As psychotherapist Ashley Eder, said,“The focus on romantic love at Valentine’s Day risks narrowing what could be a special celebration of the closeness we feel with many.”

So how can you show your appreciation to the people you love? “I believe that time and attention are the most coveted gifts,” said Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill.

Here are several ways to do just that.

1. Give thanks.

How often do you tell the people in your life why you appreciate them? “Before dinner, take a moment to go around the table and name something you love or appreciate about each person present,” said Eder, LPC, who has a private practice in Boulder, Colo. Modeling love and gratitude is especially great for kids, she said.

2. Send a meaningful note.

Today, handwritten notes are a rarity, even though they make a beautiful gift. “In our digital age, handwritten cards that show up in the mailbox have a special tangibility,” Eder said.

Go beyond wishing someone a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” For instance, Rastogi gave this example if you’re writing your child’s teacher: “My child says that you are the best teacher he has ever had because you smile all day, and tell him exciting stories about robots! Please know that our whole family is thankful to have you in our child’s life. Happy Valentine’s day! Hope you and your daughter have fun on the 14th.”

If you’re sending cards to close friends, let them know what you treasure about them. “A written reminder of what you cherish in your friendship together will stick around longer than an email or voicemail, and your friend can turn to it for a pick-me-up when needed,” Eder said.

3. Enjoy fun activities together.

What do your friends and family love to do? What are their favorite ways to spend the weekend? For instance, on Valentine’s Day — or the weekend after — you can prepare and enjoy a meal with your sister, or see a movie with your best friend, Rastogi said.

4. Create a homemade gift.

“Bake cookies with extra dark chocolate chips for the chocoholic in your life, or create a handmade card for a grandparent, and include a picture of the two of you from a past happy event,” Rastogi said. You can even combine fun activities with crafty gifts by going to a pottery studio with your loved one, and creating a gift for each other, she added.

5. Perform random acts of kindness.

Valentine’s Day also can be a time to give to acquaintances or even strangers by performing acts of kindness. Eder suggested everything from buying coffee for the next person in line to bringing your neighbor’s newspaper to them to letting a stranger check out before you at the grocery store. “Your gesture, however small, has the potential to serve as a reminder to someone else that they matter, no matter their romantic relationship status.”

There are many ways to show your love and appreciation to the people who matter in your life, even those you don’t know so well. As Rastogi said, you can’t go wrong with giving someone your time and attention.

But what if you put away the resolutions and just consider different ideas to help you live a better life. Not just this year, but throughout the year, any time. Here are eight such ideas.

1. Get an annual mental checkup.

What? What’s that? You go for a physical checkup. You get your eyes checked. Your teeth cleaned. Your auto inspected. Well, then, why are you leaving out the most precious part of you: your mind?

No, you’re not crazy. But your mind may not be in tip-top shape. How about fine-tuning your emotional responses? Refining your decision-making skills? Upgrading your communication skills? Enriching your relationships? A checkup every January can jump-start your New Year so that you reap the benefits all the rest of the months.

2. “Get it!”

What’s “it?” What are you supposed to “get?” A better body? A hotshot car? A shopping spree at the mall? Yes, you can “get” all of those things. But if that’s all you “get” — a gnawing emptiness will haunt you at the most unexpected times.

So think about what it is you need to “get” this New Year that’s deeper and more meaningful. Then, take the action you need to take to make it happen.

3. Appreciate how good things really are.

Sure, you’ve had tough times this year. But unless this is the absolute worst possible year of your life, give yourself the gift of appreciation. Zooming in on all the things that didn’t work out well means you’ve skipped right past what did work out well. Too bad. Reverse that direction!

4. Change your mind.

About what? You decide. But make sure it’s something significant. Why should you change your mind? Because if you don’t, you stay stuck in your ways. What’s the matter with that? Aren’t there some things that should remain the same? Yes. But in most areas, social to scientific, people-oriented to tech-oriented, knowledge evolves. Don’t spin your resistance to change into a laudable trait. If there’s one thing you owe yourself, it’s honesty.

5. Fail.

Fail??? Isn’t that something we’re all trying to avoid? Isn’t success what we should all be aiming for? Nothing wrong with success, but unless you’ve had your fair share of failure, you haven’t stepped outside your comfort zone. So, step out! This year, get involved in something that you are absolutely no good at. See what it’s like to attempt that activity. Feel humbled. Then appreciate your decision to try something difficult. That’s the way people grow.

6. Know when enough is enough.

No matter what you’re doing, there’s a time to end it. Maybe you have trouble making an important decision. Mull it over. Obtain additional information. Consult people you respect. But don’t get stuck in the paralysis of analysis syndrome. Eventually, it’s time to make a decision. Maybe you’ve been arguing with a family member. After a certain point, does it matter who’s right, who’s wrong? Say what you have to say. Then, let go and agree to disagree. Enough is enough.

7. Be enthusiastic.

Young kids are enthusiastic about almost everything while adults tend to let their enthusiasm wane. After awhile, it just all seems to be hard work. Don’t let that happen to you. Get enthusiastic! About what? That’s your job to discover. Once you do, fun will re-enter your life. Imagine bubbling over with excitement about something you learned, something you did, something you read. Make it happen this New Year.

8. Fill in the blank.

I’ve provided you with seven exceptional ways to begin 2013. You create the eighth. I’d love to hear what it is!

Happy man photo available from Shutterstock

I’m not a huge fan of the holiday season. When I was 19, I worked in a grocery store. I’m pretty sure my relative disdain for the season started while working a cash register between aisles of Santa-shaped chocolates and overpriced eggnog. I tolerated the crowds of people who purchased produce and cookies and I smiled, my irritation level peaking each time I was asked if the store sold organic carrots.

The customer, after all, is always right.

But the dreadful repetition of Christmas music drove me to surrender my apron midway through December.

My experience aside, many people look forward to the holiday season. We relish cherished time with family and with friends, fantastic food, time off from work and the giving and receiving of gifts. It’s a time when children smile and shake the gifts under the tree. Pretty great, right?

I hate be somber, but these things often lead to a holiday hangover. Unfortunately, twelve glasses of water, an aspirin and time in bed won’t cut it.

So here are some tips — sarcasm included! — to get back on track:

• Ban Christmas music. Hide Christmas CDs in a drawer and listen to something else. Frank Sinatra or Miles Davis, Metallica or Eminem, CNN or Howard Stern. Anything else.
• Do not look at your credit card bills for one week, or as long as possible. Buying gifts for those we care for is always fun (well, usually) but sometimes we get carried away. I’m not sure my mother needed two pairs of pajamas, matching slippers, a bathrobe and three types of exfoliating body wash.
• Take a couple of days to unwind. My family always has half the neighborhood over Christmas Eve. People play guitar, my lovely mother sings Neil Young and halfway through the night I hide in the spare room. Time with family and friends is great, it’s healthy, but once the holidays are over we need some time to unwind. Read a book while wearing your pajamas, drinking tea and finishing off the chocolate and turkey.
• Leave the Christmas tree up. That’s right, leave it up, at least until the New Year. Often, amid the chaos of Christmas, we don’t really get a chance to enjoy it. You can skip this step if you own pets that have holiday fun eating the tree and everything on it. My cat has a penchant for candy canes and my dog enjoys eating the artificial branches, lights and all.
• Pick a day to do some holiday cleaning. This is similar to spring cleaning but involves shiny paper, bits and pieces of tinsel, leftover food and sometimes relatives who are staying a bit longer than planned.
• Gear up to get back to work. Whether you are going back to work before the New Year or after, it’s important to get back into the swing of things. Holidays are a disruption to our schedule: our sleep pattern changes, as does our level of socialization and our eating habits. Ease yourself back into life.
• Exercise. Exercise not with the goal of losing the weight gained from boxes of chocolate and gravy (save that for New Year’s if you must) but because we often exercise less during the holiday season. Exercise helps to regulate our lives and schedule.
• Secretly organize and consider ‘re-gifting.’ This is optional (and perhaps in bad taste?). Gather the gifts that you may already own or just don’t like. Mentally thank the person — this eradicates possible guilt — that presented them to you. Place them in your closet and next year give them to someone else.
• After New Year’s take some time to reflect on your life. New Year’s Eve is sort of like the icing on an overly-decorated cake. Right when we start to get back into the swing of things, New Year’s kicks our lives back into high gear. Whether you celebrated it quietly, or celebrated it in large company, spend the time following reflecting on the year and the year ahead.

When all is said and done, the New Year having passed and the tree having been packed away, it’s time to get back to life. Like any bad hangover, give it some time: life moves on. Enjoy it. Relish in the ‘normal’ parts of life — before Halloween reminds you that the holiday season is right around the corner.

Sarcasm aside, try a few of these out and if all else fails, well, try a long nap and aspirin.

I’d like to take this moment to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

May the joy and peace of the season be with your family, your friends, and most of all, with you. Whether you spend it with others or on your own, remember that the holiday lasts for only a very short time each year — so savor it. (And if you’re not a great lover of this holiday, well, it’ll be over before you know it now.)

And from one of my favorite classics, White Christmas:

If you’re worried and you can’t sleep,
Just count your blessings instead of sheep,
And you’ll fall asleep… counting your blessings.

From our entire Psych Central family — the staff, writers, bloggers, editors, community volunteers, moderators and administrators — we wish you a wonderful and joyous Christmas. Peace.

During the holidays we are often surrounded with images of people who are happy, in love and enjoying the whirlwind of their lives.  In reality, however, this time of year can be difficult.  When our lives don’t match the images we see around us or live up to our own ideals of family and friendship, it can be painful. And spreading all that good cheer, creating traditions and memories can be tiring and can exacerbate daily pressures and hassles.

The following tips are designed to help you find relaxation during this often-emotional time and to improve how you are thinking or feeling about the moment and the season.

1.  Find meaning in the season.  Find or reconnect to a purpose, meaning or value during the season.  Contributing can give a sense of meaning and make you feel good about yourself. Give something to someone else, do volunteer work or do a surprising, thoughtful thing.
2. Anticipate obstacles to your sense of well-being.  Take a few moments and remind yourself of circumstances that intensified your stress in past years.  For example, looking back, you might notice you often feel lonely. Conversely, you may have a tendency to overschedule yourself. Or you might find a particular family gathering painful.  Once you know you have identified a few of the more stressful moments of the holidays, you can plan how to approach them, possibly using some of the strategies below to get through them with less stress and emotional pain.
3. Do only one thing in the moment.  Doing just one thing can give you time to settle down in the midst of a frantic or chaotic day or week. Focus your entire attention on what you are doing now.  Let go of the mental listmaking, worrying, and party planning.  Put your mind in the present and focus on physical sensations, such as walking. You can also do one thing in the moment right at home by focusing on tasks around the house, like washing dishes, listening to music or decorating.
4. If you’re feeling down, do something opposite to how you feel.  When your life isn’t perfect, the holidays can bring up sadness, regrets and other painful emotions.  Change your mood by engaging in activities that are opposite to how you’re feeling.  Read emotional books, listen to emotional music or go to emotional movies.  Act with kindness and compassion toward those people who irritate you.
5. Schedule some memorable activities into your holiday season.  Research indicates that happiness increases with experiences, rather than things.  Reconnect with a childhood tradition or make a new one.
6. Try muscle relaxation.  Whether you’ve had a day on your feet or sitting at your desk, extra stress can make your muscles tense and sore.  Try to relax your muscles by tensing and resting each large muscle group.   Start with your hands, clenching them into fists tightly for 10 to 15 seconds, then releasing the fist and allowing your hands to rest heavily on your lap for 30 seconds.  Repeat the exercise a second time and then move to other muscles in your body, such as your arms, the muscles in your face, your shoulders, and your legs.  When you’re done, take a moment to rest and notice a feeling of heaviness in your body.
7. Self-soothe with taste.  If you’re out and tempted to graze on appetizers or other fast food without really tasting anything, pause, and then choose one food, slow down and really taste it.  Or, if you’re at home, take time to prepare a good meal or favorite soothing drink, such as hot chocolate or warm apple cider.  Then sit, do nothing else and focus your attention on tasting and savoring the food or drink.
8. Try deep breathing.  Lie on your back, breathing evenly and gently. Focus your attention on your breath, coming in and out and the movement of your stomach.  As you breathe in, allow your stomach to rise.  Exhale fully, pushing all the air out of your lungs. Continue for 10 breaths.
9. Clean the house. The holidays often bring extra chores and cleaning.  Use them as an opportunity to self-soothe, rather than as an additional stress.  Divide your work into stages:  straightening things and putting them away, then scrubbing and cleaning.  Allow a good length of time for each task.  Move slowly (three times more slowly than usual) and focus your attention fully on each task.  Maintain awareness of your actions and your thoughts if they wander.  Bring them back to full attention on the task at hand.

This time of year can be tiring, lonely, overwhelming, financially difficult and can bring up painful conflicts and reminders of  painful circumstances and feelings.  Not all of these strategies will be right for you.  Choose two or three that you believe will help you and try them.  They just might help you get through the season with a little less stress and a few more moments of calm and peace.

Stressed shopper photo available from Shutterstock

Every year — this also seems to be part of the tradition — I almost forget to organize the house-building, until it’s almost too late. But we’ve always managed to do it.

I learned how to make graham-cracker houses when my older daughter was in kindergarten; I was a parent helper when the children made them as part of a unit on “home.” (Coincidence? Or not?)

For me, one of the most important aspects of home is the celebration of traditions — like the building of these houses. Family traditions mark time in a happy way and give a sense both of anticipation and continuity.

Research shows that traditions, routines, and rituals boost physical and emotional health. And they’re fun.

I love graham-cracker houses because they’re very festive, they’re very dramatic, and they’re easy.  No kids crying because the task is too frustrating or because “it doesn’t look right”; no mother irritable because the task requires a lot of errands, prep work, or clean-up. (My husband cheers us on, but doesn’t build a house himself.)

If you’d like the extremely easy instructions about how to build a graham-cracker house, you can find it in the Behind the Scenes extra here.

Do you have any satisfying yet easy holiday traditions? I have to keep traditions manageable, or I just can’t keep up with them.

It’s almost the new year, which means it’s almost time for New Year’s resolutions. For a terrific way to work toward your life goals, check out Go Mighty.

Do you love great quotes? Sign up here for the “Moment of Happiness,” and you’ll get a happiness quote by email every morning.

These events touched many families personally. For those of us not directly affected, they can still leave us with feelings of horror and wanting to hold our loved ones near.

As a nation and as individuals, we could not possibly have anticipated or planned to have to deal with the emotional consequences of such an event. And yet here we are… many of us saddened, enraged and overwhelmed.

In the midst of tragedy and crisis, it can feel as if life is spinning out of control.  An event like this can remind us of devastating events from the past, which in turn can trigger thoughts and emotions connected to our own personal misfortunes and heartbreak.

We can’t change what has happened, but we can use a few strategies can help get through intense painful feelings and do what needs to be done in our daily lives.

• Turn off the news. 

  Give yourself permission to take a break from the images, thoughts and emotions related to this tragic event.  As with a car accident, when something terrifying or tragic occurs, we can feel compelled to watch and gather information about the event.  But it’s important to your emotional well-being to get a break from it.

• Distract yourself. 

  If you’re plagued by persistent thoughts or painful emotions, try engaging in physical or mental activities that take your mind off of it.  You might try things such as going to a movie, exercising, doing a puzzle or playing a video game.

• Help others. 

  One of the most effective ways to feel better is to help others.  Whether it’s volunteering for a charity, watching a neighbors pet or saying kind words to someone else, helping others can improve how you are feeling.

• Do something opposite to how you’re feeling. 

  You may be feeling angry, sad or depressed.  Don’t take lightly the impact a pleasant experience can have on your mood and emotions.  Some things you might try include watching a funny TV show, talking to a light-hearted friend or listening to comforting holiday songs or upbeat music.

• Soothe yourself. 

  Often when we’re in the midst of painful emotions we neglect to do the things that can make us feel calm and relaxed. You might try lighting a scented candle, baking cookies, wearing soft clothing, putting on a special scented lotion or looking at pictures of loved ones or special times.

When you have good reason to feel bad, it can be hard to regain your equilibrium and get through normal daily activities.  A few simple coping strategies can make a bigger difference than you might expect.

If feelings triggered by the tragic events in Newtown Connecticut are interfering with your ability to function, it’s essential that you employ strategies that will help you bear the moment and get through this difficult time.  These strategies or seeking help from a professional are important.

You read well-intended columns, much like this one, that suggest, “Just don’t do this” and you’ll be fine. Of course, if all it took was pure will-power, I’d suspect there’d be a lot less need for therapists.

So instead of telling you things you should or shouldn’t do, I’m going to suggest some simple strategies for actually sticking to those other lists.

We are profoundly influenced by our environment — and who is in it.

Many be unaware of just how much who we hang around with — and where we do that hanging out — can influence our behavior. Cacioppo et al. (2009), for instance, found that in our real-life social networks, things like loneliness and obesity could be traced from friend to friend, and from family member to family member. A family member who knows someone who’s lonely (or overweight) is at significantly greater risk for being lonely (or overweight) themselves.

During the holidays, we often do not have much of a choice about these things if we want to visit with family and friends. But you may have more choice about how you eat and drink than you know.

Reduce overeating during meals.

While those around you might be heaping their plates with food piled as high as they can, you don’t have to follow in their footsteps. Instead, create a normal plate with normal-sized portions.

The key to not over-eating is simple — learn to savor each bite. This mindful approach to eating means you are going to try and focus more on the experience of food. It means enjoying more of your senses as you’re eating — not just your taste buds.

Take a minute and observe the vibrant colors of the food on your plate. Cut a small piece of food, and bring it to your mouth. Smell it, and take a second or two to actually allow yourself to experience the smell of what it is you’re eating. Put it in your mouth, chewing it thoroughly, and then put your fork down for a few seconds. Take a drink of water or your favorite beverage.

Pick up for your fork again and choose another bite from something different on your plate. Again, take time to notice how it looks, how it smells, and chew slowly. Put your fork down. Take another drink.

Eating mindfully is about eating slowly, and taking the time to actually experience and appreciate the bounty you are ingesting. It’s not just fuel for your body, it can also be food for your soul.

Removing yourself from the same old behaviors, the same old arguments.

It happens as reliably as the rise of the morning sun. You find yourself inevitably drawn into the same old patterns of behaving around your family that you’ve outgrown everywhere else in your life. Such patterns are hard to stop (after all, you’ve been doing them for years, if not decades). But you can disrupt them temporarily.

Most of us recognize as we’re getting into the same old argument. The key is to not just recognize it, but to then take the next step and change your reaction to it. Remember — you are not a robot.

Your reaction should be like “Opposite George” from the old Seinfeld episode. George complained of his loser life, so he decided to try an experiment — he would do the opposite of what his natural inclination was. By the end of the day, he was mystified by how much different and more positive his life had become.

The reality is that just doing the opposite of your usual behaviors is unlikely to result in instantaneous changes in your life. But it can be a useful (and entertaining) model how taking the path you travel less can result in unexpected responses and behaviors from others.

Tired of bickering over the same old argument with the family? Try something different. Excuse yourself politely and just walk away, for instance. Or tactfully change the subject to something positive and enjoyable that’s recently happened in your life, or that of a family members. The key is to commit to just trying something different — anything.

You’re not perfect so don’t try to be.

One thing to keep in mind as you try out these ideas and ideas from all of our other holiday coping articles is to allow yourself the luxury of making mistakes. Nobody’s perfect — and that includes you. Try something out and see if it works. If it doesn’t, then maybe it’s not a good fit for you. Try something else instead.

Don’t fret if you can’t do something an expert suggests, or find it hard to follow some advice. You’re not perfect, so holding yourself up to some model of perfection is both unhealthy and detrimental.

I hope these ideas spark some own ideas of your own. I also always just try and keep in mind a mantra similar to, “It’s only for a short amount of time that I’ll be visiting with my family. I’ll let the little things go more than usual, because it’ll make things go more smoothly. I’ll be a better person for it as well.”

Peace.

Reference

Cacioppo JT, Fowler JH, Christakis NA. (2009). Alone in the Crowd: The Structure and Spread of Loneliness in a Large Social Network. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Everywhere you go, you face cookies, candy, booze, and snacks and treats of every kind. While this creates a festive atmosphere, it can also lead to a lot of anxiety and/or guilt in those of us trying to resist temptation.

As you think about how to handle holiday temptations, your strategy may depend on whether you’re a moderator or an abstainer when trying to resist temptation.

You’re a moderator if you…

• find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure – and strengthens your resolve

• get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something

You’re an abstainer if you…

• have trouble stopping something once you’ve started

• aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits
  (Of course, in the case of things like nicotine and alcohol, abstention is necessary.)

I’m an abstainer, without a doubt. Like Samuel Johnson, who declined an offer of wine by saying,“Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult,” I find it much easier to give things up altogether than to indulge in moderation.

For me, no gingerbread cookies, no problem; one cookie, I spend the rest of the day thinking about when and why I should get more cookies. It’s so, so, so much easier for me to abstain than to try to be moderate. You wouldn’t believe what I’m abstaining from these days! A lot.

If you’re a moderator, however, that strategy wouldn’t work for you. You’d probably be better off thinking, “I can have two cookies,” and focusing on enjoying them. You can really revel in whatever it is that you’re permitting yourself, and by putting a limit on your consumption, you may find yourself enjoying it more.

So, to apply the moderator/abstainer model to yourself when facing holiday temptations, try this:

1. Decide if you’re a moderator or an abstainer.

2. Decide what temptation you’d like to resist, and to what degree.
3. Don’t indulge on the fly. If you want to indulge, plan ahead. This helps you feel in control and also to decide where you’ll get the most bang for your temptation buck.
4. As you approach your tempting situation, imagine yourself living up to your rule. Imagine yourself skipping the cookies; or imagine yourself taking just two cookies. Think about how pleased you’ll be that you stuck to your guidelines for yourself.
5. Anticipate situations that might make it hard to stick to your rule, and have a plan to deal with it. “If X happens, then I will do Y.”
6. For moderators: it’s one thing to indulge on the day of a holiday or at a single meal. It’s another thing to indulge during the holiday season. It’s a holiDAY.
7. Remember the argument of the growing heap, or as I like to call it, the “does one coin make a person rich?” question. Of course, one cookie is no big deal.  That’s absolutely true. But be very wary of that argument.

Either strategy can help us resist temptation; as with so many aspects of the pursuit of happiness, the secret is to know yourself.

Also: it can seem friendly to urge people to break their diets, to indulge in an extra glass of wine, or to treat themselves in some way. “I can’t believe you’re not going to try this dessert, I made it myself!” “Just one won’t hurt!” “This is a party,  live a little!” But the kind thing to do, in almost every situation, is to try to help people stick to their resolutions. Of course, bullying them if you think they’re over-indulging isn’t kind, either.

How about you?
Do you recognize yourself as an abstainer or a moderator? Have you found any good strategies for coping with holiday temptation?

I always find a lot to think about on Seth Godin’s blog.

Want to see a copy of my Resolutions Chart, to help you think about your own happiness  project? Request one here.

What you don’t hear enough about are the people who are down and out, in need of our help. Sure, it was great there was a 12-12-12 concert for victims of Hurricane Sandy. But what about everyday folks who just have fallen on temporary hard times?

That’s why The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund warms my heart. For the past 100 years, the Fund has provided direct assistance to children, families and the elderly in New York. Each day during the months of December and January, they highlight a story from their Fund. In a city of over 8 million people, it’s not hard to find people in need.

Today’s story is about a man who worked for over a decade as a home health aide, over 75 hours every two weeks. When he was most in need due to a kidney infection, however, he found his own health insurance wouldn’t cover his medical expenses. Which in turn sent him into a spiraling depression.

Thankfully, he had his hospital bill covered by government insurance, but that didn’t stop the depression from taking hold of Tolentino Gonzalez:

A social worker at Interfaith helped to secure him Medicaid on a temporary basis, which covered the hospital bill. When he was discharged, Mr. Gonzalez was told that he needed to schedule a follow-up appointment with a doctor, but he said that without coverage, he was unable to do so.

What followed was a depression so severe, Mr. Gonzalez said, that he did not want to get out of bed and stopped going to work. While he loves his job, he says it comes with a particular downside — a sense of rejection that would intensify his feelings of worthlessness.

“I haven’t seen them, haven’t helped them, but I get turned away,” Mr. Gonzalez said of some of his clients.

Men, especially, have a great deal of self-worth invested in their job or what they do for a living. Take away that job and many men suddenly face questions they may not have asked themselves for a long time — what’s my purpose in this world? What good am I if I’m not working? How can I be independent without a job?

This story has a happy ending, of course — the Neediest Cases Fund helped him with his back rent so he didn’t become homeless on top of everything else. “He soon returned to work part time and was able to avoid eviction.”

Betty Morales, a caseworker at St. Leonard’s Family Apartments, an affordable-housing complex in Bushwick, Brooklyn helped Mr. Gonzalez by listening to him, too. “When he came to me, he was still in that stage of depression,” Ms. Morales recalled. “He didn’t feel encouraged. There was nobody to encourage, nobody to listen.”

Sometimes that’s all we need — a little help, and a willing ear who will listen.

Here’s hoping you get what you need this holiday season, too — and that it doesn’t involve something you bought in a store.

Read the full story: Denied Insurance, Then Facing a Spiral of Depression

The holidays offer mixed blessings. On the one hand, it’s a time to get together with one’s extended family, catch up with family news, and reconnect over a meal. On the other hand, we often find ourselves trapped indoors with people who are rude, critical, controlling, nosy, and insensitive.

When you’re surrounded by family, don’t let yourself become a battered target of unsolicited advice.

Here are six ways to handle the situation.

1. Tell them you’re not seeking advice.

A good way to stop a bull who’s charging at you with unsolicited advice is to fend him or her off with a simple statement such as “Thanks, but I’m not looking for advice right now.” If the person continues, lovingly say it again. And again, if necessary!

2. Acknowledge their good intentions.

Mention that you appreciate the person’s support and concern, and that this type of caring and attention is welcome. If you want, tell the person you might love his or her advice and input later, when you’re ready to ask for it.

3. Firmly stand your ground.

Sometimes, especially with particularly pushy people, it’s necessary to tell them it’s not helpful for you to receive unsolicited advice. Say it lovingly, but if they persist, tell them that you’re starting to feel angry and you’d like them to stop, please. Keep repeating this like a broken record. Don’t back down. If you do, you give them the message that if they just keep harping, they will prevail.

4. Realize that it’s not about you.

When people feel compelled to tell you what you should do, it’s good to remember that what they’re saying and what’s unconsciously motivating them has little to do with you. The reality is that they have unexpressed anger, and have forgotten that their job is to find their own happiness, rather than believe they’re entitled to nose into someone else’s life without permission.

5. Catch them being good.

Appreciate them when they’re not giving advice. If you notice that a critical or pushy relative is being empathetic or listening with sensitivity, be sure to give them kudos for being so wonderful, caring, or attentive. Praising what you do like may subtly sink in and help to change their behavior.

6. Let out those pent-up emotions.

After a long day of fending off critical, over-controlling relatives who’ve tested the boundaries of your patience and politeness, you need to get all that anger and possibly sadness out of your system. Find a private place to pound your fists, stomp your feet, growl, and cry. You’ll feel better instantly, and be ready to face them all over again tomorrow for the holiday brunch! ]]> http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/12/6-ways-to-handle-holiday-controllers-critics-and-coaches/feed/ 0 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/12/addiction-and-the-holidays/ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/12/addiction-and-the-holidays/#comments Wed, 12 Dec 2012 11:19:17 +0000 Danielle B. Grossman, MFT http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=39073 Ah, the holidays: Candy canes, cozy slippers, festive lights, family peace, marital joy, and grateful children.

Or not.

The holidays are stressful. There are the challenges of too much family, not enough family, not enough money, continual exposure to food and alcohol, and perhaps worst of all, the gap between our actual life and our fantasy life. As if gazing into the perfect happy scene within a snowglobe, we might fall into a trance of how our life should be.

We might feel torn apart by nostalgia and grief over the good times and good people of the past, and wracked with guilt and inadequacy for failing to create a more wonderful life for ourselves. We might feel scared about our dissatisfaction and hypnotized by the promise of fulfillment just beyond the hard glass.

Addictive and codependent behaviors thrive during this season of fantasy.

We use our drugs and habits to escape the pain, while imagining how we will miraculously make changes, always tomorrow, or next week, or next year. We frantically try to keep our idea of the all-good holiday alive through our codependent behaviors, imagining that we have the power to make sure that everyone else is happy and no one gets upset, while suppressing our own feelings of anger and disappointment.

So what should we do about our addictive or codependent behaviors during the holidays? Should we just give up and wait until January 1? Or is there hope for progress now?

One option involves using the holiday season to take an honest and compassionate look at our current behaviors. Instead of using up all of our mental energy imagining how our life used to be better, or how our life should be different, or how we need to change, we can turn our minds and eyes toward simply observing present reality.

We can watch our relationships with alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, prescription and non-prescription drugs, gambling, pornography, video games, television or Internet videos, social media, food, exercise, work, and shopping. We can ask ourselves: How much are we using? How much of our time does it consume? How much money are we spending on our habits? How long have we been using? Is it increasing, decreasing, or remaining constant?

We can watch our relationships with our loved ones. We can ask ourselves: How much of our energy is being devoted to worrying about or trying to control other people’s addictive behaviors? How much are we being controlled by fear of others’ reactions to our boundaries or limits?

Then we can ask ourselves: why are we doing this? What purpose does it serve? What immediate rewards do we attain? In what ways are our behaviors fulfilling our needs? Are there feelings of shame, anger, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, or depression tangled up in our habits? How do these feelings lead to our behaviors? How do these feelings result from our behaviors?

How are our habits affecting our physical health? How are our behaviors affecting our relationships with others? How are our drugs, habits, or relationship patterns affecting our work life? What are the short- and long-term benefits and costs?

As we watch and explore our behaviors in an open and neutral manner, we set the stage for our growth toward increased health. We emerge into the New Year with information about ourselves that we need in order to develop a plan of action, if we so choose, toward change. And by being more honest with ourselves and more present in the life we currently are living, we have broken the paralyzing spell of fantasy: We have begun moving toward a better life.

Traditions are as unique as the families they originate from. For instance, every New Year’s Eve, my family cuts loose to old school Russian music, eats lots of European cuisine and exchanges presents at midnight. When my father was alive, every Hanukkah, we’d blast the Barry sisters, use the living room as a dance floor, and only take breaks for bites of potato latkes.

With the holidays in full swing, we wanted to know how therapists celebrate the season. Below, in this month’s Therapists Spill piece — a regular series that gives readers a glimpse into practitioners’ personal and professional lives — clinicians reveal their favorite rituals below.

For Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and postpartum mental health expert, the most special tradition is sharing a generous gift with a stranger every Christmas Eve.

Hands down, my favorite holiday tradition is one I started just a few years ago with my husband and children. It’s based on a popular book called The Christmas Jar, by Jason Wright. Each year, a couple of months before Christmas, we set out our “Christmas Jar.” Each time we see it we can choose to leave a little change or a few dollars in the jar. The kids will leave some of their allowance, and even guests will contribute to the jar!

Then, on Christmas Eve, we empty the contents of the jar into a gift bag, with a note that says, “Merry Christmas! From, Your Friends” and we all pile in the car (which the past few years has required two cars because my parents and siblings want in on the action too!).

We start driving around town, watching the streets carefully, looking for someone in need. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right person, which we usually suddenly “know” — like a gut reaction or prompting that “this is the one.”

The kids then hop out of the car and try not to startle the stranger as they give him/her the gift bag and say, “Merry Christmas!” before running back to the car.

Almost always the stranger will start moving quickly away from us, to a safe location, as we try to follow at a distance so they can have their privacy but we can watch as they open the bag. The look on our new friend’s face is always one of shock, looking around, and finally a smile.

Sometimes they head to a store or restaurant to purchase food. Sometimes they head away from us and we let them go. It is truly the best moment of the entire holiday for each and every one of us!

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, loves to bring a variety of people — and customs — together.

I have friends from many different cultures. We have a standing date every year at my house to decorate my holiday Christmas Tree. What I love most is that we get together and celebrate these unique traditions with our families.

It’s a great time to share stories, learn about the different faiths and cultures and bond over good food and wonderful music.

Nothing makes me happier than to see my Christmas tree adorned with ornaments not only in Christian holiday fare, but also handmade Jewish stars, Kwanzaa candles, Indian Mango leaves and Nordic gingerbread ornaments that friends bring.

For Joyce Marter, LCPC, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, decorating the home is a favorite tradition — and a family affair.

My favorite holiday tradition is to festively decorate my home, which I’ve always cherished doing during the Christmas season.  When my husband and I became parents, I began decorating for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day and even the 4th of July.

The process of decorating is a mindfulness practice of sorts — it causes me to become more aware of the present moment, the state of our house, and to clear out any clutter to make space for joy.

I love this tradition because it expands each holiday from a single day to a whole month of celebration.  I share in my children’s excitement as they help unpack their favorite holiday items from boxes that have been in the attic since the year prior.

This process prompts me to reflect on the change of seasons and become more conscious of the passage of time, which encourages me to focus on the things that matter most in life.

Finally, the decorations create a cozy and festive ambiance for family and friends to enjoy when we enjoy togetherness at our home, which is the primary intention of the holidays.

Jeffrey Sumber, MA, a psychotherapist, author and teacher, loves spending New Year’s Eve in self-reflection – and with close friends.

I never understood the tradition for NYE that required inebriation. Getting unabashedly drunk on the first of the year feels sad to me. I prefer NYE to be a taking stock day. It is the house on the corner that allows one to see the street I just came from as I look down the street I am turning into.

How was the past year? What worked and what did not work so well? What do I want to create in the year to come? What are my intentions for my internal process as well as my external work in the world?

I love joining with a small group of friends after or during this introspective process and by all means, have a nice glass of something, just share the bottle…

For John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, the most meaningful ritual is traveling with family and creating memories on the road.

Typically, my wife, son and I are on the road during the holidays, traveling between our home in Chicago and my in-laws house in central Iowa. The landscape throughout is stark, and the weather is often disagreeable. Yet those six hours in the car happen to define the joy of the holidays for me. Any given year, we are likely laughing, singing, talking, and telling stories. Oddly enough, that’s a happy Christmas to me, and the memories remain indelible.

For Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, Calif., discovery is a beloved tradition.

I have young kids, so our traditions are still in process. You could say trying on new rituals is our tradition. What are our favorite Thanksgiving dishes? We discover that a little each year.

We celebrate Christmas, but how? A tree and presents are a given, but when do we open presents and what meals will we serve? We want our traditions to have meaning, and we believe that discovering this meaning is as important as the tradition itself.

We’ll probably have a clearer idea of our traditions in a few years, but I also hope some of them are still being discovered. That’s part of the fun.

For many of us our favorite customs make the holidays. Big or small, these rituals often remind us of what’s important — whether it’s laughs with a loved one or a generous gift to a stranger.

What are your favorite holiday traditions?

Decorating the tree photo available from Shutterstock

But there is hope. Whether I’m fretting about something as trite as stocking stuffers or as complicated as managing difficult family relationships, I apply a few rules that I’ve learned over the years.

These 9 rules help me put the joy back into the festivities — or at least keep me from hurling a mistletoe at Santa and landing myself on the “naughty” list.

1. Expect the Worst

Now that’s a cheery thought for this jolly season. What I’m trying to say is that you have to predict bad behavior before it happens so that you can catch it in your holiday mitt and toss it back, instead of having it knock you to the floor. It’s simple math, really. If every year for the last decade, Uncle Ted has given you a bottle of Merlot, knowing full well that you are a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for more years than his kids have been out of diapers, you can safely assume he will do this again. So what do you do? Catch it in your “slightly-annoyed” mitt. (And maybe reciprocate by giving him a cheese basket for his high cholesterol.)

2. Remember to “SEE”

No, I don’t mean for you to schedule an appointment with an ophthalmologist. SEE stands for Sleeping regularly, Eating well, and Exercising. Without these three basics, you can forget about an enjoyable (or even tolerable) holiday. Get your seven to nine hours of sleep and practice good sleep hygiene: go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up in the same nightgown with the same man at the same time in the same house every morning.

Eating well and exercise are codependent, at least in my body, because my biggest motivator for exercising is the reduction in guilt I feel about splurging on dessert. Large quantities of sugar or high fructose corn syrup can poison your brain. If you know your weak spot–the end of the table where Aunt Judy places her homemade hazelnut holiday balls — then swim, walk, or jog ten extra minutes to compensate for your well-deserved treat. Another acronym to remember during the holidays is HALT: don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

3. Beef Up Your Support

If you attend Al-Anon once a week, go twice a week during the holidays. If you attend a yoga class twice a week, try to fit in another. Schedule an extra therapy session as insurance against the potential meltdowns ahead of you. Pad yourself with extra layers of emotional resilience by discussing in advance specific concerns you have about X, Y, and Z with a counselor, minister, or friend (preferably one who doesn’t gossip).

In my life with two young kids, this means getting extra babysitters so that if I have a meltdown in Starbucks like I did two years ago — before I knew the mall was menacing to my inner peace — I will have an extra ten minutes to record in my journal what I learned from that experience.

4. Avoid Toxic People

This one’s difficult if the toxic people happen to be hosting Christmas dinner! But in general, just try your best to avoid pernicious humans in December. And if you absolutely must see such folks, then allow only enough time for digestion and gift-giving. Drink no more than one glass of wine in order to preserve your ability to think rationally. You don’t want to get confused and decide you really do love these people, only to hear them say something horribly offensive two minutes later, causing you to storm off all aggravated and hurt. (This would also be a good time to remember Rule #1.)

5. Know Thyself

In other words, identify your triggers. As a highly sensitive person (as described in Elaine Aron’s book, “The Highly Sensitive Person”), I know that my triggers exist in a petri dish of bacteria known as the Westfield Annapolis Mall. Between Halloween and New Years, I won’t go near that place because Santa is there and he scares me with his long beard, which holds in its cute white curls every virus of every local preschool. Before you make too many plans this holiday season, list your triggers: people, places, and things that tend to trigger your fears and bring out your worst traits.

6. Travel With Polyester, Not Linen

By this, I do not mean sporting the polyester skirt with the red sequined reindeer. I’m saying that you should lower your standards and make traveling as easy as possible, both literally and figuratively. Do you really want to be looking for an iron for that beautiful linen or cotton dress when you arrive at your destination? I didn’t think so — life’s too short for travel irons.

I used to be adamantly opposed to using a portable DVD player in the car to entertain the kids because I thought it would create two spoiled monsters whose imaginations had rotted courtesy of Disney. One nine-hour car trip home to Ohio for Christmas, I cried uncle after six hours of constant squabbling and screaming coming from the back seat. Now David and Katherine only fight over which movie they get to watch first. If you have a no-food rule policy for the car, I’d amend that one during the holidays as well.

7. Make Your Own Traditions

Of course, you don’t need the “polyester” rule if you ban holiday travel altogether. That’s what I did this year. As the daughter/sister who abandoned her family in Ohio by moving out east, it has always been my responsibility to travel during the holidays. But my kids are now four and six. I can’t continue to haul the family to the Midwest every year. We are our own family. So I said this to my mom a few weeks ago: “It’s very important that I spend time with you, but I’d like to do it as a less stressful time, like the summer, when traveling is easier.” She wasn’t thrilled, but she understood.

Making your own tradition might mean Christmas Eve is reserved for your family and the extended family is invited over for brunch on Christmas Day. Or vice versa. Basically, it’s laying down some rules so that you have better control over the situation. As a people-pleaser who hates to cook, I make a better guest than host, but sometimes serenity comes in taking the driver’s seat, and telling the passengers to fasten their seatbelts and be quiet.

8. Get Out of Yourself

According to Gandhi, the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others. But that doesn’t necessarily mean holding a soup ladle. Since my name and the word “kitchen” have filed a restraining order on each other, I like to think there are a variety of ways you can serve others.

Matthew 6:21 says “for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” In other words, start with the things you like to do. For me, that is saying a rosary for a depressed Beyond Blue reader, or visiting a priest-friend who needs encouragement and support in order to continue his ministry, or helping talented writer friends get published. I’d like to think this is service, too, because if those people are empowered by my actions, then I’ve contributed to a better world just as much as if I had dished out mashed potatoes to a homeless person at a shelter.

9. Exercise Your Funny Bone

“Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods,” says a Japanese proverb. So, if you’re with someone who thinks he’s God, the natural response would be to laugh! But seriously folks, research shows that laughing is good for your health. And, unlike exercise, it’s always enjoyable! The funniest people in my life are those who have been to hell and back, bought the t-shirt, and then accidentally shrunk it in the wash. Humor kept them alive — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Remember, with a funny bone in place — even if it’s in a cast — everything is tolerable.

My “9 Holiday Depression Busters” are also featured in a Beliefnet gallery. You can get to it by clicking here.

However, what about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and unicorns? Is it okay to tell our child that Santa Claus and the like are real? Are these just innocent ‘white lies’ that we all tell our kids so their faces light up with joy as they indulge in the pleasure of make-believe?

Or is it a dangerous path that deeply affects our child’s capacity to trust adults when they eventually find out the truth?

Both my husband and I grew up believing in Santa and never felt betrayed when we figured it out. However, my eldest son, Jack, was told Santa was real, and boy was I unprepared for the fallout when he eventually found out the truth.

I can still remember the look on his face of dismay, confusion, sadness, and incredible anger when he discovered that I — the person he felt he could trust the most in the world — had lied to him.

He looked directly at me with such sad, tear-filled eyes and said, “I will never trust you again.”

Ouch.

He did (eventually) and we moved on but, many years later, he still occasionally mentions it and pulls me up if I say anything remotely resembling a white lie to his younger sisters. He has turned into the ‘lie police’ in our house (no bad thing!). Needless to say, I have regretted my original approach to Santa ever since.

From my counseling work, I have discovered I am by no means alone in this experience. Just like my son, many children are devastated to find out the truth about Santa.

We were one of those families that really played it up. We baked cookies for Santa and left out carrots for the reindeer, on Christmas morning there would be some half-eaten cookies and some strangely chewed-up carrots on the plate. Santa wrote letters and everything. In hindsight I wish I wouldn’t have played that much into it. Draven, 11, was one of the ones who felt really betrayed… He gets the whole idea behind the spirit of Santa, but truly feels we lied to him for many years. He just told me he doesn’t even want to set up a tree this year because Santa isn’t real, so why decorate. His feelings of betrayal have put a dimmer on the season for us for the last 2 years. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t play so much into the make believe. I would let the child lead and I’d follow.
– Tina

Some children take the feeling of betrayal and confusion into adulthood, and it has long-lasting effects on the parent-child relationship.

Some families go a bit nutty on the Santa hoax — my parents did. They actively did things to make it look like Santa had visited and told stories of hearing noises on the roof or just missing seeing him. I don’t think my younger brother bought it all as long as I did, but I definitely felt betrayed when I found out it had all been an elaborate lie, and that feeling lasted a long time.
– Meredith

Lying to our children about Santa, or any other mythical figure, isn’t kind or necessary. Our children will still be able to enjoy the wonder of make-believe without our fabrications. On the flip side, some parents, thinking they’re being honest and progressive, go too far and kill all the joy of Santa. However, there are gentler approaches in between outright lying to children about Santa and exposing the whole thing as a cruel hoax. These approaches are motivated by joy, love, respect, and imagination.

In our house we have always played Santa, but it has always been an imaginative game and she has always known that he isn’t real. She is 11 now and we still play the game and it’s still magical and fun. But that’s always all it’s ever been, just a fun game.
– Tova

So how can you keep the magic of Christmas alive for your children without betraying their trust? It is important to remember that all children are different when it comes to fantasy. Some take things more seriously than others and are more literal. Some fall right in with the game. Some catch on to the whole ‘spirit of giving’ thing and see Santa as part of that. Some get their feelings hurt and end up bitter about it.  And some are downright terrified about the thought of an elderly man coming into their house at night!

My daughter was terrified of Santa coming into her home, so we left her presents at Grandma’s house.  It satisfied her to an extent, but she was still really anxious about the whole thing, and was afraid when she saw people dressed as Santa.  I wish I told her the truth because she really didn’t get any joy from it.
– Bec

Playing ‘The Santa Game’ with our kids can be great fun for all concerned. Just like we might talk about fictional characters such as Dora, or Power Rangers, Santa can fit right in! Going out of our way to try to make our kids really believe there is a man living in the North Pole with his wife and elves, who rides around on a sleigh just isn’t necessary. It is still possible to really get into the whole Christmas spirit as much as our children wish by following their lead, maybe by decorating the house, telling stories, watching movies, going to carol services, present-giving, baking, and dressing up.