There are two kinds of overreactions: external and internal. External overreactions are visible responses that others can see (for example, lashing out in anger, throwing your hands up and walking away from a situation).  Internal overreactions are emotional responses that remain inside of you that others may or may not be aware of.  Examples of internal overreactions are replaying a situation over and over in your head, wondering if you said the right thing, or overanalyzing a comment made by a friend or loved one.

In her book Stop Overreacting: Effective Strategies for Calming Your Emotions, author Dr. Judith P. Siegel suggests asking yourself the following questions to assess whether you have a problem with overreacting.

Do you often:

• Regret things you say in the heat of emotion?
• Lash out at loved ones?
• Have to apologize to others for your actions or words?
• Feel surprised at your seemingly uncontrollable reactions?
• Assume the worst about people and situations?
• Withdraw when things get emotionally overwhelming?

If you answered “yes” to the questions above you may may struggle with overreaction.

Here are 5 suggestions to help you stop overreacting:

1. Don’t neglect the basics. Lack of sleep, going too long without food or water, lack of recreation and play can leave your mind and body vulnerable to exaggerated responses.  For many of us (myself included), it’s easy to let our own basic self-care take a back seat to the noble cause of taking care of others. Ironically, it is your loved ones who are most likely to end up on the receiving end of your emotional overreactions. Prioritizing your own self-care will help minimize overreactions.

2. Tune in and name it. A stiff neck, pit in stomach, pounding heart, tense muscles can all be signs that you’re in danger of overreacting, of being hijacked by intense emotions. Becoming more aware of physical cues actually helps you to stay ahead of, and in control of your response. Naming your feeling activates both sides of your brain allowing you to reflect on your situation instead of just reacting to it.

   Recently, my teen daughter was expressing some intense hurt feelings about our relationship. While she was talking, I noticed a hot feeling rising in my stomach, and defensive thoughts. Tuning in to my own body allowed me to slow down my own response so I could hear what she was saying and to respond calmly.

3. Put a positive spin on it. Once you’ve identified and named the sensations in your body, you can intervene in your thoughts. When we have intense emotions it’s easy to go to a worst-case scenario as an explanation for whatever you’re reacting to (e.g., “they’ve never liked me” or “she always criticizes me.”)  Watch for all-or-nothing words like “always” and “never” as clues that you’re heading toward a worst-case scenario.

   If someone offends you, consider the possibility that the insult is not about you. Maybe the neighbor who snapped at you was just given a pay cut at work and is feeling discouraged, or the person who cut you off in traffic is rushing to the hospital to see the birth of his first child. Make up a backstory that makes sense and puts a positive spin on whatever is triggering your emotional response.

4. Breathe before responding. When you feel like flying off the handle, take a deep breath. Deep breathing slows down your fight or flight response and allows you to calm your nervous system and choose a more thoughtful and productive response. Try taking a deep breath next time someone cuts you off in traffic. In my recent Facebook poll, overreacting while driving was the most commonly cited scenario for overreacting. Just imagine if all drivers took a breath before responding, making hand gestures, or yelling obscenities. The world would be a kinder place.
5. Identify and resolve emotional “leftovers.” Notice patterns in your overreactions. If you find yourself repeatedly revisiting an intense emotional or behavior response, there is likely a historical component that needs to be addressed.  In my therapy practice, I worked with a beautiful, smart woman who often became tearful and depressed when she heard about friends getting together without her. She felt extremely insecure and rejected.  Her heightened sensitivity to being excluded by other women in her neighborhood, even though she had many friends and was usually included in social gatherings, was fueled by emotional leftovers in her past. She felt emotionally abandoned by her parents and ostracized by peers when she was young, which heightened her sensitivity to rejection as an adult. Through therapy she was able to heal the earlier relationship wounds, allowing her to respond in a more balanced way to present social situations.

Remember, not all intense responses are overreactions. In some instances, a quick and extreme response is necessary to protect ourselves or our loved ones. I recall a time years ago when my oldest child was a toddler riding his trike down the street. He was riding ahead of me because I was pregnant and a lot slower than usual. I noticed a car slowly backing out of a driveway as my son was riding toward the driveway. I found myself sprinting toward the car, screaming at the top of my lungs with arms flailing frantically, trying to get the driver’s attention and avoid a horrible tragedy. Luckily, the driver noticed me and stopped her car just short of my son and his bike. My exaggerated response was necessary to save his life and was not an overreaction.

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1. Consider the source

How close are you to the person offering criticism? How much do you respect their opinions? Do they criticize everyone? Weigh the criticism based on how much you value the relationship.

2. Decode the emotional message

Try this with close loved ones. Try to hear what’s behind the criticism. When you hear “you never…” or “you always…” it’s really about the other person wanting something from you and not knowing how to ask for it directly.

3. Separate worth from performance

We have value and worth because we exist. Period. Our performance goes up and down on any given day. Usually, others offer criticize our performance, not our worth. It’s easier to hear and process criticism when you recognize that your worth isn’t under attack.

4. You be the judge

You have the ultimate decision to reject or to accept the criticism offered by someone else. Ask yourself, “Is there something here for me to learn?” Ultimately, you get to determine whether the feedback is valid or if you want to dismiss it.

Here are eight suggestions that will nearly guarantee your child will suffer from poor mental health, strained family relationships, poor peer relationships, low self-esteem and chronic emotional problems throughout his or her life.

1. Shut down all emotional expression

If your child expresses anger, sadness, or fear be sure to make fun of them, tell them not to feel, and dismiss their emotions. Withhold love whenever they express any emotion — especially vulnerable feelings.

Another very effective way to shut down their emotional expression is to to trump their emotions by making sure you become more upset than they are. They will put their feelings on hold and change their focus to comforting you.

2. Set inconsistent rules

Never talk openly about your expectations for your child’s behavior. Keep your child guessing about what you expect from him or her — and make sure you change the rules constantly. Be sporadic and unpredictable when enforcing consequences and punishment.

When your child doesn’t comply with your every whim, say — with a heavy disappointed scowl — “You should know by now what I expect of you. Don’t ever let me down again.”

3. Ask your child to solve your problems

Share all of your worries, concerns, and relationship problems on a daily basis. Ask them for advice and act helpless in the face of solving your own adult concerns about work, money, relationships — and especially sex.

Always present yourself as incapable of taking care of yourself and your own problems. This will ensure that your child will feel emotionally burdened by your issues.

4. Put down your child’s other parent

Never show affection to your spouse or partner in front of your child and criticize your partner daily. Alternate between being cold and rejecting of your spouse, and fighting and screaming in front of your child. Threaten divorce on a regular basis so your child will live in a state of chronic anxiety.

If you’re already divorced, remain cold, distant, bitter, and angry, and blaming of your ex-spouse for the rest of your life. Be sure to send subtle messages to your child that he or she is the cause of your divorce.

5. Punish independence and separation

Whether your child is two, twelve, or eighteen years old, alternate between crying hysterically and totally dismissing them when they express thoughts, feelings, or desires that differ from your own.

If they show any signs of wanting to explore new things, meet new people, or express any thought or emotion that is different from your, respond by saying dramatically, “How could you do this to me?”

6. Base your self-worth on your child’s performance

Link your self-esteem on your child’s appearance, behavior, how well they do academically, and how many friends they have. Remind them that their performance reflects on you, as their parent, and that any failure makes you feel like a horrible parent. Put extreme pressure on them to be the best in everything they do.

Threaten to withhold love if they don’t win the beauty pageant, if they don’t get elected student body president, if their grades ever fall below a 4.0.

7. Get in the middle of your child’s relationships

Direct every action your child takes in their relationships. If your child gets in trouble at school, immediately rush to talk to the teacher and get your child off the hook. As your child grows, be overly involved in your child’s friendships, love relationships, and referee all disagreements and fights with peers.

If you have more than one child, get in the middle of sibling relationships by comparing them to each other regularly by saying, “Why can’t you be more like ______?”

8. Expect your child to live your unfulfilled dreams

Push your child to do all of the things you wished you’d done as a child or adolescence. If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a professional dancer, force your child to take daily dance classes starting at age 2. If she ever wants to quit, cry hysterically and don’t talk to her for at least a week.

If you’ve always dreamed of being a pro baseball player, force your son to carry a baseball during all waking moments and threatened to put him up for adoption if he isn’t MVP every year. Let him know that if he doesn’t get a college baseball scholarship you will be disappointed and depressed for the rest of your life.

If this post hits a little too close to home, you consider getting some professional psychotherapy to gain emotional insight, sharpen your parenting skills, or resolve issues from your own childhood and adolescence.

(c) Can Stock Photo