“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

Tomorrow, April 25th, is the 20th anniversary of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day that encourages parents to do exactly that. Started in 1993 as a “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” it was originally intended to show girls opportunities that had been closed off to women and to inspire young girls to see themselves as having the potential to reach whatever professional dreams they had. By 2003, it was expanded to include our sons as it was understood that the boys, too, needed to have the experience of seeing what their parents did for work.

Many companies now have incorporated this annual event into the company culture. Employers see involvement in the day as a way to support their workers in balancing work with family life and to invest in the workforce of the future.

One special day a year, parents are invited to bring their children to work to sit at desks, follow their parents around the office or plant or store, and maybe have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria. The kids get to see where their parents spend their day and to meet some of their colleagues. Most important, they get to see up close what their parents’ work involves.

It’s an opportunity for parents and others in the workplace to show kids that education pays off and to talk to them about what it takes for someone to reach their potential and to be successful. Further, it provides a way for parents and adult mentors to talk to children about how work supports the family and how it is an integral part of adult life.

Those of us who work in human services can’t let our kids shadow our day due to very real concerns about confidentiality and privacy for our clients. But we can still celebrate the day by engaging our children in conversation about our work and perhaps by describing in general terms what a typical day looks like. When clients aren’t scheduled, we can still bring our children to the office to see what it looks like, let them sit in our chairs and perhaps meet our support staff. My younger daughter told me recently that it made her feel very grown up the day she came to my office when she was 10 and talked to me seriously about my journey to become a therapist.

Whatever we do for a living, Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day provides a reason to sit down with our kids and demystify our work life.

My children are grown now. They too now go off to work, talk to people and do stuff and get tired. Like their dad and me, they also know the rewards of doing something they are passionate about that supports themselves and their families. I hope when their children are old enough to participate,Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day will continue to be celebrated to help them empower their children also to reach for their professional dreams.

You can send your kids off to the movies — and they may get shot. Or they might go to hang out at the mall — and risk getting shot. Or to high school or college — where they might get shot. Kids get kidnapped on their way home from school and abducted out of their beds.

Now 20 first graders have been gunned down in their first grade classrooms.

In the last few years, our national sense of safety has been repeatedly shaken. We can’t take it for granted that when innocent kids do innocent, everyday things, they will risk nothing more than a belly ache from eating too much popcorn or an argument with a friend.

What do we tell ourselves? What do we tell the kids? For the last few days the networks have been turning to psychiatrists and psychologists for advice. They emphasize that we need to remember that such events as the shooting in Newtown, Conn. are rare. They tell us to put aside our own fear and be there for our kids. It’s wise advice but it is easier said than done.

These tragedies no longer seem so “rare.” Statistical probability is cold comfort when watching yet another clip of anxious and grieving parents on TV. We may do our best to hide our horror and grief but kids are sensitive little creatures who get even more anxious when they think we’re hiding something. Navigating ourselves and our children through such senseless and horrible news isn’t easy.

To the words of advice coming over the airwaves, I can only add these reminders:

Turn off the TV. Little kids don’t understand that they are seeing the same event over and over and over. Three news stories of those kids running from their school may seem to them like three different groups of kids under attack, which makes the world seem even more unsafe. Repeatedly watching the news may not be so good for the adults either. Another viewing probably won’t help you make any more sense of a senseless event. It may even trigger more grief and anger and pain.

Think carefully about what you are going to tell your kids. An explanation this important deserves some preparation. Tell kids only what they are ready to hear and what you know they can manage. Most teens can certainly handle the whole truth. They’re going to be reading about it and may need your help to sort through their feelings. But little kids under age 10 need us to be sensitive to what they can and can’t process. It’s enough for most to say that a very bad man killed some kids and everyone is very, very sad and mad. You don’t need to tell them the specifics of how the children were killed and how many were lost. You don’t need to go into details as they come through the news. When in doubt, take your cues from what the kids want to know. Give them only the information they ask for.

Emphasize stories of survival. One teacher hid her kids in closets and the kids stayed very quiet. Other kids ran away. Still others held each other’s hands to help themselves stay calm. Let your children know that even little kids can be brave and helpful.

Share your feelings. It’s okay to let kids see some of our tears and our anger. It’s important that they understand that crying about sad things and being mad about bad things is both appropriate and a way to get through. Children need help in naming their feelings and managing them. You are an important role model for doing so.

But stay in control of your feelings. Our kids need the grownups to be their most grown up at times like these. They need us to show them that even when we are sad, we are there for them first. When adults acknowledge what is happening but manage to stay calm and in control, the kids can relax.

Compartmentalize. Neither you nor your children can sit with those feelings all the time. After talking about what happened, suggest that enough has been shared for now and that it is time to do something to get everyone’s mind off it for awhile. Let the kids know you are willing to talk about it again later if they want to but it’s important to take a break. (Do keep that promise.) Then suggest something you can all do together that reaffirms normal life. Make cookies. Go for a walk. Read some stories.

Reassure. Help the children understand that when tragedies do happen, the story is very big because it is very bad. If you live in a community where such things are in fact rare, remind the kids that they are lucky to live in a place where people are usually safe. If, however, you live in a community where children have been abducted or harmed, do let them know all the ways you and the people around them are working to protect them.

Go over safety rules. Finally, this is a good time calmly to review the rules of safety. Brainstorm with the kids all the things you do with them to keep them from harm. Doors get locked at night. Children who are home alone shouldn’t answer the door. Wearing a seatbelt in the car and a helmet when riding a bike isn’t optional. There are rules about where they can go by themselves. There are rules about how often to check in with you when they are out or they have been left home alone. Tone is important. This isn’t a time for lecturing or scolding about rules. It’s a time for helping our children feel secure in a world that isn’t always predictable or safe.

“You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.”
~ Erma Bombeck

They are called stepfamilies, blended families, reconstituted or reconfigured. The modern family often includes multiple people from multiple relationships. More than any other time of year, holidays highlight the departure from what has been seen as the “traditional” family.

As with most things, this can be an affirmation of successful reconfiguration of one’s family or a reminder of all the things that were, and perhaps still are, wrong. For most, it’s a complicated mix of regrets, relief, anger, sorrow and joy.

For most, it’s how the adults manage the situation that determines the health and safety of the heart part of the new configuration of the family.

However committed, enthusiastic, and in love new partners may be, the children who share heredity with only one member of the couple have a different experience and therefore different feelings about the season than the adults. It’s important to remember that in the vast majority of cases, the children of divorce didn’t want it. They often worry that they’re at fault. They have competing loyalties to both parents. They often wish there were a way to get their original family back to whatever they experienced as “normal.”

However wonderful mom’s or dad’s new partner may be, they are prepared not to like him or her. They often grieve their former family quietly — or not so quietly — for years. As a result, they are often even more ambivalent and conflicted about holiday traditions than the adults. While the adults are enthusiastically trying to make the holidays bright and joyful, the children may find it a painful time of revisited loss of the actual family that was or the myth of how the family might have been if only…

The key to transitioning to a different sense of “family-ness” is flexibility on the part of adults. Adults, being the adults, need to respect their children’s reluctance and understand where it’s coming from. By tuning in and being flexible about how holidays are celebrated, the adults can help create new traditions that nurture the heart of the new “conglomerate” called their family in all its complexity.

Be Flexible about Dates

For some, it’s a radical idea: Dates aren’t important. Feelings are. When children are caught in the debate of who “gets” Christmas morning or Hanukkah first night, the time with whoever “wins” is shadowed by the knowledge that they have left the “loser” alone. When both parents insist on having the kids be part of Christmas Day or when kids are expected to eat a huge meal at two Thanksgiving dinners, the kids often end up overwhelmed and emotionally and physically exhausted.

Lighten up. Holidays are only 24 hours long. But the season lasts a couple of months. Everyone can have a holi-DAY. Alternate years for the actual holiday if you must, but don’t make the day with the other parent seem like a second-rate event. It’s not. It’s that parent’s special day with the children.

Be Flexible about Traditions

The adults may want to start new traditions for the new family. But kids are stubborn little creatures who thrive on predictability and sameness. Consider which traditions can be transferred to the stepfamily scene. If there are kids from both former marriages, help the children from each side introduce one or two special traditions to the mix. Then add a new tradition or two that isn’t tied to a particular family or a particular day.

A visit to Santa or a ride to view neighborhood lights can happen any time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Making candles for the menorah can happen any time before Hanukkah. Making and sending greeting cards can be a family event that happens well before the holiday week. Creating new traditions like these doesn’t compete with the children’s enjoyment of their other parent’s celebration and are part of defining the new family’s sense of “us.”

Be Flexible about Who is Defined as Family

Those who divorce well separate without hatred or rancor. They agree that they couldn’t keep the marriage going but feel no need to revisit the conflicts and pain that caused them to part. They keep their children out of the middle and appreciate what the other parent has to offer. Yes, it does happen.

For such families, it’s not a stretch to create some moments in the holiday season where everyone can be in the same place at the same time. Mom, her new partner, his kids, her kids, her kids’ father and new partner and her kids, can get together to do something low-stress like attending an event together or volunteering to help at a charity. Such activities bring the people together but don’t require one group to host the other.

When the adults can manage this, the children are reassured that they won’t lose anyone from their sense of family. They are given “permission” to add people to their list of people who love them. They can love and be loyal to each parent without fearing the loss of the other.

Be Flexible – Even if You Don’t Want to Be

Unless your former partner has abused the children, they can and should have a healthy, loving relationship with each other. No matter how hurt and angry you may be with your former spouse, no matter how much you hate him or her for what was done that made staying married impossible, no matter if child support isn’t coming as regularly as it should or if your former partner is irresponsible about finances, no matter how threatened your current partner is by the kids’ relationship to their other parent — those are the adults’ problems, not your children’s.

Separate flexibility around honoring the holidays from unfinished emotional, psychological, or financial matters that were part of your divorce. If you refrain from making negative comments about their other parent and support the children in having a positive relationship with him or her, they will eventually figure out on their own just why the divorce was necessary. They will love you for not making them into unwilling allies in your fight and for giving them support in staying solidly connected to their other parent too.

The holidays only underline the issues that go on all year. Children of their parents’ divorce, separations, and re-partnering are going along for a ride that most would not choose. It’s up to the grownups to be grown up. Making the holidays bright for children means doing whatever it takes to keep the focus on their needs. Not surprisingly, doing that also warms the family heart.

Did you like this article?
There’s many more like it in
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker’s amazing holiday coping e-book
from Psych Central Press:

Tending the Family Heart
Through the Holidays
Here come the holidays again!
Be prepared: learn how to better cope
with the stress of the holidays.
Just 99 cents.

“I don’t know why but I always feel terrible. I can’t sleep. I’m not interested in eating. Nothing about life looks interesting. I can’t relate to other people. I think what most people talk about is stupid. What’s the point of living anyway if it’s always going to be like this?”

Sound familiar? If you are a teen who feels this way, you are not alone. Although every story is unique to the person telling it, the themes are the same — feeling friendless, unloved, abandoned or unappreciated.

Maybe you feel as desolate as they do.

Despair is a powerful emotion. When people feel hopeless and helpless to change it, suicide starts to seem like a reasonable option. But most people who attempt suicide don’t really want to die. They want the emotional pain, the loneliness, and the feelings of worthlessness to end.

People can and do pull out of it. If you are a teen who has ever felt that the only way out is to hurt yourself or to end it all, it’s long past time to get the help you deserve. The fact that you are even reading this says that you have some little glimmer of hope somewhere. Now, please read and heed the following list. There are other things to resort to so you never have to reach that last resort. Please give these an honest try.

• Reach out for help.If you have the kind of folks who are reasonable and who really are doing the best they can to be decent parents, do talk to them. Believe me: They would rather hear about your pain than deal with your death. Once they get over the shock, many parents swing into action to get their kids the help they need.If your parents are part of the problem or if you think they won’t take you seriously, find an adult who will respond to you. Consider your school guidance counselor, your doctor, your faith leader, a coach or the parent of a good friend who is sympathetic. Adults tend to listen to other adults. If they won’t listen to you, your parents may listen to another adult who they see as a serious person or as someone in authority. Even if they don’t listen, you will have developed an adult ally who can connect you with people and places that can be helpful.
• Stay away from other kids who feel equally hopeless.That includes young people online who feel as bad as you do. Constantly talking about how awful life is may feel good in the moment, but in the end it will only make you all feel worse. People who don’t know how to help themselves won’t know how to help you. If you want to help them, by all means tell them you care and then give them the link to this article.
• Resist the temptations of self-destructive behaviors.Drinking, drugging, sleeping around with people who don’t love you, cutting and other forms of self-harm may provide a distraction and even some momentary relief, but really, they only add another problem to the one you already have. It’s hard enough to deal with a depressive episode without also having to deal with what has become addictive behavior. If you’ve already fallen into this trap, it’s all the more urgent that you get yourself into treatment.
• Make sure the problem isn’t medical.Make an appointment with your medical doctor for a complete medical workup. Adolescence is a time of enormous physical change. There are a number of medical conditions that look and feel like a major depression. Hormonal imbalances, particularly in the thyroid, can make people feel tired and all-around terrible. There are other medical problems that can cause anxiety, depression, and even psychosis.
• Get into therapy.A therapist who has experience in working with young people is more than just someone to talk to. Therapists can help you sort out whether the problem is a diagnosable mental illness or a problem that you can solve with some support and advice. Therapists can also refer you to services that are available in your community.Truly desperate? Don’t wait for an appointment with a therapist or doctor. Go immediately to the local hospital for an evaluation by the emergency services or crisis team. They will help you decide if you need a hospitalization to stabilize. Don’t believe the negative portrayals of hospitals that are in the movies. A few days in a psychiatric unit can be just what you need to begin to turn things around. Most hospitals provide intensive individual and group therapy and can get you started on medication if you need it.
• Use the hotlines. If you need someone to talk to immediately, there are counselors available by phone and online at the following hotlines. Call. They can provide a lifeline while you put local supports in place. Keep the phone numbers in your wallet in case you need to make a crisis call. Most are available 24/7.
  • In the U.S.A.:
    • Boys Town Hotline: 800-448-3000
      Counselors are there 24/7 to talk to teens and children. Although started for boys, they now welcome calls from girls as well.
    • SuicideHotlines.com:Includes national 800 numbers as well as state by state listings.
    • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255. Counselors are available 24/7.
    • Covenant House Nineline: 1-800-999-9999. Available from 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Time, seven days a week. Covenant House provides food, shelter and care to homeless kids in many major cities in the U.S. and Canada. There are also locations in Mexico, Nicaragua, Honduras, and Guatemala.
  • Worldwide:
    • Befrienders Worldwide– Hotlines for teens who live outside the U.S. There are over 400 volunteer centers in 39 countries across 6 continents.
    • United Kingdom and Republic of Ireland: Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 (UK); 1850 60 90 90 (ROI) — This is a charity which provides 24/7 confidential emotional support to any person, irrespective of race, creed, age or status, who is suicidal or despairing.

Suicidehotlines.com has it right:

“Please Remember!
You can always kill yourself – L a t e r !!
JUST DON’T DO IT now.
Put it off – for another hour, another day.”

Give help and hope a chance.

Suicidal?

• Read this first…
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.
• Elsewhere in the world, consult this directory

Either way, it may be time to rethink the way you are doing college. It doesn’t have to be so high stress. If you were bright enough to be admitted, you’re bright enough to earn decent grades. But it may require a major shift in your schedule, your attitude, and your work ethic to get there.

Here are some tips to make the second half of the semester go smoothly for you…

1. Recommit.

If you got a string of C-minuses or lower, resist the tendency to give up. However discouraged you may be, letting yourself get overwhelmed will ensure a GPA-busting semester. A new commitment to your studies could bail you out, or at least bail you out enough so that you have something to build on next semester.

If, on the other hand, you did fine but were so stressed you’re still recovering, you have a different challenge: Resist the tendency to collapse in a grateful heap and coast for a few weeks. You’ll be setting yourself up for another anxiety attack when finals roll around.

2. Understand that school is your job right now.

If you aren’t putting in a solid eight hours a day Monday through Friday for classes and study, you simply aren’t doing it. That eight hours does not include meals, hanging out with friends, cruising Facebook, or watching Grey’s Anatomy. A workday is just that – a day of working. The upside is that if you really do schedule a respectable eight hours a day, you’ll probably have most of your evenings and your weekends free to do what you want without feeling guilty.

3. Schedule your time well.

Plan out each of your weekdays as seriously as you would an assignment for the most important job of your life. Get out a calendar or planner. Write in blocks of time each week for study for each course. Make sure you schedule time for your toughest class and most demanding papers when you are the freshest.

4. Meet with professors.

The time to get clarification for things you don’t understand is now, not in the last week before finals when you (and all the other procrastinators) are in a panic. You will get more attention and respect if you’ve done required reading and formulated your questions before you meet. Most professors really do want to help students who are serious.

Want 6 More Tips?
Please continue reading the 10 Tips to Make The Rest of the Semester Work in our library.

Most people know that one of the keys to success in relationships is good listening.

Experts tell us to use “active” listening, “I messages,” and open-ended questions. Articles urge us to stop talking when someone speaks, to use our body language effectively to encourage the other guy, and to work to understand what is meant as well as what is said. We’ve been told that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and we’ve been taught how to translate the gender languages. Yet despite all that, developing good listening skills continues to be a challenge for some people.

Generally, it’s better to emphasize the positive and teach folks useful skills. But at least some people some of the time find it equally useful to have the negative pointed out and explained. They want guidelines for what not to do. So here are eight ways that lousy listeners louse up communication and probably louse up their relationships.

1. Lousy listeners are attending to other things when you are speaking.

Proud of their ability to multitask, they continue to scan the newspaper, pick up the living room, text, or clean their desk while being addressed. An occasional ‘uh-huh’ is supposed to cue you that, really, they are with you. They’re not — or at least not totally. Their mind is distracted. Chances are they miss important pieces of your message — even if they protest that they don’t.

2. Lousy listeners are planning how they will respond even while you are speaking.

They are so busy rehearsing their reply that they miss part of your message and don’t catch the nuances of your communication. They’re ready with a paragraph before you’ve even completed a sentence.

3. Lousy listeners steal the ball.

You say something like, “I can hardly wait to tell you about my trip to the Grand Canyon.” Before you get the last word out, they start: “The Grand Canyon? I was there once. Let me tell you. It was so interesting. We went on this and did that and this and that happened. And we met these wonderful people at the dude ranch we stayed at.” They are off and running with their description of their own experience. You are left to hold your story for another day – if you get the chance then either.

Continue reading the remaining 5 habits of lousy listeners…

What bad listening habits have you seen?
Share some of the bad listening habits you’ve encountered below!

Our resultant parenting style emphasized that trying hard was as good as achieving, that potential was worthy of praise, that stress was a bad thing, and that experiencing failure would damage self-esteem. I’m not blaming anyone here. I was party to all this too. Those of us who came of age in the 1970s and ’80s breathed the air of the human potential movement whether we were conscious of it or not. Self-esteem became a goal, rather than an outcome of living well. Self-actualization became more valued than self-sacrifice. Self-gratification sometimes became the measure of what one did instead of benefit for the whole.

The result of this thinking for at least some of the kids some of the time is that they either set happiness as a goal or are waiting for happiness to magically happen. Either stance is a setup for disappointment. As the athletes at the 2010 Winter Olympics showed us again and again, happiness is an outcome of hard work and discipline. It is the result of having met a set goal. It is not the goal in and of itself.

Consider Evan Lysachek, the American figure skater. His backstory is one of daily grunt work in a gym. At times, he didn’t want to do it. At times, he asked himself and probably his coach why he should yet again practice a move that he knew he had mastered years ago. At times, I’m sure he would rather have rolled over for some extra sleep instead of facing yet more hours in the gym or on practice ice. But he didn’t give in to those thoughts. Instead, he kept at it; day after day, year after year. His eyes were on the goal of performing with excellence; of showing himself and the world what he could do. And he did. He skated the skate of his life and won the gold.

Or how about Lindsey Vonn, who went into the Games with high hopes and an injured shin. I’m sure she wasn’t happy to be skiing on a painful leg. I’m certain there were days she wondered if it was worth it. I’m reasonably positive that there were times she asked herself “why me” and wanted to throw in the towel. But she had been injured before. She knew how to gauge the seriousness of her injury and the wisdom of continuing on. Having decided she could do it, sheer determination and grit helped her ski in spite of her physical pain and in spite of whatever doubts she let herself think about. The result: A gold medal run that ended with a triumphant scream of joy.

Discipline isn’t always merely physical. Speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno went through the same rebellious and undisciplined stage that most adolescents do. His father recognized the talent and potential — but not the attitude — of a winner. He put his son in a big time “time out,” setting him out in a cabin in the woods for a couple of weeks to think it all over. Ohno did. He came away from the experience with a newfound focus and a renewal of his personal passion for his sport. Now he is America’s most decorated winter Olympian.

And consider Joannie Rochette, the Canadian figure skater who lost her mother and best friend only days before her Olympic performance. No one would have blamed her if she had withdrawn or skated badly – except her. She drew on the love for her mother and her love for her sport and made her performance a tribute to both, winning bronze and the enormous respect of everyone watching.

I’m told by a coach friend of mine that every athlete knows the pain of regret is far more sharp and long-lasting than the pain of discipline. It would be terrible to miss a spot on the podium thinking “if only I hadn’t skipped that practice or avoided that exercise.” It would be hard to live down the thought “I could have done better if only . . .” It would be impossible to excuse a bad performance due to a bad attitude. Successful athletes set reasonable goals and train, and train, and train some more. They know they won’t like it every minute. They understand that it is sometimes grueling. They don’t expect to be ecstatic during every push for more. They know that attitude counts as much as potential, that their outlook can decide the outcome. Their passion for their sport and for excellence drives them to work hard. If they win, they shout for joy. If they lose, they have the self-satisfaction of knowing they did their best.

Not everyone can be an Olympic star. But every kid has the potential to be an Olympian in how they approach their chosen path. When passion, attitude and hard, hard work are brought to bear on a goal, there is no such thing as failure, even when the outcome is less than gold. As parents we need to help our kids understand that happiness isn’t a goal. It’s the natural result of truly, steadily giving our best in whatever we set out to do.

There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better, in spite of protestations that he loves you, in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going, see if you recognize yourself in any of these common reasons.

1. Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff — at least at first.

When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?

If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.

2. Because these guys can be absolutely charming.

You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance. Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…

3. Because you don’t feel you deserve any better.

Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.

Continue reading more reasons why women stay in painful relationships…