As Marney Makridakis explains in her fascinating and empowering book, Creating Time: Using Creativity to Reinvent the Clock and Reclaim Your Life, time seems to be an issue in most areas of our lives — our dreams in particular.

Not only do we feel besieged by responsibilities but we also get overwhelmed about opportunities and projects we’re passionate about. (How often have you said that you don’t have enough time to pursue a passion, enjoy a mini getaway or read that growing stack of books?)

While we can’t transform time by adding more hours to our days, we can expand our perception of time, Makridakis writes. Time is limitless, actually.

According to Makridakis, “Time is a valuable resource that is far more infinite than we tend to think. We worry so much about not having enough time, when time is, in fact, one resource that is always present, for as long as we are living. Much like oxygen, time is there for us. While the finite amount of time we have is real, the occasions when we feel it lacking, drifting, or lost are largely a matter of perception only.”

That means that we can apply certain tricks and techniques to changing our perception of time. Here are several great ways from Makridakis’s book.

1. Adjust how you measure time. We measure time quantitatively — like numbers on a clock – but we also can measure it qualitatively. It’s the qualitative measurements that are more important in the long term, anyway, Makridakis says. Rather than measuring how long something takes, she says that we can use the following measurements instead:

• How much you learn
• How much joy you feel
• How relaxed you feel
• How connected you are to your passion
• How much you are affected by another person
• How “right” you feel

At first this idea might seem strange — maybe even incorrect. But we don’t need to abandon the quantitative measurements. We can consider both. In fact, we actually already use both kinds of measurements in our lives (and focus more on quality).

Makridakis uses sleep as an example. Most of us – probably all of us – would rather have six hours of restful sleep than nine hours of tossing and turning. As she writes, “Similarly, when evaluating our time, we can be aware of the hours and minutes passed, but the quality of those moments is what really matters.”

2. Look at the circumstances that affect your perception of time. Doesn’t it seem like time truly flies when you’re having fun and slows to a tortoise pace when you’re doing something you don’t want to be?

Makridakis notes that time seems to move faster when we’re enjoying ourselves but it slows down when we’re anxious, unhappy or anticipating something. So how we perceive the speed of time is actually relative.

In other words, according to Makridakis, “time moves faster when something else supersedes our inherent attention to time” – whether that something else is taking a vacation or having a deadline.

If you’d like, make a list of specific circumstances when time moves fast and when it crawls for you.

3. Speed up or slow down your perception of time. Since our perception is malleable, we can do certain things to both slow down how we experience time — when we’re doing something fun — and speed it up — when we’re doing something tedious or we don’t like.

Multitasking tends to accelerate time, Makridakis says, so if you’d like to slow down, focus on one task and reduce your distractions. Also, instead of thinking that you have two hours to spend with your family, consider that you actually have 120 minutes or 7,200 seconds, Makridakis says.

On the other hand, if you’d like to speed up time, think of an hour at the dentist’s office as an itty-bitty fraction of a year or 1/8,760, she says. You also can hasten time by finding a way to engage in your passions. One of Makridakis’s friends, whose passion is filmmaking, brainstorms potential stories or characters when he’s doing something unpleasant.

4. Expand your awareness of time. Makridakis includes a great quote from author Diane Ackerman: “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

According to Makridakis, “Expanding the width of our moments creates more time. When time is wider, we fill it with more and take more from it as well.”

She suggests readers expand their awareness of time by using all your senses to experience each day. Also, at different moments during the day, ask yourself, “How might I experience this moment a little deeper? Feel it a little wider? Accept this moment a little more fully?”

Another strategy is to focus on each moment’s creative potential and think about how you’re being creative in everything you do. Makridakis notes that in the traditional culture in Bali, there are no terms or labels for “creative” and “artist.” “All activities are equally creative, equally of service.”

Even though we can’t stop time or add hours to our days, we can alter how we experience and perceive time. We can change our relationship with time into a positive one, and that’s incredibly liberating.

You can learn more about Marney Makridakis at her website.

In The Book of Doing: Everyday Activities to Unlock Your Creativity and Joy, Allison Arden, publisher of Advertising Age, shares a slew of fun and playful ideas to reignite our creativity. More than that, her book shows us how to create and find joy in our everyday lives.

So what is “doing”? According to Arden, it’s anything and everything from creating, making, helping, experimenting, drawing, reading, playing, acting, cooking, tasting, celebrating and loving.

Here are 10 of my favorite ideas from her book. I hope you’ll try them!

1.  Engage in your favorite activities as a child.

List your top three activities when you were a kid, and start doing them. Not only does this bring more joy and play into your life, but you never know the doors it might open. Arden’s husband started playing the drums again — after a 20-year break! He joined a band and became friends with the bass player, which led to a collaboration and an entirely new career, which makes him happier.

2. Sketch your everyday.

Sketch a picture of a person or object every day. As Arden writes, “Sit still for longer than you have in a while, and see something from a new perspective.”

3. Train for a “something-a-thon.”

This could be anything from a marathon to a bike-a-thon to a bowl-a-thon, Arden says. Today, Arden runs half and full marathons, which help her feel empowered. But years ago, she couldn’t run a mile. The key is to start slow. For instance, if you’re running, she suggests starting with 10 minutes and increasing five minutes every time.

4.  Construct something from natural materials.

According to Arden, you don’t need to buy new supplies; just use the ones you already have to make anything from a snowman to a sandcastle to a building made from sticks.

5. Make a list of three goals on your birthday.

Think about what you’d like to accomplish and write it down. Then give the paper to a friend and ask them to put your list in your birthday card the following year. You’ll get to see what you’ve accomplished or assess what stopped you from achieving your goals. (Maybe your goals changed or maybe you need to overcome certain obstacles.)

6. “Learn the evolution of something that interests you.”

Arden suggests asking yourself the following questions about that topic:

• Where did it start?
• How did it start and why?
• What did it become?
• What changed?
• What should it be next?
• Why?

7. Create a new tradition.

Arden invented the tradition of “Bloodies at the Gate.” Every time she and a friend have to travel for business, they have a Bloody Mary at the airport before their flight. They’ve even inspired others, who’ll send them pictures of themselves enjoying their preflight cocktails.

8. Read biographies of people who’ve inspired you. Arden spent an entire year reading biographies, which she found incredibly informative and eye-opening. These are a few she suggests:

• Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson
• The Last Lion: Winston Spencer Churchill by William Manchester
• John Adams by David McCullough

9. Talk to someone you’ve known a long time about a new topic.

A few suggestions from Arden: “Tell me a story I’ve never heard before or a story you’ve never told anyone. Who [do] you most admire and why? What is your favorite dessert? What was the best thing your parents ever taught you?”

Be sure to record their responses. (This is also a great way to learn more about your family history. Recently I wrote a post honoring Holocaust Remembrance Day on my personal blog. I talked to both my mom and aunt to get the details. It was a lot to take in, but I’m so glad to know more. Talking and writing about these stories ensures that they never die.)

10. Go back and read your favorite stories as a child.

As Arden says, there are many powerful messages in children’s stories that probably just went over our heads when we were young. She suggests:

• Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
• Winne-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne
• Peter and Wendy by J.M. Barrie
• Peter and the Starcatchers by Ridley Pearson and Dave Barry

Arden’s The Book of Doing reminds us that we can create our joy every day. Nothing is too frivolous or too silly or too young. As she says, rediscovering our passions and enjoyable pursuits helps us connect with the world in a powerful and positive way.

Learn more about Allison Arden at bookofdoing.com.

You’re brought into a small room, a “game room,” with a table, chair and three sugary snacks. You’re asked to pick one treat. You choose the marshmallow. Then you’re told that you can either have the marshmallow right away by ringing a bell, or wait a few minutes and get two marshmallows. Then you’re left alone for 15 minutes.

This seemingly simple experiment conducted by Austrian-born clinical psychologist Walter Mischel at Stanford University became known as “The Marshmallow Study.” But don’t let the silly name fool you. This study tested over 600 kids at the Bing Nursery School and has become one of the longest-running studies in psychology.

What Mischel actually wanted to explore had zero to do with kids’ desire for sweets, of course. The lead investigator wanted to test the concept of delayed gratification.

He found that a few kids ate the marshmallow as soon as the researcher left the room. Most waited an average of less than three minutes to consume the marshmallow. But a third used various ways to distract themselves and waited the full 15 minutes. Kids did everything from covering their eyes with their hands and turning around to singing songs from “Sesame Street” and playing hide and seek under the desk to tugging at their pigtails.

While this was fascinating on its own, Mischel would make an even more powerful discovery. Mischel’s daughters also attended the Bing Nursery School. From time to time, he’d ask how their classmates — his subjects — were doing.

He began noticing an interesting pattern, which prompted him to conduct followup research, revealing just how this seemingly simple study was anything but.

According to this piece in the New Yorker by Jonah Lehrer, Mischel mailed out questionnaires to the parents, teachers and academic advisers of the study subjects. The questionnaires requested information on the kids’ abilities to plan, think ahead, cope effectively and get along with others, among many other behaviors and traits. He also wanted to know their SAT scores. Lehrer summarizes Mischel’s findings, which basically revealed that the kids who rang the bell right away weren’t doing so great.

Once Mischel began analyzing the results, he noticed that low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, seemed more likely to have behavioral problems, both in school and at home. They got lower S.A.T. scores. They struggled in stressful situations, often had trouble paying attention, and found it difficult to maintain friendships. The child who could wait fifteen minutes had an S.A.T. score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only thirty seconds.

The inspiration for studying self-control in American kids actually came from an unlikely source: another country. In 1955, Mischel, who was initially interested in psychoanalysis and the Rorschach test, traveled to Trinidad to study one culture’s spirit possession ceremonies. But he changed his mind after noticing the dynamics between two groups of people — those of East Indian descent and those of African descent — and started studying something else entirely. According to Lehrer:

Although his research was supposed to involve the use of Rorschach tests to explore the connections between the unconscious and the behavior of people when possessed, Mischel soon grew interested in a different project. He lived in a part of the island that was evenly split between people of East Indian and of African descent; he noticed that each group defined the other in broad stereotypes. “The East Indians would describe the Africans as impulsive hedonists, who were always living for the moment and never thought about the future,” he says. “The Africans, meanwhile, would say that the East Indians didn’t know how to live and would stuff money in their mattress and never enjoy themselves.”

Mischel took young children from both ethnic groups and offered them a simple choice: they could have a miniature chocolate bar right away or, if they waited a few days, they could get a much bigger chocolate bar.

His research didn’t end up substantiating the stereotypes. But it did bring up important questions about delayed gratification, such as why some kids waited to eat the chocolate bar, while others didn’t.

Mischel also realized that he could actually measure self-control. This was important because at the time most psychology tests, including personality measures, weren’t exactly valid or reliable. After reviewing the literature and using the personality measures in his own work, Mischel realized that the underlying theories were the problem. The measures were created with the assumption that personality was stable across situations. But Mischel found that context was key.

His goal was to conduct rigorous scientific research with measurable variables — and his earlier straightforward setup of sugary snacks in Trinidad provided a great place to start.

Be sure to read the rest of Lehrer’s article, which discusses the advanced methods that Mischel and other researchers are using to study self-control today. For instance, they’re using fMRI machines to explore the brains of the original subjects.

Also, check out this excellent podcast on BBC where Claudia Hammond interviews Mischel and his colleagues. Here, Mischel cautions against using his research to predict the fate of individual kids. He notes that these are group differences, and shouldn’t be misinterpreted as a fortune cookie that dooms one child but blesses another.

(By the way, I know it’s tempting to want to apply these findings to dieting and restricting certain foods like desserts. Unfortunately, nowadays, self-control typically gets associated with such things. However, many studies show that restricting yourself actually leads to overeating. As author of Weightless, a blog that helps people improve their body image and ditch dieting, you know where I stand.)

And that’s exactly what you’ll find in Russ Harris’s book The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts. Harris is a psychotherapist and renowned expert in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). The book is based on ACT’s principles.

The reality slap is a term that Harris uses to refer to life’s various lows, which include everything from losing a loved one to experiencing failure or envy.

According to Harris, after a reality slap strikes, we face another problem: “the reality gap.” The reality gap consists of two sides. One side is the reality we have; the other side is the reality we want.

The bigger the gap between these realities, the more painful our emotions.

This gap can last anywhere from days to even decades. And, unfortunately, he says that our society doesn’t prepare us to deal effectively with a big reality gap.

What can prepare us is finding inner fulfillment — a fulfillment that doesn’t break or bend based on external factors.

Harris defines inner fulfillment as “a deep sense of peacefulness, well-being, and vitality, which you can experience even in the face of a large reality gap — even when your dreams don’t come true, your goals aren’t achieved, and your life is harsh, cruel or unfair.”

In other words, when we experience loss or pain, we can still find peace within. According to Harris, there are three ingredients for inner fulfillment: presence, purpose and privilege.

Presence

Finding fulfillment lies in living fully in the present moment. Unfortunately, our minds make that tricky. Harris says that when we face a particularly big reality gap, our minds produce a slew of painful thoughts, which prevents us from enjoying life and effectively mastering activities.

We get lost in these negative thoughts and spend our days on autopilot, missing the true richness of life, he says. But we can learn to open our eyes and pay full attention.

Harris features an excellent exercise in the book to help readers feel more present with the people in their lives.

Each day, pick one person, and notice that person’s face as if you’ve never seen it before: the color of his eyes, teeth and hair; the pattern of the wrinkles in his skin; and the manner in which he moves, walks and talks. Notice his facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. See if you can read his emotions and tune in to what he is feeling. When he talks to you, pay attention as if he is the most fascinating speaker you’ve ever heard and you’ve paid a million dollars for the privilege of listening. (Tip: Choose the person the night before, and then remind yourself who it is first thing in the morning. This way, you’re more likely to remember to do the exercise.) And, most important, notice what happens as a result of this more mindful interaction.

Harris includes another valuable exercise to be present while engaging in pleasurable activities.

Every day, pick a simple, pleasurable activity — ideally one that you tend to take for granted or do on autopilot — and see if you can extract every last sensation of pleasure out of it. This might include hugging a loved one, stroking your cat, walking your dog, playing with your kids, drinking a cool glass of water or a warm cup of tea, eating your lunch or dinner, listening to your favorite music, having a hot bath or shower, walking in the park — you name it. (Note: Don’t try this with activities that require you to get lost in your thoughts, such as reading, Sudoku, chess or crossword puzzles.) As you do this activity, use your fives senses to be fully present: notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell and savor every aspect of it.

Purpose

According to Harris, “The more we can connect with a purpose that guides our actions now and in the future, the more we will experience a sense of fulfillment; we will feel that we are making the most of our time on this earth.”

While he admits that this is easier said than done, with some thoughtful reflection, you can identify your purpose. Harris has clients consider the below questions, which is part of a process in ACT called clarifying your values. This is key, because “it’s our values that infuse our life with purpose.”

• What truly matters to me, deep in my heart?
• What do I want to stand for as I use my time on this planet?
• What sort of human being do I want to be?
• How do I want to behave toward myself, others and the world around me?
• What personal qualities do I want to cultivate?

Privilege

This refers to experiencing life as a privilege. According to Harris, simply being alive “gives you a valuable opportunity to connect, care and contribute; to love and learn and grow. To treat life as a privilege means to seize that opportunity — to appreciate it, embrace it and savor it.”

Harris says that the reality gap is only one part of an entire stage show. Appreciating life doesn’t mean pretending that this part isn’t present. Rather, it means not only seeing the gap clearly but also seeing the other parts of the stage and finding something in the show that you can treasure.

The below exercise helps to cultivate appreciation, and incorporates being present — paying attention with openness and curiosity — and having purpose — connecting with our eyes and realizing the impact they have on our lives.

As you read this sentence, notice how your eyes are scanning the page; notice how they move from word to word without any conscious effort on your part, how they go at just the right speed for you to take in the information.

Now imagine how difficult life would be if you lost your eyesight. How much would you miss out on? Imagine if you could no longer read books, watch movies, discern the facial expressions of your loved ones, check out your reflection in a mirror, watch a sunset or drive a car.

When you reach the end of the paragraph, stop reading for a few seconds, look around and notice — and I mean really notice — five things you can see. Linger on each item for several seconds, noticing its shape, color and texture, as if you are a curious child who has never seen anything like it. Notice any patterns or markings on the surface of these objects. Notice how the light reflects off them, or the shadows they cast. Notice their contours, their outlines, and whether they are moving or still. Be open to the experience of discovering something new, even if your mind insists it will be boring.

Then, once you have finished, take a moment to consider just how much your eyes add to your life; consider what the gift of vision affords you.

You can take the time to notice and appreciate your life every day. As Harris clarifies, doing so isn’t a panacea for your problems or a way to pretend that life is perfect. Rather, instead of focusing on what you lack, this kind of mindset helps you feel more fulfilled.

Last month we talked about Alan Turing, Carl Jung and the famous Robbers Cave Experiment.

This month we’ve got quite the array of topics and in various mediums, including a podcast and a few videos. You’ll learn about the first sport psychologist, the infamous Wolf Man, the history of treating depression, mental asylums and a recent film featuring psychology’s masterminds.

America’s First Sport Psychologist

In this piece in Monitor on Psychology, York University professor Christopher D. Green, PhD, reveals how experimental psychologist Coleman Griffith became the first sport psychologist. Green focuses on Griffith’s work with the Chicago Cubs in the late 1930s.

(I’ve also written about the history of sport psychology.)

The Wolf Man

Writer Richard Appignanesi and artist Slawa Harasymowicz discuss their graphic novel The Wolf Man in this fascinating six-minute video. The Wolf Man was a famous patient of Freud’s. In fact, he played a pivotal role in Freud’s theory of psychosexual development. The Wolf Man was a Russian aristocrat named Sergei Konstantinovitch Pankejeff. Freud called Pankejeff the Wolf Man to protect his identity. You’ll find more interesting info about the Wolf Man here and here.

Treating Depression

In this New York Times piece, oncologist and author Siddhartha Mukherjee discusses the science and history of treating depression. Specifically, he discusses the birth of Prozac and other psychiatric drugs and the theory that serotonin contributes to depression. He also shares a slew of studies and explores other theories of depression.

Mental Asylums

This 30-minute podcast features various historians discussing the factors that led to the rise and demise of mental asylums along with how people became patients at these asylums and how they were treated. They also dispel a few common misconceptions. Check out other podcasts here.

Reviews of “A Dangerous Method”

“A Dangerous Method” is a 2011 film that chronicles the relationships between Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung and Sabina Spielrein. Spielrein became a patient of Jung’s after she was brought to a psychiatric hospital in Zurich suffering with hysteria. Eventually, she becomes Jung’s colleague and even his lover. (It’s unclear whether they had a sexual relationship in real life.)

You can watch the movie trailer here. Geoffrey Cocks, who teaches at Albion College, recently reviewed the film at the excellent blog H-Madness, which explores the history of psychiatry.

We also reviewed the film on Psych Central (here and here.)

That’s because you and your partner think and feel very differently, she says. And that leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

In her book, Ariel provides wise advice and practical exercises to help you improve your relationship and overcome common obstacles. (She suggests keeping a journal to record your responses.) Here are five ideas you might find helpful.

1. Don’t put the blame solely on your partner.

Your partner isn’t solely to blame for your relationship problems. As Ariel writes, “The true problems lie in the blending of two different modes of being. It is not your partner’s fault that he doesn’t understand certain social expectations, just as it is not your fault that you don’t understand how the pipes in your house work.”

2. Learn as much as you can about AS.

If you don’t know much about AS, it’s easy to misinterpret your partner’s actions and think they don’t care about you. Educating yourself on how AS functions can be a huge help in better understanding your partner and feeling compassion toward them.

Individuals with AS don’t process information the same way everyone else does. According to Ariel, research using brain scans have shown differences between the brain structure and shape of people with AS vs. people without AS.

People with AS have a tough time picking up on nonverbal cues in interactions and understanding people’s emotions. They may misinterpret a loved one’s needs. They may fixate on their own interests and appear like they’re self-absorbed and just don’t care about others. Essentially, people with AS see and experience the world differently. But they absolutely do care and experience emotions — again, just differently.

Learn more in our article on myths and facts about Asperger Syndrome.

3. Reframe your partner’s behavior.

You might think that your partner knows precisely what you need but purposely ignores it or intentionally does something to hurt you. And when you think your partner is cold and mean, you not only get upset and angry, but you also might view all of their actions and intentions negatively, Ariel says.

Reframing your partner’s behaviors helps you refocus on your relationship and work to improve it (vs. stewing in the negativity). It also might help you come up with creative solutions.

You still might disagree with their actions and feel hurt. But you may better understand your partner and work to move forward.

To help you reframe your partner’s actions, Ariel recommends creating three columns in your journal: Behavior or Situation; How it Makes Me Feel; and Another Perspective.

In the first column, describe a behavior or situation that upsets you. In the second column, record your feelings and why you think your partner acts this way. In the third column, try to think of a different explanation for their behavior.

Say you were upset recently about how your spouse handled you being sick. According to Ariel, here’s how your columns might look:

1st column: “When I was sick in bed for three days, she came in only at dinnertime. She left food without asking how I felt.”

2nd column: “This proves how self-centered she is. She didn’t care that I felt lonely and sad because of our lack of connection.”

3rd column: “She likes to be alone when she feels sick. She thinks asking people how they feel when they’re sick is dumb.”

It helps if both of you do this exercise and can discuss it.

4. Be specific about your needs.

Many of us expect our partners to automatically know what we want. Or to know what we want after the many hints we drop.

In reality, that’s rarely the case. And it’s especially not the case with AS partners. Rather than expecting your partner to naturally know what you want or hinting at it, communicate your needs as specifically and directly as possible.

This can be tricky because you might think that you’re already being very obvious. Here’s a simple example: According to Ariel, you might say, “I’m going out for a few hours. Can you please do the yard work?” To you this obviously means bagging the leaves because it’s fall and they’re everywhere. To your partner, this might mean weeding.

Instead, it’s more helpful to say: “Can you please rake the leaves and put them in the leaf bags by the curb for Friday’s pickup?”

5. Talk about how you’d like to connect with each other.

Because you and your partner experience emotions differently, having an emotional connection also can be challenging. Remember that people with AS have a difficult time understanding and identifying emotions, and they may show very little emotion or express inappropriate emotions. You also might miss displays of deep connection from your partner because you express emotions so differently.

Ariel includes the below exercise to help you and your partner articulate how you can improve your emotional connection.

• Using index cards or slips of paper, write down what you do to help you feel more connected to your partner.
• Next write down at least five things you’d like your partner to do.
• Have your partner do the same and list what they do to help you feel connected and what they’d like you to do.
• Read each other’s cards and talk about how you’d like to connect in the future.
• Put the cards in boxes: one box for what you’d like your partner to do; another box for what they’d like you to do.
• Try to do a few of these behaviors each week, and regularly review your lists.

Even though being in a relationship with someone with AS may add additional challenges, together, you can absolutely learn to better understand each other and improve your relationship.

You can learn more about Cindy Ariel at her website.

And it doesn’t just happen on the battlefield: It also happens in the boardroom, on a bike ride and at the grocery store, he says. Courage lives in the everyday and helps us lead more fulfilling lives.

According to Biswas-Diener, courage “allows you to pursue the life you want, to overcome obstacles that hold you back from living a full life, and to put your core values into action, and it also helps and elevates others along the way.” It also helps you have better relationships and do better at work, he says.

In his book Biswas-Diener defines courage as “the willingness to act toward a moral or worthwhile goal despite the presence of risk, uncertainty and fear.”

The Courage Quotient

According to Biswas-Diener, courage is made up of two processes: Your ability to manage fear and your willingness to act. The “courage quotient” is your willingness to act divided by your fear. So people with the highest quotients can deal with their anxiety and take action.

Learning to be Courageous

While genetics may leave some of us a bit braver than others, courage can be learned. Biswas-Diener cites the work of Cynthia Pury and her colleagues, who separated courage into general and personal categories. General courage is how we typically picture bravery, such as soldiers saving lives or citizens exposing illegal acts. Personal courage is unique to each person.

Each of us, Biswas-Diener says, has the capacity to face our fears. He interviewed 50 people from all walks of life – a group he termed the Courage 50 – and discovered that courage is a habit, a practice and a skill.

Cultivating Courage

Biswas-Diener shows readers how to manage fears and boost willingness to act. Below, you’ll find several of these tips. (The first three are specifically for minimizing fear.)

1. Reduce uncertainty.

Uncertainty holds us back from being brave. It’s the fear of the unknown — whether we’ll succeed or fail or get hurt or not.

But courage doesn’t have to mean taking random risks; it can mean taking calculated risks. To do so, it’s important to collect data and expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.

One of the Courage 50 participants, Philippa White, left a good marketing job in London to start her own business in Brazil. This is definitely a brave thing to do, where uncertainty seems inherent. But this wasn’t a decision she made lightly. While still working, White spent a full year researching and preparing for her business. She explained that she never goes “into a situation blind.”

One of the most effective strategies for reducing anxiety is exposure (think exposure therapy). Research has shown that if you expose someone to their feared stimulus – like snakes – in stages, over time, their fear or anxious reactions will decrease. (It’s important to be in a relaxed state during exposure.)

2. Relax.

When our bodies feel fear, we start churning out negative, disaster-focused, irrational thoughts. Thankfully, though, because fear lives in our bodily sensations – boosting blood pressure, heart rate and muscle tension – we can effectively work to turn it off. Relaxation techniques are especially helpful. For instance, Biswas-Diener talks about progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Get angry.

According to Biswas-Diener, the only emotion that can overcome fear is anger. He refers to anger as “the emotion of courage.” Anger propels us to act and often squashes self-doubts, he says.

He cites studies by Jennifer Lerner and Dacher Keltner that found that angry participants were more likely to want to take risks, see themselves as in control and feel optimistic that a positive outcome would occur.

But the problem with anger is that it can inhibit clear thinking. To use anger wisely, Biswas-Diener suggests focusing on your fundamental values. “…You can work yourself into a courageous mindset by focusing on the ways in which your most precious values are being trampled.”

4. Avoid the bystander effect.

The “bystander effect” is one of the obstacles to taking action. It means that the more people present, the less likely they are to intervene to help or accomplish a task. Individuals just assume that everyone else will act. Much research has looked into this phenomenon.

Psychologists have discovered five steps that contribute to people being willing to help others:

• paying attention and noticing a problem;
• realizing that the situation is urgent;
• assuming personal responsibility;
• knowing how to help; and
• making the decision to help.

While there’s no specific research to support it, Biswas-Diener also believes that viewing courage “as a series of small decisions will, itself, boost your willingness to act.”

To learn more about courage, check out Joe Wilner’s interview with Robert Biswas-Diener at Adventures in Positive Psychology.

Psychotherapist and ADHD expert Terry Matlen, ACSW, agreed. Because most parents can’t mimic the tight structure of school, kids often get bored — and may get into trouble, she said. That’s because when kids with ADHD get bored, they seek out stimuli, which can be anything from picking fights with their families to playing with fire, she said.

Some parents discontinue their child’s medication during the summer, which poses another challenge, said Matlen, also author of Survival Tips for Women with ADHD. “That can create a situation where the child has a hard time with self-control, mood regulation [and] social behaviors.”

But while the summer can be challenging, you can absolutely overcome these obstacles and enjoy a fun break. Below, Sarkis and Matlen offer their excellent suggestions.

1. Create structure.

Again, structure keeps your child focused. According to Sarkis, you can create structure by engaging your child in activities at the same time each day or meeting on the same day each week.

Because ADHD runs in families, one of you may have ADHD as well, making it harder to establish structure, Matlen said. Enlist the help of your non-ADHD spouse to assist with planning out the day, she said.

2. Incorporate physical activities.

According to Matlen, physical activities are especially helpful for kids who are impulsive and hyperactive. “It helps them direct their energies in acceptable, healthy ways,” she said. If your child is clumsy, try “non-competitive activities such as swimming, running [and] biking,” she said. (Some kids with ADHD have “fine and gross motor skills [that] may not be on par with others their age.”)

3. Start a rotating playgroup.

Sarkis suggested that parents set up a weekly playgroup with other parents around their neighborhood. You can meet once a week at a different home for a few hours. “This is an inexpensive way of providing structure to a child, and it also giving parents time off in the process,” she said.

4. Consider camps.

According to Matlen, young kids do great in day camps that offer outdoor, structured activities, while overnight camps with physical outlets are ideal for older kids. If your child has a specific interest, such as art, horses or computers, specialized camps are another excellent option, she said.

Both Sarkis and Matlen also suggested camps for kids with ADHD. To find a camp, contact your local CHADD group or post on an ADHD forum, Sarkis said. “Look in your local paper, and ask your pediatrician, teacher, or school counselor,” she added.

(Also, this article has several helpful suggestions on finding a good camp.)

5. Try local facilities.

If camp isn’t feasible, try a local swim club or the Y, Matlen said. These facilities offer an array of fun activities at an affordable cost, she said.

6. Get creative. “Parents can also set up a badminton set in the backyard, purchase a trampoline [or] set up an obstacle course with tunnels and objects to hop over,” Matlen said.

7. Engage them in nature.

For instance, show your kids how to garden. “Kids can get dirty while learning about nature,” Matlen said. Also, “Setting up bird feeders and tending to the food gives kids the opportunity to learn how to care for living creatures,” she added.

8. Visit the library.

Kids with the inattentive type of ADHD often prefer quiet and calm activities, Matlen said. During the summer, many libraries offer either free or low-cost programs for kids, she said.

9. Check out the arts.

Kids who prefer quieter activities also might enjoy attending concerts, plays and art classes, Matlen said.

10. Encourage older kids to work.

If your kids are older, talk to them about the many ways they can earn money, such as dog walking, pet sitting or even having a lemonade stand, she said. This improves math skills and promotes a healthy independence and solid self-esteem, she said.

11. Let your child have a say.

Ask your child what they’d like to do this summer, including the new skills they’d like to learn, such as playing the guitar, camping or cooking, Matlen said. “Once he sees that he has input and that his opinion is valued, the parent has a much better chance at getting him to try new things,” she said.

If your child already has a certain skill, ask if they’d be willing to teach that skill to a younger child. According to Matlen, this can “do wonders for his self-esteem, which for many kids, can get pretty battered during the school year.”

12. Consult your doctor about medication.

Some parents take their kids off medication during the summer since there’s no schoolwork. However, it’s important to thoroughly discuss this decision with your child’s doctor, Matlen said. She’s seen kids significantly struggle without their medication. For instance, because of their hyperactivity and impulsivity, they may lose friends, she said. And “Their behaviors might cause tremendous stress on the family.”

In addition to creating structure and engaging your child in a variety of enjoyable activities, don’t forget to find some alone time for yourself, Sarkis added.

I checked everything from being bothered by bright lights and loud noises to getting startled easily to trying to avoid mistakes to not watching violent movies or TV shows.

Maybe you can relate.

While there are many differences among highly sensitive people (HSPs), we have one thing in common: HSPs have a sensitive nervous system that makes it harder to filter out stimuli and easier to get overwhelmed by our environment.

For instance, the sound of sirens and other loud noises might reverberate like nails on a chalkboard through your head. (They do in mine.)  Crowds might make you especially uncomfortable, while strong smells make you feel sick.

Being highly sensitive isn’t a disorder, aliment or flaw; it’s simply an innate trait, according to Ted Zeff, PhD, author of three books on HSPs, including The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide and The Strong, Sensitive Boy.

Unfortunately, because we’re not like most people, HSPs tend to worry that something is wrong with them. (According to HSP pioneer Elaine Aron’s research, about 20 percent of the population is an HSP.) As an HSP himself, as a boy, Zeff recalled feeling shame for his sensitivity in a society that associates masculinity with being aggressive, tough and stoic.

Today, the idea of masculinity has largely remained the same in our culture with a few added pressures on both genders. Our world is a fast-paced one, filled with even bigger crowds, louder noises and shorter deadlines. Even the pressure to constantly stay plugged in with social media, email and texting can be tough on someone who requires regular peace and quiet.

But there are ways you can effectively cope. Below, Zeff shares his tips on how highly sensitive people can traverse today’s overstimulated world.

1. Set a bedtime and morning routine.

For at least an hour or two before bedtime, shut down all electronic equipment and engage in calming activities, such as reading an uplifting book, Zeff said. Keep the morning calm, too. Spend 30 minutes centering yourself by practicing yoga or meditation, he said. You also might journal or read, he said.

2. Identify your triggers.

Again, all HSPs are different, so it’s important to determine what stimuli trigger your discomfort. For instance, Zeff’s friend, an architect and fellow HSP, didn’t mind the deafening noise during his home remodel. (He could tell the workers to stop any time.) Similarly, one person might pass on violent movies, while another lives for them.

3. Plan ahead.

If you’re sensitive to loud noises and crowds, avoid seeing new movies on a Saturday night or eating out at peak times, Zeff said. Instead, see an early showing or go on a weekday, and have an early dinner when restaurants tend to be less busy, he said.

4. Work around triggers.

Planning ahead doesn’t mean avoiding the activities you love. For instance, Zeff loves to travel. But traveling is one of the noisiest, people-packed things you can do. To tune out triggering noises, Zeff brings his iPod with calming music, earplugs and construction-style earmuffs. He also books hotel rooms on the top floor, at the rear, which tend to be quieter. When he’s staying with family, he brings a white noise machine. If noise also bothers you, consider noise-canceling headphones or CDs with soothing sounds.

5. Investigate current stressors and solutions.

If you’re in a super stressful job, consider why you’re staying, and be open to all options, Zeff said. One of his clients, a chef, worked in an upscale restaurant in San Francisco. The stress got so bad that he developed ulcers and digestive problems and had trouble sleeping. Because he was living in such a pricey place, he believed that he had to make this much money. He and Zeff discussed moving to a calmer, more affordable area. Months after, he got a job two hours away from San Francisco, and his rent was half the price. And even better, his health problems went away.

6. Remember your gifts.

Even though being highly sensitive isn’t a flaw, you still might feel bad that you’re easily bothered by things that others aren’t. There have been many times that I wished I enjoyed roller-coasters like everyone else (as if riding roller-coasters somehow makes you brave), didn’t freak out when I heard a loud bang or wasn’t so sensitive to others’ critical comments. Many times I’ve felt embarrassed or weak or strange.

But HSPs also tend to have many positive qualities, including being creative, conscientious, loyal and deeply appreciative of the arts, Zeff said. (Douglas Eby, a Psych Central blogger, shares five gifts of being highly sensitive.)

7. Take mini retreats.

Zeff stressed the importance of downtime. He suggested getting away at least once a month and relaxing several days a week. Enjoy nature (if you live in an urban area, visit a park) or get a massage, he said. Add calm into your week with activities like aromatherapy, he added.

8. Engage in gentle exercise.

Zeff recommended hatha yoga, tai chi and walking. If you like exercising at the gym, pick a facility that’s not so noisy or wear a headset, he said. It’s also better to exercise before 6 p.m. or 7 p.m., because it takes a few hours for your nervous system to calm down, he said.

9. Speak up.

Non-HSPs simply don’t notice loud noises or strong smells or other stimuli that might be bothering you, so speak up. For instance, say your co-worker talks loudly on the phone. If you think they’ll be open to adjusting their behavior, first build a rapport with them, Zeff said. Then explain that while they’re not doing anything wrong, you have a trait that makes it tougher to tune out stimuli (which about 20 percent of people have), he said. You don’t want to interfere with their lifestyle, but maybe they could speak more softly or when you’re on break, he said.

HSPs also tend to get more upset over hurtful comments, Zeff said. “If someone [has] an abrasive personality, speak up.” But remember to be polite. “Don’t become an insensitive sensitive person demanding everyone…shut up.”

10. If seeing a therapist, see someone who knows about HSPs.

Interview three therapists and ask if they’ve read books about HSPs (such as Elaine Aron’s Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person: Improving Outcomes for That Minority of People Who Are the Majority of Clients or Zeff’s books) or are at least familiar with the concept and willing to learn, he said.

Serani writes poignantly about this so-called self-stigma in her beautiful, information-packed book, Living with Depression:

…I felt inadequate and embarrassed by my diagnosis. I knew that society feared anything that strayed from the norm, and the idea of being seen as different, disabled, or dysfunctional really frightened me. I didn’t tell anyone about my depression, kept my medication hidden in a bedside dresser, and kept secret my feelings of failure. I even went so far as to believe that I should hang up my shingle as a practicing psychologist because, clearly, I was incapable of taking care of myself as a person. How could I take care of others as a professional? Despite the fact that I was a psychologist educated in the mind, brain and body, the misconceptions about mental illness shoehorned themselves into my life.

Fortunately, as Serani started feeling better, these negative thoughts and feelings went away.

In her book Serani outlines other types of stigma, and provides tips for dealing with them.

Types of Stigma

• Public stigma: Oddly enough, it seems like public stigma is actually swelling. Serani cites research that found that 70 percent of people didn’t want someone with a mental illness marrying into their family, 60 percent didn’t want to work with someone with a mental illness and 40 percent didn’t want to be friends with someone with a mental illness. Mass media, writes Serani, plays a powerful role in perpetuating public stigma, portraying mental illness in a negative, belittling and dangerous light.
• Professional stigma: Surprisingly, stigma can live in the health care and even mental health fields. Serani writes, “In my personal experiences, health care workers who had little understanding of mental illness would make jokes about my prescription, speak condescendingly to me, and one even requested not to be left alone in the room with me during a procedure.”
• Label stigma: While diagnoses are important for identifying illness and determining the best treatment, they also can create an “us” vs. “them” distinction: Either a person is violent or crazy or they’re calm or cooperative. Label stigma can lead people with mental illness to “label avoidance,” according to researcher Patrick Corrigan, PsyD, and colleagues. Basically, people hide their diagnosis, avoid places that offer services or deny themselves care, Serani writes. She’s seen this at her own practice. Some clients choose to pay Serani out of pocket without getting reimbursed by their insurance company for fear that their diagnosis would follow them.Serani also experienced label avoidance. For a year, she’d peel off the label from her Prozac and went to a pharmacy several towns away for her psychiatric medication but kept her medical prescriptions at the pharmacy around the corner.
• Stigma by association: Just being the family member, friend or even neighbor of someone with a mental illness can get others to look down on you as well. Serani shares what happened when she opened a practice out of her first home: The neighbors were appalled and worried that “sick degenerates” would be roaming the neighborhood, putting kids in danger. After some time and proof that the people seeking Serani’s services were just like them, her neighbors’ concerns went away – and, as she writes, “nearly everyone in the neighborhood sought my advice, counsel or friendship at one time or another.”

Disclosure is a Personal Choice

How much you reveal about your diagnosis and to whom is up to you. Serani describes two types of disclosure in her book: “indiscriminate disclosure,” where you share your diagnosis with everyone; and “selective disclosure,” where you share your diagnosis but only with certain people at certain times and in certain places.

6 Tips to Deal with Stigma

Serani lists these six tips for dealing with stigma.

1. Educate yourself on the above types of stigma and consider your own beliefs about mental illness.
2. If you can’t disclose your diagnosis, that’s OK. Give yourself permission to keep it hidden.
3. If you’re thinking about revealing your diagnosis, remember that it may be easier to start with “selective disclosure.”
4. Join friendly and reputable organizations that advocate for people with mental illness. Serani lists BringChange2Mind, the StigmaBusters of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Sane or Shift.
5. Help kids and teens understand the upsides and downsides of disclosing their diagnosis. According to Serani, because they tend to be more open about personal information, they’re also more vulnerable to being stigmatized.
6. If stigma feels particularly intrusive, see a therapist for individual or group counseling.

What’s helped you in dealing with stigma? Please share below. It’d be great to learn about additional effective strategies.

Many of us also rarely believe that mental illness merits the same understanding and compassion as medical illnesses such as diabetes, cancer or heart disease.

Such stigma has devastating effects. It “prevents some people from accessing support and professional help and breeds shame and secrecy, which can significantly worsen a person’s condition as well as their prognosis — even to a point of being life-threatening, in the case of suicidal ideation,” according to Joyce Marter, LCPC, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, a multi-site counseling practice in the greater Chicago area.

That’s why it’s so important to talk about the facts. Below, experts share accurate information about mental illness.

1. Myth: Having a mental illness means you’re weak.

Fact: Having a mental illness has nothing to do with strength, and it can’t be willed away, according to Deborah Serani, PsyD, psychologist and author of Living with Depression.  Think of it this way: Would you expect someone to will away their diabetes?

Serani also pointed out that seeking help for mental illness takes strength — especially in today’s society. “Despite research showing how mental illness is a real medical illness, society continues to stigmatize people who have them.”

2. Myth: Anyone who behaves erratically is “bipolar” or “borderline.”

Fact: “Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are complex biopsychosocial disorders that can usually be successfully managed through a combination of psychotherapy and medication,” said Dr. John Grohol, founder of Psych Central.com.

But many people, even religious leaders, assume that individuals who display different aspects of their personality or behave irrationally are “bipolar,” Marter said.

Marter shared an example of a client who was about to tell her priest that she’d been hospitalized for an episode and was working really hard to recover.

Unfortunately, before she could, the priest called another person “crazy and bipolar.” As Marter said, “Like many, it probably would never have occurred to him that this attractive, intelligent, lovely woman dealt with a mental illness.”

3. Myth: People with a mental illness don’t lead productive lives.

Fact: “People with a mental illness who receive treatment with therapy and medication can live full, enjoyable and productive lives,” Serani said. Marter regularly sees highly educated and successful people who have mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders or substance abuse.

Many high-profile people also have struggled with mental illness, including Harrison Ford, Halle Berry and Terry Bradshaw. In her book Living with Depression, Serani lists over 400 high-profile individuals. 

“People with mental illness look like you and me and very well may be you and me at various points in our lives. We all have issues and nobody is immune from the effects of mental illness on ourselves, our friends, our families and our communities,” Marter said.

4. Myth: Psychotherapy is like talking to a friend.  

Fact: While social support is key for well-being, both Marter and Serani stressed that friends aren’t a replacement for therapy. “Therapy is a place to process your feelings with an objective professional who will compassionately collaborate with you to process your feelings, understand yourself and your relationships, improve your thinking and clarify your work [and] life vision,” Marter said.

Serani also has heard people call therapy a ripoff because you’re paying someone to listen to you. In a way, you are, she said, except that you’re working with “an Olympic medal listener.”

Therapists train many years to become effective listeners in order to gain understanding, identify and analyze, she said.

5. Myth: Seeking psychotherapy means you have “serious” problems.

Fact: “Seeing a therapist is healthy, normal, positive and proactive,” Marter said. Therapy can be valuable in various ways. For instance, it can teach you strategies to process your emotions and cope with life stressors, help identify and change negative beliefs or patterns in your life and understand more about your behaviors, relationships and yourself, she said.

6. Myth: Therapists tell you what to do.

Fact:  Therapists don’t dole out advice. Instead, they help you help yourself, Serani said. “Advice-giving creates dependency, whereas helping you discover your behavioral pattern and motives creates self-awareness.”

“The goal of psychotherapy is to empower you with ways to deal with life issues, learn your triggers and build resiliency, so you can find well-being,” she said. She likened therapy to the famous Chinese proverb: “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish; you feed him for a lifetime.”

7. Myth: Medication is enough to treat mental illness.

Fact: Research shows that psychotherapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), is highly effective for mental illness, said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.

A combination of psychotherapy and medication also is effective. (In fact, Marter recommended that individuals taking medication participate in psychotherapy, too.)

Also important is seeing a psychiatrist as opposed to a general practitioner, Marter said. “There is great variance among physicians regarding training, knowledge and experience with treating mental disorders.” Psychiatrists have a deeper understanding of psychotropic medication.

8. Myth: Having a parent with mental illness guarantees you’ll struggle, too.

Fact: As Duffy said, “though you may inherit a predisposition to certain mental illnesses, you may never suffer the symptoms, and there are preventive measures you can take.” Some of these measures include: the ability to effectively identify emotions, communicate well, cope with stress and participate in physical activities. Essentially, it’s any measure that can help you “build resilience for that time if [or] when mental illness comes along,” he said.

9. Myth: Alcoholism and substance abuse are the result of poor lifestyle choices.

Fact: “Addiction is a disease,” Marter said. She explained that it’s a biological, genetically-based disorder. “Its hallmark is progressive use in the face of adverse consequences [such as] effects on school or work, health, finance, legal, relationships.”

With mental illness, there’s no “us” vs. “them.” Mental illness touches everyone. Please educate yourself, and proceed with compassion.

Below, Stephanie Silberman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist, sleep specialist and author of The Insomnia Workbook: A Comprehensive Guide to Getting the Sleep You Need, provides tips on how to reset your sleep cycle.

1. Make adjustments in increments.

The best way to successfully shift your sleep cycle is to do it gradually, in 15-minute increments, according to Silberman. If you have less time to prepare for your new schedule, try 30 minutes, she said. (But no more than that.)

Give yourself at least three or four nights to get comfortable with the new schedule. If it’s going well, on the fourth or fifth night, shave off another 15 minutes.

Keep in mind that feeling groggy when you get up is normal. As Silberman said, “Most people don’t wake up full of energy.” So expect that you’ll feel sleepy for about 20 to 30 minutes.

2. Be consistent all week.

The key to changing your sleep schedule is consistency. That means sticking to the same sleep and wake time throughout the week, including weekends.

If you want to sleep in on the weekends, Silberman suggested giving yourself an extra hour (two hours max). You may get less sleep on Saturday, but you’ll be back on track for Sunday, she said.

3. Keep your room dark at night and light in the morning.

“Our circadian rhythms are influenced by light and darkness,” Silberman said. Unfortunately, because of daylight savings, it’s still bright out at 8 p.m., which makes switching into sleep mode tough.

So, at night, close your blinds and curtains, and use a night light for reading. In the morning, “Flip on all the lights to jumpstart your body,” she said.

4. Wear sunglasses.

“Wear sunglasses in the afternoon and early evening to naturally [make yourself more sleepy],” Silberman said. Sunglasses trick your brain into thinking it’s bedtime.

5. Get up if you can’t sleep.

“Don’t lie in bed tossing and turning, especially if you’re wired,” Silberman said. Instead, get up and do something either boring or relaxing, she said. If you can’t stop thinking or worrying about something, get it out of your mind by writing it down, she said.

6. Stop pressing the snooze button.

While it might be rough to get up earlier, snoozing doesn’t help. “In general it won’t be the best quality of sleep,” Silberman said. She said to set your alarm to the time you actually want to wake up.

7. Follow sleep hygiene rules.

If you’re having trouble falling asleep, stop drinking caffeine within 12 hours of your bedtime or exercising within four to five hours, Silberman said. Give yourself an hour to unwind, she said. During that time, don’t do anything stressful or stimulating (such as use electronics).

You can learn more about Silberman at her website and follow her on Twitter, where she shares links to articles on sleep.

Depression is an insidious, isolating disorder, which can sabotage relationships. And this can make not knowing how to help all the more confusing.

But your support is significant. And you can learn the various ways to best support your loved one. Below, Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist who’s struggled with depression herself, shares nine valuable strategies.

1. Be there.

According to Serani, the best thing you can do for someone with depression is to be there. “When I was struggling with my own depression, the most healing moments came when someone I loved simply sat with me while I cried, or wordlessly held my hand, or spoke warmly to me with statements like ‘You’re so important to me.’ ‘Tell me what I can do to help you.’ ‘We’re going to find a way to help you to feel better.’”

2. Try a small gesture.

If you’re uncomfortable with emotional expression, you can show support in other ways, said Serani, who’s also author of the excellent book Living with Depression.

She suggested everything from sending a card or a text to cooking a meal to leaving a voicemail. “These gestures provide a loving connection [and] they’re also a beacon of light that helps guide your loved one when the darkness lifts.”

3. Don’t judge or criticize.

What you say can have a powerful impact on your loved one. According to Serani, avoid saying statements such as: “You just need to see things as half full, not half empty” or “I think this is really all just in your head. If you got up out of bed and moved around, you’d see things better.”

These words imply “that your loved one has a choice in how they feel – and has chosen, by free will, to be depressed,” Serani said. They’re not only insensitive but can isolate your loved one even more, she added.

4. Avoid the tough-love approach.  

Many individuals think that being tough on their loved one will undo their depression or inspire positive behavioral changes, Serani said. For instance, some people might intentionally be impatient with their loved one, push their boundaries, use silence, be callous or even give an ultimatum (e.g., “You better snap out of it or I’m going to leave”), Serani said. But consider that this is as useless, hurtful and harmful as ignoring, pushing away or not helping someone who has cancer.

5. Don’t minimize their pain.

Statements such as“You’re just too thin-skinned” or “Why do you let every little thing bother you?” shame a person with depression, Serani said. It invalidates what they’re experiencing and completely glosses over the fact that they’re struggling with a difficult disorder – not some weakness or personality flaw.

6. Avoid offering advice.

It probably seems natural to share advice with your loved one. Whenever someone we care about is having a tough time, we yearn to fix their heartache.

But Serani cautioned that “While it may be true that the depressed person needs guidance, saying that will make them feel insulted or even more inadequate and detach further.”

What helps instead, Serani said, is to ask, “What can we do to help you feel better?” This gives your love one the opportunity to ask for help. “When a person asks for help they are more inclined to be guided and take direction without feeling insulted,” she said.

7. Avoid making comparisons.

Unless you’ve experienced a depressive episode yourself, saying that you know how a person with depression feels is not helpful, Serani said. While your intention is probably to help your loved one feel less alone in their despair, this can cut short your conversation and minimize their experience.

8. Learn as much as you can about depression.

You can avoid the above missteps and misunderstandings simply by educating yourself about depression. Once you can understand depression’s symptoms, course and consequences, you can better support your loved one, Serani said.

For instance, some people assume that if a person with depression has a good day, they’re cured. According to Serani, “Depression is not a static illness. There is an ebb and flow to symptoms that many non-depressed people misunderstand.” As she explained, an adult who’s feeling hopeless may still laugh at a joke, and a child who’s in despair may still attend class, get good grades and even seem cheerful.

“The truth is that depressive symptoms are lingering elsewhere, hidden or not easy to see, so it’s important to know that depression has a far and often imperceptible range,” Serani said.

9. Be patient.

Serani believes that patience is a pivotal part of supporting your loved one. “When you’re patient with your loved one, you’re letting them know that it doesn’t matter how long this is going to take, or how involved the treatments are going to be, or the difficulties that accompany the passage from symptom onset to recovery, because you will be there,” she said.

And this patience has a powerful result. “With such patience, comes hope,” she said. And when you have depression, hope can be hard to come by.

Sometimes supporting someone with depression may feel like you’re walking a tight rope. What do I say? What do I not say? What do I do? What do I not do?

But remember that just by being there and asking how you can help can be an incredible gift.

1. “Act your shoe size, not your age.”

This according to Deborah Serani, PsyD, psychologist and author of Living with Depression.
In other words, play for the sake of playing. “Find your funny bone, lose yourself in imaginative moments [or] get your air-guitar on — whatever it is, have some unstructured, unfettered fun,” she said.

Psychologist Elisha Goldstein also recently talked about the importance of play in this blog post and offered valuable tips on practicing play.

2. Play with your kids.

Spending just 10 minutes with your kids can go a long way. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of the forthcoming book Finding Love Again: Six Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship, suggested playing a card game or a board game with your kids or helping them paint or color a picture.

3. Get personal with your partner. 

If you’re in a long-term relationship, spend 10 minutes talking to your partner, Orbuch said. The goal is to get to know your partner, whether you’re chatting about silly or serious things. For instance, Orbuch suggested asking: What was the craziest thing you ever did as a kid? If you could do anything, what would you do? What famous person would you like to meet and why?

4. Engage in vigorous exercise.

Engage in vigorous activities that you enjoy, such as riding your bike, running, walking, hula hooping or dancing. And if you have the time, make it 20 minutes — or do two 10-minute activities throughout the day. “Sustained fast movement for about 20 minutes has the same impact on your brain as an antidepressant,” said Darlene Mininni, Ph.D, author of The Emotional Toolkit.

In fact, as you probably know, exercise boosts mood and minimizes anxiety. In one study, researchers assigned people with major depressive disorder to one of three groups for four months: aerobic exercise, antidepressant therapy or a combination of exercise and medication. After four months, all groups improved. However, after 10 months, the exercise group had lower relapse rates than the medication group.

According to Mininni, research also has found that walking dramatically improves mild to moderate depression and anxiety.

5. Engage in soothing exercise.

Practices such as yoga and tai chi also serve as mood boosters and anxiety relievers. When you’re really worried or anxious, Mininni said, your muscles get tense and contract. Activities that stretch your muscles help to counteract this tension.

Mininni interviewed many yoga instructors for The Emotional Toolkit, and they said that the best poses to reduce depression and anxiety are sun salutations.

Older people or anyone recovering from an illness can try chair yoga. Mininni suggested starting out with simple stretches on the chair, such as putting your hands over your head, then behind your back, and touching your toes.

6. Pay it forward.

According to Serani, “Research shows that tiny acts of kindness ripple exponentially across social experiences, essentially sparking a contagiousness of generosity and cooperativeness.”

This 2010 study found that kindness is contagious. When participants gave money in a “public goods game,” recipients were more likely to pay it forward by giving their money away in subsequent games.

7. Call a friend.

Most of us feel much better after talking our hearts out with a friend. Talking to someone who’s kind and caring actually activates the calming parasympathetic nervous system, Mininni said.

When stress strikes, women, in particular, tend to seek support. Socializing and connecting with loved ones increases levels of oxytocin, which is associated with attachment and caregiving and creates a sense of calm. Estrogen actually amplifies oxytocin production.

Psychologist Shelley Taylor at UCLA and her colleagues have found evidence that in times of stress, women typically “tend-and-befriend.” In other words, women naturally deal with stress by caring for others and nurturing their connections.

This response may date back to prehistoric times when men went out to hunt, leaving women vulnerable to other gangs and animal predators, Mininni said. Huddling together was the only way to stay safe. So women may be hardwired to feel safe and soothed when connecting with other women, she said.

8. Take a break.

It’s not fancy, but surprisingly, it works.

A 10-minute break can relax you and help you feel refreshed. “Be it a catnap, a timeout from the daily work grind, or a solitary moment alone, make sure to unplug from the high-octane demands of your day,” Serani said.

9. Write a letter to your ex, if you’ve recently ended a relationship.

When composing your letter, be honest about your feelings, Orbuch said. But don’t send the letter. “This letter is for you to defuse your emotions so you can feel better and put the past behind you,” she said.

(If you’re holding on to certain emotions with another relationship, write a letter to that person, too. It also might help to consider how you’re going to remedy or cope with the situation.)

10. “Throw a curve into your routine.”

In other words, do something that you wouldn’t normally do, such as taking a different route from work, trying a new spot for lunch, shopping at a different supermarket or joining a pickup basketball game instead of running on the treadmill, notes Serani.

“A new experience will heighten your senses and give you a new story to tell.”

But you can learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy way. In fact, there are many methods to effectively manage your emotions.

Journaling is one of them.

“Journals are like a checkpoint between your emotions and the world,” writes clinical psychologist Beth Jacobs, Ph.D, in her valuable workbook Writing for Emotional Balance: A Guided Journal to Help You Manage Overwhelming Emotions.

Journaling helps you make sense of your emotions, pinpoint patterns and gain relief. Research has shown that it also helps you reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health.

In Writing for Emotional Balance, Jacobs lays out seven skills of emotion management: distancing yourself from your emotions; defining what emotions mean for you; releasing stuck emotions; learning to focus while experiencing overwhelming emotions; using organization to clarify emotions; regrouping after you’ve had an emotional setback; and maintaining your new skills.

Today, I’d like to share her tips for distancing yourself from your emotions and defining them.

Distancing Yourself from Your Emotions

According to Jacobs, gaining distance from your emotions is vital because “…You can’t see or understand something if you are right in the middle of it.”

Gaining distance, Jacobs writes, occurs with time and a different perspective. Time doesn’t heal unacknowledged emotions, she notes. But the key is to realize that feelings are fleeting. So if you’re incredibly sad right now, there was and will be a time when you’ll feel excited, relaxed or happy.

One way to practice this idea is to write about a good experience. Not only does this remind you that there’s life beyond bad feelings, but it also serves as an emotional anchor, according to Jacobs.

“Your memory can become a positive emotional reference point, to remind you of your range of possibilities when you are at your worst, feeling rotten and hopeless. When you describe a happy memory in your journal, you will be mentally reinforcing that memory so that it might occur to you later, in difficult times.”

You can try the following exercise to access that anchor.

I remember a good feeling _______ [when]. I simply felt ______________ [describe the feeling in a few words].  I was __________________ [where], and I remember noticing _________________ [something sensory]. It was a time in my life when I was doing ________________ [an activity or a general description].  I’ll never forget ________________ [people, weather, environment, etc.] around me. I’ll never be right there again but I know I CAN feel that way again.

After writing out your memory, Jacobs encourages readers to think about what you usually feel like when you’re overwhelmed. Then reread your good memory. For a few times go back and forth between the overwhelming memory and the positive memory. This helps to create an association between the two.

The second part of gaining distance, according to Jacobs, is “knowing that your feelings are only one possible reaction to a situation and not the only ‘right’ reaction.”

To illustrate that, pick three people: someone who knows you well; an acquaintance; and someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Write down their names. Next, describe or comment on a major life event from each person’s perspective. (Or you can describe yourself in each person’s voice.) Try to really put yourself in the person’s shoes by capturing their voice.

Jacobs concludes the chapter with a powerful thought: Getting distance from your feelings can help you “survey your situation with greater breadth and flexibility, and that, in turn, can help you feel calmer and allow you to make better decisions.”

Defining Your Emotions

According to Jacobs, naming a feeling “encloses the feeling instead of allowing it to enclose you like an invisible vapor.” It also can “contain and quiet a feeling.”

Feelings consist of thought processes, sensory experiences (such as irritating sounds), and physical sensations (such as muscle tension or your heart rate).

In one activity, Jacobs suggests readers think of an emotion and describe these three parts. For instance, when you’re sad, what thoughts, memories or statements come to mind; what sensory experiences do you have; and what physical sensations do you experience?

In another activity, readers learn to define their feelings even further by completing the following sentences for basic emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, longing and humiliation.

If this feeling was a color, it would be _________________

If this feeling was weather, it would be ________________

If this feeling was a landscape, it would be _____________

If this feeling was music, it would sound like ________________

If this feeling was an object, it would be __________________

These exercises help to sharpen your awareness, so you can notice even the most subtle signs of a feeling.  The earlier you can name an emotion, the sooner you can intervene.

Further Reading

Jacobs features several sample exercises on her website, along with her list of recommended resources on journaling and coping with emotions.