Years ago a psychologist by the name of Robert Sternberg came up with a pretty good explanation that is difficult to improve on. What Sternberg did was to break down true love into three parts. I will try to share them so that you can easily apply them to your situation in a simple way. These three parts will help you to determine if what you have in your relationship is true love!

Part 1: Passion
This part includes physical and sexual attraction. It is like “Wow!”… You might hear angels and music…… . You initially cannot get over this person. The attraction is overwhelming. Pheromones abound. Electricity and chemistry are constantly zapping and bubbling in and around you. You feel an obsessive need to have your feelings reciprocated. For most persons, this is the first part of feeling attraction.

Part 2: Intimacy
Intimacy leads to attachment. It creates closeness and connectedness. We call this process becoming bonded with another person. Intimacy grows first by spending much time with another person. Then it grows deeper by sharing with one another every aspect of our lives. Intimacy is built on trust and safety. If you cannot trust and feel safe with a person then intimacy disappears and will degenerate into distrust and suspicion.

“’Come to the edge,’ he said. They said: ‘We are afraid.’ ‘Come to the edge,’ he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” Guillaume Apollinaire

Why is it that when you are exposed to certain kinds of art you sometimes feel despair, depression, etc. while other types connect you with the sublime? I remember very well having attended various art museum shows and then suddenly sensing great despair and hopelessness as I looked at a series produced by a visiting visual artist. Asking others in the room what they sensed, I found it quite intriguing that they felt the same.

Almost all my life I have been involved in some form with the visual and performing arts, either as a student, an admirer, or even marrying a watercolor artist. It is no surprise that my own children have gone on to become forces of their own in the contemporary art world (http://www.TMSisters.com) being featured in common and trade publications as well as doing shows all over the world. Over the years, being so surrounded by this world, I have developed relationships with visual and performing artists, often serving them as a mentor, coach, or psychotherapist.

In my trek to understand the relationship between emotional states and creative output of the artist, I have seen, what appears to be, a correlation. In dealing with many visual and performing artists, I have noticed that there is a difference between the art they produce when they are stuck in low emotional states and the art they make when they are in highly positive and healthy states. I am not speaking of experimental works such as in acting and taking on certain characters, though even this can have a deleterious effect on the person. I am referring more to stuck emotional states in the artist.

I have known brilliant visual artists whose talents are simply amazing, yet when you look over their work, you become depressed. Some of these artists possess phobias such as agoraphobia (fear of going into public places) and claustrophobia (fear of crowds). It is interesting that, one in particular, portrays scenes in the darkness of night with clandestine activity done by classically oppressed people. The metaphors are powerful indeed.

Clusters of Darkness and Light
It does not take a psychoanalyst to see that there are clusters of emotions that go from the very dark to the realm of great light, symbolically. In other words, there are emotional states that are very detrimental with negative effects while there are others that are quite resourceful and healthy. These emotions go the whole gamut… from those emotions that make a person experience negative feelings all the way to those that are full of health and sublime.

Shame
Take, for example, lower emotional states such as shame. A person can be stuck in shame for many reasons. The most probable is that this person experienced forms of humiliation at earlier stages of their life. Their outlook to life can be very miserable and, if they are spiritual, they view their Higher Power as one who despises them.

Victimization, Grief, Fear, and Anxiety
A slightly more resourceful, yet, destructive emotional state is victimization. Feeling like a victim can easily create an extreme narcissist blaming others. They think they are entitled to better treatment than the rest of the world. Victimization can also create a guilt-ridden individual who cowers at the “meow” of a cat. This takes us to another level up into the realm of despair, which creates hopelessness and apathy. Art created by individuals stuck at this emotional state can be quite disturbing to one’s psyche. Other more resourceful but negative emotional states could be those of grief, fear and anxiety. With grief, you can see the artist sharing his worldview of sadness with us. I appreciate the pain many of these artists carry, but I can only bear the burden but briefly before I get drawn into the abyss of tragedy. The same goes for artists that live in fear. They see the world as a frightening place. As a result they live in the shadows. Their artistic expressions show it.

Anger and Pride
The last cluster of negative emotional states is, what I would call, living in anger and pride. I know some artists that are carrying a very heavy load of rage coupled with arrogance. One artist I am acquainted with is constantly trying to prove that he is the ultimate male. You see symbols of his father-anger emanating from his brilliant works that are full of vitriol trying to shock the public. I once engaged this artist and found it quite interesting that his view of a Supreme Being was that of a very angry paternal creature. The artist grew up without a father in his life.

A Better Way
If I were to stop here, I would not be doing the reader or artists any favor by abandoning them to the despair of being stuck in lower emotional states. For that reason, I would like to say that there is a better way. There are whole other levels of emotional states that leave dark outlooks behind. These levels provide the emotional platform to produce inspiring and sublime art.

Neutrality
When an artist crosses from the world of emotional darkness into the world of most resourceful emotions he then goes under a fabulous transformation of sorts. The first step to higher and better emotions is to attain to an emotional state of neutrality. This is where you tell yourself, “It is all good!” A smile breaks out and the sun comes up in your life. Art created in this state can often be very humorous and playful. It can be fun to enjoy this kind of art. The artist can begin to laugh, even at himself. The Divinity laughs with him.

Hope, Compassion, Understanding, and Unconditional Love
An even higher level of emotion is the state of being filled with hope. It creates optimism. The artistic expression gives hope to others witnessing it. Herein is the birthplace of inspiration which is contagious. A next upward cluster of emotions could be that of compassion for life, understanding, and unconditional love. These are extremely powerful forces inside of a person. Having compassion for life enables the artist to forgive those who have created pain for them and others. It is here where the artist begins to take on the role of a healer. Balanced by a carefully thoughtful and balance outlook of circumstances, the artist is able to move into the realm of releasing unconditional love to the world through their medium of art. There are certain types of music, performances, or visuals that create moments of awe, moments that mend the soul. It is almost like something other-worldly happens. One is enveloped by a powerful sensorial field. It is not very often that I have experienced this but when I have I knew that I was at a very special and pivotal place at that moment. Usually, my life became altered in a very significant way.

Joy and Peace
The last cluster I would like to cover is that of joy and peace. Having experienced the healing of unconditional love, one can move into the realms of ecstatic joy and peace. This is the kind of transcendence Gandhi and Mother Teresa spoke about. It is as if a Divine transcendence captures one’s spirit. Once a person has tasted it, it is like a drug. You want more. The artist who has attained these levels is similar to a Shaman. His work emanates powerfully uplifting forces. Words cannot contain enough adjectives to describe the experience. One is speechless. The artist that consistently reaches this emotional state is one who lives touching the face of God and dances with the angels. It almost seems like nothing in this world really matters anymore.

Even though I have worked in academia for years and have enjoyed the benefits of helping learning minds to expand their horizons, I have had one gnawing concern. Learning institutions typically help students, at best, to make a living but they fail miserably at teaching how to live life. These areas pertain to the realm of accumulated wisdom. Of course, wisdom presupposes knowledge, that is, the correct and consistent application of knowledge as truth. As a behavioral professional and an academic, I wish institutions would teach practical things such as how media, government, religion, and even academia itself, can indoctrinate the masses. For the purpose of this article I will focus on the media (and a little on academia).

I can very much remember talking to journalism students and perusing their text books. I noticed the emphasis on “objective and balanced reporting.” I always laugh. Having been a student who used “qualitative methods of research” I knew very well how every bit of research made by any human being is always tainted at some level with some bias. I know some will have a cow at this but even quantum physicists tell us the same. In the media, even a well-intentioned journalist is affecting his message in some form.

I would like to focus on how the media can manipulate the masses through their message. You still see journalists reacting, “How dare you question me!” as if they belonged to some privileged priesthood directly connected to a Divine stream of ultimate truth.

I have endeavored to share just some of the tactics of psychological manipulation of mass thinking. Most reading this will easily recognize these. I don’t claim to provide an exhaustive list.

Guilt by Association

All that is necessary to destroy a person’s character publicly is to take that person and overtly or covertly associate them to something the masses will reject. Never mind if it is true or not, simply to question it or make the association is sufficient.

One example that comes to mind is a very clever twist I saw used by a famous newspaper. At the time, a political leader, greatly disliked by the editors of a newspaper, was portrayed in a very interesting way. They put an article and his photo strategically in very close proximity to a picture of a circus clown that was part of some other story. I thought to myself, “Now that tactic wins the prize!” It was very subtle and very subconscious in approach. The ultimate message was, “This person is a clown, therefore laugh at him and consider him non-credible like you would with a clown.”

Another very typical way of using this same tactic is to connect, even if it is through intricate stratagem, the person to some law-breaking, shady, person, organization, or action. Even if it is not true, it will leave a dark cloud of doubt in the mind of the person receiving the information. That is why slander is so effective in destroying enemies. The media will never come out and admit that they do this. They are accountable to no one, much like some sort of immaculate and narcissistic god.

Just a Little Poison

The next way the media tries to manipulate minds is through, what is called, the verisimilitude. Now that is a real mouthful. It means that something is “very similar” to something else. In this case, it is mixing a little poison or a lie with the truth. It is possible to ingest into your body gallons of healthy food. If you simply mix a small amount of extremely powerful poison with it, you would be dead soon. If we graduate the amount of poison into smaller dosages we can do the same over time, at a much slower rate but getting the same results… your demise.

All the media has to do, in order to destroy a person, is to slowly administer lies (poison) about a person mixed in with good things. Eventually, they destroy their enemy and they come out looking like choir boys; clean and glistening.

Make it Funny
I’ve already mentioned how a political leader was made to look like a clown. I remember an influential leader characterized by the media as a bafoon, idiot, and dumb person. I can still see the political cartoons drawn of him making him look like some human monkey creature. Typically, monkeys are funny and into mischief. That message stuck.

Along these lines, photos that show the bad side of a person, and everyone has them, are used to portray enemies as stupid and/or psychotic fools. You can sometimes see this approach when a publication deliberately uses a photo of a person looking cross-eyed or bizarre. The editors choose photos that make the person look their worst. In contrast, when their favorite persons are put on the same page, they are shown in a hero’s stance, making them look their best. Coincidental? Absolutely not!

Making Sandwiches
A great technique to help build self-esteem in people, while correcting them, is called the “sandwich technique.” This approach is amazing because it uses positive reinforcement of the individual before and after you have shared a difficult area they need to change in. This assures to them that you still like them and that you respect them. It makes your message easy to accept with them.

When you take the same technique and switch it around, placing something positive in-between two negative pieces of information, it becomes quite destructive. In the media, you can come out looking objective and with a “pass” if you use this technique while still destroying your enemy. It is one of the most commonly used approaches by the media, in article after article pertaining to persons they dislike. Notice this… All you really need to hurt your opponent is to do a news piece on them. You start and close the report with negativity and doubt. This leaves a black cloud over their character. You get a free pass and you still got to be very nasty. This is like a school bully brat that gets away with murder and yet looks good.

Stacking the Experts
Have you ever noticed on TV a panel of intellectuals, journalists, etc. are chosen carefully where it is in disproportion but still looks balanced? Sometimes it is outrageously blatant and sometimes it is covert. Let’s say we dislike a position but we cannot say so for fear of looking bigoted. We can handpick the majority of our experts that will agree with us. Then we bring only one person that represents the side we dislike. We unload the pit-bull dogs on that person, all the while we look “balanced.”

Ridicule and labeling
I am often amused at the interesting adjectives used by a proponent of one side against the other. We hear words like “racist,” “Nazi,” “?-phobe,” “pin-head,” “antiquated,” “irrelevant,” “killer,” and more. By applying these labels on that person, what happens is that you freeze, isolate, and polarize that person. You make them out to look like they are part of a dangerous, scary, and insane fringe. This process is otherwise known in history as “character assassination.” In this case, it happens in the public forum on full display. Have you ever noticed that if the same is applied to the media, it is considered blasphemy? Who makes the media accountable? No one. They are free to destroy anyone they choose. That is why they secretly fear the internet. The tables can be turned on them by some little guy behind a screen.

Repetition Makes True
Incessant repetition of a lie registers as truth in the mind of the masses. Mass hysteria can be created by repeatedly reporting the dangers of some microbe infesting humans and taking over the world in tones of panic. Some of the most successful tyrants in history used great emotion and repetition to their advantage. Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler’s propaganda minister said that if “You repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.” This brings us to my next point.

Make the Devil Look Like God and God Like the Devil
Hitler himself said, “By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise.” In this technique, the attacker makes himself look like a benefactor and savior. He twists the sides. Have you ever wondered why the media narcissistically loves to see themselves as the protectors and keepers of truth? It almost has religious indoctrination undertones, doesn’t it? In classical religious literature we are told that the Devil deceives and disguises himself as an angel of light. I call this, characteristically, the reversing of the poles by making black look like white and vice-versa.

Conclusion
I don’t claim to have covered all aspects of the art of deceit as used in the media. These are as old as man himself. I simply attempted to provide some of the more obvious typical forms of deceit used to psychologically manipulate the masses. What can we learn from this? Perhaps the biggest lesson could be that we must not be naïve.

We must discriminately keep awake and aware. We must be hungry for truth wherever we find it. We must protect it and defend it. We need to be careful to avoid coming to hasty conclusions just because the “experts” say it. It is, very much, an individual journey. It is a great quest but filled with minefields. Be careful and beware.

How does someone become a narcissist, or are they born that way?

It depends, children, especially newborns, demand constant attention but that is a process of survival. Eventually, as they mature, they should learn that they are not the only ones on earth with valid needs. That is where patience, consideration, and other valuable social traits are developed.

In my personal opinion, I see two options a person can take. When there are parents who are extreme narcissists, they will tend to be inattentive to the emotional needs of their child. Those needs might get ignored, ridiculed, shamed, or attacked. In the end the child is hungry for love and attention. Having a love deficit may cause a child to do one of two things:

1) Become an actor in order to get the admiration and attention the child needs. The parents are not safe. They disdain showing neediness and pain. The parents live for appearances. The child is emotionally bleeding and trying to survive because of experiencing emotional neglect. As a result, the child cannot find safety in parents and thus starts to hide to survive. The child experiments with playing false impersonations. They soon find that they can manipulate their parents and others by acting. With this foundation, they embark on the path of wearing all kinds of disguises and masks in order to get anything they want, especially from persons who have love-hunger and seek to please to get it. They become incredibly selfish, unfeeling, and expert manipulators.

2) Another way that extreme narcissists are created is by being brought up super-pampered. Being brought up without negative consequences for being selfish and hurtful creates a social monster. We call them brats, but this is “Brat-Supreme.” These individuals know little of respecting other’s personal boundaries. They believe they are gods… or God. Their Ego knows no bounds in grandiosity.

Do you think narcissism is something of a growing 21st century problem?

Yes, as a result of Baby Boomers/Hippie Generation wanting the best for their children, they have created children who feel entitled and who believe they deserve unreserved success without much difficulty.

What are some everyday traits that might indicate someone is a narcissist? (Constant Facebook updates? Attention seeking?)

Some common traits that tend to show extreme narcissism can be incessant talk about self, exaggerating personal accomplishments, lack of empathy and sensitivity for others, public displays of grandiosity as in the case of social network media constantly displaying body, muscles, sex appeal, constantly talking about “self.”

Another form of narcissism is victimization. If narcissism were a coin, one side would be grandiosity (“I am bigger than you!”), while the other side is victimization (“I am better than you because I suffer more than you do.”). With victimization, a narcissist will insist that you do not know how hard he or she has it in life. This narcissist shames you for not taking care of them or taking up their cause.

There can be narcissists on both sides of a cause or argument. A person can be a totally victimized narcissist about one side of a position or argument as well as the opposite. This can be true in the realms of politics (Conservatives vs. Liberals), morals about life choices (abortion vs. anti-abortion), or as simple as choosing what color to paint a wall. A skilled narcissist uses “suffering” as a device to get attention. Most persons fall for their trap because they have been made to feel insensitive and uncaring otherwise.

How can narcissistic behavior damage relationships (both romantic and platonic)?

Extreme narcissist create untold damage in relationships by using the goodwill and loving sacrifice and dedication of the other person much like a Spider sucks the life-juices from a victim. The Spider ignores the carcass when it offers no more sustenance. Another metaphor is that extreme narcissists are relational vampires. They take your blood until you have none left. They destroy you. They will make you think they “really” care for you when, in reality, they are using you and taking from you. They return very little to your emotional health. Because they are scared to death of you finding out how weak and hurting they are in their inside, they freak out and panic when you get too close. In such cases they disappear or withdraw.

They often do not return calls. In this process they can also make you feel like you are the culprit and a bad person to make you feel guilty and deflect your interest in entering their soul. A narcissist is never wrong… because he is God. You, however, are always wrong, according to the narcissist. As a therapist I have found that many women who have love deficits fall for the traps of narcissists. They have Yo-Yo and Bi-Polar relationships with these men. It is nerve racking. The men use calculated tenderness, expert guilt-tripping and simple abuse to wear down a good woman. In the end, they destroy her, leaving an emotional disaster behind. He then goes on the prey for the next fool, never believing he ever did anything wrong.

How can narcissistic behavior be damaging in the workplace?

Narcissists in the workplace are mostly seen in ego-centric bosses. Behind their backs, the employees call them “?ss-holes.” They are hated and employees do the minimum to please them. If an employee is more gifted than the boss, he must be careful. Narcissistic bosses feel threatened by persons who are better than they are and who can steal the glory from them. Extreme narcissists are extremely insecure. As long as an employee can make the narcissistic boss look good then they are “needed” and an indispensable part of the team… his team. The moment a narcissistic boss feels threatened or has taken all credit from an employee then that employee is dispensable. He is done with that person and so he tosses them into the trash heap of human debris.

What should you do if you want to help a narcissistic friend snap out of it?

It is questionable whether a true narcissist can really have a friend, unless that friend is an appendage or subservient person to the narcissist. Having an extreme narcissist as a “friend” is a dangerous relational sign. It says that the “friend” is weak and gets used. Can the “friend” help the narcissist to snap out of it? Not really. It is recommended to run for the hills and make friends with those who really care. Avoid narcissists. Narcissists die alone and miserable. Don’t’ let them take you with them.

What can you do if you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and you’re frustrated?

Leave them. Narcissists are extremely toxic to your health. They will destroy you in time and leave a human wreckage behind. Your heart will get ripped out of you and fed to the pigs. Understand that an extreme narcissist is a severely sick person. Avoid at all costs.

Can narcissism be “cured”?

Maybe. It depends on the skills of the clinician. Most behavioral clinicians have difficulty knowing how to work with one. For an extreme narcissist to be “cured” he must want to heal and be willing to admit he is unhealthy. For most extreme narcissists, that is simply asking too much. For an extreme narcissist to want to change there must be a gigantic and earth-shattering series of events in their lives to break them of their grandiosity, extreme selfishness, entitlement, and self-righteousness.

Should an extreme narcissist be willing to be helped, the clinician must be skilled enough to find the wounds of his inner soul, help heal them, and replace them with healthy self-images and patterns for relational dynamics. The only kind of extreme narcissist that can be cured is a broken one.

If an extreme narcissist were religious, he would worship himself. He would apply to himself the phrase that says, “You shall have no other gods besides ME!” Narcissists are full to the maximum… with themselves.

In my years of studying human nature and counseling many individuals, I have come across an amazing type of narcissist. This kind of narcissist is the one who is so seductive he makes you like or believe in him or her with your whole heart. In my personal opinion, this type is the most dangerous of all narcissists.

The following are some characteristics of this impressive little “god.”

Charming

Charm creates a feeling of being delightfully attracted to something. You can be fascinated with something or someone because of beauty. Though the looks of a person can be stunning to the point of you saying, “Wow!”, nevertheless, a captivating narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not the core. You can also be charmed by the pulling power of someone reflecting you so as to create a deep rapport. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time or you feel initially safe with them. They have unlocked the door to your insides. A skilled extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your music back to you so that you feel like he has your playlist of favorite songs.

More astute than you

An astute person is one who creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, an angle few think about. Skilled narcissists can typically outsmart most folks. They are three steps ahead of you. They are also fast in coming out with these unique approaches. That is why you are constantly intrigued by them. When your relationship sours with one of these narcissists, you better watch out. They generally have already thought through how you might react and are ready to discredit you or destroy you. They have their ducks in order. When they get a lawyer you can bet that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you.

Great storyteller

A skillful narcissist can be some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave a complex story and mesmerize you with amazing statistics, trivia, quotes, history of events, to the point that you could feel overwhelmed. Naturally, they would be the center of those stories, often re-writing history. These skillful narcissists are hardly boring. They incessantly can talk to you with interesting information. Those I have known, I have often gleaned amazing information from. They too are students of human nature, but with a goal in mind. Their goal is to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence among those around them. Sometimes they exaggerate their claims and position. Sometimes they exaggerate their claims and position. The media abounds with examples, ranging from politicians and business people to actors who are given to hype.

Believable

Skillful narcissists work hard at being believable about their myths of themselves. They arm themselves with information that enhances their position and even can change the numbers to suit their arguments. The end goal is to snag you into his/her lair. One trick they use is to play the game of appearing magnanimous. In other words, they appear to take the high road of being nobler than you by forgiving your mistakes. Many times this is a set up to later trash or destroy you. I remember one who came into my office with their former lover. The narcissist said something like, “God knows how dysfunctional I am… and of course, I have my own therapist that I speak to about this… but… Could you please help my former partner here who is so vindictive… and mean… as a matter of fact, I think this person should have an MRI because they have behavior that is similar to that of a person having a brain tumor.” I could not believe how creative this attack was. I had to read between the lines to see the fake tears of this narcissist trying to take the position of Mother Teresa.

Able to cover tracks

I am always amazed at how a skillful narcissist can cover their tracks. They will play two women at the same time and cover it up with some important business emergency out-of-town meeting. I’ve even seen them have false online identifications. Some may even exaggerate accomplishments, and though they work at a prestigious firm, they might be a junior member or a hated boss who steals credit from others. They can frame the theft as them first having the original ideas. One story sticks out in my mind with a skilled male narcissist who married a woman that he slowly destroyed over the years. It got so bad that one night he got right in her face and spit at her. She had to push him away from her and call the police. When they showed up, she was asked, “Did you touch him?” She said, “Yes, I pushed him.” They hauled her away for being the supposed perpetrator of domestic violence. On the way out and with a concerned face, the narcissist said to the police, “Please be careful. She needs her medication because she is a bipolar person!” Judge for yourself.

Among the greatest actors in the world

One of the main characteristics of narcissism is that there is a wounded and/or insecure child inside the adult. To survive and compensate, the child has to divert attention and give appearances that are not necessarily true. The skilled narcissist has had many years of theatric practice often changing roles to suit the situation. Because they perceive that their very life is at stake they are zealous to protect and perfect their disguises. These theatric roles cover a wide range. Some are comedic. Others are highly “respectable.” There are also those who use intimidation to create distance and admiration or respect. They might use leather, tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, cars, brash loudness, etc. They can also choose to be the lovable and huggable teddy bear persona. With the skillful narcissist, it is not so easy. The reason for this is that they actually believe they are the persona. I have had narcissists, in a moment of rare transparency and “weakness,” admit to me that they don’t even know who they are.

Be wise

As you can see, the skillful narcissist is a person with some pretty amazing traits. In my opinion, they can be formidable. They can be impressive in power, strength, intelligence, size, and difficulty. If you find one opposing you, they can be astounding enemies. They are not omnipotent, though they might think so. They do have limitations. Their ego is their own undoing. Many times, when they discover that you are on to them, they disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as a sham. For an extreme narcissist, being fully exposed to the world is the greatest pain in their lives. It is also the best medicine to their disease because it will force them to look inside and deal with their pain and wounds. If and when that happens, they will become like the rest of us, realizing that we do need others to help and love us. They will see how they need to love from a genuine heart that does not seek to use people. A former and healed narcissist can turn all his powerful assets, which he used to advance himself, to making a powerful contribution in the lives of others and being realistically liked. In the meantime, be careful and avoid being duped and drawn by the amazing magnetism of this kind of person.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to think that they are right and others wrong? If they encounter or engage with a person from the opposite side they tend to see them as “ignorant,” Neanderthal, antiquated, in the Dark Ages, stupid, not intellectual, backwards, a little slow, ill-informed, bull-headed, unenlightened, etc. The list could be infinite. Very frequently there is so much anger in the person condemning that it is almost embarrassing. You can see this happening with sports fans as they battle it out. We tend to be kind to such fanaticism so we chuckle and give the fans a pass. In other areas it is not so pretty.

In my former life as a graduate student, I had a very crude and somewhat shocking encounter with the world of opposites. At the time, a professor I knew gave me the name of the head of a psychology school that trained future clinicians. This person was known as a contributor to a field I was looking into. I made contact and shared my interests and angles of doctoral research. Hoping to receive a warm and mentor-like response, I was swiftly trashed, attacked, called names, and then challenged to have my views shown they were irrelevant.

To say the least, I was shocked to get such treatment from someone who claimed was training future “healers.” I thought a long time and responded with a kind word pointing out that we all need to seek truth and realize we know little. I often think about that person and hope they were able to move on into a kinder way of treating others.

Perhaps you are not an academic person but you see the same kind of attitude in other areas. It can come up in politics. The person from the Right is angry that “Socialists” are bankrupting our future. The Left accuses the Right of being “heartless “and “greedy.” You notice the same type of scenario in the Climate Change debate. One side accuses the other of falsifying data and using the issue as a ploy to enslave people economically through more taxation. The proponents exclaim that the doubters are “terrorists” and “Flat-earth people,” claiming we are accelerating the end of the earth as we know it if we don’t reduce greenhouse gases produced by humans. You move over to the debate about Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered issues versus heterosexuality. In this arena you get people irate that the traditional institution of marriage is threatened while Gays angrily label them homophobic and take on martyrdom. On the abortion side, depending on whether you believe the human fetus is a bona-fide life or not, you find the vitriol flying back and forth. The possibilities of positions are endless.

In my younger days working in an organization, I used to think I knew what was ultimately right. I learned a valuable lesson from a quiet guy on my team. We would have meetings where we would debate our positions on what should be done organizationally. I was strong in expressing my opinion to the point I could get excitable. My ideological opponents would do the same. This could go on for hours. All the while, the quiet guy was listening and listening, sometimes taking notes. As we would get to the end of our time and seem to still be nowhere, the quiet guy would make a gesture that he wanted to say something. The room became still. We attentively listened. He then proceeded to point out good points and bad ones we brought up. We would not get angry because he was sharing in a calm spirit and we could tell he just wanted the best for all regardless who got the credit. He would inevitably put together a third approach built on all of our good points. We all nodded in positive agreement as we realized that this better position was brought to maturation because of a wise person listening, considering, and then processing the good and the bad in a very respectful way. We all loved this guy!

I am not espousing sacrificing our beliefs or what we feel is truth. Not at all. What we need to do is to be humble seekers of truth and do whatever it takes to embrace that truth. Even if I have to do a 180 degree turn or take a position that is not even popular or similar, it does not matter. I need to embrace truth. How should I do it? I need to be very careful that I do not let my ego control me. You see, ego loves to be first and correct all the time. It loves power over others in any way. If my ego cannot be king and it is shown to be wrong then I must guard from it turning into a victim. Ego loves to say, “I’m better because I suffer more than you.” In taking a position on anything, it is easy to fall prey of thinking I am better than others because of I am better intellectually, suffer more, understand the most, etc. If I do, I just became literally “stupid” because I cannot learn anything anymore. I became arrogant and that will blind me and make me a little person.

If I start to get angry and think derogatory labels for the other side, maybe it is time I need to take personal inventory. It is time to evaluate whether I think I am better and more enlightened than the “darkened soul” on the opposite side. Why not say that the other side is sincere, trying to care, and that it is possible that they see something I don’t. Arrogance is the worst enemy of enlightenment, by the way.

I would like to add that there is a third position that some persons take. It is commonly referred to as the Moderate position. It is taking the middle position on anything. Sometimes these individuals take the Moderate position because they either don’t care, are tired of the debate, are lazy, or because they like to pride themselves in being more objective and balanced because they see ALL sides. Really? Maybe you see two sides but could there be many more sides than the ones you see? Even Moderates can be arrogant and close-minded in holding to their position and seeing their position as the only right perspective. Ever heard of an “extreme-Moderate?” You heard it here. Any position a person can take can be held vehemently with anger and great reaction. Moderates are not necessarily innocent and can be just as extreme in their position as those persons at both ends of a spectrum.

In conclusion, it is wiser to listen to all sides, be kind by being careful to avoid losing control through anger and name-calling, and then realize that by being humble before a whole unknown Universe there might be hope for you and me to obtain some greater truth.

Since I have seen many similar cases like this before, I told the caller, “I have a good hunch on what is going on. Come on over and lets see if I can help.” After briefly treating the person, the sadness was gone and it has stayed that way ever since. I have treated hundreds of these situations where individuals have been able to experience release of seemingly hopeless issues. What has made the difference?

There is a growing body of research showing that babies in the womb feel, taste, learn, and have some level of consciousness. One study had babies in the womb receiving “vibroacoustic stimulation” (Gonzalez-Gonzalez et al., 2006). That is a fancy way of saying sound waves were transmitted. For comparison purposes, there was also a control group that did not receive the treatment. After they were born, the babies who had received the stimulation were again given the same treatment. The result was that these babies recognized the signal and tended to calm down after receiving the signal. The researchers concluded that fetal life is able to learn and memorize with this capacity lasting into neonatal life (post-birth).

In other research, Anthony DeCasper and William Fifer created a nipple that was connected to an audio device (Kolata, 1984). This nipple test was given to 10 newborn babies. If a child sucked in one way they would hear their mother’s voice. Sucking in a different pattern would cause the child to hear another woman’s voice. The researchers found that the babies sucked in a way to hear their mothers. The same experiment was done using the sound of the mother’s heart beat and that of a male voice. The result was that the babies sucked in such a way as to hear the mother’s heart beat more often than the male voice.

DeCasper later did another test where he had sixteen pregnant women read a children’s book. They read the book out aloud twice a day for the last 6.5 weeks of their pregnancy. Once born, the babies were given the nipple test previously mentioned where they could listen either to their mother reading the original children’s book that was used or another book. The babies sucked to hear the original children’s book. What DeCasper concluded was that a prenatal auditory experience can influence auditory preferences after birth.

An author and well known obstetrician, Christiane Northrup (2005) shares that if a pregnant mother is going through high levels of fear or anxiety she creates a “metabolic cascade.” Hormones known as cytokines are produced and the mother’s immune system is affected, including her child’s. Chronic anxiety in the mother can set the stage for a whole array of trauma based results such as prematurity, complications of birth, death, and miscarriage. The opposite is also true. When the mother is feeling healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin. This is often called the molecule of belonging. The presence of this component creates feelings of bonding and strengthens immunity in the baby. Neurotransmitters moving inside the mother’s body creates a chemical and physical imprint on the baby’s brain and body. The message imprinted is that there is safety and peace. The baby feels secure and taken care of.

Can a baby learn while in the womb? The research seems to point in that direction. In terms of mental health, can this be a clue to psychological issues adults exhibit? In some cases, I think so. I feel this way, not because I have done peer-reviewed research on the matter, but because of the hundreds that I have treated for their fetal life traumas. They experienced significant or total reduction of their negative and dysfunctional issues. Many of these patients had previously exhibited spontaneous and abrupt feelings of anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, hyper-vigilance and even co-dependent enablement.

The next time you experience one of these emotions and you cannot figure out where it came from perhaps it came before your physical birth. You may have had a detached mother or a scared one. You could have had a mother that did not want to get pregnant and resented the father. Maybe your mother was depressed and lonely. Hopefully, you had a happy and content mother who nurtured you in her heart and enjoyed having you in her life.

References
Gonzalez-Gonzalez, N. L., Suarez, M. N., Perez-Pinero, B., Armas, H., Domenech, E., & Bartha, J. L. (2006). Persistence of fetal memory into neonatal life. Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica, 85, 1160-1164. doi:10.1080/00016340600855854

Kolata, Gina (1984). Studying learning in the womb. Science, 225, 302-303. doi:10.1126/science.6740312

Northrup, C. (2005). Mother-daughter wisdom. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Have you ever noticed that when you have gotten very sick or hospitalized, the person you thought was your friend never asked or called? When the same situation had previously happened to them, you were there for them.

Many of you have been in a relationship or been a friend with someone who was an extreme narcissist. These types of relationships are filled with drama unless you totally please the narcissist, which is impossible. The typical extreme narcissists are full of themselves and are overtly pompous. I would like to focus on a kind of extreme narcissist that most people fail to recognize. First, let me explain what extreme narcissism is all about.

Extreme narcissism is an egotistical preoccupation with self. It focuses on personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how one’s self is perceived by others. Some basic narcissism is healthy. This kind of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself, or what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.

The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways. One way is through excessive pampering on the part of the parents. Parents create an attitude in the child that he/she is better than others and entitled to special privileges. This creates an arrogant child who lacks a healthy dose of gratitude and humility. It describes the proverbial brat that no one likes.

Another way that extreme narcissists are created is when a child receives a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. This can happen when the parents, as narcissists themselves, are emotionally disconnected from their child. It creates a dysfunction in the ability for the narcissist to connect emotionally to others. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and wound. This wounded person constructs one or more false fronts in order to survive and insulate themselves from people because of distrust and fear (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).

A narcissist is a completely self-absorbed person. There can be no other gods in an extreme narcissist’s world, regardless if they say they believe in God or not. In practical terms, a narcissist is God in his/her own imagination. Ego rules supremely in the narcissist’s life. In light of this, what energizes a narcissist is whatever fuels the ego. Ego loves pleasure and gain. In most cases, these can come from one of two ways of feeding the ego. One way is through aggrandizement, which means “to make bigger.” Ultimately, the extreme narcissist feels he/she is most special and, therefore, entitled. To the extreme narcissist, people are actually things to use.

Another way that the narcissist’s ego gets special attention is through the role of being a victim. Welcome to the victimized extreme narcissist. Most persons recognize ego as arrogance. At the same time they fail to see the subtle deception of ego when it takes the role of a being a victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we easily are fooled by this form of extreme ego. We are constantly hearing the voices of the needy in the media through a variety of forms. The disenfranchised, the poor, the homeless, the hurting, the refugees, the abused, and the list goes on. What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by these voices for not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception of the ego is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. The ego wants attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning itself as a “poor and helpless” victim. It does this; all the while it soaks up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side and cause.

Extreme narcissists often shift gears from visible grandiosity to acting that they are better than others because they suffer more than others. You can see an extreme narcissist who hogs the limelight and credit from achievements and self-praise also getting similar recognition from milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to them. Victimized extreme narcissists are on the constant prowl looking for any gullible soul that will believe their version of calamity whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious. What they claim that makes their calamity different is that it is worse for them. Beware of this kind of extreme narcissism. It is just as selfish and manipulating as that of a pompous egotist. The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring. Imagine that! I have seen these types over and over again in work I have done in the field of pain medicine management. It is usually the individuals who are humble, full of gratitude, and joyful who are the ones most capable of coping with their injuries and pain. Those who are selfish, moaning, and full of self-pity take much longer to heal or sometimes never heal but go further downhill in their health. My recommendation is to avoid treating this person’s misfortune as the ultimate suffering of all humans. Be polite. Recognize their pain and no more. Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2008, August 4). How to Spot a Narcissist. Posted on Psych Central Web site.

Once upon a time there was a damsel in distress crying for help at the top of a tower. Down below was a fierce and fiery dragon. Away on a not-too-distant hill was a knight in shining armor on a white horse. As the damsel cried to the knight saying, “Please save me!” the knight looked at the dragon and then at the damsel. Then again he looked at the dragon and at the damsel. Abruptly the knight started to suck his thumb and cried out loud saying, “Mommy, Mommy, I’m scared!” The damsel could not believe her eyes. She quickly assessed her options and came to the conclusion that the knight was not going to save her. Immediately, like a bolt of lightning, she jumped out of the window dropping down below and almost breaking her legs. She then ran to the knight and pulled his sword out of its sheath. Filled with determination and fervor she drew near to the fierce dragon and whopped the head off. Quickly she made her way to the knight, jumped on his horse in front of him and galloped at fast speed into the sun to pursue her adventures.

I remember once sitting and drinking coffee at a fast food when suddenly several screaming children barged through the doors running towards the Kid’s meal toy display. Soon after that the dad walked in and quickly sat down. He appeared to not care about how his children were terrorizing the store clients. Lastly, an exhausted mother walked in. She started to take orders and delivering the food back and forth between the counter and the placid husband and energetic children.

What’s wrong with this picture?

If it weren’t for the fact that it is illegal, I was tempted to go to the husband and slap the man silly telling him to get off his duff, control the kids, and serve that tired woman. Instead he acts like one of the self-absorbed children.

How would you imagine this woman feels? My experience in counseling many couples with these characteristics in their relationship has taught me several important points.

Here are some clues on how you can know if you are in a relationship with a man stuck in his childhood.

1. Men who are boys create resentment in their partners.
Do you feel resentful toward your partner? You are realizing that you did not sign up to be his mother. Now you are sensing that you don’t respect him. Perhaps he made you think he was your knight. Now you notice that you are more mature than he is. He is selfish like a child. He probably put on an act to get you. You are seeing the real person now.

2. Men who are boys never learned how to be a grown-up.
These men have developmental deficits. Check to see whether your partner developed a sense of increasing responsibility and was accountable for his actions when growing up. Did he have free reign? Did he have healthy structure and accountability in his childhood? It is important for boys to learn progressively that they need to carry their own load and that there are other persons around them with legitimate needs. He is not the center of the Universe.

3. Men who are boys are forcing their woman to be masculine.
When a woman feels as if she has been emotionally abandoned by her man and has to take on his responsibilities she detaches from her “softness” and internal beauty to become a survivor. She has to turn into a man fighting beasts in her life to survive and to save her family. When a woman does this switch, she can often turn ugly, angry, and insensitive… something she hates to be…and something that she is not.

Many women have fallen in love with a man only to be disappointed that they are in a relationship with a boy.

Like in the original white knight story, women want to be swept off their feet in rapturous love. They dream of having that knight save her from her dragons and carry her off and away into some adventure. Some men are little boys right from the beginning while others regress once the relationship is advanced. Many women, desperate to be loved, will take a man and pamper him (like a mother) hoping that he will become that knight that will save her and love her.

Advice to Women

If you are in a relationship with man who is a boy it could be because you either want to be his mother or you are naïve. If you want to be his mother then knock yourself out and get ready for major disappointment and possible heartbreak. If you have been naïve, kindly say goodbye to the guy and RUN FOR THE HILLS! Make sure the next relationship is one with a man and not a boy!

Kiss the ring! Kiss the ring! Give allegiance to the power and position of its owner. The Godfather will treat you with respect and give you favors… but at a price… yet an offer you cannot refuse. Oh, but wait! Did you notice? This Godfather is wearing lipstick!

As a Hispanic person and a mental health professional, I have observed that just as there are dysfunctions with one person there can also be dysfunctions with a large grouping of those persons, call it a “culture,” a “people,” a “cohort,” or other. In diversity classes we are taught to respect other cultures and not “judge’ them, yet never mind if they eat their own progeny or have sex with young little girls. Implicit in this intellectual doctrine is the rule is that we are to look the other way and not judge their dysfunctions.

My doctoral work (Lopez De Victoria, 2006) has taken me into the realm of what some of my own kind consider “sacred” ground. I call it the dark side of Latino culture. It is found in the outworking of matriarchalism (a woman dominated society). Much is said today about the evils of patriarchies, that is, male dominant societies. Few dare to talk about “mother” and how awful she can be. Any good psychotherapist with plenty of family counseling experience will attest that mothers, indeed, can be greatly dysfunctional and even destructive… as much or even more as a father can be. I want you to know that I highly treasure and esteem motherhood. I owe much to mother. Realizing that I might ruffle a few feathers, let me say that there is little published in terms of the negative effects of a matriarchal society. Most of the literature promotes the idea that anything having to do with Womens’ Studies is Holy ground and cannot be questioned. No one is to challenge any obvious incongruities. To do so is to risk professional and political shaming. It stands to reason that if men can be abusive in their power, so can women. If a person considers himself/herself to be intellectually honest and balanced then it is logical that both men and women have potential for doing wrong.

In terms of historical and cultural forms of matriarchalism we can see that great value is put on Mother Spain (Madre España) in the Hispanic culture. Spain is seen as the great Matriarch of all Spanish speaking countries. Any one of these countries of origin is similarly seen as a mother… the motherland (Madre patria). Their religion also has a matriarch. She is Mother Mary. I mean no disrespect to the Virgin, yet at the same time it can be seen that Mother Mary is more important than her Son Jesus. To get to the Son you have to go through the Mother. She will make sure He listens to her. The masses view themselves as her children. She is extremely powerful.

The Hispanic family is fascinating. You have the mother possessing more power than the father. Even though the man is traditionally seen as Mr. Macho, it is only on the outside. The reality is that he is typically just a shadow in the background. He does the talk but not the walk. He is there to conquer the woman, but he is emotionally absent and does not know how to meet his wife’s emotional needs or those of her children. She loses respect for him and sees him as another child (see my dissertation). He almost does not matter at all. He is primarily a breadwinner and a sperm-donor. In many cases he is scared of his wife. All these factors force her to become like a man in order to “save” her family. In doing so she has to blunt her feminine side. She must wield great power with him and her children. One moment she can be safe like the Virgin Mary. The next moment you must protect yourself and run if she is angry with you. She is also full of gifts (many being expensive) and favors for all her children and their spouses. They all are to reciprocate and pay her homage by visiting her regularly and letting her in on every family secret. Nothing is to be withheld from her knowledge. Every daughter and son is to be loyal to her over their spouses. The husbands of her daughters are to take their place… in the shadows. They are to fall in line supporting the Godmother’s wishes. If any of her children should err from obeying her wishes and go their own way then her shaming anger will vindictively reach far. She will find that erring child. If that child does not repent then he/she will suffer extreme exile and shame for desecrating “Mother” and wounding her. That child becomes a “black sheep” for daring to dishonor “Mother.” All the remaining siblings shame that child as being unloving, disloyal, and selfish. Mother plays victim and recruits the sympathy of all her children to support that role. Her amazing power is in her blessing you with generous gifts and praise, yet through them she totally controls you. The Mother owns you. She has a right to every part of your soul and your family. Family therapists would call this action as being intrusive and enmeshed. It is not healthy and creates psychopathology.

The Godmother’s daughters are also being trained to become the matriarchs for the next generation. These daughters will attract men who are compliant and oftentimes emotionally emasculated/castrated. They are infantilized men. They often play right along. It is easier to do an incapacitating trance dance that is sweet and comfortable rather than to fight for one’s freedom of choice. It is better to comply than to resist her control. This process inhibits individualization of men since it forces them to be extensions of the will of the matriarch. Another benefit of being a compliant man is that by submitting to the Great Mother it will keep his wife from being at war with him.

Cooperating with the mother means that there will not be any lack or need. The Godmother will always be there to amply provide and take care. Little girls and boys watching will learn that a good family is one like theirs with grandmother as the Supreme One. They are taught that this is what normal looks like. Boys, when grown, will look for a mommy in wives. Their wives will resent them. The sons learned from their overprotective and controlling mothers to be reluctant and scared of taking risks. Mother was always there for them. They never needed to learn to survive on their own in the jungle of life, a task they should have learned from an emotionally mature father. Their wives will be angry with them for constantly acting like little boys. Eventually a resentful wife decides she must take charge because her child-husband will not. Here lies the birth of another Godmother.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2006). Infantilization among married Hispanic men: A pilot and phenomenological study. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Capella University.

Did you know that if you spend time at social network websites like Facebook you might be a narcissist?

Of course not everyone who uses Facebook is one. A recent study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Buffardi and Cambell, 2008) found how social networking web sites such as Facebook can attract narcissists. Here are some of the positive traits narcissists can exhibit:

1. Initially likable.
2. Perceived as leaders.
3. Perceived as exciting.
4. Perceived as entertaining.
5. The capability to obtain sexual partners.

Narcissists can give the illusion of closeness, having empathy, and warmth yet they also are relational opportunists. They use their relationships to enhance themselves. In other words, they can be “show-offs.”

Narcissists are also known to be controllers, manipulators, aggressive, unfaithful, and given to playing mind-games.

The study reveals that social network websites can serve as a place to be shallow and not committed. Friendships can be superficial. These types of websites provide a forum where the narcissist can exercise high control of how he/she is perceived giving an edited image. Narcissists love to look at themselves, talk about themselves… any way they can be the center of the universe. One observation was that narcissists tend to post many pictures of themselves with others and at parties. Other characteristics which raters evaluated were the amount of clothing worn versus modesty and physical presentation. They also considered if they were portrayed as fun, provocative, self-promoting, sexy, and self-centered. Narcissists tended to present themselves as important through the expression of their opinions. Their ability to persuade others enhanced their perceived image.

In the end, the study appears to show that narcissism is associated with such things as self-promotion, sexiness, attractiveness, and provocative pictures of themselves.

The study could imply that websites such as Facebook may contain high numbers of narcissists because of easy access to having a large social network. Social networking websites can provide narcissists with forums where they pursue their addiction to grandiosity while maintaining shallow relationships. These sites can be fertile grounds for the narcissist to work in. Those looking for love and romance on these social sites need to be aware of the scams of a narcissist in a relationship that could end up extremely painful over time.

How to Spot a Narcissist

Politicians are Their Own Worst Enemies

Also:
Facebook: Where Narcissists Connect

Politicians’ Biggest Battle: Themselves

A very subtle way to create damage in your child is to turn that child into your parent. This process is called parentification, not to be confused with parenting. Parentification can be defined as a role reversal between parent and child. A child’s personal needs are sacrificed in order to take care of the needs of the parent(s). A child will often give up his/her own need for comfort, attention, and guidance in order to accommodate to the needs and care of logistical and emotional needs of the parent(s) (Chase, 1999). In parentification the parent gives up what they are supposed to do as a parent and transfers that responsibility to one or more of their children. Hence the child becomes parentified. That child is the “parental child” (Minuchin, Montalvo, Guerney, Rosman, & Schumer, 1967).

Types of Parentification

Emotional Parentification: This type of parentification forces the child to meet the emotional needs of their parent and usually other siblings also. This kind of parentification is the most destructive. It robs the child of his/her childhood and sets him/her up to have a series of dysfunctions that will incapacitate him/her in life. In this role, the child is put into the practically impossible role of meeting the emotional and psychological needs of the parent. The child becomes the parent’s confidant. This can especially happen when a woman is not having her emotional needs met by her husband. She can gravitate towards trying to get these needs met from her son. It is as if the son becomes emotionally her surrogate husband. What child does not want to please their parent? An innocent child, is exploited by the parent and it creates a form of emotional and psychological abuse. This type of relationship can be the equivalent of emotional incest. Parentified children have to suppress their own needs. This comes at the expense of having normal development and causing a lack of a healthy emotional bond. These children will have difficulties having normal adult relationships in their future.

Instrumental Parentification: When a child takes up this role he/she meets physical or instrumental needs of the family. The child relieves the anxiety experienced normally by a parent that is not functioning correctly. The child may take care of the children, cook, etc. and by this essentially taking over many or all the physical responsibilities of the parent. This is not the same as a child learning responsibility through assigned chores and tasks. The difference is that the parent robs the child of his childhood by forcing him/her to be an adult caregiver with little or no opportunity to just be a kid. The child is made to feel as a surrogate parent over the siblings and parent.

Future Problems as Adults

Intense Anger: Parentified children can become very angry persons. They will tend to have a love-hate relationship with their parent. Sometimes this adult child may not know why they are angry but will be angry at others, especially their friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, and children. They can have explosive anger or passive anger, especially when another adult happens to put expectations that might trigger their parental wounds of emotional exploitation.

Difficulty with Adult Attachments: The parentified adult child can experience hardship in connecting with friends, spouse, and his/her children. This person could be operating out of deficits in knowing how to attach. Hence he/she could find it difficult to experience healthy intimacy in relationships. Relationships will tend to be distorted on some level.

References:

Chase, N. (1999). An overview of theory, research, and societal issues. In N. Chase (Ed.), Burdened children (pp. 3-33). New York, NY: Guilford.

Minuchin, S., Montalvo, B., Guerney, B., Rosman, B., & Schumer, F. (1967). Families of the slums. New York, NY: Basic Books.

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Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist in private practice. He is also an adjunct psychology professor at the Miami Dade College in Miami, FL. He can be contacted through his web site at DrSam.tv

At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but this type of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself. It is what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.

Extreme narcissists tend to be persons who move towards eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. There are all types of levels on that road to isolation. Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. I would like to address how a person becomes an extreme narcissist.

Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He became emotionally stuck at the time of his major trauma of separation/attachment.

In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted.

The protective insulation barrier he constructed is called a false persona. He created a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.

Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a variety of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a “bad ass” and tough individual. He may look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. He could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper, and appearing to care but in reality does not. Another very likeable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. He is the life of the party and has everyone in stitches, making them laugh constantly. Everyone wants to include this person because they are a lot of fun.

Try to get close or ask personal questions as to how he is internally doing and feeling and you will find is that he will quickly distract you. They will sidestep the question with another joke, making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking personal questions. If you press them, they will then slot you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you and exclude you from their life.

There is also the success oriented narcissist. She will be your friend and keep you close to her as long as you are useful. Once you do not have anything more to offer and she has taken all they wanted from you, you are history. You are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.

I remember a significant half dozen of these in my life. One narcissist in particular avoids me like the plague because he knows that I do not ultimately plan my life around whether people like me or not. Hence my behavior cannot be controlled by him. He is threatened by my self-assuredness. I’m not safe to him. It does not matter that I have helped him in critical moments of his life. When he realized that he could not control me to make him look good when I was with him, he dropped me like a heavy weight. I received no more phone calls and was taken off his radar screen.

Another extreme narcissist stopped calling me when I got my Ph.D. I believe that, in his insecurity, he could no longer look “better” than me and be the focal person. As a result, he felt threatened that I had a more powerful image than he did. I think it is silly because I do not care about whether people have degrees to validate their intrinsic value as a human being.

In my ministerial past, I have had several colleagues that I considered to be like blood brothers. We had sworn honesty and loyalty to each other. Once I opened up my weaknesses to them and then asked them to reciprocate, they looked for excuses to label me and reject me. The more I pressed them about their lack of being forthcoming and failing at their own promise of commitment to the friendship, the more vehement they became at avoiding disclosure of their warts to me. Of course, I already knew many of their flaws and already had no problem accepting them. Now it was their turn and they shut down and put up the thick wall.

This is what genuine narcissists do. This is sad but it happens all the time with individuals that are scared to go down the road to becoming whole and healthy. It is like going under the knife of a surgeon. When there is a legitimate organic threat as with a malignant tumor, it can be hard to submit to the truth and then the treatment. This, however, is a door to a better life.

Is there hope for an extreme narcissist living in an emotional and relational fort of isolation. Is a narcissist able to have a healthy life? Definitely! I’ve seen many extreme narcissists become extremely healthy in their emotional and relational life. The first step is to find competent and safe help that knows how to heal emotional traumas. Just because a counselor may have all kinds of credentials it does not mean they are competent in dealing effectively with trauma issues. Because extreme narcissists tend to have an early history of emotional wounds they are full of distrust. If they can get past this hurdle then they can begin to find help to heal.

Second, extreme narcissists have to be willing to enter the realm of their feelings again. They have been the masters of covering and hiding, even to themselves. They now have to start uncovering painful wounds. They have taught themselves to stuff and disconnect their own feelings for years. Because of this, they tend to live inside their heads, in the realm of so called reason. They are likely to live in the world of rational principles, laws, rules, which are all linear. This domain is a realm they feel they can control. It is devoid of feelings. The realm of the heart or feelings is very intimidating and unsafe to them because it is non-linear and there is very little control of the outcomes. If extreme narcissists can overcome these two hurdles then there is much hope for them. They are on their road to healing.

• Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• Take the Narcissistic Personality Quiz

Burnout is subtle. It creeps up on you slowly. How do you know if you are burning out?

I know well the face of burnout. I found myself questioning my motives, feeling guilty, and being greatly misunderstood. Sometimes I was shamed for not “working enough!” I found very few helpful resources. I discovered that most people did not understand the causes and signs of burnout.

What are the signs of burnout?

As a professional counselor I have researched burnout. According to the best research available on the subject there are three aspects of burnout:

1. Perception of Inequity/Unfairness/Injustice

When you start to feel like you are getting the short end of the deal, being mistreated, under-appreciated… You may be burning out. Equity means that you get at least enough “payment” that compensates for the effort, work, and pain you put into a relationship or project. When a person is burning out they experience feeling cheated, under-paid, not appreciated enough, trashed, abused, taken for granted, etc.

2. Emotional Exhaustion

When you start to run out of emotional gas you know something is wrong! Some signs might be that you cry for no apparent reason. Your energy and motivation is low. You feel wasted. It may be hard to get out of bed. This may be a depression coming over you. In many cases a depression is a form of passive anger. This kind of anger is related to abuse and/or violations of personal boundaries.

3. Cynicism

When you start to resent or feel bitter towards those you serve and/or love relationally or professionally, then something is wrong. When you see them with fangs like vampires ready to suck your blood instead of individuals that you care for, then you are burning out. This may be a sign of being a co-dependent person who needs to be needed. Persons with poor personal boundaries are susceptible to being taken advantage of by needy opportunists. Like a vacuum cleaner, they suck the life out of you and then leave an empty shell behind as they look for another host to attach themselves to.

These are the three basic signs of burnout. Don’t wait to get help. Don’t wait until your work becomes a “scorched earth” where you cannot return ever again. Get help from those who understand burnout and it causes.

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Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist in private practice and teaches at the Miami Dade College. He can be contacted via his web site at http://www.DrSam.tv

The Johari Window can be looked at from many angles and provides four basic forms of the Self (the Public, Private, Blind, and Undiscovered Self).

The Public Self is what you and others see in you. You typically do not mind discussing with others this part of you. Most of the time you agree with this view you have and others have of you.

The Private or Hidden Self is what you see in yourself but others don’t. In this part you hide things that are very private about yourself. You do not want this information to be disclosed for the reason of protection. It could also be that you may be ashamed of these areas due to vulnerability to having your faults, weaknesses, and dysfunctions exposed. This area equally applies to your good qualities that you don’t want to advertise to the world due to modesty.

The Blind Self is what you do not see in yourself but others see in you. You might see yourself as an open-minded person when, in reality, people around you consider you an anatomical posterior (wink). This area also works the other way. You might see yourself as a “dumb” person while others might consider you incredibly bright. Sometimes those around you might not tell you what they see because they are scared of you, fear offending you, or might consider it a waste of time. It is in this arena that people sometimes detect that your talk and your walk don’t match. Sometimes body-language shows this mismatch.

The Undiscovered or Unknown Self is the self that you cannot see nor others around you. In this category there might be good and bad things that are out of the awareness of others and yours.

The Johari Window is a very helpful internal and external communication grid (intra-psychic and interpersonal). You may find it quite useful as you journey forward into the discovery of who you are.

Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D. is an adjunct professor at Miami Dade College, and a psychotherapist in private practice. He can be contacted at http://www.DrSam.tv.