Divorce and breakups are hard for most people. It’s probably one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through, next to the death of a loved one, or getting a letter from the IRS. Yet for others, it’s a blast of freedom, a chance to reset and start again.

But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.

Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.

Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”

When we are growing up, we learn from everybody around us. We learn how to interact with others; how to share, how to eat, how to think. We believe most of what we are told growing up, and if we don’t believe it, we might be shouted at, or told we are wrong; and we soon learn not to speak up, to ‘swallow’ others’ opinions we don’t necessarily agree with at the time.

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

“No matter how many years go by, I’ll know one thing to be as true as ever was.”
~ Dear John

If I got paid for every time I tried to convince someone to watch Dear John, I’d probably have quite the sum of money. Honestly, all it takes is hearing the theme by Deborah Lurie, and my emotional state heightens at the possibility of something great, even with the lingering undertones of hurt and heartache.

Whether it’s Dear John, The Notebook, or other romantic flicks that require Kleenex, I appreciate films that showcase what many deem as “unrealistic” narratives.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Falling in love can be amazing! The excitement of meeting someone new brings out the best in all of us; the journey ahead feels like an open road full of possibility.

But then something happens: Either the relationship starts to feel stale, or perhaps money issues, kids, or trying to figure out a comfortable work-life balance comes into play. Whatever the cause, the initial spark dims or goes out altogether, and the future of your relationship becomes a long and winding road, full of pit stops and flat tires.

Well, don’t worry because this happens to everyone. All it means is that it’s time for a tune-up.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Lisa Kaplin.

Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

Having a partner who struggles with anxiety or has an anxiety disorder can be difficult.

“Partners may find themselves in roles they do not want, such as the compromiser, the protector, or the comforter,” says Kate Thieda, MS, LPCA, NCC, a therapist and author of the excellent book Loving Someone with Anxiety.

They might have to bear the brunt of extra responsibilities and avoid certain places or activities that trigger their partner’s anxiety, she said. This can be very stressful for partners and their relationship.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Diane Spear, LCSW-R.

Melissa and Tom (whose names have been changed to protect their privacy) argued as they drove to meet their vocal coach.

“Why do you want to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings?” she asked. “It’s such a cliché, and I’ll never hear the end of it from my Dad.”

“You’re not doing much better with that Shania Twain song,” Tom rebutted, “Everyone’s going to hear it and remember that Shania Twain’s husband left her for the assistant. Doesn’t bode well, does it?”

Melissa and Tom were determined to make their June wedding an entertaining event, complete with readings by Melissa’s sisters, both of whom are actresses, and additional music by Tom’s brother, who is a singer/songwriter. Melissa wanted to wear a green dress to symbolize her commitment to environmental issues, but Tom worried that people would think it was strange.

For couples, getting closer can mean many things. It might mean learning more about each other, sharpening your communication skills, deepening your emotional bond, fighting fair and just having more fun.

According to relationship expert Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, the best way to get closer and improve communication is to “come to therapy with your partner.”

But there are many ways you can build closeness outside the therapy couch, she said. Here are five strategies to try.

1. Check in with each other daily.

“Leading couples therapists recommend creating an established time each day for couples to touch base with each other,” said Rastogi, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill. For instance, family therapist William Doherty and his wife carved out 15 minutes after dinner for checking in with each other, she said.

Love gets you on the road to a healthy marriage. It can get and keep you in the game and help to keep you on the road.

Love is not enough, however, to play the game well. Love is not enough to get you where you want to go. Love is not enough for a healthy marriage.

Marriages are a test of our emotional and life skills. Since most of us were never taught many of these skills, it is no surprise that so many marriages, even those that are based in love, are a continual struggle and often fall apart.

The following is a list of various, interrelated emotional and life skills that are necessary for a well-functioning marriage. As you read through the list, ask yourself: Which of these am I good at? Which of these do I need to improve? Which of these are hard or nearly impossible for me? Are there any skills that I think are missing from this list?

Relationships are perhaps harder than people realize to build and keep going. The easy part is the beginning, when we’re just getting to know one another and everything is new.

Harder is a few years into it, and realizing that while the newness has worn off, we may not have all the skills necessary to keep the relationship good and growing.

That’s why I’m pleased to welcome two great relationship experts, Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW, and their blog, Building Relationship Skills. They’ve written two enlightening books on the subject, and teach workshops across the country about the skills needed to build great and enduring relationships.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Leslie Rouder.

The challenges facing a person who is married or in a relationship with someone who has untreated Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD or ADHD) can be difficult to navigate.

These challenges may be completely hidden to the rest of the world. No one seems to understand what you struggle with. Your spouse is such a “great guy” and may appear “together” to everyone else.

This article attempts to address some of the predictable patterns that one may experience being married to someone with ADD or ADHD and why it creates such difficulty. 

Being married to someone with untreated ADD is often fraught with a predictable progressive pattern that goes from happy to confused to angry, and finally, to hopeless. How does this happen and why is this so predictable in couples whose spouses have untreated ADD or ADHD?

Most people have an appreciation for and an acceptance of that fact that a relationship doesn’t run smoothly on its own. It takes work, but how many people actually do any work? The answer is very few.

I find that people are coming to me with relationship issues over and over again. When I ask for some history or background, I inevitably see that there is no ‘relationship maintenance’ being done by either partner.

“Relationship maintenance” can be equated to a beautifully kept garden. It didn’t just grow wild and appear beautiful overnight.

It’s more than likely that there were some foundations put in place — for example, a strong surface to hold the garden seat in the peaceful sitting area. Some other areas where beautiful plants are blooming need less preparation. Places where where more wild or natural plants are living freely don’t require as much effort from you. In some parts of the garden there may be a special feature, maybe a water feature or sculpture.

These elements all go into making a garden complete. On their own they don’t look like much, but together they give the garden form, design and a life that can be interesting through all seasons, even when it’s cold.