Co-dependence is one of those psychological terms that describes a dysfunctional way of behaving in important relationships in one’s life. It is primarily a learned behavior from our family of origin. Some cultures have it to a greater degree than others — some still see it as a normal way of being.

Yet the costs of co-dependence can include distrust, faulty expectations, passive-aggressiveness, control, self-neglect, over-focus on others, manipulation, and a slew of other unattractive traits.

Wondering if you might be involved in a co-dependent relationship? Read on…

These are some signs of codependent behavior:

• taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
• worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
• covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
• doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
• feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
• manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
• being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
• in a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
• trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
• life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)
• enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
• neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves

Many feel that they will lose who they are if they are not codependent. In reality, we become more ourselves when we are less of what others expect from us. To come out of codependence is a huge gift we give to ourselves — the victory of growing away from it will balance out our responsibility to ourselves and to others.

The key to repairing and ending codependency is to start protecting and nurturing ourselves. That might sound like a selfish act, but it will return us to a place of balance. Others will understand that we now respect and are protecting ourselves from overcommitment or abuse.

Emotional freedom involves understanding the difference between “healthy” and “unhealthy” shame.

If we are feeling guilt over an act that hurt someone, that is the healthy version of shame. That feeling is telling us that something went against our value system. It’s a signal to make amends and rectify the situation so that we can renew our state of well-being. Once we’ve forgiven (if we were wronged) or asked for forgiveness (if we were the hurtful one), then let it go.

Unhealthy shame, on the other hand, is when we allow ourselves to be defined by a weakness or something we have no control over.

We are either playing a broken record of victimhood or failure in our own mind or allowing someone else to play it in our presence. We need to remember in this case that we are nothing short of whole and complete, and not to see ourselves as anything less than victorious.

It’s been understood for years by childhood development experts that a person’s core personality is mostly affected and formed by the age of 10. As early as birth, a person’s character and self-image is shaped by his or her caretakers and stays primarily stable throughout their lives. So how a caretaker processes life with a child plays the most significant role in how a person sees themselves into adulthood.

In the area of shame, something as simple as how to acknowledge a feeling can be mishandled without being aware of the words that are being used.

It’s fairly common, for instance, for parents to quickly assess that a child “is shy” or “is stubborn” or “is always whiny.” Usually this is done in earshot of the child, who quickly internalizes such characterizations as his or her norm. A wise parent would assess each circumstance and instead state that a child was feeling shy in a certain situation, as in meeting new people. It is not “who” they are but it is how they are feeling at the time.

People grow up feeling shame for having valid feelings. This can then create a fear of failure and low self-worth, prohibiting them from trying new things or stretching their limits.

The cost of not having an emotionally safe upbringing pays unfortunate negative dividends into the adult’s future. Many are riddled with fear until they see that these were unnecessary and inaccurate descriptions, and learn to accept love for themselves in the place of fear.

Love is exactly what sets us free. Just as are our bodies are created to heal physical wounds and broken bones, our souls are created to heal when we draw closer to the emotional equivalent — safe love — and away from fear and judgment.

It includes the emotional, physical, spiritual and mental realms. Balanced focus, divine empowerment, and confrontational self-examination in all areas will enable all of us to use more of our gifts in full measure. We are each endowed with talents and come as a “complete package” of inherent creative value and worth.

Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Why?

Could it be that there is not value in a life that is floating mindlessly along without concern of its true potential and full health?

To make sure we are not limiting ourselves and to instead experience greater joy and well-being, we need to ask ourselves these questions while traveling on this journey of life.

1. Compassion vs. Judgment

   Do I often think, “why is someone doing or feeling that?” in judgment instead of trying to come from a place of understanding and insight into the big picture? Do I listen for the meaning behind the words when someone is speaking to me? Do I try to hear their heart? Do I check my internal motive before I speak or do I care about just saying the “right” thing? Does my motive reveal a rejection of who the person is or am I really trying to understand them?

2. Passion vs. Practice

   Do I see a value in making marked investments in people and causes that concern me? Do I say yes to people and events coming from an obligation of “should do” or from a desire of “want to”? Do I live out of a sense of purpose and feel fulfilled or am I not sure how to use my time well? Do I confront when I see abuse or do I try to “keep the peace” and not say anything?

3. Protection vs. Abuse

   Do I protect myself by respecting and honoring my boundaries, making sure I give myself time for refreshment and enjoyment? Do I often give in for the sole reason that someone else requires something of me or do I first check my emotional fuel tank to see if I am overcommitted in one or more areas? Do I voice concerns when I feel like I am mistreated or disrespected or do I allow it by stuffing it? Do I find myself saying “it’s fine” a lot when what I really want to say is something else? Do I protect the emotional well-being of a fellow journeyer? Do I keep others’ confidences when required and when safe to do so?

4. Growth vs. Stagnation

   Do I see myself as a victim of circumstance or an agent of change? Am I always working on some internal area in my life where I would like to see victory or have I written it off to “I’m just that way?” Do I give myself a break when I blow it and not give up the fight even though I have lost a battle? Have I identified and have inner healing from all childhood wounds so I can have the capacity to love myself and give love to others?

There was another great thinker, English writer Charles Reade who penned “Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.” This has been translated in modern days as “Mind your thoughts for they become your words; mind your words for they become your actions; mind your actions for they become your habits; mind your habits for they become your character; watch your character for they become your destiny.”

There is so much joy to be gained on the journey when we become purposeful travelers instead of accidental tourists! The examined life is very much worth living as it brings joy to us as well as to others.

It may be that you have changed your priorities and are focusing on more important tasks, neglecting items that don’t hold an important value in the bigger scheme of things. You may also be overwhelmed at the enormousness of the task and give up, rather than breaking it into smaller time segments to get it done.

Either way, you will free up much needed mental space once you identify which category your “to-do” list item should fall into. You will also find that you are free from excess mental clutter and open up more time and energy to accomplish the things that you truly value.

Sometimes becoming more organized can do wonders for procrastination. So to help with procrastination, you may find it helpful to address each thing on your to-do list by making an intentional choice to either:

1. Do it: Put it on your calendar and block out time to accomplish the task. Treat the item as you would an actual health appointment because you are gaining healthy progress in your quest to remove it from your list!
2. Delay it: Decide when you will accomplish a specific task and put it on your “to-do list” with a specific time period where you will be able to do it. It may be you need more information or planning before you are able to actually accomplish this task, so don’t worry if you are not able to get to it now.
3. Delete it: Remove it completely from your list of things to do, if you don’t remember why it’s on there to begin with or you don’t see a benefit in having it done. Let it go!

It may not be rocket science, but this simple strategy may help you in your battle against procrastination. Or, at the very least, it may be a start…

It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.

The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.

In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:

1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
   • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
   • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
   • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
   • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
   • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
2. Domination, control, and shame:
   • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
   • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
   • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
   • Do they control your spending?
   • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
   • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
   • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
   • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
   • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
   • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
   • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
   • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
   • Do they have trouble apologizing?
   • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
   • Do they call you names or label you?
   • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
   • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
   • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
   • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
   • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
   • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
   • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
5. Codependence and enmeshment:
   • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
   • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
   • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
   • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

While those areas certainly require attention, if we want to have lasting change, it’s our emotional health which needs to be explored. The challenge is that sometimes we become stuck emotionally — we seem to be treading water with our emotions instead of feeling them fully.

What can you do? Here are 8 ideas for how to become more emotionally unstuck in your life that I hope may help.

1. Sit down with yourself in a quiet place, without distractions.

Schedule the time on your calendar if you have to and keep it sacred. You want to start developing your inner voice. Then you have to listen to it, so that it will be directive and get you “unstuck” as you begin to identify what is going on inside yourself. You will find what is needed for healing and recovery. If you use these tools, you will learn to self-regulate and stay healthy on this journey of life.

2. Ask yourself what emotions possibly are under the surface.

You may not be conscious of them, but they should be uncovered after you have identified the primary emotions. For example, anger tends to mask the deeper emotions of fear or pain. Get as deep as possible. If you can’t come up with too many, observe yourself that week and then sit down again at the end of the week for another exploration session.<

3. Once you have identified the emotion, ask yourself again if you have really identified the root or are still on the surface.

If you feel depressed, see if there is also frustration or sadness to go with it. Be diligent in uncovering as many emotions as possible, as aerating a large field. You want all the emotions to be churned out of the earth so that fresh air can get to them.

4. You should have many emotions named at this point.

They are just sitting there on top of that open field. If you have the feeling of nakedness or exposure at this stage, that is normal. You have just dug up your dirt! Good for you — now you are on your way to planting seeds of change.

5. Take one emotion at a time and ponder it alone.

See if you can identify what is causing you to feel this way. This is not a time to settle on a quick answer; the earth has opened up and you need to look at the root of the plants that have surfaced. Sit there with the pain that some of the emotions will conjure up. Understand that you will be OK even though you feel pain. You are doing this in order to get free. The process is anything but easy.

6. If you need a break, save the other emotions for another quiet session.

Only take on what you can handle at a time. Identifying root causes will usually bring up new emotions, so understand this is also normal and that you are actually getting closer to healing once this happens.At this point, do not share any of your journey with anyone who is “unsafe,” only someone who can be trusted not to judge you. What you don’t want is someone to put a guilt trip on you while you are processing your feelings. You need to be very protective of yourself and possibly choose to isolate during this time until there is some marked healing.

7.Whether it’s taken two sessions or two months, you are seeing the root causes now.

You have identified that possibly there are changes that need to be made in some life area so that you don’t experience pain, sadness, frustration or whatever else was uncovered. This is the time to be brave! You want to use affirmations and make bold decisions. If you are allowing yourself to be in an abusive relationship, which can be emotional or physical, this is the time to break out. It will seem selfish at first but it is the ultimate unselfish act toward yourself.

8. Start to see yourself as one who can overcome obstacles and make changes to nourish your well-being.

If there is resistance in the other person with whom you’ve set a boundary, just explain that you are doing something necessary to your health and you are no longer defined by expectation.

Live the victorious life! Do not make excuses for taking time out for yourself or not wanting to do what others desire of you in only meeting their needs. You will be able to meet others’ needs once you’ve taken ample time to nourish yourself. Feel freedom and healing from having broken out from under the patterns that were so destructive and become the most beautiful self which you can attain!