I have spent the majority of my life in various states of anger. For the first 30 years, this anger was mainly turned inward because I didn’t have permission to express anger in my home. The retaliation might have killed me. In addition, society had taught me that it was inappropriate for girls to outwardly express anger.
Instead, I just let my anger eat away at me from the inside.
This anger manifested in physical diseases. I was sick most of my childhood and early adulthood.
But it also caused me to hate myself. I had a deep self-hatred which triggered chronic anxiety. There was no way for me to relax and enjoy myself, or even better, create a life of joy and meaning.
There was always an inner voice telling me I wasn’t good enough.