This is Thanksgiving week … the week some of us are very thankful that we don’t live in the same city as our relatives. So I’m calling in the experts.

My friend, Elisha Goldstein, who writes the “Mindfulness and Psychotherapy” blog on Psych Central, offers readers like myself, who are having difficulty with a formal meditation practice, several quick tips for mindful living that can be implemented throughout the day. He writes in his post, “Hectic Life? Quick Tips for Mindful Living” that “even without the time and place in life to set up some formal practice, from the minute you get up in the day to the moment you lay your head on the pillow there is opportunity to engage mindfulness as a way of life, opening you up to greater focus, calm, and peace.”

That means, in between the turkey/mash potatoes/cranberry sauce plate and the pumpkin/pecan pie plate, you can squeeze in a little sanity break, and ask yourself if it’s really going to benefit you to comment on your brother’s fourth glass of Merlot (plus the sedatives he’s stashing in his trousers, of course).

For this week’s “Mindful Monday,” I thought I’d list some of the easy mindfulness practices Elisha offers in his blog:

1. RAIN.

In his blog “Difficult Emotions: One Approach You’ll Want to Try,” Dr. Goldstein writes:

In the mindfulness circles the acronym R.A.I.N has floated around to support people in dealing with difficult emotions. It has been found in Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance, Jack Kornfield has said it, and you will find it the upcoming Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook that I have co-authored with Bob Stahl, Ph.D (February, 2010). Here is a sneak peek:

“R” is to recognize when a strong emotion is present. “A” is to allow or acknowledge that it is indeed there. “I” is to investigate and bring self-inquiry to the body, feelings, and mind, and “N” is to non-identify with what’s there. This non-identification is very useful in that it helps to deflate the story and cultivates wise understanding in the recognition that the emotion is just another passing mind state and not a definition of who you are. Just like seeing a movie, standing back and watching the actors play out their dramas, by non-identifying with your story and seeing it as impermanent, this will help assist in loosening your own tight grip of identification. Utilizing R.A.I. N. as a practice can help you bring space to be with things as they are and grow in deeper understanding of what drives, underlies or fuels our fears, anger, and sadness.

Turning into our emotions can feel a bit foreign since most of us live in such a pain denying culture. Isn’t it time to begin acknowledging stress, anxiety or pain rather than suppressing, repressing, or all-too-quickly medicating it? Can we learn to view these challenges as a rite of passage instead of running away from them?

2. STOP.

Another tip to weave mindfulness into your daily schedule: before work, during lunch, before you walk into your home in the evening, or after you get the kids to bed at night. Writes Goldstein in his post “Stress Got You Down?”:

Creating space to come down from the worried mind and back into the present moment has been shown to be enormously helpful to people. When we are present we have a firmer grasp of all our options and resources which often make us feel better. Next time you find your mind racing with stress, try the acronym S.T.O.P.:

S - Stop what you are doing, put things down for a minute.

T - Take a breath. Breathe normally and naturally and follow your breath coming in and of your nose. You can even say to yourself “in” as you’re breathing in and “out” as you’re breathing out if that helps with concentration.

O - Observe your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You can reflect about what is on your mind and also notice that thoughts are not facts and they are not permanent. If the thought arises that you are inadequate, just notice the thought, let it be, and continue on. Notice any emotions that are there and just name them. Recent research out of UCLA says that just naming your emotions can have a calming effect. Then notice your body. Are you standing or sitting? How is your posture? Any aches and pains.

P - Proceed with something that will support you in the moment. Whether that is talking to a friend or just rubbing your shoulders.

3. Walk.

Walking is an easy way to incorporate mindfulness into your day. Heck, even walking to the frig to grab some milk provides 60 seconds of reflection time. So why not squeeze out the mindfulness potential? In his post, “4 Ways to Walk (Mindfully) into Mental Health,” Dr. Goldstein lists four ways we can apply the simple act of walking to mindfulness.

Appreciation - If you are fortunate enough to have the ability to walk, try and remember, it took you over a year to learn how to walk and these legs are often the unsung heroes that take you to and fro day in and day out. Thank your legs for all their efforts.

Grounding - Bring your attention to the sensations of your feet and legs as the heel touches the ground, then the base of the foot, then the toes, and then they lift. You can actually say to yourself, “heel, foot, toes, lift.” This is a way to connect to the action of walking in the present moment.

Open Awareness - Walk slightly slower and begin to open your awareness to all your senses one by one. Sight, sound, taste, feeling, smell. See what is around you, listen to the sounds, taste the air or whatever is in your mouth, feel the warmth, coolness, or breeze on your cheeks, smell the air. Then stop for a moment and see if you can take in all of the senses.

Mantra - As I mentioned in an earlier blog, you can also recite some sayings while taking a few steps. For example, take a few steps and during an in breath say to yourself, “breathing in, I have arrived, breathing out, I am home” or “breathing in, I calm my body, breathing out, I relax”. Or make up your own sayings.

4. Shower.

I actually use this one a lot. Because when the kids were young, my time in the shower was, honest to God, the only time I had to myself. So I was not so green and blasted the hot water for a good five to minutes, pretending I was under a tropical waterfall in Hawaii. In his post, “Turn on the Shower and Reduce Your Stress Today,” Dr. Goldstein writes:

What would happen if instead of thinking about all the plans you had to catch up on while you were in the shower, you took a pause, and then brought your nose to the smell of the soap…and again, just exploring the scent of it with your nose… What would happen if you then brought your attention to just feeling the sensation of the warm water against your skin and the feeling of goose bumps that might be there from the contrast of coming in from the cold? Oh… then the mind drifts back again about who you need to call at work, why are you doing this stupid practice, the upcoming meetings, when you need to pick up your kids, what you need to buy for dinner, as you begin to speed up and the tension mounts. What would happen if you noticed this, said to yourself “there goes my mind again”, and then brought your attention back into the shower where you were right now. How might your experience be different? How might your mood be different when getting out of the shower? Would you be more or less reactive with your family, roommates, or whoever you came in contact with next?

But I don’t.

Because I want her to like me. It’s part of being a stage-four people-pleaser.

I didn’t realize the extent to which I was holding back until, the other day, when I mentioned to my therapist something that I had told Dr. Smith–the psychiatrist that I see every four to six weeks–about positive thinking just not cutting it when you plummet to such a low depression.

My therapist asked me to back up and tell her more about that. Because either I hadn’t said anything about that to her in the last month or so or else she had missed it.

I stewed on that for a few days: Did I omit my frustration with self-help books and cognitive-behavioral techniques or maybe not express how depressed I have really been? And I realized that I divulge more to my psychiatrist about the status of my depression and anxiety than I do with my therapist.

Why? 

When I’m sitting on my doctor’s couch, I believe the most significant culprit to my bad mood is my illness. I’m somewhat like a diabetic going in to get her insulin levels checked.

However, when I perch myself across from my therapist, I feel more accountable for my moods … that I if I am unable to implement cognitive-behavioral adjustments, and thereby some find relief, that I am somehow to blame. Moreover, if I’m pulled back into addictive and destructive thoughts and behavior, I have gotten there by choice.

It’s nothing she says that makes me feel that way. She’s a wonderful therapist.

It’s just the nature of therapy versus psychiatry. By far, the easiest part of my recovery is taking my prescriptions and getting blood work done once a month or so. The real warfare takes place at the battlefield of my mind, where I must adjust my thoughts constantly, sometimes as much as ten times a minute, so that they don’t steer me into a dangerous and sticky place. My therapist is my coach, my captain, in that challenge. And so when I feel like the negative intrusive thoughts are winning 10 to 0 and it’s only halftime, I feel as though I must have, in some way, let her down.

Crazy, really, isn’t it?

But I’m not alone. According to a 2005 study published in the “Journals of the British Psychological Society,” of the study’s 85 respondents, 54 percent withheld significant information from their therapist, 42 withheld information related to depressive symptoms and behaviors. Nearly 75 percent said they did so out of shame. Like me, they wanted their therapists to think well of them.

But John Grohol of PsychCentral has some great perspective from a therapist’s perspective in his blog post called “Why Would You Lie to Your Therapist?”:

If you lie to your therapist, especially about something important in your life or directly related to your problems, then you’re wasting your and your therapist’s time. If you tell your therapist all about your depression, but leave out the fact that your mom just passed away last month, that’s an important, valuable piece of information that would be helpful for the therapist to know in order to help you better. If you tell your therapist you have low self-esteem or always feel insecure about yourself, yet leave out the fact that you purge after eating almost every meal, again, you’re only impeding your own recovery and treatment.

These are plain and simple lies, called lies of omission. And they prevent a person from moving forward in treatment.

I believe the reason many people leave out this kind of information is the same reason we have trouble mentioning embarrassing things to our family doc — we’re embarrassed by what we need to say, and feel the doctor might pass some sort of judgment on us. Whether it’s a rational fear or not doesn’t really matter, does it? One of the reasons many people seek out psychotherapy in the first place is to help combat irrational thoughts and fears, so in that context, it makes sense many of share this fear of being judged or embarrassed.

And yet, if you do nothing else in therapy, you should find some kind of way to share this sort of pertinent information with your therapist. It doesn’t have to be in the first session. But it does have to happen at some point.

Your therapist won’t judge you, and they won’t be embarrassed by what you tell them. They won’t criticize you for not sharing this information with them sooner. All they will do is use it to find a way to better help you and help you move forward.

Cicero said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” The English preacher John Henry Jowett wrote that “every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.” And according to Aseop Fables, “gratitude is the sign of noble souls.” A dear professor of mine just acknowledged a thank-you note I sent him and told me that “gratitude is the sign of maturity and wisdom.”

I don’t feel like I’m very good at gratitude. This virtue comes hard to a depressive whose first thoughts are seldom positive. It has only been with much work and lots of practice that I have been able to cultivate gratitude and be genuinely thankful. Here are 12 techniques I use to help me get to the parent of all virtues.

1. See with the heart.

One of my very favorite quotes is from Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s “The Little Prince”: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Every time I throw myself into a tizzy because things aren’t going as expected, or as I projected on my Excel spreadsheet for the year 2020, I have to remind myself that I’m looking with the wrong instruments: I need to go back and tell my heart to get some guts and speak up to my head because it’s starting to listen to my eyes again.

2. Change your language.

Learning how to see with the heart–shifting perspectives ever so slightly–is easier once you learn how to talk to yourself and to others. Dan Baker, Ph.D., writes in “What Happy People Know”: “Just as changing your life can change your language, changing your language can change your life.” I do a lot of self-bashing, and when I’m in the middle of a rant, I’m not able to be thankful. According to Baker, recent research has actually proved that: it’s impossible to be simultaneously in a state of appreciation and fear, which is why gratitude and appreciation are antidotes to fear. Moreover, the words I speak to myself and to others really do alter my perception of the world. But when I can recognize the toxic self-talk and change my choice of words, the seeds of gratitude can grow.

3. Get a gratitude partner.

Shifting perspectives–seeing that the cup you thought had one teensy drop is actually two-thirds full–and communicating with new language takes time, discipline, and practice. Just like working out. So it makes sense that a gratitude buddy might help you stay in line, just like your running partner does, or, well, is supposed to. Because, come on, who really wants to wake up at 5:30 in the morning on a dark, cold morning and jog around town, right? Only those who are training for the Olympics, exceptionally disciplined, or have work-out partners who will yell and get even if they are stood up.

4. Remember.

“Gratitude is the heart’s memory” says the French proverb. Therefore, one of the first steps to thankfulness is to remember… to remember those in our lives who have walked with us and shown kindness. I have been extremely fortunate to have so many positive mentors in my life. For every scary crossroad–when I was tempted to take a destructive path and walk further away from the person whom I believe I was meant to become–I met a guardian, a messenger, to lead me out of the perilous forest.

5. Keep a gratitude journal.

Gratitude can do more than make you smile. Research conducted by psychologist Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis, author of “Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier,” has found that it can also improve your health: raise energy levels, promote alertness and determination, improve sleep, and possibly relieve pain and fatigue. Emmons maintains that writing in a gratitude journal a few times a week can create lasting effects.

6. Write a thank you letter.

Another gratitude exercise suggested by Dr. Emmons, known as “the father of gratitude” in the psychology world, is to compose a “gratitude letter” to a person who has made a positive and lasting influence in your life. Emmons says the letter is especially powerful when you have not properly thanked the person in the past, and when you read the letter aloud to the person face to face.

7. Make a gratitude visit.

Emmons encourages folks to read their letters aloud in person. But I like to go free style. I just show up, usually to a high school or college classroom, and I tell the students what a difference in my life their teacher has made, that I hope that they know how lucky they are to be learning from such an exceptional person, and to be sure to take lots of notes because chances are that they won’t throw out their notebooks after the course is over.

8. Start a gratitude club.

This sounds like an idea for those with, well, lots of time on their hands. But I’m only suggesting it because it works. Last year, Group Beyond Blue held four “self-esteem forums,” where we got online at a specific time, and were each assigned one person to whom to write a warm-fuzzy letter. A few people visited the thread, just curious about what we were up to, and wept after reading some of the letters.

In his book, “Authentic Happiness,” Martin Seligman, Ph.D., the father of the positive psychology movement, describes the dramatic impact of “Gratitude Night,” where class members bring a guest who had been important in their lives but whom they hadn’t thanked properly. Each member of the class presents a testimonial about the person and thank them. Gratitude night has become the high point of his class, and many students remark on their evaluations of the class at the end of the semester that gratitude night was truly one of the best nights of their entire life. Writes Seligman: “We do not have a vehicle in our culture for telling the people who mean the most to us how thankful we are that they are on the planet.”

9. Acknowledge yourself.

Most published books include a page or two of acknowledgments, where the author cites all the persons who helped shepherd her book to production. It’s like the Oscar moment, when the actor is up on stage and is rattling off every name he can think of and hopes to God he didn’t forget anyone–especially his spouse. The truth is that most people, and especially those who suffer from low self-esteem, do forget a very important figure: themselves. Which is why I think a healthy activity is to write a page of acknowledgements to yourself. Mine would go something like this:

And I thank you, Self, for doing all that you do to try and keep me healthy: for storing the kids’ Halloween bags up where you can’t reach it, where you need a stool to get it down, which is entirely too much effort for a Kit Kat; for exercising four to five times a week; for going to therapy; for trying every day to erect boundaries between your work and home life; for taking six Omega-3 soft-gels capsules a day in addition to all the other vitamins and meds you swallow; for trying your best at good sleep hygiene; and for laughing at stupid stuff whenever possible, because I say that it’s better than crying.

10. Accept a gift.

Sometimes gratitude is hard because we don’t think we’re worthy of the gifts bestowed on us. Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. explains this problem in his book “Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment”: “When we do not feel that we are worthy of happiness, we cannot possibly feel worthy of the good things in our lives, the things that bring us happiness.”

One of the hardest acts of gratitude is to graciously accept a gift, to believe in the goodness of the person who gave it to us, and to believe in ourselves enough to receive it. When I was a senior in college, a homeless man wanted to take me out to lunch. I had been spending my Fridays at a shelter and we had become friends. I didn’t feel right about his spending the only dollars he had on a lunch for me. It should be the other way around.

“Let me take you,” I said. And he frowned and became sad.

“Please,” he pleaded, “Let me do this. It would make me happy.”

So I let him. And it did.

11. Pray.

“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice,” wrote Meister Eckhart. I remember that piece of advice as I say my prayers in the morning, the hour I spend running around the Naval Academy. I start with a rosary, then I launch into all my prayer requests, which probably sound to God like Katherine’s Christmas list does to me: “Mom, have that man, Santa, get me everything I have circled in this catalog, okay?”

And then, when I reach my favorite stretch of the run–where the academy field follows the Severn River, a gorgeous spot on the campus that takes my breath away–I don’t say anything. I just take in the beauty with a grateful heart. My only prayer for those three minutes is “thank you.”

12. Give back.

The other day I was trying to come up with a way of repaying a former professor of mine for all his encouragement and support to me throughout the years. Nothing I could ever do could match his kindness. No letter of appreciation. No visit to his classrooms. So I came up with this plan: perhaps I could help some young girl who fell into my path in the same way that he helped me. I told my professor-friend that I would try to help and inspire this lost person–I would try to guide her to a source of love and self-acceptance–just as he had done for me.

Giving back doesn’t mean reciprocating favors so that everything is fair and the tally is even. That’s the beauty of giving. If someone does an act of kindness for you, one way to say thanks is to do the same for another.

About a month ago, Time Magazine published the results of a landmark survey gauging where America stands on the battle of the sexes. The results show that women are much more powerful than they were 40 years ago. In the 60s, one-third of all workers were woman. Now half are. Almost 40 percent of women are the primary breadwinners or are contributing substantial income for the household budget. And according to a Mediamark Research & Intelligence survey, women make 75 percent of the buying decisions in the home. You know the telemarketer who asked for the decision-maker of the house? Apparently it’s the wife.

Women’s power extends to the academic world, as well. Author Nancy Gibbs explains in “Time” that half of Ivy League presidents are women, and the female dropout rate has been cut in half since the 70s. Also, the ratio of 60-40 of men and women on college campuses has reversed. Moreover, half of all law and medical degrees go to women.

But they are stressed, anxious, and not as happy.

Why?

According to the poll results, both men and women say that the government and businesses haven’t adjusted to the revolution and need to do more to help families manage it all. For example, 54 percent of women and 49 percent of men say businesses need to be more flexible with work hours and schedules; they also agreed that companies need to give more paid time off, better or more day-care options, and longer school days or longer school years.

But are women really less happy than they were back in the day we wore pearls with our aprons and greeting Dad at the door when he arrived home from work, the turkey roasting in the oven?

Gibbs writes, “It may be that women have become more honest with the same pressures and conflicts that once accounted for greater male unhappiness. Or that modern life in a global economy is simply more stressful for everyone but especially for women, who are working longer hours while playing quarterback at home.”

I think she nailed it there. It’s comparable to therapy. Before you sit yourself on that couch, you think have a few problems, but you’re not sure what they are. Then the therapist starts prodding you, and yikes! You got yourselves a lot of bloody problems.

From my perspective, I do think I have a more fulfilling life in that I have to use my head for more things than figuring out why the Bendaroos we ordered from the infomercial sucks in comparison to what they promised us. But my job does bring a considerable amount of stress. So I’m happier in one sense, and much more anxious and stress in another. Like Gibbs says, I am probably experiencing the male stress–the pressure transforming ideas and brain power into cash to buy dinner–than many women just simply didn’t experience 30 or 40 years ago.

This is the part in a post that I usually say something that makes you feel better. Like, oh but it’s going to get easier next month.

I don’t have any answers. But I’m glad someone at least asked the question because now I know I’m not alone in feeling like I’m one lousy juggler.

Psychologist Jessica Zucker, Ph.D. is a key contributor in the PSB project and an expert on the website, where she writes a blog. Since forming healthy attachments in the first year of life is so fundamentally important to mental health, I have interviewed Dr. Zucker on this topic. To get to the “This Emotional Life” website, click here.

Question: You mention that children who form secure attachments are less likely to experience mental illness later in life. Could you go over your six basic practices for successful bonding and attachment for new mothers?

Dr. Zucker: New motherhood can be incredibly joyous, overwhelming, and transformative. A mix of expectable complex emotions may emerge upon baby’s arrival. Sometimes women are baffled by the various feelings that arise and wonder how they might make sense of this flood of emotionality. An integral, albeit basic, tenet to savor during the initial period of this life-changing time is that attachment and bonding are a process. Getting to know your baby, understanding her cues, and falling in love with your infant and your newfound identity as a mother, may not happen over night. Or it might! Either way, having a clear desire to pave a path of consciousness and closeness can ensure that your baby will thrive. Though each parent-child dynamic is unique and therefore requires a depthful personal approach, here are six basic practices that can assist in laying the groundwork for successful mother-infant attachment and bonding.

1. Be mindful of your own emotional health and wellbeing.

However tempting it might be or no matter how much pressure culture harnesses, you do not need to achieve Super Woman status. Having realistic expectations of yourself, your newborn, and your partner will help combat disappointment, anxiety, and head-spinning thoughts. Your baby will have a much easier time in the world if she can rely on her mommy to be well and attuned. Therefore, your mental health is tantamount. It is estimated that over 80% of women experience postpartum blues and one in five new mothers experience postpartum depression. If symptoms exceed approximately four weeks, it is wise to take action and get additional support. Building an authentic relationship with your child will happen more readily when you feel available, present, and engaged. Getting help promptly, if needed, can increase healthy connectivity.

2. Provide consistency in behavior, predictability in care, relating, and responding.

People flourish when they feel felt. Healthy development stems, in part, through raising a baby in an environment that is consistent and predictable. The infant learns that she matters and can affect the world when mommy responds to her ever-changing needs in a clear and caring way. Early mother-infant moments make a resounding impact on how your evolving baby will come to feel about relationships- with self, others, and the world.

3. Create an atmosphere of protection, safety, and trust.

Trust grows when a feeling of safety exists. If you struggle with issues from your childhood around trust, pregnancy and new motherhood may be opportune times to address unresolved pain. Research reports that having a clear sense of personal history can do wonders for early attachment and bonding.

4. Connect with your baby through gazing and smiling, skin to skin gentle touch, cuddling and comforting, and play.

Attachment and bonding happen through spending time getting to know one another and enjoying the process of developing a relationship. Infants learn about their senses and their bodies through these early interactions.

5. Model thoughtful, reflective actions.

Impulsive, harried, and thoughtless behaviors can impede closeness. A healthful mother-infant relationship can be cultivated through understanding what you are feeling, how you are behaving, and making conscious choices to parent mindfully.

6. Cultivate a mindset of patience.

Attachment is not a finite event. Feelings about new motherhood may shift by the minute, the day, the week. Practicing patience will invariably benefit you as well as your burgeoning relationship with your baby.

Question: For persons who didn’t form attachment and bonding earlier in life, what are some ways that they can compensate for that or perhaps meet that need later in life?

Dr. Zucker: Ideally, attachment and bonding begin during the earliest moments of life, laying the groundwork for healthy relationships. However, there are myriad potential roadblocks that might inhibit mother-infant connectivity. When early attachment is thwarted, proactive measures can be taken in adulthood that can heal formative wounds.

1. Explore childhood history.

Early moments gone awry may result in feelings of disconnection, distrust, and perpetual insecurity. Taking steps toward repair may yield increased understanding and expansion of healthy connections. Though we can never get those initial moments of life back, exploring what you may have experienced in your family environment can bring fruitful insights and reparative understanding. The psychotherapeutic setting is an optimal context for delving into a variety of concerns that may have been piqued by feelings of relational longing. What was the relationship like between my parents when I was conceived? How was my mother’s pregnancy? What was my birth experience like? Did they feel emotionally and financially stable during my childhood? Is there mental illness in my family? Was my mom depressed or anxious during pregnancy or postpartum? Did she have social support? Did she feel connected to me? Did my mom enjoy her newfound role in parenthood? Does my mother have a solid understanding of herself? What was she like as a role model? Were her actions consistent, predictable, trusting, and loving? Gathering information and deeply investigating the earliest moments of relating can help us make meaning of who we are and why we are the way we are.

2. Examine relationship patterns.

Taking time to mindfully reflect on the relationships in your life may provide additional insight into how attachment and bonding were (or were not) embraced during childhood. The mother-infant relationship sets the stage for subsequent connections. But is this initial relational framework static, unwavering, impenetrable? When the earliest relationship paradigm is muddled or outright painful, it can be quite challenging to trust. However, recalibrating how we relate to people in the world is possible. It takes dedicated time. Bypassing the painful work is not possible if healing is the goal. Though it may be a circuitous endeavor, research reveals that having a bolstered understanding of your personal history can create a sense of freedom and healthier future relationships.

3. Ponder your parenting path.

If you are pregnant, a mother, hoping to become a mother, or don’t want children at all, pondering one’s parenting path is paramount. In other words, whether you want to have children or not it might be useful to think of who you are as a parent- a parent to yourself or to your children. When early attachments are dizzying or traumatic, people often suffer- resulting in challenged self-image, hardship in relationships, self-destructive behaviors, difficulty in school performance, and a lack of security in loving connections. Having children might be a springboard for healing the past with the opportunity to offer a markedly different experience of childhood to your kids. Growing compassion through mindful self-examination may shift your approach to relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself.

The psychotherapeutic relationship can be curative. The process of therapy is designed to provide space to delve into difficult places of interiority. Loss is felt when healthy early attachment and bonding do not exist. Yet, adulthood brings the opportunity to cultivate relationships with self and others that feel more resonant and fruitful. Doing the work to understand early pains, relationship patterns, and places of distrust and fear can potentially impact future experiences in connection.

Dr. Jessica Zucker is a psychotherapist and writer residing in Los Angeles. Her research and writing about various aspects of female identity development and women’s health came to fruition in her award-winning dissertation while completing her Ph.D. in clinical psychology. You may visit her website by clicking here.

To get to “This Emotional Life,” click here.

When I was nine, I figured that I was a young Christian mystic because I related much more to the saints who lived centuries ago than to other nine-year-old girls who had crushes on boys. I couldn’t understand how my sisters could waste quarters on a stupid video game when there were starving kids in Cambodia. Hello? Give them to UNICEF!

Now I look back with tenderness to the hurting girl I was and wished somebody had been able to recognize that I was very depressed.

Not that I would have accepted the help. I believed, along with all the other adults in my life, that my melancholy and sensitivity were part of my “special” make-up, that they were gifts to celebrate, not neuroses to treat. And should I take meds that helped me laugh and play and design cool barrettes like the other girls, well, then I would lose my depth.

On the PBS website “This Emotional Life”–a multi-platform project centered on a three-part series documentary to be broadcast in early 2010 hosted by Harvard psychologist and bestselling author Daniel Gilbert–psychologist Paula Bloom discusses the topic of being deep versus being depressed. On her blog post “Am I Depressed or Just Deep?,” she writes:

Sometimes, people confuse being depressed with being philosophical. If I had a dollar (well, maybe $2) for every time I hear “I am not depressed, I am just realistic”, “Anyone who isn’t depressed isn’t paying attention”, or “Life has no meaning and I am going to die, how can I be happy?” I could likely support a hardcore latte habit. Depression can have such an effect on your worldview.

There are a few basic existential realities we all confront: mortality, aloneness and meaninglessness. Most people are aware of these things. A friend dies suddenly, a coworker commits suicide or some planes fly into tall buildings-these events shake most of us up and remind of us of the basic realities. We deal, we grieve, we hold our kids tighter, remind ourselves that life is short and therefore to be enjoyed, and then we move on. Persistently not being able to put the existential realities aside to live and enjoy life, engage those around us or take care of ourselves just might be a sign of depression.



We all get sad sometimes, struggle to fall asleep, lose our appetite or have a hard time focusing. Does this mean we are depressed? Not necessarily. So how do you know the difference? The answer, as with most psychological diagnoses comes down to one word: functioning. How are you sleeping and eating? Are you isolating yourself from others? Have you stopped enjoying the things you used to enjoy? Difficulty focusing and concentrating? Irritable? Tired? Lack of motivation? Do you feel hopeless? Feel excessively guilty or worthless? Experiencing some of these things may be a sign of depression.

Peter Kramer, clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University, devotes an entire book to this question. He wrote “Against Depression” in response to his frustration of repeatedly being asked the same question: “What if Prozac had been available in van Gogh’s time?”

In a New York Times essay, “There’s Nothing Deep About Depression,” which was adapted from “Against Depression,” Kramer writes:

Depression is not a perspective. It is a disease. Resisting that claim, we may ask: Seeing cruelty, suffering and death — shouldn’t a person be depressed? There are circumstances, like the Holocaust, in which depression might seem justified for every victim or observer. Awareness of the ubiquity of horror is the modern condition, our condition.

But then, depression is not universal, even in terrible times. Though prone to mood disorder, the great Italian writer Primo Levi was not depressed in his months at Auschwitz. I have treated a handful of patients who survived horrors arising from war or political repression. They came to depression years after enduring extreme privation. Typically, such a person will say: ”I don’t understand it. I went through — ” and here he will name one of the shameful events of our time. ”I lived through that, and in all those months, I never felt this.” This refers to the relentless bleakness of depression, the self as hollow shell. To see the worst things a person can see is one experience; to suffer mood disorder is another. It is depression — and not resistance to it or recovery from it — that diminishes the self.

Beset by great evil, a person can be wise, observant and disillusioned and yet not depressed. Resilience confers its own measure of insight. We should have no trouble admiring what we do admire — depth, complexity, aesthetic brilliance — and standing foursquare against depression. 

Kramer’s words are consoling to a depressive who spends 90 percent of her energy a day combating thoughts saying she is depressed because she lacks the stamina to be optimistic. In fact, the first time I read Kramer, I experienced profound relief. However, I still maintain that some of my depth caused by depression is a good thing. Not on the days where I’m in excruciating pain, of course. But should I have been one of those nine-year-olds who got excited about which color ribbon I could use to make my barrettes and wasted her quarters on Pacman … well, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

What can you do to feel better? Sometimes you need to take action. When you do something to relieve your feelings and to give yourself a sense of achievement, you are accomplishing your journey through bereavement. Here are some activities–and some behaviors you can do–that are therapeutic for you during your bereavement.

1. Work is therapy.

If you are lucky enough to have a job, return to it even if just on a part-time schedule. The structure of getting up and out, the obligation to greet fellow workers, and the need to keep yourself together for a requisite number of hours is good for you.

2. Socializing is therapy.

It’s important for you to be among people. Lack of contact with friends and acquaintances is a predictor of difficulty in bereavement. There are probably folks who do not want to intrude in your life at this time and are deliberately staying away. If you are feeling isolated, then it’s wise to get in touch with those folks who are being too polite. Set up a lunch date, a weekend walk, or a shopping trip. Adopt a new social policy and say “yes” whenever you are invited anywhere.

3. Organizing is therapy.

When life threatens to overwhelm you, it feels good to have control over something–even if that something is just a room, a desk drawer, a closet, or a shelf. Get yourself back under control by organizing one area of your home at a time. This is a good opportunity to figure out what to do with your loved one’s belongings. Many people are helped when they bring all the loved one’s items, objects, and clothes into one room.

4. Taking action is therapy.

This can be your time to take action. Maybe you want to inform people about health insurance issues that were an obstacle for you. Maybe you want to persuade your political representatives to advocate for legalization of a particular drug or treatment. Or, perhaps you’d like to create a place to meet with others who suffered a loss similar to yours. There are folks who begin websites, chat rooms, or organizations and foundations to highlight a cause that needs consideration.

5. Food is therapy.

Nourish your body properly and it will be good to you. Use mealtime as a social event and invite neighbors and friends to join you. Plan ahead so that you will have company at meals. Get together with others for Sunday brunch, for Wednesday dinner, or for a midweek lunch at a restaurant.

6. Planning is therapy.

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

7. Religion is therapy.

There are many useful aspects of religion for the bereaved. There’s the joining of voices in song, the praying, the person of authority telling you that you will be helped, the regularity of meeting times, the social component to the service, and the comforting words in religious readings. A believer will find solace in religion.

8. Writing is therapy.

Putting your thoughts and your feelings into words will help you. Writer Sherri Mandell says that daily writing helped her get through that first terrible year after her son was killed. She remembers, “I would just write and cry and write and cry. It was my therapy.”

9. Art is therapy.

If you are interested in expressing yourself artistically, you are in good company. Some mourners do not speak in words but express their feelings in creative ways by painting, sculpting, writing poetry, writing songs, essays, plays, and more. You don’t have to be an accomplished artist or poet. You simply need to sit down and express your feelings. Novices and professional artists alike find artistic expression during bereavement therapeutic.

10. Learning is therapy.

There is a reciprocal relationship between competence and a good adjustment to the loss of a loved one. Take a one-day class or a full-term class. Attend a one-hour lecture or a summer school session. Learn how to do a magic trick or learn how to grow orchids. Learn, learn, learn.

11. Reading is therapy.

Reading can be your great escape to other lands and to other centuries. Novels may intrigue you and take your mind away from sadness. Memoirs may engage you in someone else’s life. Mysteries may compel you to use your brain to ponder a dilemma belong to someone else, not you–a welcome relief.

Want to learn more?
Check out the book on Amazon.com: Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again by Roberta Temes, Ph.D.

Much of this article is © 2009 Roberta Temes. All rights reserved. Published by AMACOM Books. www.amacombooks.org. Reprinted here with permission

There’s a story … of a lovely lady … who meets her prince charming and the two of them with their six combined children live happily ever after.

NOT!

Having been Cindy Brady myself — if you changed my stepsister into a boy and fused my twin sister and I into one girl, then you have it: the perfect Brady family — I know that there are bigger problems in the house than Jan’s inferiority complex to Marsha, Peter’s near death experience with a tarantula in Hawaii, and Greg getting a tad chilled in the meat freezer at Sam’s Butcher Shop when he gets locked in there. (Yes, I watched a lot of TV as a kid.)

The real issues? Peter hates Carol. He totally resents her because ever since she and her big hair came to stay, his dad isn’t around to throw the football or to check over his homework. And Cindy hates Mike. Despises him. Why should he tell her what to do? He’s not her dad. Plus he’s just a dweeb.

It’s worth investigating what makes a real Brady family tick because approximately half of all marriages in the US each year are remarriages for one or both partners and 65 percent of them involve children from a previous relationships. The divorce rate for remarriages with children are 50 percent higher than the marriages with no kids.

How do you make it work?

Here are four tips from Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

1. Form an airtight, solid relationship and show it to your kids.

Martin suggests doing this in small, simple ways like holding hands or telling them about one of your couple rituals, like where you go for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Having an airtight marriage means acting like a team, especially when it comes to conflicts about discipline and manners.

2. Have some childless time with each other.

Acting as a team and conveying a solid relationship to your kids is easier if you take time to nurture it, says Martin. She urges full-time stepmothers to take a childless vacation each year, to carve out a few days in the year where you can just be a couple. Date nights work, as does making your bedroom a childfree zone.

3. Learn how to fight.

Fighting doesn’t doom a relationship, says Martin. Fighting the wrong way does. She writes, “According to marital experts, it’s not fighting itself or even the frequency of fighting that leads to marital instability. It’s the way people fight. Some fighting styles can destroy a marriage, while others can actually strengthen it.”

Some pointers: 

• Cushion a hard request between two loving acknowledgements (”I know it’s difficult to deal with the tension between your kids and me. But I would just really like them to say hello to me when I walk in a room; Thank you for being so considerate of my feelings.”); 
• Put off an argument until a better time; 
• Know when to walk away from a fight; 
• Avoid the “four horsemen” of fights: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling; 
• Break the tension with humor whenever possible.

Therese: What are five clues you should be letting go of something?

Eileen:

1. You find yourself repeating the same complaint to different people.

We all get frustrated from time to time, but it’s not good for our mental or spiritual health to wallow in frustration. I remember once I got irritated with another mother at my kid’s nursery school after she did something that inconvenienced me. I complained to the first mother I ran into, and then the second. When I heard myself repeating the story for the third time, it hit me that I was making myself more agitated, not less. I was also putting poison in the community well. Someone had made an honest mistake, and I needed to get over it.

2. You’re churning over in your brain what you wish you (or someone else) had done.

You can’t change the past. Period. If you can’t stop thinking about something that has happened, reframe your internal conversation by asking what you have learned from the experience or what you want to do differently next time. Just replaying the same tape isn’t going to get you anywhere.

3. Your body is showing signs of anxiety.

Often our bodies give us clear messages about what is going on inside of us. For some people, anxiety manifests in not being able to sleep. For me, heartburn is a frequent symptom, as well as tight shoulder muscles. If you pay attention to how you feel when you are at peace as well as when you are anxious or angry, you can learn to use your body as a barometer. Awake at 2AM again? That may be your sign that you need to let go of something.

4. You are scheming how to make someone else do something.

Face it: you can’t force anyone else do anything, and the more you try, the more likely you are to push that person away. You can tell them what you want, but if you find yourself imagining ways to get them to do what you want, it’s time to back off and let go. (i.e. “Accidentally” dragging your boyfriend past the diamond store in the mall is not going to make him ready to get engaged, if that’s what you’re hoping.) Focus on making yourself happy, rather than trying to manipulate someone else.

5. You can’t appreciate the life you have because you keep focusing on what could be.

Every one has something to be grateful for, even if it’s just breathing. If it takes you more than several seconds to think of five things you are grateful for, you are probably focusing too much on a picture of how you wish things were. Counting your blessings is a time-tested way to let go of what you don’t have and focus on what you have.

Therese: And in reverse, what are five clues you should be making a change instead of giving up?

Eileen:

1. You can’t let go.

An inability to forget something may be a sign that you need to make a change. If you just can’t accept the fact that your boss doesn’t respect your work, maybe it’s time to polish your resume. If you are still grieving a lost friendship, maybe you need to write the person a letter to repair the relationship or get closure. Sometimes we need to take action before we can let go.

2. The problem will persist if you do nothing.

Forgiving someone for an honest mistake is one thing, but if someone continually does something that you find hurtful or annoying, you probably need to let the person know. Maybe if your neighbor knew that his music was bothering you, he would turn it down. Maybe not, but he won’t turn it down if you never tell him, and you are likely to get a better response if you mention it calmly when it is a minor annoyance, rather than waiting until you are exasperated.

3. You feel jealous of someone else’s accomplishments.

Jealousy can be toxic if we wallow in it, but it can also point us toward our unrealized goals. If you find yourself resentful of a friend who just published her first novel, maybe you should ask what creative venture you have put off. That could be the impetus to look for a writing class or take some other step toward what you want. 

4. People you trust believe you should make a change.

We have to be careful about following other people’s advice, but the truth is that sometimes other people see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Psychologists say that depression, for example, is often recognized by loved-ones before the depressed person can see it. Be open to the observations of people who have your best interests at heart, especially if they think you need some kind of help.

5. You angrily deny any problem.

If you get angry when someone suggests that you should be making a change, that’s all the more reason to take the person’s concern seriously. Anger is a typical symptom of denial. One way to break through denial is to look for objective evidence. One man I interviewed for The Wisdom to Know the Difference denied that he had a drinking problem until a counselor gave him a 20 question survey about drinking. When he answered yes to 18 of the 20 questions, he was jolted out of denial, giving him the boost he needed to join AA, a change that transformed his life.

To get to “Living the Serenity Prayer” by Eileen Flanagan, click here. Or visit her website at www.EileenFlanagan.com.

Several mom friends of mine have lately come down with a bad case of “empty-nest depression” — moms who just dropped off their youngest offspring to college, or moms having difficulty keeping busy now that the youngest is in kindergarten all day.

I googled the term “empty-nest depression” to see what I could find on this topic. I was surprised to see the Beyond Blue post I wrote in 2007 at the top of the search results. But, after reading it, I can see why it was so popular. I merely asked a question, and all of you answered it. On the comment box of that post are written different kinds of compassionate and insightful responses to my question: How do you treat empty-nest depression?

Beyond Blue reader Barbara initiated the discussion with this practical piece of advice:

I am a mother of five children; the oldest 29, the youngest 20 in college. My children all went off on their own around the age of 18. Those in college worked their way through school so only returned home for a weekend occasionally; not for summer vacation. I was involved in all their lives, but I hope, not as a smother mother.

During a long period of their growing years, I was suffering from major depression. My therapist encouraged me to find some work outside the home. He was aware how much emphasis and identity I had tied up in motherhood, and how deeply depressed I was. I totally rebelled because raising my children was my first responsibility. But an opportunity came my way that would allow me to use my musical talent one day a week at a school. For some reason, I agreed to do it. Later it went to two days, then three. I finally decided to return to college and finish my degree while still teaching three days a week. By that time, only my son was still at home. He found he loved karate so my husband and I juggled our schedules so that he would never come home to an empty house.

Gradually, and as my children needed me to step back from hands-on mothering, I found myself gaining a lot of satisfaction in my new life as a teacher. My children were proud of me, and were a very boisterous cheering section at my graduation.

Now my husband is on the road for weeks at a time, so my nest is really empty. I am happy that I started building for the future before the nest started emptying. My vow had been to be a stay at home mom like mine had been. But I now see how important it was to anticipate the changes that were inevitably in my future.

My suggestion to any woman currently suffering separation depression and loss of identity, is to remember that you have years ahead of you that can be quite fulfilling. After menopause, the energy that our bodies put into reproduction each month is over, and we often gain a new burst of it. I went back to college at age 50 and thoroughly enjoyed the challenge and the sense of accomplishment that earning my degree gave me. Also remember, that while your children have moved away to develop their own identity, they will eventually move back toward you, albeit in a new relationship. They will live on their own, but have a new appreciation for you, as you will for them.

Look at the skills that you developed and practiced as a mother and pick the brains of your friends for ways to incorporate them into a new life. It seems scary to step outside your comfort zone, but it is something that everyone has to do if they are to grow and find satisfaction in life.

Change is daunting for almost everyone. We like things to be familiar and easy to understand. Sometimes all we need is a bit of reassurance that someone else has been in our shoes, and managed to walk in them.

First of all, thank you for being honest. Because so many of us know exactly how you feel. I’m there a lot of the time myself. Less than I was the two years following my hospitalizations, but there too much of the time.

Doctor Smith would continually remind me during those first fragile years after my big breakdown that a slight setback in my recovery didn’t mean that I was plunging into a full-fledged depressive episode again, and that it wouldn’t take another 18 months to recover, like it did after my breakdown. These hiccups are normal, she reminded me. Recovery is never static, predictable, or symmetrical. On the contrary, it’s often messy, unpredictable, and annoyingly erratic.

I use a couple of cognitive reminders today when I’m panicking about relapsing.

1. My past doesn’t dictate my future.

They are totally separate. Just because I have been through an excruciating depression in my past doesn’t mean I will return to the same painful place every time my thoughts go south. Think of it this way: your brain is constantly forming. It’s part plastic. Which means, what was isn’t necessarily what is or what will be.

2. All things pass.

NOTHING is forever … which is a shame on the good days, but a lovely thing on the bad days. Moreover, this too shall pass. Everything does. Even the ice-cream truck in the summer. One minute it’s there, and then, bam! Gone to the next neighborhood. So much for the Klondike bars.

3. I will be okay.

Even if I do get sucked up right back into the Black Hole, I will survive it. I have before. I can rely on the reserves of strength and wisdom that got me out of there before (that is, in addition to some medication, in my case).

4. Have a plan.

Sometimes it helps to jot down some specific steps to take if you’ve just cried yourself through two boxes of Kleenex. A friend of mine knows it’s time to see her shrink when she doesn’t get out of bed for three days. My kids don’t really leave me that option, so my requirements are different: by the third day of crying incessantly I make an appointment to see Dr. Smith.

5. Be prepared.

You might not ever have a relapse. I hope you don’t. But if you suffer from chronic, and especially treatment-resistant depression, you can count on a few in your future. So be ready for the hurricane. For example, I always like to have at least two weeks worth of blogs uploaded in the blogging software that I can use in the event of a relapse. Some weeks I’m simply more productive than others, so I try to be like a communist country and even things out a little bit … taking the energy from the good weeks, and using them for the “my brain is a big fart” cycles.

What about you? How do you keep yourself from worrying about a relapse? Do you prepare yourself for one?

Therese: What are five ways a person can tackle perfectionism?

Michelle: Here they are …

1. Compare yourself to others.

I know, this probably sounds surprising when the prevailing wisdom says not to. But we perfectionists need frequent reality checks.

Think about whatever has you firing on all cylinders and what you’re hoping to achieve. A report with absolutely no errors? A living room fit to be featured in House Beautiful? A body like the cover model on that fitness magazine at the checkout stand?

Now notice how many people are doing quite well, thankyouverymuch, without raising the bar so high. People really do have satisfying relationships in non-model bodies, successful careers despite the occasional typo or misjudgment, and comfortable, happy homes with undusted mantelpieces. It’s good to look around and remind ourselves of this from time to time.

2. Use the 10-Year Question.

If you catch yourself ruminating about something you think you’ve done or might do less than perfectly, ask yourself, “Ten years from today, will I even remember this, let alone care about how well it was done or whether it was done at all?”

In the extremely rare cases where you answer “yes” and “yes,” go ahead and give the doing or fixing your best effort, and then move on. Most of the time, though, this little thought exercise will help dissolve your worry, or at least shrink it down to a more manageable size.

3. Take some time out.

Perfectionists overcommit–to others and to themselves. See if you can find a way out of an upcoming obligation (or two, or three) that you don’t really want to do but think you “should.” Also, look at your own to-do list and see what you can defer for now, or even take off your list entirely. To get my post on this, click here.

Now don’t just fill up this time with other stuff. There will always be more stuff. Allow it to be “white time” (analogous to white space) during which you have absolutely no agenda. Do whatever your body and spirit want–take a nap, go somewhere for a change of scenery, stretch, dance, meditate, walk on grass, finger-paint.

Perfectionism stems from an overly self-critical mind. Give your mind a break and let it rest. Nurture the other parts of you — they deserve it. Gradually, your mind will learn that the world doesn’t end if you leave it to itself for a little while.

4. Take one tiny but direct step.

It seems counterintuitive, but there’s a direct link between perfectionism and procrastination. You’d think perfectionists would want everything done neatly, thoroughly and on time, right? Instead, we often feel such pressure to do things perfectly that we overwhelm ourselves before we even start. Then we keep ourselves occupied with a million other things so that we always have a handy excuse for why we’re not doing Whatever It Is.

Try picking one very tiny thing and just doing it. Make the thing so small that it doesn’t intimidate you. But make sure it points directly toward something you want. Don’t browse the Internet for workout shoes–go outside and walk around the block. Just once. But do it. A single baby step is worth more than any amount of beating yourself up over not taking any action.

5. Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend.

I have a friend who calls me on this whenever she observes me going into overdrive. “If I were handling everything you are right now,” she asks me, “and I started criticizing you the way you’re criticizing yourself, would you stand there and take it? Or would you tell me to go fly a kite?” (pregnant pause) “Then why do you let you talk to yourself that way?”

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

Therese: What is your biggest obstacle in “practicing imperfection”? How do you get around it?

Michelle: I’m hyper-organized (is there a medical diagnosis for that? oh, yeah, OCD) and a diehard tweaker of systems. I can spend hours and hours searching for the “perfect” planner and then customizing it for every possible contingency, but then never actually using it.

I also seem to have this need to “clear the decks” before starting on major projects. So no, I can’t possibly track my finances until I have all my stray papers filed so I can find them, which means going through the box of papers in the corner, which means pruning my file cabinet of outdated material to make room for the new, which means getting some WD-40 to fix the drawer because it’s almost stuck shut, which means a trip to . . . etc., etc.

One of my newest mantras has become “Just start somewhere.” I’ve realized (verrrry grudgingly) that the inbox of my life will never be empty. Things will never coalesce into a perfect starting point with neatly squared corners and no loose ends. So I continue giving myself pep talks about this. And slowly, very slowly, I’m noticing how small steps really do have a cumulative effect over time. That not everything has to be exactly the way I’d like it for me to experience progress.

My blog is a great example. I’ve never done anything like it before, and I’m completely intimidated by the technical aspects of it. I also wanted to have something like 20 posts in the hopper before I even launched, because I was afraid of getting writer’s block. But in April of this year I enlisted the help of some friends to set up the site, and just started writing.

Does the website look and function exactly the way I want it to? Nope. Are there sections I need to complete, or even create? Absolutely. Can I afford a professional site design at this point? Hah! But I didn’t let any of that keep me from starting, and I’m learning as I go. I’ve made some great online friends and received helpful feedback and advice, none of which would have happened if I hadn’t plunged in the deep end and just started somewhere. And I’m having fun!

So, in the spirit of October, I present to you (maybe Pfizer will pay me millions to write their next commercial?) … Depression Is Like a Pumpkin. Click through to view the video…

Emotional vampires are lurking everywhere and wear many different disguises–from needy relatives to workplace bullies. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out.

Without the self-defense strategies to fend them off, victims of emotional vampires sometimes develop unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings, or feeling fatigued.

Here are five types of emotional vampires you’re likely to encounter, and some “silver bullet” tips for fending them off.

Vampire 1: The Narcissist. 

This vampire is grandiose, self-important, attention hogging, and hungry for admiration. She is often charming and intelligent–until her guru status is threatened.

Self-defense tips: Enjoy her good qualities, but keep your expectations realistic. Because her motto is “me-first,” getting angry or stating your needs won’t phase her. To get her cooperation, show how your request satisfies her self-interest.

Vampire 2: The Victim. 

This vampire thinks the world is against him, and demands that others rescue him.

Self-defense tips: Don’t be his therapist, and don’t tell him to buck up. Limit your interactions, and don’t get involved in his self-pity.

Vampire 3: The Controller. 

This vampire has an opinion about everything, thinks he knows what’s best for you, has a rigid sense of right and wrong, and needs to dominate.

Self-defense tips: Speak up and be confident. Don’t get caught up in bickering over the small stuff. Assert your needs, and then agree to disagree.

Vampire 4: The Criticizer. 

This vampire feels qualified to judge you, belittle you, and bolster her own ego by making you feel small and ashamed.

Self-defense tips: Don’t take what she says personally. Address a misplaced criticism directly. Don’t get defensive. Express appreciation for what’s useful. Bounce back with a massive dose of loving-kindness.

Vampire 5: The Splitter. 

This vampire may treat you like his BFF one day, and then mercilessly attack you the next day when he feels wronged. He is often a threatening rageaholic who revels in keeping others on an emotional rollercoaster.

Self-defense tips: Establish boundaries and be solution-oriented. Avoid skirmishes, refuse to take sides, and avoid eye contact when he’s raging at you. Visualize a protective shield around you when you’re being emotionally attacked.

Judith Orloff, MD, is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. Her new book, upon which these tips are based, is “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life.”

Ever since I was discharged from the inpatient psychiatric program at Johns Hopkins, I have kept a mood journal where I daily record the amount of hours I sleep, my mood (rating it a fantastic and serene no. 1 to a frazzled, and I’m-headed-back-to-the-community-room no. 5), any foods that have triggered hyperactivity or irritability (such as a triple espresso and half of a chocolate-mousse pie), my anxiety level, any medication and vitamin/supplement changes, and a list of things I’m obsessing about: weight, job, friends, sisters, yada yada yada.

My journal looks like my house: messy … dangerously messy. I scribble something down and then Katherine gets a hold of the pad and draws a mermaid, or a big X through the object of obsession. In other words: it’s not a good system. Not at all. And it can’t really do the job of picking up patterns in order predict relapses. The information is too unorganized for that.

So ….

I decided to try the Optimism Software that my blogging buddy James Bishop has designed. Keep in mind that I am a technological moron, and had to ask him about 10 times how to download it. (If I can do it, you can definitely do it.) But after it was on my desktop and I could open it and start inputting my dysfunctional habits, I decided he was a genius.

Because it is much more than a software.

It’s a way of making you a more active part of your recovery.

For example, in that last month I’ve been using the software, I have become more disciplined about my sleep hygiene. I go to bed at 9:30 every night, and I get up at 5:30 in the morning. Knowing that I have to track my sleep in Optimism makes me less apt to act on the “This is brilliant! Let’s stay up all night!” thoughts that come in right as I’m about to shut down for the night.

I’m also more aware of the contents that I put into my mouth. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that James’s software makes me eat better. (He would be very wealthy if this was the case.) But knowing that I have to record the items that tease my mood (pancakes with lots of maple syrup, double chocolate-chip cookies, mochas, fruit pops) make me more aware of the connection between the two (cookies and mood). And, I’m thinking that this awareness will eventually translate into more will power. At least that’s the plan.

The act of recording your diet, sleep, exercise, and stressors makes you more accountable. James writes:

Optimism prompts you to keep a detailed record of all things that affect your state of mind. By monitoring patterns in your life you can identify negative influences that you need to avoid, early warning signs that your health is deteriorating, and the inputs and activities that benefit you most. Simple charts highlight cause and effect relationships that you might normally miss, and you can develop a Health Plan to follow and update as you learn more about the things that positively and negatively affect you.

Go to FindingOptimism.com to find out more or to download a free trial.

I should also note that Optimism is now available in an online-version as well, and they are working on an iPhone version too for your mobile phone.

Optimism is “an action plan” for your mental health — it can be just the thing you might need to help keep you going toward your goals in therapy, life, or just changing behaviors or habits that are no longer working for you.

The best way to try out Optimism to see if it holds any value for you is to download the free 7-day trial and commit to using it during those 7 days. You may be surprised that such a simple idea can translate into such a big deal in your life!

-Dr. John Grohol