“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

Maybe they’re being secretive and have even stolen money from your wallet. Maybe their physical appearance has changed with rapid weight loss or red eyes. Maybe you’ve noticed a change in their sleep habits, energy level and mood. Maybe you’ve actually found marijuana or other drugs in their room.

Naturally, the thought and possible confirmation of your child using drugs trigger a rush and range of emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, fear.

If you think your child is using drugs, how do you approach them? Where do you start?

Two parenting experts shared their insight below.

1. Be direct and calm.

“This issue is too serious for subtlety,” said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. He suggested readers approach their kids “directly and immediately.”

Avoid letting your anger and frustration spill over into the conversation. According to Lisa Kaplin, Psy.D, a psychologist and life coach who teaches parenting classes, “The best way to approach your child is with delicacy, not drama. If you approach them with panic, anger, aggression or accusations, you can be sure your child will tell you absolutely nothing.”

Yelling, threatening and lecturing your child typically leads them to withdraw, sneak around and lie, she said.

Duffy also suggested approaching your child “from an emotional space of genuine concern for well-being.” He understands that being calm and centered is a lot to ask of parents. “But it is, without a doubt, the approach that works best in my experience.”

It’s common for kids to deny their drug use, or to respond casually (e.g.,” It’s just pot, and I don’t smoke it that often, anyway”). If this happens, “give a brief response in which you tell them that you do not want them to use drugs of any kind,” Kaplin said. Reiterate your house rules about drugs and alcohol use and “the consequences that come with that behavior.”

2. Talk when your child is lucid.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation when your child is drunk or high, Duffy said. “This might seem like common sense, but I have worked with many parents who have attempted to lecture an inebriated teenager.”

3. Ask open-ended questions.

It’s more likely that your child will be honest, and talk about their drug use if you ask open-ended questions. According to Kaplin, these are several examples: “Can you tell me more about that?  How did you feel in that situation? What will you do if that happens again? How can I help you with this?”

If your child admits to using drugs, again, “ask them with open-ended, non-judgmental questions about what drugs they have used, how often, and if they plan on using again.” You also can ask “for their input on how to proceed.”

4. Don’t punish your child.

Avoid punishing your kids, Duffy said. It rarely works. For instance, “Taking a cell phone away will never keep a drug user away from using.”

5. Show your support.

If your child reveals their drug use, “Thank [them] for being honest with you,” Kaplin said. Let them know that you’re “here to help them. Tell them you love them.”

6. Get your child treatment.

It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.

Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”

Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.

Even if your child is over 18 years old, Duffy suggested having a similar conversation. While you can’t force your older child to attend therapy, you can leverage other things, such as your financial position, he said.

It’s also important to get clear on your limits, communicate them to your adult child and follow through, Kaplin said. For instance, “can your child still live with you if they’re using drugs? If not, when must they leave and will you help them with treatment or other living arrangements?”

Knowing your child is possibly using drugs is stressful, scary and painful. And it can be incredibly hard to have a calm conversation. If you feel yourself losing control, take a break, and return when you’ve cooled off. Whether your child admits to using drugs or not, having them see a qualified therapist is critical.

Further Reading

Here’s more on symptoms of teen substance abuse, what parents can do, and reasons your child might use drugs and how to help them.

Register:  https://www4.gotomeeting.com/register/469236071

Description:  This special Mother’s Day webinar features best-selling author and Psych Central blogger Zoë Kessler (ADHD from A to Zoë) and special guest Lisa Aro, aka “Queen of the Distracted.”

Mark it on your calendar now, and check out additional information about the webinar inside…

Aro has earned her crown as the busy mom of 7 kids (6 with ADHD), and a husband who also has ADHD. Aro chronicles her family life at her blog, Queen of the Distracted. No family is without its challenges; when you add ADHD into the mix, family life gets even more complicated.

Join Zoë and Lisa for an informal and informative chat on parenting ADHD kids from the perspective of a grown-up ADHD kid (Zoë) and a non-ADHD mom (Lisa) with lots of insights on how to manage the many foibles and follies while still enjoying the fun of an active ADHD family.

You’ll get lots of tips on how prevent burnout and bring out the best in your ADHD bunch as Lisa and Zoë share their stories with honesty and insight.

We look forward to having you join us on Tuesday, May 7 at 7:00 p.m. (EST) for this special one-hour pre-Mother’s Day event.

Register today!
Click here to register: Mother’s Day with ADHD: How to Keep it Happy!

When it comes to mental illness, people say the darnedest things. As illustrated above, even medical staff can make incredibly insensitive and downright despicable remarks.

Others think teasing is okay.

Fast, a coach who works with partners and families of people with bipolar disorder, has heard stories of people getting teased at work. One client’s son works at the vegetable department of a grocery store. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and poor social skills. When his symptoms flare up, his coworkers will ask questions like, “Why do the labels have to be so perfect? Why do they have to be in line like that?” They’ve also teased him about being in a psychiatric facility.

But most people — hopefully — know that being an outright jerk to someone about their mental illness isn’t just inappropriate and ignorant. It’s cruel.

Yet there are moments when even neutral words may be misconstrued, because the person is in a vulnerable place, according to F. Diane Barth, LCSW, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City. “The truth is that it can be complicated to find the right comment to make to someone who is struggling with emotional difficulties.”

This is why it’s so important to educate yourself about helpful things to say. In fact, Fast, author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, believes that we have to be taught what to say. “It’s not innate at all to help someone who has a mental illness.”

So what makes an insensitive remark? According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, “The problems happen when people make statements that imply that mental illness is a sign of emotional weakness, it’s something that can be quickly overcome with some trite homespun advice or they minimize it as a minor issue you can just get over.”

Below are additional examples of problematic statements, along with what makes a good response.

1. “Get busy, and distract yourself.”

“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away.”

2. “Do you want to get better?”

For mental health blogger Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose, and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”

3. “Change your attitude.”

While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia, said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental illness.”

4. “Stop focusing on the bad stuff, and just start living.”

According to Barth, “one of the most common mistakes is to tell a person to stop focusing on themselves, or on the bad things, or on the past, and just start living.” Why is this so problematic? It can make a person feel even worse about themselves. “[T]hey figure the fact that they can’t do it is, in their mind, just one more sign of their failure.”

5. “You have everything you need to get better.”

“This is well intentioned, but to me it sounded like an indictment against me for not trying hard enough,” said Borchard, also author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes. Plus, this might not even be accurate. Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve. “Sometimes you need a little assistance.”

6. “You can snap out of it. Everyone feels this way sometimes.”

Everyone experiences a range of emotions. For instance, everyone feels sad occasionally. But sadness on some days isn’t the same as “a hopeless pit of despair where it’s so dark I’ve forgotten what light looks like,” a description of depression that one client gave to Howes. Feeling anxious isn’t the same as having a panic attack, “a terrifying lightning storm of despair, self-hatred and the absolute certainty of my immediate death,” he said.

7. “Just pray about it.”

Prayer is powerful for many people. Centering yourself and feeling support from a higher power can be very helpful, Howes said. “[B]ut this advice alone can minimize the problem, ignore many proven medical and psychological treatments and can even make someone feel like they’re not being healed, because they lack sufficient faith, which adds insult to injury.”

8. “Why can’t you work?”

It’s no doubt hard to watch someone who’s smart and capable unable to work. But telling a person who’s already struggling that they’re lazy, just making excuses or aren’t trying hard enough can be incredibly hurtful, Fast said.

She’s personally heard the following before: “I don’t see why you have such a tough time with work. Everyone works. You need to just get over it and work.” Even just asking a question like “Why is this so hard for you?” can make a person wonder what’s wrong with them. They might say, “Why can’t I work? They are right and I am a failure!” Fast said. “And they will push themselves too far.”

9. “You have the same illness as my ______.”

Years ago, when Fast’s partner Ivan, who has bipolar disorder, was in the hospital, she didn’t know anything about the illness. She told her friend that Ivan had something called “manic depression.” Fast’s friend responded with: “Oh. I know what that is. My grandfather had it and he shot himself.” A person Fast barely knew told her: “My uncle has that, but we don’t know where he is!”

“I remember every minute of Ivan being ill, and I remember those two comments the most — 18 years ago!”

The Right Responses

While reading this piece, you might be wondering if you should say anything at all. “Silence is, in my experience, the worst response, because it’s generally interpreted in the negative,” Barth said.

According to Howes, these are helpful responses:

• “[S]incerely express your concern: ‘You’re having panic attacks? I’m so sorry to hear that. From what I’ve heard, that can be just awful.’

• Offer your support: ‘Please let me know if you need anything, or if you’d just like to talk.’
• Talk to them the same way you did before, which lets them know your feelings about them or respect for them hasn’t changed; your relationship is stable. They’re the same person, just dealing with an issue that is less visibly obvious than a broken arm or the flu.”

When it comes to mental illness, people make everything from insensitive to totally outrageous comments. When in doubt, Howes suggested offering “compassion, support and stability in your relationship and leav[ing] the advice to the psychological or medical experts… [A]ny advice beyond ‘I hope you’ve found good, caring treatment’ and ‘come talk to me anytime’ can be experienced as intrusive and can even cause more problems.”

For more on this topic, read Borchard’s pieces on what not to say to someone with depression and what to say.  

But having less “discretionary time” as a parent can become just another excuse stopping you from creating, said Miranda Hersey, a creativity coach, host of the blog Studio Mothers and author of The Creative Mother’s Guide: Six Practices for the Early Years.

Hersey knows a lot about having little time. She has five kids, ages 5 to 22.

Yet, creativity has always been part of her life. For Hersey, “a creative life is full of passion, self-expression, intuition, observation, discovery, asking questions, learning, and making connections, with other people and the world around us.”

Writer and artist Suzi Banks Baum called creativity her “lifeline.” She’s been journaling daily since she was 14. “I wrote the day I gave birth and the day after.”

When she moved from New York City to a small community in upstate New York, she started knitting. “I felt really lonely and was verging on depression. I needed to do something with my hands.” She also joined a knitting circle and returned to Al-Anon meetings. “I began to see myself as an individual who had needs.”

When you nourish your needs, you also become a better parent. According to Hersey, “When you’re regularly creative … you’re happier, more centered, better able to deal with the inevitable stresses of life. When you follow your creative bliss, you’re also modeling something important for your children: doing what you love.”

Below, Hersey and Baum shared nine ideas for living a creative life when you have kids.

1. Do what you love.

Many people think they have to change their lifestyle to be creative, said Baum, also author of An Anthology of Babes: 36 Women Give Motherhood a Voice. But you can simply “remember or find something that you love and do it.” Hersey agreed. “We can be creative at any opportunity—not just when we’re writing or painting or dancing.” For her, “being creative is synonymous with being in love with life.”

2. Take small steps.

When your kids are younger, you may only have a few moments to yourself. During the first two years of motherhood, Baum carried a notebook in her diaper bag. She’d journal, doodle and sketch early in the morning or in the park while her kids were asleep in their strollers. She’d capture everything from scenes of her city to palm trees when she was on vacation.

She also carried a small book of poetry. “Those ‘reading snacks’ kept my mind fed with stimulating ideas and language, which are areas that in the early mothering years can feel very limited.”

Those few minutes with her books also helped Baum soothe her anxiety and worries. “It’d bring things down from a full boil to a simmer.”

Interestingly, during these first few months of infancy, many moms are flooded with ideas, Hersey said. She suggested capturing those ideas by scribbling on a piece of paper or an index card at night.

When your kids get older, there’s usually more time to create. But “you may find yourself stuck between having a tantalizing snippet of time to do your work [and] having to stop on a moment’s notice and not feeling like you can have the time that you really want, at least not on your terms,” Hersey said.

She suggested remembering that some time — like 15 minutes — is better than no time. “Drop by drop, you can still fill the bucket.”

3. Consider a class.

When Baum’s kids started school, she took a mixed media collage class. “That one class changed a lot for me.” She loved learning the material and being in a “community of other mothers doing a creative task.”

The class also helped Baum shift her self-image. “I joined a community of artists and that allowed me to see myself differently as an individual. I had never identified myself as an artist until I took that class and realized that I belonged there.” Today, she collaborates with her former instructor – now a close friend – on workshops and exhibits.

She experienced a similar shift when she took a monthly writing workshop. She started seeing herself as a writer and was inspired to help other mothers tell their stories.

4. Find a sitter.

Sometimes you might want to leave your house to focus on your creativity. If so, Hersey suggested hiring a babysitter or swapping child care with a friend.

5. Be creative with your kids.

“Let yourself do what you love while you’re with your family,” Baum said. For her, cooking, knitting, gardening and attending museums are all important creative acts. So when her kids played in the yard, she gardened. When they went to coffee shops, she took out her notebook and sketched. She also knitted her kids’ clothes and hats. When they travel, they go to museums. “My kids love this. It makes for some of the most interesting times with our family.”

This also models to your kids the importance of taking care of yourself and nourishing creativity, she added. This way practicing one’s creativity “is not seen as something you do at a certain time with a certain outfit on.”

6. Think of yourself as “in training.”

Fatigue is a big challenge for creativity, Hersey said. “Whether you’re at home full-time, navigating a part-time job, working full-time out of the house, or some unique combination, most of us are exhausted by the time the day’s work is done and the last dish is washed.”

That’s why Hersey recommended thinking of yourself as “in training for your life.” That training can include eating foods that boost your energy, exercising, sleeping well and engaging in other healthy practices, such as meditation, she said. “Taking care of your well-being will increase your energy level and with it, your creative bandwidth.”

7. Get up earlier.

Before your kids wake up is a great time to create. Even if you’re not a morning person, you can try getting up 30 minutes earlier, Hersey said. “What would it take for you to make that work? What are you willing to give up for a regular creative practice? Chances are, you can figure something out that doesn’t involve sacrifice for your kids.”

8. Find people on a similar path.

Baum has found a supportive community of creative mothers both in person and online. These women have helped her see her own creativity and work through various challenges.

9. Focus on solutions.

When it comes to creativity, it’s easy to get stuck in the “if-onlys.” If only my kids were in school. If only I had a full hour each day. If only I could get up earlier. You can always find reasons why you can’t create, Hersey said.

She suggested focusing less on what you can’t do, and more on what you can. “The truth is that life is hard – and it will only be harder, the more that we focus on how hard it is. Let’s stop saying ‘I can’t’ and ‘This won’t work’ and start figuring out how to do what it is that we say we want to do.”

Creative Inspiration

Hersey recommended the following books on creativity and writing: Writer Mama by Christina Katz; Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues; and Use Your Words by Kate Hopper.

These are her other favorites on creativity: The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp; The Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori; and The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander.

She also suggested everything written by these authors: Eric Maisel, Danny Gregory, Keri Smith, Patti Digh, Jennifer Louden, Steven Pressfield, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg.

“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

Tomorrow, April 25th, is the 20th anniversary of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day that encourages parents to do exactly that. Started in 1993 as a “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” it was originally intended to show girls opportunities that had been closed off to women and to inspire young girls to see themselves as having the potential to reach whatever professional dreams they had. By 2003, it was expanded to include our sons as it was understood that the boys, too, needed to have the experience of seeing what their parents did for work.

Many companies now have incorporated this annual event into the company culture. Employers see involvement in the day as a way to support their workers in balancing work with family life and to invest in the workforce of the future.

One special day a year, parents are invited to bring their children to work to sit at desks, follow their parents around the office or plant or store, and maybe have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria. The kids get to see where their parents spend their day and to meet some of their colleagues. Most important, they get to see up close what their parents’ work involves.

It’s an opportunity for parents and others in the workplace to show kids that education pays off and to talk to them about what it takes for someone to reach their potential and to be successful. Further, it provides a way for parents and adult mentors to talk to children about how work supports the family and how it is an integral part of adult life.

Those of us who work in human services can’t let our kids shadow our day due to very real concerns about confidentiality and privacy for our clients. But we can still celebrate the day by engaging our children in conversation about our work and perhaps by describing in general terms what a typical day looks like. When clients aren’t scheduled, we can still bring our children to the office to see what it looks like, let them sit in our chairs and perhaps meet our support staff. My younger daughter told me recently that it made her feel very grown up the day she came to my office when she was 10 and talked to me seriously about my journey to become a therapist.

Whatever we do for a living, Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day provides a reason to sit down with our kids and demystify our work life.

My children are grown now. They too now go off to work, talk to people and do stuff and get tired. Like their dad and me, they also know the rewards of doing something they are passionate about that supports themselves and their families. I hope when their children are old enough to participate,Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day will continue to be celebrated to help them empower their children also to reach for their professional dreams.

But do you know what else kids need parents for? Want to guess? Whatever you’re thinking is probably true, but I doubt it’s the answer I’m thinking of.

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom.

What?! That sounds like heresy in a freedom-loving culture.

Shouldn’t we all have freedom to follow our desires? To do what we want? To venture down the road we find most appealing? Isn’t that what our social movements (civil rights, women’s movement, gay liberation) have been about? Remove the restrictions! We want the freedom to indulge in our inclinations!

So why not kids? Why shouldn’t kids participate fully in the freedom movement? And, especially during the teen years, why shouldn’t parents capitulate to their kids’ desires?

Here’s why: To live in a world with few external restrictions, you need to have the ability to say “no” to your momentary impulses and passions. And kids (except for the most conscientious kids) do not have that ability.

Left to their own devices, how many kids do you know who will choose to eat a healthy meal over devouring dessert for dinner? How many do you know who would choose to do homework rather than indulge in video games? How many do you know who would voluntarily say “it’s time for me to go to sleep”?

The dream of “freedom from” works only if you know how to handle the “freedom to” part. You may think you’re really lucky if you have total freedom. But if you’re unable to create a viable balance between freedom and restraint, you’re not lucky at all. Witness all the grossly obese people, the crazy-in-debt people, the chronically sleep-deprived people, the addicted people. And these are adults who should have more control over their impulses than kids.

So what happens when kids are free to do as they please? Do you think their nobler instincts typically triumph over their baser ones? If so, you are a dreamer. For most kids have no idea how to handle an excess of freedom, even though they’re demanding it.

It’s natural for kids to lobby for fewer restrictions. And it’s natural for parents to ease up on restraints as kids get older. But if parents make a wholesale capitulation to endless and insistent demands for more freedom, the results typically are appalling.

Here’s the end result when kids get to run the household: They eat only what they want to eat. They watch an inordinate amount of TV. They play an endless amount of video games. They go to sleep when they damn well please. They cuss out their parents. They don’t take care of their things. They demand that their parents buy them whatever they want. They have no frustration tolerance. Their wants become their needs. Their needs must be met. Their needs supersede everyone else’s.

And that’s just a description of pre-adolescent behavior. Once adolescence hits, teens without restraints command the household, defining their most outrageous activity as acceptable because it could always be worse:

“I can’t get up today; I’m too tired. I’m not going to school. Get out of my room and leave me alone!”

“I’m having a keg party this weekend. I don’t care if I’m underage. You know it’s better if I drink at home than to be out on the street drinking.”

“Yes, I’m hooking up with a lot of girls. That’s good. You always told me not to get serious with any one girl ’til I’m older.”

“It’s only pot. I could be using heroin or cocaine like lots of other kids.”

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom, to narrow their choices and to put pressure on them to meet their obligations. Kids may not appreciate all this restraint. But they need it. And parents need to step up to the plate and provide it, even when it’s so much easier to just give in to the incessant complaining and demanding.

But 11 years after the first insomniac was born, I’m still exhausted, as I am convinced he emerged from my womb with no need of sleep, and then his sister two years later with the same curse. I’m not sure how it happened, being that I’ve always needed eight hours of sleep to stay sane.

The last two months there has been a lot of cussing in our house after 8 p.m., when we begin the rituals. In desperation I headed to my shelf of expert advice to see if any nuggets in there would apply, or at least not nauseate me. I came away empty-handed. Great intentions. Perfect principles. Wise stuff. Just not going to work on my rebels, who defy traditional rules and procedures.

So I’m back to threatening. However, threatening, itself, can be complicated, and deserves its own guidelines.

Here are my two cents on how to threaten effectively. These are not principles that will foster healthy sleep habits. They will merely get you a few days of sleep if you are like me, in the state of emergency. Experts aren’t big on Band-aids. I am.

1. Prep the threat.

My fundamental mistake in releasing a threat is not being totally prepared. In an impatient huff, I might blurt out something stupid like, “If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to … going to … going to …,” brainstorming about which option is best, at which point my two devious offspring start laughing. The result is that they do not take future threats seriously, and I have lost all negotiating power (which effective parents don’t need because they don’t have to negotiate with their kids) because I didn’t think through the bribe before opening my trap in a premature fit.

2. Specify the threat.

Threats should be like legal documents. Hell, you could get out a piece of paper with all the specifications written down and, instead of them pinky-swearing, you could get a signature. The more detailed the better because kids who don’t sleep tend to be smart and manipulative. So when I take away the family iPad from my daughter, she finds a computer in the house and starts surfing YouTube or making videos of herself. When we take that away, she grabs one of our iPhones and downloads an app where she can try out new hairstyles on stick-skinny chicks. If she can’t find those, she’ll steal her brother’s iPod and start uploading photos to his Instagram. I should have stipulated that ALL electronics are banned, that she has to do something really radical like read a book or use pencil and paper and draw.

3. Time the threat.

Just as important as the content of the threat is the delivery: in particular, when you deliver the threat. I’ve found that when my insomniacs are overly tired and irrational they can’t hear a word I say, even if I’m yelling. Therefore, it’s best to wait until breakfast, when I will say very calmly that they have lost electronics for the day or until they learn how to calm themselves down and go to bed without making visits to our room or to a sibling’s room in the middle of the night, sleepwalking, singing Macklemore’s song lyrics, “I’m gonna pop some tags,” or perfecting Anna Kendrick’s cup act in “Pitch Perfect.”

Threatening is not easy. So hopefully these guidelines assist you in reaching for a wide Band-aid and a few nights’ sleep before you have to come up with an entirely different set of new threats. Good luck!

While every situation is unique, Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships, offered her suggestions for helping aging parents.

1. Empathize with your parents.

Sometimes you might be taken aback by your parents’ frustration, moody behavior or neediness. In fact, on some days, they might be downright unpleasant to be around. But it’s important to be empathetic and understand where they’re coming from. According to Steinorth, “Aging is a series of losses — loss of employment, health and energy, friends, mobility, and independence.” Consider how you’d feel if you were in their situation, she said.

2. Call them regularly.

When Steinorth was researching her master’s thesis, the number one thing aging parents wanted from their kids was simply to hear from them. She suggested setting a reminder on your phone to check in with your parents and see how they’re doing.

3. Get other family involved.

When helping your parents, don’t take on all the responsibility yourself, unless you have to, Steinorth said. For instance, she knows of one family who emails updates to each other any time a sibling visits their parents. This not only provides information on their parents’ health and current situation, but it also makes it easier to coordinate visits and share responsibilities, she said.

Communication among family members also is key when parents need financial help. “Sometimes siblings will help offset expenses by giving your parents a little bit of money every month — they just need to know what the financial need is in order to be able to make the decision to help,” Steinorth said. (She also suggested seeing a financial advisor who specializes in elder care issues to discuss your options.)

4. Seek out potential problems.

Walk around your parents’ home, and scrutinize the surroundings for any necessary repairs or changes. For instance, look out for uneven flooring, handrails and well-lit hallways and stairs, she said. Also, check if essential items are within reach and emergency contact information is next to the phone. If something major requires repair, find out if your state offers low-interest loans to seniors, Steinorth added. She suggested visiting this website for more information.

5. Advocate for them.

If your parent has an illness, make sure both of you have a good grasp of what that means and what treatment entails. For instance, know the medications they’re taking and when they’re supposed to be taken. If you’re accompanying them to appointments, ask questions, and take notes, she said.

6. Encourage them to be active.

Many aging parents tend to be isolated, because they stop driving, get tired easily or have hearing or vision loss, Steinorth said. She stressed the importance of helping parents stay both socially and physically active.

“Talk to them about their friends, senior groups, and church or synagogue members. Find out what parks, the library, museums, nearby universities, and community centers offer in the way of organized activities.”

Physical activity is key for improving mood, endurance, balance and strength and delaying cognitive decline, she said. For instance, aging parents can walk, or participate in exercise programs for seniors.

7. Help them downsize without being bossy.

When helping your parents downsize, don’t tell them what they should and shouldn’t keep or toss anything unless you have their permission, she said. “Realize that your parents have many memories and treasure things that remind them of relatives and happy events — these are specific to the individual and just because you don’t see the value in certain items, doesn’t mean your parent shares your view.”

8. Help them create a memory book.

It’s common for seniors to experience short-term memory problems, according to Steinorth. Reminiscing might help. She suggested creating a scrapbook for your parents, filled with photos and names of the people, places and pets from their past. If you have time, work on the scrapbook together, she added.

What To Do When Parents Don’t Want Help

It’s not uncommon for parents to refuse their kids’ help. Try to have this conversation before your parents need immediate assistance, Steinorth said. If they’re not open to your help right now, over time, they might change their minds, she said.

Another approach is to ask others to intervene. For instance, you might ask your siblings, close relatives or even their doctor to talk to your parents, she said. “Sometimes hearing the need for additional help from an outside source can help your parents really hear what is being said and therefore may also make them more open to your help.”

Finally, if your parents are a danger to themselves or others and still refuse your help, contact the department of social services to step in, Steinorth said. Be prepared for your parents to be upset with you. But their anger will probably dissipate, she said, because they’ll be less emotional and understand you had their best interests and safety in mind (and in your heart).

Some people believe that humiliation is a good teacher. You gotta learn. You must not forget. You will be punished if you don’t do it right. Humiliation will make a lesson stick.

These folks are right — humiliation is a good teacher.

But the lesson you learn is not what the teacher is intending. You don’t learn to do things better. You don’t learn to upgrade your skills. You don’t learn to trust your ability to learn.

What you do learn, instead, is to:

• Embrace rigidity. “I can’t do this. No way. No how.”

• Play it safe. “I’ll just make a fool of myself so I’m sticking to the tried and true.”
• Shirk responsibility. “It’s too hard for me; you have to do it for me.”
• Develop a fixed perspective. “I’ve never been any good at this and I never will be.”

Yes, humiliation throws cold water on the joy of learning and shuts down the joy of risk-taking. Indeed, a single dose of humiliation in a vulnerable child can lead to a belief that “I can’t do it,” while a regular dose of humiliation will profoundly cripple a child’s belief in himself and in his ability to learn. “I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m no good. And don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

If you’ve been exposed to the debilitating effects of humiliation, it’s time to rectify the damage that has been done. Here’s what you must do:

• Know that there’s nothing immutable about what you know and don’t know. All you can honestly say is that you don’t know how to do something yet. Put the time and effort into it, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.

• A mistake is not a felony. And it’s certainly not deserving of capital punishment. The most you can say is, it’s a misdemeanor or an oops! Just an error. Something that slipped your mind. Something you forgot because you were distracted. Next time you make a mistake, don’t agonize over it. Instead, acknowledge it. Fix it (if you can). Learn from it. Move on to your next challenge.
• Keep stretching. Keep reaching. Keep learning. Make new mistakes; it means your mind is active. You have not given up on yourself. You are not content to live within a comfort zone the size of a postage stamp. No, that’s not for you. It’s a big wide world out there, with lots of things to learn. You want to be a part of the world. Not apart from the world.
• No matter how much you learn, how much you know, there will be stuff you don’t know. This is not proof of your stupidity. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply life. We cannot know it all.
• When you don’t know what to do, improvise. That’s what everybody else is doing (whether they admit it or not). Make it up on the spot. Sometimes it will work out well. Sometimes it won’t. That’s the nature of life.
• When something intrigues you, go for it. Don’t tell yourself “I’m no good at this.” Take up the challenge. Put in the hard work. Ask for assistance. Tolerate the discomfort. And watch yourself bloom.

Whatever humiliating experiences you have had in the past, do not let them continue to define you today. Right now, this moment, this very moment, before you put this article down, say something that gives homage to who you are and what you’re about. If whatever you say brings a smile to your face or warmth to your inner being, you know you’ve chosen the right words.

We stay silent. We say stupid things. We go from being sensitive, sensible, kind adults to rambling niceties or making downright rude remarks.

Illness, understandably, makes us nervous.

Fortunately, Pogrebin’s book helps us navigate the muddied waters of illness and mortality. It’s packed with practical tips and valuable insights.

Pogrebin was inspired to write the book after observing the varied reactions from her own friends to her breast cancer diagnosis. Some friends misunderstood her needs and acted awkwardly. Others were supportive and compassionate.

In the book, she shares these personal experiences, along with powerful accounts of people offering support to others. She also shares the words of almost 80 of her fellow patients at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. She interviewed these individuals to find out how they really wanted to be treated.

Here’s a snippet from Pogrebin’s book on communicating with a sick friend.

What Not To Say To A Sick Friend

Pogrebin advises against saying phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” and “You need to be strong for your kids.”

Even seemingly positive statements become anything but. For instance, let’s say you’re trying to cheer up a friend who just received a cancer diagnosis. You might say something like, “I know ten women who’ve had breast cancer, and they’re all doing fine” or “My sister had a double mastectomy, and she’s climbing mountains!”

One cancer patient told Pogrebin that these comments were insulting and dismissive. They also didn’t mean anything to her: “Every woman and every cancer is different,” she said.

Another seemingly positive but problematic phrase is “You look great.” According to Pogrebin, when you focus on your friend’s appearance, it can discourage them from telling you how they truly feel; if they don’t look good, they won’t believe anything you say; and if you don’t compliment their appearance in the future, they might assume they look worse.

What To Say To A Sick Friend

Pogrebin stressed the importance of being honest with your sick friends. She also notes that everyone should be able to say these three statements: “Tell me what’s helpful and what’s not;” “Tell me if you want to be alone and when you want company;” and “Tell me what to bring and when to leave.”

In addition to honesty, it’s also important to express empathy and availability. Pogrebin includes a list of seven phrases that sick people want to hear. All of these include empathy or availability or both elements.

• “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
• “Tell me how I can help.”
• “I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “Just give me my marching orders.”
• “That sounds awful; I can’t even imagine the pain.”
• “I’m bringing dinner.”
• “You must be desperate for some quiet time. I’ll take your kids on Saturday.”

The Commandments of Conversing

In her book, Pogrebin features a list of 10 commandments for conversing with sick friends. For instance, she suggests celebrating your friend’s good news and not downplaying their bad news. This doesn’t mean sugarcoating or “slapp[ing] a happyface decal on a grim diagnosis,” she writes. Instead you can say, “Tell me what I can do to make things easier for you — I really want to help.”

Also, treat your friends the same way you always have, but don’t forget their new circumstances. For instance, tease and joke around with them, but “indulge their occasional hissy fits.”

Talk about other things. According to Pogrebin, this helps “speed the journey from the morass of illness to the miracle of the ordinary.”

Similarly, emphasize their skills and talents, which will help them feel valued. This can be anything from asking a poker aficionado for pointers on playing to asking a retired teacher for guidance on college applications for your teen.

Unless you’ve been there, avoid talking about yourself or telling your friend that you understand what they’re going through. Avoid complaining about comparatively small things. (“Don’t tell someone with congestive heart failure that you have a migraine headache, as painful as it may be,” Pogrebin writes.)

Before saying anything, make sure you know the facts of your friend’s sickness and situation. Pogrebin shares the story of one woman who had three friends tell her that they were glad the cancer was caught early. It wasn’t.

Don’t treat your friend like a child or pressure them into being positive. Positive thinking can help people endure tests and treatments, but it’s not a cure. Don’t imply that negative thinking caused or exacerbated their illness. As Pogrebin says, the last thing your friend needs to be doing is blaming themselves.

When thinking about how best to approach a sick friend, Pogrebin quotes Hillel’s famous words: “Do not say unto others what you would not have them say unto you. All the rest is commentary.”

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

Take this all-too-familiar scenario: Mary’s third marriage is coming to an end. She’s depressed and angry at herself for ‘ruining’ another marriage. She tells me that the same thing happened in the last two marriages, which proves that she’s a useless person and terrible wife.

For one, she’s incorrect because she’s globally rating herself as useless, and that’s irrational. Second, she’s taking all the blame, another thinking error. It doesn’t take much questioning to find out that her mother left her father when she was 3 years old, and her father told Mary that her mother left because of her. It was all her fault!

Really? It doesn’t take a genius to see how utterly crazy and untruthful that comment is. Yet, because Mary was told this by a significant authority figure, and was too young to cognitively question the irrationality of that statement, she internalized it. The lie became her truth. It was because of her that her mother left. End of story.

This type of internalized irrational belief can be devastating to a child’s life and growth. Just imagine: You’re 3 years old and you have the power to push a grown woman away from her husband and family. You somehow make it impossible for two adults to support each other. You make it impossible for them to manage a small child. You even have the power to prevent them from asking for help from others, if they so need it. Wow! That’s power.

Now imagine taking that belief into every relationship you go into. As soon as it looks like the other person might be moving away from you, that familiar, irrational belief kicks in. “They absolutely must not leave me. I can’t bear it if they leave me, because it means nobody will ever love me again.”

You’ll probably react one of three ways:

1. Desperately hold on. Beg and promise to do anything the other person wants as long as they stay.
2. Withdraw and let them leave because you know it’s inevitable
3. Go look for a carving knife, because you’re not letting them leave – ever.

None of those solutions will work in the long run. To move on, somebody like Mary needs to understand that her thinking is at error here. The irrational belief she’s cultivated since she was a child is what drives her in all her relationships. It’s unhealthy and destructive.

To change this behavior pattern, she’ll need to uncover that old belief, and figure out a new, healthy way to think. Once she’s done that, and practiced the new rational belief over and over, the next time she starts a relationship she’ll be on stronger footing. It probably will give her an opportunity to make better, informed decisions about her future relationships.

It’s all too easy for a lie to be taken as truth, but it still doesn’t mean it’s true.

You’ve seen the pictures of men and women of the military rushing off planes and buses to greet their spouses and children. The smiles, the tears, the hugs and the fanfare warm the heart and cause tears to flood the eyes.

But what happens after the cameras are put away? What happens after the homecoming festivities are over? Do things go back to pre-deployment state or are they forever changed?

As a clinical psychologist who served in the United States Air Force, and as the spouse of an active duty Marine, I can personally and professionally report that for many, the homecoming is harder than the goodbye.

Military families are strong and resilient. They are masters at organization and pulling oneself up by the proverbial bootstraps. The spouse left behind when the active duty member deploys becomes “the one.” The one who grocery shops, the one who mows the lawn, the one who gets the children ready for their day and the one who puts them to bed, the one who handles calling the plumber and the cable person, who takes care of the laundry, who fixes the flat tire, who kisses the kids’ boo-boos.

The family remaining at home anxiously awaits a 30-second phone call or two minute Facetime session. They obsessively check their email.  They count down the days until they get to once again meet and greet their military loved one, get to witness the fanfare and get to settle back into old routines.

What many do not expect upon homecoming is that old routines are now obsolete. Everyone has fundamentally changed. The military member has been exposed to many life-and-death situations. They have faced a myriad of stressful circumstances. They have closed off part of their emotional abilities in order to get through the deployment.

Meanwhile, the ones who stayed at home have become the one who handles it all. They too have closed off part of their emotional capacity in order to get through the deployment. They have pondered life if their loved ones do not come home. They have experienced a myriad of emotions and stressful situations. They have most likely mastered the most complex of school, work and home schedules.

Pre- and post-deployment briefings discuss the likelihood that becoming reacquainted with loved ones takes time (I distinctly remember one briefing saying 2-3 weeks). They explain the one returning may have trouble sleeping, may appear hypervigilant and may drink to excess to calm down. These briefings (many of which I gave) did not include the fact that when your loved one returns your grocery bill will triple. They did not account for laundry quadrupling. They did not address the process of going from “being the one” to again “being two.” They do not prepare military families for the difficulties in reestablishing bonds and trying to be patient in re-learning one another’s strengths and weaknesses.

They did not account for the mixed feelings of relief your loved one is home, resentment they have a hard time acclimating to being home, and jumping right back into familyhood would be a process … a very long process. Right when you get it to where you want it to be, another deployment happens.

Military families are in a constant state of adjustment. If you, a loved one or friend, find the welcome home is not all it’s cracked up to be, help is available. Military One Source is an excellent resource. Tricare allows for up to eight sessions for military dependents to see a mental health professional without needing a referral.

Many MTFs (military treatment facilities) will authorize the active duty member to be seen off base due to limited availability of service and many prior military providers are now civilians, ready and willing to help. Chaplains and Military Family Life Consultants are available on base. Setting realistic expectations for homecomings will help as well.

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Someone recently asked me about the following:

“My husband has been depressed for months. Now I’m getting depressed, too! Did I catch it from him?”

My answer? Probably. Depression is most certainly contagious.

With that in mind, here are five prominent attributes of depression that make downer moods so easy to catch…

1. The “negative cognitive triad.”

Psychologist Aaron Beck coined the term “negative cognitive triad” to describe three arenas in which depressive thinking is negative. Depressed folks see themselves, others and their futures through dark-colored glasses. For example, Owen was depressed for several months after losing his job. Julie, his wife, felt dragged down by Owen’s constant, negative comments. Owen tried to be more upbeat, but his dialogue was always peppered with self-reproach.

Owen had also become uncharacteristically critical of his wife. As she headed to work feeling good about the way she looked, Owen ended his goodbyes with, “Do you really have to wear so much makeup?” As to his future, Owen would say, “I’m sure I’ll never get another job I love as much as the one I lost.” Eventually, Julie began to agree with him. His bad mood brought her down to his emotional level.

2. Negative energy. 

Just walking into a room where Owen was sitting was enough for Julie to feel her energy level sink. Sometimes she avoided talking to him. Even being in the same room with him seemed to let the air out of her proverbial balloon.

3.  Social isolation.

Owen seldom left the house. When the family was home, he’d stay in his room, alone with the TV.

Soon, Julie followed suit and became a virtual shut-in. Bringing Owen with her to social gatherings was too painful. She could see that their friends, who used to love Owen, now avoided him. His dark cloud must have appeared contagious to them as well.

For years, Julie and Owen exercised together. When it became too difficult for Julie to convince Owen to run with her anymore, Julie also stopped running. Running was once a way for Julie and Owen to stay in touch with their neighbors, who also were runners.Increasingly, Julie felt cut off, depressed at the loss of her old, fun, casual friendships.

3. Learned helplessness. 

Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the depressive phenomenon he labeled “learned helplessness.” When people are seriously depressed, trying to do anything feels overwhelming.

For example, for years, Julie and Owen shared household responsibilities. Eventually, however, Owen seemed to have lost his ability to see what needed to be done and take care of it.  He seldom swept the floor no matter how much food the baby had scattered on it. He’d get up from the dinner table and walk into the TV room as if there were no dishes to be cleared from the table.

With all the work of childcare and keeping up a household falling into her lap, Julie felt overwhelmed and helpless.

4. Dominant-submissive interactions.

An episode of depression is usually triggered by a dominant-submissive interaction, like being criticized or told what to do, or by a decision in which someone submissively gives up on what they wanted.  Owen had known for a while that the hostile relationship he had with his boss was likely to get him fired. One final flare-up did the tric, and Owen was the clear loser.

As Owen’s depression continued, his wife became wary of doing anything that might make it worse. This concern led her to say “Yes” far too often when she really wanted to say “No” — “Yes, I can clean up the kitchen;” “Yes, I’ll cancel our plans to go out with friends.”

Each time Owen and Julie made a decision together where one had to concede something of importance to him/her, more depression was the by-product.

5. It’s treatable. 

The good news is that depression is highly treatable. Psychotherapy, medications or both can make a significant difference. My experience as a therapist has clarified that couples therapy and/or a marriage education program is particularly high-impact for depressed people who are in ongoing relationships. Recovery brings light back into your life. The main goal of all therapy for depression is for internal feelings of empowerment, optimism and positive energy to return, lifting depression’s dark cloud for everyone.

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, an interactive website that teaches the skills for marriage success.

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