But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.

The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”

If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:

• Why did you get divorced or breakup in the first place? Did you have a good reason? Will sex make that right?
• Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have fear of being alone?
• Are you or your partner using sex to try to keep the relationship going instead of facing the discomfort of ending?
• Will having sex muddy the waters? If you plan on moving on from your ex, being intimate with them means you’re not moving on.
• Is this an exclusive thing? Are you OK being a sex-buddy? Who else are they having sex with? Are you using protection?
• How will you feel if your partner tells you they’re seeing somebody else?

Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.

Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.

And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you’re drawn to bad boys.

What is it with this attraction? You can’t explain it. You just know you find a certain kind of guy alluring — even when you know (from experience) that the relationship will end badly.

Friends tell you that your new “great guy” is cocky, brash, foolhardy. But you have a different take on it. You view him as sooo masculine, exciting, unconventional — in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. No comparison to other guys. Yes, those other guys are nice, but oh, so boring. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping?

So what is the draw of the bad boy?

What makes them so attractive to many women, even addictive to some?

1. The bad boy is exciting.

   Life is never dull when you’re with him. You’re not quite sure what he’ll do or say next. He makes you laugh. He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.

2. The bad boy is no run-of-the-mill guy.

   He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on. It feels masculine. It feels powerful. It feels like how guys should be. Not wimpy — like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!

3. The bad boy is an enticing mix.

   He’s confident (he knows what he wants). He’s independent (he doesn’t care what others think). He’s a sweet talker (he knows how to get what he wants). He’s mysterious (you still can’t figure him out).

To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring the bad boy seems.

Only one problem — well, more than one, actually:

1. What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?

   He’s still into risky stuff when you’re long past that stage. What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked or just plain out ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Indeed, they seem all too familiar and dim-witted.

2. What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?

   His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him.

3. What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?

   When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behavior that used to excite you becomes behavior that creates anxiety for you?

Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.

In relationships, we all have our fights; and having the occasional heated debate between you and your significant other is even healthy.

But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the argument can quickly get out of hand.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match. Follow these ten tips for effective anger management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.

1. Know when to make an exit. 

Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.

2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. 

Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to ten. By the time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and what you want totally insignificant.”)

3. Change your focus. 

Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.

4. Evoke peace and laughter. 

Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.

5. Breathe deeply. 

Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner fire.

6. Relax your muscles. 

Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.

7. Put on a smile.

Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match.

8. Test the waters. 

Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.

9. Make agreements.

Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”

10. Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view. 

Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.

The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship problems.

Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships.

More life coach advice from YourTango:

• Life Coaches: Who We Are & What We Do
• Why Do I Need A Life Coach?
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It seems that there are many conflicting opinions on the roles of sex and intimacy within a relationship (and out of one, too).

It is difficult to really get to the bottom of this problem because no two people have exactly the same ideas on sex. In a traditional framework, sex would come with long-term commitment, or marriage, which would be associated with the couple having an intimate connection with each other (and usually wishing to procreate).

However, in an increasingly promiscuous society, the connection between sex and intimacy can be a tenuous one.

Sex without Love

Intimacy is at the heart of a strong relationship. Intimacy is about knowing someone deeply and being able to be completely free in that person’s presence. It is an emotional state that is often reserved for just one person. Ideally, sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy. It should come from a place of love and connection. Within a relationship the two are inextricably linked: intimacy builds sex and sex builds intimacy.¹

However, sex also is just a physical act. Within a relationship, sex is the most intimate act, but it can also be an act without consent, an act which is paid for, or a mere physical exchange. A one-night stand is a perfect example of sex without an intimate relationship. Both men and women can enjoy the sex of a one-night stand, but it is a physical act rather than a loving act.² On the other hand, it can be argued that there is nothing more intimate than vulnerably offering yourself to someone in the physical act of sex, therefore connecting the two terms again, even in the case of a one-night stand.

Sex or Making Love?

This is where people often separate the terms ‘sex’ and ‘making love.’ Sex is without doubt a basic physical act, and therefore it could be argued that it is without intimacy. However, making love infers that there is intimacy and a degree of connection associated with the physical act.

But there are plenty of situations in which couples are intimate with each other without having sex. For some, medical problems can prevent sexual intercourse, and although this does take away an important part of the relationship, it does not prevent the couple from having a loving, satisfying and intimate connection. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways, such as spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other. Sex is only one way in which people give and receive love, so although it is very important, it is not the only way to develop or express intimacy.

Being intimate with your partner requires you to be open and honest with him or her, and it is from this state of intimacy that great sex grows. This can sometimes be a hurdle in a relationship. Past relationships, childhood hurts and other emotional conflicts can get in the way of these connections. In these situations, either individual or marital counselling can be of benefit. Not only will resolving your issues lead to a deeper and more intimate relationship, it will lead to amazing sex, too!

1. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201302/7-predictors-long-term-relationship-success
2. http://www.chron.com/life/books/article/Therapist-There-s-a-difference-between-sex-1774907.php

One of those things was eat ice cream. A lot. So I gained a few pounds. It was time to buy new pants anyway. The only important thing was that my medicine was working and I was feeling good. I felt like participating in my life again. Feeling good and eating ice cream were natural.

But then I broke the couch.

Maybe it was a coincidence that I was the one whose bottom touched the couch and made it go POP and collapse. But it had occurred to me, in that moment I felt the couch break underneath me, that I had gained a lot of weight. And that was enough to tell me that all this weight gain was starting to bother me.

I finally realized that as my mood had gone up, so had my weight; maybe my medicine came with a trade-off. I’d never had a medicine that made me gain weight before or gave me cravings that led to weight gain. But here I was.

I’d always told people in the same situation that it didn’t matter if they gained weight. Obviously mental health is more important than gaining a few pounds.

But is there a line that can get crossed, where weight gain can make the scales tip in favor of switching meds? What’s the number? 15 pounds? 25 pounds? 30 pounds? 50 pounds? In what span of time? One month, three months, a year? What is OK and not OK?

Mental health is most important, but at what point does weight gain also affect health? It affects physical health, like blood pressure and risk factors that come with obesity (I am now technically obese), but I’m not even talking about the physical drawbacks of weight gain. What I’m irrationally worried about is the emotional toll that weight gain can cause.

I’m not satisfied with what the medicine is doing with my body. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like myself when I was pregnant, only without a baby, meaning I feel too big and tired and slow. That is affecting my mental health. Not in a serious, clinical way. But in a way that is still real.

Still, I would never stop a drug that’s working in favor of nothing, or one that didn’t work, to be able to lose weight. I’ve been in the dark hole that depression is, and there’s no way I would jeopardize my own quality of life or my family’s with my vanity. But it’s a little tempting, when I’m still on my meds and they’re working well, but there’s just this one side effect…. And I think, maybe I could stop. But I wouldn’t just stop; I would switch to something else, after talking with my doctor like I should. I’m more vain than I realized, but I’m also even more terrified of falling into depression again.

One of the most disconcerting things is the feeling that I don’t have power over my body. Even when I eat well, and exercise, and sweat off what feels like pounds of water, it turns out I have actually gained weight. I haven’t lost a single pound since I started my medicine several months ago. That unsettles me and makes me feel a tiny bit like I do in a depressed state: I am not in control of my body.

This doesn’t cause me to lose hope in general, to think that there won’t be a better time. But it does cause me to lose confidence in myself. I’m already on shaky ground, living with mental illness. Will I feel good today or bad? How am I feeling? But now, I add, How do I look? How much have I gained? to the daily evaluations. I can’t always depend on my mind; now I can’t depend on my body.

Having a mental illness throws new challenges at me at every turn. Even when I feel well, it still reminds me of its presence, in this case, through these extra pounds clinging to me. I believe that there might be side effects and trade-offs to medication, but I also believe they saved my life, or at least saved the quality of my life, and that it’s worth it. And I believe the perfect medication might be out there, waiting to still be discovered for me.

Maybe I’ll always have to make the decision between effective medicine and side effects like weight gain. But I have hope that someday I won’t have to.

One of the most interesting aspects of my work as a therapist is how much I learn from my clients. Years ago, I worked with a young woman who was struggling to find a happy, healthy relationship. She easily, breezily summarized her challenge:

“My sorority sisters say my problem is that I keep dating candy bars when what I really need is an apple. Their advice makes perfect sense.  A candy bar looks so good when you first see it, and I crave it with passion, but whenever I have it, I end up feeling sick. I know that apples are much healthier, but I don’t crave them with the same sense of longing.”

This succinct summary of her dating pattern is one I observe time and time again among both men and women who claim all they want is a happy relationship, and they lament that this wish is never fulfilled. And yet, when exploring their dating history in more detail, they will frequently admit to a pattern of actively choosing unavailable or otherwise unsuitable partners.

The psychological theories related to this phenomenon are quite interesting. One theory says that a happy, reliable relationship is not something that is familiar and so it makes someone uncomfortable. Freud, on the other hand, might wonder if the client is unconsciously repeating a painful pattern from the past with a fantasy that he or she might fix it and therefore heal old wounds.

According to this theory, such fantasies are rarely successful and usually involve compulsively repeating something painful from the past and opening and re-living old wounds. Behavioral theory talks about learned behavior. Cognitive theory explores how one’s thoughts about one’s self and others play into the relationship experience. Regardless of the theoretical approach a therapist uses to explore why the pattern occurs and how to change it, the language of candy bars and apples is a compelling way to begin the conversation.

Many times, the stated problem in therapy is, in fact, the opposite of what a client claims. In other words, if someone says they are in pain as they long for an intimate relationship, they may actually mean they are terrified to be in a close and committed relationship. Fortunately, my client gave me permission to share the metaphor of candy bars and apples with others. When I presented this concept to another client she shook her head and replied:

“That’s me, an over-eating candy bar addict! If I date a functional man I can literally feel the walls closing in around me … I secretly love unavailable men. I love to look like the good one dating the mess. That way when things fall apart no one blames me. Also, you can’t fear having the rug pulled out from you when there is no rug.”

What are signs you are dating a candy bar? While inconsistency, cruelty or unavailability are obvious signs, the best way to determine for sure is to write down the five qualities that are most important to you in a partner. Then think about the last five people you dated. Highlight the qualities you claim to be important that are not present in those you dated. The greater number of these qualities that are lacking, the greater likelihood that you are dating candy bars.

If you discover you tend to choose candy bars over apples, keep in mind you are therefore playing an active role in your unsatisfactory relationships. Choosing an unsuitable partner can be just as destructive as being an unsuitable partner. If you own your part in the problematic pattern, you can begin to practice dating apples and slowly train yourself to adjust to a new and healthier dating diet.

I say “train” intentionally as making any significant change — diet or otherwise — involves hard work, commitment, discomfort and persistence that is similar to training for a marathon. Apples might taste strange at first, but if you stick with it and push through the discomfort, you will notice, with time and hard work, that you will begin to crave them. Before you know it, you will want to delete candy bars from you diet. Good riddance!

Want to read more about candy bars and apples? There’s a full chapter devoted to this concept in my book, “Overcoming Your Parents’ Divorce.” Visit www.elisabethlamotte.com to learn more or follow @elisjoy.

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The bystander effect is a psychological phenomenon whereas the more people that are present when a person is in distress, the less likely anyone intervenes to help that person. Both cases involved a young girl being sexually assaulted and raped while at a house party with other teenagers.

Add alcohol to the mix — and the emotionally-based (often poor) judgment associated with the teenage years — and yes, it appears to be the perfect recipe for disaster.

The bystander effect first became popularized in the media in the case of Catherine “Kitty” Genovese. On March 13, 1964, New York City resident 28-year-old Genovese was returning to her home in Queens from work that day. As she approached her apartment entrance in the Kew Gardens neighborhood, she was attacked and stabbed by a man.

About a dozen people in the apartment building had heard the attack (as they later told police) and also heard Genovese’s calls for help. But rather than responding immediately — either by actively helping the victim directly, or by calling the police — nobody did so. It took about a half hour before someone finally picked up the phone and called the police. By the time the police arrived, Genovese was dead.

Dozens of more modern psychology experiments have been conducted to confirm the existence of the bystander effect since then. Modern research finds that, in general, the bystander effect disappears when the situation is perceived as being a dangerous emergency (because others are seen more as potential helpers, not as people who will socially judge or otherwise intervene instead).

But some things make the bystander effect even stronger — making people less likely to intervene when another is in distress — according to researchers Fischer et al. (2011):

• More people present (it’s a linear, direct relationship)

• If most of the people are strangers to one another (as opposed to friends)
• More females present (males appear to be less affected)

We don’t know the makeup of the parties that these two young girls participated in, but if it’s like most teenage parties, it’s safe to guess there was a mix of friends and strangers who didn’t know one another.

While we don’t know if the sexual assaults took place in a bedroom — largely shielded from most party-goers’ view — we do know that in Audrie Pott’s case, one of the photos taken of the assault apparently made the rounds at the party itself. And still nobody apparently did anything to stop it or to help Audrie.

We hope a clear response to these incidents is justice — significant jail time for everyone who participated in the sexual assault and rape. And despite these teens being “just children” (in Audrie Pott’s case, the perpetrators were 16 year olds), their names should also be released to the public.

There is no better justice than ensuring that the public never forgets the identify of these criminals, and what they did to helpless girls — both of whom ended up taking their own lives.

And listen up if you’re a teen — do not let this happen again. If you see something that you know is wrong — stop it. Get others to help you stop it. Call the police if you need to. Do not be a victim of the bystander effect — take charge, take action, and let’s prevent these horrible incidents from ever occurring again in the future.

Reference

Fischer, Peter Krueger, Joachim I. Greitemeyer, Tobias Vogrincic, Claudia Kastenmüller, Andreas Frey, Dieter Heene, Moritz Wicher, Magdalena Kainbacher, Martina. (2011). The bystander-effect: A meta-analytic review on bystander intervention in dangerous and non-dangerous emergencies. Psychological Bulletin, 137, 517-537.

Read more: How Bad Is ‘Viral’ Rape Shame? It Pushes Teenage Girls into Killing Themselves

Amy told me about a recent conversation with the man she thought she wanted to marry:

“Am I the crazy one here? Why do I feel needy and desperate when I talk to him all of a sudden? I thought he loved me! I don’t get it. He practically lives with me and I’ve never even seen his place! I’ve never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to win me over. He took me on some amazing dates and made love to me in ways I never even thought possible! I fell in love with him! I love him!

But when I suggested we have dinner with my parents, I didn’t hear from him for a week! He disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the heck? I don’t even know where he was for the last week. He travels a lot for work… But before this, he’d call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he called me Sunday night to say he’s “not ready” to meet my parents. He says, ‘Can’t we just keep things like they were? I love you, baby, but I really like things the way they are now. Why do you have to screw it up?’”

Sound familiar? Amy is dealing with a man who suffers from commitment-phobia and a deep fear of intimacy.

His own negative self-beliefs about commitment, love and relationships will guarantee that this relationship won’t last. He has no intention of making a commitment to her, and now that she is asking for a little more, he’s finding reasons to back away. My best bet is that he will sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.

So, what are the signs of a commitment-phobe? See if any of these ring a bell for you:

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time.  Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

2. You haven’t met each other’s friends, family and/or co-workers.Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won’t know what their work life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends.

3. You haven’t seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room. Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a way-station to shower, change clothes and sleep on those rare occasions they can’t stay with you.

4. He’s attentive and charming when you’re together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

5. He’s a last-minute planner. Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of his normal mode of operation he’s going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he’ll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

6. You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. In Amy’s situation he blamed her for “screwing it up” just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won’t want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you’ve never seen before in him.

7. He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship? If so, share your experience in the comments below. I’ll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

Larry Cappel is a trained relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He can be reached through his website if you’d like to talk about any aspect of your relationship.

I’m here to help. Call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. You can also sign up for my monthly health and wellness bulletin. My passion is to helping people to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

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“A lot of doctors and other mental health professionals just throw up their arms, and say, ‘What’s the point of even identifying antisocial personality disorder? What are we going to do with these people?’” said Donald W. Black, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at the University of Iowa Roy J. and Lucille A. Carver College of Medicine in Iowa City.

Dr. Black, also a consultant to the Iowa Department of Corrections, has been studying antisocial personality disorder (or ASP) for over 20 years. You might be more familiar with the term “sociopath,” which is used more often in the media. “Antisocial” isn’t the best word to describe the disorder, according to Black, because it’s often associated with being shy. “The term arose because the disorder is anti-society. It’s behavior that’s directed against society.”

Black believes it’s vital to study ASP. Not only is ASP costly to our society – economically, socially and emotionally – but you might be surprised to learn that it’s actually quite common. ASP is as common as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, panic disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

In fact, it might be even more common, because antisocials deny or lie about their symptoms. Black said ASP likely could be traced to “just about any bad thing” in our society, from domestic violence to murder.

Yet, ASP remains highly misunderstood. Below, you’ll learn more about antisocial personality disorder along with its myths and facts.

What Is Antisocial Personality Disorder?

In his new book Bad Boys, Bad Men: Confronting Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy), Revised and Updated, Black describes ASP as “a recurrent and serial pattern of misbehavior that involves all significant facets of life and is marked by violation of social norms and regulations that occur over time, ranging from repeated lies and petty theft to violence – and even murder, in the most serious cases.”

The major symptoms seem to strike individuals in their early teens and 20s. This is especially problematic, because this time is critical for completing education, starting a career and establishing a family life, Black said. “Antisocials never catch up with their peers.” (This is where early identification and intervention can help.)

Like other disorders, ASP lies on a continuum of severity, Black said. At one end of the spectrum are serial killers. At the other end are mildly affected individuals who commit bad acts from time to time that influence their and others’ lives, he said.

Also, like other disorders, ASP is a complex combination of genetic, biological and environmental causes. It runs in families. Identical twins are more likely to have the disorder than fraternal twins, he said. “Antisocials often come from very dysfunctional families, suffer childhood abuse, have head injuries as children, and their moms are more likely to smoke during pregnancy.” They’re also more likely to have antisocial friends, which only encourages, validates and reinforces bad behavior, he said.

Interestingly, people with antisocial personality disorder tend to gradually improve over time. According to Black, “if you follow them long enough, a certain percentage won’t meet criteria for antisocial personality disorder.” No one knows why they improve, but many other disorders, such as schizophrenia, also may improve over time.

Myths About Antisocial Personality Disorder

There are many myths about ASP. These are some of the most common misconceptions.

1. Myth: Antisocial personality disorder is untreatable.

Fact: Only one randomized controlled trial has been conducted. It tested the efficacy of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for treating ASP. The treatment didn’t work. However, Black said to contrast that with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, where researchers have conducted literally hundreds – or thousands – of studies looking at the effectiveness of certain medications and psychotherapies, he said. “It is wrong to conclude that antisocial personality disorder is not treatable. We just don’t know.”

In other words, more research is needed. For instance, some medications have been shown to reduce aggressive tendencies, Black said. “Those may be helpful for antisocial persons in whom aggression is an important symptom.” For instance, atypical antipsychotics, which target mood and irritability, could help these individuals.

Smaller studies have suggested that CBT might hold promise for individuals on the milder end of the spectrum, he said.

2. Myth: Studying antisocial personality disorder coddles criminals and gives them an excuse.

Fact: “[Many worry] ASP is just an excuse for bad behavior, and courts will use it to excuse criminals from criminal responsibility,” Black said. However, he noted that ASP has never been used successfully in court.

According to Black, “An ASP diagnosis is not a license for patients to behave as they like, but instead is a lens through which to view their misbehavior, which is unusual by any standard.”

In another section of his book, he explains, “Although some antisocials – and their attorneys – may attempt to use ASP as an excuse, psychiatrists see the disorder differently. Antisocial personality disorder describes a pattern of behaviors, choices and feelings, but it does not mean that people with the disorder are unable to chart their own paths through life. Unlike some other mental disorders, ASP does not entail a break with reality. Antisocials know full well what is going on around them. They know the difference between right and wrong but may simply be unconcerned with it. Their actions are deliberate and focused on their self-centered goals. They are responsible for their own behavior and should be held accountable.”

3. Myth: You can’t prevent antisocial personality disorder.

Fact: About 40 percent of boys and 25 percent of girls with conduct disorder – the childhood precursor to ASP – are at a high risk for developing ASP as adults, Black said. However some research has shown that if you identify these kids early and work with their families to help them recognize and correct their child’s misbehavior, and steer them away from bad peers, it’s possible to stave off this trajectory, he said.

“Other data suggest that early adjudication may help. Placing a child before a judge and court and providing some kind of sentence has a preventive effect.” In other words, these kids are less likely to become antisocial adults. Adjudication teaches them that bad behavior has negative consequences, and they’re responsible for their actions, even as kids. (Excusing their behavior deprives kids of this vital lesson.)

Again, Black stressed the importance of researching antisocial personality disorder. As he writes, “ASP may be at the root of a substantial amount of the troubles that plague society, and … learning more about the disorder might help us fight crime, violence, and other social ills.”

They may be careless and capricious or outright reckless. They “forget” about appointments. They’re chronically late. They neglect to plan ahead. They’re financially irresponsible. They don’t take care of their stuff. They make rash decisions that get them into trouble. They ignore deadlines. They act as though others should bail them out of whatever trouble they get into.

We all know people like this. And they’re not all adolescents. It could be a friend, a family member or a colleague. We may love them yet we experience them as terribly frustrating. We want to shake them. Yell at them. Knock some sense into their brains. But none of this seems to make a difference to them. They shrug it all off.

Why? Because they have Responsibility Deficit Disorder (RDD), a much-needed diagnostic category that I have just created.

RDD is prevalent in our society and is a growing problem. Those who have it do not “suffer” from it. Quite the contrary. The people who “suffer” are those loved ones who must deal with the rat’s nest that is so often dropped in their laps.

If all this sounds familiar to you, here’s what you must do to save your own sanity.

• Be direct with them.

  Don’t mince words. Not all irresponsible people realize the chaos that they are causing. Be specific about how their actions (or lack of actions) create havoc for you. They may blow you off, or accuse you of nitpicking, or of being judgmental. Think about their responses. They may have a point. But if you know, with your head and your heart, that their irresponsible behavior is what’s causing the difficulty, trust your own judgment.

• Know what you will do the next time you feel dumped on.

  Irresponsible people tend to be irresponsible. Duh! That’s obvious. But sometimes you forget, especially if you’re an incurable optimist. So, make sure that you know what you will do and what you won’t do the next time an RDD person leaves his mess (literally or metaphorically) for you to deal with. Though it may be tough for you, stick to your guns — even if you are called all kinds of reprehensible names.

• Know where your power lies.

  Reflect on where your power lies with this particular person. If you’ve been cleaning up his mess, don’t. Let him suffer the consequences. If you’ve been enabling her behavior by bailing her out – once again, don’t. Sure, you may feel guilty that you are no longer doing what you used to do. But that’s how you change the game. It’s much harder for people to be irresponsible when nobody steps in to make it all OK.

• Make them an offer they can’t refuse.

  Hey, it works for the Mafia. Why not for you? If the person really wants what is in your power to give, use it. I don’t mean that you continue to enable his irresponsible behavior. I mean you offer him a bribe (or reward) if and when he changes his behavior.

• Sidestep the problem by being less involved with your RDD person.

  It may make you feel bad if you are an inclusive person and you begin to exclude. You don’t ask her to go on vacation with you because you don’t trust that she won’t bail out at the last minute. You don’t go out to dinner with him if he will expect you to pick up the bill once again. Excluding is a preemptive survival mechanism. Use it when it feels appropriate.

• Unfortunately, change begins with you.

  Why should you have to change? It’s the RDD person who should change. You don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing. You simply want the other person to be more responsible. Great fantasy! Terrible reality! Dream on that the other person will change. He’s got it good – especially if you’re enabling his dysfunction. Why should he change if you’re always there to rescue him? So, as much as you dislike it, know that the change process begins with you.

The problem with shouting is that it isn’t really communicating — it’s being aggressive and intimidating. That clearly is not the best way to forge relationships. You may not think that you’re being aggressive, or acting unhealthily — but you are. And you’re not doing yourself or anyone else any favors with your behavior.

When we communicate, there are a couple of thinking processes going on in the background: We have a goal or task we wish to complete in the interaction.

That goal is being driven by a set of personal rules and beliefs which are running on autopilot.

The following is an example of a typical scenario: In the kitchen, John tells Karen that he wants her to pick their son up from school because he’d made plans to meet a friend for drinks after work. Trouble is, Karen also has made plans and isn’t able, or willing, to change them. The conversation might go like this:

“Sorry, John, but I can’t pick Luke up, I’ve made plans. Anyway, it’s your day to do it.”

“I know it’s my day, but I said I’d meet Frank. You can change your plans; you’re only meeting your mother anyway.”

“I’m not changing.”

“Look, I can’t pick him up. I’ve made plans. Just call your mom and tell her you need to pick him up.”

“No, John.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Stop being so damn stubborn and just do it, will you?!”

“Don’t shout at me.”

“Then stop being a bitch and just pick him up.”

At this point, since Karen isn’t doing what he wants, John could get angrier, louder, and more aggressive. People in Karen’s position will tend to give in and do what the shouter wants, which is exactly the reason to shout — to get one’s own way.

But what led to an angry exchange and John shouting?

The two cognitive processes mentioned above: John holds an irrational belief that Karen absolutely should change her plans. Because she doesn’t want to, she is obstructing his goal, which is to go out with Frank. His underlying belief is probably something like, “She absolutely must do what I want, and if she doesn’t, she’s just being a difficult bitch!”

Remember, if you get to the point of shouting, you’re already in unhealthy anger mode. Your irrational belief that you are right and others are wrong will only become more rigid, as unhealthy anger begins to cloud your rational thought.

So if you find you are shouting at people, stop and think about what you are demanding of them.

Are they obstructing your goal? Do you have an irrational belief that they must do what you think is right, or satisfy your goal even if it is counter to their goal? Then ask yourself if that’s reasonable of you to demand such a thing.

Above all, shouting doesn’t make your argument or request more persuasive, it just makes you seem more intimidating.

Similarly, a conversation goes nowhere unless you have a partner who listens to what you’re saying and responds in a way that keeps the conversation going.

A good conversation is constructed by a speaker and a listener each doing their part. A great conversation is constructed with respectful, interesting, enriching content. You learn something. You teach something. Your knowledge increases. Your curiosity is piqued. You relish the time spent together.

The prototype for a great conversation is a couple in love. They make good eye contact. Listen well. Speak with enthusiasm. Value what the other person says. Feel valued by the other person. Disagree respectfully. Enjoy each other.

The prototype for a poor conversation is modern Congress.

In today’s Congress, what passes for communication is pontificating your beliefs while mocking your opponents’. Nobody listens. Nobody learns. Nobody appreciates the subtleties of the others’ argument. Is it any wonder that the respect Americans have for Congress is at an all-time low?

To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.

Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:

Speaking

• Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)
• Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)
• Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)
• Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)

Listening

• Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)
• Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)
• Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)
• Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language.

Do you admit to doing any of these no-nos? Good. I respect your honesty. You are more sincere than one who deflects his own behavior by blaming others. “I don’t listen because you give me too many details.” “I only use that tone of voice because you never listen.”

It’s true that good speaking skills enhance people’s ability to listen. But you shouldn’t have to be an award-winning speaker to get a loved one to listen. Similarly, good listening skills encourage good speaking skills. But you shouldn’t have to be a topflight listener to get a loved one to speak respectfully to you.

Speaking well and listening well create an extraordinary game of catch in which both of you feel energized, enriched, respected and valued. Good goal to aim for, don’t you think?

Melissa and Tom (whose names have been changed to protect their privacy) argued as they drove to meet their vocal coach.

“Why do you want to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings?” she asked. “It’s such a cliché, and I’ll never hear the end of it from my Dad.”

“You’re not doing much better with that Shania Twain song,” Tom rebutted, “Everyone’s going to hear it and remember that Shania Twain’s husband left her for the assistant. Doesn’t bode well, does it?”

Melissa and Tom were determined to make their June wedding an entertaining event, complete with readings by Melissa’s sisters, both of whom are actresses, and additional music by Tom’s brother, who is a singer/songwriter. Melissa wanted to wear a green dress to symbolize her commitment to environmental issues, but Tom worried that people would think it was strange.

So many details! Should they select chairs by price or comfort? Should they go with freesia or flowers that are more showy? Which kind of champagne should they choose for the toast? Chocolate fountain or Viennese table? And then there are the seating charts.

Tom and Melissa spend their non-working hours fighting about, well, everything wedding-related. Tom is beginning to question whether he really wants to marry Melissa, and Melissa wonders why she never noticed how conventional Tom is. Does he really value his uptight relatives’ opinions about the color of her dress more than he cares about her only opportunity to don her dream dress?

Does their situation sound familiar to you? We’ve all known a Bridezilla or two — women who are so over-the-top about the wedding that they forget about the groom. But what happens to couples that get so lost in wedding planning that they forget to focus on the bigger issue — namely, the marriage that lies ahead?

With that question in mind, here are my “lucky seven” suggestions for getting the focus where it belongs, so that you and your fiancé can get your marriage off to a good start:

1. Relax about the appearances, starting with yourself and your fiance.

This is not the time to drop twenty pounds, become a marathon runner or turn him into a gym rat. My client Emma got engaged to Kurt (both names have been changed), booked a personal trainer for three sessions a week, and began a crash diet. Eight months after the wedding, she came to see me because she wasn’t enjoying her life — just as she hadn’t enjoyed her engagement or her wedding.

Thinking back about her wedding, she said, “I have beautiful wedding pictures, but I wish I’d bagged the trainer and the diet and had fun instead! I was a size zero on my wedding day, and Kurt jokingly referred to me as his incredible shrinking bride. He likes curves, but I was stuck on this idea that if I was the thinnest, blondest bride, I’d be the happiest bride.” She laughs ruefully. “So there I was: the most uptight bride. And poor Kurt! I had him biking thirty miles five days a week to get in shape. Not fun!”

2. The devil is in the details.

Usually that phrase means to pay attention to the details, but if you get stuck in all the wedding details, you’re missing the fun. Is anyone really going to remember whether you had the lavender napkins or the deep purple ones? If they do, that’s their problem! I assure you that beveled edges on the cakestand can’t guarantee a good marriage.

3. Stick to your budget.

Your relationship isn’t going to fail if you get married in a garden or a church instead of a Spanish castle, but regardless of the venue, there are choices all along the way that can either break your budget or respect it. Why start your marriage with the stress of unnecessary debt? The wedding is about your commitment to each other; it’s not proof of your magnificence.

4. Don’t stress over the wedding vows.

Approach your wedding vows as something you want to say to your partner, rather than a proclamation to the world of your love or proof of your brilliance. Steve and Betsy (names changed) spent several weekends camped out at opposite ends of their apartment with writer’s block, trying to compose the perfect wedding vows. Would people think the vows were silly? Were they too emotional? Too unconventional? Too sexist?

I suggested that they talk to each other about what they especially love about each other, something they struggle to accept about each other, and take their vows from that. After all, It’s not for Bartlett’s Quotations; it’s for you and your partner. And since you and your partner are not Tom Hanks winning an Academy Award and using the acceptance speech as a love letter to your partner, take the pressure off and remember that the traditional vows are there for a reason. Alternatively, you can look online for some that fit your style.

5. Think of the reception as a fun party for you to enjoy with your friends and family.

One bride’s father had the idea that the reception should be a cabaret show, and it was his responsibility to keep all the guests entertained. The bride and groom wanted something fun and low-key, not a spectacle that demanded everyone’s attention. They put together a playlist of songs that had meaning for them, ones they knew their older relatives enjoyed, and ones they knew would get people out on the dance floor. They looked at the reception as a fun party, not a place to prove their talent, hipness or anything else.

6. If possible, outsource the planning.

Jane’s mother loves planning parties and was thrilled that Jane and Philip (names changed) gave her the basic idea of what they wanted before turning her loose to be creative. Meanwhile, Eliza and Mark (names changed) couldn’t afford a wedding planner and didn’t have relatives who could pitch in, but they had a group of very talented friends who volunteered to manage the various parts. They gave each friend a budget and free rein.

One friend was a sous chef at a fancy restaurant who volunteered to prepare the food, another one did the flowers, Eliza’s brother sang at the ceremony and had musician friends join him to provide music for the party, and Mark’s sister shot video. If you don’t have a close relative with those talents who’s enthusiastic about taking on the plans, hire a wedding planner.

7. Remember that you and your partner are on the same side!

Your partner may not be as interested in all of the “stuff” as you are, whether it’s registry “stuff” or what type of wedding you have. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong or doesn’t care about you. It just means that he’s not you.

Not everyone has an opinion about everything connected with the wedding. He may be more focused on planning a fun trip and enjoying being together when the whole thing’s done. He may be more interested in marrying you than in being your groom. When you have a difference of opinion or approach, stop and say — aloud, or to yourself — “I think we’ve forgotten we’re on the same team, which is the whole point! Let me do something warm to connect with you.”

These “lucky seven” tips are variations on a theme: It’s the marriage that’s important. If you and your partner can stay on the same side, relax about appearances, compromise and have fun with each other along the way, you’ve learned some of the basics of a satisfying married life!

More marriage advice from YourTango:

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married?

According to relationship expert Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, the best way to get closer and improve communication is to “come to therapy with your partner.”

But there are many ways you can build closeness outside the therapy couch, she said. Here are five strategies to try.

1. Check in with each other daily.

“Leading couples therapists recommend creating an established time each day for couples to touch base with each other,” said Rastogi, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill. For instance, family therapist William Doherty and his wife carved out 15 minutes after dinner for checking in with each other, she said.

What should you talk about? Julie Hanks, LCSW, owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy and Psych Central blogger, suggested focusing on your emotional connection.

“Ask your partner how they are doing emotionally overall, and also specifically how close they feel to you.” For instance, you might ask each other, “Do you feel open and connected? Or distant? Or somewhere in between? Is there anything you want to share with me?”

2. Participate in new activities.

According to Rastogi, her couples clients have tried everything from hot yoga to salsa lessons to massage classes, which “helped them get closer on many different levels.”

3. Give each other space.

Getting closer by being apart sounds counterintuitive. But “time apart allows partners to grow in ways in which they complement their partners,” Rastogi said. Plus, “No one person can ever meet all your needs for your entire adult life!”

So partners might schedule time for their individual interests and passions, and hang out separately with their friends. Rastogi quoted Khalil Gibran, who once said: “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

4. Consider your partner’s needs.

If your partner seems angry, withdrawn or conflicted, ask them “What do you need?” Rastogi said. “This allows the couple to explore emotions, and also positions the other partner as validating, and available to help.” It shows your partner you support and care about them. And it no doubt soothes the sting from conflict and puts you back on the same team.

5. Explore deeper emotions together.

If certain issues really rile up your partner, there’s probably more beneath the surface. If they seem especially upset about something, Hanks suggested asking, “When have you felt that way before?” In her work with couples, she’s “found that if they can explore deeper emotions together and link it to their past family patterns, [then] empathy and understanding flourish.”

It’s become so bad that some people are even making up statistics to either sell their infidelity-helping or infidelity-fighting services. For instance, one common statistic I hear thrown out there is that 50 percent of relationships involve infidelity.

Sadly, that statistic is not based upon any scientific research. It’s something marketing companies just made up and use to scare (or motivate) people into buying into their service.

So how common is cheating, really?

The short answer is, “Not nearly as common as you would be led to believe.”

I last talked about infidelity a few years ago, and why people cheat. But what I didn’t cover is exactly how common — or, to put it more accurately, uncommon — cheating actually is.

The Prevalence of Infidelity

Researchers Blow & Hartnett (2005)¹ took a comprehensive look at this issue and reviewed all the research on infidelity a few years ago. Here is what they have to say about how common cheating really is:

Many research studies attempt to estimate exactly how many people engage in infidelity, and the statistics appear reliable when studies focus on sexual intercourse, deal with heterosexual couples, and draw from large, representative, national samples. From the 1994 General Social Survey of 884 men and 1288 women, 78% of men and 88% of women denied ever having extramarital (EM) sex (Wiederman, 1997). The 1991-1996 General Social Surveys report similar data; in those years 13% of respondents admitted to having had EM sex (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001).

In the 1981 National Survey of Women, 10% of the overall sample had a secondary sex partner. Married women were the least likely (4%), dating women more likely (18%), and cohabiting women most likely (20%) to have had a secondary sex partner (Forste & Tanfer, 1996). [...]

Compared with Laumann et al. (1994), other authors report significantly lower prevalence statistics. General Social Surveys conducted in 1988 and 1989 showed that a mere 1.5% of married people reported having had a sexual partner other than their spouse in the year before the survey (Smith, 1991), and less than 3% of Choi, Catania, and Dolcini’s (1994) sample had engaged in EM sex in the previous 12 months.

In a 1993 probability sample that included 1194 married adults, 1.2% had EM sex in the last 30 days, 3.6% had EM sex in the last year, and 6.4% had EM sex in the last 5 years (Leigh, Temple, & Trocki, 1993). These results possibly indicate that the number of EM sexual involvements in any given year is quite low, but that over the lifetime of a relationship this number is notably higher.

In general, based on the above data, we can conclude that over the course of married, heterosexual relationships in the United States, EM sex occurs in less than 25% of committed relationships, and more men than women appear to be engaging in infidelity (Laumann et al., 1994; Wiederman, 1997). Further, these rates are significantly lower in any given year. [...] (Blow & Hartnett, 2005)

Another study conducted on a population-based sample of married women (N = 4,884) found that the annual prevalence of infidelity was much smaller on the basis of the face-to-face interview (1.08%) than on the computer-assisted self-interview (6.13%) (Whisman & Snyder, 2007).²

Taken together, in any given year, it looks like the actual likelihood of your relationship suffering from cheating is low — probably less than a 6 percent chance.

But over the course of your entire relationship, the chances of infidelity may rise to as much as 25 percent. Twenty-five percent — over the course of an entire relationship — is a far cry from the 50 percent number we hear from many so-called professionals and services trying to sell you something.

And to put cheating into perspective too, the relationship (or one of the people in the relationship) needs to be lacking in something. As my previous article on the topic noted, these risk factors typically include: significant, ongoing, unresolved problems in the primary, long-term relationship or marriage; a significant difference in sex drive between the two partners; the older the primary relationship; a greater difference in personality than perhaps the partners realize; and having been sexually abused as a child.

Whisman & Snyder (2007) also found support that the likelihood of infidelity decreases the more religious you are, as you age, or if you’re better educated. They also found that the risk for cheating was greater for women who were remarried (compared to those who were on their first marriage), or for either gender with the greater number of sexual partners you have.

Types of Infidelity

Cheating comes in many different forms — it’s not limited to simply having sex with someone who isn’t your long-term partner.

Both the clinical and self-help literature reference general types of infidelity, including one-night stands, emotional connections, long-term relationships, and philandering (Brown, 2001; Pittman, 1989). However, most of the empirical literature does not delineate these types of infidelity, nor does it offer ideas on how prevalent different types of infidelity are or in what kinds of relationships they exist. [...]

There is evidence that there are emotional-only, sexual-only, and combined sexual and emotional types of infidelity (Glass & Wright, 1985; Thompson, 1984). These categories are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and Glass and Wright (1985) explore infidelity on a continuum of sexual involvement and emotional involvement.

Further, within each general category there are different types. For example, emotional infidelity could consist of an internet relationship, a work relationship, or a long-distance phone relationship. Sexual infidelity could consist of visits with sex workers, same-sex encounters, and different types of sexual activities. (Blow & Hartnett, 2005)

Cheating is something to be aware of in any relationship. However, in most relationships, it is not something to be overly concerned about unless you have one of the above risk factors. Even then, the rate is half as what many marketers would have you believe — and that’s some good news for a change.

References

Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31, 217-233.

Whisman, M.A. & Snyder, D.K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21, 147-154.

1. Sorry, I am not making their names up.
2. This intriguingly suggests people are more comfortable telling the truth to a faceless computer survey than to a human interviewer.