And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you’re drawn to bad boys.

What is it with this attraction? You can’t explain it. You just know you find a certain kind of guy alluring — even when you know (from experience) that the relationship will end badly.

Friends tell you that your new “great guy” is cocky, brash, foolhardy. But you have a different take on it. You view him as sooo masculine, exciting, unconventional — in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. No comparison to other guys. Yes, those other guys are nice, but oh, so boring. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping?

So what is the draw of the bad boy?

What makes them so attractive to many women, even addictive to some?

1. The bad boy is exciting.

   Life is never dull when you’re with him. You’re not quite sure what he’ll do or say next. He makes you laugh. He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.

2. The bad boy is no run-of-the-mill guy.

   He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on. It feels masculine. It feels powerful. It feels like how guys should be. Not wimpy — like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!

3. The bad boy is an enticing mix.

   He’s confident (he knows what he wants). He’s independent (he doesn’t care what others think). He’s a sweet talker (he knows how to get what he wants). He’s mysterious (you still can’t figure him out).

To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring the bad boy seems.

Only one problem — well, more than one, actually:

1. What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?

   He’s still into risky stuff when you’re long past that stage. What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked or just plain out ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Indeed, they seem all too familiar and dim-witted.

2. What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?

   His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him.

3. What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?

   When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behavior that used to excite you becomes behavior that creates anxiety for you?

Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.

But do you know what else kids need parents for? Want to guess? Whatever you’re thinking is probably true, but I doubt it’s the answer I’m thinking of.

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom.

What?! That sounds like heresy in a freedom-loving culture.

Shouldn’t we all have freedom to follow our desires? To do what we want? To venture down the road we find most appealing? Isn’t that what our social movements (civil rights, women’s movement, gay liberation) have been about? Remove the restrictions! We want the freedom to indulge in our inclinations!

So why not kids? Why shouldn’t kids participate fully in the freedom movement? And, especially during the teen years, why shouldn’t parents capitulate to their kids’ desires?

Here’s why: To live in a world with few external restrictions, you need to have the ability to say “no” to your momentary impulses and passions. And kids (except for the most conscientious kids) do not have that ability.

Left to their own devices, how many kids do you know who will choose to eat a healthy meal over devouring dessert for dinner? How many do you know who would choose to do homework rather than indulge in video games? How many do you know who would voluntarily say “it’s time for me to go to sleep”?

The dream of “freedom from” works only if you know how to handle the “freedom to” part. You may think you’re really lucky if you have total freedom. But if you’re unable to create a viable balance between freedom and restraint, you’re not lucky at all. Witness all the grossly obese people, the crazy-in-debt people, the chronically sleep-deprived people, the addicted people. And these are adults who should have more control over their impulses than kids.

So what happens when kids are free to do as they please? Do you think their nobler instincts typically triumph over their baser ones? If so, you are a dreamer. For most kids have no idea how to handle an excess of freedom, even though they’re demanding it.

It’s natural for kids to lobby for fewer restrictions. And it’s natural for parents to ease up on restraints as kids get older. But if parents make a wholesale capitulation to endless and insistent demands for more freedom, the results typically are appalling.

Here’s the end result when kids get to run the household: They eat only what they want to eat. They watch an inordinate amount of TV. They play an endless amount of video games. They go to sleep when they damn well please. They cuss out their parents. They don’t take care of their things. They demand that their parents buy them whatever they want. They have no frustration tolerance. Their wants become their needs. Their needs must be met. Their needs supersede everyone else’s.

And that’s just a description of pre-adolescent behavior. Once adolescence hits, teens without restraints command the household, defining their most outrageous activity as acceptable because it could always be worse:

“I can’t get up today; I’m too tired. I’m not going to school. Get out of my room and leave me alone!”

“I’m having a keg party this weekend. I don’t care if I’m underage. You know it’s better if I drink at home than to be out on the street drinking.”

“Yes, I’m hooking up with a lot of girls. That’s good. You always told me not to get serious with any one girl ’til I’m older.”

“It’s only pot. I could be using heroin or cocaine like lots of other kids.”

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom, to narrow their choices and to put pressure on them to meet their obligations. Kids may not appreciate all this restraint. But they need it. And parents need to step up to the plate and provide it, even when it’s so much easier to just give in to the incessant complaining and demanding.

How do we deal with those who embrace an ideology of destruction?

How do we reckon with those who suckle their children on hatred?

What do we say to ourselves, to our kids, to our loved ones when a horrible thing happens?

We will all have different responses to these questions. Here are mine…

• We remember the words of those we hold in high esteem.

  “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Mr. Rogers

• We cherish what we hold dear.

  We hug our kids a little tighter. We appreciate our loved ones even more. We commit random acts of kindness to make life easier for those we know and, perhaps more important, for those we don’t know. We cherish the freedoms we have and are grateful to those who dedicate their lives to making that freedom possible.

• We reach out to those more vulnerable than we are.

  Of course, we do what we can do for those directly affected by the tragedy. But we do more than that. We extend a helping hand to those who are more vulnerable than we are. They may need to share their story, to dissolve into tears, to quiver with fear, to explode with rage. Whatever they require, we are there for them. It’s healing for them; it’s healing for us.

• We do not define the human race by its worst elements.

  People are fantastic! They are kind. They are compassionate. They are big-hearted. They are considerate and generous and loving and sympathetic. Need I say more? And yes, there are those who are cruel and cold and brutal and mean. But we do not let ourselves be corrupted by those elements. We deal with them when we must. But we do not allow them to corrupt our hearts.

• We resolve to become more resilient.

  We may consider ourselves to be anything but resilient. Indeed, we may view ourselves as nervous, unable to deal with storm clouds and ticking bombs. We want life to be safe. Why not? But we recognize that life is fragile. Hence, when tragedy strikes, we strive to become survivors, not victims. When we are ready and only when we are ready, we resolve to do what we can to make ourselves and our little corner of the world a better place. We rejoice in the wonder of life and feel blessed to be a part of it, no matter how awful it is when horrible things happen.

Stay safe and take care of yourself and your family.

Some people believe that humiliation is a good teacher. You gotta learn. You must not forget. You will be punished if you don’t do it right. Humiliation will make a lesson stick.

These folks are right — humiliation is a good teacher.

But the lesson you learn is not what the teacher is intending. You don’t learn to do things better. You don’t learn to upgrade your skills. You don’t learn to trust your ability to learn.

What you do learn, instead, is to:

• Embrace rigidity. “I can’t do this. No way. No how.”

• Play it safe. “I’ll just make a fool of myself so I’m sticking to the tried and true.”
• Shirk responsibility. “It’s too hard for me; you have to do it for me.”
• Develop a fixed perspective. “I’ve never been any good at this and I never will be.”

Yes, humiliation throws cold water on the joy of learning and shuts down the joy of risk-taking. Indeed, a single dose of humiliation in a vulnerable child can lead to a belief that “I can’t do it,” while a regular dose of humiliation will profoundly cripple a child’s belief in himself and in his ability to learn. “I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m no good. And don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

If you’ve been exposed to the debilitating effects of humiliation, it’s time to rectify the damage that has been done. Here’s what you must do:

• Know that there’s nothing immutable about what you know and don’t know. All you can honestly say is that you don’t know how to do something yet. Put the time and effort into it, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.

• A mistake is not a felony. And it’s certainly not deserving of capital punishment. The most you can say is, it’s a misdemeanor or an oops! Just an error. Something that slipped your mind. Something you forgot because you were distracted. Next time you make a mistake, don’t agonize over it. Instead, acknowledge it. Fix it (if you can). Learn from it. Move on to your next challenge.
• Keep stretching. Keep reaching. Keep learning. Make new mistakes; it means your mind is active. You have not given up on yourself. You are not content to live within a comfort zone the size of a postage stamp. No, that’s not for you. It’s a big wide world out there, with lots of things to learn. You want to be a part of the world. Not apart from the world.
• No matter how much you learn, how much you know, there will be stuff you don’t know. This is not proof of your stupidity. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply life. We cannot know it all.
• When you don’t know what to do, improvise. That’s what everybody else is doing (whether they admit it or not). Make it up on the spot. Sometimes it will work out well. Sometimes it won’t. That’s the nature of life.
• When something intrigues you, go for it. Don’t tell yourself “I’m no good at this.” Take up the challenge. Put in the hard work. Ask for assistance. Tolerate the discomfort. And watch yourself bloom.

Whatever humiliating experiences you have had in the past, do not let them continue to define you today. Right now, this moment, this very moment, before you put this article down, say something that gives homage to who you are and what you’re about. If whatever you say brings a smile to your face or warmth to your inner being, you know you’ve chosen the right words.

They may be careless and capricious or outright reckless. They “forget” about appointments. They’re chronically late. They neglect to plan ahead. They’re financially irresponsible. They don’t take care of their stuff. They make rash decisions that get them into trouble. They ignore deadlines. They act as though others should bail them out of whatever trouble they get into.

We all know people like this. And they’re not all adolescents. It could be a friend, a family member or a colleague. We may love them yet we experience them as terribly frustrating. We want to shake them. Yell at them. Knock some sense into their brains. But none of this seems to make a difference to them. They shrug it all off.

Why? Because they have Responsibility Deficit Disorder (RDD), a much-needed diagnostic category that I have just created.

RDD is prevalent in our society and is a growing problem. Those who have it do not “suffer” from it. Quite the contrary. The people who “suffer” are those loved ones who must deal with the rat’s nest that is so often dropped in their laps.

If all this sounds familiar to you, here’s what you must do to save your own sanity.

• Be direct with them.

  Don’t mince words. Not all irresponsible people realize the chaos that they are causing. Be specific about how their actions (or lack of actions) create havoc for you. They may blow you off, or accuse you of nitpicking, or of being judgmental. Think about their responses. They may have a point. But if you know, with your head and your heart, that their irresponsible behavior is what’s causing the difficulty, trust your own judgment.

• Know what you will do the next time you feel dumped on.

  Irresponsible people tend to be irresponsible. Duh! That’s obvious. But sometimes you forget, especially if you’re an incurable optimist. So, make sure that you know what you will do and what you won’t do the next time an RDD person leaves his mess (literally or metaphorically) for you to deal with. Though it may be tough for you, stick to your guns — even if you are called all kinds of reprehensible names.

• Know where your power lies.

  Reflect on where your power lies with this particular person. If you’ve been cleaning up his mess, don’t. Let him suffer the consequences. If you’ve been enabling her behavior by bailing her out – once again, don’t. Sure, you may feel guilty that you are no longer doing what you used to do. But that’s how you change the game. It’s much harder for people to be irresponsible when nobody steps in to make it all OK.

• Make them an offer they can’t refuse.

  Hey, it works for the Mafia. Why not for you? If the person really wants what is in your power to give, use it. I don’t mean that you continue to enable his irresponsible behavior. I mean you offer him a bribe (or reward) if and when he changes his behavior.

• Sidestep the problem by being less involved with your RDD person.

  It may make you feel bad if you are an inclusive person and you begin to exclude. You don’t ask her to go on vacation with you because you don’t trust that she won’t bail out at the last minute. You don’t go out to dinner with him if he will expect you to pick up the bill once again. Excluding is a preemptive survival mechanism. Use it when it feels appropriate.

• Unfortunately, change begins with you.

  Why should you have to change? It’s the RDD person who should change. You don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing. You simply want the other person to be more responsible. Great fantasy! Terrible reality! Dream on that the other person will change. He’s got it good – especially if you’re enabling his dysfunction. Why should he change if you’re always there to rescue him? So, as much as you dislike it, know that the change process begins with you.

Similarly, a conversation goes nowhere unless you have a partner who listens to what you’re saying and responds in a way that keeps the conversation going.

A good conversation is constructed by a speaker and a listener each doing their part. A great conversation is constructed with respectful, interesting, enriching content. You learn something. You teach something. Your knowledge increases. Your curiosity is piqued. You relish the time spent together.

The prototype for a great conversation is a couple in love. They make good eye contact. Listen well. Speak with enthusiasm. Value what the other person says. Feel valued by the other person. Disagree respectfully. Enjoy each other.

The prototype for a poor conversation is modern Congress.

In today’s Congress, what passes for communication is pontificating your beliefs while mocking your opponents’. Nobody listens. Nobody learns. Nobody appreciates the subtleties of the others’ argument. Is it any wonder that the respect Americans have for Congress is at an all-time low?

To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.

Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:

Speaking

• Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)
• Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)
• Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)
• Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)

Listening

• Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)
• Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)
• Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)
• Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language.

Do you admit to doing any of these no-nos? Good. I respect your honesty. You are more sincere than one who deflects his own behavior by blaming others. “I don’t listen because you give me too many details.” “I only use that tone of voice because you never listen.”

It’s true that good speaking skills enhance people’s ability to listen. But you shouldn’t have to be an award-winning speaker to get a loved one to listen. Similarly, good listening skills encourage good speaking skills. But you shouldn’t have to be a topflight listener to get a loved one to speak respectfully to you.

Speaking well and listening well create an extraordinary game of catch in which both of you feel energized, enriched, respected and valued. Good goal to aim for, don’t you think?

The theory behind this treatment is that free-association increases awareness of what is in the unconscious mind. Once you make the unconscious conscious, patients should, theoretically, become less neurotic.

That type of treatment seemed to work well for the idle rich in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

But does it work well in the digital era?

No way. We want our problems solved quickly. We want solutions to be provided speedily. We savor the power of parsimony. The fewer the words, the more we value them. Short, sweet and to the point is preferable.

Is it possible to take the wisdom of Freud and apply it to the Twitter generation? I’m going to give it a shot. Here goes:

1. Quit comparing yourself to the best. You don’t have to be the best to make a valuable, worthwhile contribution to the world.
2. Don’t belittle yourself. Quit calling yourself derogatory names. Laugh good-naturedly at your mistakes, but don’t denigrate who you are and what you’re about.
3. Avoid sitting on the sidelines, bemoaning your circumstances without taking any action to improve your lot in life.
4. Even the best ideas are worthless unless you use your energy to execute them.
5. When you’re overstressed and overworked, take a break. Rest. Relax. Enjoy. Be with optimistic people. Then, get back to work.
6. Tolerate disappointment. There are days in which nothing works out well. This is a “bad day.” Don’t make it into a life position.
7. Allow your interests to emerge in their own way. Don’t attempt to make them fit into the box you (or others) think they should fit into.
8. Because a decision didn’t work out as expected doesn’t necessarily make it a bad decision. Reflect on what went wrong, however, before you move on to your next decision.
9. Acknowledge what you experienced in your early years. But put your energy toward living in the present where making good decisions can truly enhance your life.
10. Keep doing what you enjoy doing even if there’s no immediate reward to it.
11. When you believe in yourself, it’s amazing what you can accomplish.
12. Success is not an overnight happening. It’s the result of a consistent, driving energy that keeps you engaged, focused and moving forward.

Well, there it is. A dozen pieces of advice — short and succinct. Freud would appreciate, maybe even envy them.

Will just reading this advice allow you to make dramatic changes in your life? I doubt it. Freud was right. It takes time to change ingrained ideas and tenacious habits. But does it take as much time as Freud believed? Absolutely not!

Our sense of time is dramatically different than it was for people who lived 100 years ago. A few months of therapy once a week or even bi-monthly can help people truly change the direction of their lives by clarifying their thoughts, modifying their emotions and expanding their options.

And long-term therapy (still only once a week) is an amazing experience that can transform a life — from one that’s plagued with stress, tension and negativity to one that’s enriched, energized and full of enthusiasm.

Now imagine that out of nowhere, a repulsive creature has stepped into your path. He’s got a grotesque body, horns on his head and a menacing smile. You freeze in terror as this hideous face stares into yours!

Though you desperately wish to flee, you find yourself helplessly frozen. Your heart is racing. Your chest is pounding. You can’t catch your breath. You feel lightheaded. You feel faint. You think you might die right there on the spot.

Now imagine feeling this very same terror when there’s no creature in your path. What would your experience be? Would you feel mystified? Bewildered? Embarrassed? Wonder if you’re going crazy?

This is the experience of those who endure panic attacks. Many keep their experiences secret, for they are embarrassed and at a loss for words to describe what happens to them. Nobody else has ever had such a reaction, or so they believe. Panic attacks, however, are more common than you may think.

The word “panic” emanates from the ancient Greeks, who were said to experience overwhelming terror when they encountered Pan, their god of nature. Half man, half beast, Pan had a scream so intense that terrified travelers who happened upon him in the forest died from fear.

In our modern world, we don’t believe in Pan. But we do have plenty of fears that paralyze us. Those who have had panic attacks are fearful of having another one. So they avoid being in places or situations in which they feel vulnerable or where there’s no quick and easy escape. For some, this means they can’t be alone. For others, it means they can’t be with new people or in crowds of people. In their attempt to create a safe life, they inadvertently create a small life.

Some panic attacks are not so omnipresent, occurring only when zero hour draws near. Students panic before an exam. Hosts panic before their guests arrive. Actors panic before the curtain rises. Working folks panic before their annual evaluations. Patients panic before their medical test.

When family and friends witness the panic, they typically offer well-meaning advice. “Just relax.” “Chill out.” “Take it easy.” “Roll with the punches.” Easy to say. Hard to do.

If the panic doesn’t subside, many people confide in their physicians. They are then prescribed anti-anxiety medication. At first, these meds may take the edge off. Over time, however, nothing changes. So, the medication is increased or another drug, usually an anti-depressant, is added to the mix. Fogginess, sleepiness and lethargy now become additional issues that the panicky person needs to deal with.

There’s a better way to treat panic attacks. It involves a combination of:

• Cognitive therapy (changing your thought patterns and internal dialogue)
• Behavioral therapy (gradually exposing yourself to scarier situations)
• Body therapy (controlling your breathing and muscle relaxation)
• Adjunct medication, if needed, to calm your body down.

If you or a loved one are sweating bullets over an upcoming event, feeling frenzied about the future, restricting your life to cope with your fears or shuddering at the thought of another panic attack, don’t shrug your shoulders and assume that nothing can be done. Actively seek appropriate treatment that can help you master your fears and get on with your life.

For more information about strategies and skills that can help you move forward, read my book, “Master Your Fears: How to Triumph over Your Worries and Get on with Your Life,” available at Amazon or at www.PsychWisdom.com

Panicked woman photo available from Shutterstock

It may seem like there’s no problem if your parents have become better people. Just count your blessings and get on with life! But it’s not always that simple.

Mike grumbles, “I can’t believe my father wants to be so involved with my kids. When I was growing up, he barely gave me the time of day. “Shut up! Do your homework! Listen to your mother!” That was pretty much the extent of our relationship. And now, he wants to take my son to school, coach his games, take him on a trip. Who is this new person? And how come I got the short end of the stick?”

Kim gripes, “My mother was always on my case. I had to dress right, speak right, eat right and live right. Otherwise, what would people think? Now, when I berate my daughter for not acting properly, my mother comes to her defense, telling me that I’m too hard on her. It makes me furious. She was 10 times harder on me than I am on my daughter. What’s going on here?”

People change and forget to tell each other. And when those people are your parents, it can be totally disorienting.

When those rigid, hard-nosed parents who raised you now exist only in your memory, it may make you wonder about your sanity. Did you misconstrue your whole childhood experience? Are you distorting the facts? What happened?

Though some people’s negative traits harden with age, others, like fine wine, mellow. Your parents may have become wiser and kinder over time. At this point in their lives, they may feel less stressed, less nervous about careers, less fired up about what’s “right” and more focused on enjoying life.

It’s not that simple, however, for you.

When your son thinks your dad is the greatest guy, do you tell him what a lousy father he was to you? And if you do, would he even believe you?

If your daughter and mother gang up against you, claiming that you’re the one who’s too uptight, do you keep your mouth shut or spit out what you’re really thinking?

It’s easy to stew with resentment. However, a better choice is to take the opportunity to open up a dialogue with your parents.

Tell them how pleased you are that they are enjoying their grandchildren. Then, share with them the differences you notice in how they parented then and what they do now.

Seek to create understanding, not blame. Cry with them about the hurts you experienced. Laugh with them about the joyous memories. And know that it’s not only younger people who change as they mature. It’s older people as well.

Something’s dreadfully wrong when you no longer live life as a human being but have morphed into a human doing.

Whatever happened to your childhood laughter? Your zany antics? Your thrill-seeking curiosity? Sure, you grew up and took on responsibilities. But does that mean that you need to become just one more adult taking care of stuff all day long, bemoaning the “fact” that “there is no time?”

In short, when will you start enjoying your life?

Kara’s answer: “When I finish all the stuff I have to do.”

George’s answer: “When things ease up.”

Maria’s answer: “When the kids are older.”

Who are you kidding? Tomorrow always brings more stuff to do. Overbooked schedules never ease up. Older kids deliver new troubles and tribulations.

If your life is so overbooked, so busy, so bustling that you’re not enjoying life, it’s time for a change. An overabundance of stress is not a given. It’s a choice. It probably does not feel that way, as you’ve surely convinced yourself that you “have to” do all these things. But do you?

Some people work many hours at jobs they dislike just to stay afloat. Others live the “good life,” involved in careers they love and pursuits they enjoy. You would be forgiven for assuming that there should be a huge difference in these two groups of people in terms of life satisfaction. But there isn’t.

Why not?

Because many who are living the “good life” are too busy to be enjoying it. They are rushing around from one activity to the next without absorbing pleasure from any of them. Busy they are. Stressed they are. Happy they are not.

It may seem strange to say this, but in many ways, there’s not much difference between a person who doesn’t know how to read and one who doesn’t read. Similarly, there’s not a huge difference between one who doesn’t have many life options and one who doesn’t exercise the options he has. You may be in the enviable position of being able to choose how to structure your day. But if you experience your day as rushing around from one thing to the next, not particularly enjoying any of it, what’s the point?

We fool ourselves into believing that we don’t have enough time. But we’ve got it wrong. Time is not the problem. It’s the habits we’ve developed that are the problem. And it’s the certitude that we cannot change those habits that makes it an entrenched problem.

But lucky us! Even though it’s still winter, the first sign of spring is in the air.

Can you feel it? Can you imagine the growth that still lies dormant getting ready to tentatively poke its way through the warming earth? True, you may not see anything yet. But you know, literally and metaphorically, that new growth is upon us.

If you’re feeling depleted because of all the things you think you have to do, now is the time to cultivate your spring. Feel the warmer air. Nurture your curiosity. Hear your childhood laughter. See yourself bursting into full bloom. Appreciate that you are a human being — not simply a human doing.

Most people picture procrastinators as lazy folks who don’t care about doing things in a timely manner. If you’re a perfectionist, however, you know that’s not you. You care. You have high standards. You expect a lot, maybe too much, from yourself.

Then how come you have a tendency to put things off? It doesn’t make sense. But in a twisted kind of way, it does. Here’s why: The same attribute that is your strength — your desire to do things perfectly — also is your nemesis.

• It’s tough to start a task when you perceive it as a humongous, time-consuming undertaking.
• It’s tough to complete a task when it doesn’t satisfy your high standards or the high expectations that you believe others have of you.
• It’s tough when in the middle of a task, you still see no light at the end of the tunnel, despite all the work you put into the project.

Being a perfectionist does not inoculate you from procrastination. Indeed, it can actually fuel it. However, you do not need to be helpless in the face of your tendency to put things off. Instead, learn to tweak those traits that work against you. Here are three ways to do so:

1. Tweak Your Thinking by not Always Doing Your Best.

   As kids, many perfectionists were taught to “always do your best.” Sounds like a good notion, but it’s impractical and unrealistic. Given the limited time, energy and resources of our busy lives, you simply can’t do your best in everything you do. So, think it through and prioritize.

   • If a task isn’t important to you, just get it done in a run-of-the-mill manner so as to get it out of the way.
   • If a specific project represents something important to you, put extra effort into it to get it done well.
   • If it’s an undertaking that you pride yourself on, then certainly “do your best.” Even then, however, it’s better to strive for excellence than outright perfection.
2. Tweak Your Speaking by Changing “Shoulds” to “Coulds.”

   The word “should” connotes the “right” way to do something. As a perfectionist, you’ve probably adopted a whole bunch of harsh and burdensome “shoulds,” making you feel more encumbered than empowered. Eventually, you may come to believe that you have no choice in much of what you do.

   Rather than spurring you on to higher achievement, an abundance of “shoulds” drains your energy.Try substituting the word “could” for “should.” When you do, you’ll notice yourself feeling more empowered. Why? Because “could” carries the mature message that you have the right, capacity and obligation to make choices about what you’ll take care of in any given day.

3. Tweak Your Actions by Creating a Time Limit for Completing a Task.

   Time is finite. We each have 24 hours in a day to get things done. A hefty number of those hours are spent sleeping, grooming, working and getting to where we’re going. Include social media and digital correspondence and you’ll find that there’s only a limited amount of time left over for other tasks.

   So, to guarantee that you allow sufficient time for projects you’ve been putting off, write out a “time budget” for those tasks. To determine how much time a task will take, reflect on your past experiences. (Perfectionists usually take longer to do things, for obvious reasons). Then allow yourself 20 percent more time to deal with unexpected developments. If you’re not keeping up with your time budget it, tweak it, don’t drop it.

Looking for more ideas on how to squash your procrastination habit before it squashes your future? Check out my latest e-book, Procrastination Busting Strategies for Perfectionists, on Amazon.

Woman procrastinating photo available from Shutterstock

“After my daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend and asked me what I thought of him, I just quietly replied, ‘I think you could do better.’ Batten down the hatches! The furor that followed lasted for months! Aren’t I allowed to say what I think?”

Yes, you are allowed to say what you think. But know that nothing a parent says is ever neutral. Though you may think you’re making a helpful observation — or simply expressing your opinion — in your child’s eyes (even with adult children), your critique is likely to be interpreted as an indictment of his or her being.

You have a choice. Every time you communicate something to your child, your choice of words, tone of voice and body language can nurture or damage the relationship.

Kara resented what I said. “Are you suggesting that I can’t be free to tell my kids what I really think? Especially when I see something’s not right? You’ve got to be kidding.”

No, I’m not kidding. Though I don’t mean to take it to the extreme (suggesting that you monitor your every word), I am telling you that how you communicate matters. A lot! And that a parent’s comment about a sensitive area will never be experienced casually. (Don’t you remember negative remarks your parents said to you decades ago?)

Usually, when parents are compelled to “just” say what’s on their mind, it’s because they’re highly frustrated. They have been thinking: “Why are you always eating junk food? When will you be able to support yourself financially? Why can’t you make a better match?” They’ve said this (or thought this) many times. And their kids are aware of it even when their parents think they’re not.

The essence of communication is not what you say. It’s what the other person hears. And when a parent critiques, it’s likely that the child is hearing, “I’m disappointed in you.” Or, “You’re not good enough.” Or, “Shape up already, will you?”

So next time you’re tempted to express your frustration with a zinger, pause and think. Then, respond with the smart part of your brain. Do this by:

• Asking questions rather than making judgments. (But don’t turn your questions into an inquisition.)
• Searching for solutions rather than playing up the problems.
• Empathizing with how difficult life’s transitions can be.
• Focusing on how to control your own frustration.

And remember that nothing a parent says to a child is ever neutral.

Once diagnosed, treatment often consists of nothing more than pill prescribing.

Sometimes responses to ordinary life events can be incorrectly diagnosed as mental disorders. Let’s look at a few examples…

“My husband passed away almost a year ago and I still miss him so much. There are times I feel like there’s not much purpose to my life anymore. We were married for 42 years. It’s tough to fall asleep without him at my side. And it’s tough for me to feel like cooking when I have to eat alone.”

This is a normal bereavement reaction. The proposed new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual code, however, states that these may be signs of a major depressive episode. Why? It’s as though our standard for bereavement is now quick, like everything else in our lives. Nothing to it! A piece of cake! Okay, mourn. But return to your old life in a week, a month, three months. You need more time than that? Well, perhaps you should take anti-depressants. Good for the drug companies. Not good for the bereaved individual.

“I tend to be nervous in some social situations. While my friends are up for any new venture, I become anxious when I don’t know where I’m going or who I’m going with. Last week I was feeling keyed up and irritable when my friends pressured me into meeting them at a bar after work. Though I acquiesced to their pressure, I really just wanted to go home and curl up with a good book.”

Everyone is not a party animal or an extrovert. No one should feel stigmatized for disliking group gatherings. No one should be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder for preferring reading to partying. No one should be prescribed anti-anxiety meds because they feel uncomfortable in a social situation.

Let’s stop pathologizing those who don’t fit into the dominant lifestyle.

“When my neighbor committed suicide, I was the one who found his body. What a horrible experience! The first thing I needed to do was to shield my young children from seeing him. Then I had to notify his parents. Then I had to deal with my own feelings — disbelief that he had killed himself, anger that he did himself in, grief that such a young life was over and regret that I couldn’t have prevented it. It took me about a year to deal with these emotions and move beyond all that was stirred up for me.”

Has life ever thrown you a curveball? How did you react? Not always seamlessly, I suspect. Does that mean you have a mental disorder? Absolutely not. Intense emotional reactions to unforeseen, unanticipated events are normal. It should not be diagnosed as a stress reaction disorder. Over time, most people adjust to traumatic events. Masking important emotions with sedatives is rarely a good idea.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 25 percent of Americans suffer from some sort of mental illness. The vast majority of those are taking psychotropic drugs. That’s a lot of disturbed Americans.

Or is it? Perhaps that high statistic is nothing more than normal emotional reactions being over-diagnosed and over-medicated.

Are there ways to help without harming? Yes! Consider educationally-based psychotherapy. This consists of teaching people how to cope with difficult situations, become more resilient, and manage their emotions — all without diagnoses and medication.

Okay, micro-vacation over. Back to reality, where people blame and criticize all the time — and that’s on their good days! On their bad days, they throw in insults, curses, ridicule and humiliation.

When you’re on the receiving end of such put-downs, how should you respond?

Most people are familiar with only three strategies:

1. Explain or justify why you did what you did
2. Respond offensively by attacking the attacker.
3. Say nothing and silently stew.

Such responses frequently result in attacks and counterattacks or passive-aggressive behavior laced with blame and shame. Thus, it’s a good idea to expand your repertoire of responses. Here are seven ideas for you to try on:

1. Agree with what’s been said. Disagree with the negative value judgment.

   “Yes, I agree. My room is a mess. No need to call me names, though. I’ll clean it up this evening. Promise.”

2. Respond to what’s happening (the process), not to what was said(the content).

   “I can see you’re upset with me. Can you calmly explain what I did that’s bothering you?”

3. Agree that you did something wrong and apologize.

   “Yes, I should have called earlier to cancel. I apologize. I’d like to set another date now if that’s OK with you.”

4. Disagree but try to understand the other person’s viewpoint.

   “I didn’t think I did anything wrong but I see you’re upset. Tell me more about what’s upsetting to you so I can understand.”

5. Enlighten the person about your sensitivities.

   “I feel demeaned when you use that tone of voice with me. You may think there’s nothing wrong with it, but it feels patronizing to me.”

6. Offer the person another way to phrase what he said.

   “I don’t mind if you call me ‘sensitive’ but it feels like a putdown when you say I’m ‘overly sensitive.’

7. Be succinct.

   Often, the less you say, the more powerful your message. “The name you just called me is totally unacceptable. I don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

If you believe that you’ve been unfairly put down, your goal should be to respond with valuable, constructive information in a confident, strong tone of voice.

When you’re in such a “conversation,” you may initially think of yourself as a good listener. However, it’s not long before you realize that you’ve become the captive audience for one who will drone on and on for as long as you allow it to happen.

Giving indirect hints that “enough is enough” usually doesn’t work. Hence, in such situations, you not only have a right to interrupt, you also have an obligation to do so to maintain your sanity.

So how do you do it without coming across as rude?

Here are eight tips on how to interrupt an incessant talker with as much tact as possible:

1. Segue into another topic.

   “That’s some story. But now I’d like to talk about something more upbeat.”

2. Be direct.

   “I need to interrupt you. I want to tell you what happened to me yesterday.”

3. Use the person’s name (always an attention-getter), then redirect.

   “Jen, I get what you’re saying; it happened to me too.”

4. Speak about your time situation.

   “Jared, I only have another minute to chat.”

5. Help the person move forward.

   “Bob, what’s the bottom line here?”

6. Give honest feedback(with a light touch, if you can).

   “Maria, I haven’t been able to get a word in edgewise. Time to let me talk.”

7. Make an ending statement.

   “I gotta go. I’m already late for an appointment. Talk to you another time.”

8. When all else fails, there’s always the bathroom excuse.

If you think it’s rude, crude or insulting to implement these strategies, think again. They’re simply assertive ways to obtain your freedom when you’re being held hostage.