There’s a story … of a lovely lady … who meets her prince charming and the two of them with their six combined children live happily ever after.

NOT!

Having been Cindy Brady myself — if you changed my stepsister into a boy and fused my twin sister and I into one girl, then you have it: the perfect Brady family — I know that there are bigger problems in the house than Jan’s inferiority complex to Marsha, Peter’s near death experience with a tarantula in Hawaii, and Greg getting a tad chilled in the meat freezer at Sam’s Butcher Shop when he gets locked in there. (Yes, I watched a lot of TV as a kid.)

The real issues? Peter hates Carol. He totally resents her because ever since she and her big hair came to stay, his dad isn’t around to throw the football or to check over his homework. And Cindy hates Mike. Despises him. Why should he tell her what to do? He’s not her dad. Plus he’s just a dweeb.

It’s worth investigating what makes a real Brady family tick because approximately half of all marriages in the US each year are remarriages for one or both partners and 65 percent of them involve children from a previous relationships. The divorce rate for remarriages with children are 50 percent higher than the marriages with no kids.

How do you make it work?

Here are four tips from Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

1. Form an airtight, solid relationship and show it to your kids.

Martin suggests doing this in small, simple ways like holding hands or telling them about one of your couple rituals, like where you go for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Having an airtight marriage means acting like a team, especially when it comes to conflicts about discipline and manners.

2. Have some childless time with each other.

Acting as a team and conveying a solid relationship to your kids is easier if you take time to nurture it, says Martin. She urges full-time stepmothers to take a childless vacation each year, to carve out a few days in the year where you can just be a couple. Date nights work, as does making your bedroom a childfree zone.

3. Learn how to fight.

Fighting doesn’t doom a relationship, says Martin. Fighting the wrong way does. She writes, “According to marital experts, it’s not fighting itself or even the frequency of fighting that leads to marital instability. It’s the way people fight. Some fighting styles can destroy a marriage, while others can actually strengthen it.”

Some pointers: 

• Cushion a hard request between two loving acknowledgements (”I know it’s difficult to deal with the tension between your kids and me. But I would just really like them to say hello to me when I walk in a room; Thank you for being so considerate of my feelings.”); 
• Put off an argument until a better time; 
• Know when to walk away from a fight; 
• Avoid the “four horsemen” of fights: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling; 
• Break the tension with humor whenever possible.

Therese: What are five clues you should be letting go of something?

Eileen:

1. You find yourself repeating the same complaint to different people.

We all get frustrated from time to time, but it’s not good for our mental or spiritual health to wallow in frustration. I remember once I got irritated with another mother at my kid’s nursery school after she did something that inconvenienced me. I complained to the first mother I ran into, and then the second. When I heard myself repeating the story for the third time, it hit me that I was making myself more agitated, not less. I was also putting poison in the community well. Someone had made an honest mistake, and I needed to get over it.

2. You’re churning over in your brain what you wish you (or someone else) had done.

You can’t change the past. Period. If you can’t stop thinking about something that has happened, reframe your internal conversation by asking what you have learned from the experience or what you want to do differently next time. Just replaying the same tape isn’t going to get you anywhere.

3. Your body is showing signs of anxiety.

Often our bodies give us clear messages about what is going on inside of us. For some people, anxiety manifests in not being able to sleep. For me, heartburn is a frequent symptom, as well as tight shoulder muscles. If you pay attention to how you feel when you are at peace as well as when you are anxious or angry, you can learn to use your body as a barometer. Awake at 2AM again? That may be your sign that you need to let go of something.

4. You are scheming how to make someone else do something.

Face it: you can’t force anyone else do anything, and the more you try, the more likely you are to push that person away. You can tell them what you want, but if you find yourself imagining ways to get them to do what you want, it’s time to back off and let go. (i.e. “Accidentally” dragging your boyfriend past the diamond store in the mall is not going to make him ready to get engaged, if that’s what you’re hoping.) Focus on making yourself happy, rather than trying to manipulate someone else.

5. You can’t appreciate the life you have because you keep focusing on what could be.

Every one has something to be grateful for, even if it’s just breathing. If it takes you more than several seconds to think of five things you are grateful for, you are probably focusing too much on a picture of how you wish things were. Counting your blessings is a time-tested way to let go of what you don’t have and focus on what you have.

Therese: And in reverse, what are five clues you should be making a change instead of giving up?

Eileen:

1. You can’t let go.

An inability to forget something may be a sign that you need to make a change. If you just can’t accept the fact that your boss doesn’t respect your work, maybe it’s time to polish your resume. If you are still grieving a lost friendship, maybe you need to write the person a letter to repair the relationship or get closure. Sometimes we need to take action before we can let go.

2. The problem will persist if you do nothing.

Forgiving someone for an honest mistake is one thing, but if someone continually does something that you find hurtful or annoying, you probably need to let the person know. Maybe if your neighbor knew that his music was bothering you, he would turn it down. Maybe not, but he won’t turn it down if you never tell him, and you are likely to get a better response if you mention it calmly when it is a minor annoyance, rather than waiting until you are exasperated.

3. You feel jealous of someone else’s accomplishments.

Jealousy can be toxic if we wallow in it, but it can also point us toward our unrealized goals. If you find yourself resentful of a friend who just published her first novel, maybe you should ask what creative venture you have put off. That could be the impetus to look for a writing class or take some other step toward what you want. 

4. People you trust believe you should make a change.

We have to be careful about following other people’s advice, but the truth is that sometimes other people see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Psychologists say that depression, for example, is often recognized by loved-ones before the depressed person can see it. Be open to the observations of people who have your best interests at heart, especially if they think you need some kind of help.

5. You angrily deny any problem.

If you get angry when someone suggests that you should be making a change, that’s all the more reason to take the person’s concern seriously. Anger is a typical symptom of denial. One way to break through denial is to look for objective evidence. One man I interviewed for The Wisdom to Know the Difference denied that he had a drinking problem until a counselor gave him a 20 question survey about drinking. When he answered yes to 18 of the 20 questions, he was jolted out of denial, giving him the boost he needed to join AA, a change that transformed his life.

To get to “Living the Serenity Prayer” by Eileen Flanagan, click here. Or visit her website at www.EileenFlanagan.com.

Several mom friends of mine have lately come down with a bad case of “empty-nest depression” — moms who just dropped off their youngest offspring to college, or moms having difficulty keeping busy now that the youngest is in kindergarten all day.

I googled the term “empty-nest depression” to see what I could find on this topic. I was surprised to see the Beyond Blue post I wrote in 2007 at the top of the search results. But, after reading it, I can see why it was so popular. I merely asked a question, and all of you answered it. On the comment box of that post are written different kinds of compassionate and insightful responses to my question: How do you treat empty-nest depression?

Beyond Blue reader Barbara initiated the discussion with this practical piece of advice:

I am a mother of five children; the oldest 29, the youngest 20 in college. My children all went off on their own around the age of 18. Those in college worked their way through school so only returned home for a weekend occasionally; not for summer vacation. I was involved in all their lives, but I hope, not as a smother mother.

During a long period of their growing years, I was suffering from major depression. My therapist encouraged me to find some work outside the home. He was aware how much emphasis and identity I had tied up in motherhood, and how deeply depressed I was. I totally rebelled because raising my children was my first responsibility. But an opportunity came my way that would allow me to use my musical talent one day a week at a school. For some reason, I agreed to do it. Later it went to two days, then three. I finally decided to return to college and finish my degree while still teaching three days a week. By that time, only my son was still at home. He found he loved karate so my husband and I juggled our schedules so that he would never come home to an empty house.

Gradually, and as my children needed me to step back from hands-on mothering, I found myself gaining a lot of satisfaction in my new life as a teacher. My children were proud of me, and were a very boisterous cheering section at my graduation.

Now my husband is on the road for weeks at a time, so my nest is really empty. I am happy that I started building for the future before the nest started emptying. My vow had been to be a stay at home mom like mine had been. But I now see how important it was to anticipate the changes that were inevitably in my future.

My suggestion to any woman currently suffering separation depression and loss of identity, is to remember that you have years ahead of you that can be quite fulfilling. After menopause, the energy that our bodies put into reproduction each month is over, and we often gain a new burst of it. I went back to college at age 50 and thoroughly enjoyed the challenge and the sense of accomplishment that earning my degree gave me. Also remember, that while your children have moved away to develop their own identity, they will eventually move back toward you, albeit in a new relationship. They will live on their own, but have a new appreciation for you, as you will for them.

Look at the skills that you developed and practiced as a mother and pick the brains of your friends for ways to incorporate them into a new life. It seems scary to step outside your comfort zone, but it is something that everyone has to do if they are to grow and find satisfaction in life.

Change is daunting for almost everyone. We like things to be familiar and easy to understand. Sometimes all we need is a bit of reassurance that someone else has been in our shoes, and managed to walk in them.

First of all, thank you for being honest. Because so many of us know exactly how you feel. I’m there a lot of the time myself. Less than I was the two years following my hospitalizations, but there too much of the time.

Doctor Smith would continually remind me during those first fragile years after my big breakdown that a slight setback in my recovery didn’t mean that I was plunging into a full-fledged depressive episode again, and that it wouldn’t take another 18 months to recover, like it did after my breakdown. These hiccups are normal, she reminded me. Recovery is never static, predictable, or symmetrical. On the contrary, it’s often messy, unpredictable, and annoyingly erratic.

I use a couple of cognitive reminders today when I’m panicking about relapsing.

1. My past doesn’t dictate my future.

They are totally separate. Just because I have been through an excruciating depression in my past doesn’t mean I will return to the same painful place every time my thoughts go south. Think of it this way: your brain is constantly forming. It’s part plastic. Which means, what was isn’t necessarily what is or what will be.

2. All things pass.

NOTHING is forever … which is a shame on the good days, but a lovely thing on the bad days. Moreover, this too shall pass. Everything does. Even the ice-cream truck in the summer. One minute it’s there, and then, bam! Gone to the next neighborhood. So much for the Klondike bars.

3. I will be okay.

Even if I do get sucked up right back into the Black Hole, I will survive it. I have before. I can rely on the reserves of strength and wisdom that got me out of there before (that is, in addition to some medication, in my case).

4. Have a plan.

Sometimes it helps to jot down some specific steps to take if you’ve just cried yourself through two boxes of Kleenex. A friend of mine knows it’s time to see her shrink when she doesn’t get out of bed for three days. My kids don’t really leave me that option, so my requirements are different: by the third day of crying incessantly I make an appointment to see Dr. Smith.

5. Be prepared.

You might not ever have a relapse. I hope you don’t. But if you suffer from chronic, and especially treatment-resistant depression, you can count on a few in your future. So be ready for the hurricane. For example, I always like to have at least two weeks worth of blogs uploaded in the blogging software that I can use in the event of a relapse. Some weeks I’m simply more productive than others, so I try to be like a communist country and even things out a little bit … taking the energy from the good weeks, and using them for the “my brain is a big fart” cycles.

What about you? How do you keep yourself from worrying about a relapse? Do you prepare yourself for one?

Therese: What are five ways a person can tackle perfectionism?

Michelle: Here they are …

1. Compare yourself to others.

I know, this probably sounds surprising when the prevailing wisdom says not to. But we perfectionists need frequent reality checks.

Think about whatever has you firing on all cylinders and what you’re hoping to achieve. A report with absolutely no errors? A living room fit to be featured in House Beautiful? A body like the cover model on that fitness magazine at the checkout stand?

Now notice how many people are doing quite well, thankyouverymuch, without raising the bar so high. People really do have satisfying relationships in non-model bodies, successful careers despite the occasional typo or misjudgment, and comfortable, happy homes with undusted mantelpieces. It’s good to look around and remind ourselves of this from time to time.

2. Use the 10-Year Question.

If you catch yourself ruminating about something you think you’ve done or might do less than perfectly, ask yourself, “Ten years from today, will I even remember this, let alone care about how well it was done or whether it was done at all?”

In the extremely rare cases where you answer “yes” and “yes,” go ahead and give the doing or fixing your best effort, and then move on. Most of the time, though, this little thought exercise will help dissolve your worry, or at least shrink it down to a more manageable size.

3. Take some time out.

Perfectionists overcommit–to others and to themselves. See if you can find a way out of an upcoming obligation (or two, or three) that you don’t really want to do but think you “should.” Also, look at your own to-do list and see what you can defer for now, or even take off your list entirely. To get my post on this, click here.

Now don’t just fill up this time with other stuff. There will always be more stuff. Allow it to be “white time” (analogous to white space) during which you have absolutely no agenda. Do whatever your body and spirit want–take a nap, go somewhere for a change of scenery, stretch, dance, meditate, walk on grass, finger-paint.

Perfectionism stems from an overly self-critical mind. Give your mind a break and let it rest. Nurture the other parts of you — they deserve it. Gradually, your mind will learn that the world doesn’t end if you leave it to itself for a little while.

4. Take one tiny but direct step.

It seems counterintuitive, but there’s a direct link between perfectionism and procrastination. You’d think perfectionists would want everything done neatly, thoroughly and on time, right? Instead, we often feel such pressure to do things perfectly that we overwhelm ourselves before we even start. Then we keep ourselves occupied with a million other things so that we always have a handy excuse for why we’re not doing Whatever It Is.

Try picking one very tiny thing and just doing it. Make the thing so small that it doesn’t intimidate you. But make sure it points directly toward something you want. Don’t browse the Internet for workout shoes–go outside and walk around the block. Just once. But do it. A single baby step is worth more than any amount of beating yourself up over not taking any action.

5. Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend.

I have a friend who calls me on this whenever she observes me going into overdrive. “If I were handling everything you are right now,” she asks me, “and I started criticizing you the way you’re criticizing yourself, would you stand there and take it? Or would you tell me to go fly a kite?” (pregnant pause) “Then why do you let you talk to yourself that way?”

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

Therese: What is your biggest obstacle in “practicing imperfection”? How do you get around it?

Michelle: I’m hyper-organized (is there a medical diagnosis for that? oh, yeah, OCD) and a diehard tweaker of systems. I can spend hours and hours searching for the “perfect” planner and then customizing it for every possible contingency, but then never actually using it.

I also seem to have this need to “clear the decks” before starting on major projects. So no, I can’t possibly track my finances until I have all my stray papers filed so I can find them, which means going through the box of papers in the corner, which means pruning my file cabinet of outdated material to make room for the new, which means getting some WD-40 to fix the drawer because it’s almost stuck shut, which means a trip to . . . etc., etc.

One of my newest mantras has become “Just start somewhere.” I’ve realized (verrrry grudgingly) that the inbox of my life will never be empty. Things will never coalesce into a perfect starting point with neatly squared corners and no loose ends. So I continue giving myself pep talks about this. And slowly, very slowly, I’m noticing how small steps really do have a cumulative effect over time. That not everything has to be exactly the way I’d like it for me to experience progress.

My blog is a great example. I’ve never done anything like it before, and I’m completely intimidated by the technical aspects of it. I also wanted to have something like 20 posts in the hopper before I even launched, because I was afraid of getting writer’s block. But in April of this year I enlisted the help of some friends to set up the site, and just started writing.

Does the website look and function exactly the way I want it to? Nope. Are there sections I need to complete, or even create? Absolutely. Can I afford a professional site design at this point? Hah! But I didn’t let any of that keep me from starting, and I’m learning as I go. I’ve made some great online friends and received helpful feedback and advice, none of which would have happened if I hadn’t plunged in the deep end and just started somewhere. And I’m having fun!

So, in the spirit of October, I present to you (maybe Pfizer will pay me millions to write their next commercial?) … Depression Is Like a Pumpkin. Click through to view the video…

Emotional vampires are lurking everywhere and wear many different disguises–from needy relatives to workplace bullies. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out.

Without the self-defense strategies to fend them off, victims of emotional vampires sometimes develop unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings, or feeling fatigued.

Here are five types of emotional vampires you’re likely to encounter, and some “silver bullet” tips for fending them off.

Vampire 1: The Narcissist. 

This vampire is grandiose, self-important, attention hogging, and hungry for admiration. She is often charming and intelligent–until her guru status is threatened.

Self-defense tips: Enjoy her good qualities, but keep your expectations realistic. Because her motto is “me-first,” getting angry or stating your needs won’t phase her. To get her cooperation, show how your request satisfies her self-interest.

Vampire 2: The Victim. 

This vampire thinks the world is against him, and demands that others rescue him.

Self-defense tips: Don’t be his therapist, and don’t tell him to buck up. Limit your interactions, and don’t get involved in his self-pity.

Vampire 3: The Controller. 

This vampire has an opinion about everything, thinks he knows what’s best for you, has a rigid sense of right and wrong, and needs to dominate.

Self-defense tips: Speak up and be confident. Don’t get caught up in bickering over the small stuff. Assert your needs, and then agree to disagree.

Vampire 4: The Criticizer. 

This vampire feels qualified to judge you, belittle you, and bolster her own ego by making you feel small and ashamed.

Self-defense tips: Don’t take what she says personally. Address a misplaced criticism directly. Don’t get defensive. Express appreciation for what’s useful. Bounce back with a massive dose of loving-kindness.

Vampire 5: The Splitter. 

This vampire may treat you like his BFF one day, and then mercilessly attack you the next day when he feels wronged. He is often a threatening rageaholic who revels in keeping others on an emotional rollercoaster.

Self-defense tips: Establish boundaries and be solution-oriented. Avoid skirmishes, refuse to take sides, and avoid eye contact when he’s raging at you. Visualize a protective shield around you when you’re being emotionally attacked.

Judith Orloff, MD, is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. Her new book, upon which these tips are based, is “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life.”

Ever since I was discharged from the inpatient psychiatric program at Johns Hopkins, I have kept a mood journal where I daily record the amount of hours I sleep, my mood (rating it a fantastic and serene no. 1 to a frazzled, and I’m-headed-back-to-the-community-room no. 5), any foods that have triggered hyperactivity or irritability (such as a triple espresso and half of a chocolate-mousse pie), my anxiety level, any medication and vitamin/supplement changes, and a list of things I’m obsessing about: weight, job, friends, sisters, yada yada yada.

My journal looks like my house: messy … dangerously messy. I scribble something down and then Katherine gets a hold of the pad and draws a mermaid, or a big X through the object of obsession. In other words: it’s not a good system. Not at all. And it can’t really do the job of picking up patterns in order predict relapses. The information is too unorganized for that.

So ….

I decided to try the Optimism Software that my blogging buddy James Bishop has designed. Keep in mind that I am a technological moron, and had to ask him about 10 times how to download it. (If I can do it, you can definitely do it.) But after it was on my desktop and I could open it and start inputting my dysfunctional habits, I decided he was a genius.

Because it is much more than a software.

It’s a way of making you a more active part of your recovery.

For example, in that last month I’ve been using the software, I have become more disciplined about my sleep hygiene. I go to bed at 9:30 every night, and I get up at 5:30 in the morning. Knowing that I have to track my sleep in Optimism makes me less apt to act on the “This is brilliant! Let’s stay up all night!” thoughts that come in right as I’m about to shut down for the night.

I’m also more aware of the contents that I put into my mouth. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that James’s software makes me eat better. (He would be very wealthy if this was the case.) But knowing that I have to record the items that tease my mood (pancakes with lots of maple syrup, double chocolate-chip cookies, mochas, fruit pops) make me more aware of the connection between the two (cookies and mood). And, I’m thinking that this awareness will eventually translate into more will power. At least that’s the plan.

The act of recording your diet, sleep, exercise, and stressors makes you more accountable. James writes:

Optimism prompts you to keep a detailed record of all things that affect your state of mind. By monitoring patterns in your life you can identify negative influences that you need to avoid, early warning signs that your health is deteriorating, and the inputs and activities that benefit you most. Simple charts highlight cause and effect relationships that you might normally miss, and you can develop a Health Plan to follow and update as you learn more about the things that positively and negatively affect you.

Go to FindingOptimism.com to find out more or to download a free trial.

I should also note that Optimism is now available in an online-version as well, and they are working on an iPhone version too for your mobile phone.

Optimism is “an action plan” for your mental health — it can be just the thing you might need to help keep you going toward your goals in therapy, life, or just changing behaviors or habits that are no longer working for you.

The best way to try out Optimism to see if it holds any value for you is to download the free 7-day trial and commit to using it during those 7 days. You may be surprised that such a simple idea can translate into such a big deal in your life!

-Dr. John Grohol

Glenn has launched a nonprofit organization called BringChange2Mind, which she hopes will raise awareness about mental illness, strip mood disorders like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia from their unfair stigma, and lend support and information to the mentally ill and their families.

Katie Escherich of ABC News writes:

Jessie, the youngest of the four Close siblings, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder nine years ago at the age of 47, “after living with it probably her whole life,” said her sister. Bipolar disorder affects some 5.7 million American adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

The actress said her sister was always a “wild child,” and Jessie now says she knew for most of her life that something was wrong. Both sisters said a lack of understanding of mental illness when they were growing up played a part in Jessie’s delayed diagnosis.

“You don’t talk about depression or alcoholism or mental illness. …I think that’s probably true in a lot of families,” her sister said. “We didn’t have the vocabulary, we didn’t have the knowledge.”

With medication, Jessie Close’s symptoms have been brought under control, and family members realize how fortunate it is that they can afford good care. She has experienced side effects, including fatigue and weight gain, and finding a balance between staying stable and staying creative took time. Jessie, a writer, said, “It’s worth it.”

“We’re getting more and more sophisticated medication,” Glenn Close said. “We need to keep people with mental illness living full and productive and creative lives.”

Go check out BringChange2Mind.org!

And a humongous hug to Glenn Close!!!

Especially intriguing was chapter five, on the ten laws of boundaries. For the purpose of length, I highlight seven of them below, excerpting text from that chapter.

Happy boundaries making to you!

Law 1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. Sometimes, however, people don’t reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interruption the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one’s life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

Law 2: The Law of Responsibility

Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are LOVE one another, not BE one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me.

Law 3: The Law of Respect

If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?” When we accept others’ freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom we feel better about our own.

Law 4: The Law of Motivation

These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries: fear of loss of love or abandonment, fear of others’ anger, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the “good me” inside, guilt, payback, approval, over-identification with the other’s loss. The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure.

Law 5: The Law of Evaluation

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and for the relationship.

Law 6: The Law of Envy

Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out.

Law 7: The Law of Activity

Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative–the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking.

But the kind of folks you hang with influence you more than you think.

Peer pressure never goes away.

Multiple studies show that human beings unconsciously and consciously mimic the behaviors of those around them. Folks hanging out with optimists become optimists themselves. Women who cheat on their husbands dally with other cheaters.

In his insightful book, “Bounce: Living the Resilient Life,” psychology professor Robert Wicks recommends that we invite into our circle of friends four types of people: the prophet, the cheerleader, the harasser, and guides. By including these different voices and friends into our life, he argues, we can become more resilient to life’s blows.

1. The Prophet

The prophet is the type of person that calls us on any misguided attempts at something, makes us accountable for our behavior, and prompts us to be honest, even when that is not easy. The prophet challenges us, and can be a royal pain at times, but ultimately helps us to find freedom. Says Wicks, “Prophets point! They point to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether pleasure or pain is involved, the only thing that matters is that we seek to see and live ‘the truth’ because only it will set us free.”

2. The Cheerleader

To balance out the provocation and questioning of a prophet, a person also must have a few cheerleader friends: folks who offer unconditional love, support, and acceptance. Wicks says we need the encouragement of the cheerleader as much as the criticism and feedback of the prophet because “burnout is always around the corner when we don’t have people who are ready to encourage us, see our gifts clearly, and be there for us when our involvement with people, their sometimes unrealistic demands, and our own crazy expectations for ourselves threaten to pull us down.”

3. The Harasser

After we’ve been criticized and loved, we need to laugh. That’s why we need harassers, the third kind of friend, who helps us to see the humor in life’s frustrations and calamities. They help us to mock our unrealistic expectations, of ourselves and of others. Says Wicks, “This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective.”

4. Guides

And finally, we need guides. Listeners. People who will, according to Wicks, “search and look for nuances in what we share with them to help us to uncover some of the ‘voices’ that are unconsciously guiding our lives, especially the ones that make us hesitant, anxious, fearful, and willful.”

I would get stuck at “Nnnnnnn… alright.” Which meant I was doing all kinds of things that I didn’t want to, have to, or have time to do.

If you are like me, surrounded by a modest sampling of users, takers, and even well intentioned askers who could zap all your energy if you let them, take heart! Here are a few fun, simple techniques to get your mind and mouth to work in tandem to repeat after me: NO!

1. Smile and shake your head.

You’ll find this, the most basic form of body language, to be a sweet, nonverbal way to communicate this sentiment: NO WAY.

2. Fill your calendar.

Fill up your daily planner with prior commitments, like long, hot bubble baths. That way, you can say, “No, sorry, but I have an appointment for that evening.”

3. Run out the clock.

Distract the person who’s asking for your time, change the subject, and stall until it’s time to say good-bye.

4. Tape your mouth shut.

You can do this figuratively (or literally!) until you learn how to say: “no,” “nope,” “sorry,” “can’t,” or any other variation. If you don’t say anything, you can’t say, “Sure, I’ll do it!”

5. Let the phone ring.

Just because someone is calling doesn’t mean you have to pick up. An even better method: turn your ringers off. That way you won’t even know that you are saying no!

6. Post a sign.

Think, “Do not disturb” or “Personal Time. Thanks for understanding!” Project to those around you that you’re in privacy mode.

7. Press “send.”

After you have finished composing a polite regret to yet another request by a pushy friend.

8. Walk away.

Put one foot in front of the other until some distance has accumulated between you and the persistent nagger.

9. Volunteer someone.

Find a better person for the job (namely, someone who has more time than you). If they can’t do it, it’s up to them to say no for themselves.

10. Hide.

This is a stronger version of “post a sign” and “walk away.” If you’re still feeling tempted by “yes, I can do that” (when you really can’t), build a metaphorical fort around yourself. Become invisible and completely inaccessible until the users are gone.

Question: What is the primary message that you would like viewers to get from the therapy sessions on Obsessed?

John: My belief is that the TV Documentary, “Obsessed” will help infuse and subsequently establish the long-awaited credibility that OCD and other anxiety disorders are legitimate illnesses. The show will heighten public awareness and deepen social understanding about the condition of OCD in particular, and will help put it on the map of illnesses to be reckoned with. It will also encourage the many thousands of anxiety disorder suffers out there to come out from hiding and seek help.

Question: What do you think are the three most prevalent misconceptions about OCD among the public?

John: One of the enduring misconceptions about OCD and anxiety disorders in general is that people with OCD are weak-willed and that their symptoms are a result of some kind of moral failing. Anxiety disorders are unfortunately still stigmatized by the many people out there who can’t understand the illness due to lack of information and often times, lack of personal experience. Another misconception is that people with severe OCD cannot live productive lives. OCD is in fact, a very treatable illness, regardless of the severity of symptoms. Many sufferers out there, through therapy and medication, live happy and productive lives despite their illness. However, it is important to remember that the treatment modality used by many clinicians, CBT, does not seek perfection. CBT combined with Exposure therapy helps sufferers build a solid program of anxiety management aimed at reducing the severity and frequency of symptoms and improving quality of life. Trying to erase all traces of anxiety is impossible. One always needs a bit of anxiety and worry to survive in the world.

Question: What was the most challenging part of conducting therapy in front of America? Did you change any aspects of how you normally administer your sessions?

John: I believe so passionately in the value and effectiveness of the work that I do, that I did not find it necessary to change anything about the way I treat patients. It was quite gratifying to know that I was part of a groundbreaking TV series that would inspire hope for sufferers in hiding, and would also educate America and beyond, that anxiety disorders are very common and most importantly, very treatable.

I went straight to chapter thirteen, of course, and read “Overcoming Hopelessness: Escape from Darkness.” The authors argue that there are nine forms of hopelessness, each related to the disruption of one or more of the basic needs that comprise hope; attachment, mastery, or survival. The authors present three “pure forms” of hopelessness resulting from breakdowns in one of these three needs or “motive systems” (alienation, powerlessness, doom). There are also six “blended” forms of hopelessness which results when two needs are challenged. We can overcome hopelessness by first recognizing which of these nine types we are confronting. For each form of hopelessness, they present a mind-body-spirit treatment cocktail, involving a restructuring of thoughts, accessing the right kind of hope-sustaining relationship, and specific spiritual practices. Armed with these prescriptions we can summon the light back into our lives.

Here are the nine types of hopelessness and just some of the strategies recommended by Scioli and Biller. For the whole treatment package, consider getting your own copy of “Hope in the Age of Anxiety.”

1. Alienation (Attachment)

Alienated individuals believe that they are somehow different. Moreover, they feel as if they have been cut loose, no longer deemed worthy of love, care, or support. In turn, the alienated tend to close themselves off, fearing further pain and rejection.

2. Forsakenness (Attachment and Survival)

The word “forsaken” refers to an experience of total abandonment that leaves individuals feeling alone in their time of greatest need. Recall Job in the Old Testament, crumpled over and covered with sores, pleading with a seemingly indifferent God.

3. Uninspired (Attachment and Mastery)

Feeling uninspired can be especially difficult for members of underprivileged minorities, for whom opportunities for growth and positive role models within the group may be either lacking or undervalued.

4. Powerlessness (Mastery)

Individuals of every age need to believe that they can author the story of their life. When that need is thwarted, when one feels incapable of navigating one’s way toward desired goals, a feeling of powerlessness can set in.

5. Oppression (Mastery and Attachment)

Oppression involves the subjugation of a person or group…. The word “oppressed” comes from Latin, to “press down,” and its synonym, “down-trodden,” suggests a sense of being “crushed under” or “flattened.”

6. Limitedness (Mastery and Survival)

When the struggle for survival is combined with a sense of failed mastery, individuals feel limited. They experience themselves as deficient, lacking in the right stuff to make it in the world. This form of hopelessness is all too common among the poor as well as those struggling with severe physical handicaps or crippling learning disabilities.

7. Doom (Survival)

Individuals weighed down by this form of despair presume that their life is over, that their death is imminent. The ones most vulnerable to sinking into this particular circle of hell are those diagnosed with a serious, life-threatening illness as well as those who see themselves worn out by age or infirmity. Such individuals feel doomed, trapped in a fog of irreversible decline.

8. Captivity (Survival and Attachment)

Two forms of hopelessness can result from captivity. The first consists of physical or emotional captivity enforced by an individual or a group. Prisoners fall into this category as well as those help captive in a controlling, abusive relationship. We refer to this as “other-imprisonment.”…An equally insidious form of entrapment is “self-imprisonment. This occurs when individuals cannot leave a bad relationship because their sense of self will not allow it.

9. Helplessness (Survival and Mastery)

Helpless individuals no longer believe that they can live safely in the world. They feel exposed and vulnerable, like a cat after being declawed or a bird grounded by a broken wing. Trauma or repeated exposure to uncontrolled stressors can produce an ingrained sense of helplessness. In the words of one trauma survivor, “I was terrified to go anywhere on my own … I felt so defenseless and afraid that I just stopped doing anything.”

Overcoming Alienation and its offshoots (Alienation, Forsakenness, Uninspired)

[Pure Alienation] This form of hopelessness may be fueled by cognitive distortions such as mind reading, overgeneralization, or all-or-nothing thinking. … Many who feel alienated assume (wrongly) that absolutely no one is, or ever will be, in their corner. The antidote for mind reading is to examine the emotional evidence. This requires courage in the form of trust and openness to survey how others actually experience you.

If you feel forsaken, it is important to get outside of your head to see if your inner reality is an accurate reflection of the outside world. Most people who feel forsaken are overgeneralizing from a relatively small sample of experiences. With more extensive sampling, it is highly likely that they will encounter more hope-promoting responses from others. The antidote to all-or-nothing thinking is thinking in shades of gray–opening oneself up to the continuum of possibilities for one’s life.

Overcoming Doom and its offshoots (Doom, Helplessness, Captivity)

Those who feel doomed as a result of a medical or psychiatric diagnosis may “jump to conclusions.” The best antidote for jumping to conclusions is “examining the evidence.” If you are diagnosed with a serious illness, do your homework and get the facts. For example, Harvard anthropologist Stephen Jay Gould was diagnosed with a rare abdominal cancer at the age of 40. When told that the median survival time for someone with this disease was only 8 months, he did some research. In his essay, “The Median Isn’t the Message,” Gould shared how his knowledge of statistics helped him to “examine the evidence.” He was able to tell himself, “Fine, half the people will live longer. Now what are my chances of being in that half?” After factoring in his age, his relatively healthy lifestyle, the early stage of diagnosis, and the quality of healthcare available, Gould arrived at a far more hopeful prognosis. In fact, he lived another 20 years before succumbing to an unrelated illness.

Overcoming Powerlessness and its Offshoots (Powerlessness, Oppression, Limitedness)

Three cognitive distortions frequently underlie feelings of powerlessness: discounting the positive, personalization, and labeling. When individuals cannot appreciate their talents and gifts, they are prone to discount any evidence of personal success or effectiveness. Examining the evidence is a good strategy for dealing with discounting the positive. One way to do this is to make a list of successes, particularly in the general domain you are discounting. For example, if you are prone to discounting a good grade on an exam, write down any past successes of an intellectual nature. If you tend to discount a work or social achievement, reflect on past occupational or group-related achievements.

It is common for those who are oppressed to engage in personalization and self-blame. A strategy for counteracting self-blame is reattribution. This involves considering all the likely causes of negative emotions.

When individuals feel limited because of a perceived physical or intellectual disability, they may fall prey to labeling. To attack harmful labels, “define your terms.” For example, if you feel or are labeled “stupid,” reflect on the actual definition of the term. Are you always “making bad decisions”? Are you always “careless” and “unable to learn”? Unless this description, taken directly from the “American Heritage Dictionary,” applies to you, then you are not “stupid.”

Reprinted from Hope in the Age of Anxiety: A Guide to Understanding and Strengthening Our Most Important Virtue by Anthony Scioli and Henry B. Biller (Oxford University Press). © 2009 by Oxford University Press.

So he and Harmony Books graciously gave me permission to reprint parts of chapter seven on “Attention.” Here, then, is the step-by-step approach to mindfulness or meditation — the basic practices of quieting the mind — provided in “Joyful Wisdom”:

Step One: Objectless Attention

The most basic approach to attention is referred to as “objectless”–not focusing on any specific “scene” or aspect of experience, but just looking and marveling at the wide range of scenery as it comes and goes….Objectless attention involves settling into this “is-ness,” simply watching thoughts, emotions, appearances, and so on, as they emerge against or within the background of “space.”

Step Two: Attention to Form

Form meditation simply involves raising this unconscious process to the level of active awareness. Just by looking with bare attention at a specific object, the restless bird [your mind] settles on its branch….When you rest your mind on an object you’re seeing it as something distinct or separate from yourself. But when we let go and simply rest our minds in bare attention, gradually we begin to realize whatever we see, and however we see it, is an image made up of thoughts, memories, and the limitations conditioned by our sensory organs. In other words, there’s no difference between what is seen and the mind that sees it.

Step Three: Attending to Sound

Attending to sound is very similar to attending to form, except that now you’re engaging the faculty of hearing instead of sight….Gradually allow yourself to pay attention to sounds close to your awareness, such as your heartbeat or your breath. Alternatively, you can focus on sounds that occur naturally in your immediate surroundings, such as rain pattering against a window, the noise of a television or stereo coming from a neighbor’s apartment, the roar of an airplane passing above, or even the chirps and whistles of restless birds outside.

Step Four: Attending to Physical Experience

Our embodied state is a blessing in disguise, fertile ground through which we may discover the possibilities of awareness. One way to access these possibilities is through paying attention to physical sensations, a process that may be most simply accessed through watching your breath. All you have to do is focus your attention lightly on the simple act of inhaling and exhaling. You can place your attention on the passage of air through your nostrils or on the sensation of air filling and exiting your lungs. Focusing on the breath is particularly useful when you catch yourself feeling stressed or distracted. The simple act of drawing attention to your breath produces a state of calmness and awareness that allows you to step back from whatever problems you might be facing and respond to them more calmly and objectively.

Step Five: Attending to Thoughts

Paying attention to thoughts isn’t aimed at stopping thoughts, but simply observing them. Like taking time to look at a rose or listen to a sound, taking time to observe your thoughts doesn’t involve analyzing the thoughts themselves. Rather, the emphasis rests on the act of observing, which naturally calms and steadies the mind that observes. You can use your thoughts rather be use by them. If a hundred thoughts pass through your mind in the space of a minute, you have a hundred supports for meditation….There’s no need to become attached to the awareness of a thought or to focus on it so intently that you attempt to make it go away. Thoughts come and go, as an old Buddhist saying holds, like “snowflakes falling on a hot rock.” Whatever passes through the mind, just watch it come and go, lightly and without attachment, the way you’d practice gently resting your attention on forms, sounds, or physical sensations.

Step Six: Attending to Emotions

The method of observing emotions varies according to the type of emotion you’re experiencing. If you’re feeling a positive emotion, you can focus on both the feeling AND the object of the feeling. For example, if you’re feeling love for a child, you can rest your attention on both the child AND the love you feel for him or her. If you’re feeling compassion for someone in trouble, you can focus on the person needing help AND your feeling of compassion….A more practical approach to emotions, similar to that of working with thoughts, is simply to rest your attention on the emotion itself rather than on its object. Just look at the emotion without analyzing it intellectually. Don’t try to hold on to it or resist it. Simply observe it. When you do this, the emotion won’t seem as solid, lasting, or true as it initially did.

Reprinted from JOYFUL WISDOM: EMBRACING CHANGE AND FINDING FREEDOM Copyright © 2009 by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. Published by Harmony Books, a division of Random House, Inc.