, this is an exercise of getting comfortable with being out of control, of learning to let go of the illusion of control — because we never really had it in the first place — and developing an inner knowing that everything will be okay.

It also doesn’t help that credit cards are so easy to use. “Credit cards are rather intangible. They’re plastic, easy to store and don’t look like money. It’s much easier handing a card to a clerk than reaching for cash that generally has more meaning and is more concrete.”

Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, agreed. “Credit cards can give the illusion that one is not really spending ‘real’ money.”

Plus, you get instant gratification, and the negative consequences are delayed, since your bills don’t arrive for weeks, Matlen added.

But while using credit cards is more challenging when you have ADHD, you can learn to use them responsibly. Below, Matlen and Sarkis shared their practical and realistic suggestions.

1. Use cash.

“It’s much easier to hand over a little plastic card than a wad of bills that the person worked very hard to earn,” Matlen said. Cash is tangible. “[U]sing cash is a giant cue that there is only so much money available once some or much of it is spent.”

2. Use one credit card.

If you can’t use cash all the time, have one card for all your purchases, Matlen said. And make sure it has the lowest finance fees you can find, she said.

3. Get a credit card with full payment requirements.

Some people have a remaining balance on their credit cards each month, which leads to finance charges, said Sarkis, author of several books on adult ADHD, including 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD.

She compared having an unpaid balance to “taking out a high-interest loan. An item that seemed like a deal at 50 percent off may actually cost you 200 percent for the original cost if you don’t pay off your balance.” That’s why she suggested having a card like an American Express that requires paying off the full balance every month.

4. Set up automatic withdrawals.

It’s common for adults with ADHD to rack up late fees, because they forget to pay their bills. This is why having money automatically taken out of your account every month is helpful. But, as Sarkis said, you have to make sure there’s enough money in your account.

5. Set up online payments.

Another option is to pay your bill online, Matlen said. Set up reminders to help you pay on time, she said. For instance, you can create reminders in an online calendar and with alarms on your phone.

6. Create a system for bills.

If online payments aren’t possible, Matlen also suggested keeping a box or manila folder for your bills: When each bill arrives, open it, and look at the due date. Write that date on the envelope, and put the bill in your box or folder. Keep the bills in the order in which they’re due. Then, pick two days each month to pay your bills. Note those days in your calendar.

7. Have a pre-paid card.

Both experts suggested having a pre-paid card that fits your budget. “This helps to prevent over-spending on credit cards,” Matlen said.

8. Take drastic measures.

Some readers might need to take more drastic measures. For instance, for clients whose over-spending is particularly bad, Matlen suggests “they take their credit cards and put them in the freezer so that they aren’t so easily accessible.”

9. Give yourself a day to reconsider purchases.  

According to Matlen, when it seems like you’re making an impulsive buy, stop and take a picture of the item instead. (Most cell phones have cameras.) Then give yourself one day to decide if you really want it.

10. Shop with a person who can keep you accountable.

“Shop with someone who can help you curb your impulsive buying,” Matlen said.

It’s common for adults with ADHD to overspend and forget to pay their bills. But while these problems are prevalent, they’re also surmountable. The key is to find a system that works for you and stick with it.

It doesn’t matter that I wake up most mornings to swim 160 laps, am borderline obsessed with eating salads and whole grains, and that I haven’t drank a drop of alcohol in 24 years; that I do yoga twice a week, keep a mood journal, engage in cognitive behavioral therapy, and have a rich spiritual life; that I take omega-3 fish oil capsules, vitamin D, calcium, and other supplements with my extra-pulp juice in the morning; or that I work really hard at communicating anger, frustration, and disappointment so that the repression of feelings doesn’t end up as a tumor somewhere inside my body.

I can’t get an individual or family plan short of signing up for a $10,000 deductible.

Because I have a history of depression.

My illness falls under the ABCs of the non-insurable, the “preventable” illnesses that solicit the red flag of “no way in hell” she’s getting coverage:

A – Asthma (and, hell, let’s throw in Arthritis)
B – High Blood Pressure
C – Cardiovascular Disease (and Cancer, sometimes classified – I know – “preventable,” but which is surely a insurance-killer)
Double D (think bra size) – Diabetes and OF COURSE Depression

Now I’m not so naïve that I dismiss the economic toll these illnesses take on an already fragile economy. Here’s the chronic disease price tag, estimated annual direct medical expenditure, according to the Center for Disease Control, which used different methodologies in calculating costs:

Cardiovascular disease and stroke: $313.8 billion in 2009
Cancer: $89 billion in 2007
Smoking: $96 billion in 2004
Diabetes: $116 billion in 2007
Arthritis: $80.8 billion in 2003
Obesity: $61 billion in 2000

Not mentioned here is clinical depression, which, left untreated, is as costly as heart disease or AIDS to the U.S. economy, according to Mental Health America. It costs over $51 billion in absenteeism from work and lost productivity and $26 billion in direct treatment costs.

Depression tends to affect people in their prime working years and may last a lifetime if untreated. According the MHA:

• Depression ranks among the top three workplace problems for employee assistance professionals, following only family crisis and stress.
• Three percent of total short-term disability days are due to depressive disorders and in 76 percent of those cases, the employee was female.
• In a study of First Chicago Corporations, depressive disorders accounted for more than half of all medical plan dollars paid for mental health problems. The amount for treatment of these claims was close to the amount spent on treatment for heart disease.
• The annual economic cost of depression in 1995 was $600 per depressed worker. Nearly one-third of these costs are for treatment and 72 percent are costs related to absenteeism and lost productivity at work.

That’s not to mention the human toll: seven out of ten deaths among Americans each year are from chronic diseases. Heart disease, cancer and stroke account for more than 50 percent of all deaths each year. Almost 15 percent of those suffering from severe depression will die by suicide.

And there is much we can do to prevent it. Four culprits are responsible for much of the illness, the suffering, the costs, and the early death associated with chronic diseases:

• Lack of physical activity
• Poor nutrition
• Tobacco use
• Excessive alcohol consumption

But allow me to climb back onto my soapbox. It’s still not fair. It’s not fair to those of us who go to great lengths to pursue healthy living and do everything in our day in the name of recovery – those of us who get up every morning with a pair of boxing gloves on, ready to fight for our health. It’s just not fair and it’s wrong.

I look forward to my meetings with health insurance brokers less than I do my yearly Pap. As much as I try to mentally prepare myself for the blow – “Repeat to yourself: You’re not going to like what you hear. It’s going to be unfair. You need to stay calm” – I still leave infuriated, which then, of course, has me checking off two of the ABCs: depression AND high blood pressure. That would probably bring my deductible up to $12,000, God forbid.

Originally published on PsychCentral.com

And it’s these attitudes that shape how we use money today. Unfortunately, we usually don’t know it. People “can be very rational about money and irrational about their behavior.”

For instance, you assume you’re careful and conservative with your cash. You might even know all the right things to do. But once you start recording how much you spend, you begin to see patterns that suggest your behavior isn’t reflecting those assumptions.

We also might hold onto erroneous stories we’ve picked up over the years. Here are seven mistaken beliefs to relinquish.

1. Mistaken belief: Money makes you happy.

“It’s not money that makes you happy,” according to Kathleen Gurney, Ph.D, CEO of Financial Psychology Corp. and author of Your Money Personality: What It Is and How You Can Profit from It. It’s how you use it. “If you don’t know how you want to use it as a vehicle to create happiness, it will be used indiscriminately and never achieve what you value most.”

Consider your personal objectives, goals and aspirations, she said. Don’t be swayed by how others use their money, either. “The path to achieving a greater sense of happiness lies inside and not by following what others may do with their money.”

2. Mistaken belief: Money is a scorecard.

Some people believe “if I make more money, I can be competitive and win the race,” Baker said. When money is the top priority for a person, and they lose it – because of a layoff, for instance – their self-worth shrinks. (“They mix up net worth with self-worth.”) They suffer significantly because money is the only thing that matters, instead of another person who places greater value in family and is passionate about other things, she said.

3. Mistaken belief: Someone will take care of me.

Many women commonly believe that a man will provide for them, Baker said. (In one of her workshops, women in their 50s still held onto this belief, even though they had zero evidence of this in their lives.) A similar belief is that God will provide everything you need, she said.

Placing the responsibility outside yourself can mean you don’t pay attention to your money or worry about managing it. And such avoidance can prompt money problems.

4. Mistaken belief: There is never enough money.

According to Gurney, “this is a common mental mistake and rationalization for not dealing with the truth of ‘what is’ versus ‘what we would like it to be.’” In fact, people tend to go into debt trying to reach this point of enough, she said.

The first step to living within your means is to focus on what’s most critical, such as survival and security, she said. Then learn how to add to your money for the extras you want. (“…[E]arn it through smart money management and not through delaying the transaction through debt.”

5. Mistaken belief: These people must be onto something, so I should do the same.

“We hear of and watch others making certain financial choices and we start feeling like ‘they must be onto something’ and talk ourselves into following suit,” Gurney said. She used buying real estate as an example. A few years ago, this became a key trend, and many people bought properties they couldn’t afford.

Another example, she said, is “pulling retirement money out of more conservative investments to join in the frenzy to ride the stock climb only to find out that they have missed the climb.”

We can overcome this bias by “sticking to our original strategy and solutions that made sense for our particular money personalities, goals and financial situations.” Also, remember that the media provides “expert entertainment,” so it’s often tough to distinguish between what’s truly prudent – and best for you – and simply popular, she said.

6. Mistaken belief: You can get great advice from financial gurus.

While you can learn some helpful information, be wary of one-size-fits-all financial tips. “Everybody’s situation is unique,” Baker said. Many factors, including your goals, age and risk tolerance, have to be considered. Baker wishes that the media conveyed the importance of working with a financial expert. Just like you’d seek out an expert who specializes in an illness you have, you should do the same with a financial advisor.

When searching for an advisor, you can ask friends, Baker said, “but be leery.” (Baker actually ended up experiencing her biggest financial loss after receiving a recommendation from a friend.) If you do turn to friends, ask them how much money, on average, the advisor has made for them, she said.

Baker suggested visiting these sites for more information: FINRA (Financial Industry Regulatory Authority), the American College of Financial Services and the Financial Therapy Association.

When interviewing potential advisors, she suggested asking these questions:

• Who is your ideal client? For instance, advice to a 30-year-old will be very different than to a 70-year-old, she said. You want to find an advisor who helps people with your net worth and who will know which investments are most suitable for you, she said.
• How much do you charge for your services? In a typical year, how much would I spend on your services? Do you make a commission from trading? It’s very important to see if the advisor is upfront about how much they charge and how they’re paid. According to Baker, some advisors get paid a flat fee per hour, while others get paid a percentage. “The more they make for you, the more they make [for themselves].”
• Are you available anytime to answer my questions?
• Do you subscribe to suitability or fiduciary standards? Suitability is a lower standard of responsibility. Fiduciary responsibility is when “you have an ethical responsibility to act in the best interest of your client,” Baker said. Let’s say an advisor’s company bought too much Coco-Cola stock, and they need to sell it off. This might be suitable for you, but it might not be in your best interest. (Here’s more information on the distinction.)

Consider if you trust or could trust this advisor. You might want to pick an advisor from an independent firm because they won’t need to push company stocks, she said.

7. Mistaken belief: It doesn’t take much effort to manage money effectively.

Managing money actually “demands real commitment and attention to detail,” Baker said. “It involves sitting down and looking at all the money facts of your life, [such as] your bills, spending habits and goals.”

If you’re married, sit down with your spouse and get their ideas. “It’s a big mistake for one person in the family to do all of the money without consultation from the other.” (If one person is in control while the other is oblivious, this leads to relationship issues, she said.)

“Pay a little attention to [your finances] every day.” For instance, review your expenditures, open your mail and check your bills, she said. Use programs like QuickBooks to get a clear understanding of how much you’re spending and make adjustments as needed.

While money is a taboo topic, it’s crucial to discuss it with your family, Baker said. “Don’t be afraid to talk about money, or to ask for help from a financial therapist, your accountant or even a good friend.” If your friend is struggling with the same issues, you can work through them together, she said.

And women are feeling it more acutely than ever.  After decades of making progress in the work force, many women are feeling less valued than men, according to a recent APA survey on Stress in the Workplace.  They’re feeling they don’t receive adequate monetary compensation for their work and feel that employers offer them fewer opportunities for internal career advancement than men.

Why are women feeling less appreciated than men, when it comes to compensation and why are they stressed by lack of opportunity?

Possibly because they are.

Take a look at the healthcare industry as one example.  Healthcare as a whole is still an overwhelmingly female occupation: 80 percent of all workers in this field are female, according to a report on the healthcare industry by Georgetown University Center on Education and the Workforce.

But men are still earning more in many healthcare careers.  For example, female doctors earn less than their male counterparts and male nurses earn more than female nurses at every level of education, according to the Georgetown report.

And healthcare isn’t alone.  According to the results of the annual VIDA Women in the Literary Arts survey, male authors were featured 3 to 4 times more often than female authors in many major literary publications, such as The New York Review of Books and Harpers Magazine.

The reality is, in down economic times a wide range of people have good reason to feel stress at work.  Both men and women are often working during paid time off, typically checking email, but sometimes participating in conference calls or using days off to catch up on work.

And exacerbating the realities of the stressors in the job market, women may be more likely to internalize stress, according to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal.  They may hesitate to speak up for themselves or to challenge behavior that they see as unfair.  And, according to the APA survey, men are more likely than women to use flexible work arrangements, although both men and women report that job demands interfere with their ability to fulfill family or home responsibilities.

In the short term, stress isn’t always a bad thing.  It can motivate us to deal with a situation that poses some level of threat.  And the burst of adrenaline and other hormonal changes that occur during a stress response can heighten our senses and give us extra amounts of energy.

But chronically stressful situations that go unaddressed can lead to serious health problems.  Constant job stress can impact eating and exercise habits, which can contribute to high blood pressure, high cholesterol and weight gain.  Stress on the job can also accelerate the onset of heart disease and can lead to burnout, which is often associated with depression.

What can you do?

There are a number of strategies for dealing with workplace stress.  What will work for you may be entirely different than what will work for others.  Some interventions include:

• Learning relaxation and meditation techniques

• Assertiveness training
• Nutrition and exercise counseling
• Time management training
• Structuring breaks into your workday
• Emotion regulation training
• Identifying and setting reasonable standards

Your options for decreasing your stress levels include: making changes to yourself, how take care of yourself and how you think about and respond to stress, and making changing to your work environment by doing things such as asserting your needs and managing your time. 

It’s important to remember that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we are powerless to make changes to our environment.  Some work demands won’t change and sometimes we’re unable to change a hostile work environment.  When that is the case, to reduce your stress, you may have to evaluate your career options.

“To this day one of the most thoughtful gifts my husband has given me was a fishing tackle box he bought at a garage sale when we were first married,” said Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships. 

Steinorth doesn’t even fish. But her husband bought the box to help her organize her jewelry, which she was regularly misplacing. She still uses it today.

If you’re stumped on what to do for your beloved, here are five gift ideas that cost little to no money but nonetheless make a sweet treat.

Use Your Senses

Just looking at old photos of our dates with our partner can make us re-experience those same fond feelings, according to Ashley Eder, LPC, a psychotherapist who works with couples in Boulder, Colo. “Not only do you trigger the memories, but you also call on the aptly-named mirror neurons in your brain to re-create the emotions you see in the pictures.”

Rekindle these giddy feelings by creating a photo collage. Or compile a playlist or CD of significant songs for you as a couple. “Pay attention to how you feel as you create the playlist and experiment with songs and song order until you find the emotional ambience you’re looking for.”

She also suggested re-creating a meal. Not only do favorite food experiences reside in our memories, but they also dwell in our bodies, Eder said. “Whether you went to a favorite restaurant together or made something together at home, the familiar blend of flavors and textures will remind you both of a shared experience.”

Pledge a Promise — and Keep It

This promise can be anything from thoughtful to sexual, Steinorth said. She gave the following examples:

I promise to:

• “Give you a massage once a week for the next year.
• Walk the dogs in the morning so you can sleep in.
• Do the laundry every other week, so you get a break too.
• Put my dishes in the dishwasher.
• Pick up my socks.
• Not leave my makeup all over the house.
• Hold your hand when we walk together.
• Hug and kiss you before I leave for work in the morning and when I come home at night (my favorite!).”

Show Your Love on the Web

Technology often takes us away from our partners. Use it to bring you together, instead. Today, you’ll find many resources that let you create Web pages for free. Steinorth suggested taking advantage of these services for Valentine’s Day.

“Write a poem, talk about your feelings, include pictures of the two of you—it can be romantic, sweet and fun.”

Count the Ways You Love Your Partner

“All of us like to hear why our partner loves us,” Steinorth said. Create a list of the top 10 reasons you love your partner.

“For a low-cost upgrade, have it framed after Valentine’s Day and hang it where your partner can see it every day.”

Watch a Sunrise or Sunset

If you’re interested in a simple but romantic date, surprise your partner by savoring a sunrise or sunset together.

“Bring a blanket, leave your electronic devices at home and just enjoy each other’s company,” Steinorth said.

As she said, “Valentine’s Day gifts don’t need to be expensive to be meaningful.” Often, it really is the thought that counts.

Vanderkam encourages us to rethink how we view money.

Rather than money being “evil or soulless” or a point of comparison, she suggests we start seeing it as a tool for “acquiring, doing, and taking care of things that bring us joy.”

Let’s find out how.

Financial Principles

Vanderkam explains that people who are happiest about money seem to adopt these three principles about wealth, which she says, “has less to do with quantity than outlook.”

1. “I have enough. There are some people in this world who have more, but also plenty with less.”

2. “If I want more than I have now to achieve big goals, I can figure out a way to get it.”

3. “Every dollar is a choice. How I earn it and spend it are up to me.”

Rethinking Societal Norms

You might be surprised to learn – or maybe not so much – that in 2010 couples spent an average of $5,392 on an engagement ring, according to TheKnot.com’s annual Real Weddings survey. That’s a whole lot to spend prior to getting married, especially considering the potential hardships of maintaining a happy relationship and eventually having kids.

That money could go toward other expenses that would actually ease these challenges. According to Vanderkam, that same amount could pay a babysitter $50 a night for 107 nights. Couples could take that time to go on dates or enjoy their own activities.

The Knot also reported that a couple spends an average of $12,124 on their wedding reception venue. This “…could cover a $100 housecleaning service, twice a month, for the entire five years many two-kid couples spend in that sticky stage when children spill milk just to see what will happen.”

That doesn’t mean that you can’t have nice things or enjoy a fun event. One man bought his fiancé a beautiful and “pretty sizeable” sapphire engagement ring for $267. That same couple had a sundae bar at their reception for $100 instead of an elaborate cake, which no doubt would’ve cost them triple (at the very least).

Today, it’s normal — and expected — for people to splurge on one-time events like weddings. As Vanderkam writes, many people will spend four figures on wedding flowers but wouldn’t spend that amount on flowers for their spouse for the rest of their lives. Interestingly, happiness research shows that “small, frequent gestures have a greater impact on our overall well-being than bigger, infrequent events.”

Of course you might’ve already spent this money on rings, your wedding or another big event. Either way, what Vanderkam is underscoring is the importance of using money mindfully, instead of blindly following today’s version of the “American Dream.”

Examining Your Expenditures

Vanderkam includes a valuable exercise in All the Money in the World that helps readers figure out whether we’re using our money in ways that make us happy and reflects our priorities.

Vanderkam suggests reviewing your bills and receipts over a month. Write these down, and rate how you felt about each one based on a 5 point-scale: 1 = mad; 2 = annoyed; 3 = neutral; 4 = happy; 5 = thrilled.

Then ask yourself, “What are you happiest to spend money on? What does this tell you about your values?”

Vanderkam also notes that often it doesn’t make sense to slim down on the small things that make us happy, even though this is what we tend to hear from financial experts. As she writes, “Food and entertainment expenses may be easy to trim, but the hours we spend eating, doing leisure activities, and socializing are often the most pleasant of our days.”

Plus, the money you’d save wouldn’t even be that much, anyway. It would take years to save toward a 20 percent down payment for a home. And you might be pretty miserable along the way. (Instead, she suggests considering how you can increase your earnings.)

Whether you agree with these specific suggestions or not, Vanderkam’s premise is invaluable: Be thoughtful about how you use money, and view it as a resource for realizing your priorities.

The United States was founded on a system of free enterprise in order to cultivate freedom and opportunity. A free enterprise economy matters since it enables individuals to achieve success, to “plant their own seed,” and to leave a mark on others’ lives. This foundation is based upon the voluntary exchange of goods and services, where both parties benefit from this transaction.

With our recent economic woes, unemployment is still a relevant issue. This has taken an emotional toll on fathers and mothers who struggle to put food on the table. College graduates, who’ve spent several years working diligently toward a degree, are having trouble finding positions in their desired fields. Then there are those who have stopped looking for work altogether.

Maybe this is the time that lends itself to a “call to action,” where individuals can take a leap of faith and personally invest in their pursuit of happiness. Aspiring entrepreneurs, inventors and dreamers, of all kinds, must take initiative.

In a blog post in Psychology Today, Marilyn Price-Mitchell, Ph.D, discusses how teens learn: “We now know that learning to overcome challenges during adolescence develops initiative, an important characteristic of how we successfully pursue goals,” she says.

While trying not to confuse initiative with achievement, Price-Mitchell advocates that initiative is one’s inner ability to move forth with purpose. As adolescents grow into young adults, they realize the power of choice. By choosing to participate in activities that illustrate creativity, dignity and autonomy, they will feel internally rewarded. Price-Mitchell is a firm believer in encouraging teens to challenge themselves and seize the potential to think critically, while also learning to get along effectively with peers and adults.

“They may be judged by others and given feedback that prompts an adjustment to strategies or behavior,” she notes. “These are important, valuable experiences that help adolescents learn to propel themselves forward.”

What drives initiative? Particular attributes are needed in order to exert control, and to go the extra mile in developing a business of one’s own. (Forbes contributor Eric T. Wagner lists seven in particular in his article 7 Traits of Incredibly Successful Entrepreneurs.)

Wagner stresses the significance of persevering and staying focused on your journey, even when the finish line appears a bit out of reach and overwhelming. “Are things going to look impossible for you as an entrepreneur? You better believe it,” he writes. “Will you feel like giving up and throwing in the towel? Absolutely. But do you need to fight off the urge to quit and keep pressing on? Yes!”

Small business guru Michael E. Gerber draws parallels with starting your own company to writing your own book in his article, Traits of a Truly Entrepreneurial Mindset. Just as the process of writing asks you to think of the kind of wisdom you wish to impart to the reader, starting a company requires similar questions to be asked.

“Your business is a product of how you, its creator, think about it: what it sells, what it does, how it does it, who your people are, and how you help them grow,” Gerber said.

The year is young. Possibilities are everywhere.
Do you have any interesting business ideas?

Of course there are exceptions, but it appears that the idea of leaving the nest immediately following college graduation is long gone.

The current economy makes establishing financial independence a difficult feat. From a sociological perspective, extended mooching off Mom and Dad seems to be trending. Many young adults either are saving the money they do have, basking in domestic convenience, or simply waiting for the right living opportunity.

Overall, it seems they’re just not ready to take the next step.

A 2010 article in the New York Times Magazine features insight from Jeffrey Jensent Arnett, a psychology professor at Clark University. Arnett deems the 20s as a stage called “emerging adulthood.” He points to cultural shifts that led to the creation of this new phase of life: young people feeling less rushed to marry because of the acceptance of premarital sex; young women delaying pregnancy due to more career options and reproductive technology; the need for additional education in our information-based economy; and fewer entry-level jobs available after all those years of schooling.

“Approximately 51 million Americans live in multigenerational households,” stated a May 2012 article in Forbes.

“Twenty-nine percent of 25-34 year-olds have taken shelter Chez Mom and Dad during the Great Recession and with almost 80% satisfied with this arrangement, the impetus to get their own pad ASAP just isn’t there.”

According to the Forbes piece, moving out has become a phenomenon that needs to be approached with caution. Alice Karekezi, a writer for Salon, asserts that living at home longer is now viewed as a practical choice.

“Now to become a qualified professional, many middle-class American kids are going to have to spend many years in completely unpaid internships,” Karekezi said. “So they finish college, or in the course of going to college, they spend years upon years working in jobs that used to pay money and don’t anymore because this market is so crowded. You’ve got to live some place. So in households that can afford it, parents are making it possible for their kids to gather credentials that will allow them someday — they hope — to launch at the level they’re expecting.”

However, since 50 percent of college grads are unemployed or underemployed, a change may not be on the horizon in the near future.

A June 2012 article in the New York Post cites 20-somethings who are still living at home, even if they’re capable of striking out on their own. Jason Siegel graduated from LaFayette College a couple of years ago and was able to secure a job in Manhattan starting at $50,000. Although he’s well employed (and has a serious girlfriend, who could be a potential roommate), he still chooses to stay where he is. “I didn’t want to start a new job and move at the same time,” he said. “It was too much transition, two huge changes at once.”

Convenience appears to be an additional rationale for not running out the door as readily. Another “gainfully employed” 23-year-old told the Post that living at home simply spawned a higher quality of life. “I can travel without worrying about money. I can go out to not the cheapest dinners often. I don’t have to think, ‘Is this dinner next week’s rent?’”

Living at home longer seems to be a sociological trend within “emerging adulthood,” as well as a byproduct of our times and how the Gen Y’s are coping with its unpredictability. To put a positive spin on the pattern, I’ll even say this 20-something generation is patient. It takes patience to achieve financial independence and patience to create a well-thought-out plan before leaving.

In “Occupy Mom and Dad’s House,” personal trainer Amanda Shugar stated that she’s been mentally preparing herself for moving out. “It’s a scary thing,” she said.

It is indeed, especially when all the pieces haven’t fallen into place just yet.

Young woman at home photo available from Shutterstock

But “financial wellness is a component of overall wellness,” according to clinical psychologist Joe Lowrance, PsyD. He works with clients to identify problematic behaviors around money and create solutions for a healthier relationship.

“Financial health is having a conscious and purposeful relationship with money that is satisfying and isn’t overly stressful,” said Brad Klontz, PsyD, a financial psychologist and director of research at H&R Block Dollars & Sense.

So what does this look like?

Financial health or wellness includes: spending money based on your values; having low or reasonable debt; saving money to meet your goals; and having a safety net, such as an emergency fund or insurance, according to Klontz and Lowrance.

Our financial relationship today stems from childhood, which is when we develop “money scripts,” Klontz said. These are our beliefs about money, which drive our financial behaviors, he said. And usually, we’re not even aware of them.

Money scripts are shaped by “direct experience, family stories, and parental attitudes,” Klontz said. In his research at Kansas State University, Klontz and his team found a link between specific money scripts and lower incomes and net worth.

“Specifically, money avoidance scripts (e.g. ‘Money is unimportant,’ ‘Rich people are greedy’), money worship scripts (‘More money will make me happier’), and money status scripts (‘Your self-worth equals your net worth’) are all associated with poor financial outcomes,” he said.

Improving Your Relationship with Money

Fortunately, regardless of the state of your relationship with money, you can take steps to improve it. Klontz and Lowrance shared these suggestions.

1. Shine a spotlight on your scripts.

“It is critical to make your unconscious money scripts conscious,” Klontz said. This way you can begin to challenge your scripts and change them to improve your financial situation, he said. When your scripts remain unexplored, they can influence your behavior in negative ways – and, again, very likely without your knowledge. He recommended two practical strategies to explore your scripts.

• Interview family members. Ask your family about their early experiences with money, Klontz said. “Every family has a story around money, and family money scripts all make sense when we know the story.”
• Recall your earliest money memory. Ask yourself these questions, according to Klontz: “What is your most joyful memory around money? What is your most painful money memory? What lessons about money did you learn?”

2. Know thyself.

“Our relationship with money is embedded in our larger sense of self,” Lowrance said. He noted that “Money can serve as an important gateway to a deeper, [fuller] understanding of ourselves.” You can learn more about yourself by paying closer attention to your behaviors around money, then use this knowledge to improve your financial functioning.

For instance, someone who goes to the mall and ends up buying items they don’t need might actually be feeling lonely, Lowrance said. Realizing this can lead them to fulfilling their needs in healthier ways (and saving some cash).

A husband who’s unhappy with his wife’s promotion might really be anxious about potential changes in their relationship and his role as a man in their marriage, Lowrance said. This understanding may prevent needless arguments and kickstart a productive talk about their new financial situation.

3. Consult reputable resources.

One of the reasons people have a poor relationship with money is misinformation or lack of information, Lowrance said. Reading reputable books can help. Lowrance suggested The Money Trap by Ron Gallen; The Secret Language of Money by David Krueger; and Klontz’s Mind Over Money.

4. Consult the experts.

If your financial wellness is anything but well, seek professional help. For instance, look for clinicians who specialize in financial psychology. As Lowrance said, “Asking for help or seeking support is not a sign of weakness or deficiency; it is a sign of wisdom and an act of courage.”

Money is a taboo topic. But once you start exploring those buried beliefs and behaviors, you can build a better relationship with something you previously might’ve seen as an enemy. And if you need some help to dig deeper, don’t hesitate to seek out books or an expert.

Financial health photo available from Shutterstock

One of the most common of these stories is the sometimes-tragedy of divorce, in which a happy union is marred and ultimately ruined by the couple’s inability to communicate and jointly manage money matters.

As with most things in life, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. To prevent misunderstandings over money or its mismanagement from ruining your marriage, having “the money talk” is essential.

The Money Talk Defined

At its most basic level, the money talk is a frank and open discussion between two partners about their respective philosophies on spending and saving, their habits, and their entire financial picture. The money talk isn’t necessarily easy. It requires a commitment by both partners not to judge the other and to make a point of sharing their money mistakes, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities. It can also require a heavy dose of courage. For example, if you have an issue paying bills on time or have accumulated massive credit card debt, the time to talk about it is now.

Being clear about your struggles allows both of you to effectively deal with them, while trying to hide problems will only delay your partner finding out about them and will likely maximize the damage. Once everything is out in the open, the two of you can devise a plan to reach your mutual goals, help each other accomplish individual goals, and establish mutual responsibilities. Most importantly, by being apprised of what you have to look out for — your respective problems with money — you’re better positioned to keep problems at bay or prevent them entirely.

Reasons to Have the Money Talk

1. Create a Unified Front

When you know where you each stand in relation to money and what you both bring (good and bad) to the partnership, you can assess your joint assets and liabilities, as well as where your goals align and where they conflict. This empowers you to identify and nip potential problems in the bud by working out compromises before they blow up.

For example, if one of you is a spender and the other a saver, you can establish spending limits and savings goals that you both agree to abide by. The information you gain and compromises you make give you the goods to put together the skeleton of a financial plan. Such a plan will incorporate saving for an emergency fund, saving for retirement, or possibly paying down debt and saving for a home. You may want to bring a professional on board to help with the details and implementation of your financial plan.

Additionally, you should use the knowledge you gain to create a monthly and annual budget, as well as your individual money responsibilities. Schedule regular (monthly) money meetings to check your budget and your progress. Just like the initial money talk, these discussions must be frank and transparent in order to prevent and address problems. An active and honest approach to money will keep the two of you on the same page and thereby empower you to accomplish whatever you set your sights on.

2. Minimize Conflicts

The money talk and regular money meetings can blast open the lines of communication between the two of you. While not every single conflict is based in misunderstanding, most are. More specifically, since you’ve established rules to follow (a budget) and mutual responsibilities (paying specific bills), you each know what’s expected of you and to stay within agreed-upon boundaries regarding your financial behavior and habits.

3. Fortify Your Relationship

When you make a regular habit of being open and honest and practice not judging your partner for his or her mistakes, you build trust and practice vital communication skills that will help you through any obstacles you may face. Not only that, but in providing and receiving support in spite of your flaws, you and your partner will each feel more comfortable broaching other sensitive topics.

Final Thoughts

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country, and by just winging it, your risk of becoming yet another unfortunate statistic is high. To reiterate, it’s vital to approach your partner and this discussion with patience and acceptance, and to have a little courage yourself. We all have demons and for many of us, those demons have to do with money. If you want to keep yours from ravaging your love life, shine a light on them so you can see exactly what they’re doing and stop problems before it’s too late.

This approach isn’t easy, but the rewards are substantial. And to do it successfully, be prepared to not only love and accept your partner, but more importantly, yourself.

Have you had the money talk with your partner? If not, what are you waiting for?

Holly Mangan is a managing editor for Money Crashers Personal Finance, a resource that discusses important topics such as money management, smart spending, and relationships.

But you do have various helpful options. Below, clinicians share, in no particular order, what you can do if you can’t afford treatment.

1. Check with your insurance.

“If you have insurance, ask your insurance plan to give you a list of providers who are either in your geographic area or who specialize in the issue you are seeking help with,” said Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. You might only have to pay a small co-pay, he said.

However, even if your insurance doesn’t cover therapy, get the details on what they do cover, said Julie A. Fast, a coach and author of Get It Done When You’re Depressed. For instance, your policy might still include the words “social worker,” she said.

2. Try a training clinic.

Training clinics offer clients a sliding scale. They’re typically located in universities where graduate students prepare to become clinical or counseling psychologists, said Kevin L. Chapman, Ph.D, a psychologist and associate professor in clinical psychology at the University of Louisville. There, he said, students are “trained and supervised by licensed psychologists who typically have years of experience with specific mental health conditions.”

3. Try a community mental health center.

“Community mental health centers provide free or low-cost therapy options and services covered by Medicaid insurance,” said Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist and blogger at Psych Central. To find a center, search using Google or look at your state government website for the Department of Human Services, she said.

4. Read self-help books.

“Books are my first recommendation,” Fast said. Along with her book, Get It Done When You’re Depressed, she also suggested “the rather esoteric The Four Agreements for personal development [and] The Idiot’s Guide to Controlling Anxiety.”

You also can contact a local therapist for book recommendations for your specific concern, Olivardia said. “It can help narrow down the options and allow you to focus on quality resources,” he said.

5. Attend support groups. 

Support groups typically are free or at least more affordable than individual therapy. They may be run by mental health professionals or peers. Always ask a therapist if they also offer lower-cost group sessions, Fast said. (“Groups can be a lot less expensive if they accept cash,” she said.)

She suggested attending moderated support groups. “I always stress that groups that are run by the people in the group rarely work. It should be a structured system where a dispassionate person runs things. Otherwise it can just be a complaining session,” Fast said.

The great thing about groups is meeting other people who are struggling with similar issues, which can create “a safe, validating space,” Olivardia said.

Learn more about support groups in your area by visiting NAMI and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Also, consider organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Consider, too, online support groups, such as one of the 180+ mental health support groups here at Psych Central.

6. Ask about discounted rates.

“Cash is often more lucrative than going through the whole paperwork insurance thing,” Fast said. As such, some therapists might offer discounts. For instance, Fast’s therapist typically charges $200 an hour, but she worked with Fast for $50 an hour for a year.

Fast suggested asking clinicians the following questions: “If I don’t have insurance, do you have a cash policy?” Or, “I’m looking for a therapist but am on limited funds. Do you have any discount programs or a group available?” If they don’t, they might be able to refer you to a practitioner who does, she said.

7. Re-evaluate your expenses.

“There are some situations where ‘can’t afford’ is really about priorities,” Hanks said. Consider if you can reorganize your budget to accommodate therapy.

“I’ve worked with clients who ‘can’t afford’ my services but highly value therapy and choose to go without other things because they “can’t afford” not to be in therapy,” she said.

8. Check out podcasts and videos.

Fast also recommended self-help podcasts and videos, such as TED talks on YouTube. “They are very inspirational and have good advice,” she said. When searching for podcasts on iTunes, consider terms such as therapy or personal growth, she said. “I know this is not like seeing a therapist, but I believe that self growth requires personal time as well. It doesn’t all have to be about psychology either,” she said.

9. Visit websites for your particular concern.

“When an individual is privy to their mental health needs — [such as] ‘I’m having panic attacks’ or ‘I think I have OCD’ — landing on an association’s website can be ideal,” Chapman said.

For instance, he said, if you’re struggling with anxiety, you can find valuable resources at the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Anxiety and Depression Association of America and the International OCD Foundation.

There is also a wealth of information at Psych Central about self-help techniques, treatments, and books to check out. You can start by looking-up your mental health condition here.

10. Consult your congregation.

“If you belong to a religious congregation, talk to your preacher, pastor, or priest about your need and see if your church offers therapy services or is willing to help pay for therapy,” Hanks said.

11. Consider body therapy.

“Don’t forget body therapy… including chiropractic and massage,” Fast said. Schools usually charge small fees for services given by their students, she said.

As Olivardia said, “Nothing is more important than your physical and mental health.” If self-help resources and groups aren’t working, consider the price of not seeking professional help – because that might be steeper.

“Consider that there are costs for not getting treatment such as lost wages for missing work, strain on family relationships, and quality and length of your life,” Hanks said.

Unfortunately, for many, the answer is a resounding “no.” Hordes of college grads have not acquired any skills that will enable them to get a decent job. And if that weren’t bad enough, they’re saddled with a mountain of debt that will be an albatross around their neck for decades to come.

With no prospects for the future, is it any wonder that so many college grads feel lost? This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. Higher education was supposed to be the best investment one could make to guarantee a solid future. Often they feel cheated, left asking “now what?”

Dumped into adulthood, with no job prospects, many decide to double down on their education. Go to grad school. Get an advanced degree. But will more education pay off? Or will it simply dig a deeper debt hole? No guarantee. Even many with graduate degrees are unemployed or underemployed.

The importance and value of a college education has been sacrosanct. But things change. It takes a while for people to get used to the change. Remember when owning a home was the guaranteed path to building financial security? Paying rent was supposed to be throwing money down the drain. Then came the housing bubble. And we all know how that story turned out for scores of homeowners.

Might it now be time to openly question the value of a college education? With the walloping nonstop increase in tuition costs, it sure seems like we’ve entered an education bubble. It’s likely to leave many in mega-debt, with no prospect for even a ho-hum career. Latest reports indicate that 53 percent of recent college grads are either unemployed or working at a job that does not require a college degree. There are more than 100,000 janitors in the U.S. with college degrees and 16,000 parking lot attendants.

Clearly, many families need to consider other types of post-secondary education for their kids. Perhaps learning a marketable trade is the way to go. There will always be a need for auto mechanics, electricians, carpenters, beauticians, makeup artists, and workers with other hands-on skills. These jobs will not disappear and cannot be shipped overseas. Or, one might consider investing in a small business or franchise. Become an entrepreneur. Pursue your culinary skills. Follow your artistic dreams. Or, don’t attend college as a four-year vacation with beer parties, drug parties, hooking up and easy courses as the main attraction. Instead, pursue your degree with the primary goal of learning marketable skills.

But what about the idea of education for education’s sake? Isn’t that what college is supposed to be about – making you smarter, more savvy, more cosmopolitan? Ideally, yes. However, in today’s world, anyone who wishes to become smarter and savvier does not need to attend college. The Internet can provide you with an amazing low-cost or free education. Several companies, including Coursera and Khan Academy, offer lectures taught by world-class professors. You can learn at your own pace, test your knowledge, and reinforce concepts through interactive exercises. Curious about what makes good people do bad things? Go online to TED talks for free lectures from top researchers in the field. Get started with a talk by Dr. Phil Zimbardo and you’ll be hooked.

Even Ivy League schools offer free courses. Yes, prestigious universities like Stanford, Yale, Princeton and MIT offer the same courses with the same professors that college students spend thousands of dollars to take. For free.

The catch? You don’t get college credit. But you will get an education. And you can use the money that would have been spent on getting a degree to launch your career and move out of your parents’ house before you turn 30

There are choices to be made, folks. Don’t automatically assume that going into debt for a college education is the only or best way to create a first-class future. There are many options out there. Consider them before deciding what to do.

The dinner progressed smoothly, and when the check came (nobody really splurged, so it wasn’t super expensive), I did the whole “let me sift through my bag routine.”

Seconds went by, a couple of minutes probably passed, but I did not hear the “oh, don’t worry, I got it” line that I expected him to deliver. It was then when I realized that he was most definitely not going to pay the bill, and I would have to meet him halfway. I hid the embarrassment as best I could, but I couldn’t help but feel weirded out.

Are guys really no longer paying for the first date? Is this a thing?

While I’m all for the feminist movement and equality regarding women’s rights, I secretly shudder when I hear that rhetoric as the reason why chivalry is dead — as if just because it’s 2012 and our society has progressed in terms of gender equality, men no longer have to go the extra mile to take initiative. Paying for the first date is a reflection of the guy’s character; it demonstrates respect, common courtesy, and his ability to be a gentleman.

Dr. Carole Lieberman, interviewed for the Mintlife blog, is adamant about why men should pay on the first date.

“There are certain psychological and biological factors that have created long-standing traditions, and those are the natural ways the sexes should treat each other,” she says. “The man should be the knight, and the woman should be the princess. People say that sounds quaint and old-fashioned, but fairy tales come from the collective unconscious society.”

Lieberman even asserts that when men don’t pay for their date, it speaks to their emotional tendencies as well. “If he pays on the first date that is a good indication he will be generous with his love and attention in a relationship.”

Now of course there are usually two sides to every story. What’s the male perspective on the question of payment? According to a recent survey, only one-third of the men who were polled said they’d pay for that first rendezvous. More than half said “going Dutch on a first date is fair,” and most men said they would ask for a “contribution from their date.”

A spokesperson for the site that conducted the survey reported that results were linked to a financial rationale. “This may sound a little unromantic, but our poll has revealed that, for many, they simply don’t have as much cash as they may once have … and therefore are keen to ensure their spending doesn’t spiral.”

The survey continues to showcase the male point of view, with one in five men saying they’d be glad to pay for parts of the night, “but forking out money for the whole evening is out of the question.” While 5 percent of the men polled said they’d be happy for the woman to take the whole bill, 91 percent (that’s huge!) said they’d even leave a bad date early to save money.

“Increasing financial pressure was cited as the number one reason behind the decision,” the spokesperson noted. However, many of those polled stated that they felt it was unfair, or even a little embarrassing to pay for the date.

So what do you think? Should men still be expected to pay for the first date?

For me it’s symbolic of their character and speaks to romance — hopefully that’s still alive? If expenses are an issue, they certainly don’t have to ask to wine and dine expensively. I’d just hope that if they do ask a girl to go out and about, they’d take that tiny additional step in saving her from the “sifting through the bag routine.”