World of Psychology » YourTango Experts

5 Simple Words that Could Ruin Your Relationship

YourTango Experts — Wed, 22 May 2013 00:55:28 +0000

This article from YourTango was written by Julie Orlov.

Words are powerful. They can cut you, heal you, inspire you, and stop you from certain actions. Learning the language of a strong, healthy relationship or marriage takes time and diligence, but saying some words regularly may cause irreparable damage.

Here are five words that are destined to cause damage to your relationship or marriage.

1. “Never.”

“Never” implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use “never,” you’re telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there’s no hope for change. It’s an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.

2. ”Always.”

“Always” implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use “always,” you’re telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there’s nothing that can be done about it. It’s also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.

3. ”But.”

“But” implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use “but,” you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It’s a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include “however” and “although.”

4. ”*#%&.”

Use your imagination and fill in the blanks and what you’re left with is a vulgar, obscenity-laced attack. Any way you look at it, attacking your spouse by name-calling will cause irreparable damage. Doing this regularly will surely destroy your spouse’s soul and kill the marriage. Outright contempt has no place in a marriage.

5. ”Divorce” or “Breakup.”

Threatening to divorce or break-up, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the marriage will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It’s not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.

Take the time to think about the impact of your words before you speak to your spouse. Consider what you want to create with the communication. Create a powerful and loving intention rather than one that is meant to hurt, control, scare or push away the person youlove.

Find words that are conducive to creating intimacy. These might include phrases like, “I notice that when I [blank], you react by [blank]. When you do [blank], I feel [blank]. It would mean a lot to me if you would [blank], because when you do, I feel [blank].” And: “I want our marriage to feel good to both of us. How can we approach things in a way that makes us both feel heard, appreciated, accepted, and loved?”

Learning new ways of communicating and relating to each other is not easy. Couples get trapped into certain ways of relating that have been established early on in the relationship.

Jealous in Your Relationship? Stop Stalking & Start Talking

YourTango Experts — Fri, 17 May 2013 22:22:46 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Susie And Otto Collins.

Jealousy in a relationship can cause you to say things you later regret. You grill your partner about who she had lunch with. You interrogate your boyfriend about who he was just talking to on the phone. You accuse your spouse of flirting.

Jealousy robs you of your peace of mind and wreaks havoc in your relationship. It comes through in the way you talk and the way you act. Strictly speaking, “stalking” is the illegal act of pursuing or harassing another person, like when paparazzi stalk celebrities.

But did you know that stalking also happens in committed relationships and marriages too? Because of suspicion and jealousy, girlfriends stalk their boyfriends and husbands stalk their spouses.

It’s a dangerous game that’s rooted in worry, fear and confusion. What’s worse is that you might not even know that what you’re doing is considered stalking. Ask yourself these questions:

Do you check your partner’s Facebook page at least once a day?
Do you regularly drive by your partner’s house or workplace just to check for his or her car?
Do you look through the texts and call history on your partner’s phone?

These are just a few ways that people stalk and it’s not healthy for your relationship or for you either!

Stalking usually increases suspicion instead of calming it, even if you don’t find any proof. Your jealous mind will not rest until you’ve checked again. The thought, “What if I didn’t catch the incriminating text?” runs through your mind, wears you down and causes you to doubt your partner’s commitment even more than before.

It also ruins trust. Not only does stalking weaken the bond of trust with your partner, if you get caught spying or checking up on him or her, it’s going to push you two further apart. Stalking is isn’t always a conscious choice which makes it difficult to deal with. You react to feeling jealous by sneaking and picking up her phone without thinking. You alter your route home to see if his car is in the parking lot at work without fully realizing what you’re doing.

Getting Rid of Your Jealousy

When your partner says or does things that trigger your jealousy, it feels like you can’t help but stalk them. We want you to know that you can start to make conscious decisions that not only soothe your jealous urges, but improve your relationship.

1. Talk with yourself first.

As you feel that impulse to stalk, notice what you’re doing and stop. Don’t take any action until you have a talk with yourself first. Your self-talk might go something like this, “Hey, I really really want to click on over to Facebook and check my boyfriend’s page. His class reunion was last weekend, and I’m worried that he’s re-connected with his old girlfriend.”

Take a deep breath and continue by saying to yourself, “Okay, is this going to make my jealousy go away? I don’t think so. Will it help me feel close to my boyfriend? Nope. So, instead I’m going to go for a run, and then I’ll text my boyfriend and invite him to meet me for a late dinner together.”

You can literally talk yourself out of being driven by jealousy. Slow down and remind yourself to consider the consequences of stalking before deciding whether or not to go ahead and do what you were compelled to do.

2. Talk with your partner.

Are there times when you’ve got good reason to check up on what your partner says? Definitely! It’s never wise to ignore warning signs that indicate your partner might be lying to you or hiding something. Stick with observable facts, and, in some cases, this might involve doing the very same things that constitute stalking.

The most important thing is for you to know when your jealousy is taking over your decision-making and when clear-seeing is leading the way. For many people, jealous impulses are fear-driven and not linked to facts. Clear-seeing comes with a sense of certainty, even if you don’t like what you’re being pulled to say or do.

When you have reliable proof that your partner is flirting, lying, breaking promises or disrespecting you, communicate with him/her about it. Have a talk where you set boundaries and create agreements to address whatever is going on. If you find out that your partner is having an affair, decide whether or not you’ll stay in the relationship.

Second chances can lead to success, but only if both of you are willing to work together to rebuild trust.

More relationship advice from YourTango:

Should You Delay Divorce? 3 Ways Couples Put It Off

YourTango Experts — Thu, 16 May 2013 00:29:57 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Abby Rodman.

A therapist I know once suggested that staying married is a choice you make on a daily basis.

She said that every morning when you wake up and look over at your snoring spouse, you’re deciding — on some level — to stay married one more day. This isn’t a psyche-challenging exercise if you’re in a good, or good enough, marriage. It’s an autopilot decision you don’t even know you’ve made.

But if you’re wondering daily whether you’re in the right marriage, this decision becomes a gut-wrenching task that occupies every waking thought.

You’re consumed with the realization that your marriage is on the low end of the proverbial marital satisfaction spectrum. All the more confusing is that you may find yourself moving up and down that spectrum like a zipline gone haywire. One day the marriage seems almost tolerable, the next you’re fantasizing about running out for milk and never coming back.

You know you’re unhappy in your marriage when you’re always wondering whether or not you’re happy. Happily married people aren’t asking themselves if they’re happy. They just are. And admitting to yourself that you’re unhappy in your relationship is not going to top your list of life’s great moments. The realization that you have to end your marriage is painful and the timing never feels right. Between your kids’ soccer schedules, your full-time job, your sick mother-in-law, your niece’s upcoming wedding, your partner’s perpetual underemployment and your second mortgage, there’s always some excuse to delay the inevitable.

In my psychotherapy practice, clients often ask me when they’ll be completely sure that it’s time for a divorce. I tell them that only they can answer that. I also tell them that ready-to-divorce folks often describe a feeling of desperation that engulfs them in a way they’ve never experienced before. “I felt like if I didn’t get out, I was going to die,” clients say. Their lives start to feel more like death.

Recently, a client told me she wanted to wait until she was sure she’d have no regrets about her decision whatsoever. I told her that’s impossible. Why? Because it’s impossible to hurt the people important to you and not have some lingering doubt about your decision. It’s impossible to assign your kids the designation of being “from a broken home” and not have some lasting sadness.

But here’s the reality: that doesn’t mean your decision to divorce is wrong. And although it’s imperative to take your time making this decision, folks often get mired in time-wasting efforts that do nothing but delay the inevitable. In fact, there are three things people do routinely that keep them imprisoned in pre-divorce misery. If deciding to divorce is taking you much longer than you think is healthy or necessary, ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you trying to convince your spouse that your perspective of the marriage is the “right” one?

Your marriage has a unique story and the two people in it have very different versions to tell. In unhappy unions, these versions are often very different. If you’re expending a lot of energy trying to convince your spouse that your story of the marriage is the right version, do both of you a favor and stop. He doesn’t see it your way and he isn’t going to. Rehashing the story of when your marriage went wrong isn’t useful, it’s painful and destructive. And, in reality, there’s truth in both of your stories. It’s like when police interview witnesses of a violent crime and no one can agree on what color shirt the perpetrator was wearing. It’s all about perspective. Just agree to disagree.

2. Are you trying to convince your spouse that staying in the marriage (or leaving it) is the best decision?

Often when couples are considering divorce, one partner wants to leave and the other wants to hang in there and try to make it work. If you have a partner who adamantly wants out, there’s little chance you’re going to convince him otherwise. You can pull out all the stops trying to change his mind but at some point, you have to accept his decision and find a way to move on. You’re also not going to convince your partner that divorce is for the best when he’s sure that it will destroy his life. That’s what usually makes divorce so contentious. You each want a vastly different outcome. So don’t wait for your spouse to give you the green light; you’re not going to get it.

3. Are you trying to get your spouse to singularly take the blame for the demise of the marriage?

If you’re endlessly passing the baton of blame back and forth, you’re wasting precious time. You’ve both played a role in the disintegration of the marriage. In the end, does it really matter who shoulders the blame? Instead, work on creating a post-divorce financial plan and focus on helping your kids through the transition. No family court judge has the time or resources to consider how he didn’t come to your father’s funeral or that you sexted with the pool boy at the country club. Don’t whittle away your energy trying to convince yourself or others whose fault all of this is. No-fault divorce laws exist for a reason.

Ultimately, the decision to divorce can only come from you. No therapist in the world can, or should, tell you if or when it’s the right choice for you. What I can offer you, though, is this: it’s time to divorce when you have tried everything to keep your marriage together and nothing has worked. It’s time to divorce when divorcing is perpetually on the table as a possibility: happily married people don’t talk about divorcing. It’s time when you can’t imagine the rest of your life with this person, when he makes your life into sadness with no end in sight. It’s time when, yes, your life starts to feel more like death.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

4 Ways Technology May be Ruining Your Relationship

YourTango Experts — Tue, 14 May 2013 01:45:36 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Susan Heitler.

Connecting via Facebook, emails, texting, tweets and instant messages can be convenient. Technology can offer fast ways to ask your husband to pick up lettuce at the grocery store on the way home or to let your wife know that you’ll be home later than usual.

But according to new findings, this convenience may come at the cost of closeness in your relationship.

That’s because reserchers from Oxford University have found couples who keep in touch too much via technology tend to have less satisfying marriages.

How could this be?

The study surveyed social media used by 3,500 couples, including Facebook, emails, texts, tweets and instant messages. Couples who used five or more electronic channels of communication reported an average of 14 percent less relationship satisfaction than couples who were less electronically connected.

Shouldn’t connecting more — in any capacity or modality — foster closeness?

Well, yes and no. Any connection a with loved one beats no connection at all, provided that the connection is neutral or positive. Sending a text that reads, “See you after work” is neutral information-sharing. On the other hand, sending a text that says, “I love you!” conveys a much more positive message and fosters loving feelings… at least a bit. And swapping naughty texts back and forth over the course of the day gets you hot for each other when you climb in to bed together at night.

However, virtual connecting is never a substitute for physical togetherness and it can sometimes make matters worse in your relationship. Here are four reasons why:

1. Technology makes it easier to fight dirty.

Anger can be too easily impulsively shot out in an email or text. Too many folks dash off a quick nasty comment in response to something that annoyed them. If they click and send before they’ve had time to calm down and think through a more tactful response, there’s likely to be trouble ahead.

2. “Checking things online” interrupts your quality time together.

Folks who connect over so many electronic channels with their loved ones may be doing the same with friends and business partners. Therein lies the problem. Maintaining all those connections can slice and dice your time with your main loved one. Each and every interruption to your time alone together diminishes the intensity of your connection.

3. Virtual connections can’t replace physical intimacy.

When you receive a text or read an email, all you get is information. You don’t receive smiles, hugs, laughter or touch. Whatfosters loving feelings with significant others usually involves physical contact — simple thingslike gazing lovingly at each other, holding hands, whispering sweet nothings. Eye-to-eye and skin-to-skin contact all turn on the love hormone oxytocin. This chemical in your brain enhances your feelings of affection and increases your sense of bonding with your partner. This is something you can’t express over a text message.

4. Messages are easily misinterpreted.

Texts can only convey so much through words without what psychologists call “prosody” or the sound of voices. This means that misinterpretations of texts can run rampant. Sending a text that reads, “See you after work” can be interpreted as an annoyed order if the receiver is sensitive. In this regard, at least phone calls (which add voice to the bandwidth) are less likely to create upsets from misperceptions.

Sharing thoughts makes at least some emotional connection, which is part of why many couples like to talk as a prelude to sex. At the same time, talking enhances connection power when you are physically together, because you can see each other, hear each other and touch each other. And that can never be conveyed over technology of any kind.

More relationship advice from YourTango:

7 Reasons to Move In Together

YourTango Experts — Thu, 09 May 2013 22:35:15 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Kim Olver.

Should you go from boyfriend and girlfriend to roommates?

According to the CDC, more and more couples are cohabiting. About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together.

This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility. So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you?

Here are seven things to consider.

1. Young adults are taking longer to be financial independent.

More and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer.

The average lifespan for people live continues to increase. This means that to commit yourself to a person when you’re 25 years old mean you’re most likely committing yourself to at least a 50-year marriage if you stay together as a couple. Do you really want to be committed to one person for the next 50 or more years? Living together first can really give you a better perspective of what your significant other is really like.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life.

The person that satisfies you when you’re in your 20s, may not be the same person who satisfies you in your 30s and beyond. You will likely find that your needs and preferences will change as you mature, and you may want someone different for your life partner as you continue your metamorphosis.

4. You will undergo many changes throughout your life.

This is connected to the previous point, but speaks to the idea that both of you will change. The hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction, but you may mature in opposite directions. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

5. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

There used to be evidence that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more likely to divorce than couples who didn’t. New research shows that this is no longer true. While living together won’t hurt your chances of having a successful marriage, it doesn’t help them either. It seems living together has no predictive effect on whether or not your marriage will last.

This is because while living together does provide the experience of what it will be like to live day-to-day with a person, it won’t prepare you for the specific marriage-related expectations that most of us have. Living together allows you to access behavioral patterns, while being married elicits an often entirely different set of behaviors and expectations. So living together really can’t necessarily be considered a dress rehearsal for marriage.

6. The social stigma is disappearing.

There was a time not too long ago when living together without the benefit of marriage was cause for scandal. You still likely have grandparents and possibly great-grandparents who will judge you for living together without being married. However, this is much more acceptable today than it used to be so you likely won’t have to cope with the shame and blame those who came before you did.

7. It will save money.

One of the best reasons I know for cohabiting, particularly in our present financial environment, is that one household is less expensive to maintain than two. If you want to live independently from your parents and can’t afford it, get a roommate. Often this roommate turns out to be your romantic partner. Saving money on bills is one thing, but please consider your exit strategy so it doesn’t end up costing you more in the long run.

These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

5 Reasons Couples Move In Together

YourTango Experts — Fri, 03 May 2013 22:38:50 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Kim Olver.

According to LiveScience, the CDC reports that more and more couples are co-habiting.

About 30 percent of these living arrangements will result in marriage, 27 percent of couples will break up and 32 percent will stay living together. This tells me that some couples are using it as a test run for marriage, while others are not necessarily “practicing” marriage, but are thinking about marriage as a possibility.

So how do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Here are a few things to consider.

1. It’s cheaper, and young adults are taking longer to obtain financial independence.

Also, more and more young adults are living with their parents and even those who live on their own are still financially dependent on their parents. Therefore, young people are less likely to commit to marriage until they are somewhat sure of their financial stability. Living together provides an attractive alternative.

2. People are living longer.

3. One person may not satisfy you for the rest of your life.

You both will undergo many changes throughout your life, but the hope is that you’ll mature in the same direction. However, you may mature in opposite directions, too. Do you want to have a lifetime commitment to someone who may be an entirely different person later in life?

4. It provides some sense of what it’s like to live together.

5. The social stigma is disappearing.

Without an exit strategy, you may find yourself homeless. You may find yourself in the difficult situation of asking your “roommate” to leave when things aren’t working out. You may find you are spending lots of money should you quickly have to find alternative living arrangements. Will you move back home with your parents, find your own apartment, try to afford the one you already have on your salary alone, find a new roommate? These are all questions you and your loved one should discuss before moving in together. After all, the statistics don’t lie. There is at least a 27 percent chance this will not work out. Being prepared and having options will help you from committing to someone who may not be right for you for the long haul.

To stay in touch with Kim visit The Relationship Center to receive your free monthly newsletter.

More living together advice from YourTango:

10 Rules For Fighting Couples

YourTango Experts — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:49:29 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Susan Heitler.

In relationships, we all have our fights; and having the occasional heated debate between you and your significant other is even healthy.

But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the argument can quickly get out of hand.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match. Follow these ten tips for effective anger management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.

1. Know when to make an exit.

Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.

2. Exit earlier than you think you need to.

Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to ten. By the time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and what you want totally insignificant.”)

3. Change your focus.

Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.

4. Evoke peace and laughter.

Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.

5. Breathe deeply.

Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner fire.

6. Relax your muscles.

Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.

7. Put on a smile.

Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.

Stay calm and follow these guidelines if you want to avoid a screaming match.

8. Test the waters.

Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.

9. Make agreements.

Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”

10. Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view.

Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.

The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship problems.

Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships.

More life coach advice from YourTango:

Why You Should Date ‘Apples’ Instead Of ‘Candy Bars’

YourTango Experts — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:24:33 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Elisabeth LaMotte.

One of the most interesting aspects of my work as a therapist is how much I learn from my clients. Years ago, I worked with a young woman who was struggling to find a happy, healthy relationship. She easily, breezily summarized her challenge:

“My sorority sisters say my problem is that I keep dating candy bars when what I really need is an apple. Their advice makes perfect sense. A candy bar looks so good when you first see it, and I crave it with passion, but whenever I have it, I end up feeling sick. I know that apples are much healthier, but I don’t crave them with the same sense of longing.”

This succinct summary of her dating pattern is one I observe time and time again among both men and women who claim all they want is a happy relationship, and they lament that this wish is never fulfilled. And yet, when exploring their dating history in more detail, they will frequently admit to a pattern of actively choosing unavailable or otherwise unsuitable partners.

The psychological theories related to this phenomenon are quite interesting. One theory says that a happy, reliable relationship is not something that is familiar and so it makes someone uncomfortable. Freud, on the other hand, might wonder if the client is unconsciously repeating a painful pattern from the past with a fantasy that he or she might fix it and therefore heal old wounds.

According to this theory, such fantasies are rarely successful and usually involve compulsively repeating something painful from the past and opening and re-living old wounds. Behavioral theory talks about learned behavior. Cognitive theory explores how one’s thoughts about one’s self and others play into the relationship experience. Regardless of the theoretical approach a therapist uses to explore why the pattern occurs and how to change it, the language of candy bars and apples is a compelling way to begin the conversation.

Many times, the stated problem in therapy is, in fact, the opposite of what a client claims. In other words, if someone says they are in pain as they long for an intimate relationship, they may actually mean they are terrified to be in a close and committed relationship. Fortunately, my client gave me permission to share the metaphor of candy bars and apples with others. When I presented this concept to another client she shook her head and replied:

“That’s me, an over-eating candy bar addict! If I date a functional man I can literally feel the walls closing in around me … I secretly love unavailable men. I love to look like the good one dating the mess. That way when things fall apart no one blames me. Also, you can’t fear having the rug pulled out from you when there is no rug.”

What are signs you are dating a candy bar? While inconsistency, cruelty or unavailability are obvious signs, the best way to determine for sure is to write down the five qualities that are most important to you in a partner. Then think about the last five people you dated. Highlight the qualities you claim to be important that are not present in those you dated. The greater number of these qualities that are lacking, the greater likelihood that you are dating candy bars.

If you discover you tend to choose candy bars over apples, keep in mind you are therefore playing an active role in your unsatisfactory relationships. Choosing an unsuitable partner can be just as destructive as being an unsuitable partner. If you own your part in the problematic pattern, you can begin to practice dating apples and slowly train yourself to adjust to a new and healthier dating diet.

I say “train” intentionally as making any significant change — diet or otherwise — involves hard work, commitment, discomfort and persistence that is similar to training for a marathon. Apples might taste strange at first, but if you stick with it and push through the discomfort, you will notice, with time and hard work, that you will begin to crave them. Before you know it, you will want to delete candy bars from you diet. Good riddance!

Want to read more about candy bars and apples? There’s a full chapter devoted to this concept in my book, “Overcoming Your Parents’ Divorce.” Visit www.elisabethlamotte.com to learn more or follow @elisjoy.

More dating advice from YourTango:

7 Sure Signs of a Commitment-Phobe

YourTango Experts — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 23:45:22 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Larry Cappel.

Amy told me about a recent conversation with the man she thought she wanted to marry:

“Am I the crazy one here? Why do I feel needy and desperate when I talk to him all of a sudden? I thought he loved me! I don’t get it. He practically lives with me and I’ve never even seen his place! I’ve never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to win me over. He took me on some amazing dates and made love to me in ways I never even thought possible! I fell in love with him! I love him!

But when I suggested we have dinner with my parents, I didn’t hear from him for a week! He disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the heck? I don’t even know where he was for the last week. He travels a lot for work… But before this, he’d call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he called me Sunday night to say he’s “not ready” to meet my parents. He says, ‘Can’t we just keep things like they were? I love you, baby, but I really like things the way they are now. Why do you have to screw it up?’”

Sound familiar? Amy is dealing with a man who suffers from commitment-phobia and a deep fear of intimacy.

His own negative self-beliefs about commitment, love and relationships will guarantee that this relationship won’t last. He has no intention of making a commitment to her, and now that she is asking for a little more, he’s finding reasons to back away. My best bet is that he will sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.

So, what are the signs of a commitment-phobe? See if any of these ring a bell for you:

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time. Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

2. You haven’t met each other’s friends, family and/or co-workers.Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won’t know what their work life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends.

3. You haven’t seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room. Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a way-station to shower, change clothes and sleep on those rare occasions they can’t stay with you.

4. He’s attentive and charming when you’re together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

5. He’s a last-minute planner. Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of his normal mode of operation he’s going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he’ll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

6. You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. In Amy’s situation he blamed her for “screwing it up” just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won’t want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you’ve never seen before in him.

7. He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship? If so, share your experience in the comments below. I’ll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

Larry Cappel is a trained relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He can be reached through his website if you’d like to talk about any aspect of your relationship.

I’m here to help. Call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. You can also sign up for my monthly health and wellness bulletin. My passion is to helping people to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

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Why Military Homecomings can be Harder Than Goodbyes

YourTango Experts — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 23:35:20 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr Amy James.

You’ve seen the pictures of men and women of the military rushing off planes and buses to greet their spouses and children. The smiles, the tears, the hugs and the fanfare warm the heart and cause tears to flood the eyes.

But what happens after the cameras are put away? What happens after the homecoming festivities are over? Do things go back to pre-deployment state or are they forever changed?

As a clinical psychologist who served in the United States Air Force, and as the spouse of an active duty Marine, I can personally and professionally report that for many, the homecoming is harder than the goodbye.

Military families are strong and resilient. They are masters at organization and pulling oneself up by the proverbial bootstraps. The spouse left behind when the active duty member deploys becomes “the one.” The one who grocery shops, the one who mows the lawn, the one who gets the children ready for their day and the one who puts them to bed, the one who handles calling the plumber and the cable person, who takes care of the laundry, who fixes the flat tire, who kisses the kids’ boo-boos.

The family remaining at home anxiously awaits a 30-second phone call or two minute Facetime session. They obsessively check their email. They count down the days until they get to once again meet and greet their military loved one, get to witness the fanfare and get to settle back into old routines.

What many do not expect upon homecoming is that old routines are now obsolete. Everyone has fundamentally changed. The military member has been exposed to many life-and-death situations. They have faced a myriad of stressful circumstances. They have closed off part of their emotional abilities in order to get through the deployment.

Meanwhile, the ones who stayed at home have become the one who handles it all. They too have closed off part of their emotional capacity in order to get through the deployment. They have pondered life if their loved ones do not come home. They have experienced a myriad of emotions and stressful situations. They have most likely mastered the most complex of school, work and home schedules.

Pre- and post-deployment briefings discuss the likelihood that becoming reacquainted with loved ones takes time (I distinctly remember one briefing saying 2-3 weeks). They explain the one returning may have trouble sleeping, may appear hypervigilant and may drink to excess to calm down. These briefings (many of which I gave) did not include the fact that when your loved one returns your grocery bill will triple. They did not account for laundry quadrupling. They did not address the process of going from “being the one” to again “being two.” They do not prepare military families for the difficulties in reestablishing bonds and trying to be patient in re-learning one another’s strengths and weaknesses.

They did not account for the mixed feelings of relief your loved one is home, resentment they have a hard time acclimating to being home, and jumping right back into familyhood would be a process … a very long process. Right when you get it to where you want it to be, another deployment happens.

Military families are in a constant state of adjustment. If you, a loved one or friend, find the welcome home is not all it’s cracked up to be, help is available. Military One Source is an excellent resource. Tricare allows for up to eight sessions for military dependents to see a mental health professional without needing a referral.

Many MTFs (military treatment facilities) will authorize the active duty member to be seen off base due to limited availability of service and many prior military providers are now civilians, ready and willing to help. Chaplains and Military Family Life Consultants are available on base. Setting realistic expectations for homecomings will help as well.

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Relationship Tune-Up: How to Stop Your Marriage from Falling Apart

YourTango Experts — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 23:37:27 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Falling in love can be amazing! The excitement of meeting someone new brings out the best in all of us; the journey ahead feels like an open road full of possibility.

But then something happens: Either the relationship starts to feel stale, or perhaps money issues, kids, or trying to figure out a comfortable work-life balance comes into play. Whatever the cause, the initial spark dims or goes out altogether, and the future of your relationship becomes a long and winding road, full of pit stops and flat tires.

Well, don’t worry because this happens to everyone. All it means is that it’s time for a tune-up.

You see, we spend a lot of time and energy finding our perfect mates. By the time we say “I do,” we assume (and fervently hope) that the work is over. The idea of having to spend time working on your marriage may seem strange or even depressing, but it’s worth it! Even if it feels like your whole marriage needs an overhaul, deepening your relationship doesn’t have to be a grueling process. With the right tools, the suffering can end.

One of the best ways to help your marriage is to ensure you’re thinking about it the right way. After working with thousands of couples — and on our own marriage — we’ve distilled some essential truths that help couples keep their relationships fresh as they navigate the life-long experience of growing real love:

1. Conflict is growth trying to happen.

Most people believe that if you’re having problems in your marriage, you’re with the wrong person. So, when conflict gets heated and gnarly, they wonder if it’s time to bail … and it’s not! Rather, if you’re willing to work with the conflict, there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for you right around the corner. The key is learning how to work with conflict creatively – in ways that help both you and your partner grow. Plus, just changing your perspective so that you view conflict as an opportunity, an indicator that it’s time to grow, can help ease the troubles you ‘re having.

2. It’s not him; it’s you.

Ninety percent of the upset you feel with your partner comes from your past. It’s true! So, stop blaming your partner. We know that it’s hard to do — especially when you feel miserable and it seems as though the source of your misery is, well, that annoying person you’re married to. But here’s the thing: We fall head over heels in love with someone who is similar to our parents, which is a mysterious design that holds the potential for deep, abiding connection – once you get past all the squabbling. So, the next time you feel your blood boiling, remind yourself: This feeling has more to do with my past than my partner!

3. A laugh a day keeps the divorce lawyer away.

Sometimes we’re so busy working on our relationships that we actually forget to enjoy them. And what’s the point of doing all of that work if you’re not having fun with your partner? Using humor and joy is critical to a couple’s happiness together. Now, this doesn’t mean you get to dust off your passive-aggressive tendencies and use “humor” to zing your partner with little digs or critiques. What it means is that you have our permission to go out and have fun. So, create fun times together by mixing things up a little. Try dance lessons, improv, a cooking class.

When we decided to bring the fun back into our relationship, we cooked a whole meal together wearing Groucho Marx glasses. Of course we felt silly — and that was the whole point!

4. Want to spice up your relationship? Ditch all negativity!

Why are we so inclined to focus on what’s bad instead of what’s good? Every relationship (including ours, once upon a time) contains at least some negativity, and the amount of negativity in a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of trouble it’s in. Negativity includes any/all words, tone of voice, facial expressions and/or behavior your partner says feels negative to him/her. And yes, rolling your eyes counts.

You see, negativity is like rat poison; nothing can grow in it! So, if you want your relationship to grow, you’ve got to get rid of all negativity. Yes, all of it. We finally did, and in fact, our zero tolerance policy is the single most effective strategy we’ve used to create real love.

These truths can help you become better partners for each other, and to create a marriage full of real, lasting love and a blissful connection.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. are bestselling authors and creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, which is practiced by over 2,000 therapists around the world. Partners in life and work, their newest book Making Marriage Simple distills what they have learned into ten essential and provocative truths about marriage.

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5 Tips For a Drama-Free Divorce

YourTango Experts — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 23:15:28 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Lisa Kaplin.

Divorces always seem to come in one of two packages: slightly amicable or miserably dramatic. Most people prefer the latter, yet are unsure of exactly how to achieve it.

With that in mind, here are a few, useful tips to make your divorce far more pleasant than you originally expected:

1. Leave defensiveness at the door.

Defensive behavior will not only lead you to feeling rotten but will only add to increased tension between you and your soon to be ex. How can you tell if you’ve hit the defensive door? Watch for words like, “no I didn’t” or “you started it” or “that’s not true.” When you find yourself being defensive ask for a time out to get yourself together. Even if your ex is finger pointing, yelling, blaming, etc., don’t do it.

Take the high road. You will never regret calming yourself down but you will regret trying to change his opinion with defensiveness. It’s not going to happen — so let it go.

2. Neither accept nor deny all of the blame for your divorce.

It took two of you to get to this place and it’s extremely important for you to dig deep and own your role in it. On the other hand, don’t be a martyr. You alone did not end your marriage and you both would do best by acknowledging that. Since you have no control over his thoughts or behaviors, take care of your own and take care of yourself.

3. Don’t “dis” your ex to everyone you meet.

First off, it’s rather bad behavior to kiss and tell but more importantly, it means you are hanging on to some really nasty energy that will inevitably only hurt you. Share your thoughts and feelings with either a professional and/or one or two close confidants but not with every person you come across. If the only thing you can think about your ex is highly negative, try not to think about him. Seriously! Stop that nasty repetitive thought, let it slide out of your head and add some positive, happier thoughts about anything but your ex.

4. More importantly, don’t “dis” yourself at all for any reason.

Owning your role in your marital problems is one thing, criticizing and belittling yourself is another and not at all useful. If you find yourself thinking that he stopped loving you due to your appearance, your age, your income, your cooking ability or anything else you can think of, stop it! Stop it right now. What good could possibly come from beating on yourself? If you can’t stop, it’s time to get yourself some help.

5. Use this time to soul search, not to feel sorry for yourself.

Get to know you again or for the very first time. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are you good at and what type of person are you most attracted to? It’s time to not only like but to love yourself first.

A divorce can be a sad time but it can also be the greatest gift you will ever receive. Try to find the joy in life and move forward. “you won’t regret it. A whole new world of adventure awaits you why wait to find it?

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and a psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com She is offering a free teleclass, “3 Revolutionary Ways to Guarantee That You Only Get Divorced Once.” To join her for this class click here: http://smartwomeninspiredlives.com/events/.

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7 Tips on How Not to Let Wedding Fever Ruin Your Relationship

YourTango Experts — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 00:24:52 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Diane Spear, LCSW-R.

Melissa and Tom (whose names have been changed to protect their privacy) argued as they drove to meet their vocal coach.

“Why do you want to sing The Wind Beneath My Wings?” she asked. “It’s such a cliché, and I’ll never hear the end of it from my Dad.”

“You’re not doing much better with that Shania Twain song,” Tom rebutted, “Everyone’s going to hear it and remember that Shania Twain’s husband left her for the assistant. Doesn’t bode well, does it?”

Melissa and Tom were determined to make their June wedding an entertaining event, complete with readings by Melissa’s sisters, both of whom are actresses, and additional music by Tom’s brother, who is a singer/songwriter. Melissa wanted to wear a green dress to symbolize her commitment to environmental issues, but Tom worried that people would think it was strange.

So many details! Should they select chairs by price or comfort? Should they go with freesia or flowers that are more showy? Which kind of champagne should they choose for the toast? Chocolate fountain or Viennese table? And then there are the seating charts.

Tom and Melissa spend their non-working hours fighting about, well, everything wedding-related. Tom is beginning to question whether he really wants to marry Melissa, and Melissa wonders why she never noticed how conventional Tom is. Does he really value his uptight relatives’ opinions about the color of her dress more than he cares about her only opportunity to don her dream dress?

Does their situation sound familiar to you? We’ve all known a Bridezilla or two — women who are so over-the-top about the wedding that they forget about the groom. But what happens to couples that get so lost in wedding planning that they forget to focus on the bigger issue — namely, the marriage that lies ahead?

With that question in mind, here are my “lucky seven” suggestions for getting the focus where it belongs, so that you and your fiancé can get your marriage off to a good start:

1. Relax about the appearances, starting with yourself and your fiance.

This is not the time to drop twenty pounds, become a marathon runner or turn him into a gym rat. My client Emma got engaged to Kurt (both names have been changed), booked a personal trainer for three sessions a week, and began a crash diet. Eight months after the wedding, she came to see me because she wasn’t enjoying her life — just as she hadn’t enjoyed her engagement or her wedding.

Thinking back about her wedding, she said, “I have beautiful wedding pictures, but I wish I’d bagged the trainer and the diet and had fun instead! I was a size zero on my wedding day, and Kurt jokingly referred to me as his incredible shrinking bride. He likes curves, but I was stuck on this idea that if I was the thinnest, blondest bride, I’d be the happiest bride.” She laughs ruefully. “So there I was: the most uptight bride. And poor Kurt! I had him biking thirty miles five days a week to get in shape. Not fun!”

2. The devil is in the details.

Usually that phrase means to pay attention to the details, but if you get stuck in all the wedding details, you’re missing the fun. Is anyone really going to remember whether you had the lavender napkins or the deep purple ones? If they do, that’s their problem! I assure you that beveled edges on the cakestand can’t guarantee a good marriage.

3. Stick to your budget.

Your relationship isn’t going to fail if you get married in a garden or a church instead of a Spanish castle, but regardless of the venue, there are choices all along the way that can either break your budget or respect it. Why start your marriage with the stress of unnecessary debt? The wedding is about your commitment to each other; it’s not proof of your magnificence.

4. Don’t stress over the wedding vows.

Approach your wedding vows as something you want to say to your partner, rather than a proclamation to the world of your love or proof of your brilliance. Steve and Betsy (names changed) spent several weekends camped out at opposite ends of their apartment with writer’s block, trying to compose the perfect wedding vows. Would people think the vows were silly? Were they too emotional? Too unconventional? Too sexist?

I suggested that they talk to each other about what they especially love about each other, something they struggle to accept about each other, and take their vows from that. After all, It’s not for Bartlett’s Quotations; it’s for you and your partner. And since you and your partner are not Tom Hanks winning an Academy Award and using the acceptance speech as a love letter to your partner, take the pressure off and remember that the traditional vows are there for a reason. Alternatively, you can look online for some that fit your style.

5. Think of the reception as a fun party for you to enjoy with your friends and family.

One bride’s father had the idea that the reception should be a cabaret show, and it was his responsibility to keep all the guests entertained. The bride and groom wanted something fun and low-key, not a spectacle that demanded everyone’s attention. They put together a playlist of songs that had meaning for them, ones they knew their older relatives enjoyed, and ones they knew would get people out on the dance floor. They looked at the reception as a fun party, not a place to prove their talent, hipness or anything else.

6. If possible, outsource the planning.

Jane’s mother loves planning parties and was thrilled that Jane and Philip (names changed) gave her the basic idea of what they wanted before turning her loose to be creative. Meanwhile, Eliza and Mark (names changed) couldn’t afford a wedding planner and didn’t have relatives who could pitch in, but they had a group of very talented friends who volunteered to manage the various parts. They gave each friend a budget and free rein.

One friend was a sous chef at a fancy restaurant who volunteered to prepare the food, another one did the flowers, Eliza’s brother sang at the ceremony and had musician friends join him to provide music for the party, and Mark’s sister shot video. If you don’t have a close relative with those talents who’s enthusiastic about taking on the plans, hire a wedding planner.

7. Remember that you and your partner are on the same side!

Your partner may not be as interested in all of the “stuff” as you are, whether it’s registry “stuff” or what type of wedding you have. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong or doesn’t care about you. It just means that he’s not you.

Not everyone has an opinion about everything connected with the wedding. He may be more focused on planning a fun trip and enjoying being together when the whole thing’s done. He may be more interested in marrying you than in being your groom. When you have a difference of opinion or approach, stop and say — aloud, or to yourself — “I think we’ve forgotten we’re on the same team, which is the whole point! Let me do something warm to connect with you.”

These “lucky seven” tips are variations on a theme: It’s the marriage that’s important. If you and your partner can stay on the same side, relax about appearances, compromise and have fun with each other along the way, you’ve learned some of the basics of a satisfying married life!

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Is Depression Contagious?

YourTango Experts — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 22:36:57 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Susan Heitler.

Someone recently asked me about the following:

“My husband has been depressed for months. Now I’m getting depressed, too! Did I catch it from him?”

My answer? Probably. Depression is most certainly contagious.

With that in mind, here are five prominent attributes of depression that make downer moods so easy to catch…

1. The “negative cognitive triad.”

Psychologist Aaron Beck coined the term “negative cognitive triad” to describe three arenas in which depressive thinking is negative. Depressed folks see themselves, others and their futures through dark-colored glasses. For example, Owen was depressed for several months after losing his job. Julie, his wife, felt dragged down by Owen’s constant, negative comments. Owen tried to be more upbeat, but his dialogue was always peppered with self-reproach.

Owen had also become uncharacteristically critical of his wife. As she headed to work feeling good about the way she looked, Owen ended his goodbyes with, “Do you really have to wear so much makeup?” As to his future, Owen would say, “I’m sure I’ll never get another job I love as much as the one I lost.” Eventually, Julie began to agree with him. His bad mood brought her down to his emotional level.

2. Negative energy.

Just walking into a room where Owen was sitting was enough for Julie to feel her energy level sink. Sometimes she avoided talking to him. Even being in the same room with him seemed to let the air out of her proverbial balloon.

3. Social isolation.

Owen seldom left the house. When the family was home, he’d stay in his room, alone with the TV.

Soon, Julie followed suit and became a virtual shut-in. Bringing Owen with her to social gatherings was too painful. She could see that their friends, who used to love Owen, now avoided him. His dark cloud must have appeared contagious to them as well.

For years, Julie and Owen exercised together. When it became too difficult for Julie to convince Owen to run with her anymore, Julie also stopped running. Running was once a way for Julie and Owen to stay in touch with their neighbors, who also were runners.Increasingly, Julie felt cut off, depressed at the loss of her old, fun, casual friendships.

3. Learned helplessness.

Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the depressive phenomenon he labeled “learned helplessness.” When people are seriously depressed, trying to do anything feels overwhelming.

For example, for years, Julie and Owen shared household responsibilities. Eventually, however, Owen seemed to have lost his ability to see what needed to be done and take care of it. He seldom swept the floor no matter how much food the baby had scattered on it. He’d get up from the dinner table and walk into the TV room as if there were no dishes to be cleared from the table.

With all the work of childcare and keeping up a household falling into her lap, Julie felt overwhelmed and helpless.

4. Dominant-submissive interactions.

An episode of depression is usually triggered by a dominant-submissive interaction, like being criticized or told what to do, or by a decision in which someone submissively gives up on what they wanted. Owen had known for a while that the hostile relationship he had with his boss was likely to get him fired. One final flare-up did the tric, and Owen was the clear loser.

As Owen’s depression continued, his wife became wary of doing anything that might make it worse. This concern led her to say “Yes” far too often when she really wanted to say “No” — “Yes, I can clean up the kitchen;” “Yes, I’ll cancel our plans to go out with friends.”

Each time Owen and Julie made a decision together where one had to concede something of importance to him/her, more depression was the by-product.

5. It’s treatable.

The good news is that depression is highly treatable. Psychotherapy, medications or both can make a significant difference. My experience as a therapist has clarified that couples therapy and/or a marriage education program is particularly high-impact for depressed people who are in ongoing relationships. Recovery brings light back into your life. The main goal of all therapy for depression is for internal feelings of empowerment, optimism and positive energy to return, lifting depression’s dark cloud for everyone.

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, an interactive website that teaches the skills for marriage success.

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Fear of Commitment? Ideas that May Help

YourTango Experts — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 22:42:29 +0000

This guest article from YourTango was written by Moushumi Ghose.

I have a good friend who hasn’t had a girlfriend in the ten years that I’ve known him.

He and I talk a lot about sex and relationships, and half of the time, he cannot keep a straight face, almost like a teenager, embarrassed by our honest, mature conversations. Other times, we have these very insightful conversations about love, life and relationships. We talk about the breakdown of monogamy in modern society and the fallacy of marriage — things I love to discuss.

Recently he admitted that he’s afraid of letting his guard down, afraid of rejection, afraid of getting his heart broken into pieces, of liking someone more than she likes him. We always talk about the downsides of relationships, but the bottom line is that while I have been in relationships for the last 20 years, he has been single for at least 12.

He is afraid of relationships for very different reasons than I’ve ever been. Historically, I’ve been afraid of losing my independence or yielding to someone who takes the relationship and me for granted too soon. He is afraid of rejection. I guess it’s the same difference, though. I guess we have all been reluctant to trust others at some time in our lives.

But then, more was revealed. I surmised that he went for the less attractive girls to boost his self esteem so he wouldn’t get rejected. He agreed. He admitted he would give girls his number despite having no intention of ever following up, except perhaps for sex. His fear of commitment is actually a fear of rejection. Deep down he would love to be loved, appreciated and understood, but he fears rejection from the girls he is most attracted to.

So instead, he throws little bits out there to the ones he is really attracted to but then runs away, thereby avoiding rejection. He flirts and gives his phone numbers to girls he has no intention of calling, unless its just for sex. He says he is happy being single, and for the most part he really truly is. Because single is safe. Single is free. Single is fun. And, in his case, single has the upper hand.

He has also said that when he falls for someone, he falls really hard, and he doesn’t want to be the one who falls harder than the other. He’s afraid of losing himself, afraid of losing control, afraid of losing the upper hand, afraid of rejection and, in return, he gets his needs met by having one-night stands and “f*ck buddies,” no-strings-attached and “friends with benefits” scenarios.

I call this a fear of commitment — and he is not alone. Fear of commitment is just a self-protective mechanism, a tough exterior, a mask made for the manliest of men (and lotsa ladies too) to hide from and — in some case — bury the sensitive, vulnerable side which ultimately must reveal itself in order to fully give and receive love in a way that truly matters.

Fear of commitment also happens within relationships where one or both partners hold back, refuse to give themselves fully, always wearing their protective shields. What an uncomfortable place to be, I think. What a lonely, empty space. Sure, being vulnerable is scary but there is relief in finally letting your guard down.

Dealing With Your Fear of Commitment

How do I deal with my fear of commitment? It’s not an easy journey; it’s not something that changes overnight, but with conscious efforts , we can get closer to letting go, closer to surrender. After all, a fear of commitment is nothing more than a fear of letting oneself go.

This list is not exhaustive and is not just for him; it’s for me and everyone else who has held back whether in a relationship or outside of one. This is for everyone who wants a real, supportive, loving relationship that fosters growth and independence, which fosters staying in the present, kindness, safety and peace and ultimately a relationship which really and truly works for you.

1. Stop asking for phone numbers from girls you don’t intend to call.

This is so dishonest. Your self-protective, scared-to-death ego with all its games and masks have got the real you buried so deep under all that muck that if the real thing came and knocked on your door, you’d be too messed up to see it or know it. For everyone else, this means recognizing all the behaviors you do to make yourself feel good in the moment, which really don’t serve you any real purpose in the end, than perhaps breaking a bunch of hearts or making yourself unhappy.

2. Stop lying to yourself.

What are you telling yourself versus what is going on in a deeper level? Do you constantly compare yourself to your friends in relationships and size them up and compare your single life to theirs? What purpose does this serve? Are you building a case? Are you doing this solely to make yourself feel better? What do their relationships mean to you? Everyone’s idea of relationships may be different.

I recognize many people follow the crowd when it comes to monogamous relationships. I tend to feel suffocated by the expectations based on societal assumptions. And while this may work for many other people, it doesn’t work for me, and that is okay. This doesn’t mean you have to disregard relationships all together. Yes, this may mean finding a partner for you is more of a challenge but that is quite a different thing than just saying, “I love being single,” if it’s only half true. Finding the relationships that work for you may just mean recognizing that you can work towards creating what works for you. It doesn’t just happen.

3. Get your self-esteem boost in ways that don’t involve other people’s feelings.

Go to the gym, write a book, join an art class, what are you good at? What do you love to do? Get out there and do it. Whether people accept you or reject you doesn’t change who you are. If what people think about you is something you struggle with, then you a lot less likely to let go. The irony of this is that you are the most critical judge. So judge yourself on the things you do have control of.

4. Take care of yourself.

This means eating healthy, possibly avoiding alcohol, drugs, caffeine or sugar, getting exercise, getting fresh air, spending time with caring, kind individuals and, most of all, relaxing.

When you meet someone interesting and you are not catering to your ego, your lies, your self protective mechanisms and games of shunning all relationships, when you are working on yourself to get what you need, you will naturally be more relaxed, more creative, more of a problem-solver, more at ease and less worried about clinging to your walls. You’re more likely to smile and be yourself.

Moushumi Ghose is a Los Angeles based Sex Therapist. Please visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com. She is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon. Moushumi is the co-host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to sex, dating, and relationships.

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