For many, the security of having a job is essential for their well-being. If you know anything about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety and employment are in the second level, just above breathing — so it’s pretty important.

If you are facing the threat of redundancy then I imagine you’re going through many different emotions right now, but there are some things you can do to help you deal with these rumors more easily.

Take my friends, for instance. A few welcome the idea of redundancy and are actively seeking to be made redundant. Others are struggling with the idea, mainly because of their unhealthy thinking about redundancy and how it will ultimately affect them.

It’s important to learn to deal with unknown threats well, otherwise anxiety can become overwhelming. Once that happens, it’s very easy to cause ourselves even more emotional, cognitive, and behavioral problems.

So what can those facing redundancy do?

First, understand that this is a rumor and may not be true. Worrying about something that doesn’t exist or over which you have no control is a waste of time and effort.

Second, check that you are not causing yourself anxiety by creating unhealthy thoughts and putting yourself in a “loss-condition.” That’s when you focus so much on the potential loss that you magnify it and take it to a catastrophic conclusion. For example, a person in a loss-condition might start thinking, “What if I lose my job? I can’t lose my job, that would be awful. What if I don’t find another one and can’t afford to pay my rent? My children won’t be able to go to school and my wife will leave me. I’ll then be alone and homeless on the streets. Oh God, I can’t stand it. This must not happen!”

The problem with creating this loss scenario is that once you think it, your mind will create a visual story of that thought and react accordingly. Your brain will begin to believe that thought is true. The more you think that irrational belief, the quicker your brain will recall that devastating visual and it’ll react to the threat by creating even more anxiety symptoms. Before you know it, you won’t be able to think clearly and cope with the threat or the reality of redundancy.

Essentially, you’ve created a fictitious scenario that your brain believes to be true. You’ll be convinced that this will be your ultimate outcome. This thinking is very dangerous to your health.

Third, while you are focusing on the loss scenario, you are not focused on what you might be able to do to help yourself if the redundancy does become real and does affects you. While you’re becoming more anxious and spending more time thinking about how awful life will be, you could have gotten your resume updated, gotten an idea about the state of your finances, checked out insurance policies to see if you have unemployment payment protection, and so on. (There are many good sites that offer practical advice.)

It’s perfectly healthy to have concerns over being made redundant, because it’s not a small thing. It’s also healthy to be cautious and prepared for the possibility that you may be made redundant. But it’s too easy to let our healthy concerns turn into unhealthy anxiety.

With just a small change in thinking, while rationally assessing the situation, you will be putting yourself in a healthier position to react, and manage any potential loss situation in healthier, more productive ways.

Suggestions abound about the necessity (not mere option) of striving toward certain pinnacles in life, be they health challenges to overcome or professional goals to better implement. The condition of being human in a complex world requires much life-energy spent on going after what’s really important and required of each of us, rather than in chasing distractions.

I like the addition to this philosophy, though, of an element I believe that’s equally required in the mix. It was well stated in a New York Times Career column editorial on Sept. 30, 2012, describing that mere work and dedication are not enough to reach one’s goals.

Real “audacity” must be paired with a balancing measure of “humility.”

Akin to gentle strength — a metaphorical pairing I really latched onto a decade ago (and symbolized for me by a picture of a Sioux woman carrying a heavy burden of wood through snow on her shoulders) — risk and humility go hand in hand. The latter does not temper the trajectory of the extension of the risk-taking — our liabilities do that. Humility simply properly balances the scale, accompanying our grand, significant striving motions that move us forward to what we deserve in our lives, our bodies, our work, our relationships.

You must believe in yourself, your ideas and needs, and go toward what is required and needed for wholeness with a measured sense of humble acknowledgement that our unique assets are indeed worth preserving, declaring, and cultivating.

Attaining something that changes the playing field might seem unreachable to an individual, group or company at any given time. With risk-taking, with the grit of unusual and unique dedication to topics normally resisted, they can be accomplished.

True change is risk paid off as ultimate reward for many — daring to utter the normally not-spoken, pursuing what needs to be addressed that everyone hides their head in the sand about, whether it be mental health or business or cultural issues, and going after the big players who do naught but ill in their work. But it also exposes and celebrates those who create good as individuals and for society.

Things that require over-the-top courage are the very things that will liberate and invigorate an individual as much as the larger whole.

Think in your life where bold steps paid off. Then reflect some more on future risk and reward and link your next steps, with the appropriate measure of humility in the mix — experiential learning, professional advancement, a focus on personal or organizational wellness. Whatever is required, take risks; strive for it. No greater reward will reveal itself than deep personal satisfaction with far-reaching impact.

Now, in addition to your original stressor, you’re under more pressure because you’re scrambling to find lost keys, dealing with hurt feelings or frantically reconstructing forgotten projects.

And on top of that, when stressed, our emotions are running rampant. That scramble for the keys is anything but calm and a remark from your mother about that missed phone call can send you deep into guilt.

It’s easy to attribute these lapses in memory and emotional intensity to simple overload. When we’re stressed it’s typically at least in part because we’ve got too much going on and we just don’t have the capacity to keep up with everything.

Scientists have known what common sense tells us — that stress has an impact on memory and emotion.  But it’s not just that we have a lot going on and aren’t paying attention. Stress actually has an impact on how the brain processes information and stores memories. And research over the last several decades has pinpointed changes in certain areas of the brain during times of stress.

Now new research, published in the Journal of Neuroscience builds on previous understanding of the brain. It suggests that dramatic changes that occur in the brain when under stress are linked to our emotions and scattered memory.

Chronic stress affects two important areas of the brain when it comes to memory: the hippocampus and the amygdala.

In this new research, electrical signals in the brain associated with the formation of factual memories weaken while areas in the brain associated with emotion strengthen.

So, according to these researchers, with increasing stress, our brains are wired to discount factual information and to rely heavily on emotional experiences.

“Our findings suggest that the growing dominance of amygdalar activity over the hippocampus during and even after chronic stress may contribute to the enhanced emotional symptoms, alongside impaired cognitive function, seen in stress-related psychiatric disorders,” the researchers suggest.

So when you’re under stress — like when you’ve forgotten that important work document and your boss makes a comment that causes you to turn to jelly inside — keep in mind that your brain is wired to highlight the emotional part of her message. The factual part of the message may be lost altogether, which can leave you both intensely emotional and failing to act on important facts.

“Between a shaky world economy, increasing unemployment, and related issues, many today are being forced to come to the edge of uncertainty. Just like the baby sparrows, they find themselves leaning into the mystery that change brings, because they have no choice: It’s fly or die.”

For persons struggling with depression and anxiety — and for those of us who are highly sensitive — uncertainty is especially difficult. Forget about learning to fly. The uncertainty itself feels like death and can cripple our efforts to do anything during a time of transition.

I have been living in uncertainty, like many people, ever since December of 2008 when the economy plummeted and the creative fields — like architecture and publishing — took a hard blow, making it extremely difficult to feed a family. In that time, I think I have worked a total of 10 jobs — becoming everything from a defense contractor to a depression “expert.” I even thought about teaching high school morality. Now that’s desperate.

I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with uncertainty, but having lived in that terrain for almost five years now, I’m qualified to offer a few tips of how not to lose it when things are constantly changing.

1. Pay attention to your intention

I’m not a new-age guru. I don’t believe that you can visualize a check for $20,000 and find one in your mailbox the next day. Nor can you get on Oprah by believing you’ll be her next guest. (I tried both of those.) But I do recognize the wisdom in tuning into your intention because therein exists powerful energy that you can tap.

Awhile back I did Deepak Choprah’s exercise of recording my intentions and seeing how many of them actualized. I was surprised at the synchronicity between intention and events. Psychologist Elisha Goldstein writes in his book, The Now Effect: “Our intention is at the root of why we do anything and plays a fundamental role in helping us cultivate a life of happiness or unhappiness. If we set an intention for well-being and place it at the center of our life, we are more likely to be guided toward it.”

2. Tune into the body.

Psychologist Tamar Chansky, Ph.D. reminds us to listen to the body when we get anxious. If you understand why certain symptoms occur in the body – racing heart, dizziness, sweating, stomachaches – and repeat to yourself, “This is a false alarm,” you are less afraid, less panicked by the situation. Knowing that these symptoms are part of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) trying to protect you from danger – part of the primitive regions of the brain mobilizing the “flight-or-fight” response –the reaction becomes less about the situation and more about talking to your body about why it’s freaking out so that you can use the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to restore the body to normalcy, which, in my case, is still pretty panicky.

3. Imagine the worst.

I’m not sure you will find a psychologist to agree with me on this exercise, but it has always worked for me every time I do it. I simply envision what it would look like if my worst nightmare happened. What if my husband and I could not get any architecture gigs or writing assignments? What if we can’t pay for health care insurance and my heart malfunctions (I have a heart disorder)? What if we both come to a bone fide professional dead end? Then I move to my actions. I think about selling our house, moving into a small apartment, and working as a waitress somewhere or maybe as a barista at Starbucks. (If you work more than 20 hours, you get health care insurance.) I research health care insurance options for persons who make minimum wage. Under ObamaCare, my kids, at least, would be covered. I invariably come to the conclusion that we will be okay. All is okay. A huge adjustment. Yes. But we are getting to be pros at that. This exercise makes me fret less about the things that I think I must have and get back to the essentials—literally a warm meal on the table, even if it’s one a day.

I am comforted by the words of Charles Caleb Colton: “Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest fire.”

4. Describe, don’t judge.

In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Steven Hayes, Ph.D. dedicates a few chapters to learning the language of your thoughts and feelings. Especially helpful to me is learning how to distinguish descriptions from evaluations.

Descriptions are “verbalizations linked to the directly observable aspects or features of objects or events.” Example: “I am feeling anxiety, and my heart is beating fast.” Descriptions are the primary attributes of an object or event. They don’t depend on a unique history. In other words, as Hayes, explain, they remain aspects of the event or object regardless of our interaction with them. Evaluations, on the other hand are secondary attributes that revolve around our interactions with objects, events, thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. They are our reactions to events or their aspects. Example: “This anxiety is unbearable.”

If we are feeling anxious about the uncertainty of our job, for example, we can tease apart the language of our thoughts and try to transform an evaluation, “I will be destroyed if I am fired,” to a description, “I am feeling anxious and my job is unstable.” By naming the emotion and the situation, we don’t necessarily have to assign an opinion. Without the opinion, we can process the object, event, etc. without hyperventilation.

5. Learn from fear.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face … You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” My body usually protests against that statement, but theoretically I concur with Eleanor. I sincerely believe the good stuff happens when we are afraid. If we go a lifetime without being scared, as Julia Sorel said, it means we aren’t taking enough chances.

Fear is rather benign in itself. It’s the emotions we attach to it that disable us. If we can confront our fear, or rather approach it as an important messenger, then we can benefit from its presence in our life. What is the fear saying to us? Why is it here? Did it bring roses or chocolate? According to Jones, this is an exercise of getting comfortable with being out of control, of learning to let go of the illusion of control — because we never really had it in the first place — and developing an inner knowing that everything will be okay.

– Bosses who seem clueless to your job requirements; colleagues who can’t relate to you (or vice versa); the stress of deadlines and dissatisfaction of being in a job you are not even sure you belong in.

- Family members who throw plans into disarray, disregard you and have you questioning your commitment (as well as your sanity). Perhaps adult siblings who ask for money or come to you for advice, only for you to soon find yourself involved in maddening family triangles, or aunts and uncles who pull you into long-entrenched but silly feuds.

- Then of course there are friends who you would like to shake to knock some sense or self-reflection into.

Get the picture?

How do you cope with the trials and tribulations of being human and having to live and work among others? Laugh it off? (That’s a good element, actually.)

Acceptance, compromise, courage when really required — these are all noble and important and at the far other end of the spectrum from laughter.

But the balm that beats all, for the problems that really plague us interpersonally and professionally, is self-development. Nothing sends challenges packing quicker than a little introspection and self involvement. (No, not narcissistic self involvement.)

All the above-mentioned challenges and more can temporarily vanish, periodically dissipate and just plain lose their grip on what you see as as your life and identity with some sense of self worth. Simply finding ourselves behind the mess that often is the outer world — our chaotic office space, our cluttered family room, our ugly political arenas — can make all that other stuff take the side or back seat that it really should be occupying.

If your life really is a big mess due to situations beyond your control, then you can create an internal space that can stimulate you, be your harbor and even guide your larger path professionally.

What calms you? Woodworking, walks in the woods, gardening, hanging with your dog or cat, playing music, painting, delving into family history, learning another language, exploring new sites? Figure out what is your balm. You’ll probably find your self in the process, and be on the way toward alleviating the messes of life and much more.

What fascinates and passionately motivates you? Maybe it’s one of those items mentioned above as calming agents. Or maybe it’s tinkering with mechanical systems, live theater, jogging, studying the stars, writing poetry, working with youth, coming up with new theories for work challenges, organizing spaces, coordinating people and projects.

What makes you tick is what takes you away from troubles. Go toward it. You will be going toward a larger sense of your life and self.

You may already know what grounds you and what energizes you but apply them far too infrequently in your life. Increase it, if even in small increments.

Surprise may come. Did we forget about all that described dysfunction and trouble? No, it is still there, likely. But you have assigned its place in the larger sense of who you are. By going toward calm and captivating experiences, you’ll be shocked to discover previous personal pain alleviated in the moment, stings of rejection at work or indecision on home matters lessened, the itch quieted of desiring something more but not knowing what in your career. By this new “escape” from the mess, you just may find solutions to those larger matters at play in your life, as well — all by reflecting and acting on your self.

Then I was going to relate the story about how, in the summer of 2002, I chose to stop taking my medicine the way my doctor directed me to take it, and then I stopped taking my medicine at all.

This was a bad choice. As a result, my illness became an emergency.

Nine hours in the ICU, four days in a private room, and two more weeks of hospital care brought a bill that topped $95,000.

The cost of nine years of care was eaten up by just a few weeks of my irresponsibility. That was cost that the health care industry, including my insurance company, would not have had to bear if I had only taken my medicine as directed.

It then seemed easy for me to extend this argument to all patients with any chronic disease. Do what your doctor tells you and your condition should improve, or, at least, be far less likely to worsen. By patients only complying with their prescribed treatment regimens the cost of health care in the United States would go down.

How much? A lot. As a matter of fact, a New England Healthcare Institute study of health care costs in the United States pegged the added cost of care due to patient noncompliance at $290 billion. That’s 15 percent of the country’s total annual health care cost. And a Medco study found that only 50 to 65 percent of patients with chronic conditions adhere to the medication therapy prescribed for them.

It seemed clear. I am, for my lost summer, and everyone else who does not take responsibility for their own treatment, everyone who does not comply with their doctor’s orders, are responsible for the high cost of health care in the United States.

When noncompliant, a person does not take his or her medicine as directed. This often leads to their condition worsening and results in higher costs of doctor visits, emergency room visits, and hospitalizations. On the other hand, medication compliance can significantly reduce these costs.

According to Medco, for every dollar spent on diabetes medication medical cost savings are $7.00, for every dollar spent on high cholesterol medication medical cost savings are $5.10, and savings of $3.98 are found for every dollar spent on prescription medication for high blood pressure. Mental illness costs are surely similar.

So if simply taking one’s medicine can lead to lower total health care costs, why are so many patients not taking their medication as prescribed?

Reasons for noncompliance include side effects, lack of continuing symptoms, and, yes, irresponsibility. But cost may loom largest.

I have always had health insurance. The co-payment for my medicine is $49 per month when I’m stable (it was higher, but one drug went generic). It goes up during rough patches. I’m responsible. I pay it. I’m well. I thought, perhaps I adhere to my treatment regimen because I am so heavily invested in it.

Maybe if everyone paid a larger share of his own health care bill, compliance with treatment would increase. Maybe personal responsibility, sacrifice when necessary, and more participation by each individual in the cost of his or her care would improve compliance rates and reduce the overall cost of health care.

But the cost of medication to the individual must be considered. As costs increase, fewer can afford to pay them. A study from the National Bureau of Economic Research finds that an increase in medication co-payments from only $6 to $10 results in a 6.2 percent increase in noncompliance and a 9 percent reduction in the share of fully compliant persons. The same study finds that increases in coinsurance lead to even larger increases in noncompliance. As for the uninsured, the American Public Health Association has found that 89 percent have not filled a prescription due to cost.

What was lost on me was some very simple economics. If each individual pays less for his or her prescriptions, compliance increases and the nation and insurance companies pay less of a total health care bill. Unfortunately, the trend in health insurance is for each individual to pay higher co-pays or coinsurance. As these costs go up out-of-pocket expenses may exceed one’s ability to pay. The choice? Noncompliance or increased debt and possible bankruptcy.

So yes, compliance is a choice. And noncompliance greatly increases the nation’s health care bill. Every proposal on the table that makes an individual pay more for his medicine will increase noncompliance and add even more to the nation’s health care bill. High deductibles and higher co-payments charged by insurance companies against each individual will only make the problem worse. Paradoxically, as cost-driven noncompliance pushes total health care costs higher, these same insurance companies may find themselves less profitable over the long run as they face the higher cost of complications caused by medication noncompliance.

Perhaps if insurance companies lowered prescription co-payments more patients would take their medicine as directed and the insurance companies, with fewer complication-related charges against premiums, could actually increase profits. Pharmaceutical companies would benefit as well as more prescriptions would be filled. We should have no problem with health insurance and pharmaceutical companies making more money if the profits they earn come from lower total health care costs and healthier individuals.

As for my, and others’, idea that if people pay a larger percentage of their health care costs they will live healthier, more compliant, lives, the truth is that health and compliance can be expensive. Low-cost prescription benefits must be considered as we approach ideas to lower total healthcare costs. Higher costs to individuals for medication lead to higher rates of noncompliance, which lead to a higher national health care bill that, one way or another, we all must share.

References

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3326767/

http://www.hreonline.com/HRE/view/story.jhtml?id=5059249

http://www.nber.org/digest/apr05/w10738.html

http://www.commonwealthfund.org/~/media/Files/Publications/Issue%20Brief/2010/Jun/1408_Morgan_Prescription_drug_accessibility_US_intl_ib.pdf

Here are some insights from their book.

What can understanding failure teach both seasoned and aspiring leaders that they can’t learn only by modeling success?

While studying success provides valuable lessons during good times, often these lessons aren’t applicable in hard times. The road isn’t always smooth and the sky isn’t always blue. When challenges present themselves, lessons gleaned from previous failures can help leaders avoid making the same mistake twice or making the wrong decisions.

Making mistakes — or failing — are part of taking healthy risk. They provide us with new ways of thinking and give us new insights into how we can improve as leaders.

Real failure doesn’t come from making mistakes; it comes from avoiding errors at all possible costs, from fear to take risks, and from the inability to grow. Being mistake-free does not lead to success.

Learning from our mistakes, however, is not always possible. Yes, every great leader makes mistakes they can learn from. But there are only a limited number of mistakes you can make before proving yourself an unworthy leader — you can only fall off the corporate ladder so many times before your climb is finished. And the higher up the ladder you get, the more severe the fall. The failure paradox is that in order to succeed we need to know failure — yet we live in an environment where we can’t afford to make mistakes. The solution? To study and learn from the mistakes of others in order to proactively avoid the predictable pitfalls that await every leader.

What are the specific benefits of learning from failure?

The benefits of learning from failure can be seen at both the individual level and the organizational level. We found strong statistical evidence between the ability to embrace mistakes and improved individual performance. Specifically we found that leaders who learn from mistakes are more proactive in deflecting potential problems, have a higher level of confidence when taking actions and making decisions, more accurately understand their environments, think more strategically, and are more creative.

These traits and capabilities also translated to the organizational level. Specifically we found that companies that are more accepting of mistakes have significantly better financial performance in terms of both top-line revenue growth, as well as bottom-line profit. We live in a culture that values perfections and hides failure. Companies pay their employees to succeed, not to fail.

However, the more we talk about the valuable lessons that come from mistakes and honor discussions about failure, the less likely it will be such a taboo subject.

For The Wisdom of Failure you conducted almost 1,000 interviews with managers and leaders. What about those interviews most surprised you?

We were surprised by how reluctant some leaders were to be associated with the topic of failure. Several times, we had leaders open up to us about key mistakes they had learned from in their own careers, only to call us back the next day to say they didn’t want us to use any material from their interviews in our book. Having their names associated with failure was too risky. Of course, we honored their request.

This reluctance to discuss failure emphasizes not only how difficult it is for leaders to talk about mistakes, but also the costly consequences leaders believe will follow if they do.

When we function in a healthy manner, we don’t just experience joy and happiness, prancing around without a care in the world. We actually still experience a range of emotions, some of which can be very difficult to live with.

It’s absolutely healthy to feel anxiety, depression, anger, jealousy, envy, guilt, hurt or shame. But what makes experiencing these emotions healthy is that we don’t linger in them for longer than is good for us. We don’t demand that they ‘go away.’ We accept the appropriateness of how we feel, and do something about our situation.

Let me give you an example of how a person’s thinking can perpetuate depression.

Imagine that your favorite dog was very sick and you took her to the vet, who tells you she’s in a lot of pain and it’s best to euthanize her. How do you think you might feel? Very sad (most likely), guilty (perhaps), happy (to some degree if you know you can stop her suffering). So, do those emotions seem healthy and appropriate to you? Of course they do, and to experience them is human.

Given the choice, you may not have wanted to face that situation in the first place, but we can’t always pick and choose what happens to us in life. We can only choose how we deal with those situations when they arise.

So how could a person drive themselves into depression after such an event? It’s easy. When a person feels sad about a loss or death, if they start taking far too much responsibility for what happened and judging themselves negatively, then depression will be only a short taxi ride away. The kind of thinking that perpetuates depression will be thoughts such as “I’m such a bad person for killing her,” “I should have done more to make her life happy,” “I should have taken her to the vet sooner and I would have saved her.”

None of those statements is wholly true, yet when you repeat them, you start to believe it and you feel depressed. You’ll even start acting depressed. Instead of going out for a walk, which you used to enjoy, you might stay at home watching TV, because ‘there’s no point in going out without your dog.’ You might even stop socializing with other dog walkers and so you’ll become more isolated, which perpetuates the problem.

So from a healthy sadness about the loss of a loved pet, with unhealthy thinking and behavior, your mood sinks into depression. And once there, it is a lot harder to get out of than when you’re healthily sad.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is depression’s opposite. Rather than dwelling on the past, people with anxiety tend to focus on the possible threat in the future, and employ defensive mechanisms against that perceived threat or problem. Let me give you another example.

Frank gives a presentation at work that doesn’t go down well with his boss. Frank gets shouted at and bawled out for not doing a good enough job. His boss also tells him that he must improve before the next presentation or else! How do you think you might feel? Disappointed (sure). Frustrated (maybe). Concerned (oh yeah).

So how does Frank perpetuate his anxiety? The first thing he does is to fly into the future and use ‘what if’ and ‘if…then’ type thinking. “If I deliver another bad presentation, then my boss will fire me.” “What if I can’t do it the way he wants?” “What if I’m terrible?”

These ‘what if’ thoughts are the precursors to the unhealthy demands that lead to anxiety: “I must know that the presentation will go well.” “I must not screw up the presentation or my boss will fire me.” “I must be perfect.”

The trouble with these irrational demands is that they lead to anxious behaviors: spending hours on the presentation; not sleeping; seeking others’ opinions; asking for reassurance; feeling nauseous beforehand; sweating; feeling ill at ease.

Clearly, Frank is not in a good state to be giving a presentation. He’ll most likely deliver a sub-par presentation. What do you think will happen next time he needs to give a presentation? He’ll feel worse.

To end these destructive cycles, we need to understand that emotions — even the difficult ones — are healthy. Emotions should be used as a guide to let us know that something is off-balance and might need changing. When we demand unreasonable things from ourselves, we’re destined to feel strong, unhealthy emotions.

It’s a thin line between healthy and unhealthy emotions, but by understanding how our thinking perpetuates our emotional disturbance, we can become a healthier version of ourselves.

It could be between yourself and a partner, a parent, a co-worker — even a boss, an adult sibling or an annoying someone you run into every day on your way to work. Likely, it is doing something to temporarily boost yourself or the other person in the mix. Ultimately, however, it is not to anyone’s benefit.

Unspoken bargains, these so-called “arrangements,” are those things that rear their heads in times of challenge, chaos, crisis or just haste. They appear out of nowhere and can be maddening, upon first reflection, demanding us to ask ourselves, “why did I say or do that again to this person?”

They tug at us to examine the contracts we have with others for convenience and to lessen pain. But they are ultimately not self-serving or mutually good -– just codependent traps we put into place to attempt to protect ourselves from perhaps doing the right thing.

A worker discovers an unspoken bargain in play when she realizes she’s allowed her colleague to pull less of the load in order to maintain a friendship with the person everyone in the office likes.

A spouse sees he has one, letting his wife get her way because he’s afraid of upsetting her and bringing out her depression.

Even a parent can look the other way while a child falls into trouble with drugs, just so the parent can pursue self-centered interests uninterrupted by dilemma.

There is nothing pretty about unspoken bargains. Some are certainly more benign; others are profoundly disturbing. But they do demand our attention. They allow us to see who we are, what we present to others, and how we cope in the world.

Next time you find yourself looking at the appearance of some strange contract appearing between yourself and another, don’t look away. Stare at the arrangement keeping genuine relating from happening between you. Face down the unspoken bargain that is presenting itself.

And proactively look ahead of time, as well, for where they may be hiding in your life. Always ask yourself what you are doing in the dance between another person, another entity. If it is forthright, it will not “bargain,” or sacrifice your integrity, that of the other person, or the possibility of real communication between you.

As acclaimed psychologist and author Harriet Lerner so aptly writes in her books The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, we must garner the courage to change any detrimental “dance” with another person. And in doing so, we certainly have to look out for counter-moves first. For these habits, odd arrangements and false contracts, these unspoken bargains are challenging to break!. But the steps, the new moves you make for yourself, ultimately will be rewarding.

“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

Tomorrow, April 25th, is the 20th anniversary of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day that encourages parents to do exactly that. Started in 1993 as a “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” it was originally intended to show girls opportunities that had been closed off to women and to inspire young girls to see themselves as having the potential to reach whatever professional dreams they had. By 2003, it was expanded to include our sons as it was understood that the boys, too, needed to have the experience of seeing what their parents did for work.

Many companies now have incorporated this annual event into the company culture. Employers see involvement in the day as a way to support their workers in balancing work with family life and to invest in the workforce of the future.

One special day a year, parents are invited to bring their children to work to sit at desks, follow their parents around the office or plant or store, and maybe have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria. The kids get to see where their parents spend their day and to meet some of their colleagues. Most important, they get to see up close what their parents’ work involves.

It’s an opportunity for parents and others in the workplace to show kids that education pays off and to talk to them about what it takes for someone to reach their potential and to be successful. Further, it provides a way for parents and adult mentors to talk to children about how work supports the family and how it is an integral part of adult life.

Those of us who work in human services can’t let our kids shadow our day due to very real concerns about confidentiality and privacy for our clients. But we can still celebrate the day by engaging our children in conversation about our work and perhaps by describing in general terms what a typical day looks like. When clients aren’t scheduled, we can still bring our children to the office to see what it looks like, let them sit in our chairs and perhaps meet our support staff. My younger daughter told me recently that it made her feel very grown up the day she came to my office when she was 10 and talked to me seriously about my journey to become a therapist.

Whatever we do for a living, Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day provides a reason to sit down with our kids and demystify our work life.

My children are grown now. They too now go off to work, talk to people and do stuff and get tired. Like their dad and me, they also know the rewards of doing something they are passionate about that supports themselves and their families. I hope when their children are old enough to participate,Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day will continue to be celebrated to help them empower their children also to reach for their professional dreams.

Then, I walk into the lab next door for a blood test and the line I hear is: “Oh, your blood pressure was high, let me see if I can draw your blood now.”

Wait, what? Do they actually think that these comments will make me feel more relaxed?

I’ve also experienced more direct unpleasantries from doctors who project an icy, or even a rude demeanor. A poor bedside manner does affect a patient’s emotional disposition; it does heighten any anxiety, and it certainly ensures difficulty in forming a positive bond with a professional who’s in a field that’s supposed to alleviate illness.

“A bedside manner refers most often to the way a medical professional interacts and communicates with patients,” a 2012 post on Wisegeek stated. The post stresses that a doctor with a good bedside manner demonstrates empathy,¹ and emits an aura of ease for the patients, while also involving them in health decisions. On the flip side, poor bedside manners reflect rudeness, cold attitudes, inadequate listening skills, and a complete disregard for the patient’s fears.

Why are such mannerisms prominent in the medical field?

Lorianna De Giorgio’s 2012 article in the Toronto Star discusses why positive relationships between patients and doctors may be lacking in the profession.

Adam Waytz, assistant professor of management and organizations at Northwestern University, explained that a process of “dehumanization” lies behind an unfortunate patient-doctor rapport. Dehumanization may occur due to psychological demands placed on practitioners, and from ongoing advances in technology as well. Waytz determined that a bulk of medical decision-making gives way to a very mechanical method of thinking; problems are often solved and issues are fixed without recognizing the patient’s feelings.

While many individuals enter the medical field for humane reasons, “they get into the system, and the system is so stressful that sometimes the humanity is just beaten out of them,” notes Marjorie Stanzler, senior director of programs at the Schwartz Center for Compassionate Healthcare.

Waytz and Stanzler advocate that a proper bedside manner would result in improved psychological and physical outcomes for the patients in treatment.

A 2008 blog post entitled What Bad Bedside Manners Really Mean reviews the negative impact and consequences of these adverse behaviors:

“Doctors are supposed to be in the line of work of helping people. With this profession comes a lot of responsibility. The medical field is not supposed to be simply diagnosing a problem, handing out a few pills, and moving onto the next patient. It means much more. It means being a physician, and a physician means being a healer.”

I could not agree more. Patients may feel naturally anxious, waiting on an impending prognosis (especially if the condition has the potential to be serious). Do they really need aloofness on top of that?

“If the doctor seems disinterested in what you are telling him, there are greater chances of him missing something that you said,” the post stated. “If he seems put-out or preoccupied, the patient might be more likely to leave out pertinent information.” Furthermore, if the doctor is disrespectful, it may discourage patients from seeking medical assistance altogether.

Due to a distressing environment and technological developments, I can understand why medical practitioners may harbor some poor bedside manners, but that doesn’t make their etiquette right or beneficial.

I think it’s important for them to remember why they’ve entered the field in the first place; if it’s because they sincerely want to help people, it’s crucial to know how to relate to patients on an emotional level.

1. l personally think medical schools should have official courses on being more empathetic

“Sometimes they lead to innovation. Sometimes they lead to hours of time dwindled away without purpose.”

In other words, distractions are not created equal. But more often than not the same distractions deplete us and steer us away from creating.

Whether creativity is your livelihood or an integral part of your self-care, here are 15 ways to deal with distractions.

1. Work less.

“I have begun to really believe that the less time you work, the less you waste,” Rosalie said. Distractions seem to strike when we’ve reached our limit. People tend to be productive for 4.5 hours a day, she said, but many of us have to stretch it to 8 or 9. “As a result, our minds invent distractions as a way out, and also as a way to seem productive even when we’re not.” That’s when you start browsing the Web, emailing, texting, tweeting and seeing what everyone is up to on Facebook.

2. Use a kitchen timer.

Artist Jolie Guillebeau gets distracted by everything from social media sites to Hulu to her own ideas. “Basically, anything that isn’t me putting the paint on the canvas can be a distraction.” Her most valuable distraction-taming tool is a kitchen timer.

When I’m ready to paint, I light a candle, set out my paints, clean my brushes, and set a little kitchen timer that sits next to my easel for 20 minutes. As long as the timer is ticking, then I stay in front of the painting. It’s easy when I run into a problem to allow distractions to take over, but with the timer, I keep my focus until the bell rings.

3. Wear earplugs.

Many times it’s not just the noise on our computers that distracts us; it’s also the noise outside the office. For illustrator and painter Carla Sonheim, earplugs help to dim everything from her husband’s music to the traffic.

4. Have a daily quota.

“I work from home and have five children, so I have a cornucopia of distractions for the choosing,” said Miranda Hersey, a writer and editor, creativity coach, and host of the blog Studio Mothers. She also does social media work. “I haven’t yet figured out how to update my clients’ Facebook accounts without reading my personal notifications.”

And she focuses her energy on client work, which leaves little time for her own projects. “I tell myself that I can’t do my own creative projects until all of my other work—particularly the work where other people are depending on me—is done.”

That’s where her quota comes in. Hersey commits to writing at least 500 words of fiction every day. “I use a spreadsheet to log my daily word count: In the past six months, I’ve written nearly 90,00 words. A lot of those words won’t ever see the light of day, but that doesn’t matter. My novel is emerging through this daily practice.”

5. “Front-load” your creative practice.

Hersey works on her creative projects before 6 a.m. This gives her mind the entire day to percolate as she performs other tasks. “Then you’re ready to hit the ground running the next morning.”

Overall, for Hersey, dealing with distractions isn’t about eliminating them. It’s about accomplishing the creative work first. “I’m just making sure that my creative work can’t get eaten up by Facebook and client work and triaging e-mail.”

6. Multitask deliberately.

“It might seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes it helps to embrace my scattered brain and do two things at once,” said Sonheim, also a workshop instructor and author of The Art of Silliness: A Creativity Book for Everyone. One morning she flipped back and forth from a sewing project to a writing piece. “I’d sew, think of something I wanted to add to my writing project, and when I finished that, I would go back to sewing until another idea popped into my head. It was kind of free flowing and nice, to just let the ideas come slowly this way.”

7. Curb clutter.

For creativity coach Gail McMeekin a clear space — both “physical and psychic” — is vital. “I find clutter very distracting so I took everything out of my office a few months ago and only put back in the things that inspire me or that I need,” said McMeekin, author of The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. She donated her books to the library and trashed old projects and duplicate handouts. (Of course the key is not letting cleaning become another distraction.)

8. Work in sprints.

Rosalie has found that working in two-hour stretches works best. “I’m productive for about two hours at a go, and then my focus dwindles and I’m more inclined to flit away from whatever it is I’m working on, called by the lure of something new, something different, some mental variation and novelty as my productivity wanes.”

9. Surround yourself with people.

Coffeehouses drown out distractions for Sonheim. “The din of conversation seems to ground me.” Plus, leaving her office, which is filled with distractions, also helps.

10. Remove your distractions.

When distractions reach a boiling point, Sonheim takes a cue from her son and takes drastic measures. “Sometimes he’ll ask a friend to babysit his easy Internet access – laptop computer – for a weekend so he can get his homework done… I’ve created similar scenarios to physically remove certain temptations [and] distractions.”

11. Keep yourself publicly accountable.

For several years now Guillebeau has created one painting every day. She also emails a photo of the painting along with a story to her subscribers. “Knowing that a few hundred people are expecting a painting from me every morning really keeps me focused.”

It also helps her be more efficient with other tasks like email. “I’ll do some of the other things that I tend to put off first [before finishing the painting]. This keeps the distractions at bay, because I start to feel a time crunch.”

12. Nap.

“Sometimes I find that if I’m easily distracted it’s because I’m tired,” Sonheim said. She works from home, and has a couch in her office. Depending on her day, she might take a short nap. “When I wake up, I’m often much better able to stay on task.” (It’s not surprising; research has shown that a brief nap is very beneficial.)

13. Make distractions intentional.

According to Rosalie, “Distractions invite the mind to wander and the body to move, and invited on purpose, rather than pursued at random and without intention, distractions can spark new thought patterns and creative collisions.” For instance, when her dog wants to take a walk, she takes a break, and savors walking down the road.

Leaning into distractions can actually enhance productivity. “When I really do give in to distraction and let it capture me fully, I always return to my work with renewed clarity and focus.”

14. Remember distractions are what you make of them.

Distractions “are what you allow them to be,” Hersey said. Take the following example: Hersey worked with a woman who wanted to find time for her creative projects. Her husband has a high-paying job, so she doesn’t work. They also have no children. And she has a space dedicated to creating. But she still couldn’t create. “She was too distracted—by her pets. Her cats and her dog were too demanding. They needed to go out; they needed to come in; they needed to be fed; they came to sit on her lap.”

15. Start now.

“If we fall into the trap of ‘I’ll start painting again when the kids are all in school’ or ‘I’ll work on that short story collection during vacation,’ we won’t ever do the work,” Hersey said. When all your kids are in school, you’ll find 50 other things you need to do. When you go on vacation, you’ll find that it’s not the right environment for creating. And when you prolong your creative process, it morphs from something exciting and energizing into a chore or, as Hersey said, “as appealing as a root canal.”

She suggested paying attention to your words. Any time you say, “when/then,” “catch yourself.” And start now. Carve out just 10 minutes. If your work requires extensive set-up and clean-up, she said, jot down what you can do every day, such as “sketching, collaging or studying the work of masters.”

Distractions will always be aplenty. “As a creative person, challenge yourself to find a solution every time you hear yourself saying ‘No, that won’t work,’” Hersey said. Let a little creativity help you tame those irrelevant things that vie for your attention.

Do you often find yourself distracted until time is wasted? The challenges of ADHD and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are very real. But there is hope. When you understand how ADHD has been affecting all areas of your life, you can learn to minimize its impact and live successfully with ADD /ADHD.

Here are some steps to help you build confidence, clarify and prioritize your goals, minimize your ADHD challenges, and get you past being stuck to actually following through with your plans.

1. Plan.

   Start each day by taking time to think about what you want to accomplish that day with specific emphasis on one to five things.

2. Check in periodically during the day.

   Ask yourself frequently during the day if what you are doing at that moment is what you want to be doing and if it is helping you accomplish your goals.

3. Use a planning system.

   The more time we spend planning a project, the less time is required for it. Use a calendar, smart phone, or computer calendar to keep track of tasks and break them down into manageable parts.

4. Concentrate.

   The amount of time spent on a project is not what counts; it’s the amount of uninterrupted time. Make sure you are in the right environment for you.

5. Take breaks.

   Working for long periods of time can decrease energy, as well as increase stress, tension, and boredom. Switching from a mental task to a physical task and back can provide relief, increase your efficiency, reduce tension, and even benefit your health.

6. Reduce clutter.

   In most cases, clutter hinders concentration and causes frustration and tension. When you find your desk or work space becoming chaotic, take time to reorganize.

7. Avoid perfectionism.

   There is a difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Getting something 85 percent perfect and handed in is better than 150 percent or more than perfect and not handed in.

8. Learn to say no.

   Learn to decline, tactfully, politely, yet firmly. Practice what you will say often.

9. Don’t procrastinate.

   Waiting until the end may feel like you have more energy to do the task, but more than likely you will end up rushed, out of time and with results less than what you would have done if you had started earlier. Decide to change habits immediately, but don’t take on too much too quickly.

10. Delegate.

    Decide to delegate the tasks that someone else can do, wants to do and take you too long to do.

You can learn these and other new skills to help you better cope with your attention deficit disorder symptoms. Consider enrolling a trusted friend or family member, too, for additional assistance in help keeping you on-task and more focused.

That’s one of the questions Randy Pausch, famous deceased Carnegie Mellon professor, asked in his presentation “The Last Lecture.” It went viral, landing him on Oprah and a host of other afternoon and late-night shows.

I loved every other part of his lecture but that.

Because I think the world needs its share of Eeyores: solemn, stoic, realistic, pensive creatures. And I don’t think I’m saying that because I unapologetically claim to be an Eeyore.

I mean, imagine a world of hyperactive, happy Tiggers. How long can you stay with that image before you want to throw something at the striped orange guy?

I, for one, wouldn’t want to share a cube with perky Tigger always asking you what your plans are for lunch, and if you’ve scheduled anything fun for the weekend. I prefer the Eeyore who sips her coffee quietly, taking the morning in before sending any thoughts out into the universe.

The Eeyores of the world are realistic, sensible, and sweet. They tether the dreams of Tiggers to realistic standards so that they can be achieved and sustained. These guys are usually the sensitive folks who, having picked up on nuances in their environments, can usually intuit opportunity or danger. They can offer guidance and insights that come with being the kind of reflective persons they are. Their rich inner life pays off.

Other reasons we need Eeyores:

1. They are less judgmental.

Anyone who has been through the hell of an Eeyore knows to leave all judgment aside. The Eeyore has been told everything from “get your butt off the couch and stop crying” to “if you eat organic grains and go to yoga you wouldn’t feel anxious” and knows how insensitive words can hinder any movement toward recovery. The Eeyore, then, is extremely careful with what he says to folks, healthy and sick, and because of that, he earns the trust of his family, friends, and co-workers.

2. They are more compassionate.

Depression does more than shrink and destroy nerve cells in a brain. It also expands a heart. So the Eeyore catches the woman tearing up in the back corner of a conference room. She can’t help but tune into her intuition, reading a heavy sadness in the room. The Eeyore will go over to her and hug her or take her hand. She is no longer bashful of doing this, because she has been that lady, sitting there crying in a public room on countless occasions.

3. They are emotionally aware.

Eeyores are more aware of their inner emotional states, which can translate into technical or business innovation or can lead to profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists. Eeyores are usually highly sensitive, which means they process layers and layers of meanings, which can complement the risk takers in an organization.

So, now that we’ve identified an undeniable need for Eeyores in the world, what about the others?

Christopher Robin (the boy): Schizophrenia
Piglet: General Anxiety
Pooh: Eating Disorder/Low Self-Esteem
Rabbit: OCD
Owl: Dyslexia (my favorite)

Do they really represent mental disorders?

Illustration by http://rufiojones.files.wordpress.com

It was a healthy mix of educated and eccentric people and it was an interesting place to work. The three years I spent there gave me a curious perspective on office etiquette.

I shook a lot of hands during these years. Trust me when I tell you it becomes tiresome stating your name and offering your hand (dousing it in Lysol afterwards) many times a day.  The lawyers had strong handshakes (the criminal lawyers had a hard time letting go); the mediators less so.

Therapists seem to smile more or, on a bad day, grimace while photocopying or drinking the awful coffee I had made.

The social workers needed more sleep; they would tell me this, elbows rested on my large corner desk, while I worked hard to listen. It was my social obligation, after all.

But it was not the numerous handshakes (and probable colds resulting from them) that made me question office etiquette. It was the simple question, “how are you?” or any variation of this question.

I have always wondered what would happen if I had been honest.

Picture this:

I am sitting in my office-appropriate-orthopedic-chair and in walks one of our clients. Let’s refer to him as Client A.

Client A, an impeccably dressed lawyer, asks me, “Good Morning! How are you?” and he waits for my obligatory and socially acceptable reply. Something like “Very well, and yourself?” We might then comment on the weather, the status of the broken printer, perhaps what was on television last night. Acceptable things.

But what if my reply was utterly-no-holds-barred honest? I might have stated:

“Oh, you know. I’m okay. My partner and I had a huge fight last night which resulted in my devouring large amounts of chocolate and him sleeping on the couch. Also, I think I gained a few pounds.”

That’s probably a bit too much information. What about something simple? Something human? What if I was having a rough time, life was not being kind to me, and I replied:

“I’m feeling a little down, but it’ll pass.”

Client A would certainly be surprised — honesty is a dying art form — but would he reply with empathy or just consider me strange? It’s an interesting paradox and one that is not often challenged.

And, come to think of it, maybe it should remain this way. Can you imagine sitting down with your supervisor and telling him or her that you certainly do deserve a raise because you have suffered three respiratory infections this year based on the perpetual handshaking within the office?

Sarcasm aside, office etiquette keeps things rolling smoothly but the psychology behind it is interesting.

The next time someone asks you how your day is going, do an experiment: Be honest. If nothing else, it will liven things up.

Image of marketing insights by Shutterstock.