For many, the security of having a job is essential for their well-being. If you know anything about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety and employment are in the second level, just above breathing — so it’s pretty important.

If you are facing the threat of redundancy then I imagine you’re going through many different emotions right now, but there are some things you can do to help you deal with these rumors more easily.

Take my friends, for instance. A few welcome the idea of redundancy and are actively seeking to be made redundant. Others are struggling with the idea, mainly because of their unhealthy thinking about redundancy and how it will ultimately affect them.

It’s important to learn to deal with unknown threats well, otherwise anxiety can become overwhelming. Once that happens, it’s very easy to cause ourselves even more emotional, cognitive, and behavioral problems.

So what can those facing redundancy do?

First, understand that this is a rumor and may not be true. Worrying about something that doesn’t exist or over which you have no control is a waste of time and effort.

Second, check that you are not causing yourself anxiety by creating unhealthy thoughts and putting yourself in a “loss-condition.” That’s when you focus so much on the potential loss that you magnify it and take it to a catastrophic conclusion. For example, a person in a loss-condition might start thinking, “What if I lose my job? I can’t lose my job, that would be awful. What if I don’t find another one and can’t afford to pay my rent? My children won’t be able to go to school and my wife will leave me. I’ll then be alone and homeless on the streets. Oh God, I can’t stand it. This must not happen!”

The problem with creating this loss scenario is that once you think it, your mind will create a visual story of that thought and react accordingly. Your brain will begin to believe that thought is true. The more you think that irrational belief, the quicker your brain will recall that devastating visual and it’ll react to the threat by creating even more anxiety symptoms. Before you know it, you won’t be able to think clearly and cope with the threat or the reality of redundancy.

Essentially, you’ve created a fictitious scenario that your brain believes to be true. You’ll be convinced that this will be your ultimate outcome. This thinking is very dangerous to your health.

Third, while you are focusing on the loss scenario, you are not focused on what you might be able to do to help yourself if the redundancy does become real and does affects you. While you’re becoming more anxious and spending more time thinking about how awful life will be, you could have gotten your resume updated, gotten an idea about the state of your finances, checked out insurance policies to see if you have unemployment payment protection, and so on. (There are many good sites that offer practical advice.)

It’s perfectly healthy to have concerns over being made redundant, because it’s not a small thing. It’s also healthy to be cautious and prepared for the possibility that you may be made redundant. But it’s too easy to let our healthy concerns turn into unhealthy anxiety.

With just a small change in thinking, while rationally assessing the situation, you will be putting yourself in a healthier position to react, and manage any potential loss situation in healthier, more productive ways.

Neuroaesthetics is the relatively recent study of questions such as “Why do we like the things we like?” and “Why do some people find one thing pleasing while others find it appalling?” It has focused on issues such as creativity, visual and motor processing in visual artists and the varying factors involved in creative domains.

Many of these studies have examined music and the neural activity that occurs when we listen to and evaluate what we hear.

Salimpoor and Zatorre (2013) reviewed a number of research studies examining the effects of music on brain activity; in particular activity that relates to the feeling of pleasure. The evidence was clear: not only does music boost our sense of pleasure but there is also a dopamine activity in anticipation to the music that “touches us.”

But that’s where the tricky part lies: this effect is noteworthy only when it is music that we choose, otherwise it does not apply. When the experimenter chose music he or she found to be emotion-inducing, the participants did not experience the desired feeling or the “chills” effect.

Then, the question remains: Why do people get emotional with some songs but not with others? The answer is not clear.

Cultural background, previously reinforced neural activity, subjective interpretations, exposure to certain sequences of sound and many more variables come into play. The notion of subjectivity in evaluating art is something that still requires a lot of exploration.

However, despite the uncertainty regarding why the pleasurable sensation of music is not an absolute and objective process, there is an important point we ought to highlight. The clear message that we can hold onto is that music arouses rewarding emotions, similar to those involved in addictive behaviors that get reinforced over time.

This information, though intuitive to some degree, may be more helpful when discussing the topic of coping skills for symptoms of depression, “emotional numbness” and recovery from chemical dependency.

One of the goals in developing a treatment plan for depressive disorders and substance abuse is to come up with a set of coping skills that can be easily accessed when feeling “as if nothing brings feelings of joy.” Chemically dependent individuals often report that the feeling of numbness and anhedonia can be quickly escaped by using drugs or other sources of immediate gratification.

Of course, the problem is that along with the sense of pleasure comes other unwanted consequences. This is where the findings from these neuroaesthetic studies come into play: When contemplating ways to respond to a decreased sense of pleasure, knowledge about how music can make us feel good comes in handy. Turning to this risk-free way of experiencing pleasure can be incorporated in treatment methodologies for conditions associated with decreased sense of emotional rewards.

Having said that, we have to be careful not to imply that the strong neurological and physical reaction to substances and other addictive behaviors can be reduced and compared to the effect of listening to a David Bowie or Shakira song. However, knowing that music is a highly rewarding experience is a useful reminder when discussing ways to replace destructive habits, or when developing a set of tools that help manage feelings of depression.

Reference

Salimpoor, V.N.; Zatorre, R.J. (2013). Neural interactions that give rise to musical pleasure. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 7, 62-75. doi:10.1037/a0031819

Now, in addition to your original stressor, you’re under more pressure because you’re scrambling to find lost keys, dealing with hurt feelings or frantically reconstructing forgotten projects.

And on top of that, when stressed, our emotions are running rampant. That scramble for the keys is anything but calm and a remark from your mother about that missed phone call can send you deep into guilt.

It’s easy to attribute these lapses in memory and emotional intensity to simple overload. When we’re stressed it’s typically at least in part because we’ve got too much going on and we just don’t have the capacity to keep up with everything.

Scientists have known what common sense tells us — that stress has an impact on memory and emotion.  But it’s not just that we have a lot going on and aren’t paying attention. Stress actually has an impact on how the brain processes information and stores memories. And research over the last several decades has pinpointed changes in certain areas of the brain during times of stress.

Now new research, published in the Journal of Neuroscience builds on previous understanding of the brain. It suggests that dramatic changes that occur in the brain when under stress are linked to our emotions and scattered memory.

Chronic stress affects two important areas of the brain when it comes to memory: the hippocampus and the amygdala.

In this new research, electrical signals in the brain associated with the formation of factual memories weaken while areas in the brain associated with emotion strengthen.

So, according to these researchers, with increasing stress, our brains are wired to discount factual information and to rely heavily on emotional experiences.

“Our findings suggest that the growing dominance of amygdalar activity over the hippocampus during and even after chronic stress may contribute to the enhanced emotional symptoms, alongside impaired cognitive function, seen in stress-related psychiatric disorders,” the researchers suggest.

So when you’re under stress — like when you’ve forgotten that important work document and your boss makes a comment that causes you to turn to jelly inside — keep in mind that your brain is wired to highlight the emotional part of her message. The factual part of the message may be lost altogether, which can leave you both intensely emotional and failing to act on important facts.

– Bosses who seem clueless to your job requirements; colleagues who can’t relate to you (or vice versa); the stress of deadlines and dissatisfaction of being in a job you are not even sure you belong in.

- Family members who throw plans into disarray, disregard you and have you questioning your commitment (as well as your sanity). Perhaps adult siblings who ask for money or come to you for advice, only for you to soon find yourself involved in maddening family triangles, or aunts and uncles who pull you into long-entrenched but silly feuds.

- Then of course there are friends who you would like to shake to knock some sense or self-reflection into.

Get the picture?

How do you cope with the trials and tribulations of being human and having to live and work among others? Laugh it off? (That’s a good element, actually.)

Acceptance, compromise, courage when really required — these are all noble and important and at the far other end of the spectrum from laughter.

But the balm that beats all, for the problems that really plague us interpersonally and professionally, is self-development. Nothing sends challenges packing quicker than a little introspection and self involvement. (No, not narcissistic self involvement.)

All the above-mentioned challenges and more can temporarily vanish, periodically dissipate and just plain lose their grip on what you see as as your life and identity with some sense of self worth. Simply finding ourselves behind the mess that often is the outer world — our chaotic office space, our cluttered family room, our ugly political arenas — can make all that other stuff take the side or back seat that it really should be occupying.

If your life really is a big mess due to situations beyond your control, then you can create an internal space that can stimulate you, be your harbor and even guide your larger path professionally.

What calms you? Woodworking, walks in the woods, gardening, hanging with your dog or cat, playing music, painting, delving into family history, learning another language, exploring new sites? Figure out what is your balm. You’ll probably find your self in the process, and be on the way toward alleviating the messes of life and much more.

What fascinates and passionately motivates you? Maybe it’s one of those items mentioned above as calming agents. Or maybe it’s tinkering with mechanical systems, live theater, jogging, studying the stars, writing poetry, working with youth, coming up with new theories for work challenges, organizing spaces, coordinating people and projects.

What makes you tick is what takes you away from troubles. Go toward it. You will be going toward a larger sense of your life and self.

You may already know what grounds you and what energizes you but apply them far too infrequently in your life. Increase it, if even in small increments.

Surprise may come. Did we forget about all that described dysfunction and trouble? No, it is still there, likely. But you have assigned its place in the larger sense of who you are. By going toward calm and captivating experiences, you’ll be shocked to discover previous personal pain alleviated in the moment, stings of rejection at work or indecision on home matters lessened, the itch quieted of desiring something more but not knowing what in your career. By this new “escape” from the mess, you just may find solutions to those larger matters at play in your life, as well — all by reflecting and acting on your self.

How then later did I come to embrace cognitive behavioral and related therapies that spell out that we are, essentially, just a mess of behaviors (good and bad)?

If you dig into your family dynamic, and maybe establishing relationships with others from equally dysfunctional backgrounds, you are bound to have a change of heart about old Skinner. Maybe there is something to behaviorism after all, and it can jibe with the deeper therapies that ask you to reflect on early places of pain and identity-molding.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is particularly of interest not just to me, but folks trying to come to grasp with certain subsets of mental illness — borderline personality disorder, bipolar and other depressive disorders. But its principles can be significantly farther-reaching than mental illness circles alone.

There are 4 critical components to the DBT methodology. The categorical names alone should conjure hope for those suffering from mental illness symptoms and individuals afflicted with interpersonal issues at home and in workplace: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

Any reader of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, with an introduction by the Dalai Lama, knows that mindfulness is at the core of human attempts to find balance and centeredness in our own body, as well as connection to others. Nothing is more key for individuals with beginner-level trust in family or therapists or slowly-developing insight into dysfunctional ways of relating to colleagues.

Interpersonal effectiveness involves “strategies” — practical, effective means of dealing with thought, mood and behavioral maladjustments. Yes, actual skills are taught, driven by goals for different situations. (Sound like business counsel?) This is invaluable to those with borderline personality disorder, who “possess good interpersonal skills in a general sense” but are unable to have self-insight to get past “problematic situations” when stress hits.

Now, what better need do we have as humans than to develop distress tolerance? It can help us in our workplace, for ill loved ones, and for ourselves when debilitated by depression, addictive thoughts, or the surfacing of manic traits. This is integral to DBT’s beauty. As in Alcoholics Anonymous, where people are encouraged to discern between what can be changed and what can not, distress tolerance skills involve “the ability to accept, in a non-evaluative and non-judgmental fashion, both oneself and the current situation.”

The heart of helping ill individuals and ourselves lies, I believe, in letting this mindset seep in, allowing for gentle, passive strength. (Not to mention that this simple maxim is a behavioral powerhouse when artfully practiced and applied, and can profoundly affect our professional, family and social life.) “Self-soothing” and “pros and cons” work are two tactics in the distress tolerance strategy, one whose benefits to mentally ill family systems can certainly be equally applied to the needy masses of a larger society.

The last outlined DBT component is emotion regulation, so critical to disorders such as bipolar, where emotional intensity and stress make for frequent anxiety. But we all have encountered situations with bosses and friends that contain these elements. How do we identify obstacles and triggers, and then work on changing emotional patterns? And can we increase positive emotional experiences? Like the mouse after his cheese, is it not possible to stack the deck a certain way in families, in the workplace and within the mental health system so that the satisfaction of getting a little more of that nibble — stability, harmony, collaboration — can happen more effectively and more often?

Want to learn more about dialectical behavior therapy?
Follow our blog, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Understood or read the article, An Overview of Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

When we function in a healthy manner, we don’t just experience joy and happiness, prancing around without a care in the world. We actually still experience a range of emotions, some of which can be very difficult to live with.

It’s absolutely healthy to feel anxiety, depression, anger, jealousy, envy, guilt, hurt or shame. But what makes experiencing these emotions healthy is that we don’t linger in them for longer than is good for us. We don’t demand that they ‘go away.’ We accept the appropriateness of how we feel, and do something about our situation.

Let me give you an example of how a person’s thinking can perpetuate depression.

Imagine that your favorite dog was very sick and you took her to the vet, who tells you she’s in a lot of pain and it’s best to euthanize her. How do you think you might feel? Very sad (most likely), guilty (perhaps), happy (to some degree if you know you can stop her suffering). So, do those emotions seem healthy and appropriate to you? Of course they do, and to experience them is human.

Given the choice, you may not have wanted to face that situation in the first place, but we can’t always pick and choose what happens to us in life. We can only choose how we deal with those situations when they arise.

So how could a person drive themselves into depression after such an event? It’s easy. When a person feels sad about a loss or death, if they start taking far too much responsibility for what happened and judging themselves negatively, then depression will be only a short taxi ride away. The kind of thinking that perpetuates depression will be thoughts such as “I’m such a bad person for killing her,” “I should have done more to make her life happy,” “I should have taken her to the vet sooner and I would have saved her.”

None of those statements is wholly true, yet when you repeat them, you start to believe it and you feel depressed. You’ll even start acting depressed. Instead of going out for a walk, which you used to enjoy, you might stay at home watching TV, because ‘there’s no point in going out without your dog.’ You might even stop socializing with other dog walkers and so you’ll become more isolated, which perpetuates the problem.

So from a healthy sadness about the loss of a loved pet, with unhealthy thinking and behavior, your mood sinks into depression. And once there, it is a lot harder to get out of than when you’re healthily sad.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is depression’s opposite. Rather than dwelling on the past, people with anxiety tend to focus on the possible threat in the future, and employ defensive mechanisms against that perceived threat or problem. Let me give you another example.

Frank gives a presentation at work that doesn’t go down well with his boss. Frank gets shouted at and bawled out for not doing a good enough job. His boss also tells him that he must improve before the next presentation or else! How do you think you might feel? Disappointed (sure). Frustrated (maybe). Concerned (oh yeah).

So how does Frank perpetuate his anxiety? The first thing he does is to fly into the future and use ‘what if’ and ‘if…then’ type thinking. “If I deliver another bad presentation, then my boss will fire me.” “What if I can’t do it the way he wants?” “What if I’m terrible?”

These ‘what if’ thoughts are the precursors to the unhealthy demands that lead to anxiety: “I must know that the presentation will go well.” “I must not screw up the presentation or my boss will fire me.” “I must be perfect.”

The trouble with these irrational demands is that they lead to anxious behaviors: spending hours on the presentation; not sleeping; seeking others’ opinions; asking for reassurance; feeling nauseous beforehand; sweating; feeling ill at ease.

Clearly, Frank is not in a good state to be giving a presentation. He’ll most likely deliver a sub-par presentation. What do you think will happen next time he needs to give a presentation? He’ll feel worse.

To end these destructive cycles, we need to understand that emotions — even the difficult ones — are healthy. Emotions should be used as a guide to let us know that something is off-balance and might need changing. When we demand unreasonable things from ourselves, we’re destined to feel strong, unhealthy emotions.

It’s a thin line between healthy and unhealthy emotions, but by understanding how our thinking perpetuates our emotional disturbance, we can become a healthier version of ourselves.

It could be between yourself and a partner, a parent, a co-worker — even a boss, an adult sibling or an annoying someone you run into every day on your way to work. Likely, it is doing something to temporarily boost yourself or the other person in the mix. Ultimately, however, it is not to anyone’s benefit.

Unspoken bargains, these so-called “arrangements,” are those things that rear their heads in times of challenge, chaos, crisis or just haste. They appear out of nowhere and can be maddening, upon first reflection, demanding us to ask ourselves, “why did I say or do that again to this person?”

They tug at us to examine the contracts we have with others for convenience and to lessen pain. But they are ultimately not self-serving or mutually good -– just codependent traps we put into place to attempt to protect ourselves from perhaps doing the right thing.

A worker discovers an unspoken bargain in play when she realizes she’s allowed her colleague to pull less of the load in order to maintain a friendship with the person everyone in the office likes.

A spouse sees he has one, letting his wife get her way because he’s afraid of upsetting her and bringing out her depression.

Even a parent can look the other way while a child falls into trouble with drugs, just so the parent can pursue self-centered interests uninterrupted by dilemma.

There is nothing pretty about unspoken bargains. Some are certainly more benign; others are profoundly disturbing. But they do demand our attention. They allow us to see who we are, what we present to others, and how we cope in the world.

Next time you find yourself looking at the appearance of some strange contract appearing between yourself and another, don’t look away. Stare at the arrangement keeping genuine relating from happening between you. Face down the unspoken bargain that is presenting itself.

And proactively look ahead of time, as well, for where they may be hiding in your life. Always ask yourself what you are doing in the dance between another person, another entity. If it is forthright, it will not “bargain,” or sacrifice your integrity, that of the other person, or the possibility of real communication between you.

As acclaimed psychologist and author Harriet Lerner so aptly writes in her books The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, we must garner the courage to change any detrimental “dance” with another person. And in doing so, we certainly have to look out for counter-moves first. For these habits, odd arrangements and false contracts, these unspoken bargains are challenging to break!. But the steps, the new moves you make for yourself, ultimately will be rewarding.

‘Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!’”
~W. H. Murray

As we ride the planet around the sun, life can sometimes be hard and complicated. We dream of living better lives or achieving great goals. For many, our present lives result from being born into difficult circumstances or surviving tragedies.

No matter where we find ourselves, it is also a result of all the choices we’ve made along the way.

Yet we hear about people who overcame impossible odds to achieve wealth or fame. They’re often tales of being at the right place at the right time, a coincidence, or meeting the right person just when they need to. What’s going on with this? Did the lucky few who made it find Aladdin’s magic lamp that delivered these miracles? How do the rest of us get one of those?

Turns out we all have a magic lamp. It is our unshakeable commitment to achieve our dreams. No matter where we find ourselves, I believe that this commitment is always inside and waiting to be tapped. But how do we tap it? How do we get the genie out of our own magic lamp so miracles happen for us?

I believe success — however each of us defines it — is achieved by following these steps:

1. Choose to commit to your goal or dream.

2. Pursue relentless action aligned to your commitment.
3. Expect and have faith that you will get help along the way.
4. Show sincere gratitude for the help and results.

If this sounds too simple, understand that simple doesn’t mean easy. W.H. Murray, quoted at the beginning of this post, survived 3 years as a German prisoner of war during World War II. During captivity, he wrote a book about mountaineering in the Scottish Highlands. He wrote the first copy on the only paper available, rough toilet paper. The Germans discovered it and destroyed it. To the amazement of his fellow prisoners, he rewrote it despite the risk his captors would find and destroy the second copy. It is the second copy that became famous and inspired international interest in mountaineering.

Read the quote above again. The same message has been said numerous ways over the years: “God helps those that help themselves” or in any number of books written about achieving goals. I won’t speculate why these miracles happen, I just know from experience that they will. I followed the four steps and now have my story to add to those who overcame the odds to achieve incredible dreams.

My book, The Story of Suntrakker, chronicles five inspiring years and the methods I used. I hope it will help you achieve your dream. I share my personal journey from the thunderbolt moment I dared myself to go after my dream, through a wild adventure in the Australian Outback and ultimately into a life and job I love.

If I can do it, you can, too. The secret is commitment, which at heart is a declaration that you believe in yourself.

Over time, pent-up anger and resentment causes tiny problems to become big ones. Anger can become displaced or is expressed in a way that becomes problematic. Many people feel more upset when they realize that they overreact or explode with anger, especially if it causes hurt for themselves or someone else. Thus, it creates the terrible cycle of struggling with anger.

But there is help for anger that doesn’t require you to dig up your past, explore your thoughts, or send letters to a dead loved one. It’s called biofeedback, and it offers individuals readily-learned techniques that are safe and effective (based upon decades’ worth of research).

Unhealthy, inappropriate anger looks like this: You get home from a bad day at work, where everything seems to be going wrong. The house is a mess, and the kids are running around screaming. Your spouse is yelling to you from the kitchen to help.

You explode with a nasty remark about how you were busy working all day, and you do not have time to help. You say something hurtful in regard to your spouse not being a good parent. The kids hear you yell, and your spouse yells back or begins to cry. You then kick one of the toys on the floor and leave the house to go to a bar for a drink to unwind, leaving your family in disarray.

On the other hand, people also can internalize anger and it will manifest in different ways. Internalized anger can cause migraines, stomach problems, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and so on. The body expresses anger in maladaptive ways when people do not express it constructively.

Biofeedback and neurofeedback techniques offer individuals skills in how to effectively manage anger.

People can monitor their physiological responses and thus learn how to gain control over them. Neurofeedback also helps create a stronger connection between the emotional and executive areas of the brain, allowing people to gain a proper “checking” system. Anger is then expressed in a rational, appropriate, and conducive manner. Communication becomes clearer, and others are more likely to respond to your needs.

Children also can internalize anger and carry it with them, or express it with aggressive and problematic behaviors. Biofeedback, with the use of a video game program, helps build a stronger connection between the midbrain (emotional center) and forebrain (executive control center).

Here’s how it works. The child has sensors placed on certain areas of the head to read brain waves such as delta, beta, and hibeta waves. The video game will not advance if he or she is not keeping active and focused (increasing beta waves). If he or she becomes anxious or distracted (hibeta waves), or begins to feel tired or daydream (delta waves), the game will stop.

The child then learns to find the medium where he or she feels a calm focus and is in control of his or her brain functioning. A study conducted at Boston Children’s Hospital showed that the children who received biofeedback therapy had better control over their reactions to daily frustrations than they had prior to receiving the treatment.

“The connections between the brain’s executive control centers and emotional centers are weak in people with severe anger problems,” explains Joseph Gonzalez-Heydrich, chief of psychopharmacology at Boston Children’s and senior investigator of a recent biofeedback study conducted there.

Building a strong connection and balance between the midbrain and forebrain allows a child or adult to gain better control over their emotional responses and behaviors. Aggression and anger are then diffused in a healthy and appropriate manner.

Biofeedback also teaches breathing correctly as a relaxation technique. Breathing deeply through the diaphragm and focusing on each inhale and exhale will clear the mind and allow the frontal brain to keep the midbrain and emotional centers in check. It gives the mind a chance to step back from the situation and view it objectively instead of impulsively reacting off of intense emotions.

Biofeedback is a time- and research-tested technique to help people learn to better control responses that many believe are automatic or uncontrollable. If you or someone you love is having trouble with anger, consider biofeedback as one potential treatment to help with this concern.

Reference

Boston Children’s Hospital. (2012, October 24). Video game with biofeedback teaches children to curb their anger. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/10/121024164731.htm

Did I do everything on my list? Did I pay the cable bill? What’s the due date on that project, again? Work has been so demoralizing lately. But I can’t quit. I’ll never find another job in this economy.

I’m screwed.

It’s this kind of internal racket that hinders sleep for many people night after night. In their book Goodnight Mind: Turn Off Your Noisy Thoughts & Get a Good Night’s Sleep, authors and sleep specialists Colleen E. Carney, Ph.D, and Rachel Manber, Ph.D, delve into the many reasons our minds keep us from sleeping. They provide valuable tips and techniques that address these culprits.

Train Your Brain to Sleep

One reason your mind keeps you up is because you’ve unwittingly trained it to be alert, according to the authors. For instance, they note that if you spend many nights in bed tossing and turning or being upset that you can’t sleep, your bed has become a cue for tossing and turning and being upset.

The key, then, is to make your bed become a cue for sleepiness. The authors suggest readers:

• Avoid napping, because “…you need to associate sleep with only one location (your bed) and one time (your sleep window).” Have a plan for the times you’re most likely to want to nap. For instance, if you fall asleep watching TV, sit up straight or do some light activity like folding laundry.
• Avoid active activities in bed. Again, your bed needs to be associated with sleep only. So don’t text, talk on the phone, play games or watch TV in bed. Regarding sex, it depends on how you feel after. If you feel sleepy after sex, your bedroom is OK. If you feel alert, you could have sex earlier in the day or somewhere else in your home. “Or you may opt to make sex an exception to the rule anyway.”
• Go to bed only when you’re sleepy, which is different from feeling tired or sapped of energy.
• Get up at the same time every day. This can lead to poor sleep in the beginning, but this trains your body clock and eventually when you’re getting up at the same time seven days a week, you’ll start getting sleepy earlier, too.
• If you can’t sleep or you start worrying, get out of bed. Participate in an activity that doesn’t make you more awake, such as reading, knitting or listening to music.

Minimize Worrying

“If you give yourself time earlier in the day to deal with unfinished business, your worries will be less likely to follow you to bed,” write Carney and Manber. They suggest carving out 20 to 30 minutes in the early evening for this exercise. Take a piece of paper, and divide it into two columns. For one column write “Worries or Concerns.” In the second column, write “Next Steps” or “Solutions.”

When you jot down a worry, think of the next steps you can take toward a solution. Then focus on one small step you can take. It’s especially helpful to break down your solutions into a series of small steps so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

Another strategy the authors suggest is occupying your mind with something else. For instance, think about a story (just nothing that’s so exciting it keeps you awake). Focus on the details, such as what the characters are wearing and saying and what the surroundings look like. If a story doesn’t work for you, they also suggest thinking of a hobby, such as golfing or decorating a home (again, just make sure it doesn’t wake you up).

Stop Thinking Like a Poor Sleeper

If you can’t sleep, or you wake up in the middle of the night, instead of getting yourself worked up with negative thoughts like “I won’t be able to sleep all night, I’m screwed,” the authors suggest taking a matter-of-fact approach: “It seems as if my mind is too active to sleep right now. Trying to force sleep is counterproductive; I am going to go to the couch and watch a sitcom.”

Also helpful is to have realistic expectations and accurate beliefs about sleep. For instance, it’s a common belief that you need eight hours of sleep or more per night. Holding onto this belief only makes you feel more anxious when you don’t reach this number. But, in general, sleep quality is more important than quantity.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s also normal to spend up to 30 minutes trying to fall asleep or being awake in the middle of the night.

Practice Mindfulness

Worrying involves focusing on the future. That’s where mindfulness can be incredibly helpful: It helps us focus on the present. For instance, start with focusing your senses on your surroundings. What do you see? What do you hear? How does the temperature feel on your skin?

You also can use mindfulness to observe your thoughts, especially if your mind is always buzzing, and you feel trapped by their thoughts. Carney and Manber suggest the following exercise:

When a thought comes to mind, simply notice it and imagine the words of the thought being written on a leaf. Imagine placing the leaf on a stream and watching it float away until it disappears around a bend. Here comes another thought (leaf). Notice it. Notice the words on the leaf as it floats away. If you notice any negative emotion, accept that it is there; notice it without judgment; gently turn your attention to observing your thoughts once more. Do this as often as necessary; that is, whenever you notice yourself distracted, refocus your attention. If critical thoughts about how this exercise is unfolding arise, put those on leaves too and set them adrift.

Quieting your mind takes practice. The above tips can help.

You are wonderful, fantastic, downright spectacular. No? You don’t think so?

Every day I hear people put themselves down. They curse themselves for being stupid, a failure, or weak. My answer to them is always the same — sure. But let’s be clear what we’re talking about. You, the totality of you, is not stupid. The whole of you is not a failure. Your entire being is not weak.

Oh, it’s true that you may fail at certain tasks. You may act stupidly, and do dumb things. You may also show weakness in the face of difficulties. But these are things that you do, not who you are.

And by making this simple but important distinction — the things that you do versus who you are — you are taking a big step toward being a happier, healthier you.

The problem of rating the totality of yourself as good or bad, rather than rating your actions, or behaviors, is that you are setting yourself up to be an emotional mess.

When we make the mistake of rating ourselves as good or bad, we feel miserable for not thinking we’re good enough. Or, when we rate ourselves as good, we run the risk of setting ourselves up to feel bad when we fail at something. Either way, we’re in trouble.

Humans cannot be all good or all bad. So rating yourself this way is totally irrational. Learn to let go of this old rating system and you will feel better about yourself.

Today you may screw up that report for your boss. You may forget to wish your wife a happy anniversary, and you may act selfishly and somebody else might feel hurt. But that makes you human, as human as anyone else. For all those things that you do that may not be so great, there will be a million things that you do that are stunning. Yet most of those actions you won’t even recognize, or remember, as they’re automatic.

Yes, you are a flawed human being — but you are also amazing for it, not despite it.

One of those things was eat ice cream. A lot. So I gained a few pounds. It was time to buy new pants anyway. The only important thing was that my medicine was working and I was feeling good. I felt like participating in my life again. Feeling good and eating ice cream were natural.

But then I broke the couch.

Maybe it was a coincidence that I was the one whose bottom touched the couch and made it go POP and collapse. But it had occurred to me, in that moment I felt the couch break underneath me, that I had gained a lot of weight. And that was enough to tell me that all this weight gain was starting to bother me.

I finally realized that as my mood had gone up, so had my weight; maybe my medicine came with a trade-off. I’d never had a medicine that made me gain weight before or gave me cravings that led to weight gain. But here I was.

I’d always told people in the same situation that it didn’t matter if they gained weight. Obviously mental health is more important than gaining a few pounds.

But is there a line that can get crossed, where weight gain can make the scales tip in favor of switching meds? What’s the number? 15 pounds? 25 pounds? 30 pounds? 50 pounds? In what span of time? One month, three months, a year? What is OK and not OK?

Mental health is most important, but at what point does weight gain also affect health? It affects physical health, like blood pressure and risk factors that come with obesity (I am now technically obese), but I’m not even talking about the physical drawbacks of weight gain. What I’m irrationally worried about is the emotional toll that weight gain can cause.

I’m not satisfied with what the medicine is doing with my body. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like myself when I was pregnant, only without a baby, meaning I feel too big and tired and slow. That is affecting my mental health. Not in a serious, clinical way. But in a way that is still real.

Still, I would never stop a drug that’s working in favor of nothing, or one that didn’t work, to be able to lose weight. I’ve been in the dark hole that depression is, and there’s no way I would jeopardize my own quality of life or my family’s with my vanity. But it’s a little tempting, when I’m still on my meds and they’re working well, but there’s just this one side effect…. And I think, maybe I could stop. But I wouldn’t just stop; I would switch to something else, after talking with my doctor like I should. I’m more vain than I realized, but I’m also even more terrified of falling into depression again.

One of the most disconcerting things is the feeling that I don’t have power over my body. Even when I eat well, and exercise, and sweat off what feels like pounds of water, it turns out I have actually gained weight. I haven’t lost a single pound since I started my medicine several months ago. That unsettles me and makes me feel a tiny bit like I do in a depressed state: I am not in control of my body.

This doesn’t cause me to lose hope in general, to think that there won’t be a better time. But it does cause me to lose confidence in myself. I’m already on shaky ground, living with mental illness. Will I feel good today or bad? How am I feeling? But now, I add, How do I look? How much have I gained? to the daily evaluations. I can’t always depend on my mind; now I can’t depend on my body.

Having a mental illness throws new challenges at me at every turn. Even when I feel well, it still reminds me of its presence, in this case, through these extra pounds clinging to me. I believe that there might be side effects and trade-offs to medication, but I also believe they saved my life, or at least saved the quality of my life, and that it’s worth it. And I believe the perfect medication might be out there, waiting to still be discovered for me.

Maybe I’ll always have to make the decision between effective medicine and side effects like weight gain. But I have hope that someday I won’t have to.

In my 20 years living in the Boston area, I cheered on the runners on many occasions and now, even from far way, these events feel close to home.

Experiencing trauma can have a dramatic effect on our bodies and our minds.  And although it’s a different experience to witness a trauma on television, it still can affect us.

When you perceive a threat, the body activates the stress response. The stress response occurs in both your body and brain.

The body’s response to acute stress is a preparation for emergency.  Adrenaline and other hormones are released.  The body shuts down processes associated with long-term care.  When under immediate threat, digestion, reproduction, cell repair and other body tasks related to long-term functioning are unimportant.

Of immediate importance is survival.  Increased blood sugar can provide extra energy for muscles. Increases in cortisol counter pain and inflammation. Blood pressure increases. Blood is diverted from our extremities to our major muscles to provide us with extra strength. Increased endorphins can help us ignore physical pain.

You can see the effects of these changes to the body in many of the symptoms of stress, such as racing heart, dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, shaking, feeling hot and flushed, and sweating.

But it is the impact of trauma on the mind that is often the most disturbing.  Traumatic events can leave us feeling unsafe.  They can disrupt our beliefs and assumptions about the world. Your sense of your ability to control your life may be shattered. You may question how much influence you have over your life and your life choices.

A trauma, such as the one the occurred at the Boston Marathon, can leave us distrustful of other people.  You may question your basic trust of other people in the world.  Trauma can affect your ability to be intimate with others and may impact your feelings of self-worth.  Those who survive the trauma often feel guilt and wonder why they lived when others were less fortunate.

As we grow, change and have varied experiences throughout life, our beliefs and assumptions typically evolve over time.  With trauma, those beliefs and assumptions that we use to make sense of the world around us change nearly instantaneously.

It’s common to experience a wide range of psychological symptoms, including intrusive thoughts, worry, difficulty sleeping, trouble focusing, bouts of crying, blame or self-judgment and lack of satisfaction.

The effects of trauma also can cause intense emotion, including extreme emotional fluctuations, unhappiness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and irritability.

Multiple traumas or repeatedly being exposed to life-threatening events can have a further impact on your body and mind. Parts of the brain can become sensitized, causing you to be on high alert and to perceive threats all around, leaving you jumpy and anxious.

Other parts of the brain associated with memory can actually shrink, making it difficult to consolidate and form new memories.  Prolonged stress can effect the development of a number of health issues, including diabetes, obesity and hypertension. And repetitive stress affects our moods, brings on anxiety disorders, and affects our experience of chronic pain and our ability to control food intake.

But when horrible events occur, such as those that occurred at the 2013 Boston Marathon, we also see the generosity and caring that is a large part of human nature.

Countless individuals ran to help without a second thought.  First responders, medics, EMTs and even bystanders jumped into action to do what they could to save lives.  Runners crossed the finish line and kept on running straight to give blood.

As we deal with the impact of violence, we can also keep in our minds the heroes and the strength of the human spirit that brings us together when we are faced with senseless tragedy.

Image: Wikimedia Commons: Aaron “tango” Tang

This is one of those studies that take a moment to get your mind around.

Imagine you are an itinerant individual living in absolute penury in a third-world country. You survive by going through other people’s garbage and extracting your food for the day as well as other essentials like clothing and footwear. You live your life hand to mouth and what your hand finds are the things others have discarded. You recycle what you can for money, and this considerable effort earns you about $3 a day.

By downward social comparison, almost anyone seeing a person living in these conditions would assume the individuals engaged in this activity would resent their life circumstance and view their life as anything but happy.

But this study shows this is a false assumption.

Not only are these people not depressed, they are optimistic, have good relationships, and many of them play sports and read. The majority of them are happy with their lives.

Extreme poverty is considered to have a negative effect on happiness. In those instances, when poor people are happy, it is attributed either to their having very low future expectations or having adapted to their circumstances. But this study showed something different. Overall these rubbish collectors’ attitude is better about their future than their present. They believe their tomorrow will be better than today.

Research has shown that being a consumer of material goods does not in and of itself make us happy. What does increase our well-being and happiness is more leisure time and activities, support and connection with family, and being involved in good relationships. We are social creatures first and foremost. The desire to belong and identify with others is woven into our wiring as human beings. Everything from our health to our happiness improves when our social relations improve.

This is also true when we are involved in meaningful work — particularly work where we have an opportunity to develop our abilities, work toward objectives, have supervisory support, feel safe, and get status from the work we do. But these are hardly the conditions for rubbish collectors. Trash pickers are exposed to health problems, violence, and severe social stigmatization. This is despite the fact that the work they do provides a benefit to society. Recycling problems around the world are ubiquitous and trash pickers render a service that is both environmentally useful and economically practical. Still, this group is typically marginalized by society.

Yet the trash collectors of León are a resilient group and this study sheds some light on the relationship between income and happiness. Rather than any connection to income, the research found that the key to feeling happy is having a positive expectation for the future. Of those who rated themselves as happy, more than twice as many trash collectors could see brighter futures for themselves than their less optimistic counterparts. Additionally, men were happier than women, as were those who lived with fewer people.

But what about having enough food?

The pioneering work of Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs proposed that we must have lower needs satisfied before having higher needs met. He argued we need to have our physiological needs met (things like food, water and sleep) before concerning ourselves with safety and security needs — and that these have to be satisfied before we move toward our need to be loved, esteemed, and eventually self-actualized.

The current research shows that having enough food is, indeed, a significant factor in whether an individual ranks himself as happy. Almost 90 percent of the trash collectors who rated themselves as happy had enough food to eat during the last month. This was a statistically significant finding in the study and would seem to be an indication that Maslow was right.

But in the article Vazquez points out an interesting fact: While not statistically significant, more than 70 percent of those who did not have enough to eat still rated themselves as happy. These individuals did not have the most basic ability to find enough food to feed themselves properly the month prior to the rating. This means that in spite of hunger, optimism and relationship may be more satisfying than knowing where our next meal is coming from. Socrates could have been talking about the trash collectors of León when he said: “Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.”

What can we learn from the stigmatized, impoverished, yet resilient trash pickers of León? We discover that optimism about tomorrow is important to us today; that good relationships are better than money in the bank; and that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs may not always be true.

In the words of Vazquez we come to find: “… the majority of the collectors are happy, and are convinced that they can achieve a better quality of life in the future with hard work and perseverance.”

In other words — like many of us.

Reference

Vázquez, J.J. (2013) Happiness among the garbage: Differences in overall happiness among trash pickers in León (Nicaragua), The Journal of Positive Psychology, Vol. 8, No. 1, 1–11. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2012.743574

Mindfulness meditation is currently all the rage, and it works. But I am wary of its proponents who claim it can treat (or even cure) mental illness by itself.

Meditation is a powerful tool when used to decrease stress and increase well-being. But if we are to maintain that mental illnesses are biochemical malfunctions of the brain and nervous system, then we must allow room in treatment for medicine. Therapy also has a long history of positive impact on the lives of those challenged by psychiatric disease. Meditation, when added to more traditional and well-tested methods of treatment, can help a patient successfully manage a challenging life. I, and so many others like me, am proof of that.

I am sure that there are people who face serious mental illness well using only meditation. Dan Siegel writes of one teenager who manages bipolar disorder with meditation alone in his excellent book Mindsight.

But the popularization of such case studies may lead people to stop taking medication and pick up meditation in a hope to finally be done with meds. Anyone who hopes for this and changes his own medication regimen without proper medical oversight is asking for relapse and worse.

Another book on the benefits of meditation, Transcendence, by Norman E. Rosenthal, clearly states that meditation for mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia should only be administered in conjunction with medication and therapy and should be monitored by a physician. I believe this more balanced view will help more people manage the symptoms of mental illness successfully.

Since I have become a disciplined meditator I have had little difficulty with my bipolar disorder. It is only natural to wonder if I could manage as well if I continued to meditate and came off the drugs. In fact, it is very tempting.

But my doctor advises me not to and, after much reflection and concern for my family, I agree. Just as I couldn’t manage this well without the meditation, much research evidence supports the idea that I couldn’t manage without the medication either. I’m not willing to take the chance.

Every person with mental illness to whom I have taught meditation has asked me if I think serious mental illness can be cured. At this point, with what science has discovered, I don’t. But it can be managed, and managed well, if meditation is added to the medical model of drugs and therapy.

Just as the person with diabetes will take insulin indefinitely, I must continue to take my medicine. And just as one with diabetes must adopt a healthy lifestyle to best complement her medication, the person with mental illness must as well. What I am sure of is that meditation is one of the best complements available.