“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

The fear is very real, because adults can’t watch kids and teens every moment of every day. The possibility of repercussions — such as even worse bullying — for reporting bullying behavior reinforce the fear and cycle of bullying.

That’s why it’s so refreshing and gives us hope to have come across this video the other day by 16-year-old Canadian Megan Landry. Join over 105,000 others (as of this writing) who’ve already watched and give a view below.

Luckily, Megan is reaching out to share the video with sites like ours:

Hi, I’m 16, I wrote this because I was bullied. I did the video myself too. I hope my song will give other kids the power “to look right over their heads.”

[...] I know it’s making a difference because of all the comments.

Just incredible. We think it’s making a difference too, and are honored to share it with our readers here.

Homegrown projects like this — that are so moving and sharp — gives us hope that we can turn the tables on bullying. We imagine it will give other teens hope as well.

We had a brief email exchange with Megan, a single child, to learn more about the video, and I asked her what inspired her and her friends to create this video.

I was bullied in grade 8 and grade 9 by a group of mean girls. It was a tough time because if anyone was nice to me, the bullies would be mean to them, so I was alone a lot.

I’m now in grade 11 and it’s over. You never though totally trust again. I wrote the song and asked a good friend Caroline to bring a couple of her friends so they could be in my video. If you Google “Megan Landry” Stronger you will see how much people have shared it.

This means the most to me because I hope other kids will be able to be strong and grow from it and not let it hurt them. I want to write music that will make a difference.

Sometimes those with innate musical talent, as I believe Megan has, underestimate their own abilities. When asked if she had an agent or any professional interest, she replied, “No, I don’t think I’m that good yet.”

“I’ve been playing piano since I was four, self-taught up to age nine then I got lessons. I wrote my first song when I was eleven. ”

I believe Megan has shown in this video alone that she has a lot of potential and is a rising teen star to watch.

Subscribe to Megan’s YouTube channel.

I have seen enough episodes to ask the question, “Why?”

What draws people to watch faithfully every week or watch every series every week? What satisfaction is had by watching women backstab each other, trash-talk each other behind each other’s backs, steal each other’s men, lie and manipulate others for attention, and flaunt their excessive lifestyles?

In short, what is to be gained by watching women treat each other so poorly?

This type of show seems only to feed the drama and stereotypes often associated with female friendships. Somehow it has become “entertaining” to watch women beat each other up mentally, emotionally, and in some cases physically each week in the “entertainment” boxing ring.

In an effort to learn more about the appeal of the “Real Housewives” antics, I started to wonder if those addicted to the show related in any way because of their own real-life friendships. Do the most loyal fans watch to find out why these women behave the way the do, or do they watch because they can resonate with them or find aspects about the “characters” they relate to or even secretly admire in some cases? Loyal fans have their favorites and in most cases fans seem to be drawn to the most outrageous, vindictive, and despicable woman among the group.

Some fans argue they watch the show because it is like a train wreck that they can’t help but watch. However, the difference between a train wreck and the “Real Housewives” is that unlike a train wreck, which is a horrible accident, the “Real Housewives” is a horribly staged event with the sole intent of setting women up to knock each other down.

So for all of you who Real Housewives fans, I challenge you to take this mini-quiz to see how your real-life friendships stack up to the ones on this widely popular show.

1. Do you spend most of your time with your friends gossiping and judging other friends or people in general? Or do you find the time you spend with your friends is often spent listening to them gossip about and judge other people?
2. Do you gossip about your friends behind their backs rather than talk to them directly about something that’s bothering you or about some ongoing conflict? Or do your friends gossip to you about friends they are having issues with versus talking to that person directly?
3. Do you get defensive if a friend tries to communicate to you their feelings or take it as an insult or criticism? Or do you find that when you try to talk to your friends about something they said or did that upset you, they react in ways that make you feel like you did something wrong and even some cases they stop talking to you?
4. Do your loyalties shift depending on which friend you happen to be with at the moment? Or do you find your friends’ loyalties seem to shift depending on who they are around?
5. Do you find you have very little to say to a friend if you aren’t gossiping about another friend or passing judgment on others in general? Or do you find your friend has very little to say to you other than sharing gossip or criticisms of others?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it may be time to take a closer look at the quality of your friendships, and even how your friends would rate you as a friend. Are these the type of friendships you want to put your energy into, and is this the type of friend you want to be considered as by others?

If you are guilty of any of these “Real Housewives” types of behaviors, it is pretty safe to assume that the ones you are exhibiting this behavior with are doing the exact same thing with the other “housewives” in your group when you are not around.

It could be between yourself and a partner, a parent, a co-worker — even a boss, an adult sibling or an annoying someone you run into every day on your way to work. Likely, it is doing something to temporarily boost yourself or the other person in the mix. Ultimately, however, it is not to anyone’s benefit.

Unspoken bargains, these so-called “arrangements,” are those things that rear their heads in times of challenge, chaos, crisis or just haste. They appear out of nowhere and can be maddening, upon first reflection, demanding us to ask ourselves, “why did I say or do that again to this person?”

They tug at us to examine the contracts we have with others for convenience and to lessen pain. But they are ultimately not self-serving or mutually good -– just codependent traps we put into place to attempt to protect ourselves from perhaps doing the right thing.

A worker discovers an unspoken bargain in play when she realizes she’s allowed her colleague to pull less of the load in order to maintain a friendship with the person everyone in the office likes.

A spouse sees he has one, letting his wife get her way because he’s afraid of upsetting her and bringing out her depression.

Even a parent can look the other way while a child falls into trouble with drugs, just so the parent can pursue self-centered interests uninterrupted by dilemma.

There is nothing pretty about unspoken bargains. Some are certainly more benign; others are profoundly disturbing. But they do demand our attention. They allow us to see who we are, what we present to others, and how we cope in the world.

Next time you find yourself looking at the appearance of some strange contract appearing between yourself and another, don’t look away. Stare at the arrangement keeping genuine relating from happening between you. Face down the unspoken bargain that is presenting itself.

And proactively look ahead of time, as well, for where they may be hiding in your life. Always ask yourself what you are doing in the dance between another person, another entity. If it is forthright, it will not “bargain,” or sacrifice your integrity, that of the other person, or the possibility of real communication between you.

As acclaimed psychologist and author Harriet Lerner so aptly writes in her books The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, we must garner the courage to change any detrimental “dance” with another person. And in doing so, we certainly have to look out for counter-moves first. For these habits, odd arrangements and false contracts, these unspoken bargains are challenging to break!. But the steps, the new moves you make for yourself, ultimately will be rewarding.

Over time, pent-up anger and resentment causes tiny problems to become big ones. Anger can become displaced or is expressed in a way that becomes problematic. Many people feel more upset when they realize that they overreact or explode with anger, especially if it causes hurt for themselves or someone else. Thus, it creates the terrible cycle of struggling with anger.

But there is help for anger that doesn’t require you to dig up your past, explore your thoughts, or send letters to a dead loved one. It’s called biofeedback, and it offers individuals readily-learned techniques that are safe and effective (based upon decades’ worth of research).

Unhealthy, inappropriate anger looks like this: You get home from a bad day at work, where everything seems to be going wrong. The house is a mess, and the kids are running around screaming. Your spouse is yelling to you from the kitchen to help.

You explode with a nasty remark about how you were busy working all day, and you do not have time to help. You say something hurtful in regard to your spouse not being a good parent. The kids hear you yell, and your spouse yells back or begins to cry. You then kick one of the toys on the floor and leave the house to go to a bar for a drink to unwind, leaving your family in disarray.

On the other hand, people also can internalize anger and it will manifest in different ways. Internalized anger can cause migraines, stomach problems, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and so on. The body expresses anger in maladaptive ways when people do not express it constructively.

Biofeedback and neurofeedback techniques offer individuals skills in how to effectively manage anger.

People can monitor their physiological responses and thus learn how to gain control over them. Neurofeedback also helps create a stronger connection between the emotional and executive areas of the brain, allowing people to gain a proper “checking” system. Anger is then expressed in a rational, appropriate, and conducive manner. Communication becomes clearer, and others are more likely to respond to your needs.

Children also can internalize anger and carry it with them, or express it with aggressive and problematic behaviors. Biofeedback, with the use of a video game program, helps build a stronger connection between the midbrain (emotional center) and forebrain (executive control center).

Here’s how it works. The child has sensors placed on certain areas of the head to read brain waves such as delta, beta, and hibeta waves. The video game will not advance if he or she is not keeping active and focused (increasing beta waves). If he or she becomes anxious or distracted (hibeta waves), or begins to feel tired or daydream (delta waves), the game will stop.

The child then learns to find the medium where he or she feels a calm focus and is in control of his or her brain functioning. A study conducted at Boston Children’s Hospital showed that the children who received biofeedback therapy had better control over their reactions to daily frustrations than they had prior to receiving the treatment.

“The connections between the brain’s executive control centers and emotional centers are weak in people with severe anger problems,” explains Joseph Gonzalez-Heydrich, chief of psychopharmacology at Boston Children’s and senior investigator of a recent biofeedback study conducted there.

Building a strong connection and balance between the midbrain and forebrain allows a child or adult to gain better control over their emotional responses and behaviors. Aggression and anger are then diffused in a healthy and appropriate manner.

Biofeedback also teaches breathing correctly as a relaxation technique. Breathing deeply through the diaphragm and focusing on each inhale and exhale will clear the mind and allow the frontal brain to keep the midbrain and emotional centers in check. It gives the mind a chance to step back from the situation and view it objectively instead of impulsively reacting off of intense emotions.

Biofeedback is a time- and research-tested technique to help people learn to better control responses that many believe are automatic or uncontrollable. If you or someone you love is having trouble with anger, consider biofeedback as one potential treatment to help with this concern.

Reference

Boston Children’s Hospital. (2012, October 24). Video game with biofeedback teaches children to curb their anger. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/10/121024164731.htm

How do we deal with those who embrace an ideology of destruction?

How do we reckon with those who suckle their children on hatred?

What do we say to ourselves, to our kids, to our loved ones when a horrible thing happens?

We will all have different responses to these questions. Here are mine…

• We remember the words of those we hold in high esteem.

  “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Mr. Rogers

• We cherish what we hold dear.

  We hug our kids a little tighter. We appreciate our loved ones even more. We commit random acts of kindness to make life easier for those we know and, perhaps more important, for those we don’t know. We cherish the freedoms we have and are grateful to those who dedicate their lives to making that freedom possible.

• We reach out to those more vulnerable than we are.

  Of course, we do what we can do for those directly affected by the tragedy. But we do more than that. We extend a helping hand to those who are more vulnerable than we are. They may need to share their story, to dissolve into tears, to quiver with fear, to explode with rage. Whatever they require, we are there for them. It’s healing for them; it’s healing for us.

• We do not define the human race by its worst elements.

  People are fantastic! They are kind. They are compassionate. They are big-hearted. They are considerate and generous and loving and sympathetic. Need I say more? And yes, there are those who are cruel and cold and brutal and mean. But we do not let ourselves be corrupted by those elements. We deal with them when we must. But we do not allow them to corrupt our hearts.

• We resolve to become more resilient.

  We may consider ourselves to be anything but resilient. Indeed, we may view ourselves as nervous, unable to deal with storm clouds and ticking bombs. We want life to be safe. Why not? But we recognize that life is fragile. Hence, when tragedy strikes, we strive to become survivors, not victims. When we are ready and only when we are ready, we resolve to do what we can to make ourselves and our little corner of the world a better place. We rejoice in the wonder of life and feel blessed to be a part of it, no matter how awful it is when horrible things happen.

Stay safe and take care of yourself and your family.

Some people believe that humiliation is a good teacher. You gotta learn. You must not forget. You will be punished if you don’t do it right. Humiliation will make a lesson stick.

These folks are right — humiliation is a good teacher.

But the lesson you learn is not what the teacher is intending. You don’t learn to do things better. You don’t learn to upgrade your skills. You don’t learn to trust your ability to learn.

What you do learn, instead, is to:

• Embrace rigidity. “I can’t do this. No way. No how.”

• Play it safe. “I’ll just make a fool of myself so I’m sticking to the tried and true.”
• Shirk responsibility. “It’s too hard for me; you have to do it for me.”
• Develop a fixed perspective. “I’ve never been any good at this and I never will be.”

Yes, humiliation throws cold water on the joy of learning and shuts down the joy of risk-taking. Indeed, a single dose of humiliation in a vulnerable child can lead to a belief that “I can’t do it,” while a regular dose of humiliation will profoundly cripple a child’s belief in himself and in his ability to learn. “I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m no good. And don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

If you’ve been exposed to the debilitating effects of humiliation, it’s time to rectify the damage that has been done. Here’s what you must do:

• Know that there’s nothing immutable about what you know and don’t know. All you can honestly say is that you don’t know how to do something yet. Put the time and effort into it, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.

• A mistake is not a felony. And it’s certainly not deserving of capital punishment. The most you can say is, it’s a misdemeanor or an oops! Just an error. Something that slipped your mind. Something you forgot because you were distracted. Next time you make a mistake, don’t agonize over it. Instead, acknowledge it. Fix it (if you can). Learn from it. Move on to your next challenge.
• Keep stretching. Keep reaching. Keep learning. Make new mistakes; it means your mind is active. You have not given up on yourself. You are not content to live within a comfort zone the size of a postage stamp. No, that’s not for you. It’s a big wide world out there, with lots of things to learn. You want to be a part of the world. Not apart from the world.
• No matter how much you learn, how much you know, there will be stuff you don’t know. This is not proof of your stupidity. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply life. We cannot know it all.
• When you don’t know what to do, improvise. That’s what everybody else is doing (whether they admit it or not). Make it up on the spot. Sometimes it will work out well. Sometimes it won’t. That’s the nature of life.
• When something intrigues you, go for it. Don’t tell yourself “I’m no good at this.” Take up the challenge. Put in the hard work. Ask for assistance. Tolerate the discomfort. And watch yourself bloom.

Whatever humiliating experiences you have had in the past, do not let them continue to define you today. Right now, this moment, this very moment, before you put this article down, say something that gives homage to who you are and what you’re about. If whatever you say brings a smile to your face or warmth to your inner being, you know you’ve chosen the right words.

Then, I walk into the lab next door for a blood test and the line I hear is: “Oh, your blood pressure was high, let me see if I can draw your blood now.”

Wait, what? Do they actually think that these comments will make me feel more relaxed?

I’ve also experienced more direct unpleasantries from doctors who project an icy, or even a rude demeanor. A poor bedside manner does affect a patient’s emotional disposition; it does heighten any anxiety, and it certainly ensures difficulty in forming a positive bond with a professional who’s in a field that’s supposed to alleviate illness.

“A bedside manner refers most often to the way a medical professional interacts and communicates with patients,” a 2012 post on Wisegeek stated. The post stresses that a doctor with a good bedside manner demonstrates empathy,¹ and emits an aura of ease for the patients, while also involving them in health decisions. On the flip side, poor bedside manners reflect rudeness, cold attitudes, inadequate listening skills, and a complete disregard for the patient’s fears.

Why are such mannerisms prominent in the medical field?

Lorianna De Giorgio’s 2012 article in the Toronto Star discusses why positive relationships between patients and doctors may be lacking in the profession.

Adam Waytz, assistant professor of management and organizations at Northwestern University, explained that a process of “dehumanization” lies behind an unfortunate patient-doctor rapport. Dehumanization may occur due to psychological demands placed on practitioners, and from ongoing advances in technology as well. Waytz determined that a bulk of medical decision-making gives way to a very mechanical method of thinking; problems are often solved and issues are fixed without recognizing the patient’s feelings.

While many individuals enter the medical field for humane reasons, “they get into the system, and the system is so stressful that sometimes the humanity is just beaten out of them,” notes Marjorie Stanzler, senior director of programs at the Schwartz Center for Compassionate Healthcare.

Waytz and Stanzler advocate that a proper bedside manner would result in improved psychological and physical outcomes for the patients in treatment.

A 2008 blog post entitled What Bad Bedside Manners Really Mean reviews the negative impact and consequences of these adverse behaviors:

“Doctors are supposed to be in the line of work of helping people. With this profession comes a lot of responsibility. The medical field is not supposed to be simply diagnosing a problem, handing out a few pills, and moving onto the next patient. It means much more. It means being a physician, and a physician means being a healer.”

I could not agree more. Patients may feel naturally anxious, waiting on an impending prognosis (especially if the condition has the potential to be serious). Do they really need aloofness on top of that?

“If the doctor seems disinterested in what you are telling him, there are greater chances of him missing something that you said,” the post stated. “If he seems put-out or preoccupied, the patient might be more likely to leave out pertinent information.” Furthermore, if the doctor is disrespectful, it may discourage patients from seeking medical assistance altogether.

Due to a distressing environment and technological developments, I can understand why medical practitioners may harbor some poor bedside manners, but that doesn’t make their etiquette right or beneficial.

I think it’s important for them to remember why they’ve entered the field in the first place; if it’s because they sincerely want to help people, it’s crucial to know how to relate to patients on an emotional level.

1. l personally think medical schools should have official courses on being more empathetic

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

Take this all-too-familiar scenario: Mary’s third marriage is coming to an end. She’s depressed and angry at herself for ‘ruining’ another marriage. She tells me that the same thing happened in the last two marriages, which proves that she’s a useless person and terrible wife.

For one, she’s incorrect because she’s globally rating herself as useless, and that’s irrational. Second, she’s taking all the blame, another thinking error. It doesn’t take much questioning to find out that her mother left her father when she was 3 years old, and her father told Mary that her mother left because of her. It was all her fault!

Really? It doesn’t take a genius to see how utterly crazy and untruthful that comment is. Yet, because Mary was told this by a significant authority figure, and was too young to cognitively question the irrationality of that statement, she internalized it. The lie became her truth. It was because of her that her mother left. End of story.

This type of internalized irrational belief can be devastating to a child’s life and growth. Just imagine: You’re 3 years old and you have the power to push a grown woman away from her husband and family. You somehow make it impossible for two adults to support each other. You make it impossible for them to manage a small child. You even have the power to prevent them from asking for help from others, if they so need it. Wow! That’s power.

Now imagine taking that belief into every relationship you go into. As soon as it looks like the other person might be moving away from you, that familiar, irrational belief kicks in. “They absolutely must not leave me. I can’t bear it if they leave me, because it means nobody will ever love me again.”

You’ll probably react one of three ways:

1. Desperately hold on. Beg and promise to do anything the other person wants as long as they stay.
2. Withdraw and let them leave because you know it’s inevitable
3. Go look for a carving knife, because you’re not letting them leave – ever.

None of those solutions will work in the long run. To move on, somebody like Mary needs to understand that her thinking is at error here. The irrational belief she’s cultivated since she was a child is what drives her in all her relationships. It’s unhealthy and destructive.

To change this behavior pattern, she’ll need to uncover that old belief, and figure out a new, healthy way to think. Once she’s done that, and practiced the new rational belief over and over, the next time she starts a relationship she’ll be on stronger footing. It probably will give her an opportunity to make better, informed decisions about her future relationships.

It’s all too easy for a lie to be taken as truth, but it still doesn’t mean it’s true.

The problem with shouting is that it isn’t really communicating — it’s being aggressive and intimidating. That clearly is not the best way to forge relationships. You may not think that you’re being aggressive, or acting unhealthily — but you are. And you’re not doing yourself or anyone else any favors with your behavior.

When we communicate, there are a couple of thinking processes going on in the background: We have a goal or task we wish to complete in the interaction.

That goal is being driven by a set of personal rules and beliefs which are running on autopilot.

The following is an example of a typical scenario: In the kitchen, John tells Karen that he wants her to pick their son up from school because he’d made plans to meet a friend for drinks after work. Trouble is, Karen also has made plans and isn’t able, or willing, to change them. The conversation might go like this:

“Sorry, John, but I can’t pick Luke up, I’ve made plans. Anyway, it’s your day to do it.”

“I know it’s my day, but I said I’d meet Frank. You can change your plans; you’re only meeting your mother anyway.”

“I’m not changing.”

“Look, I can’t pick him up. I’ve made plans. Just call your mom and tell her you need to pick him up.”

“No, John.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Stop being so damn stubborn and just do it, will you?!”

“Don’t shout at me.”

“Then stop being a bitch and just pick him up.”

At this point, since Karen isn’t doing what he wants, John could get angrier, louder, and more aggressive. People in Karen’s position will tend to give in and do what the shouter wants, which is exactly the reason to shout — to get one’s own way.

But what led to an angry exchange and John shouting?

The two cognitive processes mentioned above: John holds an irrational belief that Karen absolutely should change her plans. Because she doesn’t want to, she is obstructing his goal, which is to go out with Frank. His underlying belief is probably something like, “She absolutely must do what I want, and if she doesn’t, she’s just being a difficult bitch!”

Remember, if you get to the point of shouting, you’re already in unhealthy anger mode. Your irrational belief that you are right and others are wrong will only become more rigid, as unhealthy anger begins to cloud your rational thought.

So if you find you are shouting at people, stop and think about what you are demanding of them.

Are they obstructing your goal? Do you have an irrational belief that they must do what you think is right, or satisfy your goal even if it is counter to their goal? Then ask yourself if that’s reasonable of you to demand such a thing.

Above all, shouting doesn’t make your argument or request more persuasive, it just makes you seem more intimidating.

Emotional freedom involves understanding the difference between “healthy” and “unhealthy” shame.

If we are feeling guilt over an act that hurt someone, that is the healthy version of shame. That feeling is telling us that something went against our value system. It’s a signal to make amends and rectify the situation so that we can renew our state of well-being. Once we’ve forgiven (if we were wronged) or asked for forgiveness (if we were the hurtful one), then let it go.

Unhealthy shame, on the other hand, is when we allow ourselves to be defined by a weakness or something we have no control over.

We are either playing a broken record of victimhood or failure in our own mind or allowing someone else to play it in our presence. We need to remember in this case that we are nothing short of whole and complete, and not to see ourselves as anything less than victorious.

It’s been understood for years by childhood development experts that a person’s core personality is mostly affected and formed by the age of 10. As early as birth, a person’s character and self-image is shaped by his or her caretakers and stays primarily stable throughout their lives. So how a caretaker processes life with a child plays the most significant role in how a person sees themselves into adulthood.

In the area of shame, something as simple as how to acknowledge a feeling can be mishandled without being aware of the words that are being used.

It’s fairly common, for instance, for parents to quickly assess that a child “is shy” or “is stubborn” or “is always whiny.” Usually this is done in earshot of the child, who quickly internalizes such characterizations as his or her norm. A wise parent would assess each circumstance and instead state that a child was feeling shy in a certain situation, as in meeting new people. It is not “who” they are but it is how they are feeling at the time.

People grow up feeling shame for having valid feelings. This can then create a fear of failure and low self-worth, prohibiting them from trying new things or stretching their limits.

The cost of not having an emotionally safe upbringing pays unfortunate negative dividends into the adult’s future. Many are riddled with fear until they see that these were unnecessary and inaccurate descriptions, and learn to accept love for themselves in the place of fear.

Love is exactly what sets us free. Just as are our bodies are created to heal physical wounds and broken bones, our souls are created to heal when we draw closer to the emotional equivalent — safe love — and away from fear and judgment.

If you’re experiencing some of the common symptoms of stress, such as irritability or anger, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed and changes in sleeping habits, then the physical and mental consequences of stress are all too clear.

And if you have made efforts to improve your stress levels, you’re not alone.  According to a new survey, Stress in America: Missing the Health Care Connection, which was conducted online by Harris Interactive, Americans think it’s important to improve their health and levels of stress.

Over the past five years, 60 percent of adults have tried to reduce their stress and more than half are still trying to meet this goal, according to the survey.

In fact, according to the survey’s findings, Americans are struggling to keep their stress at levels that they believe are healthy.  But how well do we do that?

Average reported stress levels have dropped in recent years, but they are still considered at unhealthy levels, according to those surveyed.  And although overall stress levels dropped, almost three-quarters of respondents say that their stress level has increased or stayed the same over the past five years and 80 percent say their stress level has increased or stayed the same in the past year.

But when it comes to making changes, many people are struggling.  People are reporting exercise as well as sedentary behaviors like listening to music, reading or watching television or movies as strategies for managing stress. 

However, we are are also spending time lying awake, overeating or eating unhealthy foods and skipping meals due to stress.

Despite their interest in making changes for a healthier life, many adults face barriers, such as lack of time, lack of willpower and lack of support, that prevent them from achieving their health and wellness goals.

Millennials (people ages 18 to 33) and people with chronic health conditions seem to be struggling the most when it comes to finding support for making healthy lifestyle changes to reduce stress. Millennials report higher stress levels than other Americans and nearly half report that they are not doing enough to manage their stress. Few report support from their health care provider for stress or behavior management.

And although stress increases your risk of becoming chronically ill and increases the risk that your defenses will be overwhelmed by disease, adults with chronic illness also lack support for managing their stress.  Stress is on the rise for those with chronic illness, but few are getting any support for managing that stress, which, in turn, could have devastating effects on the course of their illness.

So what can you do to better manage your stress? 

The answer is individual and has much to do with your lifestyle and personality.  However, a few tips from the good folks over at the American Psychological Association include: evaluating your lifestyle for stress, focusing on your own physical health and changing one habit at a time.

Need Help Changing Your Stress-Relief Habits?

Check out these articles:

• The Golden Rule of Habit Change

• Changing Our Routines and Habits

It may seem like there’s no problem if your parents have become better people. Just count your blessings and get on with life! But it’s not always that simple.

Mike grumbles, “I can’t believe my father wants to be so involved with my kids. When I was growing up, he barely gave me the time of day. “Shut up! Do your homework! Listen to your mother!” That was pretty much the extent of our relationship. And now, he wants to take my son to school, coach his games, take him on a trip. Who is this new person? And how come I got the short end of the stick?”

Kim gripes, “My mother was always on my case. I had to dress right, speak right, eat right and live right. Otherwise, what would people think? Now, when I berate my daughter for not acting properly, my mother comes to her defense, telling me that I’m too hard on her. It makes me furious. She was 10 times harder on me than I am on my daughter. What’s going on here?”

People change and forget to tell each other. And when those people are your parents, it can be totally disorienting.

When those rigid, hard-nosed parents who raised you now exist only in your memory, it may make you wonder about your sanity. Did you misconstrue your whole childhood experience? Are you distorting the facts? What happened?

Though some people’s negative traits harden with age, others, like fine wine, mellow. Your parents may have become wiser and kinder over time. At this point in their lives, they may feel less stressed, less nervous about careers, less fired up about what’s “right” and more focused on enjoying life.

It’s not that simple, however, for you.

When your son thinks your dad is the greatest guy, do you tell him what a lousy father he was to you? And if you do, would he even believe you?

If your daughter and mother gang up against you, claiming that you’re the one who’s too uptight, do you keep your mouth shut or spit out what you’re really thinking?

It’s easy to stew with resentment. However, a better choice is to take the opportunity to open up a dialogue with your parents.

Tell them how pleased you are that they are enjoying their grandchildren. Then, share with them the differences you notice in how they parented then and what they do now.

Seek to create understanding, not blame. Cry with them about the hurts you experienced. Laugh with them about the joyous memories. And know that it’s not only younger people who change as they mature. It’s older people as well.

According to Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships, “Relationships don’t magically take care of themselves — as with most living organisms, they need nurturing.”

Throughout the years, in her private practice, Steinorth has seen the same problems plague all relationships. She identified poor communication and poor conflict resolution skills as the most common concerns.

In fact, she called poor conflict resolution skills “the kiss of death,” for even the best relationships. “If you assassinate your partner’s character every time you have an argument and hold grudges from one argument to the next, I can pretty much promise you that your relationship will end up a sad state of affairs.”

And these skills are just as relevant and essential for your family, friends, boss and co-workers. Below, Steinorth offered 10 pointers for improving any relationship.

Improve Your Relationship

1. Listen intently.

There’s a difference between hearing a person and truly listening to them. Listening is a skill, which requires many elements, such as making eye contact and observing the person’s body language, Steinorth said.

It also includes giving the person your undivided attention. This might go without saying, but in our plugged-in world, distraction is merely an electronic device away. That’s why Steinorth suggested powering down all your tech tools while having a heart-to-heart, or really any talk.

She also suggested spouses carve out 10 minutes each morning and night to talk and connect. “It can make a world of difference in your relationship.”

2. Practice small acts of kindness.

“Act loving even when you don’t feel like it, because people will always remember the way you make them feel,” Steinorth said. She encouraged readers to be thoughtful and compassionate. For instance, you can rub your spouse’s shoulders or take your close friend to lunch.

3. Avoid second-guessing what people say.

Most of us tend to respond to other people’s thoughts and feelings from our perspective, Steinorth said. But “If you want to take your communication skills from good to great, one of the best things you can do is actually listen to another person and believe they mean, feel and want exactly what they just said…”

Because if no one means what they say, then how can any person be trusted? she said. “Don’t substitute your own thoughts, feelings or judgments for what is being said to you.”

4. Be mindful about when to approach people.

“Do your best to ensure that the person you are going to talk to is in the right frame of mind to receive the message you want to send,” Steinorth said. In other words, if your boss seems stressed, wait until they’re relatively relaxed to request a raise, she said.

5. Empathize during conflicts.

“It’s OK to argue and disagree [but] just do it effectively,” Steinorth said. One way to do that is to empathize with others during a disagreement.

“[Consider] that the other person you’re having a conflict with probably feels like you do. This will help you approach the situation with more patience and understanding as ideally these are things you are seeking as well.”

Be open to their opinion, just like you’d want them to be open to yours, she said. This can be tough in the heat of a debate, so, before responding, pause for five to 10 minutes to remind yourself.

6. Fight fair.

Again, it’s not conflict that chips away at relationships; it’s how you approach conflict that causes problems. “Learn to address the subject, not the person, stay focused, don’t bring in stuff from old arguments, seek compromise if you can’t seek resolution and don’t bad mouth [your loved ones],” Steinorth said.

7. Be prepared to bend.

Sometimes bending is more important than standing your ground. All relationships require compromise. As Steinorth said, “If you value your friendship and the other aspects of it are good, would it really be so bad to give up on a few argument points if it means your relationship will continue?” Usually it’s not bad at all.

8. Tend to your relationship’s needs.

“If you value your relationship with someone, be sure to give it what it needs—be it time, compassion or love,” Steinorth said. If you’re not sure what they need, just ask them, “What can I do to help you feel better?” or “What would you like from me?” she said.

9. Pay attention to the give and take in your relationships.

“Be aware of what you are bringing and taking from your relationships with others,” Steinorth said. That doesn’t mean keeping score. In fact, there will be times in every relationship when one person needs more than the other, she said. “But overall in the healthiest of relationships the scales should pretty much balance out.” One possible sign of imbalance? “You feel that you could never ask the other person for what they ask of you.”

10. Be someone others want to be around.

What types of people do you like to spend time with? What types of people do you not like to spend time with? For instance, if you commonly nag, complain and dish out passive-aggressive comments, your relationships will suffer, Steinorth said.

Relationships blossom when you tend to them, truly listen and resolve conflict effectively. “When you’re able to do this, it can help you in many areas of your life…you have a better chance of getting promoted, your relationship will be better with your spouse because you know how to clear the air without destroying one another in the process and you can teach your children these skills by role modeling them,” Steinorth said.

Fortunately, each of us holds the power to defuse our own anger and even others,’ Dr. Shrand said. This is especially critical because often it’s not our own fuse that hinders our success; it’s someone else’s, he said.

The key in cooling anger lies in respect. As Dr. Shrand said, when was the last time you got angry with someone who showed you respect?

“Anger is designed to change the behavior of someone else. Being respected feels great, so why would we want to change that?”

Another key lies in using our prefrontal cortex, instead of letting our primitive limbic system run amok. Our limbic system is the ancient part of the brain known as the “lizard brain,” according to Shrand, also medical director of CASTLE (Clean and Sober Teens Living Empowered) at the High Point Treatment Center in New Bedford, Mass. It houses our emotions, impulses and memory. And it’s the source of our fight-or-flight response.

The prefrontal cortex is the more advanced, newer part of our brains known as the “executive center.” It helps us plan, solve problems, make decisions and control our impulses. It’s the prefrontal cortex that helps us in deactivating anger in ourselves and others.

Recognizing & Defusing Your Own Rage

Anger is a perfectly normal part of being human, Shrand said. It becomes dangerous when we’re unable to recognize it, or it transforms into aggression. So it’s important to first understand and defuse your own anger.

Angry runs on a spectrum, from irritation to rage. Shrand suggested creating your own anger scale from 1 to 10. For instance, his 10-point scale looks like this: “irritation, aggravation, annoyance, frustration, impatience, displeasure, anger, wrath, fury and rage.” Figure out your triggers for all 10 levels.

Pay attention when your anger surpasses level 5. That’s when our limbic system overwhelms the prefrontal cortex, Shrand writes in Outsmarting Anger. And that’s when we’re more likely to get into verbal or even physical fights.

According to Shrand, there are three major reasons, or domains, why we get angry: resources, such as food and money; residence, which includes not just your home, but your community, work, school and country; and relationships, which include your close family, coworkers, political party and religion.

Specifically, the suspicion that someone wants to take something away from us – resource, residence or relationship – can activate our anger. Another trigger is envy, when someone has something we want in any of the three domains.

To better understand your own anger, Strand suggested considering the various triggers in each of these domains.

Once you recognize the presence of your anger, it’s vital to channel it, he said. “Anger doesn’t have to be destructive but [can be] constructive.” Shrand advised against punching things because you can “go from a pillow to a face.” Instead, “defuse the energy of anger.”

Go for a run, focus on your artwork or finish a DIY project, he said. “Break something that needs to be broken.” As he said, the most amazing works, including music, poetry and art, have been created from anger.

Defusing Other People’s Anger

According to Shrand, you can deactivate another person’s anger by not getting angry yourself. In fact, doing so can connect you to others in profound ways. Take the following example. A stranger was putting up a yard sale sign on Shrand’s lawn. He was pretty annoyed, but, as he approached the man, decided to calmly ask him what he was doing. The man responded defensively.

But Shrand responded with a joke, which eased the tension. This led to a meaningful conversation. Shrand learned that this man – his neighbor – was having a yard sale to finally sell his wife’s belongings, three years after her passing. “His eyes welled with tears as he spoke, this man who just a few moments before had been a burly stranger engaged in a meaningless defensive posture,” he writes in his book.

Shrand’s calm and amicable demeanor sent the message to his neighbor’s brain that Shrand wasn’t a threat. He wasn’t going to steal the man’s resources, residence or relationship.

Another important component of deactivating another’s anger is empathy. For instance, in the above example, Shrand showed his neighbor that he was interested in him and wanted to better understand his thoughts and behavior, which sent another message: “You have value to me.”

And that’s a powerful thing. As Shrand said, “In our heart of hearts, a human being wants to feel valued by another human being.” “Feeling valued leads to trust. In turn, the feeling of trust reduces the other person’s anxiety and potential for anger,” he writes in Outsmarting Anger.

Shrand encouraged readers to “Keep it frontal, don’t go limbic.” In other words, focus on your prefrontal cortex, without getting suspicious of others or lashing out.

You might worry that this leaves you vulnerable to being exploited. But “you’re enhancing your survival potential. You become seen as a benefactor yourself… or a person of integrity and character that others want to be around [and trust].”

Cooperation trumps competition. Group dynamics research has found that while selfish members do better temporarily, altruists win, because they are working cooperatively, he said.

You also never know where people are coming from or the day they’ve had. While we don’t have control over anyone, we do influence everyone, he said. “We have to decide what kind of influence we want to be.”