But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.

For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.

The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.

It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”

If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.

However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:

• Why did you get divorced or breakup in the first place? Did you have a good reason? Will sex make that right?
• Do you still have strong feelings of love for your partner, or do you just have fear of being alone?
• Are you or your partner using sex to try to keep the relationship going instead of facing the discomfort of ending?
• Will having sex muddy the waters? If you plan on moving on from your ex, being intimate with them means you’re not moving on.
• Is this an exclusive thing? Are you OK being a sex-buddy? Who else are they having sex with? Are you using protection?
• How will you feel if your partner tells you they’re seeing somebody else?

Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.

Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

Take this all-too-familiar scenario: Mary’s third marriage is coming to an end. She’s depressed and angry at herself for ‘ruining’ another marriage. She tells me that the same thing happened in the last two marriages, which proves that she’s a useless person and terrible wife.

For one, she’s incorrect because she’s globally rating herself as useless, and that’s irrational. Second, she’s taking all the blame, another thinking error. It doesn’t take much questioning to find out that her mother left her father when she was 3 years old, and her father told Mary that her mother left because of her. It was all her fault!

Really? It doesn’t take a genius to see how utterly crazy and untruthful that comment is. Yet, because Mary was told this by a significant authority figure, and was too young to cognitively question the irrationality of that statement, she internalized it. The lie became her truth. It was because of her that her mother left. End of story.

This type of internalized irrational belief can be devastating to a child’s life and growth. Just imagine: You’re 3 years old and you have the power to push a grown woman away from her husband and family. You somehow make it impossible for two adults to support each other. You make it impossible for them to manage a small child. You even have the power to prevent them from asking for help from others, if they so need it. Wow! That’s power.

Now imagine taking that belief into every relationship you go into. As soon as it looks like the other person might be moving away from you, that familiar, irrational belief kicks in. “They absolutely must not leave me. I can’t bear it if they leave me, because it means nobody will ever love me again.”

You’ll probably react one of three ways:

1. Desperately hold on. Beg and promise to do anything the other person wants as long as they stay.
2. Withdraw and let them leave because you know it’s inevitable
3. Go look for a carving knife, because you’re not letting them leave – ever.

None of those solutions will work in the long run. To move on, somebody like Mary needs to understand that her thinking is at error here. The irrational belief she’s cultivated since she was a child is what drives her in all her relationships. It’s unhealthy and destructive.

To change this behavior pattern, she’ll need to uncover that old belief, and figure out a new, healthy way to think. Once she’s done that, and practiced the new rational belief over and over, the next time she starts a relationship she’ll be on stronger footing. It probably will give her an opportunity to make better, informed decisions about her future relationships.

It’s all too easy for a lie to be taken as truth, but it still doesn’t mean it’s true.

If I got paid for every time I tried to convince someone to watch Dear John, I’d probably have quite the sum of money. Honestly, all it takes is hearing the theme by Deborah Lurie, and my emotional state heightens at the possibility of something great, even with the lingering undertones of hurt and heartache.

Whether it’s Dear John, The Notebook, or other romantic flicks that require Kleenex, I appreciate films that showcase what many deem as “unrealistic” narratives.

In a post called Movies versus Your Relationships, Psych Central blogger Nathan Feiles highlights a few sound rationales as to why these films may be dismissed as idealistic.

He’s correct: Your relationship is not “frozen in time” (on screen, it builds to a “stereotyped big moment” at the end, putting past issues aside). Relationships aren’t scripted, and women don’t need to be saved. “The strongest relationships tend to be two people who have already rescued themselves,” he noted.

However, Bhadra Kamalasanan’s article, “10 Love Lessons Movies Teach Us,” conveys valuable insight regarding how this genre actually serves a purpose. I compiled a list of some of my favorite explanations here:

• Chance your encounters.

  Sleepless in Seattle uncovers the prospect that you may meet the right person even after you’re already in a committed relationship. Maybe it’s not going to come to fruition on Valentine’s Day at the top of the Empire State Building, but finding a better fit is still feasible.

• Even death shall not do us part.

  PS: I Love You demonstrates that despite the passing of a loved one, the root of that love never has to fade. Even though you eventually move on, he or she will always be a part of you and that’s okay.

• Hold onto memories if they motivate you.

  Titanic illustrates that “love never sank with the ship.” The past doesn’t have to be a bygone, but thought of as a reminder to go after what you really want. Even when a relationship doesn’t survive, you may still savor the positive aspects of what was once shared, with more of an idea of the kind of connection you’re looking to embrace.

• Learn from bad memories.

  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind features a world where painful memories can be erased. Yet, this movie upholds two succinct lessons: “One that, while it may seem attractive to erase all the painful memories, one must use them to learn and move ahead. The second lesson is that one must understand the very essence of love.” When two people are compatible for each other, they will still experience ups and downs within their relationship, but they’ll desire to work on these conflicts in order to go forward together as a strong team.

• Learn to seize the day. The protagonist in American Beauty is unhappy with his life (which strains his relationship with his family), and he finally comes to terms with how he must exert control and make important choices. While you have to accept what you cannot change, it’s definitely plausible to change how you cope with life’s obstacles.

Jennifer Rose, a freelancer who studied communications, maintains an optimistic spirit regarding romance movies. “A small part of us uses that fictional element just as an outlet,” she said. “However, there is no reason why we can’t take some hints from these films. Each of them tells you to be true to yourself and take risks in love.”

Although romance films may have a reputation for not reflecting reality as we know it, I find there to be real value and takeaway lessons that we can garner from these stories.

What did I gain from my (multiple) viewings of Dear John? Regardless of whether the relationship lasts, some significant experiences stay with you, plain and simple. Can you learn and grow from its history? Absolutely.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Falling in love can be amazing! The excitement of meeting someone new brings out the best in all of us; the journey ahead feels like an open road full of possibility.

But then something happens: Either the relationship starts to feel stale, or perhaps money issues, kids, or trying to figure out a comfortable work-life balance comes into play. Whatever the cause, the initial spark dims or goes out altogether, and the future of your relationship becomes a long and winding road, full of pit stops and flat tires.

Well, don’t worry because this happens to everyone. All it means is that it’s time for a tune-up.

You see, we spend a lot of time and energy finding our perfect mates. By the time we say “I do,” we assume (and fervently hope) that the work is over. The idea of having to spend time working on your marriage may seem strange or even depressing, but it’s worth it! Even if it feels like your whole marriage needs an overhaul, deepening your relationship doesn’t have to be a grueling process. With the right tools, the suffering can end.

One of the best ways to help your marriage is to ensure you’re thinking about it the right way. After working with thousands of couples — and on our own marriage — we’ve distilled some essential truths that help couples keep their relationships fresh as they navigate the life-long experience of growing real love:

1. Conflict is growth trying to happen.

Most people believe that if you’re having problems in your marriage, you’re with the wrong person. So, when conflict gets heated and gnarly, they wonder if it’s time to bail … and it’s not! Rather, if you’re willing to work with the conflict, there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for you right around the corner. The key is learning how to work with conflict creatively – in ways that help both you and your partner grow. Plus, just changing your perspective so that you view conflict as an opportunity, an indicator that it’s time to grow, can help ease the troubles you ‘re having.

2. It’s not him; it’s you.

Ninety percent of the upset you feel with your partner comes from your past. It’s true! So, stop blaming your partner. We know that it’s hard to do — especially when you feel miserable and it seems as though the source of your misery is, well, that annoying person you’re married to. But here’s the thing: We fall head over heels in love with someone who is similar to our parents, which is a mysterious design that holds the potential for deep, abiding connection – once you get past all the squabbling. So, the next time you feel your blood boiling, remind yourself: This feeling has more to do with my past than my partner!

3. A laugh a day keeps the divorce lawyer away.

Sometimes we’re so busy working on our relationships that we actually forget to enjoy them. And what’s the point of doing all of that work if you’re not having fun with your partner? Using humor and joy is critical to a couple’s happiness together. Now, this doesn’t mean you get to dust off your passive-aggressive tendencies and use “humor” to zing your partner with little digs or critiques. What it means is that you have our permission to go out and have fun. So, create fun times together by mixing things up a little. Try dance lessons, improv, a cooking class.

When we decided to bring the fun back into our relationship, we cooked a whole meal together wearing Groucho Marx glasses. Of course we felt silly — and that was the whole point!

4. Want to spice up your relationship? Ditch all negativity!

Why are we so inclined to focus on what’s bad instead of what’s good? Every relationship (including ours, once upon a time) contains at least some negativity, and the amount of negativity in a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of trouble it’s in. Negativity includes any/all words, tone of voice, facial expressions and/or behavior your partner says feels negative to him/her. And yes, rolling your eyes counts.

You see, negativity is like rat poison; nothing can grow in it! So, if you want your relationship to grow, you’ve got to get rid of all negativity. Yes, all of it. We finally did, and in fact, our zero tolerance policy is the single most effective strategy we’ve used to create real love.

These truths can help you become better partners for each other, and to create a marriage full of real, lasting love and a blissful connection.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. are bestselling authors and creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, which is practiced by over 2,000 therapists around the world. Partners in life and work, their newest book Making Marriage Simple distills what they have learned into ten essential and provocative truths about marriage.

More marriage advice from YourTango:

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Video: Why Do Men Get Married?
• Way Too Many Married Couples Kiss Less Than Once A Week

Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.

It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.

3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.

First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across.  If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.

4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.

Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.

5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.

Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.

A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

• Video: Will Men Date Divorced Women?
• 9 Love Lessons I Learned From My Divorce
• Is Divorce Becoming a Luxury?

New life sign photo available from Shutterstock

“Partners may find themselves in roles they do not want, such as the compromiser, the protector, or the comforter,” says Kate Thieda, MS, LPCA, NCC, a therapist and author of the excellent book Loving Someone with Anxiety.

They might have to bear the brunt of extra responsibilities and avoid certain places or activities that trigger their partner’s anxiety, she said. This can be very stressful for partners and their relationship.

“Partners of loved ones with anxiety may find themselves angry, frustrated, sad, or disappointed that their dreams for what the relationship was going to be have been limited by anxiety.”

Thieda’s book helps partners better understand anxiety and implement strategies that truly support their spouses, without feeding into or enabling their fears.

Below, she shared five ways to do just that, along with what to do when your partner refuses treatment.

1. Educate yourself about anxiety.

It’s important to learn as much as you can about anxiety, such as the different types of anxiety disorders and their treatment. This will help you better understand what your partner is going through.

Keep in mind that your partner might not fit any of these categories. As Thieda writes in Loving Someone with Anxiety, “The truth is, it doesn’t matter whether your partner’s anxiety is ‘diagnosable.’ If it’s impairing your relationship or diminishing your partner’s quality of life or your own quality of life, it will be worthwhile to make changes.”

2. Avoid accommodating your partner’s anxiety.

“Partners often end up making accommodations for their partner’s anxiety, whether it is intentional [such as] playing the part of the superhero, or because it just makes life easier, as in, doing all the errands because their partner is anxious about driving,” said Thieda, who also created the popular blog “Partners in Wellness” on Psych Central.

However, making accommodations actually exacerbates your partner’s anxiety. For one, she said, it gives your partner zero incentive to overcome their anxiety. And, secondly, it sends the message that there really is something to fear, which only fuels their anxiety.

3. Set boundaries.

Your partner might continue asking for accommodations, such as having you drive everywhere or regularly stay home with them, Thieda said. “You have the right to have a life, too, and this may mean telling your partner on occasion, and in a loving way, that you are going to do what you want and need to do.”

In her book Thieda devotes an entire chapter to effectively communicating this to your partner. Essentially, she suggests being empathetic, using “I” statements and giving specific requests.

For instance, she gives the following examples: Instead of saying, “You worry too much about what other people think of you,” you might say, “I’m concerned that your fears about what others think of you are holding you back at work.”

Instead of saying, “Don’t call me at work so much,” you might say, “It would be helpful if you would try some of the techniques you’ve learned for calming yourself down before calling me at the office.”

Also, “always consider whether a compromise is possible, but also recognize that you have the right to do things independently,” she said.

4. Relax together.

There are many techniques you can try together to alleviate anxiety. According to Thieda, “The body scan is a great couples mindfulness technique because one person can guide the other through the process.”

This promotes mindfulness for both partners. The partner giving instructions needs to pay attention to timing and the specific directions, she said. And the partner receiving the instructions needs to pay attention to each body part and releasing its tension, she said. (Here’s a sample body scan.)

5. Focus on your own care.

According to Thieda in her book, “When you live with an anxious partner, there can be a lot of tension in your relationship and in your home. Having self-care routines and plans in place can help you neutralize the static.”

Consider what you’re already “doing to promote physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, professional, and relationship health,” Thieda said. Assessing where you are helps you better understand where you need to go. For instance, you might want to set goals about improving your health or seek support from others, she said. You might want to work with a therapist or attend support groups.

What to Do When Your Partner Refuses Treatment

Anxiety is highly treatable. But your partner might not want to seek professional help. Thieda suggested considering the reasons behind their refusal.

For instance, they might’ve tried treatment before but it didn’t work. One reason treatment “fails” is because it’s not the right treatment for the person’s anxiety. According to Thieda, “It is best to work with a professional who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques and is specifically trained in working with people who struggle with anxiety.”

They might’ve tried medication or psychotherapy alone, but they’d do better with a combination of treatments, she said. It’s also possible that your partner tried to take on too much, and ended up feeling even more anxious. “Maybe they need to approach their treatment in a different way, breaking down the challenges into smaller, more manageable pieces.”

Ultimately, the decision to seek treatment rests with your partner, Thieda said. “No amount of begging, pleading, or threatening is going to be effective, and will likely make things worse.”

The best thing you can do is to be supportive, encouraging and loving when they do decide to seek help, she said.

Having a spouse who’s struggling with anxiety can naturally become stressful for partners. But while this can be challenging, by educating yourself, setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-care, you can truly help your spouse and your relationship.

Melissa and Tom (whose names have been changed to protect their privacy) argued as they drove to meet their vocal coach.

“Why do you want to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings?” she asked. “It’s such a cliché, and I’ll never hear the end of it from my Dad.”

“You’re not doing much better with that Shania Twain song,” Tom rebutted, “Everyone’s going to hear it and remember that Shania Twain’s husband left her for the assistant. Doesn’t bode well, does it?”

Melissa and Tom were determined to make their June wedding an entertaining event, complete with readings by Melissa’s sisters, both of whom are actresses, and additional music by Tom’s brother, who is a singer/songwriter. Melissa wanted to wear a green dress to symbolize her commitment to environmental issues, but Tom worried that people would think it was strange.

So many details! Should they select chairs by price or comfort? Should they go with freesia or flowers that are more showy? Which kind of champagne should they choose for the toast? Chocolate fountain or Viennese table? And then there are the seating charts.

Tom and Melissa spend their non-working hours fighting about, well, everything wedding-related. Tom is beginning to question whether he really wants to marry Melissa, and Melissa wonders why she never noticed how conventional Tom is. Does he really value his uptight relatives’ opinions about the color of her dress more than he cares about her only opportunity to don her dream dress?

Does their situation sound familiar to you? We’ve all known a Bridezilla or two — women who are so over-the-top about the wedding that they forget about the groom. But what happens to couples that get so lost in wedding planning that they forget to focus on the bigger issue — namely, the marriage that lies ahead?

With that question in mind, here are my “lucky seven” suggestions for getting the focus where it belongs, so that you and your fiancé can get your marriage off to a good start:

1. Relax about the appearances, starting with yourself and your fiance.

This is not the time to drop twenty pounds, become a marathon runner or turn him into a gym rat. My client Emma got engaged to Kurt (both names have been changed), booked a personal trainer for three sessions a week, and began a crash diet. Eight months after the wedding, she came to see me because she wasn’t enjoying her life — just as she hadn’t enjoyed her engagement or her wedding.

Thinking back about her wedding, she said, “I have beautiful wedding pictures, but I wish I’d bagged the trainer and the diet and had fun instead! I was a size zero on my wedding day, and Kurt jokingly referred to me as his incredible shrinking bride. He likes curves, but I was stuck on this idea that if I was the thinnest, blondest bride, I’d be the happiest bride.” She laughs ruefully. “So there I was: the most uptight bride. And poor Kurt! I had him biking thirty miles five days a week to get in shape. Not fun!”

2. The devil is in the details.

Usually that phrase means to pay attention to the details, but if you get stuck in all the wedding details, you’re missing the fun. Is anyone really going to remember whether you had the lavender napkins or the deep purple ones? If they do, that’s their problem! I assure you that beveled edges on the cakestand can’t guarantee a good marriage.

3. Stick to your budget.

Your relationship isn’t going to fail if you get married in a garden or a church instead of a Spanish castle, but regardless of the venue, there are choices all along the way that can either break your budget or respect it. Why start your marriage with the stress of unnecessary debt? The wedding is about your commitment to each other; it’s not proof of your magnificence.

4. Don’t stress over the wedding vows.

Approach your wedding vows as something you want to say to your partner, rather than a proclamation to the world of your love or proof of your brilliance. Steve and Betsy (names changed) spent several weekends camped out at opposite ends of their apartment with writer’s block, trying to compose the perfect wedding vows. Would people think the vows were silly? Were they too emotional? Too unconventional? Too sexist?

I suggested that they talk to each other about what they especially love about each other, something they struggle to accept about each other, and take their vows from that. After all, It’s not for Bartlett’s Quotations; it’s for you and your partner. And since you and your partner are not Tom Hanks winning an Academy Award and using the acceptance speech as a love letter to your partner, take the pressure off and remember that the traditional vows are there for a reason. Alternatively, you can look online for some that fit your style.

5. Think of the reception as a fun party for you to enjoy with your friends and family.

One bride’s father had the idea that the reception should be a cabaret show, and it was his responsibility to keep all the guests entertained. The bride and groom wanted something fun and low-key, not a spectacle that demanded everyone’s attention. They put together a playlist of songs that had meaning for them, ones they knew their older relatives enjoyed, and ones they knew would get people out on the dance floor. They looked at the reception as a fun party, not a place to prove their talent, hipness or anything else.

6. If possible, outsource the planning.

Jane’s mother loves planning parties and was thrilled that Jane and Philip (names changed) gave her the basic idea of what they wanted before turning her loose to be creative. Meanwhile, Eliza and Mark (names changed) couldn’t afford a wedding planner and didn’t have relatives who could pitch in, but they had a group of very talented friends who volunteered to manage the various parts. They gave each friend a budget and free rein.

One friend was a sous chef at a fancy restaurant who volunteered to prepare the food, another one did the flowers, Eliza’s brother sang at the ceremony and had musician friends join him to provide music for the party, and Mark’s sister shot video. If you don’t have a close relative with those talents who’s enthusiastic about taking on the plans, hire a wedding planner.

7. Remember that you and your partner are on the same side!

Your partner may not be as interested in all of the “stuff” as you are, whether it’s registry “stuff” or what type of wedding you have. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong or doesn’t care about you. It just means that he’s not you.

Not everyone has an opinion about everything connected with the wedding. He may be more focused on planning a fun trip and enjoying being together when the whole thing’s done. He may be more interested in marrying you than in being your groom. When you have a difference of opinion or approach, stop and say — aloud, or to yourself — “I think we’ve forgotten we’re on the same team, which is the whole point! Let me do something warm to connect with you.”

These “lucky seven” tips are variations on a theme: It’s the marriage that’s important. If you and your partner can stay on the same side, relax about appearances, compromise and have fun with each other along the way, you’ve learned some of the basics of a satisfying married life!

More marriage advice from YourTango:

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married?

According to relationship expert Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, the best way to get closer and improve communication is to “come to therapy with your partner.”

But there are many ways you can build closeness outside the therapy couch, she said. Here are five strategies to try.

1. Check in with each other daily.

“Leading couples therapists recommend creating an established time each day for couples to touch base with each other,” said Rastogi, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill. For instance, family therapist William Doherty and his wife carved out 15 minutes after dinner for checking in with each other, she said.

What should you talk about? Julie Hanks, LCSW, owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy and Psych Central blogger, suggested focusing on your emotional connection.

“Ask your partner how they are doing emotionally overall, and also specifically how close they feel to you.” For instance, you might ask each other, “Do you feel open and connected? Or distant? Or somewhere in between? Is there anything you want to share with me?”

2. Participate in new activities.

According to Rastogi, her couples clients have tried everything from hot yoga to salsa lessons to massage classes, which “helped them get closer on many different levels.”

3. Give each other space.

Getting closer by being apart sounds counterintuitive. But “time apart allows partners to grow in ways in which they complement their partners,” Rastogi said. Plus, “No one person can ever meet all your needs for your entire adult life!”

So partners might schedule time for their individual interests and passions, and hang out separately with their friends. Rastogi quoted Khalil Gibran, who once said: “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

4. Consider your partner’s needs.

If your partner seems angry, withdrawn or conflicted, ask them “What do you need?” Rastogi said. “This allows the couple to explore emotions, and also positions the other partner as validating, and available to help.” It shows your partner you support and care about them. And it no doubt soothes the sting from conflict and puts you back on the same team.

5. Explore deeper emotions together.

If certain issues really rile up your partner, there’s probably more beneath the surface. If they seem especially upset about something, Hanks suggested asking, “When have you felt that way before?” In her work with couples, she’s “found that if they can explore deeper emotions together and link it to their past family patterns, [then] empathy and understanding flourish.”

Love is not enough, however, to play the game well. Love is not enough to get you where you want to go. Love is not enough for a healthy marriage.

Marriages are a test of our emotional and life skills. Since most of us were never taught many of these skills, it is no surprise that so many marriages, even those that are based in love, are a continual struggle and often fall apart.

The following is a list of various, interrelated emotional and life skills that are necessary for a well-functioning marriage. As you read through the list, ask yourself: Which of these am I good at? Which of these do I need to improve? Which of these are hard or nearly impossible for me? Are there any skills that I think are missing from this list?

Emotional & Life Skills Necessary for a Healthy Marriage

1. An ability to know and name your emotions at any given time.
2. An ability to communicate your emotions verbally and directly.
3. An ability to manage the full range of your emotions without acting out destructively toward yourself or others. (Acting out destructively means channeling your internal feelings into behaviors that cause emotional or physical damage to yourself or others.)
4. An understanding of what helps you to manage emotions, and a willingness and ability to seek those supports when necessary.
5. An ability to tolerate feeling a lack of connection to your partner sometimes.
6. An ability to disconnect from other people, technology, and other types of stimulation, and to be alone with yourself.
7. An awareness of your physical needs and a willingness to make choices that optimize your physical health.
8. An ability to be emotionally present for a loved one even when you are unable to do anything to fix his or her pain or suffering.
9. An ability to laugh at yourself.
10. An ability to see how your actions, even when well-meant, can sometimes negatively affect others.
11. An ability to apologize and take responsibility for the way your actions affect others.
12. An ability to communicate verbally, directly, gently, and respectfully to others when their actions affect you negatively.
13. An ability to receive critical feedback without blocking it through defensive tactics such as denial, shifting of blame, playing the victim, or bullying.
14. An ability to identify what you need or want from others and communicate that verbally and directly.
15. An ability to tolerate feeling disappointed by others without acting out destructively toward yourself or others.
16. An ability to tolerate the experience of having others disappointed in you, without acting out destructively toward yourself or others.
17. An ability to step back, gain perspective on any given situation, and see it in the context of the big and complex picture of life.
18. An ability to step back and see the whole picture of yourself or another person, in all of its complexity, shades of grey, and seemingly contradictory parts.
19. An ability to have another person see all the different parts of you, even those parts that you dislike or detest.
20. An ability to tolerate sometimes feeling misunderstood or inaccurately perceived by others.
21. An ability to allow space for another person’s thoughts, ideas, perceptions, or feelings, even if they seem wrong to you.
22. An ability to ask for space for your own thoughts, ideas, perceptions, or feelings, even if they may cause conflict or upset others.
23. An acceptance that there are pros and cons to any choice, and that there is no way to avoid sacrifice, compromise, and dissatisfaction.
24. An ability to move beyond your own thoughts, ideas, or fears, and truly understand how another person is feeling.
25. An ability to verbally and directly show that you understand how the other person is feeling.
26. A basic competency in navigating the world professionally, socially, and practically.
27. An ability to face your aging and death, and the aging and death of others, without acting out destructively toward yourself or others.
28. An ability to let go of pain from the past, forgive yourself or others, and refocus on the present moment.
29. A basic level of competence in organizing your daily life and managing time.
30. An ability to tolerate feeling bored and dissatisfied.
31. An ability to seek and explore ways to grow, expand, and change.
32. An ability to set limits and boundaries with others and with your environment in order to take care of your own emotional, mental, and physical health.
33. An ability to recognize the experiences of feeling powerless or out of control, and to tolerate those feelings without acting out destructively on yourself or others.
34. An ability to respect and accept other people’s boundaries, even if they upset you, without acting out destructively toward yourself or others.
35. An ability to tolerate the possibility of being rejected or abandoned by your loved ones without trying to ‘close off their exit door’ through controlling behaviors, inducing guilt or threatening to be destructive to yourself or to them if they leave you.
36. An ability to remain reasonably calm during difficult discussions or conflicts with others.
37. An ability to agree to disagree, make compromises and create solutions to conflict.

Do not despair if you are not good at some of these skills. A marriage, fueled by love, has an excellent chance at health if you and your partner are simply committed to working on developing competency in these areas. No one ever reaches perfect mastery in this realm. We all muddle through as best as we can.

If you truly want a healthy marriage, however, take responsibility to evaluate what you need to work on and get whatever support you need to improve your skills.

Harder is a few years into it, and realizing that while the newness has worn off, we may not have all the skills necessary to keep the relationship good and growing.

That’s why I’m pleased to welcome two great relationship experts, Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW, and their blog, Building Relationship Skills. They’ve written two enlightening books on the subject, and teach workshops across the country about the skills needed to build great and enduring relationships.

As they say,

While everyone would like good relationships, the process of actually creating them is often more challenging than we expect it to be. Few of us have had good models or adequate education in regard to this subject.

Linda and Charlie offer the support and guidance needed to develop relationship skills along with the practices necessary to sustain and integrate them into our lives on a long-term basis.

Please give them a warm Psych Central welcome over at their new blog, Building Relationship Skills today!

The challenges facing a person who is married or in a relationship with someone who has untreated Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD or ADHD) can be difficult to navigate.

These challenges may be completely hidden to the rest of the world. No one seems to understand what you struggle with. Your spouse is such a “great guy” and may appear “together” to everyone else.

This article attempts to address some of the predictable patterns that one may experience being married to someone with ADD or ADHD and why it creates such difficulty. 

Being married to someone with untreated ADD is often fraught with a predictable progressive pattern that goes from happy to confused to angry, and finally, to hopeless. How does this happen and why is this so predictable in couples whose spouses have untreated ADD or ADHD?

In an attempt to answer that question let’s look at some of the patterns that typically come up in these kinds of relationships.  It is important to recognize the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, especially if you suspect your relationship might struggle due to this disorder.

In the beginning phase of the courtship between you and your ADD spouse, you may have been completely swept off your feet or ravished with both attention and affection, while being the primary focus of your partner’s life. His “hyperfocus” on the relationship probably felt intoxicating and romantic. But, this feeling faded over time.

When someone with ADD enters into a new romantic relationship, the initial excitement feels so stimulating to the ADD brain (which is being flooded with adrenaline and endorphins) that it causes the person to completely turn their attention to you. However, this kind of excitement diminishes over time, along with the adrenaline rush as the ADD spouse looks elsewhere for stimulation.

Of course, this is not conscious on his part, and he may not even be aware that this has happened. However, as time goes on, the non-ADD partner may experience the following seven feelings associated with his/her spouse’s need to find stimulation in places outside of the marital relationship:

1. A sense of rejection. Individuals with ADD may often be distracted and find it difficult to pay attention to their partner. This may lead you to feel neglected or it may be interpreted as disinterest on the part of your spouse.

2. Loneliness. If your partner seems disinterested in what you are saying or appears to ignore you, it would be easy to understand that one might feel lonely.

3. Feeling ignored. Partners of individuals with ADD often get the feeling that all their good advice and suggestions are not taken to heart. This may cause the non – ADD partner to feel ignored, disrespected or offended.

4. Frustration or anger. The same kinds of problems keep presenting themselves over and over again. It is difficult to understand how you can have discussions around a problem, think that you are being understood and still the same problem persists.

Resentment and anger become pervasive when one feels disregarded, disrespected, ignored and often alone in the relationship. Some spouses will become irate and scream at their partner, while others will shut down and block all emotions. This will leave a partner in the cold. Either way, one can see how this pattern becomes increasingly destructive.

5. Exhaustion. As the non-ADD spouse tries to compensate for the lack of equal sharing or follow through in responsibilities, you can often feel depleted. As if no amount of effort seems to resolve these same issues that continue to plague your marriage.

Due to the inconsistency in your spouse’s ability to follow through and remember to do things, the feelings of being burdened with more of your fair share of responsibilities can create more feelings of stress.

6. A sense of hopelessness. When one’s best effort to resolve these problems go nowhere, the sense of sadness and lack of hope may pervade the relationship and lead to a separation or divorce. 

There is hope. With understanding and knowledge, one can transcend these feelings and find a new way of being in the relationship. Learning all you can about ADD and how it affects your partner is vital. It is important to remember that even though your partner may no longer be hyper-focused on you and your relationship, that does not mean he does not still love you.

Since he probably isn’t even aware that your relationship has changed, he might not understand why you are always so angry and demanding. Your increasing frustration, anger and demands only further damage any chances of communication or intimacy, as your partner feels that he can never please you and that he is not enough.

He might feel unloved. Patterns of frustration and anger can be avoided when both partners understand the way the ADD symptoms are affecting your marriage. You must learn different behaviors to heal these kinds of wounds through education, communication and counseling.

More marriage advice from YourTango Experts: 

• 4 Skills You Need Before Getting Married
• Why Do Men Get Married? [VIDEO]

For more articles and help with these kinds of issues, please visit my blog at addadults.net/blog.

I find that people are coming to me with relationship issues over and over again. When I ask for some history or background, I inevitably see that there is no ‘relationship maintenance’ being done by either partner.

“Relationship maintenance” can be equated to a beautifully kept garden. It didn’t just grow wild and appear beautiful overnight.

It’s more than likely that there were some foundations put in place — for example, a strong surface to hold the garden seat in the peaceful sitting area. Some other areas where beautiful plants are blooming need less preparation. Places where where more wild or natural plants are living freely don’t require as much effort from you. In some parts of the garden there may be a special feature, maybe a water feature or sculpture.

These elements all go into making a garden complete. On their own they don’t look like much, but together they give the garden form, design and a life that can be interesting through all seasons, even when it’s cold.

All this takes time and effort, work and thought. It doesn’t just happen, even if money is thrown at it. It takes time for plants to bed in and settle, to see if they like their new environment.

Relationships are very much like gardens. They need time to settle. They need creativity. They need interest that will see both people through over the long term, not just in the good times.

There are times when your relationship can be left to its own devices, as the wild part of a garden is, but your relationship needs to be cultivated. Old and dying parts need extra care, weeds and bugs need to be monitored and if causing a problem, removed.

One of the best ways I know to create a good relationship is the same philosophy I use in my garden. I look at it over a period of time and see it as a project. Are there times when it looks drab and abandoned or is it always in as good of shape as it can be?

Of course there will be times when both our garden and our relationship will be ravaged by challenges. For the garden, those challenges usually involve extremes of temperature or storms. For our relationships, it’s the things that life throws at us, what I call life’s challenges. We have to work together to overcome them and we have to respond before too much damage is done.

Good relationship maintenance is essential to create a happy and fulfilling environment.

One great way to do this is to have regular weekly or biweekly ‘check-ins,’ regular chats about the state of your relationship. I find it’s best done over coffee or a cup of tea, when you will not be disturbed or distracted and can give your partner your full attention.

It should last only 10 to 20 minutes; if it’s a regular thing, there won’t be a need for long drawn-out chats. When things come up that need addressing but for which you lack the time at the moment, schedule them for your next check-in.

Check-ins are a good way to keep molehills from becoming mountains and it really is a good feeling to deal with things when they are still small and less troublesome.

I have been using the garden/relationship metaphor in my life for several years. The garden may change, but the work needed to maintain it doesn’t. My friends will always ask me, ‘is everything in the garden rosy?’ Of course they know that a garden full of roses would be boring. They have gardens too. Many have check-ins with their partners and most are in healthy, happy relationships.

According to Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships, “Relationships don’t magically take care of themselves — as with most living organisms, they need nurturing.”

Throughout the years, in her private practice, Steinorth has seen the same problems plague all relationships. She identified poor communication and poor conflict resolution skills as the most common concerns.

In fact, she called poor conflict resolution skills “the kiss of death,” for even the best relationships. “If you assassinate your partner’s character every time you have an argument and hold grudges from one argument to the next, I can pretty much promise you that your relationship will end up a sad state of affairs.”

And these skills are just as relevant and essential for your family, friends, boss and co-workers. Below, Steinorth offered 10 pointers for improving any relationship.

Improve Your Relationship

1. Listen intently.

There’s a difference between hearing a person and truly listening to them. Listening is a skill, which requires many elements, such as making eye contact and observing the person’s body language, Steinorth said.

It also includes giving the person your undivided attention. This might go without saying, but in our plugged-in world, distraction is merely an electronic device away. That’s why Steinorth suggested powering down all your tech tools while having a heart-to-heart, or really any talk.

She also suggested spouses carve out 10 minutes each morning and night to talk and connect. “It can make a world of difference in your relationship.”

2. Practice small acts of kindness.

“Act loving even when you don’t feel like it, because people will always remember the way you make them feel,” Steinorth said. She encouraged readers to be thoughtful and compassionate. For instance, you can rub your spouse’s shoulders or take your close friend to lunch.

3. Avoid second-guessing what people say.

Most of us tend to respond to other people’s thoughts and feelings from our perspective, Steinorth said. But “If you want to take your communication skills from good to great, one of the best things you can do is actually listen to another person and believe they mean, feel and want exactly what they just said…”

Because if no one means what they say, then how can any person be trusted? she said. “Don’t substitute your own thoughts, feelings or judgments for what is being said to you.”

4. Be mindful about when to approach people.

“Do your best to ensure that the person you are going to talk to is in the right frame of mind to receive the message you want to send,” Steinorth said. In other words, if your boss seems stressed, wait until they’re relatively relaxed to request a raise, she said.

5. Empathize during conflicts.

“It’s OK to argue and disagree [but] just do it effectively,” Steinorth said. One way to do that is to empathize with others during a disagreement.

“[Consider] that the other person you’re having a conflict with probably feels like you do. This will help you approach the situation with more patience and understanding as ideally these are things you are seeking as well.”

Be open to their opinion, just like you’d want them to be open to yours, she said. This can be tough in the heat of a debate, so, before responding, pause for five to 10 minutes to remind yourself.

6. Fight fair.

Again, it’s not conflict that chips away at relationships; it’s how you approach conflict that causes problems. “Learn to address the subject, not the person, stay focused, don’t bring in stuff from old arguments, seek compromise if you can’t seek resolution and don’t bad mouth [your loved ones],” Steinorth said.

7. Be prepared to bend.

Sometimes bending is more important than standing your ground. All relationships require compromise. As Steinorth said, “If you value your friendship and the other aspects of it are good, would it really be so bad to give up on a few argument points if it means your relationship will continue?” Usually it’s not bad at all.

8. Tend to your relationship’s needs.

“If you value your relationship with someone, be sure to give it what it needs—be it time, compassion or love,” Steinorth said. If you’re not sure what they need, just ask them, “What can I do to help you feel better?” or “What would you like from me?” she said.

9. Pay attention to the give and take in your relationships.

“Be aware of what you are bringing and taking from your relationships with others,” Steinorth said. That doesn’t mean keeping score. In fact, there will be times in every relationship when one person needs more than the other, she said. “But overall in the healthiest of relationships the scales should pretty much balance out.” One possible sign of imbalance? “You feel that you could never ask the other person for what they ask of you.”

10. Be someone others want to be around.

What types of people do you like to spend time with? What types of people do you not like to spend time with? For instance, if you commonly nag, complain and dish out passive-aggressive comments, your relationships will suffer, Steinorth said.

Relationships blossom when you tend to them, truly listen and resolve conflict effectively. “When you’re able to do this, it can help you in many areas of your life…you have a better chance of getting promoted, your relationship will be better with your spouse because you know how to clear the air without destroying one another in the process and you can teach your children these skills by role modeling them,” Steinorth said.

Not necessarily the physical kind — though those are great to give and receive too.

No, what I’m talking about creates the foundation for a healthy, growing relationship. Because if your relationship isn’t growing, it’s stagnating or worse — declining. Relationships — like anything you want to succeed in life — need constant attention and care. Fail to attend to them regularly, and they may whither and die.

Each letter in the acronym BACK RUB stands for something vital to a good relationship. Click through to see what they are.

Believe.

To believe in your spouse means to show them that you see them as a competent and capable individual. This has a positive psychological impact on your spouse’s self-esteem. Daily responsibilities require planning, decision-making, and action. It is essential to understand that nobody is perfect. Performance-driven esteem comes and goes. Communicating belief in your spouse helps removes fear of disappointment.

Affection.

Affection is demonstrated through both verbal and physical touch. Affectionate words express love, desire, thankfulness, and appreciation. In the book “5 Love Languages,” author Gary Chapman discusses the language of “words of affirmation.” He writes these words are to be encouraging, kind, and humble.

The other form of affection is physical intimacy and touch. This is one of the strongest bonds between a husband and wife. Physical intimacy is not just sexual touch. It is any touch that promotes closeness and acceptance of your spouse. Sexual touch is one of, if not the most important type of affection. Healthy physical affection has a lasting impact on the emotional and psychological well-being of a marriage.

Compassion.

This involves providing support, empathy, and sympathy when your spouse has struggles, hurts, and losses. Do this by giving your time, your presence, and your comfort. Caring and comforting promotes relational security that helps provide reassurance that your spouse is your priority.

Kindness.

Kindness is defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary as “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.” Kindness requires being mindful of how you talk and help your spouse day to day. It is also the filter you use when you are in conflict. Remembering to be “kind” even in disagreements help preserve the relational integrity that can help your marriage thrive.

Respect.

“Disrespected” is one of the complaints I hear most often from couples in my work as a therapist. They seem to find the word hard to define. Merriam-Webster defines disrespect as “to show or express disrespect or contempt for.” Does this clear up what “disrespect” means? Not really. I have found it helpful to define it this way: It is personalizing an attitude or behavior that one spouse shows toward another.

Sometimes disrespect is obvious and other times it is perceived. A person is likely to feel disrespected when either their personhood or values have been violated. There are many ways to challenge couples to improve their willingness and ability to improve on showing respect to one another. One of the things I would recommend is to put a “face” on the problem. Identify the attitude or behavior that is problematic. Share ways you feel and know you’re being respected and respectful to each other. Using the B.A.C.K. R.U.B. method also can have a positive impact on improving respect.

Understanding.

While you may not always agree, having the ability to demonstrate understanding with each other is one key to acceptance of each other. Having a willing spirit to demonstrate “understanding” helps couples share in the joys and sorrows of life. It can also challenge you to “surrender.” That does not mean to wave the white flag and give up. It means to be flexible and willing to comprehend your spouse, thereby helping create a harmonious relationship. It promotes interdependence.

Balance.

I admit that sometimes I despise this word. What is balance? I like to think of it as having some ability to effectively manage your energy. Many of us experience the need to meet many obligations, some by choice and some by responsibility. Finding balance in your personal life is important to avoid burnout and dissatisfaction.

Balance in marriage is important. Placing a priority on relationship time, not just taking time, helps us stay connected. If you feel disconnected and out of balance, be willing to talk and listen to each other. Figure out what is interfering with your relationship and what it will take to re-establish balance and connection. It may require a couples-only vacation. It may require patience as things in your life are being worked out. It may require a significant and life-altering change (moving, change in friends, change in jobs).

Whatever catalyst you need to restore balance, honestly assess it and find a solution that places the integrity of the relationship first and foremost.

I tend to think that sometimes people walk into relationships that ultimately fill a void. They look to the other person to give them something that they cannot give to themselves, such as a sense of security.

Sometimes we don’t even realize that we may be in the middle of acquiring a safety net. The realization that someone else is doing the saving may be romanticized (think about the enchantment of being “rescued”). But if you don’t do the work and confront yourself what needs to be confronted, you’ll never really be able to learn those lessons and move forward.

This “saving mindset” was demonstrated in one of the more recent episodes of the HBO series “Girls.”

The characters Jessa and Thomas John entered into a whirlwind marriage pretty quickly, without really weighing whether they were right for each other. They most certainly were incompatible, but they latched onto each other, hoping to fulfill what they each personally found to be lacking within themselves.

Jessa is a free spirit and floats to various relationships, trying to cure her boredom. Thomas John is made out to be someone who wasn’t the most popular guy with women, and someone who may have possibly rushed into his relationship with Jessa out of fear of being alone. Based on the glass-shattering breakup scene, the relationship ultimately fell apart; they couldn’t save each other. They’ll have to save themselves.

On a similar level, Psych Central’s article entitled Self-ishness: The Key To Finding Lasting Love discusses the conception of “completion” when it comes to love. This is an idea in American culture that another person can become your “other half” in an attempt to give you what you feel isn’t present within yourself.

I actually used to adhere to that belief, but then realized that it didn’t make much sense. Shouldn’t a relationship consist of two “whole” individuals who want to proceed through life together?

“Wanting others to fill in your ‘blanks’ is a delightful fantasy,” author Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D, said. “Wouldn’t we all like someone else to do the hard work necessary for helping us grow up? But growing up by definition requires effort.”

We may find ourselves in relationships that feed what may be absent within ourselves. We may be looking for someone to “save” us or complete the missing puzzle piece. As idyllic as it may sound, it’s more helpful to do the emotional work yourself, without depending on another to make you feel whole.