You’ve probably heard the term, “mindfulness” a million times. If not on this site then from a friend, on TV or in a magazine. It’s a buzzword that has been spoken by your neighbor and Oprah. But what does it mean and how does it apply to real life?

I was watching an old Oprah show recently where she talks to Seat of the Soul author Gary Zukov. Although they were discussing relationships, he said something I thought could be applied to everyone, single or in coupledom. Instead of blaming or holding someone responsible when you are upset or hurt, he said to work on finding out what’s making you feel this way. Learning to focus on yourself can help you grow as a person, enrich your relationships and change your life. What does this have to do with mindfulness?

Instead of checking out when things get hard or running through your to-do list when you’re with others, mindfulness requires you to pay attention. And in paying attention, you may discover the difficult moments you’ve been trying to hide. When faced with your own stuff, you may learn that you’ve got a lot of inner work to do. Being mindful opens you up to the bad as well as the beautiful moments you might otherwise miss. Read our posts below and you’ll find that mindfulness is a surprising way to empower yourself and truly live your life.

{Etsy print by groundwork}

What does it mean to honor yourself? Does self-care and prioritizing your needs equate with being selfish?

In the heat of an argument, I’ve been called selfish. Instead of arguing the time I spend giving to others, the money I spend donating to nonprofit organizations, I simply said, “Yes. Yes I can be.” I didn’t mean it in a sarcastic way. Truthfully, there are moments when I am selfish, when my own needs are taken into consideration before I think of others. It happens when I pass down a party because I’m too tired or limit my time with a critical relative in order to be kind to myself. While I don’t identify as being a selfish person, I understand the importance of self-preservation. When I am happy, I am kinder, more patient and generous to others. I have more to give when I am not depleted. And I am more apt to take part in acts of selflessness. Funny how that works isn’t it?

That doesn’t mean it’s an easy thing to do. Along with prioritizing your own needs, you may feel episodes of overwhelming guilt. You may be sick and need to rest. Yet, a lifetime of being taught to put others needs above your own pushes you to take on more responsibilities than you can manage.

To live a happier and healthier life, you need to understand and accept who you are and then have the courage to do what’s necessary to care for yourself. Whether you have ADHD, are depressed, stressed or highly sensitive, the following posts will give you new ways of taking care of and honoring your own needs so you can better help others too.

{Flickr photo by allisoncrow}

Perfectionism requires you to buy into the belief that imperfect beings can be, live and achieve perfection. It’s an idealistic philosophy, but one many cultures subscribe to. Why? The idea that we can be perfect feels good on a superficial level and it satisfies an inherent longing on a deeper one.

There is a desire in all of us to love and be loved. And if you received the message as a child that you were not “good enough” because of the way you look, acted, felt or behaved, you may be continuously searching for validation. You may be seeking it through perfectionism.

Research professor, author, and public speaker Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW recently sat down with Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Sunday and said the following about perfectionism:

“Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving…it’s a cognitive-behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize, shame, blame and judgment.’”

The alternative to hiding behind your fears is to confront them. What if you’re not quite ready to do that? These posts will help you address and become aware of what’s scaring you from anxiety to failure and everything in between. Read it and it may put perfection in its place.You will find that the path toward happiness doesn’t lie in perfection, but in learning to love and accept yourself and your life, perfectly imperfectly as it is.

{Flickr photo by Andy Solo}

It’s so easy to get sucked into mind traps. If I have any regrets in life, it’s all the time I wasted analyzing and pondering potential negative situations that never arose. It’s believing the untruths about myself from people who are untrustworthy, who don’t have my best interest at heart or who are incapable of kindness because they haven’t learned how to be kind to themselves.

It’s exhausting pleasing others, resisting what is instead of practicing acceptance, wanting what I don’t have instead of being grateful for what I have. But it’s also a constant battle to trust my instincts and let go. To allow the gifts of life to be unwrapped in its own time instead of avoiding the presence for the presents I desire now.

It’s moments of distress, when I’m upset, envious, ungrateful that silence plays its biggest role. When waves of overwhelm threaten to defeat your inner sanctum, use it to determine what’s really bugging you, to calm what ails you, to listen to your inner truths. When we awaken to what’s already within us, we find a strength and courage we didn’t know we had. We realize a storm in front of us could be a powerless ripple. When allowed to take its course, whatever is difficult will eventually subside. Being mindful of how we’re worsening our situation by “should”-ing on everything, avoiding, complaining, or wishing things would be a certain way, will lift the veil that’s clouding our happiness.

If you’re in need of a wake up call, read our top posts this week. It’s a much-needed reminder about the importance of appreciating, accepting and acknowledging what’s working in your life.

{Flickr photo by My Silent Side}

I’ve often caught myself getting angry or upset with others, feeling imprisoned by their words, and haunted by their intentions. But rarely do I see my part in this dramatic play.

If you’ve ever caught yourself complaining about life, ranting about a co-worker or consumed by thoughts of a friend, you might also be unintentionally relinquishing your power to another.

I think we do it as a way to defend our seemingly broken selves. It’s an exercise of self-protection, an automatic response to a past injury and a way to right what’s wrong. But we don’t realize that unconscious reactions to the past end up recreating problems in the present. The only way to heal a hurt is to confront it, acknowledge its hold on our hearts and let go into it instead of hardening our hearts against it.

In The Book of Awakening, author Mark Nepo says:

“As human beings, our distrust builds a hardened resolve over our innocence, the way that silver tarnishes when exposed to air. Only the quiet, daily courage to be can let the air soften our hearts again.”

Food, sleep, and finances are all basic necessities we need to survive in this world. But knowing how to survive loss or lovingly accept a compliment are all important tools to live your life. How do you meet all issues with grace, courage and resilience? Our posts show us how accepting not resisting what is, will get you closer to health, balance and love.

{Flickr photo by petalouda62}

I used to have a friend who often neglected herself. She put other people’s needs first. She gave up her time and energy not because she was selfless, but because of what would happen if she stopped her people-pleasing ways. That friend was me.

I think a lot of us give out of obligation. We were brought up to be humble, generous, and self-serving. Our culture supported it. Our families insisted on it. And for a long time we subscribe to it because it feels good to be known as the giver, the self-sacrificer, the helpful one. But what I’ve discovered over time is that consistently burying your needs so that you can focus on the needs of others leaves you resentful. You learn to distrust yourself. Any positive effects from helping loved ones begin to wane as self-doubt grows stronger. “How much can someone really love me if they don’t even know who I am?” you think to yourself.

Over time you may begin to lose yourself. You forget that your existence doesn’t depend on pleasing others. You lose sight of why you’re giving in the first place. To truly give is a gift that benefits both the giver and receiver. Giving out of obligation or fear, on the other hand, is emotionally depleting and self-serving. If you’re struggling with giving too much, you might be grappling with self-esteem issues or just need a wake up call to start taking better care of yourself. This week our posts will give you the tools for self-healing whether your issues originate from a bad day or an unhealthy pattern of living.

{Flickr photo by: Frank McMains}

I was speaking with a friend the other day and I was reminded that words, even illogical ones, has the potential to raise you up or spiral you down. It doesn’t matter where you came from, your family background or the societal rules that you grew up in. Every culture subscribes to rules of living that has the potential to isolate and dismiss certain individuals for being different. In some cultures, it’s being too fair or dark, in others its being too loud or too soft. We could make ourselves crazy trying hard to please everybody while our own voice gets increasingly drowned out by the crowd.

It’s the same with inner thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or, “My relationship is doomed.” The things we tell ourselves feel like waves of hurt. Most of us aren’t even aware of how influential our thoughts are. By the end of the day, we’re worn out, exhaustive, and emotionally beat up because we’ve been listening to them play and replay over and over again.

By that same token, words especially the compassionate ones, have the power to lift us up. It’s telling ourselves that it’s okay to not get things perfect. It’s learning to be comfortable in discomfort. That means your life doesn’t have to be perfect, your skin/hair/eye color doesn’t have to be the “right” shade, your relationship doesn’t have to play out like a romantic comedy. You can be perfectly imperfectly you and still love and enjoy your life. How do you get there if you’re not quite there yet? These posts will help you on the road toward greater acceptance.

{Flickr photo by Dale Chumbley}

I caught the film Ruby Sparks on the airplane recently. A light comedy it was not. Instead, a movie about a young novelist named Calvin who brings his protagonist to life turns eerie. In my perspective it also brought to light the deep (often unconscious) issues we all grapple with.

What seems like a dream scenario, creating your own perfect mate (or life) actually doesn’t provide the type of satisfaction we’d think. As we learn through Calvin’s character, a truly flawless situation will highlight your flaws. For example, we learn through his relationship with this “perfect” partner that he needs to control and be constantly validated, and we learn for the first time that under the veil of shyness, Calvin is incredibly narcissistic.

While perfect situations like these don’t exist in real life, we can learn a lot from this movie. The monsters we’re most afraid of aren’t hiding in our closets. They’re the hidden aspects of ourselves we’re afraid to acknowledge and confront. Maybe your monster isn’t narcissism, but anxiety, depression or mania. Maybe you’re fearful of being judged or rejected. Maybe you hide behind a mask to keep what you’re scared of at a distance, but in doing so you’re also keeping away your life. If so, these posts will help you to not only understand your fears and anxiety better, it may also help you get through it.

{Flickr photo by Mari Z.}

When You Feel Helpless

As children, we feel helpless because we essentially are. As adults, we expect to rise above our former vulnerabilities because our physical and emotional limitations seem to melt away as we age. Maybe that’s why unexpected challenges can easily overwhelm us. We forget that life isn’t supposed to be easy. That the role of pain is to help us grow.

When we’re kids all we want to do is to grow up. We want to order from the adult menu, stay up late, and do all the fun things adults can do. But as adults all we want is to return to innocence, to not be responsible, to truly enjoy whatever moment we’re in.

What we can learn from both stages of growth is that children are not immune to difficulty and adults are not superheroes. No one can escape from challenges. Children get stressed and you’re not automatically equipped to handle everything you’re given. But as an adult, you do have the ability to manage what comes your way. If you or your loved ones are enduring stress and you’re feeling helpless and unable to cope, these top posts will provide you with the resources, information and courage you need to get through it.

{Flickr photo by: stanjourdan}

The Temptation to Stay Where You Are

The desire to stay where you are (even if where you are is stuck, unhappy, or upset) can be great. The temptation to hold on may be so powerful in fact, that you might find the biggest obstacle to your own happiness is yourself.

Why would anyone choose to stay stuck when the alternative, to be happy, free, or safe, is so much better?

Some of us stay where we are because we’re afraid of what we don’t know. It’s much easier to deal with the demons we know than to venture out into the world full of scary unknowns.

Some of us stay stuck because we don’t know any better. Maybe in this moment, you’re doing the best that you can. To get out from where you are, you need resources, support, and help to move on.

Some of us get stuck because we’re caught up in the idea of happiness-the belief that things have to be a certain way or we need to have certain things in order to be happy.

Some of us stay because we’re scared about what others will think or feel incapable of change.

If any of these statements sound like you, our posts this week may get you off the hamster wheel of fear and onto your life.

{Flickr photo by: Trey Ratcliff}

As children, we work on growing into who we are. It’s difficult to hide our feelings, curb our hunger or disguise our weaknesses. When we are hungry, tired, or scared, we let out a cry in the hopes that our needs will get met. But as we get older, we learn what rejection feels like. Out of fear, we quietly curl up into ourselves. As a result, who we are gets buried under socially acceptable behavior.

It’s scary to release and express our unlovable parts. But if we allow ourselves the freedom to do so we invite love. The Book of Awakening author Mark Nepo beautifully depicts the journey of finding our true selves:

“When we bring up what we keep inside, it is sacred and scary, and the rest of us don’t know if we want to touch or not, like reaching from a ladder into a nest of baby birds. It’s too soft and sacrilegious. It seems a place where human hands do not belong. But I invite you anyway. Go on-let others reach in honestly-so we can say, ‘This is who I am when no one’s looking.’ For each of us is a fledgling that eventually, if fed, will fly.”

It is a risk to let the world know how you feel, to show your vulnerable side, to open what’s been closed for so long. But it’s also a risk not to do so. At one time, my greatest fear was that I would die without a single soul knowing truly who I was. To me, that is the greatest tragedy-not whether this person will dislike you or that person will judge you, but that no one would have the honor and privilege of knowing and loving you just as you are.

{Flickr photo by Roger Lynn}

We all go through pain, difficulty and tragedy in our lives. But not all of us suffer from them. The difference is dependent on our choices. It’s our thoughts and beliefs about what we’re going through that can lessen or worsen our pain. It’s one of the reasons why you and a neighbor could go through the same exact thing and have entirely different experiences. And it explains why individuals who have twice as much problems as someone else seem healthier. They’ve learned to accept, adjust and learn from the challenges they face instead of fight against them.

Although we revere and envy individuals with lives that seem perfect, it’s those who struggle and successfully learn to cope with the hand their given that are strongest. They may not be perfect or seem perfect, but those who can identify their own struggles, learn to accept and work on it are much better off than those who avoid addressing their problems. If you are one are one of these survivors, (individuals who are proud to be a work-in-progress) you will find your tribe in our posts below.

{Flickr photo by Jay from Norway}