Anger Articles

Responsibility in Relationships: Stop Playing the Blame Game

Saturday, May 3rd, 2014

What Role do Sibling Struggles Play in Adult Relationships?

I often find it valuable to take commonplace sayings, or “rules” and, rather than just accept them at face value, “take them for a ride” to see if they ring true.

Most of us have heard the saying, “Others only treat you the way you allow them to.” The hard part about owning this belief is that we have to face the possibility that we are truly responsible for our relationships.

While it is my experience that this is true, it is also my experience that most of us would far rather rely on our “default” setting of blame. I recently had a situation that brought this saying into the realm of truth for me.

A Tale of Two Defiers

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

A Tale of Two DefiersShelley, a college sophomore, is an actively aggressive defier. She prides herself on being a fiercely independent person who doesn’t need or want anyone to tell her what to do. She often resorts to fighting words in her verbal outbursts:

– “How could he give me such a crappy grade?”

– “He’s tormenting me with that ridiculous assignment!”

– “Doesn’t she know I have better things to do with my time?”

It’s not just her words that display her defiance; it’s also her actions. She feels no guilt about petty acts of defiance, like returning library books late, ignoring due dates for essays, and refusing to pay parking tickets.

The Best Ways to Navigate Conflict

Thursday, April 24th, 2014

The Best Ways to Navigate Conflict“Wherever you have two people with different needs and expectations — and, so, basically, wherever you have two people — you have the potential for conflict,” according to Meredith Richardson, Esq., a mediator, conflict coach and trainer who creates retreats that help partners be their best selves.

She believes conflict gets a bad rap in our culture. While conflict is uncomfortable, it’s perfectly normal, she said. Of course, resolving conflict can be tricky. It’s especially tough when one person — or both — is convinced they’re right, Richardson said.

A Mindful Practice to Fully Feel Your Anger

Saturday, April 5th, 2014

A Mindful Practice to Fully Feel Your AngerEarly in her practice, psychotherapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, M.F.T, found that the clients she was seeing were able to talk about their anger. They used popular techniques such as “I” statements. They were able to articulate when they felt angry.

And, yet, their anger wasn’t dissipating. Communicating their anger wasn’t the problem. The problem was their inability to fully feel that anger.

Being Authentic, Not Obnoxious

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

Do you know people who pride themselves on being authentic, yet when you walk away from them, you feel badly about yourself and the interaction? Perhaps they’re angry, accusatory, blaming, and shaming, yet they have no clue how they’ve hurt you.

“I tell it like it is,” they proudly declare. “I say exactly what I think. You want me to be honest, right?”

The Mother Who Never Was

Saturday, March 15th, 2014

The Mother Who Never WasI don’t write about my mother often. Of all my dysfunctional childhood relationships, my experience with my mother is the most painful.

I believe that small children have a disproportionate need for the feminine nurturing energy. When it’s not available, I think the pain runs deeper.

I am not suggesting that fathers are not needed. They are desperately needed. And their interactions with their children are critical to shaping that child’s future belief systems and relationships.

But for me, the lack of nurturing maternal energy seemed to leave a deeper mark.

When You Lose Your Patience: Sitting on a Ticking Time Bomb

Friday, February 28th, 2014

When You Lose Your Patience: Sitting on a Ticking Time BombIt’s often believed that a major uproar between husband and wife must be triggered by a huge act of betrayal. “You did what?! How could you?!” However, this is not the typical scenario.

More often, a major uproar is triggered by someone sitting on a ticking time bomb of emotions. “You left a mess and expected me to clean it up again?” “I told you it’s important that we leave on time; aren’t you ready yet???”

A ticking time bomb detonates with only the slightest provocation. It may appear to come from nowhere, but if you’d been aware of the bubbles brewing underneath the surface, you’d understand the reaction.

Fearful & Frozen: Why Victims Don’t Act to Stop Bullying

Thursday, February 20th, 2014

Fearful And Frozen: Why Victims Don’t Act to Stop BullyingOn January 1, 2014 in Australia, anti-bullying legislation was introduced. Workers now can apply to to the Fair Work Commission (FWC) for an order to stop the bullying. Once an application has been received, the FWC has two weeks to investigate the complaint.

Legislators expected an overwhelming demand: Bullying affects over 30 percent — more than 3 million — Australian workers and costs the economy between $6 billion and $36 billion dollars a year.

It seemed reasonable to expect that applications should have numbered in the thousands by now when results from a parliamentary inquiry in 2012-13 showed that workers’ most desired outcome was that they just wanted the bullying to stop.

However, only 44 applications have been received so far in 2014, six of which were withdrawn. Why?

Beware of She-Wolves

Tuesday, February 11th, 2014

Beware of She-Wolves

A woman becomes a she-wolf out of necessity to survive in the relational jungle of life. She feels that there is no other way to make it through life successfully.

These women are not born that way and may have once been among the kindest of women. It took one or more major wounds to make her vicious.

Anyone who has dealt with a wounded, bitter, and angry woman knows quite well how much harm she can inflict, especially to men.

This is a she-wolf.

How Not to Talk to (or Argue with) Your Spouse

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

How Not to Talk to (or Argue with) Your SpouseRemember the saying “Don’t go to bed angry”? Well, yesterday I did just that, while he did not come to bed at all.

Falling asleep was an effort. My body was charged by adrenaline and my brain busily counted reasons why, during our argument, I was right.

I was determined to regroup overnight and progress our wicked discussion until his proclamation of defeat. Letting go felt like a sign of neglect.

In the morning I woke up hollow-eyed and drained. My anger was no longer intense but wobbly. But it did not go away completely, making it tempting to give him another run on the ways he had wronged me the day before. Just one more time, with greater resolve and firmness.

Navigating Relationships & Abandonment Fears: Losing Others, Losing Me

Sunday, January 12th, 2014

Navigating Relationships & Abandonment Fears: Losing Others, Losing MeAs I have struggled through some very dark days of trauma recovery, I have come to understand some universal laws that have helped make sense of my chaotic life. The most basic law is that the inner child will recreate the challenges of the childhood until the challenges are resolved. To the inner child, the perception of resolution may be very different from the adult’s logical brain.

But I have learned that the resolution can come in many forms.

For a sexual violence survivor, this law holds no more true than when navigating adult intimate relationships. Sometimes, this law is referred to as “women will always marry their father.”

But it manifests in other ways too. It would be easy to address if it weren’t happening unconsciously. Unfortunately, we rarely know we are recreating our childhood. In the case of memory repression, it is worse because we don’t remember the events we are recreating. Sounds like a losing battle, doesn’t it?

When Your Partner is Fatigued & Grouchy

Thursday, January 9th, 2014

When Your Partner is Fatigued & GrouchyAre you one of those people who wake up feeling fatigued and grouchy? Do you stumble out of bed wishing you could roll over and doze for another hour or two? Does your iPod, alarm clock or family member nudge you to get going long before your body is ready? If so, you are fatigued, grouchy and at risk for early burnout.

Here’s Brad’s story:

Brad begins most mornings as a walking zombie. On good days he’s grumpy; on bad days he’s consistently snarling at his wife and kids. Everything seems to get on his nerves. If anyone calls him on his behavior, he offers the lame excuse of “you know I’m not a morning person.”

Recent Comments
  • Susan: thanks so much for sharing your story. i have suffered from depression since i was 17, i am now 54. i was able...
  • Mark: I like those ways to change our mood. life is full of happiness, a lot of times, we just focus on too much...
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