“I just get too anxious with dating.” He replied, “Well, no one wants to have a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder.”

Even close family can make insensitive remarks about mental illness from time to time. (We covered nine common comments here.) “I know for sure that he was not trying to be mean. He simply wasn’t thinking,” said Fast, a coach who works with loved ones of people with bipolar disorder, and author of bestselling books on the disorder, including Taking Charge of Bipolar Disorder.

But these comments still sting. And they can nick an already slim sense of self, which is likely bruised from your own biting inner critic.

Yet, while these statements do hurt, they don’t have to affect you — at least not so significantly. Below are several constructive ways for dealing with insensitive or ignorant remarks.

Acknowledge & Correct the Comment

“The solution is to acknowledge what the person said so that they know you are not attacking them and then correct them so they don’t say it again,” said Fast, who also pens a blog on bipolar disorder. She gave this sample response regarding her dad:

“Dad. It may seem that people don’t want to go out with someone who has bipolar disorder, but I’ve never experienced this. The guys I have gone out with are usually amazed at how well I handle things. The dating issue is about me, not about the guys. It’s my extreme anxiety about meeting someone new. Bipolar disorder is the reason that I don’t date, but it’s never the reason that someone would not want to date me. Does that make sense? I’m actually seen as someone who is very stable. I have to be, considering that I write books on the topic!”

Ignore The Comment

Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, you might prefer to disregard a comment. For instance, on Saturdays Fast watches soccer with friends at a local bar. Recently the person sitting next to her, whose team kept changing tactics, said, “God. Can’t they decide what to do? They play like two different teams. They are so schizophrenic.”

Several minutes later the same person said, “They really need to get their act together. It’s like they are hearing voices telling them different things. They play like they have bipolar. It’s awful!”

“My first thought was to tell her to at least get her illnesses straight. It would be more appropriate to use schizophrenia for the hearing voices comment. [But] I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t the place,” Fast said.

Educate the Person

People often say insensitive or ignorant comments because they simply lack the education about mental illness, Fast said. In fact, it’s only recently that words such as depression and bipolar disorder have become part of daily conversation, she said. Even two decades ago, they were rarely discussed.

Fast doesn’t view ignorant remarks as cruel. (“I’ve certainly said many insensitive things in the past.”) Instead, she believes that we’ve come a long way, and we can educate others on discussing mental illness “in a kind and supportive way.”

For instance, when someone confused multiple personality disorder with schizophrenia and being out of control, Fast told them:

“I know what you mean about the behavior, but schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder are totally different illnesses. Did you know that MPD is now called dissociative disorder? I never believed it was a real illness until I met people who suffer from the symptoms. It’s actually close to PTSD.  Schizophrenia is a psychotic illness; the person stays the same, but the symptoms make the person say and do things that are out of the norm. It is [sometimes] about hearing voices, but not about being two different people.”

When educating someone, consider:

• Watching your tone: Fast always uses a “kind and educating” tone, even when she’d rather tell someone they’re just being ignorant. This prevents people from getting defensive. “If you say, ‘That’s a stupid thing to say. You have no idea what you are talking about,’ the dialogue is closed.”
• Telling a personal story: “I talk about myself first and then try to educate,” Fast said. You could do the same if you feel comfortable.
• Sticking to the science: Therese Borchard, a mental health blogger and author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes, prefers to focus on the science, and keep her replies less personal. “People absorb science and logic more quickly than personal opinions, so if you can ground it in neurobiology that tends to go further than a lengthy argument on why your feelings are legitimate.” For instance, you might say one or two sentences about cell shrinkage in parts of the brain, she said.

Refocus on Your Healing

“Many of the things others say have a kernel of truth to them and could be a helpful piece of a healing journey, but when reduced to just one offhand comment they seem simplistic and offensive,” said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the blog “In Therapy.”

(On the other hand, “They may also be projecting their own needs, struggles, and strengths onto the client, which often misses the boat completely.”)

Take the example of prayer. Someone might say that you’d feel much better if you just prayed. For individuals who are religious, prayer can be incredibly helpful. It may help “them feel energized, provide a new perspective, and can give them hope that a loving higher power is involved,” Howes said.

However, prayer is rarely the only effective intervention. “[T]here are often behavioral, emotional, relational, and physical self-care interventions they can implement.” And, of course, to someone who isn’t religious, this might be doubly insulting.

But whether the comment is ill- or well-intentioned, Howes suggested refocusing on what you need to do to get better. “Turning attention…back toward your own healing is the best [thing] you can do.”

Insensitive and ignorant comments sting. You can choose to correct or ignore the comment or educate the individual. But whatever you do, remember to refocus on your treatment and take good care of yourself.

So I was excited to pick up a copy of Mason Currey’s book Daily Rituals: How Artists Work. In it, Currey shares the everyday routines of writers, composers, painters, playwrights, poets, philosophers, filmmakers, scientists and other artists — 161 in total.

In his introduction, he notes that Daily Rituals is “about the circumstances of creative activity, not the product; it deals with manufacturing rather than meaning.” His goal, he says, is “…to show how grand creative visions translate to small daily increments; how one’s working habits influence the work itself, and vice versa.”

Daily Rituals is a fascinating glimpse into some of the greatest minds, and the habits and practices that are integral to their creative process.

For instance, take exercise. For many of the individuals, it was (and is) indispensable. Spanish artist Joan Miró exercised vigorously. (He worried about suffering another severe depression, which he did as a young man.)

According to Currey, his routine included: “boxing in Paris; jumping rope and Swedish gymnastics at a Barcelona gym; and running on the beach and swimming at Mont-roig, a seaside village where his family owned a farmhouse, to which Miró returned nearly every summer to escape city life and recharge his creative energies.”

Novelist and writer Haruki Murakami has said that “physical strength is as necessary as artistic sensitivity.” In 1981, when he had just started working as a professional writer, Murakami led a sedentary life and smoked as many as 60 cigarettes a day. But he revised his unhealthy lifestyle. Currey writes:

He soon resolved to change his habits completely, moving with his wife to a rural area, quitting smoking, drinking less, and eating a diet of mostly vegetables and fish. He also started running daily, a habit he has kept up for more than a quarter century.

Oliver Sacks, a physician, professor and author of several bestselling books, including The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, prefers swimming, after he meets with his analyst at 6 a.m. “Swimming gets me going as nothing else can, and I need to do it at the start of the day, otherwise I will be deflected by busyness or laziness.”

For Tchaikovsky, long daily walks were essential to his creative process. The weather conditions didn’t matter. According to Tchaikovsky’s brother:

Somewhere at sometime he had discovered that a man needs a two-hour walk for his health, and his observance of this rule was pedantic and superstitious, as though if he returned five minutes early he would fall ill, and unbelievable misfortunes of some sort would ensue.

Others also followed superstitions. Truman Capote had to write in bed. In 1957 he told The Paris Review: “I am a completely horizontal author.” He’d write longhand using a pencil and then type up the final copy, balancing the typewriter on his knees. He had other superstitions.

He couldn’t allow three cigarette butts in the same ashtray at once, and if he was a guest at someone’s house, he would stuff the butts in his pocket rather than overfill the tray. He couldn’t begin or end anything on Friday. And he compulsively added numbers in his head, refusing to dial a telephone number or accept a hotel room if the digits made a sum he considered unlucky. “It’s endless, the things I can’t and won’t,” he said. “But I derive some curious comfort from obeying these primitive concepts.”

Ernest Hemingway had certain interesting idiosyncrasies, as well. Despite popular belief, he didn’t start his work by sharpening 22 number-two pencils. But he did write standing up, “facing a chest-high bookshelf with a typewriter on top, and on top of that a wooden reading board”; and “compose his first drafts “in pencil on onionskin typewriter paper laid slantwise across the board.”

When his work was progressing well, he’d move to the typewriter. When it wasn’t, he’d switch to answering letters.

Maya Angelou is particular about her work area. She’s said that she likes to keep her home pretty. “[A]nd I can’t work in a pretty surrounding. It throws me.” So she works in hotel or motel rooms. In a 1983 interview she shared her routine:

…I keep a hotel room in which I do my work – a tiny, mean room with just a bed, and sometimes, if I can find it, a face basin. I keep a dictionary, a Bible, a deck of cards and a bottle of sherry in the room. I try to get there around 7, and I work until 2 in the afternoon. If it’s going well, I’ll stay as long as it’s going well. It’s lonely, and it’s marvelous. I edit while I’m working. When I come home at 2, I read over what I’ve written that day, and then try to put it out of my mind. I shower, prepare dinner, so that when my husband comes home, I’m not totally absorbed in my work. We have a semblance of a normal life. We have a drink together and have dinner. Maybe after dinner I’ll read to him what I’ve written that day. He doesn’t comment. I don’t invite comments from anyone but my editor, but hearing it aloud is good. Sometimes I hear the dissonance; then I try to straighten it out in the morning.

B.F. Skinner, the founder of behavioral psychology, not surprisingly, treated his work as a lab experiment. (Would you expect anything less?) According to Currey, Skinner conditioned “himself to write every morning with a pair of self-reinforcing behaviors: he started and stopped by the buzz of a timer, and he carefully plotted the number of hours he wrote and the words he produced on a graph.”

So what’s the takeaway from these daily rituals?

They’re as varied and interesting as the great minds who followed them (and follow them today). And despite their great work, many still worried about their progress, struggled with creative blocks and experienced constant self-doubt (like William James and Franz Kafka).

So if you’re regularly second-guessing your work, take heart. You’re among an illustrious group. But I hope you don’t simmer in your self-doubt for too long. There’s work to be done.

It also helps us confront hardships, and make beneficial changes in our lives. Self-compassion “allows us to engage our brain and body’s basic soothing system,” said Dennis Tirch, Ph.D, a psychologist and director of The Center for Mindfulness and Compassion Focused Therapy.

By supporting ourselves, we create “a secure base” to deal with challenges. “As a result, cultivating self-compassion can help us to have the motivation and the courage to engage in behavioral changes, leading us to live bigger lives, and move towards what matters to us.”

Unfortunately, many people — especially those with mental illness — can sometimes be particularly hard on themselves.

Tirch has found that clients who’ve had painful or critical relationships in their early lives have a tougher time supporting and being kind to themselves.

They also might “experience an inner voice that evokes shame or a sense of worthlessness.”

The stigma surrounding mental illness only feeds the inner critic. Individuals with mental illness often experience feelings of shame and inadequacy and believe their illness is somehow their fault, Marter said.

They may internalize the negative (and, unfortunately, common) myths about mental illness. As Marter said, “It’s hard to be self-compassionate when living in a culture that is not always informed or compassionate about mental illness.”

So how can you be kinder to yourself if it doesn’t exactly feel natural or automatic? You can learn.

“Fortunately, self-compassion can be trained and that process can be liberating,” said Tirch, also author The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. “Training the mind in compassion allows [people] to develop a supportive, helpful and empowering way of relating to themselves.”

Tirch helps his clients “use imagery, meditation, behavior change and thought exercises to cultivate their compassionate minds.” Here are several self-compassionate strategies to start you off.

1. Listen to kindness.

Tirch’s website offers excellent audio practices, which focus on meditation and imagery, to help people become more self-compassionate. Find the practices that resonate with you, and make them a habit.

Christopher Germer, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in mindfulness- and acceptance-based treatment, has many free meditations on his website. You’ll also find meditations on Kristin Neff’s website. She’s the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind and a self-compassion researcher.

(Neff shared her tips for self-compassion in this piece.)

2. Treat yourself like a loved one.

Marter suggested readers treat themselves like they would their child, best friend or someone else they love deeply (and unconditionally). In other words, “if you are saying things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to somebody else, you need to turn down the volume on your inner critic.”

3. See a therapist.

If you’re not already working with a therapist, seek professional help. Every mental illness is treatable. A mental health professional can help you cope effectively with your illness and learn to be more self-compassionate. Marter helps her clients zero in on their inner critic and quiet those self-destructive thoughts.

“Eventually, clients report hearing my voice throughout their day and then begin to internalize a more compassionate and positive inner dialogue.” She also helps them overcome their past, practice acceptance and stay in the present moment.

4. Get support from a 12-step program.

Marter works with many clients who are in recovery from substance or alcohol abuse. “They carry a tremendous amount of shame and self-blame around their addiction.” Twelve-step programs, she said, are helpful in “working towards acceptance, forgiveness and self-compassion.”

Learn more about Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

5. Remember that mental illness is an illness.

If you have a mental illness, you might think it’s your fault, and you don’t deserve compassion. Or, if you’re struggling with depression, bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, ADHD or any other illness that sinks your sense of self (and supplies your inner critic), you might think you don’t deserve much of anything.

Marter regularly reminds her clients that mental illness has a “biomedical component.” It is not the result of poor choices, personality flaws or some weakness on your part. Thinking mental illness is your fault is like believing you’re to blame for having asthma, diabetes or cancer. The empowering part is that you can seek professional help and cultivate healthy habits. But your illness is not your fault.

If you have a low sense of self, it may be a symptom of your mental illness. This is another concern that therapy can help with.

6. Remember that everyone struggles.

Comparing yourself to others can fuel feelings of inadequacy, Marter said. But remember that everyone has challenges. Don’t compare your insides to another person’s outsides, she said.

“I believe we all have mental health issues at various points in our lives, whether it be anxiety, depression, self-esteem problems or difficulty managing stress. I believe this is a part of the human condition and that mental health issues are a normal response to a person’s nature and nurture.”

Self-compassion might not seem natural to you right now. Fortunately, it’s a skill you can practice. And with more and more practice, you can extend more and more kindness and support your way.

Take the telephone, for instance. Originally, in 1876, Western Union rejected it, explaining in an internal memo: “The device is inherently of no value to us.”

The automobile was met with similar reservations. The president of Michigan Savings Bank told Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company, because: “The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty, a fad.”

Satellites didn’t seem that useful either. T. Craven, the FCC commissioner, had this to say in 1961: “There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television or radio service inside the United States.”

These are just some of the powerful examples you’ll find in The Power of Starting Something Stupid: How to Crush Fear, Make Dreams Happen, and Live Without Regret by Richie Norton with Natalie Norton. After conducting hundreds of interviews and researching a slew of cases, Norton discovered an interesting trend: “Successful people, throughout history and today, don’t avoid stupid, they lean into it…in a smart way.”

He calls this “stupid as the new smart.” He defines it as “that nagging hunch, that golden idea, that lofty dream, that if it weren’t so seemingly ‘stupid,’ might actually have the chance to become something truly significant – in your own life, and quite possibly, in the world at large.”

Norton distinguishes this concept from “unhealthy stupid,” which he says is “inherently faulty, meaning the stupidity is a permanently ingrained and inseparable element.”

Do you think you might have a stupid idea?

If so, Norton suggests starting with START. In his book he outlines these five actions, which spell out the word “start.” They are: Serve, Thank, Ask, Receive and Trust.

He says that these aren’t chronological principles. Instead, they’re principles to embrace “as a way of life.” And they work for any project and anyone can use them.

Successful people search for opportunities to serve others. Norton features a quote from Steve Hargadon, founder of the website FutureOfEducation.com, about his motto “Go, Give, Get”:

Go: Start doing something you love and value enough that you’d do it for free in your spare time. Give: Find a way to really help people, to do something that will make a difference in their lives. Get: Notice that the opportunity for benefits will come your way — either financially, or just in the satisfaction of helping make the world a better place.

Norton also believes that gratitude is key. “In order to build genuine relationships, experience greater fulfillment, and set yourself up for significant and meaningful success, always express sincere gratitude, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the contribution may be.”

Asking others is another powerful path to success. According to Norton, “A simple but effective way to become who you want to become or go where you want to go is to ask for directions from those who have already been there.”

When asking others for help, Norton suggests doing your homework on the person or organization (find out their needs and goals); thinking about how you can use your own strengths to contribute to their mission; and figuring out how working together can serve you both.

He says that this is often more meaningful than hiring someone for their services, because it can lead to a deeper relationship (“a more significant emotional exchange”) and possible collaborations in the future.

Norton also stresses the importance of “receiving others.” And he makes a distinction between receiving and accepting. “Accepting a gift is a transaction,” he writes, but “receiving a gift means you run with it and score.”

In other words, to truly receive a gift, we need to use it to achieve our goals. Plus, when we receive a gift, we’re not just receiving a product or a service; we’re receiving the giver, too (and they’re receiving us).

The last action focuses on trust. “Trust is simply about choosing to associate with people who are trustworthy and being a trustworthy person yourself,” Norton writes. First, it’s important to trust yourself, because if you don’t trust yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

Norton suggests taking a personal inventory and considering questions such as: “Do you keep commitments to yourself and others? Do you put in an honest day’s work, for an honest day’s pay?”

He also suggests being the first to trust others. Doing so motivates people to meet your positive expectations, while distrust motivates them to put up their defenses.

“The principles of START are most effective when they are embraced as continuous principles of human connection,” according to Norton. And they prepare us for success, valuable lessons and contributing in meaningful ways.

The Power of Starting Something Stupid is an inspiring, encouraging and motivating book filled with stirring stories and valuable insights.

But, for many of us, that’s exactly when our self-care dips. We neglect our needs and get trapped in a web of overwhelm.

In her excellent book The Art of Extreme Self-Care author Cheryl Richardson shares a valuable idea that can help: creating a “self-care first-aid kit.”

She describes it as a “well-prepared plan of action put in place before you need to use it. It consists of things you can do on a physical, emotional and spiritual level that will give you comfort, connection and a feeling of steadiness while navigating the rough waters of a crisis.”

For instance, Richardson used her kit when a routine mammogram showed a lump in her breast. She had to wait three days for the results of the biopsy. Naturally, she was shocked, scared and overwhelmed.

“The practice of Extreme Self-Care turned out to be my lifeline, steps that not only got me through the waiting period, but also better prepared me for whatever might happen.” (Fortunately, she got “a clean bill of health.”)

When you’re facing a difficult situation or any kind of stressor, it helps to know exactly what and who will bring you the most comfort and let you express your feelings healthfully and safely.

To create your kit, Richardson suggests answering these 10 questions:

1. Who can I turn to for support and comfort?

Who helps you feel safe and lets you feel your feelings? For instance, this might be your partner, a best friend, your parent or a sibling. It’s someone you can turn to when you’re overwhelmed and afraid.

2. Who should I avoid?

These are individuals who heighten your anxiety, aren’t good listeners and overwhelm you with questions and advice. For instance, this might be your co-workers, who are less than supportive and like to gossip about everyone’s problems.

3. What does my body need to feel nourished, healthy and strong?

Maybe you need to drink water frequently, practice yoga, get more sleep and take a walk in the park a few times a week.

4. What responsibilities do I need to relinquish so I can attend to my needs and feeling my feelings?

You might need to say no to extra projects at work, hire a housekeeper for a few hours or set firm boundaries with certain friends.

5.  What unhealthy or unhelpful strategies or activities do I need to avoid?

You might need to limit caffeine to minimize anxiety or stop watching TV too late, so you can get more sleep.

6. What spiritual practice connects me to God or another higher power I believe in?

This could be reading a religious text, praying, meditating or attending a 12-step program.

7. What will bring me comfort right now?

This might be anything from getting a massage to wearing comfy clothes to drinking a warm cup of tea.

8.  How can I express my feelings healthfully?

This might include talking about your feelings to your support system and writing about your feelings in a journal.

9. What object can I use as a talisman to remind me to relax and be in the present moment?

For instance, this might be a pair of rosary beads or a picture of a loved one in a locket.

10. What’s a healthy distraction for me when I need to take a break?

This could be anything from watching funny films to playing with your pet to knitting to reading your favorite magazine.

Jot down your answers in a journal, and keep it somewhere visible (and handy). This way, the next time stress strikes, you don’t need to think about how you’ll support your needs and practice self-care. You’ll already have a thoughtful, effective plan all written down.

This month I’m excited to share my interview with Miranda Hersey. Hersey wears many creative hats. She’s a writer and editor, creativity coach, and host of the blog Studio Mothers. And she’s a mom of five!

I’ve already interviewed Hersey for several creativity pieces, and I love her interesting insights and valuable tips. Her e-book on creativity and motherhood is excellent. (I shared a few of her tips here.)

And her mission is powerful: to help others live deeply satisfying, creative lives.

Hersey’s work has appeared in many publications, including the Boston Globe, the Boston Globe Magazine, Wild Apples, Sun Magazine, Bay Area Parent, the Parent Review, and Exceptional Parent.

Her short story, “Learning to Cook,” was shortlisted for the 2004 Raymond Carver Short Fiction Award. She lives in rural Massachusetts, happily overrun with people, books, and animals.

This is without a doubt one of my favorite interviews. I hope you enjoy it, too!

1. Do you incorporate creativity-boosting activities into your daily routine? If so, what activities do you do?

In between morning meditation and getting the family out the door, I start every day reading the New York Times in hard copy. The paper is full of fascinating stories about human beings, the things that we do to each other, and the many ways in which we make art.

I read the paper in its print edition as opposed to online because it’s tangible, easy to put down and pick up, and isn’t accompanied by the black hole of the Internet, e-mail, and Facebook.

It takes me about 90 minutes to read the entire weekday paper (sports section excluded). I don’t usually have time for that, so I read as much as I can on any given day.

Journaling is also part of my morning routine — a key part of sifting out the detritus that can interfere with creative work. In addition to clearing my head, I use my journal to reinforce my intentions for the day. Reading (books, as opposed to the newspaper) is also an essential daily activity.

2. What are your inspirations for your work?

What inspires me most is seeing other people show up and do their work. The commitment of others motivates me like nothing else: reading Poets & Writers and seeing who’s published what and who’s won which award or grant; Bookmarks Magazine and the New York Times Book Review are shots in the arm. I love reading interviews with working writers that delve into their daily lives and practices.

As for actual nuggets of inspiration that make their way into my writing, it’s all about using prose to make sense of the often unfathomable experience of life — while telling compelling stories that resonate with the reader. I use a lot of autobiographical material as launching points.

Many years ago, my friend Roland Pease (poet, editor, and publisher) shared with me this Grace Paley quote: “Write what you don’t know about what you do know.” It’s the best writing advice I’ve ever received.

3. There are many culprits that can crush creativity, such as distractions, self-doubt and fear of failure. What tends to stand in the way of your creativity? How do you overcome those obstacles?

I used to worry a lot more about whether or not my work was any good. Now I accept the fact that any work-in-progress will on some days seem brilliant and on other days seem like certifiable drivel. That’s just how it is.

As a writer and as a coach I also buy into the paradigm that the cream rises to the top. With a novel, if you do the work — study your craft, read voraciously over decades, develop your powers of poetry and observation, practice by getting smaller pieces published (both fiction and nonfiction), enter literary contests, and write daily or near daily — you will eventually write a novel of value. Then you edit and get feedback from your writing group and revise again, and again, and then polish until the stone is smooth.

At that point, it’s just a numbers game. We all know of classics and modern bestsellers that were rejected dozens of times before finding their way into the world. Having worked the slushpile at an independent publishing house, I have a good sense of what’s out there. Much of it is generated by people who haven’t paid their dues. People who don’t seem to read and haven’t bothered to learn the difference between its and it’s and wouldn’t know a comma splice if it hit them in the head.

These things matter, as do an understanding of story structure. As a professional editor, I’m a little biased on this point, but if you want to come across as the real deal and knock the socks off of an agent or publisher, don’t tell yourself that “the editors will fix it.” Buy a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style and do your homework.

Believing in this paradigm of the work paving its own way becomes a religion of writing, making it easier to keep self-doubt and fear of failure at bay. The structure applies to any creative discipline. As Steven Pressfield writes, “If you’re seeking reinforcement from outside yourself, you’re in for a long, lonely haul. The answer to self-doubt is self-reinforcement. Lindbergh made it to Paris, and you and I can too.”

When all else fails, I remind myself that the Pulitzer winner John Hersey was my third cousin twice removed (or something like that). It’s my responsibility not to disgrace the Hersey name, right? And maybe, with any luck, some of that DNA has made its way into my writing muscles.

I won’t really know until I finish and polish my novel, which is currently at 100,000 words and far from complete. And if my manuscript ultimately disappoints me, I’ll put it in a drawer and start over. Meanwhile, I continue the daily practice of becoming a better writer — which is to say, living with as much presence as I can muster and surrounding myself with words.

4. What are some of your favorite resources on creativity?

Books. I am a hoarder of books. (I allow myself this weakness because books are the only thing I stockpile. Aside from children.) The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp, The Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori, The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander. Everything by Eric Maisel, Danny Gregory, Keri Smith, Patti Digh, Jennifer Louden, Steven Pressfield, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Julia Cameron, and Natalie Goldberg. I could go on for several more pages here. How many pixels are left on this web page?

5. What is your favorite way to get your creative juices flowing?

The best way to get the creative juices flowing is to do the work. In my experience, there aren’t any shortcuts. There’s no waiting for the muse. Butt in chair; do the work. Want to read a page of Wallace Stevens or Mary Oliver first? Great. Then do the work.

6. What’s your advice for readers on cultivating creativity?

What do you love? What calls to you? Do that. Be that. Study that. Not sure where to start? Learn by doing, do your research first, or a combination of the two. The only limitations are the ones you set for yourself.

7. Anything else you’d like readers to know about creativity?

I used to have this Graham Greene quote stuck on my computer: “Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” Yes. We make meaning by creating. So whatever cards you’re dealt today, give them a shuffle and go make something.

“It can get really nimble if you use it often.”

The key to strengthening this muscle is finding exercises that work best for you.

For inspiration, we asked several creativity coaches, artists and authors to share the one activity that, without fail, helps them access their creativity. Maybe you’ll add these to your repertoire.

Soaking

“Nothing is better for my self-care, my well-being and my imagination than a soak!” said Michelle Ward, a creative career coach, speaker, and co-author of the book The Declaration of You. She usually brings a book with her and keeps a notebook – for jotting down ideas – within arm’s reach.

For Ward, being around any body of water is inspiring. “Whether I’m on the beach or in the shower or in a park around a lake, that’s where the ideas flow and inspiration happens. Hmmm…maybe purchasing that boat I want isn’t such a wasteful move after all…” (We agree!)

Listening to Music

Playwright and creativity coach Zohar Tirosh-Polk’s muse is music. “Music instantly gets me in a more connected, creative place.” In fact, each of her plays, including the award-winning “SIX,” was inspired by a song or set of songs.

Tirosh-Polk creates a playlist for every project. “It keeps me connected to the soul of the play I’m trying to write. It helps me remember the world I’m creating in a tangible, direct way.” And it helps her get out of her head and into her “soul and body.”

Even when Tirosh-Polk isn’t working, putting on music inspires her to write, dance, sing and draw. “Music does create atmosphere and it has a way of bypassing our thinking minds and get our creative juices going.”

Freewriting

Every morning Justine Musk, a novelist and writer, pens three pages about whatever is on her mind a la Julia Cameron.

“I’m not trying to be creative or poetic. I write these pages to get to the other side of the wildness that’s cluttering my brain. When I do that, I find I can let go of everyday surface anxieties and shift into a calmer, more creative place.”

Musk described this practice as unlocking her mind. In fact, she believes all freewriting is powerful. “It takes you to the end of your thoughts in a way that just being in your head never does. It’s like it opens up a secret passageway in your brain, leading you to what you really think, and what you really know, that might surprise you.”

Being Out in the World

“I’m self-employed, so I spend a lot of time at home slaving over my laptop, a situation that isn’t always conducive to creative thought,” said Susannah Conway, a writer, photographer and author of the book This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart.

So she makes sure to venture outside. Even going to the supermarket gives her new ideas. “It’s like rebooting my brain so it can make connections I might not have found while sitting at my desk staring at the screen. I need to breathe in the streets of London to find a new perspective.”

Showing Up

For Christine Mason Miller, a mixed-media artist and author of the book Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World, the best creativity catalyst is “to simply show up.” That might include painting, writing or doodling.

“Even if I’m not in the mood, I can get into a creative zone very quickly just by starting. Even something as simple as gluing or taping images and papers into an art journal counts!”

The same is true for full-time painter Karine Swenson. “The one activity that always inspires my imagination is going into the studio to do my work. Once I am painting or drawing, the ideas come freely.”

She believes it’s a common myth that “the idea comes first and the art follows.” Foremost, for Swenson, is putting in the hard work at her studio.

Waiting

Peel Starer’s no-fail creativity booster is waiting. “If I’m waiting for a train, or in a doctor’s office lobby or sitting in the car at a light, my mind fills up that space with some creative entertainment, and it’s usually pretty good stuff.”

It’s why she has lists and notes in her pockets. She also sends herself messages throughout the day. “Sometimes the ideas stick and then I can formulate the best plan of attack, and get to the fun part, which is that blissful ‘working phase.’”

Before long, Tim starts viewing Linda’s desire to be alone as rejection of their marriage. Linda starts viewing Tim’s behavior as dismissive of her needs.

Relationship expert Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, shared this common scenario. It’s easy to misunderstand our partner’s priorities and perspectives, especially when we’re quicker to get upset and slower to communicate directly.

The problem is that “miscommunication feeds on itself. Once couples get caught in a negative cycle of communication, they find it hard to correct it,” said Rastogi, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill.

Fortunately, by making several adjustments to how you communicate, you can prevent and solve misunderstandings much more effectively.

1. Listen — genuinely.

Listening to your partner’s perspective is key, Rastogi said. It helps you make progress on your issues. “As hard as it is to hear someone disagree, or criticize your behavior, listening to someone expressing dissatisfaction can lead to problem-solving.”

2. Avoid having to be “right.”

Instead of trying to understand how a situation has affected their partner, couples are too busy formulating their rebuttal, according to Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist with a private practice for couples in Newport, Calif.

“Couples get stuck in this dynamic… both end up hurt and one or both withdraws.” Rather than getting trapped on the miscommunication merry-go-round, relinquish your need to be right. Again, focus on listening to your partner’s point of view.

“At the end of the day, what matters most is that each partner feels emotionally validated in the relationship, not that one or the other is right about the most recent argument.”

3. Focus on feelings.

Couples often hyper-focus on their thoughts during arguments, and ignore their own underlying feelings. Before you start arguing, pause, take a deep breath and figure out how you’re feeling, Hansen said.

Then share those feelings with your partner. But remember that feelings, such as “I feel sad” or “I feel disappointed” are different from thoughts, such as “I feel like you don’t care about me,” she said.

4. Take a break when conflict escalates.

According to Hansen, “When things begin to spin out of control, couples need to take an agreed-upon break and work on self-soothing during that time.”

For instance, this might be anything from taking a walk to practicing breathing exercises. The key is to “do something that will decrease the anger rather than increase it.”

Once you’re both calm, listen to each other’s feelings and focus on fixing your concerns, she said.

5. See your partner as an ally.

Remember that your partner isn’t the enemy, Hansen said. You’re a team. Just this change in perspective can help you better understand each other and work toward a solution for your problems.

Hansen gave this example: “We’re on the same side. How are we going to get through this? I want to feel heard and validated. You want to feel heard and validated. Let’s work together to resolve this issue and both get our needs met.”

6. Research relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about improving your relationship, Hansen recommended these books: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman; Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller; and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.

7. See a therapist.

“Seeking couples therapy can really help with deconstructing the patterns of communication, and learn healthy ways to bond,” Rastogi said. Here’s help on finding a good couples therapist.

When two people — with different personalities from different families and backgrounds — get together, conflict is inevitable. However, healthy couples are able to move through conflict constructively. Remember you’re on the same team. Figure out your feelings, express them calmly and listen intently to your partner.

That’s because creativity is a practice. It’s magical in many ways. But the magic requires a trained magician.

Here are 15 fun activities you can do in 10 minutes to jump-start your creativity and inspire your imagination.

1. Go on a photo safari.

“Grab your camera — any will do, even your smart phone! — and take yourself out for a 10-minute walk around the block,” said Susannah Conway, a writer, photographer and author of the book This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart.

“Photograph all the red, yellow and green things you see.” Focus on the little details. You might find these colors on the ground, in windows or on people, she said. “Look up as well as down. Get closer. Think of your camera as a tool to help focus your attention on the here and now.”

You also can pretend “you’re taking pictures for Vogue or the Museum of Modern Art,” said Zohar Tirosh-Polk, a playwright and creativity coach who recently wrote the award-winning play “SIX.” “It will help you to see ordinary things in a new light.”

2. Do housework.

Housework might sound like a strange suggestion, said full-time painter Karine Swenson. But creativity can flourish in the mundane. She noted that “it should be something quiet that doesn’t take too much thought,” such as “sweeping, folding laundry or dusting.”

3. Cook.

“Try a new recipe, make a new smoothie [or] bake some cookies. It will get your creative juices going, and it will taste good too,” Tirosh-Polk said.

4. Make a small collage.

Page through your favorite magazines and pick several pictures that resonate with you, Tirosh-Polk said. Cut them to create a collage. It can be small enough to fit into your journal. Each collage also can have a theme, she said, such as “Things in Red,” “Urban sparkle,” or “Spring.” Or it can be “your vision for your dream home, job [or] trip.”

5. Daydream.

Simply stare out the window, and let your mind wander. “I have read that when our minds are in a relaxed state, the subconscious will take over. If you believe, as Jackson Pollock and many of the surrealists did, that art comes from the subconscious, then you may wish to try this,” Swenson said

6. Create a list.

“Create a playlist like you’re the hottest DJ in town, a reading list like you’re the New York Times, a destination list, or a menu for yourself or someone else,” Tirosh-Polk said.

7. Check out your go-to inspiration.

What books, songs and videos inspire you? For instance, Michelle Ward, a creative career coach and speaker, suggested doing exercises from Keri Smith’s books, listening to Ukulele Anthem by Amanda Palmer and getting a pep talk from Kid President.

8. Socialize.

“It doesn’t have to be a conversation about art or creativity. Sometimes the most random comment from small talk will stick with you and spark a new idea,” Swenson said.

9. Draw.

“Break out the crayons and draw for 10 minutes, like you’re Picasso, or you know, Pollock,” Tirosh-Polk said.

10. Play.

Try an activity you used to love as a child. “Ten minutes in a swing works wonders,” Swenson said.

11. People-watch.

Tirosh-Polk suggested sitting on a bench for 10 minutes and observing others. Pay particular attention to their conversations. Write down whatever you pick up, she said.

12. Find a quiet spot.

“If at all possible, find a place away from the bustle of humanity,” Swenson said. This might be a park, the seaside or a quiet path, she said. But leave your iPod at home.

Instead, “plug your ears to the sounds of the world around you. Immerse all of your senses in this experience…and just be.”

13. Problem-solve with your dream advisory board.

Justine Musk, a novelist and writer, suggested creating a dream advisory board of five people. This could be anyone you admire, “dead or alive, famous or not famous.” Consider a recent problem, “whether it’s personal or professional or artistic.” Then turn it into a question.

“One by one, write a letter to yourself from each member of your board, seeing the problem from each member’s perspective. How would each person advise you to solve it?  What would each member want you to do, think about or know?”

14. Create a collection of prompts.

“Write a list of writing topics or drawing subjects, each on small, individual pieces of paper,” said Christine Mason Miller, a mixed-media artist and author of the book Desire to Inspire: Using Creative Passion to Transform the World.

Then put these pieces of paper into a bowl or jar. “Anytime you need a 10-minute creative time-out, draw one of your prompts from the jar and give yourself 10 minutes to go for it!”

15. Just start.

Give yourself “full permission to be as bad or messy as you need,” said Ward, co-author of the book The Declaration of You. It could be the “cheesiest, most horrible thing ever,“ Tirosh-Polk said. The product doesn’t matter. The key is to start.

“The only thing that could be ‘wrong’ when it comes to being creative is to not do anything at all,” Ward said.

“[Being outside] provides ADHD children with a more open environment to appropriately express their energy,” according to Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Psychotherapist Terry Matlen, ACSW, agreed. “Children who are hyperactive and impulsive can release tension far easier being outside running, jumping, swinging and playing sports than sitting indoors.”

The inherent changes in the environment also are beneficial for kids with ADHD, she said. “There is a natural rhythm and movement that can offer a calming effect [such as a] slight breeze [and] gentle sounds of leaves rustling.”

Plus, it gives kids the opportunity to move their bodies, which also helps to reduce ADHD symptoms, according to Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, a psychotherapist and author of several books on ADHD, including Making the Grade with ADD: A Student’s Guide to Succeeding in College with Attention Deficit Disorder. “Exercise increases dopamine levels in the brain, and these levels are naturally low in the ADHD brain.”

Exercise also helps kids with ADHD “improve their balance, coordination and other gross motor skills,” Matlen said.

Below, you’ll find ideas on fun and engaging outdoor activities.

Structured & Simple Activities

“Structured, organized activities with simplified instructions such as art or creative activities, playing tag and yoga can be helpful for children with ADHD,” Sarkis said. She also stressed the importance of “unstructured free play.”

Team Sports

“Healthy competition can be very engaging and highly stimulating,” Olivardia said. You can involve your kids in team sports such as soccer, baseball, basketball, volleyball, football or tennis.

Individual Activities

While some kids with ADHD thrive in team sports, “many have problems with social skills and poor motor skills (clumsiness),” said Matlen, author of Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD. So activities such as “running, swimming, biking, climbing on playground equipment might be better activities than playing on a soccer or tennis team.”

Natural Activities

“Children with ADHD are curious and most love nature,” Matlen said. She suggested everything from gardening to setting up bird feeders. Then kids can “quietly wait for birds to feed, [which is] a great skill to develop.”

Yard Work

Matlen also suggested “activities like painting the fence, raking leaves [and] hauling things in the wheelbarrow.” These kinds of activities are effective “because it forces children to use their bodies against resistance which offers a calming effect, much like some therapeutic activities occupational therapists use with children with ADHD.”

Troublesome Tasks

“Activities that may be difficult to engage a kid with ADHD indoors may be an entirely different experience outdoors,” Olivardia said.

He worked with a 12-year-old boy with ADHD, who had a hard time reading. His client concluded that he was just a bad reader. But Olivardia suggested he read outside. “It worked! He attributes his dramatic increase in reading endurance to ‘being in a space without walls.’”

Being outdoors gives kids with ADHD permission to move, Olivardia said. And that can be incredibly empowering. “The ‘bull in the china shop’ indoors could be the tree climber, fastest runner, or nature walker outdoors.”

As Matlen said, “Kids with ADHD are constantly being told to sit still, be quiet and stay clean. Having the opportunity to run free, roll in the dirt and play with the garden hose are important outlets that can help ease hyperactivity and impulsivity.” And it’s important for parents to encourage that.

The great outdoors also can become a valuable teacher. “There are many learning opportunities in almost any outdoor experience,” Matlen said. For instance, your child can measure how many cups of sand they need to fill a bucket or learn to take care of plants, she said.

The key is to pay attention to how ADHD interferes with your daily life and develop strategies that work for you, said Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Here are several strategies for improving common symptoms, which you can start today.

1. Find professional treatment.

“Because ADHD is an inherited biological and neurological disorder, receiving treatment is very important,” said Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, a psychotherapist and author of several books on ADHD, including 10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD: How to Overcome Chronic Distraction & Accomplish Your Goals.

If you’re not receiving treatment right now, make an appointment with a practitioner who specializes in ADHD. Today, you can research specialists in your area, narrow it down to a few potential candidates, and contact them. (Here’s information on finding a therapist who’s right for you.)

2. Get a simple planner.

Jot down your goals for the day in a paper planner. Then “break them down into small steps to keep you on track,” Olivardia said.

3. Make the most of your smart phone.

Today, “start exploring the many functions of your smart phone,” said Terry Matlen, ACSW, a psychotherapist and author of Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD. For instance, “you can set up voice reminders or type written notes.” You can do this for daily tasks and appointments. Matlen even uses her iPhone to note where she’s parked.

4. Use all surfaces to stay organized.

“Sometimes unique, novel ideas work better because they keep you interested,” and people with ADHD tend to get bored easily, Matlen said. For instance, today, get a pack of white board markers, and jot down reminders on your bathroom mirror, microwave door or even your car’s windshield, she said.

Basically, you want to put reminders on “whatever you tend to look at that ties in with what you need to remember or where you are when you need to remember something.”

5. Ask a friend to keep you accountable.

Accountability and support also are helpful in minimizing symptoms, Olivardia said. For instance, call a trusted friend or relative, and ask them to become your accountability partner. This way you can check in with them about accomplishing your goals, he said.

In general, remember that it’s OK — and recommended — to ask for help. “Getting assistance with daily tasks can help reduce stress, especially considering that people with ADHD have difficulty with detailed work and organization,” Sarkis said.

6. Use transitions to get things done.

“For example, if you tend to watch TV after dinner but walk through a messy kitchen to do so, start a new habit of washing the dishes before heading into the TV room,” Matlen said. Today, think of one such transition and the quick task you can do.

7. Spot the source of your problem.

If you’re struggling with a chore or project, consider what’s holding you back, Matlen said. Maybe you don’t have the right tools to get the job done. If so, “mark in your planner a day [and] time to get to the store to purchase whatever is needed so you can complete the task.”

Maybe the task is inherently boring. “Come up with ways to attack the project so that it’s less painful.” You could invite a friend over to work on their own troublesome task. This way you tackle personal projects side by side, each motivating the other.

8. Tidy up in increments.

For people with ADHD, cleaning can feel like a big, cumbersome task. (Actually, it does for most people.) Carve out 15 minutes today or tonight to put things away, Matlen said. Make it a daily habit.

9. Get enough sleep (and to eat).

“ADHD symptoms are exacerbated when one is sleep-deprived or malnourished,” Olivardia said. So it’s vital to make sleep a priority, and to eat regularly (enjoying nutrient-rich foods).

10. Accept that you have ADHD.

“The greatest obstacle to successful living with ADHD are not the symptoms, but rather the shame that cloaks those with ADHD, preventing [people] from developing useful strategies,” Olivardia said. ADHD often requires you to get creative and work differently than people who don’t have ADHD, he said.

But that’s OK. “[I]t’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Plus, plenty of people with ADHD lead successful, productive, fulfilling lives. (In fact, all the experts featured in this article have ADHD.)

ADHD can affect all areas of your life. But the good news is that it’s treatable. And you can take small steps every day to manage your symptoms.

Clinical psychologist Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, also stressed the importance of “early intervention or preventative care. Couples who check in every so often with a therapist and work to strengthen their relationship tend to have the most success.”

For instance, it’s helpful to see a therapist before you get married, according to both relationship experts. “This is the easiest time to make healthy changes,” Rastogi said.

Any transition, in addition to tying the knot, has the potential for conflict, said Hansen, who has a private practice for couples in Newport, Calif. That includes having kids and an illness in the family.

Yet, most couples wait until they’re distressed or one partner wants out of the relationship, Hansen said. Naturally, this makes it harder to create positive change. (But it’s not impossible.)

Whatever place you’re in as a couple, finding a skilled specialist is key. Below, Rastogi and Hansen shared their tips for finding a reputable expert.

1. Ask for referrals.

For instance, you can ask your primary care physician, pediatrician or OBGYN to recommend several couples therapists, Hansen said. Online therapist finders are another option. “Rastogi recommended searching on this website for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

2. Interview potential candidates.

“Almost all therapists say that they work with couples,” Rastogi said. But that doesn’t mean they’re qualified to do so. That’s why it’s important to ask about the focus of their practice, Hansen said.

What should you expect to hear? “You will want to find a clinician who has sought out training and education specifically related to interpersonal relationships and couples dynamics.” This could be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), a psychologist (Ph.D or Psy.D) or a social worker (MSW or LCSW).

Again, the goal is to find someone who’s “focused their education, training, and practice on relationship dynamics,” and “continues to educate themselves and train in the latest couples therapy theories and interventions,” Hansen said.

Rastogi suggested asking these questions: How often does the therapist work with the issues you’re struggling with as a couple? What percentage of their work is with couples (versus individuals)? (“A safe bet is 30 percent or more,” she said.) Will they accept your insurance? (“If not, you should figure out up front what your weekly out-of-pocket costs will be.”)

3. Shop around.

“It is totally acceptable to meet with a few providers before choosing one that feels best for you and your partner,” Hansen said.

How can you tell if a practitioner is best for you? “Pay attention to your own feelings of connection with the therapist,” Rastogi said. It’s important for both partners to feel understood and validated, she said. It’s also important for both partners to trust their therapist, Hansen said.

If either of you feels uncomfortable – you think your therapist is “taking sides, encourages one of you to leave the other, meets more often with one of you alone, allows for secrets” – voice your concerns.

Remember that therapy is a process, Hansen said. And sometimes either of you (or both) will be dissatisfied with it. Again, speak up, and address your concerns.

Also, keep in mind that your problems won’t be fixed in the first few sessions, Rastogi said. But in two to four sessions, “you should have somewhat of a better understanding of your own and your partner’s issues.”

Further Reading

• Red Flags A Clinician Isn’t Right For You
• How to Choose a Therapist and Other Frequently Asked Questions Answered
• 10 Ways to Find a Good Therapist
• How Do You Find a Good Therapist? An Interview with Dr. John Grohol

Just in time for the long Memorial Day weekend, here are 20 ways that can truly help you relax, refresh and recharge.

And, if you don’t think you have the time to unwind, don’t worry! Many of these activities take just a few minutes.

1. Use your breath.

We often forget to focus on the simplest, shortest (and one of the most restorative) activities available to us: our breath. Yoga teacher Anna Guest-Jelley suggested taking five deep breaths. “As you do, notice the natural pause between your inhale and exhale, and then between your exhale and your next inhale. Your body has a built-in break — how great is that?!”

2. Release the tension in your jaw.

“Many of us carry tension in our jaw, often unknowingly,” said Guest-Jelley, also a body empowerment educator and founder of Curvy Yoga. To loosen the tension, “open your mouth wide for half a minute or so, breathing naturally through your nose. When you feel you’ve stretched a bit, allow your mouth to gently close.”

3. Tend to yourself.

“When I need to rest and restore, I tend,” said Rachel W. Cole, a life coach and retreat leader. She defines tending as “care with intention.” And it can take many forms. Cole tends to her home by cleaning the sheets, washing windows and “getting rid of unused and unloved items.” She tends to her body with a “hot bath, self-massage and a dab of perfume.”

She also whips up delicious and nourishing meals in her kitchen. And on some days, she tends to her finances and “need for a walk in the sunshine. Tending brings calm, order, and a deep reminder that I’m cared for and safe.”

(Cole shares other ideas for tending to yourself in this post.)

4. Journal.

Some people like to unwind by writing pages in their journal, said Lisa Kaplin, PsyD, a life coach who helps her clients during particularly stressful times in their lives and teaches stress management classes to corporations. Others prefer to jot down one or two lines about their day, she said. But if this becomes another task on your to-do list, skip it, she added.

5. Make a list of the day’s triumphs.

Other people like to write down what they’re grateful for, Kaplin said. This is especially helpful for relaxing. “When we’re stressed, we tend to focus on everything that is going wrong, which makes it even harder to unwind,” said Natasha Lindor, a coach and founder of The AND Factor who helps professionals have a successful career while working less and living more. She suggested writing down the top three good things that happen to you today.

Can’t think of anything? Focus on the seemingly small things. In her book How to Train a Wild Elephant & Other Adventures in Mindfulness: Simple Daily Mindfulness Practices for Living Life More Fully & Joyfully, author Jan Chozen Bays, M.D., suggests focusing on your hands:

“Some Zen teachers say that the way the body takes care of us, without our even being aware of it, is an example of the beautiful and continuous functioning of our Original Nature, the inherent goodness and wisdom of our being. Our hand pulls back from fire before we even register heat, our eyes blink before we are aware of a sharp sound, our hand reaches out to catch something before we know it is falling.”

6. Get clear on what you need to do.

It’s hard to unwind when our thoughts keep returning to our endless to-do lists, Kaplin said. “Get clear by sitting down for a few moments, making a list of what can be done today and in what order and then let the rest go until the next day.”

7. Identify what you can and can’t control.

Getting clear also includes focusing on what you can and can’t control. That’s what Kaplin does when she feels stressed and overwhelmed. “I think about precisely what I’m concerned about [and] then ask myself if I have any control over it. If the answer is no – and it often is – I let it go. If the answer is yes, then I do what I can and move on.”

8. Create a bedtime ritual.

“The ritual process brings us renewed balance, empowerment, energy and comfort,” writes Jennifer Louden in her book The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life. This gives you a specific time to focus on nurturing yourself and your needs. The key, according to Louden, in creating a daily ritual is repetition. Here’s an example from the book:

“Light a candle or two by your bed. Turn off the other lights. Stretch across your bed, taking your time, exaggerating your movements. Feel the cool sheets against your body. Moving slowly, open a book of poetry (or an uplifting…book), and slowly read a page. Allow the wisdom and beauty of what you are reading to enter your mind. Put the book aside. Take a minute to concentrate on the candle flame. Blow out the candle, and curl into peaceful sleep.”

9. Play.

Play is a wonderful way to unwind, especially for grown-ups. Play is anything that’s purposeless and pleasurable. For instance, in her book, Louden suggests everything from finger-painting to playing tag to watching cartoons to digging in the dirt to throwing a Frisbee to going to the zoo to swinging on the swings at a park.

10. Use visualization.

“The brain can’t distinguish between reality and imagination, so visualization can be a powerful tool to help you unwind in a snap,” Lindor said. She suggested visualizing yourself at a favorite spot. Be as specific as you can. Note what’s around you. Are you by the ocean? Is it a calm current or are the waves crashing? Are there kids playing? Are they making sand castles or playing in the water? Is the sand white and smooth? Or is it a sparkling black like the Muriwai Beach in New Zealand?

11. Participate in gentle movement.

According to Guest-Jelley, gentle movement can help to “release any pent-up energy we may be carrying.” Kaplin agreed. “People tend to think that unwinding means being sedentary but actual unwinding often comes from doing something active and releasing the stress and anxiety that we may have built up over the week.”

Kaplin suggested taking a 15-minute walk. Guest-Jelley suggested repeating this exercise three to five times.

“From standing, inhale and reach your arms overhead. Exhale, bend your knees and fold forward (arms dangling or resting wherever they come on your legs). Hang out here for a breath and then on your next inhale, press through your feet and come up to standing, reaching your arms overhead. Exhale and rest your arms by your sides.”

12. Brush your teeth, and wash your face.

People usually start their days with these two activities. According to Lindor, “By connecting to something that is part of your ‘start the day’ routine, you give your brain signals that you’re starting fresh.”

13. Support someone else.

“Sometimes the quickest way to unwind is to focus on someone other than ourselves,” Lindor said. For instance, you can call a friend and talk about how they’re doing. Listen intently to their concerns. “What emotions are they communicating?”

14. Be in nature.

Head outside and “sit on a bench or a blanket and let your mind get quiet” while you engage all your senses,” Kaplin said. Engaging your senses is a powerful way to relax, Lindor said. What do you see, hear and smell?

15. Focus on the present moment.

It’s not only natural environments that engage our senses. “Take the time to listen to the little sounds,” such as a car passing, your computer and someone cooking, Lindor said. “If you’re walking by a building, what’s going on inside? What do the window treatments look like?”

16. Take a 20-minute catnap.

A short nap, according to Kaplin, can feel like a mini-vacation. But anything over 30 minutes takes you into deep sleep, and makes you groggy.

17. Savor scents.

Engage your sense of smell at home. Lindor suggested showering with lavender or peppermint body wash, applying rose hand gel or burning a scented candle.

18. Treat yourself like you would a loved one.

“Think of one thing you’d do for someone really important to you in your life and take the time to do it for yourself,” Lindor said. For instance, this might be anything from enjoying breakfast in bed to going out for lunch. Remember that when you treat yourself well, “you’ll be that much better for everyone else in your life.”

19. Take a bathroom break.

When you’re feeling stressed at work or when you’re out and about, “just escape to the bathroom, close your eyes, breathe in for a count of 3, breathe out for a count of 3,” Lindor said. Repeat this three or four times. Breathe normally for several minutes and tell yourself, “I am relaxed and energized.”

20. Figure out what works for you.

“The best way to truly unwind is to really understand what works for you,” Kaplin said. “Some people unwind with a vigorous run and others by sitting on the couch and watching a TV show.” Simple trial and error will help you find the best strategies for you. Just remember not to judge yourself for whatever you choose. “Own it, use it, and unwind.”

I hope you have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Today’s panic disorder might’ve prevented our ancestors from venturing to potentially dangerous places, far away from their families and tribes.

Today’s social anxiety might’ve maintained social hierarchies and peace in primitive times.

Today’s obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might’ve helped our ancestors keep tidy and safe nests.

In part one of his book, Kahn delves into the social instincts that underlie these five disorders: panic disorder, social anxiety, OCD, atypical depression and melancholic depression. In part two he delves into the advancement of civilization and the rise of reason (which explains why we’re not shackled to our social instincts, running amok; we’re able to override these cues).

Angst may be the result of a tug-of-war between our primal social instincts and our modern-day rational, civilized selves. According to Kahn:

Amazingly, those instinctive biological sensations that told our primeval ancestors how to comport themselves in society can today turn up as conscious emotional pain. So when you feel the pain of angst, you are actually feeling the unrecognized call of ancient social instincts. These days we don’t obey these painful instincts blindly. They become especially unpleasant when they conflict with our rational choices — that is, when we experience them as anxiety and depressive disorders. So, in our modern context, these social instincts can become so intense that they backfire, certainly not providing just the socially adaptive benefits that evolution had in mind.

In Angst Kahn draws from the work of Charles Darwin and Sigmund Freud along with scientific studies and theories from fields such as psychology and evolutionary biology.

Here’s a closer look at ancient instincts and two disorders: social anxiety and OCD.

Social Anxiety Disorder

People with social anxiety fear embarrassment, especially when they’re being observed. Their anxiety might heighten during speaking events, work evaluations and social situations. They might worry about everything from their appearance to their performance. They’re also self-critical.

For our ancestors, however, social anxiety might’ve been beneficial. It might’ve kept them from challenging “a ruthless hierarchy,” Kahn writes. “Our ancestors wouldn’t want to find themselves beaten down, or thrown out of the tribe – another way they’d be on their own and exposed to all sorts of dangers.”

Kahn speculates that our ancestors had a biologically based social hierarchy. Today, our society has a clear-cut structure. (Work is a good example of a hierarchy, with managers, bosses and higher-ups.) But our ancestors did not. Having a biologically determined hierarchy kept our ancestors in line and tempered competition.

“Social Anxiety today may reflect the biology of low social rank. Indeed, people with Social Anxiety may think or act as if they have a lower ranking in the hierarchy, not to mention having more submissive behavior and less closeness among their peers, friends and romantic partners.”

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

In ancient societies OCD-like traits would’ve been helpful for survival and keeping a sanitary, safe home. As Kahn writes:

The evolutionary advantage of OCD is that you don’t forget some very necessary concerns and tasks. Our ancestors wouldn’t want to find themselves living in filth (though since they didn’t know about germs, they weren’t actually germaphobes), unable to find or protect their homes, left without food or tools in an emergency, or stealing each other’s food or spouses. The instincts behind OCD help to prevent those problems.

Long ago, they also might’ve helped mothers protect their young and ensure their survival. According to Kahn, today, many women who have postpartum OCD struggle with “cleanliness and arranging behaviors, and [with] controlling harmful thoughts about the newborn.”

This is similar to what happens with other mammals. “They clean up the newborns and the afterbirth and they keep the nest tidy.” Their instincts also are to protect their kin from predators and invaders.

For some species, these predators might even include family and other adults in the same group. “Having aggressive thoughts already in mind makes for a quicker defense,” Kahn writes.

Whatever the origins, one thing is clear: These disorders disrupt the daily lives of many individuals. Social anxiety affects about seven percent of the population, and OCD affects about one to two percent.

Both disorders are debilitating. Kahn notes that, on average, people with OCD spend almost six hours a day preoccupied with their obsessive thoughts and almost five hours with compulsive behaviors. People with social anxiety disorder have lower levels of career success and may have fewer friendships.

Fortunately, both disorders — along with the other illnesses Kahn writes about — are highly treatable with psychotherapy and medication. (This website is a valuable resource for postpartum illnesses.) In other words, if you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, you can get better. The key is to get help.

In the book Vanderkam outlines seven of these disciplines: mind your hours; plan; make success possible; know what is work; practice; pay in; and pursue pleasure. For each one she shares stories and interviews with successful people who use these disciplines in their own daily lives.

Here are several lessons from Vanderkam’s book on boosting your productivity and being successful at work.

 1. You need to know how you use your time.

For the most part, we tend to be unreliable reporters of our work hours. According to one study, people who estimated that they worked over 75 hours a week were actually off by about 25 hours. People who estimated they worked 55 to 64 hours were still off by 10 hours. Naturally, if you think you work more, you’ll use your time differently.

That’s why successful people know how many hours a week they work. In order to use your time more effectively, you have to know how you’re using it in the first place.

Vanderkam suggests thinking of yourself as an attorney who charges by the hour. Track your time for an entire week and consider how long you spend on email, projects, meetings, planning and other tasks. (Vanderkam created a simple spreadsheet to help track your hours.) Then take a close look at how you’re spending your time.

According to Vanderkam, the most important lesson in keeping a time log is learning how long it takes you to accomplish each task. This gives you insight for creating meaningful changes. For instance, Vanderkam tries not to schedule phone calls before 11 a.m. because the morning is when she’s better able “to turn an idea into words.”

2. Don’t underestimate the power of planning.

In addition to being a writer, Vanderkam also is a speaker. When she asks audiences what they’d like to spend more time on, they say planning. The problem? They also say they’re too busy to plan.

And that is a problem. Vanderkam thinks this is a backward approach.

As she writes, “You hope whoever built your house wasn’t so busy hammering and sawing that he couldn’t look at the blueprint.”

In other words, planning gives you a path. How can you arrive at your destination without directions? “Knowing where you’re going vastly increases the chances that you’ll get there,” she writes.

Successful people build planning into their days, according to Vanderkam, also author of the excellent books All The Money In The World: What The Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending and 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think.

For instance, her personal planning strategy consists of three levels: Every December, she comes up with questions she’d ask in her “performance review” at the end of the year.

Every Sunday she creates a list of what she’d like to accomplish that week, keeping in mind her annual goals. Her to-do list includes tasks toward these goals along with immediate assignments she needs to accomplish.

Come Monday night, she evaluates what she accomplished that day and what needs to be done, and then schedules Tuesday. She does the same on Tuesday night, and so on for the rest of the week. Friday, she might spend planning and wrapping up the week.

3. Many things masquerade as work and can stifle your productivity (and vice versa).

Some tasks may look like work. But “if they’re not advancing you or your organization toward your goals,” they’re not, Vanderkam writes. The key is to figure out what those things are. Vanderkam names email and meetings as two examples.

What successful people do is to calculate the opportunity cost of various tasks. For instance, Traci Bild, of Bild & Company, leaves work at 3 p.m. to take care of her kids. She tells Vanderkam that her number one strategy as a leader is “constantly trying to replace myself…If I give my duties away, it frees me up to go to the next level.”

Other activities that don’t look like work can actually contribute to your success. LeUyen Pham, a prolific illustrator with two small kids, gets up from her desk and stretches every hour. She also peruses bookstores and art blogs.

“Successful people know that astonishing productivity – particularly in creative fields – requires filling the pot,” Vanderkam notes. To fill your pot, she suggests everything from getting a library card and browsing the stacks to visiting art museums to reading journals in a related field.

In her last chapter, Vanderkam talks about the importance of pleasure. She writes, “Successful people constantly look at their days to evaluate what brings them pleasure and what does not, and they figure out how they can spend more hours pursuing pleasure and fewer hours doing what they don’t care about.”

In fact, maybe that’s the biggest secret to productivity: Try to maximize the joyful parts of your work and minimize the miserable.

Learn more about Laura Vanderkam’s work and read her informative blog at her website.