May is Mental Health Awareness Month. We will go to the doctor for a physical checkup, but how many of us engage in a mental health checkup? The goals of my process, InsideOut Empowerment, provide us with ten things we can do to improve our well-being and increase our happiness.

1. Assess the strength of your needs while learning to obtain the proper amounts for happiness. We all have five basic human needs — connection, freedom, significance, survival and enjoyment. While we share that in common, the strength of our needs vary. So for example, one person may be high in connection and enjoyment, while another person might be high in significance and freedom. The key to happiness is to engage in behavior that brings you the precise amount of each need you want. Having too little leaves you feeling deprived and having too much can leave you feeling over-saturated.

2. Understand and take responsibility for your choices. You have choices in every situation. You may not have any “good” choices or choices you like, but there are choices nonetheless. You are doing whatever you’re doing because you chose it, not because someone forced you. You may be doing it to keep your job, please a loved one or to save your life … but you are choosing it. When you let go of the victim mentality and embrace the choice aspect of all you do, you will feel empowered.

3. Make the connection between your behavior and your progress or lack thereof. We often look to outside “causes” for our success — or lack thereof — and forget to look at what we, ourselves, are doing or not doing to move us toward our goals. When you begin to take charge of your own outcomes instead of giving that power to others, you will feel much happier.

4. Understand the power of your perception and how to change it. We often make up stories about people and events in our lives that have nothing to do with the facts of the situation. They are simply our interpretation. Your interpretation can cause you great unnecessary turmoil. If your perception isn’t serving you, change it! Make up a better, happier, more generous story.

5. Find the balance in all things. Everything that happens to you has equal positive and negative qualities; a ying and a yang, pros and cons. The problem is our perception again. We tend to label things as good or bad, positive or negative, painful or pleasurable. The truth is, both sides are always present. It just depends on where you place your focus. Seeing both sides equally will improve your mental health.

6. Distinguish and choose between what feels good right now and what will feel even better later. We often engage in a battle of what we want right now versus what we really want. As a general rule, those who can delay gratification achieve greater satisfaction than those who always indulge themselves in the moment. But there is another option. See #7.

7. Expanding either/or thinking to a both/and approach. In our Western culture, we often tell ourselves that we must choose between two options. But I say, “Why not have both?” Now, I do realize sometimes there really is a dilemma and a person must choose, but those times occur less frequently than you think if you begin to ask yourself, “How can I have/do/be both?”

8. Uncover your self-sabotage, while learning to minimize its hold on you. We all have some negative thoughts about ourselves that were installed in our psyche before we were old enough to distinguish fact from fiction. The fact that these negative thoughts most often came from those you trusted made it even harder to dispute. However, if you want to succeed at your goals, then you must bring your self-sabotage out from the dark of the subconscious to the light of day where you can examine its veracity. If you determine it simply isn’t true (and it usually isn’t), then you can let it go. Don’t attempt to “do battle” with the ideas, as this gives them more importance than they deserve.

9. Accept others exactly as they are. They aren’t likely to change — or at least not because you want them to — so you are only frustrating yourself with the effort. Know that everyone has one life to live in this go around and gets the option to spend it however they choose. If you don’t like the way a particular person is choosing to live his or her life, then limit your involvement with that person. Stop trying to get people to change to fit who you want them to be.

10. Move toward your goals at a pace that is challenging, yet doable, for you. When you set goals that are too easy, you can become bored. But on the other hand, if you make it too difficult, you may give up. Finding the right pace for you is essential to your success.

Take these ten steps and get your mental health tune up today!

Your mindset is everything when it comes to helping you find love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love, overall. Love is a state of mind that either is or isn’t something you cultivate.

Wikipedia defines mindset as:

A set of assumptions, methods or notations held by one or more people, that creates a powerful incentive within these people or groups to continue to adopt or accept prior behaviors, choices, or tools.

Your mindset is how you approach the world. If you let it run wild, it will compel you to make the same choices over and over again. No one is exempt from having a mindset. We all have one. It’s like a filter through which you perceive your reality.

Your mindset, like a bad habit, has a shadow side. The shadow is devious and makes it tough for us to see that we have any particular mindset at all. It tricks us into believing that ”it’s just the way we think.” No big deal.

If you’re having trouble in your romantic life, it’s time to see if your mindset needs an adjustment. If you think your mindset might be causing problems, you have the power to change it. Like breaking any habit, it demands a great amount of effort and determination.

Answer the following three questions to see if your mindset is on the right track to finding love:

1. Have you created the right environment to attract love?

How you set up your life and personal space will tell you a lot. If you don’t pay attention to how you’re living and what you come home to at night, you aren’t “setting the stage” for the love you want.

Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Make it a priority to always be around things that you consider beautiful. Your bedroom should be restful and inviting. Your home space should be free of clutter. Changing your home environment will change your energy and create a new mindset towards love.

2. Are you surrounding yourself with people who support you?

If you’re not seeking out positive, supportive people in your life, you will feel overwhelmed. None of us can do it alone. Regardless of how strong you think you are, we all need outside input and camaraderie to remind us that we are valuable and special people.

If you spend time with friends who love to gossip and complain, this negativity will rub off on you. These kinds of interactions support a mindset of being a victim to outside circumstances. You must find people who have a positive outlook on life and love. Surround yourself with people who see you as the wonderful person you are.

3. Do you take courageous action on your own behalf?

As women, we were not really taught the value of courage. Courage was something reserved for boys. But, being fully committed to loving someone and being vulnerable (which true love requires) demands that you have courage.

It’s not easy to trust another human being with your deepest self. It can feel risky. A romantic relationship will require you to have the courage to face the ups and downs of life. Other courageous actions you will need to take include speaking up for yourself, honoring your boundaries and telling the truth.

Your mindset to find love will change as you take action. It will be your greatest ally to help you find your perfect partner.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Danielle Dowling. 

You went on a first date with an amazing man. You thought you looked great in that dress. You’re pretty sure that he found the stories about your dog hilarious. You’re certain that he didn’t notice you got a little tipsy on all those cocktails.

The problem is that he doesn’t call. Or text. Or email. So, you decide to call your girlfriends to dissect every single thing he said and every single thing you did. Why didn’t he ask you out again?

According to the men in my life, here are the top ten reasons why your first date with him ended up being your last…

1. It’s too easy to get into bed. Men love it when you’re crazy hot for them. The issue is that nobody wants to feel like they’re being used for sex or that anybody “with the right parts will do.” Some men separate women into camps of “one night stands” and “girlfriend material.” Though it’s not necessarily fair, those ladies who are quick to bed sometimes end up in the former.

2. You’re not sexually compatible. Maybe there’s a bit of canoodling on that first date. Or, at least enough to figure out where each of you fall on the continuum of sexuality. Maybe you kiss or move in a way that doesn’t quite work for him. Maybe you can’t relax or he can’t leave the lights on. Maybe you want it a little rough and he wants things soft and tender. Neither of you are “doing it wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.

   Some men like little skinny women. Some men like their curves. I highly recommend that you be with a man who likes your body the way it already is. Not if you lose a few or gain a few. Women need to feel desired. A part of us dies if we don’t feel sexually appealing. Your body type may not do it for him and he’s doing you a favor by not asking you again. Find the man who wants to wrap himself up in your deliciousness without you having to change a single thing.

3. He thinks you’re not into him. If you’re not particularly interested in a guy, there’s a pretty good chance he can tell. If you are interested in him, stop playing so “hard to get!” Shockingly enough, men have feelings too and he’s not going to ask you out again if he imagines he’s going to get rejected.
4. He doesn’t like the way you talk. Your friends think it’s hilarious when you pepper your speech with “omg!” and “sad face!” but this man might not be into it. It’s also possible that he’s not into baby voices, excessive swearing or the twenty minute rant about Ron Paul. If you think you’re alienating men with your conversational skills, ask a close guy friend for his honest opinion.
5. Your senses of humor and interests are incompatible.  He loves It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. You think it’s crass and mean-spirited. You love hiking through the great outdoors and he’s afraid of trees and fresh air. Again, neither of you are “wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.
6. You were critical of him. There’s a difference between playfully teasing a man and being mean. If you’re not sure where that line is, lean towards the side of sweet. If he teases you about your taste in light beers, you can hassle him about eating all the fries. A first date is not the time to make snide comments about his haircut, the neighborhood he lives in, his job or where he went to school.
7. You were bossy. Aren’t you cold? That’s not a very healthy thing to order. Will you hold my purse? Haven’t you had enough to drink? Do yourself a favor and keep the demanding remarks to yourself.
8. You have completely different ideas about manners and social discourse. You over-tip, hand write notes, remember everyone’s name and know which fork to use for each course. He thinks all of that is uptight rubbish. Again, both of your views are perfectly valid, but you’re probably better suited for someone else.
9. You made him share the bed with your three dogs.  The world is full of cat people. And dog people. And hamster people. If you love your dog and he doesn’t, find someone who does.
10. Your lifestyle doesn’t match his. You’re a powerhouse executive who only has Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings open for dating. Truth is some men want a more traditional, stay at home woman. The other half of them find your career prowess incredibly sexy. Look for that man. He will clear every Wednesday happy hour and Saturday morning brunch just for you.

I know it can be heart breaking when someone doesn’t ask you out again. You want a man who loves dogs, 47-minute political rants and the way you fill out your True Religion jeans.

Wait for the man that loves you just the way you are. Trust me. It’s definitely worth the wait.

Relationships are rarely smooth sailing. Like life itself, relationships provide us with a lot of shelter during the storm, but sometimes they are the storm.

My wife and I recently celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this, I decided to share my list of the top ten things I have learned in 36 years, in no particular order.

Click through to read these tips, and hopefully you’ll find some wisdom you can apply to your own relationship.

1. We’ve grown up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it’s these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, our relationship has grown.

2. We’ve changed with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty-nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.
3. Life comes in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy, you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.
4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.
5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage is our shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.
6. It isn’t always easy to tell the truth. Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same for me.

   What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is sensitive to. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.

8. Your presence is the best gift. The primary question in every intimate relationship is, “Are you really there for me?” Being present, paying attention, and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here.” One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.
9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.
10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.

Every relationship is unique of course, but I have noticed as a coach that these principles apply to all of us. Look in the mirror at yourself and your own marriage and see if some of these fit for you. Take the long view on your marriage and you will find your way!

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. When you find the man who’ll be beside you every day, it impacts every aspect of your life. So, when I see women who approach finding their “soulmate” with so little concern about it’s true importance, I feel overwhelming frustration.

They meet and date perfectly good men, men who want to be in a committed relationship; but then they treat these men as if they were nothing special, as if there were plenty more where they came from. They make the same mistakes with men over and over again, get the same results, and are in complete denial about their own behavior. This tells me they don’t take themselves or dating seriously enough.

I’ve also seen women transform into adolescent girls when they date; they have no regard for consequences. When they do this they diminish themselves and of course get less than spectacular results with men. How can you stop sabotaging your dates and give looking for love the importance it needs?

Here are the three most common mistakes you may be making…

1. You break your own rules.

How many times have you changed your mind on a date and let yourself be persuaded to break your own rules? The rule I see women break the most often is about when to have sex. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve determined that you won’t go to bed with a man until you both agree to be monogamous.

You’ve promised yourself not to sleep with a man who is also sleeping with other women. But, as soon as you begin to date a man you’re attracted too, you get caught up in the moment and like an impressionable young girl, you give in. You get intimate too soon with a man you could really care about. It changes everything and you’ve hardly gotten to know each other. Breaking this rule rarely works out in the long run.

Here are some other rules you might find yourself breaking:

• You pursue him instead of being patient
• You give more attention to him than he’s giving to you
• You lose yourself and make his needs more important than your own

2. You don’t fix what’s not working.

Human beings tend to like the familiar. We have a comfort zone we find hard to leave unless we’re really pushed. Life-changing experiences like illness or a car accident will propel you to make new and daring choices. But when life is just going along as usual, you can get lazy and avoid making the changes you need to be more successful with men.

One example is the fear of “making waves” in a relationship. Instead of speaking up for yourself, which can be a real challenge, you’ll go with the flow to keep the peace. Or if you’re used to having your guard up around men, you don’t risk being hurt by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You just stick to being the way you’ve always been because it’s easier than facing the fear of the change you need to make.

3. You haven’t handled your subconscious sabotage.

We all have subconscious sabotage; it keeps us eating too much, buying what we don’t need and pushing good men away. Yet, it’s something you can change once you become aware of it. The subconscious controls your habitual ways of being in relationships. For example, it will show up as a lack of self-worth or confidence, which makes it hard for you to set boundaries.

You have to recognize what the habitual thoughts are that aren’t working for you and change them. When a subconscious belief that is hurting you is made conscious (when you become aware of it) it will get “neutralized” and no longer “run you.” There are many ways to get at your subconscious beliefs, but three excellent ones are hypnotherapy, coaching, and guided imagery.

Looking for love is a serious business. If you’re really serious about looking for love, you have to take the bull by the horns and do these three things. They will require courage. You have to stop breaking your own rules, change the things you do that you know aren’t working, and finally, find out how you’ve been subconsciously sabotaging your relationships.

If you take your search for a good man seriously and do these 3 things — when you find him, you’ll know exactly what to do to keep him.

Well, it’s official. There is now absolutely zero reason to be eating fast food whatsoever! For those of you who always knew that fast food wasn’t healthy but ate it anyway because it made you feel happy, I have some unfortunate news.

A recently published study in the Journal Of Public Health Nutrition showed that people who ate hot dogs, hamburgers, and pizza were 51% more likely to suffer from depression than those who rarely or never ate the stuff. Yikes!

Do you get what that means? It means that your Happy Meal might not be making you very happy. In fact, the food that you may have been turning to when you were feeling sad, lonely, or depressed is actually contributing to those feelings.

How can this be?

After all, eating junky food is supposed to give you comfort and cheer you up, isn’t it? Who hasn’t turned to pizza and ice cream after a bad break-up? Who hasn’t eaten a whole basket of fries when you felt lonely?

Well, this brings me to one of my favorite analogies: You can’t fill the bathtub by running the kitchen sink. Bear with me for a moment, won’t you?

Whether you want to call it “emotional eating” or “eating your feelings” or “medicating with food,” the truth is that many of us use food for reasons other than nourishing our cells.

We celebrate with food, we mourn with food, and we often turn to food when things just aren’t going our way. We have grown very accustomed to using food as an antidote to our emotions.

There are two reasons we do this to ourselves:

1. It kinda, sorta works.

We’re not totally misguided here. Fast food and junk food is loaded (I mean, loaded) with sugar, fat, and salt, which really do change your brain chemistry. These substances — sugar, fat, and salt — really will make you feel ‘happy’ in a chemical sense. There is evidence showing that sugar has the same effect on your brain as cocaine! 

So, if you eat food with a heaping dose of sugar, fat, and salt (like fast food) you will most definitely get a temporary, fleeting “hit” of faux happiness. The same would be true if you took a hit of heroin, but who thinks that that is a good way to manage your feelings?

2. Sad feelings and hunger are easy to confuse.

Think about it. When you feel sad or angry or lonely, there’s a certain gnawing in your gut. It feels empty and hollow — like something needs to be filled up.

Feelings of physical hunger — when your body is actually asking for food — can also feel like a churning emptiness. The sensations are similar. We run into trouble, though, when we can’t distinguish between our emotions and just needing a sandwich.

This brings me to my analogy. Trying to soothe your feelings by eating fast food and pastries is like trying to fill up your bathtub by running the kitchen sink. It’s never going to happen. One has nothing to do with the other. The plumbing is totally unrelated!

If you are sad and depressed, no amount of waffle fries is going to change that. Feelings need a voice. They need to be expressed and heard and processed.

Feelings don’t know what to do with a box of donut holes, which is partly why it’s possible to eat so many of them and still feel “hungry” (their lack of nutritional value is also a factor!).

This is why the results of this new study are even more worrisome. People are turning to this highly processed, commercially produced fast-food that is drowning in sugar, fat, and salt in part because they are looking for the “quick fix” of that fleeting chemical high.

But, in reality, the after-effects of such cheap and poor-quality food is leading them down the road to depression. It’s going to become an endless cycle unless we take a few important steps to stop it in its tracks.

• Eat real food

  Whole food that hasn’t been processed to death will give your body the actual nourishment it needs to function and feel satisfied. There is a difference between feeling “full” and actually feeling “satisfied” by your meal.

  Choose whole grains, beans, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds — food that looks like it did when it came out of the ground or off a tree — and you can’t help but experience a new level of satisfaction and nourishment that is easy to recognize.

• Avoid excess sugar, salt, and fat whenever possible

  What’s considered “excess”? Well, you might not like the answer but, the truth is that your body only needs about 8 tsps of sugar a day to function. That’s about two small pieces of whole fruit. Anything beyond that would be excess! You also only need about 1 tsp of salt per day.

  To give you an idea, just one single slice of pizza contains a little more than 1 tsp of salt! As for fat, your body does require fat in order to function, but, ideally, no more than 12-20% of your daily calories ought to come from fat. Many fast food items are more than 50% fat in and of themselves!

• Know the difference between your emotions and physical hunger

  Don’t try to fill your bathtub by running the kitchen sink. If you are sad or angry or lonely, then you need to deal with those emotions in an honest, healthy way.

  Cry, express yourself, confront the person who has hurt you, or reach out to a professional coach or therapist to help you handle your feelings in a way that serves you. Learn how to recognize your body’s actual hunger signals, eat good food when you’re hungry, and stop when you’re satisfied.

What do you think about all this?
Do you turn to food when you’re feeling sad, happy, or lonely? Do you think it really helps? I’d love to hear from you on this one!

It comes as to no surprise to me that a recent major study confirms that education of couples about marital relationships and family life improves the chances of a happy and fulfilling marriage.

After grad school, I was the director of family life education for a large Philadelphia counseling agency. Through working there, I learned how much couples enjoy learning about relationship challenges both together and as individuals.

I learned that young couples who grow up in homes where they see, feel and experience their parents’ fulfilling lives together have a much better chance of creating their own happy marriages. Life is just easier for them from minute one of marital life.

I noticed that those couples who grew up with rage, distance or contempt between their parents had a far harder time living with depth, commitment and harmony. Plus, they did not have a clue about how to handle disagreements and how to express their anger. Often, minor difficulty resulted in out-of-hand arguments that doomed the life of a healthy marriage.

In the family life education courses and seminars, I have continued to teach topics such as control, communication, intimacy and sexual fulfillment. I have also focused on various challenges that couples go through together in different chapters of their lives. In addition, I made it a point to teach couples when to know that counseling is necessary. I also explained when to know that a relationship could benefit from what I call an “intermission,” and when an “intermission” should lead to a divorce.

Here’s my take on control, communication, intimacy and the stages of marriage in a nutshell:

Control: This is a killer of relationships. Controlling partners who dictate what their partner must and must not do at all times can cause unhappy marriages. These type of controlling partners withhold love and affection if they do not get what they expect and make a fulfilling life impossible.

Communication: To be successful, marriage must include some give, some take and some compromise. Sometimes things are one way and sometimes another. Sometimes, couples must find a whole new way to do something, one that they each and both can agree on.

Intimacy: In some homes, closeness and intimacy is frowned upon as unnecessary and “show offy.” It is only when couples learn that it is important to be tender and kind to each other that true, natural and easy intimacy can become part of an ongoing life.

Stages of Marriage: In each of these stages, when horrible fights cannot be avoided, counseling is truly necessary. Here is what should happen at each of the four stages of marriage:

1. In the first stage, the couple must shift their loyalties from their parents to their partners, who must become number one to each other. This does not mean that a couple no longer values or spends time with parents but that parents are no longer the most important family members to them. The parents cannot be the most important or necessary intimacy and devotion to a partner cannot develop.

2. In the second stage, if the couple has children, their loyalty and devotion is extended to them as the couple learns to balance these responsibilities with work responsibilities inside and outside of their homes. If they are successful, sadness and injustices are eased by the family love that is created and maintained.

3. This third stage involves the growing up of children and how this in dealt with. This stage also involves any difficulties with health in the immediate and extended family (which could have come earlier also, of course). In this period, parents work very hard so that communication and time for close sharing between the couple and the entire family can be maintained.

4. The fourth stage involves the challenges and adjustments when sons and daughters are at the age of leaving home. Of course, in this financial climate, many sons and daughters cannot leave. This is a challenge in its own right.

5. The fifth stage five involves the changes in life as a couple ages or deals with devastating illness or death.

Sometimes time apart, or what my clients and I call an “intermission,” as counseling continues can help a couple to become close once again. Couples usually know for themselves when divorce is necessary. If children are involved, continuing counseling can help a couple hold onto the determination that their children must suffer as little as possible for this decision.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Margaret Paul.

“Science has finally confirmed what anyone who’s ever been in love already knows: Heartbreak really does hurt.” —  CNN Health 

In a new study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers have found that the same brain networks that are activated when you’re burned by hot coffee also light up when you think about a lover who has spurned you.

In other words, the brain doesn’t appear to firmly distinguish between physical pain and intense emotional pain. Heartache and painful breakups are “more than just metaphors,” says Ethan Kross, Ph.D., the lead researcher and an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor.

Heartbreak might even hurt more than being burned by coffee. While no one wants to be physically burned, most people are far more focused on having  control over not experiencing the pain of heartbreak than the pain of a coffee burn.

The interesting thing to me is that most people have no problem treating themselves with  kindness and caring if they are physically hurt, but they have a hard time bringing that same level of compassion to themselves if they are emotionally hurt. Still, a broken heart needs even more gentleness and tenderness than a physical burn.

What Do You Do When Your Heart Is Broken?

Most people have learned many addictive ways of avoiding feeling the pain of their broken heart. As Alexander, a client of mine, told me in a phone session, “I hadn’t smoked for years, but I’ve been smoking since my wife left me for another man six years ago. I can’t seem to stop.”

Alexander will not be able to stop smoking until he is willing to feel the burning pain of his broken heart — with deep kindness and compassion toward himself. Smoking is not the only addiction Alexander turns to. Alexander is constantly judging himself for the choices he made during his marriage. As bad as his guilt and shame feel, he prefers these feelings to feeling the loneliness, heartbreak, and helplessness over his wife that lie under his smoking and self-judgments.

When You Feel Lonely And Heartbroken, Do You: 

• Overeat, eat junkfood, smoke, drink too much, or take drugs?

• Go on spending sprees?
• Guilt and shame yourself with self-judgments?
• Get angry and blame others, and persist in seeing yourself as a victim?
• Space out in front of the TV?
• Turn to Internet sex and pornography?
• Get overly busy with work and other activities?
• Turn to process addictions such as gambling or video games?

While Alexander’s addictions work for the moment to pacify his pain, what they really do is prolong his suffering, which is why he started to work with me. Alexander had never learned how to embrace his heartbreak — with the caring and kindness he needed — to allow the feelings to move through him.

Because Alexander had avoided opening up to and fully digesting his painful feelings, they were stuck in the muscles of his body, causing his back to go into spasms, which was causing a pinched nerve.

The truth is that painful feelings — even heartbreak — move through our bodies and are released far more quickly when we embrace them than when we avoid them with our various addictions. In order for our feelings to flow through us rather than get stuck in our muscles causing further pain, they need to be attended to with compassion for ourselves. This means we need to embrace them with gentleness, tenderness, caring, kindness and understanding. This is what allows our feelings to be fully felt, digested and released.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Susan Dutton Freund.

The Centers for Disease Control recently released a study (PDF) that examines data from first marriages for men and women ages 15 to 44. The data was collected from 2006 to 2010 by the National Survey of Family Growth with 22,682 respondents. The Associated Press promptly released a story with the headline, “Move In Before Marriage No Longer Predicts Divorce.”

But, that’s not exactly what the study shows.

Instead, the study underlined what previous studies have also shown — that moving in together before marriage might or might not predict divorce. The differentiating factor is whether or not you moved in with an expectation of a long-term commitment similar to marriage.

People who are either formally or informally engaged and those who plan to spend the rest of their lives together do not have an increased risk of divorce.

Those who move in for other reasons do face an increased risk.

At first glance, the risk doesn’t seem so much higher. A woman had a 60 percent chance that her marriage would last fifteen years if she either didn’t cohabit with her husband or was already engaged when they moved in. If no firm marriage commitment was made, the likelihood fell to 53 percent.

No big deal, right? Think about it. Do all couples who move in together go on to get married? Usually not. In fact, according to one researcher at The Ohio State University, only about 40 percent of cohabiting couples ever marry.

Another interesting tidbit from the new Centers for Disease Control study is, “If entry into any type of union, marriage or cohabitation is taken into account then the timing of a first union occurs at roughly the same point in the life course as marriage did in the past.”

In other words, we’re hooking up at the same age, just not marrying. Some follow the old-fashioned course and don’t live with anyone until marriage. Their risk of divorce in the first fifteen years is 40%. It’s the same for those who only live together with their intended spouse and then enter into their first marriage.

But of all those who live together, only 40 percent will marry. And, if their philosophy going into it is to just test the waters, their risk of divorce in the first fifteen years is 47 percent.

It seems like it comes back to the same lesson we often teach in our relationship classes. Decide! Don’t slide.

While some people are inappropriately labeled “sex addicts” — providing a blanket excuse for all kinds of irresponsible sexual behavior — others truly suffer from uncontrollable sexual impulses, or sex addiction.

Someone with sex addiction isn’t just someone who loves sex. The main symptoms of sex addiction include a loss of control, failed attempts to stop unwanted sexual behavior, and a pattern of negative consequences from anxiety to depression and legal problems.

Here are some quick facts about sex addiction you may not know…

8 Quick Facts on Sex Addiction

1. It is common among those with Bipolar Disorder to engage in high-risk sexual activities during manic states.
2. People with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in unsafe sexual activities as a general pattern of self-injurious behavior.
3. Often those with severe identity confusion regarding their own sexual orientation engage in compulsive sexual behavior.
4. People with sexual disorders like exhibitionism, pedophilia and severe fetishes require much more than sex addiction treatment since their behavior victimizes others. Not all are sex addicts; some are antisocial personalities.
5. Victims of childhood sexual abuse often repeat pattern of abuse in a subconscious attempt to gain control over their childhood trauma. People in this category generally suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder.
6. Adolescents and young adults who are intellectually delayed can develop a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior, as a result of not having developed an accurate understanding of healthy sexuality. People with Asperger’s Syndrome may be at greater risk of exhibiting out-of-control sexual behaviors.
7. Substance abusers frequently develop
   sexually addictive behavior in one of two ways. Either the problem develops while they are abusing stimulants, or when they quit using drugs, sexual addiction develops as a sort of substitute addiction.
8. Those with Dependent Personality Disorder, or love addiction, can become sexually addicted as well. Love addicts use sex to get love and can base their entire identity on the relationship, thus becoming totally dependent on that person.

What Can Be Done About Sex Addiction?

When a couple enters therapy, and one partner exhibits uncontrollable sexual impulses, the betrayed partner often feels victimized and asks me “fix it.” Usually, both partners believe that responsibility lies solely with the partner who  has acted out sexually. Unfortunately, for the relationship to survive one partner’s sex addiction, they both have to work for it.

While the sexually addicted partner must assume responsibility for his behavior in order to regain the trust of his partner, the victimized partner must learn how to trust him again, which is never easy. However, with patience and commitment, it can be done.

Through psychotherapy and 12-Step work, partners of sex addicts often discover why their own personal psychology drew them to a partner with sexual addiction. Often women who were sexually abused as little girls gravitate towards sex addicts later in life. It may seem counter-intuitive, but an overly-sexualized child has confused sexual boundaries and may not even realize that the behaviors associated with sex addiction are unhealthy.

For sex addicts, the main focus of therapy is to help them identify effective ways to stop the unhealthy behavior patterns. Shame associated with sexual addiction can be a dangerous trigger for the disease. Twelve-step programs like ‘sex addicts anonymous’ and group therapy are the most effective ways to reduce shame and heal from sex addiction.

It can also be helpful to understanding the psychology behind sexual behavior, something I call “cracking the erotic code.” Everyone has a sexual narrative. Uncovering the non-sexual meanings of our fantasies and behaviors can help us identify our needs — allowing sex addicts to find alternative sources of satisfaction and allowing their partners to feel compassion, empathy and understanding instead of frustration, sadness and anger.

For more information…

• Who is a sex addict?

• Hypersexuality: The Symptoms of Sexual Addiction

This guest article from YourTango was written by Gerti Schoen. 

Introverts often have a more difficult time with social interactions than others. This is especially true when it comes to dating. Just talking with other people can be a challenge for many introverts. It’s no surprise then that the thought of actually talking to someone who might be a future partner can send an introvert into a tailspin.

Here are a few quick dating tips for the introvert that may help.

1. Fess up.

Don’t pretend to be a social butterfly. There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Tell your date if you are someone who seeks friendship first or needs time to fall in love. You may scare away a few flakes, and instead attract people who will really appreciate you.

2. Meet at places where you feel comfortable.

If you don’t like loud bars, don’t go there. Often introverts are also people-pleasers, and they will do what they think is asked of them even if they suffer. Find a place that makes you feel comfortable: a laid back coffee shop perhaps, or a park.

Also, consider taking your date out for a walk with your dog, or to meet with mutual friends. You’ll at least then have an ally who will be there for you whatever happens.

3. Avoid smooth talkers.

In a relationship, you need to be heard. If your date won’t allow you to get a word in edgewise,  it’s not the right person for you.

4. Look for subtle connections.

Sometimes we get so flooded by first impressions and things to look out for, it’s difficult to just feel what it’s like to sit with this person. Do you like being there? Or does it feel crowded, overwhelming, or make you nervous? Make sure you actually enjoy hanging out with your date.

5. Beware of takers.

Introverts are often givers. We listen, pay attention, and want to be there for the other. Make sure you get to be on the receiving end of the equation. If you have to ask repeatedly for romantic gestures or to be included, this is what you sign up for down the road.

Should I stay or should I go?

If your marriage is on the line and you’re considering divorcing your spouse, you may have had some of the following thoughts:

I feel like I need to end this so-called marriage. Yet, how can I be sure? / Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others / A part of me still loves and/or cares for him. / I don’t think I am in love with him but what if I make a mistake? / Many people will be affected by my decision. / Maybe I’m being too hasty. / If only he would just change his behavior …

Or, maybe your spouse wants a divorce. In that case, you’ve probably had some of the following thoughts:

Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago, we were talking about going on a vacation! / I had no idea our marriage was this awful./ I am shocked and devastated./ I have to find a way to stop this. / Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal.

Many books and articles assume that once a couple says they want a divorce, they are truly ready for it. However, that’s often not the case. In fact, usually, when couples begin the divorce process, either one or both partners are not really ready at all.

Divorce professionals including therapists, mediators, and attorneys often take statements like, “I’ve had it with him,” or “My feelings for her have died,” as indications that the marriage is already over. Attorneys mistakenly equate being hired with an indication that the couple is ready to divorce. But most couples who begin divorce proceedings are unprepared, causing marriages to end prematurely and divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.

Underlying these hasty decisions is the assumption that the sooner you get out of a stressful situation, the better. There is a natural tendency for people in difficult marriages to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well, subscribing to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, in most cases, just the opposite occurs.

Couples who rush to leave their marriages have not had enough time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts, or options. As a result, they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system, and the many life-changing decisions that they will need to make. Quite often, they make agreements which they cannot sustain and, instead of the situation improving,it stays the same or gets worse. They often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for — a quick divorce — takes years.

A dilemma implies that being torn between two choices, each of which has some undesirable elements. This article outlines what couples need to do to face the numerous dilemmas associated with divorce. But first, they must identify their unique dilemma. Couples facing the possibility of a divorce face one of these three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the “perfectly correct” decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based or driven by your ego.
2. I do not want the divorce but my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and helpless. You will experience intense emotional devastation as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma, you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, especially when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.
3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by blaming your partner for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn’t occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict as well as a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. Victims of the first dilemma fear making a mistake. Victims of the second dilemma fear their own attachment to the familiar. The third group of victims fear accountability and softness. All three result in divorces that are combative and drag on and on, sometimes for years on end.

Anger is the emotional energy within each of us that rises up when something needs to change. If you act on the need to create change, your anger can be channeled effectively. If it’s not redirected to something effective, your frustration will build, sometimes to hurricane force.

Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can “clear the air” just as a mild rainstorm does. If you express your anger clearly and cleanly, without too much drama, it will be like a cleansing rain, leaving you calm and relaxed. The problem will then be solved.

People who have angry outbursts, whether at spouses or freeway traffic, have poor impulse control. They are often emotionally “stuck” in the early childhood temper tantrum stage (about age 2 1/2 to 3) because they never learned to manage their own anger. Whoever was supposed to help them manage their temper, such as parents or teachers, was absent, intimidated or helpless, and allowed the child to grow into a raging adult.

People who are prone to violent outbursts may also have witnessed a family member who was a “rageaholic” and frequently angry or violent. People who rage don’t know how to do “emotional maintenance” and shake off stress. They also don’t know how to quit when something is getting to them. Those who allow themselves to rage don’t know how to tell they’re on the brink or how to stop. They often have a sense of entitlement (“I just have a bad temper”) and a lack of emotional maturity. For the people subjected to the angry outburst, it’s actually like dealing with a tantrum-throwing three year old in an adult body, which is dangerous.

The difference between people who lose their temper (throw fits, throw objects, scream and yell) and those who don’t is that those with self control can feel that they’re getting upset and getting close to “losing it.” With enough harassment and pressure, anyone can be goaded into rage. People who usually keep control of their anger, just stop or leave the situation earlier; before they are pushed so far. They respect their own anger, and deal with it effectively. As soon as they feel their emotions getting out of control, they stop what they’re doing, walk away, change their thinking or attitude, write out their upset, pray, or call a friend to get calmed down.

Once an angry person understands that just spewing anger about is not healthy or functional, anger management is not difficult to learn. Most habitually angry people have a feeling of entitlement (“I can’t change who I am”) that prevents them from wanting to control their anger. Once they understand that shouting, blaming, raging and being violent doesn’t accomplish anything, that it ruins relationships, and makes them look weak, rather than powerful, then learning to control anger is not hard. I tell clients who see me for anger management that “He who loses it, loses,” because no matter who started it, or who’s to blame, once you lose your temper, you become the bad guy.

To solve your anger problems, make some choices: Do you want to keep doing what you’re doing, or do you want to learn self control and have a life that works? Do you want to look macho or controlling or do you want to be successful? Do you want to be right or be loved? In every case, learning to control your anger and act responsibly will get you more of what you want from life.

If you or your partner tends to get loud and obnoxious frequently, it’s a bigger problem than just struggling. Perhaps you need to swear off drinking or get some therapy. No matter what, you must find a way to end this childish and demeaning behavior. If your partner tends to be too argumentative, use behavioral training. Treat him or her very well as long as he or she’s agreeable and will discuss things calmly. If your spouse gets oppositional and controlling, try being silent. Do not respond at all. If your partner doesn’t stop after a few moments or if she or he gets louder, that may be evidence of anger management problems.

Out of control yelling and bad behavior is actually a childish temper tantrum and it is not necessary to put up with it. Leave on the spot. If you’re home, go to another room or take a walk. If you’re dining out, take a taxi, leave money for the bill if there is one, but get out of there. It doesn’t matter how important the occasion is; it’s ruined anyway. Once your mate realizes you’re not going to put up with bad behavior, he or she will hopefully understand it is unacceptable and change it if possible, or perhaps even get necessary therapy.

The person who loses his or her temper looks like the bad guy to everyone else, no matter who started the problem or who is really at fault. Keeping your cool is a very important social skill. It doesn’t matter who’s right, who started it, or whether it’s fair. He (or she) who “loses it” to win an argument actually loses everything instead.

Visualize Your Anger Exercise

To get better at controlling your anger, use the following exercise to visualize a scene where you got angry. Replay the tape several times, to get a clear picture of yourself responding in different ways. When you do this, you are actually rehearsing different reactions, and giving yourself new options. You always have choices: you can laugh, walk away, get thoughtful, be afraid, be angry or be reasonable.

1. Imagine a previous angry situation as if it’s occurring now. Get as clear a picture of the scene as possible, imagining what people are wearing, what the room looks like, etc.

2. Mentally play the scene as if it’s a video and see how it develops. Don’t worry if it plays out according to your worst fears. Just watch it as you would watch any video.
3. Because this scene didn’t go well originally, consider what you’d like to change about what you’re doing (Remember, you can’t control the others in the scene but you can get them to respond differently by giving them something different to respond to.) Rewind and replay this mental image, trying new ways to handle it until you are successful (that is, you handle the situation without losing your temper).
4. Play the tape a few more times, with this successful process and outcome, until you feel confident that you can do and say what you are visualizing.
5. Play the tape again and again, visualizing your successful outcome. The more you replay it, and practice your new responses, the easier it will be to access them in the next discussion.
6. You have just reprogrammed your mind to create some new responses to tense or angry situations, and you’ll find these responses are available to you when you need them. Use this technique any time you’re concerned about an upcoming discussion or confrontation.

Adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage (Adams Media) ISBN# 978-1-59869-325-6 © Tina B.Tessina, 2008

This guest article from YourTango was written by Richard Drobnick. 

Men and women are different in many ways. They see the world through completely different perspectives. The key to understanding their differences is in the way that men and women communicate.

Here are six important communication differences that you should be aware of, to help improve your communications with your partner and make them smoother and more effective.

1. Why Talk?

He believes communication should have a clear purpose. Behind every conversation is a problem that needs solving or a point that needs to be made. Communication is used to get to the root of the dilemma as efficiently as possible.

She uses communication to discover how she is feeling and what it is she wants to say. She sees conversation as an act of sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with her partner. Through sharing, she releases negative feelings and solidifies her bond with the man she loves.

2. How Much Should You Say?

He prioritizes productivity and efficiency in his daily life, and conversation is no exception. When he tells a story he has already sorted through the muck in his own head, and shares only those details that he deems essential to the point of the story. He might wonder, “Why do women need to talk as much as they do?” Often he will interrupt a woman once he has heard enough to offer a solution.

She uses communication to explore and organize her thoughts — to discover the point of the story. She may not know what information is necessary or excessive until the words come spilling out. But a woman isn’t necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a conversation. She’s looking for someone to listen and understand what she’s feeling.

3. What Does It Mean To Listen?

He is conditioned to listen actively. When a woman initiates conversation he assumes she is seeking his advice or assistance. He engages with the woman, filtering everything she’s saying through the lens of, “What can we actually do about this?” Learning to listen patiently — not just passively — doesn’t come easily to him.

She sees conversation as a productive end in and of itself. If she feels sufficiently heard or understood she may not need to take further action to resolve a problem or “make things better.” The fact that she has been listened to assuages her anxieties and dulls the pangs of negative feelings. Sharing with someone who understands and loves her heals her from the inside and equips her with the emotional tools necessary to handle the trials and tribulations of the outside world.

4. When She Is Feeling Down …

He will want to tackle her problems head on, like a fireman. He feels impatient to put the fire out as quickly as possible. For him, the quickest way to put the fire out is by giving solutions. Because he wants so badly to provide for his spouse, he may take her mood personally and defend himself. He might hear things literally, not realizing that when his spouse is upset she will use words as tools to explore and express difficult emotions.

By using words as tools to explore and express her difficult emotions when she is upset, she is able to process her negative emotions and let them go. She values support and nurture, and is most fulfilled by sharing, cooperation and community. When he shows interest in her by asking caring questions or expressing heartfelt concerns she feels loved and cared for. He is fulfilling her first primary love need.

5. When He Is Feeling Down …

He will often withdraw into his “cave” (becoming quiet and withdrawn) when he’s upset or stressed. A man’s “cave time” is like a short vacation: he reduces stress by forgetting about his problems and focusing on other things like watching television, reading the newspaper, or playing video games.

He might avoid communication with his spouse during times of duress. If she persists with nurturing questions or criticism, he withdraws even further, fearing that his partner doesn’t trust him to take care of business on his own. However, with her support and understanding, a man will return and be more emotionally available, caring, and loving.

She might interpret her spouse’s silence as a sign that she is failing him or that she’s losing him. She instinctively tries to nurture him through his problems by asking an abundance of caring questions. Or she may react defensively out of fear that her own need for healthy open communication is not being respected within the relationship.

Ultimately, she can do more for him by appreciating his space, which shows him that she trusts him to work out the problem on his own. Trusting is one of the greatest gifts she has to offer him. In the meantime she should do something nurturing for herself, so she won’t resent him when he emerges from his “cave time.”

6. Communication Breaks Down When …

He feels like he’s being told what to do. The most important thing to a man is doing a good job. When his competence is questioned he’ll not only feel hurt, but he’ll throw up a wall of resistance, and communication begins to breakdown. He thrives in an environment where he’s the expert. Rather than being told, “You should do X” he is likely to respond better to, “What do you think of X?” The trick to improving him is to resist telling him what to do.

She hears from her spouse that her problems aren’t as real and pressing as they seem in that very moment. Her spouse may mistakenly think he’s being helpful in providing “reality checks” like: “You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” or “You’re getting overly emotional about it.” To her it feels like he is attempting to minimize her feelings or talk her out of having them.

Men and women desire to satisfy their partners, but they may miss the mark because it is truly difficult to understand and accept our partner’s different ways of communication. Men and women need education on these differences to help their relationships, so they do not end up in a frustrated state of resentment and feel stuck.

If a couple is feeling stuck, I suggest they read or listen to couples self-help books together. If the couple still feels stuck, then they should always seek professional counseling and get back on the road to better understanding and communication.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Kim Olver.

People date, putting their best foot forward, to acquire the relationship they want. If you are married, you succeeded at the Compatibility Stage of Relationships, deciding you and your spouse had enough in common to make a lifetime commitment to each other. Congratulations! 

How many of you thought that was the hard part — that it would be relatively smooth sailing from there? How many were surprised by how much their partner changed, seemingly overnight? I know that happened in my marriage. I tell people it was as if my husband had an overnight visit from the Body Snatchers because he was so different from the moment we returned from our honeymoon. My head was spinning and perhaps his was too.

This happens in many marriages and there are two main reasons for it. First, once people have acquired something they want, they often begin to put their focus on something new, neglecting the maintenance behavior necessary to hold onto their original acquisition.

The second reason is the differing beliefs, values, and expectations we have around marriage. Let’s look at each separately.

Once people have acquired what they want, they turn their focus to something new. They figure they have what they want, so now it’s on to the next acquisition. We stop doing the thoughtful, considerate things we did while dating. After all, the pursuit is over. We have our prize. Now we can turn our attention to other important things in our lives.

When I wrote my book, Secrets of Happy Couples, I interviewed 100 happy and satisfied couples who had been together at least ten years. One man admitted to me, “Dancing is what you do to get the girl; once you’ve got her, you don’t have to dance anymore.” Can you relate to that? Are there things your spouse used to do while dating that he or she no longer does?

I find this to be particularly true in the sex and romance department. As a general rule, women need romance to feel sexual, and men need sex to feel romantic. This works really well during the Getting Together Stage and the Compatibility Stage of relationships, when each of you had pleasing the other as your goal but once you enter the committed Maintenance Stage, something usually changes.

This is usually a process that happens slowly and gradually. You may not even notice it as you begin to do less and less of the things you did when you were dating. You may tell yourself things such as, “The children take my time.” “S/he knows how much I love him/her.” “There’s no money to go out anymore.” “I have to put food on the table.” “There’s no time left at the end of the day.” “I’m exhausted.”

All of this is what gets in the way of maintaining a happy and satisfied relationship. We forget to prioritize our loved one because we tend to take him/her for granted. Men slowly start to be less romantic, while women slowly begin to be less sexual. If left undiagnosed and untreated, then you can get to a place where you are strangers living in the same home.

The second reason things change is our beliefs, values, and expectations. This is what happened in the case of my husband and I. Whenever a couple enters marriage, even after living together for a long time previous, they bring with them all their preconceived ideas of what being married looks like, including their beliefs, values, and expectations around what it means to be a husband and a wife.

These values, beliefs and expectations apply to us, as well as our spouses. We know how we should be and how our partners should be as well. So why is this a problem? Usually it’s a problem because our values, our beliefs, and our expectations are never identical.

My husband was relatively carefree and very generous with his money before we were married. Afterwards, he became a workaholic, spending very little time at home, and he stopped doing the fun things we did while dating. He had the belief that as a husband, he was now the breadwinner. He had to prioritize earning a living over everything else. I felt unloved and wasn’t as interested in sex anymore and this began a downward spiral. Thankfully, we realized what was happening and negotiated some changes that made a positive difference.

You might wonder why these differences don’t usually come up before the wedding. Well, first of all — you weren’t married then. Secondly, your values, beliefs, and expectations are so much a part of who you are that you tend to not even question them. In your mind, it’s just the way things are. You wouldn’t even question that your loved one doesn’t feel the exact same way. We wear blinders in this area.

What can you do? I suggest the person reading this article be the one to recognize the problem and take the first step. Don’t complain to your spouse about what he or she isn’t doing. Get back in touch with the thoughts and feelings you used to have about your spouse while you were dating. Remember the things that attracted you to him or her. Remind yourself to stop looking at what he or she does or doesn’t do that makes you crazy and begin instead to turn your focus to gratitude for all their wonderful traits.

Remember the little things that don’t take time or money. You can look at your spouse with love and gratitude, or you can look at him/her with anger and frustration. Which would you prefer? A loving look, a quiet touch… these are the things that can rekindle the sparks in your relationship.

Each one of us has two sets of lenses with which to view the world. When you choose the critical lenses, you will see all the things that are wrong with your spouse and your relationship. When you wear the appreciation lenses, magic occurs. You see the partner you love and appreciate. Which experience would you rather have? What lenses will you wear today?