In her book Crafting Calm: Projects and Practices for Creativity and Contemplation, Oman Shannon quotes the 20th-century Catholic priest Henri Nouwen, who said, “Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love.”

Oman Shannon believes the same can be said about the creative life. Through creating, she writes, “we can enter the stillness that characterizes prayer and the ‘house of love.’ We can open ourselves and experience spaciousness.”

In Crafting Calm, Oman Shannon shares a variety of creative activities, stories and resources that help readers relax, comfort ourselves, get clarity and connect with others. Ultimately, connecting to our creativity can help us connect to our spirituality. In other words, crafting can become a spiritual practice.

Here are three exercises from her book to bring you calm and comfort and help you connect to your spirituality.

Prayer Garden

“Gardening is a wonderful practice for bringing one back to the present moment,” Oman Shannon writes. She suggests creating a prayer garden with plants that are meaningful to you.

If you follow a specific religion, you might pick the plants that are mentioned in your favorite passages of your holy book. For instance, the Old and New Testaments include lilies, papyrus and olive. Once you choose your plants, you can create labels that include those passages.

When creating your garden, Oman Shannon suggests pondering these additional questions: “What do particular scents – lavender, rose, peppermint – remind me of? What fragrances, or scents, do I need to surround myself with right now? What would calm me and why? What in my life feels sweet right now? Spicy? Energizing? Calming?”

According to Oman Shannon, whatever approach or shape your garden takes, there are important lessons to be learned. “Whether we create a simple prayer garden, consciously choose outdoor plants that remind us of the ancient wisdom in the Scriptures, or work with herbs in a windowsill, we will be rewarded with nourishment from nature and the lessons nature can teach us.”

Portable Shrine

A portable shrine can serve as a comforting tool, which soothes your mind and heart, Oman Shannon writes. You might not know it but you’re probably carrying around a portable shrine right now. Oman Shannon notes that a shrine could be anything from “a sacred symbol on a keychain” to “a collection of photographs of your beloveds on an iPhone.”

Cultures all over the world use shrines, and they do so in unique ways. In Central and South American countries, people use tiny matchboxes. Oman Shannon bought one with a “worry doll,” a clay angel pendant and a red seed. On the matchbox, it says, “There are moments in which you need a peaceful vibe, a touch of good luck, and someone to tell your worries to. Use this emergency kit to balance those tough moments! An angel for peaceful thoughts, a Lucky Bean and a Worry Doll.”

When creating your own portable shrine, Oman Shannon suggests considering what brings you the most comfort and what would symbolize that best.

Affirmation Blanket

All of us, Oman Shannon writes, have some sort of “blankie” that brings us comfort, whether it’s a sweatshirt or specific throw. Years ago, she bought a blanket for her young daughter that includes phrases such as “I am filled with unlimited possibilities,” “I am a true miracle” and “I am a bright light in the world.”

Her daughter not only sees these words (which serve as an important reminder), but she also feels them, “as they are in every way wrapped around her.”

Oman Shannon believes that our need for these words and blankets doesn’t dissipate as we get older. “…[I]f anything, we perhaps need them more as we navigate a world that doesn’t stop to communicate what a bright light we are in it.”

Depending on your expertise, you can create an affirmation quilt or embroider your affirmations into a pillowcase or other lightweight fabric. Or you can use fabric paint or pens on a fleece blanket.

When considering what words to pick, Oman Shannon suggests asking these questions: “What words will serve as your strength, your shield, at this time in your life? What words comfort you; what words do you need to wrap yourself up in right now – literally?”

Creativity offers a bounty of benefits. By using our hands to craft meaningful objects and environments, we can soothe ourselves and cultivate a spiritual practice.

– Bosses who seem clueless to your job requirements; colleagues who can’t relate to you (or vice versa); the stress of deadlines and dissatisfaction of being in a job you are not even sure you belong in.

- Family members who throw plans into disarray, disregard you and have you questioning your commitment (as well as your sanity). Perhaps adult siblings who ask for money or come to you for advice, only for you to soon find yourself involved in maddening family triangles, or aunts and uncles who pull you into long-entrenched but silly feuds.

- Then of course there are friends who you would like to shake to knock some sense or self-reflection into.

Get the picture?

How do you cope with the trials and tribulations of being human and having to live and work among others? Laugh it off? (That’s a good element, actually.)

Acceptance, compromise, courage when really required — these are all noble and important and at the far other end of the spectrum from laughter.

But the balm that beats all, for the problems that really plague us interpersonally and professionally, is self-development. Nothing sends challenges packing quicker than a little introspection and self involvement. (No, not narcissistic self involvement.)

All the above-mentioned challenges and more can temporarily vanish, periodically dissipate and just plain lose their grip on what you see as as your life and identity with some sense of self worth. Simply finding ourselves behind the mess that often is the outer world — our chaotic office space, our cluttered family room, our ugly political arenas — can make all that other stuff take the side or back seat that it really should be occupying.

If your life really is a big mess due to situations beyond your control, then you can create an internal space that can stimulate you, be your harbor and even guide your larger path professionally.

What calms you? Woodworking, walks in the woods, gardening, hanging with your dog or cat, playing music, painting, delving into family history, learning another language, exploring new sites? Figure out what is your balm. You’ll probably find your self in the process, and be on the way toward alleviating the messes of life and much more.

What fascinates and passionately motivates you? Maybe it’s one of those items mentioned above as calming agents. Or maybe it’s tinkering with mechanical systems, live theater, jogging, studying the stars, writing poetry, working with youth, coming up with new theories for work challenges, organizing spaces, coordinating people and projects.

What makes you tick is what takes you away from troubles. Go toward it. You will be going toward a larger sense of your life and self.

You may already know what grounds you and what energizes you but apply them far too infrequently in your life. Increase it, if even in small increments.

Surprise may come. Did we forget about all that described dysfunction and trouble? No, it is still there, likely. But you have assigned its place in the larger sense of who you are. By going toward calm and captivating experiences, you’ll be shocked to discover previous personal pain alleviated in the moment, stings of rejection at work or indecision on home matters lessened, the itch quieted of desiring something more but not knowing what in your career. By this new “escape” from the mess, you just may find solutions to those larger matters at play in your life, as well — all by reflecting and acting on your self.

Mindfulness meditation is currently all the rage, and it works. But I am wary of its proponents who claim it can treat (or even cure) mental illness by itself.

Meditation is a powerful tool when used to decrease stress and increase well-being. But if we are to maintain that mental illnesses are biochemical malfunctions of the brain and nervous system, then we must allow room in treatment for medicine. Therapy also has a long history of positive impact on the lives of those challenged by psychiatric disease. Meditation, when added to more traditional and well-tested methods of treatment, can help a patient successfully manage a challenging life. I, and so many others like me, am proof of that.

I am sure that there are people who face serious mental illness well using only meditation. Dan Siegel writes of one teenager who manages bipolar disorder with meditation alone in his excellent book Mindsight.

But the popularization of such case studies may lead people to stop taking medication and pick up meditation in a hope to finally be done with meds. Anyone who hopes for this and changes his own medication regimen without proper medical oversight is asking for relapse and worse.

Another book on the benefits of meditation, Transcendence, by Norman E. Rosenthal, clearly states that meditation for mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia should only be administered in conjunction with medication and therapy and should be monitored by a physician. I believe this more balanced view will help more people manage the symptoms of mental illness successfully.

Since I have become a disciplined meditator I have had little difficulty with my bipolar disorder. It is only natural to wonder if I could manage as well if I continued to meditate and came off the drugs. In fact, it is very tempting.

But my doctor advises me not to and, after much reflection and concern for my family, I agree. Just as I couldn’t manage this well without the meditation, much research evidence supports the idea that I couldn’t manage without the medication either. I’m not willing to take the chance.

Every person with mental illness to whom I have taught meditation has asked me if I think serious mental illness can be cured. At this point, with what science has discovered, I don’t. But it can be managed, and managed well, if meditation is added to the medical model of drugs and therapy.

Just as the person with diabetes will take insulin indefinitely, I must continue to take my medicine. And just as one with diabetes must adopt a healthy lifestyle to best complement her medication, the person with mental illness must as well. What I am sure of is that meditation is one of the best complements available.

So what is alternative treatment? You may already have some experience with the most popular, according to the Monitor on Psychology. Meditation, biofeedback, hypnosis and progressive muscle relaxation are all popular complementary or alternative psychological treatments. 

Although you may be familiar with the most popular, there are dozens of alternative and complementary treatments, which typically fall into four categories:  mind-body medicine, biologically-based practices, manipulative and body-based practices and energy medicine.

The Monitor article reports that, although these, and many other, alternative and complementary treatments have been around for thousands of years, the National Institute of Health (NIH) has been studying their usefulness, safety and role in improving health and health care for only a little more than a decade.

But many people embrace these treatments and are visiting alternative medicine practitioners more frequently than they visit their primary care doctors.  And these treatments are big business. A 2007 study found that $34 billion is spent each year on products and services for alternative and complementary medicines.

Continued research on the effectiveness of these treatments is ongoing and crucial.  However, current research suggests that many are effective for treating a wide range of problems, ailments and disorders.

There are too many to document in one post, but the following are the top 4 according to frequency of use, as reported in the Monitor.

1. Dietary Supplements.

Dietary supplements are used to promote general health, as well as to improve depression and anxiety and to decrease pain.  Common supplements reported in the Monitor include ginkgo biloba, St. John’s wort and vitamin supplements.  Although regulated by the FDA, they are held to very different quality standards than more conventional medicines.

• Caution: The FDA does not review the safety and effectiveness of any supplement before it is sold to consumers.  Supplements can vary widely from brand to brand and may interact with other medications. They should not be used without the knowledge of a physician.

2. Meditation.

Meditation is a process in which people learn to focus their attention in a particular way and on purpose.  It is used to treat a variety of symptoms, including high blood pressure, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, stress and insomnia.  It is also used to promote general health and well-being.

Meditation is integrated into many psychological treatments and practices with positive results; however, there are no formal qualifications necessary to practice it.  It is important that those who use this method receive appropriate training.

3. Chiropractic.

Chiropractic physicians use noninvasive treatments, such as spinal manipulations or chiropractic adjustments, with the aim of improving nerve and organ functioning by aligning spinal vertebrae.  These treatments are used to treat an array of ailments, from pain and headaches to stress and ADHD, among others.

Becoming a chiropractic physician requires several years of graduate work.  Most psychologists are unlikely to hold a chiropractic degree and, if they did, it would not be appropriate to serve as both a psychologist and chiropractor for the same client.

4. Aromatherapy.

Aromatherapy uses smells and aromas naturally extracted from plants to balance, harmonize and promote health of mind, body and spirit.  It is used clinically to relieve symptoms typically addressed in psychotherapy; holistically, to improve overall well-being; and aesthetically, in various oils and skin care products.

The Monitor cites recent research that indicates that aromatherapy can help treat pain, anxiety and agitation specific to dementia.  However, while certification is not required, it is recommended.  There are also risks related to toxicity, skin irritation and dosing regulations that require a competent professional to oversee, the article states.

Reference

Barnett, J.E., Shale, A.J.,(2013). Alternative Techniques.  Monitor on Psychology, 44(4).

There aren’t many jobs we sign up for in life where the stakes are as high as they are in parenting. We are suddenly required to be on call 24/7 without prior training, schooling, or mentoring. No matter how many books we have read, or how many children we have spent time with, we enter this job mostly ignorant of what it entails. Living outside of parenting and observing it is unfathomably different than living inside of it.

In our culture we like to “know” what we are doing. We read books, we do research, we seek control over our lives in myriad ways.

Good parenting, however, requires “don’t-know mind.” It is a letting go of preconceived ideas and a letting go of the notion that we have control over how things are.

While we might want to enter parenting with our answers in place, how can we know the answers before we have been “in” the experience? Parenting is a moment-to-moment dynamic relationship that involves environmental and situational variables as well as the child’s and parent’s ideas, thoughts, sensations and feelings.

As author Laura Davis put it:

As much as we might like to enter parenthood with all our answers, techniques, and strategies in place, doing so would mean building a system that fails to include the input of our children. Our ability to stay open, adaptable, and responsive necessitates that we don’t start with all the answers but that we dedicate ourselves to figuring them out along the way. (p. 27)

When we come from a place of certainty, we are not receptive to what stands outside of our preconceived ideas. If we enter parenting with a rigid stance about how things should be, we not only leave out the variable of who our children are and who they are becoming, but we cloud our ability to allow our children and our experience to be our teachers.

In human development, stasis means something has gone awry. It is an undesirable state. Growth and development can be derailed both by certainty and by the anxiety that can accompany doubt. Don’t be certain, don’t be in doubt? Then what guidelines should we follow? Here is where the teaching of “don’t-know mind” can be particularly useful. As the Buddhist teacher Suzuki Roshi said:

“Not-knowing does not mean you don’t know.” Not-knowing means not being limited by what we know, holding what we know lightly so that we are ready for it to be different. Maybe things are this way. But maybe they are not. (Quoted by Gil Fronsdale)

And as Fronsdale put it:

“The practice of not-knowing needs to be distinguished from confusion and debilitating doubt. Confusion is not a virtue: the confused person is somewhat lost and removed from life. With doubt, the mind is agitated or contracted with hesitation and indecision. These mind states tend to obscure rather than clarify.”

Fronsdale adds that while doubt and uncertainty are involuntary states, “don’t-know mind” is a conscious practice in which: “(We)…cultivate an ability to meet life without preconceived ideas, interpretations, or judgments.”

The wish to know is a natural human tendency. Having a path in mind is helpful since it highlights when we have veered away from the things that are most important to us. But holding our beliefs lightly, being willing to sit with the discomfort of not knowing may be equally important.

Babies seek to learn and grow even in the absence of our “stimulating” them. They learn from experience and are constantly experimenting with different ways of making sense of the world. Perhaps our challenge is to be more childlike ourselves, letting each new moment be different from the last, full of surprise, wonder, and sometimes fogginess.

Try these exercises to help you with don’t-know mind:

1. Notice thoughts of certainty as they arise and see if you can soften the edges. Try to remain open to the possibility of things being different and allowing your beliefs to shift.
2. Spend a few minutes observing a baby, witnessing their receptivity and openness to learning and growth.

References

Davis, L. (1997). Becoming the Parent You Want To Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years.

Fronsdal, G. Not-Knowing – Adapted from a public talk February 2004

This has made me wonder why we struggle to maintain those things in life that we know are good for us. In a world where choice is overwhelming, and access to possibilities via the Internet are creating an obsession with connectedness, it has become harder to stay focused. And it is through this hyper-connection to the external world that we are losing the connection to ourselves.

Meditation offers a way to unplug from the incessant stream of information and noise, whether external or internal, and be reminded that there is a place to reside that is beyond time and beyond needing to be somewhere else. Meditation brings us close to the simple miracle of consciousness without needing a tragic shakeup to get there.

How often do you stop in your day and feel gratitude for the mere fact that you can see? Did you actually taste the last meal you ate? Were you really listening to the last friend who was speaking to you, or were you already thinking about what you wanted to say next?

Why does all this matter?

It matters because losing connection with ourselves and our life purpose creates stress and puts us at risk of depression which, according to the World Health Organization, is predicted to become the second-largest health problem in the world by 2030. Meditation is one way that we can stay anchored to ourselves. It is an antidote to the rocket-like speed of technology, which is a wonderful resource but can also be an insidious distraction from the moment.

There are many myths surrounding meditation. There are also many different forms of meditation. One thing they have in common, no matter which meditation you practice, is that there is no such concept as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditator. It is the world of duality, the good and the bad, that meditation helps us transcend, even for a few moments.

Next time you sit to meditate and think you are doing it badly, pose a question: Who is thinking the thought ‘I am doing it badly’? Where did that thought actually come from? Try turning your attention for a moment to the space from which thoughts emerge.

It’s tricky at first. Bring a thought to mind intentionally, such as ‘this is the mind.’ Keep your attention in this space and watch as the thought dissolves back into that space of awareness — a space that is beyond thoughts, but is still you.

This ‘I’ that we so strongly believe to be ourselves, that we so strongly identify with, is like the frothy pollution that floats atop the vast, expansive sea of our consciousness. As meditation deepens, we take a deep dive beyond the superficial mental chitchat and reach a place that is peaceful, still and grounded.

Exhaling as if it were our last breath, we are brought into the miracle of being alive — nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be.

More than one third of U.S. adults currently are obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Physicians and other health care professionals urge us to lose weight or risk becoming vulnerable to a host of diseases, including diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease. Weight loss has become a national conversation.

On an individual basis, most of us either have tried to lose weight or are actively engaged in maintaining a healthy weight.  Why we struggle with weight and how best to lose weight are hotly debated topics.  The nation’s current weight struggles have been attributed to a range of biological, societal and personal problems such as unhealthy school lunches, media advertising, too much corn and corn syrup in our diets, sugar substitutes, lack of willpower, overreliance on fast and prepackaged foods and many more.

But what gets in the way of your ability to lose weight?

Is it lack of time to prepare healthy meals?  Lack of willpower to stick to a healthy eating and exercise routine?  The intense influence of advertisements urging you to eat unhealthy foods?  Lack of interest? Not knowing how to lose weight?

The answer, according to a new survey of psychologists suggests that when it comes to dieting, weight loss and weight gain, emotions play a central role and may be the primary obstacle to weight loss.

Have you ever felt guilty after eating a cookie and then decided to eat the whole box, since you’d already blown your diet? Have you felt low and skipped exercise? Then you’ve experienced emotions interfering with your weight loss.

If we were merely cognitive beings, we’d eat the cookie, evaluate how it affects our daily calorie intake, and make adjustments to get back on track.

But we’re not merely cognitive beings. According to the survey of more than 1,300 licensed psychologists, conducted by the Consumer Reports National Research Center, understanding and managing the behaviors and emotions related to weight management is essential to weight loss.

In fact, emotional eating was considered a barrier to 43 percent of people who wanted to better manage their weight.  And it’s not just emotional eating.  Emotions can interfere with maintaining a regular workout routine and making healthy food choices.

Getting Help for Weight Loss

So what can you do, if you’ve tried to eat healthy and exercise regularly and found that it’s just not working? 

More than 70 percent of the psychologists who provide weight loss treatment identified several key treatments and strategies for addressing the underlying emotional issues related to weight gain.  Those strategies considered “excellent” included:

• Cognitive therapy: a treatment that helps people identify and address negative thoughts and emotions that can lead to unhealthy behaviors
• Problem-solving:   Finding alternate solutions to setbacks, changes and obstacles
• Mindfulness:  Using strategies to allow thoughts and emotions to come and go without judging them, and instead concentrate on being aware of the moment

Also considered important in helping clients to lose weight and keep it off were the following:

• Motivational strategies
• Keeping behavioral records
• Goal-setting

Although weight problems may be caused by an array of biological, emotional, behavioral and environmental issues, it has become clear that stress and emotions play a central role in our ability to manage our weight.  Without strategies to recognize emotional triggers and respond to our emotions effectively, we are likely to continue to struggle with our weight and health.

It could be anything from a tantrum-throwing toddler to a broken appliance to a family crisis to an eleventh-hour project at work, she said.

But even on the days when you’re not putting out fires, peace might still be missing. Below, you’ll find tips for creating calm every day and finding peace in stressful situations.

1. Remember thoughts are not facts.

Our thoughts are highly influential in determining how we feel throughout the day. Fortunately, we’re not shackled to negative cognitions. “Thoughts are just thoughts,” Naumburg said. They’re “the result of neurons firing for reasons we may never understand.”

When any kind of thought arises, you can decide what to do with it. “You might want to explore [your thoughts] or act on them, or you might want to let them go and move on. You can decide.”

2. Make alone time a priority.

“We too often take for granted the importance of alone time,” said L. Kevin Chapman, Ph.D, a psychologist and associate professor in clinical psychology at the University of Louisville, where he studies and treats anxiety disorders. This might be because being alone gets confused with being lonely, he said.

But many solitary activities can soothe you (and help you cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself). “One can engage in an assortment of activities alone to remain at peace throughout the day such as exercise, reading, listening to music [and] prayer,” Chapman said. Here are more ideas on savoring solitude.

3. Focus on your breath.

There are many ways you can use your breath to bring peace, even when you’re anxious. One way is to simply “pay attention to your breathing,” Naumburg said. “You don’t have to do anything or change anything, just pay attention to your breath going in and out — either by noticing your belly rising and falling, or feeling your breath move in and out of your nose.”

Another way is to practice diaphragmatic breathing twice a day, Chapman said. “Breathe slowly through your nose — your stomach should expand – and exhale slowly through your mouth. Think ‘1’ as you inhale and “relax” as you exhale [very slowly]. Think ‘2’ as you inhale and ‘relax’ as you exhale,” all the way up to 10.

4. Focus on your body.

Many of us live in our heads, ruminating about the past and rattling off tasks we have to do in the future. This is anything but peaceful. And it can mean we forget about our bodies.

As Jeffrey Brantley, M.D., and Wendy Millstine, NC, write in their book Five Good Minutes In Your Body: 100 Mindful Practices to Help You Accept Yourself & Feel At Home in Your Body, “Where is your body in all this thinking?”

It’s probably pretty tense. And it’s hard to feel tranquil when your body is uptight. Dr. Brantley and Millstine suggest the following for listening to your body and attending to your needs:

1. “Take this quiet moment to really pay attention to your physical body.

2. What is your body doing right now? Are you slouching, at ease, or tense?

3. If your body had a voice, what would it say to you? Would it remind you of your lower back pain? Would it ask you to do a few stretches to unwind and relax? Maybe it is asking you to sit upright and uncross your legs. Maybe your eyes are tired after staring at a computer screen all day and they need a break.”

5. Begin your day with calm.

Mornings can set the tone for the rest of your day. Taking a few minutes each morning to focus on self-care “can make a huge difference in your ability to respond gracefully to whatever comes your way,” Naumburg said.

For instance, you might take that time to meditate, journal or savor a cup of tea or coffee, she said. Whatever you do, just “Resist the temptation to watch the news, check email, or write out your to-do list; you will have plenty of time for that later in the day.”

6. Avoid mindlessly surfing social sites.

As Naumburg said, does your online social life stress you out, or help you stay connected? It’s a key question because for many people social sites sap their calm, and instead rev up their self-doubt and insecurities.

“Notice the impact of your social surfing, and if it’s actually making you feel worse, try to give yourself a break.” For instance, Naumburg suggested asking yourself: Am I constantly comparing myself to my “friends?” Do I judge myself or feel increasingly isolated when I visit these websites?

7. STOP.

“The STOP technique is just an easy way to create a little space in the midst of whatever is going on, so you can get some perspective on the situation and make a choice as how to you want to respond,” Naumburg said.

STOP stands for: Stop, Take a breath, Observe and Proceed.

The more you practice this technique, the more natural — and automatic — pausing becomes. For instance, instead of lashing out at others, and increasing everyone’s stress levels, you’ll be able to stop, calm down and assess the situation.

How do you find peace in your day?
What helps you stay calm?

Yes, I have been scattered, unkempt, flighty, undependable, and absent. But I have also, at times, been able to carry out with incredible focus to minute detail tasks that I could never stick with if not at least mildly manic.

While the energy to work and the attention to detail did not always congeal on a reasonable or desirable task, the results were often impressive.

But then, I’ve also spent an awful amount of time lying around doing nothing. Not contemplating, not planning, not even daydreaming. Just depressed. Could there be a way to predict moods? A way to harness and apply a disciplined approach to managing symptoms?

Too often we equate discipline with punishment or control. But The American Heritage Dictionary offers the first definition of discipline as training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

Viewed in this way, discipline can be very positive. Self-discipline can lead to self-improvement. A regular meditation practice is a tremendous exercise in self-discipline. And this self-discipline can help one to manage and even predict difficult times with mental illness.

Mindfulness meditation, for most practitioners, is about cultivating an ability to stay aware of the present moment in order to manage stress. But for those suffering from a chronic illness, it can also be diagnostic.

Prior to becoming a meditator, I all too often found myself in the midst of a hypomanic or manic episode, unaware how things had gotten so carried away. While meditating, however, I can sense the very small changes in mood that signal an oncoming episode.

Thoughts, emotions, and behavior patterns often become clear during meditation sessions. Fleeting, disorganized thoughts, looming grandiosity, and kinks in self-control can all pass unnoticed in a busy schedule. Soon, the negative symptoms have grown so large that positive behavior is buried by irresponsibility and self-destruction.

But if I take time to stay present each day, and to remove myself for a time from the onslaught of distractions in life, early clues of changing behavior become apparent.

Once a pending episode is revealed, adapting to and preventing further behavior changes can be handled by avoiding stressful situations, getting enough sleep, rallying friends and family, and calling the doctor (if necessary). A plan previously put in place to best handle oncoming episodes can be carried out, and a major episode can be avoided.

Used this way, meditation not only affords a way to manage stress, but it provides a tool to manage changes in mood and breaks in rational thinking. Meditation can help both diagnose and manage the symptoms of chronic illness.

The one thing about life that is certain is its unpredictability. Nothing stays the same forever. Every day we are bombarded with new stimuli, new challenges and new events.

For some of us, unpredictability creates a state of panic; it keeps us up at night and distracts us from enjoying the world around us. People like being in control of their social world and vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness.

Uncertainty is so abhorred that Berger and Calabrese (1975) proposed the uncertainty reduction theory. The theory asserts that the anxiety created by uncertainty of the social world motivates people to reduce and avoid uncertainty.

So how can we better navigate around life’s inevitable detours?

Most of us are taught the importance of planning, being highly structured and organized. We have at our disposal copious technological devices designed to ensure that we stay on the right track within the right time frame. While spontaneity remains the spice of life, we relish existing within the confines of predictability (a safe and comfortable environment). Life, however, takes its own twists and turns, and for good reason. If it did not, we would quickly get bored.

I once encountered a woman suffering from severe depression. In her early 30s, she stated that her life is nothing like she imagined it would be. She revealed all her expected dreams and aspirations in a wonderfully detailed timeline. However, she despaired over all the obstacles, setbacks and wrong turns she had taken that have “prevented” her from achieving her dreams.

I asked her “if you were driving to town, and there was a roadblock, what would you do? Would you stay at the roadblock until the road was repaired, then proceed to drive to your destination?” With a confused expression she vehemently stated that she would have done the most sensible thing: “Find another route.”

It is easy to become discouraged when things do not go according to plan. We all want things to turn out perfectly. But, just as we won’t sit by a roadblock waiting for the road to open, we should not sit at life’s roadblocks and despair about how difficult or unfair life is. There is always more than one way to get from point A to point B.

Erikson speaks about this in the last stage of his psychosocial theory of development. When we look back at our life, how are we going to see it? We have two options: We can anguish over all the obstacles and roadblocks that came our way, or we can enjoy the scenery of different routes, take pictures along the way, meet new people, develop new skills and practice acceptance.

How can we challenge ourselves to enjoy the scenery of a detour?

1. Be flexible.Make plans but do not ever cast them in stone. Leave room for life’s curveballs. From an evolutionary perspective we are designed to be able to adapt. Use this to your full advantage.
2. Increase coping skills.Consciously engage in activities that increase your ability to cope with uncertainty, e.g. finding humor in situations.
3. Determine the controllable vs. uncontrollable events.Do not ruminate on events that are beyond your control. Focus instead on the events in your life that you can control and practice acceptance of those that you cannot.
4. Meditate. The positive benefits of meditation cannot be overestimated. Meditation can create a state of calm and equanimity, decreasing your chances of experiencing panic in response to a detour.

Reference

Berger, C.R. & Calabrese, R.J. (1975). Some explorations in initial interaction and beyond: Toward a developmental theory of interpersonal communication. Human Communication Research, 1, 99-112.

While those areas certainly require attention, if we want to have lasting change, it’s our emotional health which needs to be explored. The challenge is that sometimes we become stuck emotionally — we seem to be treading water with our emotions instead of feeling them fully.

What can you do? Here are 8 ideas for how to become more emotionally unstuck in your life that I hope may help.

1. Sit down with yourself in a quiet place, without distractions.

Schedule the time on your calendar if you have to and keep it sacred. You want to start developing your inner voice. Then you have to listen to it, so that it will be directive and get you “unstuck” as you begin to identify what is going on inside yourself. You will find what is needed for healing and recovery. If you use these tools, you will learn to self-regulate and stay healthy on this journey of life.

2. Ask yourself what emotions possibly are under the surface.

You may not be conscious of them, but they should be uncovered after you have identified the primary emotions. For example, anger tends to mask the deeper emotions of fear or pain. Get as deep as possible. If you can’t come up with too many, observe yourself that week and then sit down again at the end of the week for another exploration session.<

3. Once you have identified the emotion, ask yourself again if you have really identified the root or are still on the surface.

If you feel depressed, see if there is also frustration or sadness to go with it. Be diligent in uncovering as many emotions as possible, as aerating a large field. You want all the emotions to be churned out of the earth so that fresh air can get to them.

4. You should have many emotions named at this point.

They are just sitting there on top of that open field. If you have the feeling of nakedness or exposure at this stage, that is normal. You have just dug up your dirt! Good for you — now you are on your way to planting seeds of change.

5. Take one emotion at a time and ponder it alone.

See if you can identify what is causing you to feel this way. This is not a time to settle on a quick answer; the earth has opened up and you need to look at the root of the plants that have surfaced. Sit there with the pain that some of the emotions will conjure up. Understand that you will be OK even though you feel pain. You are doing this in order to get free. The process is anything but easy.

6. If you need a break, save the other emotions for another quiet session.

Only take on what you can handle at a time. Identifying root causes will usually bring up new emotions, so understand this is also normal and that you are actually getting closer to healing once this happens.At this point, do not share any of your journey with anyone who is “unsafe,” only someone who can be trusted not to judge you. What you don’t want is someone to put a guilt trip on you while you are processing your feelings. You need to be very protective of yourself and possibly choose to isolate during this time until there is some marked healing.

7.Whether it’s taken two sessions or two months, you are seeing the root causes now.

You have identified that possibly there are changes that need to be made in some life area so that you don’t experience pain, sadness, frustration or whatever else was uncovered. This is the time to be brave! You want to use affirmations and make bold decisions. If you are allowing yourself to be in an abusive relationship, which can be emotional or physical, this is the time to break out. It will seem selfish at first but it is the ultimate unselfish act toward yourself.

8. Start to see yourself as one who can overcome obstacles and make changes to nourish your well-being.

If there is resistance in the other person with whom you’ve set a boundary, just explain that you are doing something necessary to your health and you are no longer defined by expectation.

Live the victorious life! Do not make excuses for taking time out for yourself or not wanting to do what others desire of you in only meeting their needs. You will be able to meet others’ needs once you’ve taken ample time to nourish yourself. Feel freedom and healing from having broken out from under the patterns that were so destructive and become the most beautiful self which you can attain!

Some things or people may not push your buttons that hard. Some just cause you to feel minor irritation, or give you that roll-your-eyes feeling.

Whatever the case, have you wondered why these actions or behaviors push those buttons? Better yet, do you know what those buttons are?

Recently, I’ve had my “inadequate” button pushed. Usually when that one gets pushed, it gets stuck, and it takes a long time to become “unstuck,” and everything around me seems to reinforce that feeling. I have, however, learned a couple valuable lessons and reminders from my recent experience. I will share some with you:

• I am good enough. I just need to remind myself of that daily.
• At times, the “it’s-not-me-it’s-you” attitude can be helpful.
• I do not have to absorb other people’s insecurities.
• Weak people need to hit you behind the knees in order to gain strength for themselves.
• When you do the best that you know you can, that is what matters.

What are some ways to cope with “button-pushers”? Here are a few things I have learned from my own experience:

1. Acknowledge it’s an uncomfortable feeling. Be aware of your buttons!There are times when we just have to be honest with ourselves and admit that the situation we are in, or the feelings we are experiencing, place us in a lousy spot. We can’t deal with something until we have named it. Name your bad situation!
2. Be willing to talk to someone about it. Not just anyone, but someone who is positive and at the same time, someone who you trust for good advice. Nothing sinks you further into the depths of emotional hell than talking to a “Debbie Downer” or that “Negative Nancy.” Some people never have anything positive or uplifting to say!On the other hand, we do not want to reach out to those who will take your situation and turn it into theirs. You know, the people who like to say “ugh, you think that’s bad, let me tell you about what happened to me!” This is not the time to be ignored or minimized.
3. Journal.There’s nothing better than writing down our thoughts and feelings and being able to reflect on them a couple of days later. It helps us observe our growth and find simple lessons. I will forever sail on the ship of journaling. It has personally rescued me from negative emotions and allowed me a nonjudgmental space to just let my thoughts and emotions flow. I trust my journal because it is a true reflection of my feelings, and it provides me with the forum to vent.
4. Think about why the button that was pushed made you so uncomfortable. I have learned that many times, the things that others do that irritate me are the things about myself that I am either working hard not to be or am struggling to change. Be mindful of your emotional reaction to others’ behavior. I have discovered that it teaches you a lot about yourself as well.
5. See what you can change to make yourself emotionally healthier. I love teaching my clients about being honest with themselves. It is important both for their relationships with others and with themselves. Honesty with self, I have realized, is a bit more challenging than being honest with others. We try to fool ourselves into believing that things are not as bad as they are, or add more to the situation than is necessary. Sometimes the best way to deal with our character defects is admitting that we can do something to assist the process of change, and that it does not have to be someone else’s responsibility.

Having said this, I am challenging myself to keep these things in mind next time my “button” is pushed. I will challenge myself always to find the positive in negative situations. Most important, I will try to remember that it is okay to have a bad day, because it makes the good days even better!

We’re hoping that you can join us for the first Psych Central Conference this coming June 3-4. It will be held at the UMass Lowell Inn & Conference Center, located in downtown Lowell, Massachusetts. Early-bird registration is now open, with a savings of $30 if you register before March 1.

The 2-day conference will highlight mental health, mindfulness, stress-relief, psychology and other self-help topics from a wealth of knowledgeable speakers from around the country. Workshops will be available in multiple tracks throughout both days, along with plenary sessions highlighting key topics each day.

We’ve posted some of the conference plenaries and general talks as well as the full list of conference workshops and presentations we’re hosting this year. It looks to be a packed conference, full of something for everyone!

Early-bird registration ends Feb. 28, so now’s a great time to register and save $30 off the price of a normal admission ticket.

Some of the speaker highlights include Therese Borchard, Katherine Stone, Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., Don MacMannis, Ph.D. and Debra Manchester MacMannis, Zoë Kessler, B.A., B.Ed. (Adult Education), Julie Hanks, LCSW, Candida Fink, MD, Joe Kraynak and of course, myself. It’s going to be a great time!

We’ve also added a one-day only ticket, for those of you who would like to attend only one of the two days.

The conference registration includes a free breakfast and lunch, access to all workshops and presentations on one or both days, a free t-shirt and other Psych Central goodies, and the chance to expand your personal horizons and meet a great set of people who want to do the same.

The conference is being held in downtown Lowell, Mass. at the University of Massachusetts – Lowell Inn & Conference Center. It’s just 40 minutes north of Boston, and is home to a lot of history and milltown character.

Register here today to let us know you’re going to be joining us for this historic, inaugural event!¹

1. Registration is completely risk-free, as you you’re entitled to a 100% refund if you cancel before May 1 (or, if for some reason, we need to cancel the conference).

Now, if you’re not someone who has struggled with chronic depression, those stats won’t warrant a happy dance.

But if you’re someone like myself, who assesses her mood before her eyes are open in the morning, hoping to God that the crippling anxiety isn’t there, then those numbers will have you singing Hallelujah.

They are better than the statistics released by a large, six-year, four-step government study called the Sequenced Treatment Alternatives to Relieve Depression trial, or STAR*D. STAR*D looked at the use of popular antidepressants in people with chronic, severe depression who do not respond to a particular drug and may suffer from multiple mental and physical disorders.

The researchers found that trying treatment options such as adding a second drug to a SSRI, switching to a new drug or a different class of drug, and waiting a full 12 weeks to assess results can lead to remission in symptoms in up to half of patients.

That’s not much to celebrate, in my opinion. Good news, but not great.

Folks trudging through the everyday muck of depression and pervasive, annoying, destructive, negative, intrusive thoughts need hope. Lots of it. Daily. Hourly. I know I did. And still do.

In March 2006, I had just finished trying the 23rd combination of mood stabilizers and antidepressants and I still wanted to die. That’s not to mention all the psychotherapy, mindful meditation, light therapy, rigorous exercise, yoga, fish oil, and other techniques I was trying. When my doctor threw out DePaulo’s numbers I did not believe them. However, about two months later, under her care, I was miraculously able to experience a day without any death thoughts. Nada.

The last 18 months have been somewhat of a rerun. I never fully recovered from a crash in August 2011, despite my wholehearted attempts at mindfulness and different kinds of therapy, 10 or so medication combinations, intense exercise, light therapy, diet changes and supplements. Some days were better than others, but I didn’t go much longer than 15 seconds without fighting a death thought. This ongoing silent battle inside my noggin made it very difficult to accomplish anything other than my necessary responsibilities, let alone open space in my life to have fun.

During the last few months, just as in 2006, I have been running dangerously low on hope.

In fact, I began to research transcranial magnetic stimulation, a procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. That and electroconvulsive therapy are the last-ditch efforts for those of us checking off double digits of medication combinations and every kind of alternative therapy out there. I was even mapping out my schedule as to how I would spend my morning for two and half months at Johns Hopkins Hospital and how I would explain this to my manager at work.

“Before we go there, let’s try one more combination,” my doctor recommended.

Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Like that’s going to make a difference.

I was wrong. It took the 11th or 14th, or whatever number combination it is, to give my tired brain a respite from the death dialogue, and the stamina I needed to push me into the real world again … so that I can practice mindful meditation in a way that doesn’t make me feel demoralized, or swim in the morning without having to hold back tears, or pursue a passion such as reaching out to those with depression — all of which are important facets to my recovery.

The 80-in-80 aren’t exactly statistics that you’ll hear promised in an ad for an antidepressant, but those numbers sure are chock-full of hope for this depressive. I hope they are for you too, and encourage you to keep on keeping on until you can keep on without quite as much effort.

But some calming activities don’t work for everyone.

For instance, some people are allergic to bath salts, while others can’t drink herbal tea because of possible drug interactions (e.g., blood thinners). Many of us also can’t afford manicures or massages. And most of us are pressed for time.

So we asked three experts for their take on how readers can truly soothe their minds and bodies without needing more money, time or anything else, for that matter. Below are 13 strategies anyone can use to comfort themselves when they’re having a bad day.

1. Stretch your body.

Anxiety tends to hijack the body. While everyone stores anxiety in different spots, common areas are the jaw, hips and shoulders, according to Anna Guest-Jelley, a body empowerment educator, yoga teacher and founder of Curvy Yoga. She suggested standing up and doing a full-body stretch. “Reach your arms overhead then slowly fold forward [and] slowly open and close your mouth as you do.”

2.Take a shower.

Taking a shower after a rough day always makes Darlene Mininni, Ph.D, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit, feel better. And she’s certainly not alone. Now research is illuminating why cleansing may wash away our woes.

Mininni cited this interesting review, which notes “a growing body of research suggests…after people cleanse themselves, they feel less guilty about their past moral transgressions, less conflicted about recent decisions, and are less influenced by recent streaks of good or bad luck.”

3. Visualize a peaceful image.

The image you pick can be anything from the sun to ocean waves to a furry friend, Guest-Jelley said. She suggested combining the visualization with breath, and repeating the sequence several times. As you inhale and reach your arms out in front of you, hold the image in your mind, she said. Then exhale and bring both hands to your heart, all the while thinking of the image, she said.

4. Speak compassionately to yourself.

Being self-compassionate boosts mental health, Mininni said. (Some research even suggests that it helps you reach your goals.) This means extending yourself some kindness as you would to a good friend, she said.

Unfortunately, being self-compassionate doesn’t come naturally to many of us. Fortunately, you can learn to treat yourself with consideration and care. Here are some ideas on being kinder to yourself and cultivating self-compassion.

5. Reach out.

Reach out to people you trust to support you. “We are wired to connect with others and to comfort each other through emotional and physical connection,” said Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist and blogger at Psych Central.

6. Ground yourself.

When stress strikes, some people feel lightheaded or like they’re floating outside their bodies, Guest-Jelley said. Making a point to feel your feet against the ground can help, she said. “Grounding your feet can bring you back into your body and help you navigate what you want to do next,” she said. “Visualize thick roots growing down from your feet into the center of the Earth, rooting you and giving you a firm foundation.”

7. Listen to soothing music.

“Create a playlist of soothing songs that help you to slow down or connect with memories or positive experiences,” Hanks said. We’ve mentioned before the benefits of listening to calming music. Pairing soothing tunes with deep breathing helps, too, according to one study, which found it lowered blood pressure.

8. Practice mindfulness.

To practice mindfulness, “You don’t need to sit like a pretzel,” Mininni said. Simply focus on what you’re doing right now, whether that’s washing the dishes, walking to your car or sitting at your desk, she said. Pay attention to the sights, scents and sounds surrounding you, she said.

For instance, if you’re washing the dishes, focus on the scent of the soap and the hot water cascading from the faucet and onto your hands, she said.

Mininni applies mindfulness to her feelings. In the moment, she asks herself what her emotion feels like. Doing this actually allows her to detach from her feelings and thoughts and simply observe them as if she were watching a movie. This helps you get out of your head and into your body, she said.

9. Move your body.

According to Hanks, “If you’re feeling tempted to engage in self-destructive behavior to calm down, engage in something positive and active, like exercise or playing a physical game.”

10. Picture the positive.

When we’re anticipating a potentially stressful situation, we start thinking of all the different ways it can go wrong. Again, you can use visualization to your advantage. “To pull yourself out of [an] internal dramalogue, try imagining the situation going well,” Guest-Jelley said. “Feel what you want to feel in the moment and see yourself disengaging from tricky conversations [and] situations,” she said.

11. Zoom out.

Look at the situation or stressor from a bigger perspective, Hanks said. “When you’re in the moment, current challenges seem enormous, but placing your situation into the ‘bigger picture’ of your life may help you realize that you may not need to give it so much emotional energy,” she said.

For instance, she suggested asking yourself: “Will this matter in one year? In fie years? When I reach the end of my life, how important will this situation be in retrospect?”

12. Practice alternate nostril breathing.

Breathing techniques are an instant way to soothe your body. Taking deep, slow breaths tells your brain that everything is OK, which then calms the rest of the body. Guest-Jelley suggested going through this series:

• Using your dominant hand, “make a U-shape with your thumb and pointer finger.
• If you’re using your right hand, press your right thumb into your right nostril, gently closing it. Inhale through your left nostril.
• Next, press your right index finger against your left nostril, closing it, as you release your thumb from the right nostril – allowing yourself to exhale through the right nostril.
• Repeat by inhaling through the right nostril, then closing it and exhaling through the left nostril.
• Continue like this for at least 10 full breaths.”

13. Let yourself feel bad.

Remember that you don’t have to fix your feelings right away. It’s important to have a toolbox of healthy strategies to turn to at any time. But don’t feel guilty for feeling bad or fault yourself if you aren’t seeing rainbows and unicorns.

Mininni stressed the importance of giving yourself permission to acknowledge and honor your feelings and stay with them. “Sometimes it’s OK to just say I’m having a really crappy day,” she said.

Plus, “Feelings have a purpose,” she said. They send us important messages that something isn’t quite right, she said. When you’re ready to feel better, then reach for a healthy strategy, she said.